Most Absurd Cases Lawyers Had To Defend In Court (1 Hour Reddit Compilation)

divorce lawyers offered it what's the worst way you've seen someone freak over their spouse a woman in my town is a principal at a local elementary school she is in her mid-70s at least I asked someone why she doesn't retire and they explained that she and her spouse went through a very contentious divorce about 15 years ago and she has to give him a portion of her retirement so she has decided to never retire so he gets nothing ever ha ha ha ha I'm an accountant not a divorce lawyer had a client ID ziploc bags of ground me throughout the house in air vents the Attic behind water heater etc I think it was at least 20-30 bags that took months to find all of them my ex and I separated before the divorce she agreed to watch the dog while I found a new place she had the dog put down instead not a lawyer parents divorced seems simple dad cheated on mom mom gets custody of me dad didn't like paying alimony and child support to the tune of $2 K a month after he gave up rights dad had great idea pay a hitman $15 K to kill soon-to-be ex-wife dad goes through with it idiot actually pays undercover cop the money dad then flies back to Canada home and wait for results international task force is formed to try and detain him Geraldo Rivera cover story idiot dad gets arrested in Toronto and flown back to California in this process I was three in care of family back down south mother in protection by police dad's family apparently wealthy gets good lawyer is charged with 17 felonies can't remember how many he was convicted of he gets 18 months after all of this mom still had to sue for divorce it took two years not a lawyer but my two bosses were married and opened a bike shop together he was the brains in the backbone since he was a former Olympic mechanic she just sawed off balance the checkbook and worked a couple days a week unfortunately he had no credit and she did so when they opened everything was in her name all he wanted in the divorce was the bike shop and was willing to buy her half she wanted the bike shop too but didn't want to buy him out for his half mind you her father passed away and she was sitting on like $300 K in the bank and also had the audacity to take out student loans for her daughter to go to college he lost the bike shop and I think he got a little bit of money for his share what she didn't expect was that all of the high paying customers would stop going there they were all his friends or they only wanted him to work on their bikes so I don't know why she would have had that snow ssin so he opened up his own bike shop and all of the regulars have become regulars at the new bike shop finally a story with some justice this thread was stressing me out my uncle represented this guy getting a divorce from his wife of 15 years super toxic breakup and they split everything 5050 even the land like the house they lived in sat upon well she decides to build a house right behind the other house mind you this was a lot of land probably 200 yards separating both home sites so that the back of the houses faced each other and the house gets built and my uncle gets a call from his client asking about the legality of a situation he had gotten himself into apparently his ex-wife would spend a lot of time in her backyard so he saw her all the time what he did was buy a female dog and name it the same name as his ex-wife any time he would let his dog back in from letting her out he would yell Susan you be get in here he would also yell if she was peeing on the flowers Susan you be quit pee on the flowers or Susan you be quit digging in the dirt the ex-wife called the cops on him a couple of times but there was nothing they could do because the dog was registered under the name of Susan and it was in fact a B so there you go but this shouldn't be funny but it really is my mom was a real piece of work in this department my mother is mentally unstable and was very abusive to me as a child when my father finally moved out and asked for a divorce I was luckily old enough 13 to legally decide who I wanted to live with I of course chose my dad and that enraged my mother by court order she was allowed to live in our four-bedroom house while me and my dad had to move in with my aunt into a two-bedroom house we lived there for four years while my mom did everything she could to slow down the divorce proceedings during this period my father was court-ordered to pay the mortgage and utilities on the house my mother was living in she would leave all the lights on and crank the heat with the widows open just to drive the utility bills up she once left the garden hose on for a week into a drain to even make the water bill outrageous when it was finally all over and she had taken my dad for as much as she could she decided to sue him for my college fund I called her and told her if she went through with it I would never speak to her again she told me if I wanted it I needed to move in with her before I turned 18 so she could get child support from my dad I refused she won the case for the money and my dad had to use most of what was left off the fund to pay for her lawyers costs ro what Abby the couple separated 10 years ago but didn't officially divorce until a couple years ago that she was going to get his house so he burnt it down then faxed her the transfer of ownership forms he might be going to jail for arson though worked at a law firm that was subpoenaed as part of a divorce between a partner at the firm and a partner at another major law firm the woman issued more than 70 subpoenas to banks firms investment companies you name it because she was convinced he had squirreled away $20 plus million overseas behind her back it got so bad that she dug up receipts from 25 years ago to try to put together this grand conspiracy puzzle in the end after she racked up dollar-sign 1.5 million in legal fees and seven different lawyers the judge said this crap is ridiculous there was no conspiracy and you are not entitled to a portion of this phantom $20 million mind you this was a major law firm partner who was acting this way she made millions per year in her career but she apparently lost her mind sounds to me like she had some money squirreled away and was looking for his stash to pilfer no lawyer built at the time I work on bank equipment my favorite too his opening safety deposit boxes for the bank do I was asked to get there before the bank opened which was odd I show up and greet the bank employee along with a lawyer and a very angry looking woman I get the lock open and swing the door open as the angry woman shouts let me in there and I step outside the vault that mother sucker and storms off but she threw down a piece of paper that said Frick you be it had been a nasty divorce and the ex-husband got there before she did the worst part about this story as we have no idea who was actually the bad guy here not a divorce lawyer but my father went through the process recently amounts of money aren't the real concern the assets must be split as close to 50 stroke 50 as possible so the frickin over generally comes in the form of an equitable distribution of one of the kind things my father had a pressure set of old inexpensive kitchenware that his late mother gave him before he even married my mother when the divorce went to mediation and she told the mediator that she wanted those pots and pans she got them she got in because she was willing to give up something else of equal monetary value so something worth less than $10 and was willing to sit in mediation for hours racking up thousands in lawyer fees for both sides until my father consented again an even financial trade but a sentimental trade of overwhelming disparity just as a final Frick you non marital property that isn't intermingled joint accounts shouldn't be split during divorce not a lawyer but I met with a scummy one when I was looking to get a divorce the first lawyer I met with who had been recommended by a co-worker as an amazing divorce attorney suggested that if I wanted full custody I should make sure people knew the relationship was abusive tell my friends family make sure the neighbors heard me screaming begging him not to hit me document every bruise even if I wasn't sure it came from him thinners my relationship wasn't abusive and I'd already told her that multiple times she never outright said I should fabricate evidence or anything but she ignored my repeated statements that there was no abuse and kept on with her detailed instructions of how to document any abuse that might happen I got the distinct impression that she was letting me know how to create an abusive relationship out of thin air in order to get custody of my kids I ended up not using her as an attorney for obvious reasons and in the end my ex I shared 50 stroked 50 physical and legal custody of our children and raised them together despite whatever issues we had with each other I can't help but wonder though how many dad's lost a relationship with their kids because of her zealous coaching thank you for not being a complete butthole and making things worse for your kids kids can survive divorce if the parents can act like adults I'm always impressed and envious when divorced parents are civil mine weren't I literally didn't know it was possible a friend of mine in high school worked at a pizza place one of the delivery drivers was just ridiculously smart when I talked at him later I found out that he used to be a nuclear physicist his wife was also a nuclear physicist but left him for her lawyer he got screwed out of his kids most of the assets and had to pay a lot Awards alimony child support he did the mouth and figured out the tips he didn't get taxed on plusses minimum wage delivering pizza was more than keeping his job as a nuclear physicist plus he got a little satisfaction not having to pay her as much the guy was really nice I always felt bad for him my dad actually got flicked by his divorce lawyer during my parents divorce last year my dad and my sister have never gotten along and over the years it got more and more strained they eventually got into a physical fight which led to a CPS report and him getting slapped with a child abuse record they labeled it s confirmed but isolated so he's not on the registry and you can only see it with certain background checks in this case my mom was obviously going to get full custody of my sister my mom also wanted to give my dad the house and his cars and his money pit off a boat lawyer decided because my dad is stubborn as Frick that he would string all dad along lawyer spent hours with my dad trying to convince him that dad could get more money and custody from my mom they did a divorce mediation so they wouldn't have to go to court and lawyer dragged it out for four hours but the whole time he was riling my dad up thinking he could get things like the original down payment on the house half custody of my sister my mom's car etc at the end of the four hours of mediation lawyer told my dad he should take the deal that my mom and her lawyer had originally offered in the first place and dad signed that so he paid about $12,000 in completely unnecessary legal fees what a piece of crap not a divorce lawyer 'but i did surgical rotations with an OB gym and have personally seen the lowest of the low in divorce hearings people say a lot of crap when trying to place blame or get custody a lot of it is straight up lies not all lies can be erased or taken back the worst one is an accusation of sexual abuse you can not redact an accusation of sexual abuse against a minor it happened ridiculously more frequently than I can stomach a spouse trying to get the upper hand makes the claim now the lawyer courts state is bound by law to investigate and suddenly that precious innocent child that Mommy is trying to gain custody of is brought to the or sedated and then investigated inside and out for evidence of abuse those are about the only days that nobody in the entire wing says anything no jokes no smiles just a sick feeling in your stomach that takes away old appetite and joy so many times the parent who makes the accusation finds out what they are about to put the child through and tries to take it back tries to cancel the procedure tries to say they may have been confused or mistaken or even admits they flat-out lied doesn't matter once that box is opened the investigation must continue of the couple dozen cases I saw I can only recall one that supported the accusation freaking disgusting pieces of crap banker here had heaps of situations where joint overdraft credit card comes up just before divorced to the absolute surprise of one of the parties drained down to zero of course especially sad when it's students young kids who find themselves heartbroken after the breakup and with a debt they can't afford my dad divorced his first wife and promptly took his name off of all the credit cards she proceeded to buy all kinds of crap thinking she'd stick him with the bill she was not happy to hear she was the only one on the account dad was a real butthole and mom tried to save him a lot of money during the divorce they have three kids who were sixteen thirteen and eight dad wouldn't sign any agreement my mom's lawyer produced it had to be his idea and from his lawyer or it wasn't getting signed dad's lawyer was incompetent and sends an agreement that states he will pay two thousand dollars a month in child support until all kids are eighteen mom tried to explain to dad that it needed to be revised to lower every time a child turned eighteen dad called mom mercy during that negotiation so mom said frigate and signed the agreement and dad paid the two thousand dollar month for ten years when he should have been paying around $1,400 month for five years and $700 month for the last five years your mom sounds nice no sarcasm she tried lawyers offered it what's the most ridiculous argument you've heard in court as a corporate lawyer the most ridiculous argument I come across almost monthly is as follows 14500 company signs a garbage contract and is going to lose a lot of money due to the plain language of apt contract 14500 company argues unconscionability specifically that said company was not sophisticated enough to read the contract and no reasonable person would ever agree to the terminal terms in dispute in some multi-billion dollar firms claiming they're incapable of reading contracts law student former professors story defendant busted for possession of narcotics there were in the pocket of his leather jacket he argues the search was illegal because with his buttery smooth leather jacket there's no way the officer would have felt the drugs in his pocket during a pat-down so he shouldn't have reached in the pocket to find the drugs in the first place judge asks if the jacket is the one he was currently wearing in court it was judge asks to feel this jacket and the pockets defendant hands it to the bailiff judge finds more drugs in the pocket needless to say it didn't go well for him I was a juror but this was a heck of a defense defendant ran through a red light and crossed against traffic in front of an officer she was over twice the limit it wasn't her fault she had a cut on her arm that her dog licked the yeast from the dog's saliva entered her bloodstream and converted her blood sugar into alcohol an opposing attorney the other day said I should not cross-examine his witness at a preliminary hearing because it would only home the witnesses testifying skills to be cross-examined at trial I laughed out loud some douche in my law school class warned me that his debating skills had been honed in the most unforgiving of internet forums he meant it unironically a lady has an injury comp case it's for her upper back and of course complex regional pain syndrome she decides she needs the insurance company to pay for a special mattress for her like a six thousand dollar memory foam with heat and massage and a thousand other features and not just a twin she needs a California king because of course her layabout unemployed boyfriend needs to sleep there too we spend months litigating the sling thing finally she buys it herself and my client agrees to give her one thousand five hundred dollars just to be done with it the judge takes myself and opposing counsel aside and says he's been an etheric us if we ever say the word mattress in his quarter game after wasting all this time it was that ridiculous not three months go by and the case comes on for another hearing after exhausting all the chiropractic care allowed under the law her doctor was seeking a variance to get some additional Kairo crack we get to court and I'm arguing it should be denied etc judge turns to her and says mom why do you feel you need more chiropractic care she pauses for a minute then says I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping on my mattress I think I saw smoke coming out of his ears in family court hearing a motion for entry of a restraining order for an abusive husband husband's lawyer argues that in the marriage there is implied consent for a certain amount of abuse violence to have him to stranglehold fold lady slipped and fell on an icy driveway which was not sorted or maintained so she wanted to sue for damages after hearing the story turns out the lady fell on her own driveway which she did not soul maintained and she was wanting to see you herself had a pro se litigant argue that she didn't owe the credit-card company because Jesus the basic argument was that debt is a sin or maybe not paying the debt was a sin and Jesus died for all of our sins therefore Jesus died to pay off her debt brilliant I was in the public gallery for this while studying law I was not the lawyer Leeds crown caught back in the early 90s 75 y/o foreign yes this is important man was facing a preliminary hearing at relating to charges that he had intimately touched a 13 new relative his barrister made a successful plea for bail based upon this man being an established pillar of the immigrant community and the judge asked the old man if he had anything to say before he was bailed until the next hearing in a month he made two comments one she was wearing very very tight shorts and I should not be held responsible because no real man could resist see something like that the judge reminded his this was a preliminary hearing not a trial so he should wait until the trial to argue his case especially statements that are far from exculpatory and are better suited to mitigation - I cannot reappear in a month because I am flying back to my home country tomorrow and will not be coming back the barrister appeared to be just as surprised as the rest of us the judge ordered the defendants passport seized and he was remanded in custody until his trial recovering small business BK attorney here was in bankruptcy court on a motion of my own when a very young attorney gets up to argue his position his request was denied in pre hearing disposition young attorney yeah Your Honor I believe your reading of the three cases you have cited is incorrect bankruptcy court judge bkj you think that do you yeah yes your honor I don't think the bankruptcy appellate panel believed these cases would be used in this fashion and I think you are miss reading the otoscope bkj okay tell me as those are BAP opinions who wrote those opinions yeah I'm not sure your honor I didn't check bkj in the future you may want to check those sorts of things all three cases were authored by the judge you just told didn't understand his own writing yeah blank stare bkj fess up in Jesus son I wrote those opinions yeah oh well I still think they're wrong bkj request denied get the heck out of my courtroom it was quite possibly the most Awkward type of walk of shame I've ever seen as he gathered his things and left not a lawyer but I was in traffic court and a cab driver had got a ticket for running a red he argued that it was really difficult to see because the Sun was rising morning right where the light was he was traveling west that sounds like a phoenix wright attorney case lawyer here during an order of protection hearing the 6 feet 3 inches muscular tattooed idiot told the judge that my 5 feet 1 inch his female client deserved the black eye he gave her because she wouldn't stop running her mouth he actually expected the judge to be sympathetic or something the second he admitted to hitting her the judge cut him off and said order of protection granted next case not in court but a conversation in my office it doesn't matter if you were sober or not you jumped out of a third-story window with a be a bottle and threw it at a cop the jury is going to think you were drunk also I think you were drunk hands-down the most ridiculous argument I've ever had was a constitutionalist pro se defendant trying to explain why the court lacked jurisdiction over him I was prepared for the standard arguments about Freeman on the land non-corporate natural person Admiralty Court etc but this one was different this particular defendant was part of a Jehovah's Witness compound and happened to be Marshallese American that says he was black after the court patiently explained to him that it has jurisdiction over all persons in the county the defendant promptly piped up that under the Dred Scott decision he wasn't a person in the court had no jurisdiction not so much ridiculous as ghastly but a man accused of having non-consensual course with his own daughter saying he couldn't have done so because he had a 9-inch dong and it would have caused her damage and that the physical signs of intimate activity that she did exhibit were because she'd been screwing the family dog I don't do criminal law anymore that was enough for me I'd left the firm by the time it actually got to trial but was kept in the loop about the case by friends still there he was found guilty and went off to prison this came in a deposition but it's still one of my funniest stories from this old job I worked part time as a paralegal when I was in college we had this massive case with a lot of people involved that had spun out into a bunch of little side cases in one of those side cases this guy was claiming our client had left him threatening voicemails related to the main case and him and his wife sued for loss of consortium loss of consortium and I swear to you this is a real thing basically means something happened that is stopping a married couple from sleeping together and they want to sue you over it the guy was claiming that he was so scared from these voicemails that he couldn't sleep with his wife anymore deposition time rolls around and I'm sitting in the other room but it's a small office and I can hear everything my boss starts asking the wife how is supposed to know that it was our clients fault they stopped sleeping together maybe she's just not as attracted to him anymore maybe he's not attracted to her maybe they didn't have that much other intimate life to begin etc so this woman starts yelling I love frickin and banging her fists on the table a lawyers try to calm her down and tell her to stop talking but she keeps on shouting our love frickin we used to Frick to three times a day we'd be thrown out of hotels because of the noise we'd makin to the protestation of everyone in the room her council and ours she proceeded to describe their intimate history in graphic detail all of which was recorded in the deposition and filed with the court former assistant state attorney prosecutor here this defendant is called up for arraignment and the judges telling him that he's been charged with theft for stealing a roll of scratch-off tickets from a gas station if the judge informs the defendant that since the value of the tickets was over $300 therefore it's a felony rather than a misdemeanor the defendant says to the judge but your honor to be fair the tickets were all losers implying it's not theft at all I was amazed at the ingenious nurse yet futility of the argument traffic court speeding ticket Your Honor I didn't speed and I can prove it with logic judge a ki I lady I Drive a Prius judge lady that proves I'm responsible specifically in the realm of cars so I obviously wouldn't speed she had to pay the ticket she should have argued the press lacks enough power to speed even if one wanted to I'm not a lawyer nor could I talk out the time during a custody battle between my grandparents and my mom and dad who were addicts the judge asks why my parents should have custody well we are his parents the judge says well you guys have substance abuse issues no we don't so you're not using anything no we're both clean when is the last time you've used a few days ago and we're done now my grandparents won that day in court this story has been told to me a few times by my grandfather actual lawyer what I dubbed the surprise party defense in a hearing for an order of protection in which ex-wife is trying to get an order of protection against ex-husband who had been stalking her they have a high school-age child together ex-husband tries to argue against the order of protection by saying they may need to be able to communicate about the child the judge points out that they can communicate through the child and also that other family members have been put in place by the juvenile court to be intermediaries ray pickup drop-off etc then ex-husband has a brilliant lightbulb idea judge what if I need to throw my son a surprise party and I need to keep it secret from everyone but his mom still needs to know so she doesn't throw a party the same day in other words while I admit have been stalking my ex-wife and that there are grounds to grant an order of protection you should not grant that order just in case I need to throw a surprise party one day what made it was how clever he thought the argument was thus was born the surprise party defense this never made it to court I asked my divorce lawyer what was the worst thing a client had asked him to argue I was expecting I want the salad spinner sort off story he had a client a professor in his 70s who was divorcing from his wife also a professor in her 70s they were both Jewish his wife had a tattoo on her arm it was a number but there by the Nazis when they put her in a concentration camp in World War two as a child husband was born in the US was not German the German government was in the process of settling a case with the survivors she had some amount of money a six-figure sum due to her tattoo the husband wanted his lawyer to argue that he should get half the settlement money lawyer told him that there was a special circle in heck for lawyers who asked for stuff like that and that he was not planning on ending up there lost the other lawyer but his client took the stand in a retail theft trial claimed he didn't steal a couple salmon filets on purpose he was just so flustered by phone conversation with his girlfriend that he accidentally slipped them into the pockets of his jacket in a part of the store the loss prevention officer called shoplifter Ali because it spot for the cameras and walked out without realizing it it's not like it was a candy bar or something small it was two salmon fillets I asked him have you ever done that before him number me have you ever seen anyone anywhere ever put fish like that in their pocket in your entire life him number mercifully the jury did not buy his ludicrous story and found him guilty I am a lawyer had a female inmate claims she was touched inappropriately by one of the guards one of her most damning pieces of testimony was testifying to this large vertical scar he had on his chest from a heart operation she continued to say that she remembered this huge scar from when he touched her the guard got on the stand took his shirt off and he had a tonight III horizontal scar upon his shoulder case over he had apparently told her one time that he had surgery and she assumed that would have left his giant scar and used that to make up a story there was the case in Georgia a while back where a kid claimed a teacher touched her during the trial somehow testimony involving something the kids said about the shape her breast came up turned out the teacher had had a double mastectomy the kid was describing breasts that didn't exist for so a lawyer had opposing counsel try to argue that because it landlady had written on her eviction notice it has been a pleasure getting to know you Bert please leave but Hearn testified they were all full tenants that she hated that she was dishonest and nothing she said could be trusted not a lawyer but when my mom was killed by a drunk driver we were filing a wrongful death suit and the lawyer for the defense used my mom's cancer to say that she was going to die anyways so a wrongful death dispensation was not owed not a lawyer but I do have a story for this this happened while I was working as a medical assistant one of our diabetic patients got a speeding ticket while his blood glucose was low and he seemed to be under the impression that this would be an ironclad excuse to get him out of it so he calls our office one day and I answer PT will be the patient me doctor X's office thread acquittal speaking how may I help you PT and I need the doctor to write a letter for me me I can definitely help with that what is the letter for PT I got a speeding ticket last weekend and I'm going to contest it I need a letter from the doctor stating that I have diabetes and that it impairs my ability to drive so it wasn't my fault I was speeding me me let me run through this with you just so I'm clear what you're asking for PT okay me you want the letter stating you have diabetes PT yes me and you wanted to say your diabetes impairs your ability to drive PT yes me and you believe telling the judge that your diabetes impairs your ability to drive we'll get him to throw out the ticket the PT yes me I don't think that's a good idea sir PT what why me even if they agree with your argument and toss out a ticket which I doubt they will if you tell them that you have a medical condition that impairs your driving ability I'm pretty sure they'll take your license away PT no no see I'm only impaired when my blood sugar is low me right but this would go on for a few minutes before I told him I'd ask the doctor and see what he thinks and surprisingly the doctor agreed with me said he would lose his license if he did that so we didn't write the letter but he still brought this argument to traffic court the patient is now driven to his appointments by his family members I wasn't a lawyer but a law clerk working with the prosecutor's office this guy was caught on the highest quality security cam video I've ever seen stabbing a store clerk like 15 times she survived and then was tackled a block away from the scene not five minutes later by a man who had seen him flee and followed him 25 feet from the knife and the jacket he'd been wearing that was covered in blood with a receipt with his name on it in the pocket it was a literal definition of a slam-dunk case the guy chose to proceed to trial without his lawyer instead of having the case postponed after his attorneys house was broken into and all his files of a stolen this guy's his main argument was that it wasn't him because of the statement of probable cause written by the officers after the incident Venice spelled his highly unique last name by adding a T in the middle for example Johnson became Johnston he spelled his name out at every opportunity with much emphasis he also argued it couldn't be him because of the man on the video tied a t-shirt around his head so that the distinctive tattoos there would be hidden but he would never cover over his tattoos like that because he was proud of them and they represented his heritage as a Korean man the jury took less than a half hour to return a guilty verdict lawyers offered it what was the least defendable case ever brought to you dead in his 60s hadn't been paying child support for decades and he owed more than $60 K for two kids who were adults now he was basically living at a farm in the middle of nowhere so no one could find him he worked for cash so the money could not be garnished from anywhere he then came into an inheritance which was deposited in his bank account and promptly confiscated by family maintenance he wanted it back a friend of mine was in a case where a guy was accused for graffiti vandalism among other things and the conversation with the judge went like this judge sir did you make this graffiti defendant no I did not J but it has your signature at the end D yes an artist has to sign his work case closed what I had a client who won just shy of a seven-figure settlement in a personal injury case she then dropped into my office to ask me to file a fee dispute against the attorney who represented her in the personal injury action that attorney took a little over two hundred and sixty thousand dollars on this case if you're doing the maths at home this guide took a 27% fee on the type of case where 40% fees are common did a freaking fantastic job because the woman got nearly a million dollars and then she turned around and tried to see him to recover any of his fees I rejected the case out of hand and then got an ethics complaint for discriminating against her sounds like she would have sued you for your fees if you had taken the case a woman wanted me to see her previous lawyer for charging her a lot of money but producing almost no work to justify his fees she gave me one she told me was the lawyers too work products a page printed off the internet for which she says she was charged thousands of dollars for legal advice she had already brought a claim via my jurisdictions disciplinary body for lawyers she had lost and wanted to bring an appeal the judgment kept referring to documents that I hadn't seen I pushed her to give me everything and she came in with multiple files full of immaculate legal work that totally justified the fees she was fighting we told her to get lost but she wasted a lot of my time before we realized she was full of crap this guy murdered his father than during the trial he sent death threats to his mother ladies and gentlemen take pity on my client he soon to be an orphan worked in-house for a famous character company with a large fanbase a few crazies a year : a guy called in claiming that we stole characters that he created and demanded to be compensated I calmly asked them to provide more details so I can determine whether this has any merit to it he states he designed the characters himself and gave it to the well-known actual creator when he was a kid and the Creator pawned them off as his own I asked him when he was born and it's a good 20 years after these characters were actually created I asked him to explain this and he pivots and says he also created some other well-known famous characters and brands characters and brands that are not owned by my company I kindly ask that if he wants to pursue anything to send us something in writing and hang up I figured if he wasn't going to do some really basic research on his own claim he wasn't going to spend any time to write it up never heard from him again this sounds like a guy I know that tried to claim that he created toothless as a character two years after the first age ttyd movie came out he also tried to tell me that he was an alien I'm talking he 100% believed that himself and went on and on about how he was waiting for them to take him home my dad had a client who was on trial for being a felon in possession of firearms possession of stolen property burglary and distribution of narcotics guy had multiple pictures of himself on Facebook holding guns drugs and cash and had videos of himself both breaking into someone's house and stealing a gun as well as selling crack on several occasions despite my dad basically telling the genius he was going to prison either way and to plead out for a reduced sentence dude still pleaded not guilty we still occasionally joke that the guy clearly wasn't competent to stand trial by virtue of being so dumb but I don't understand people's fascination for posting their crimes on facebook morons not my client bid my dad at the hospital he worked at was sued by a gentleman after he saved his wife's life details patient is pregnant with a child and miscarries the fetus is removed but the patient starts bleeding uncontrollably the only option available is a hysterectomy it was either that or she dies right there on the table my dad gets called in to do the surgery performs it successfully hooray the patient's husband is quite devout and beyond P that is wife can't have any more kids so he sued the hospital no firm would represent him and he ended up bringing proceedings himself went all the way to trial and he lost hard she lived on a large riverfront block she had a jetty for a boat her large tree fell over in storm and landed mostly in the water and making it difficult to moor her boat she wanted to sue the government for not taking away her fallen tree if it grows on your property it's your tree simple as that I represented a tree trimming company that went to the wrong address and cut down all the mature trees in that yard the right address was 100 North xx xx Street and the company went to 100 South xx xx Street and just went straight at it hacking away I still have no idea why the insurance company didn't just settle that one presumed a legal advice is salivating not a lawyer I was a jailer and used to pull double duty as a baloff a guy stole a pickup truck and was later captured passed out behind the wheel parks on a sidewalk surrounded by a ludicrous amount of drugs and gums his legal-defense he elected to represent himself because he wasn't done being stupid double jeopardy you can't charge me for theft drugs and felon in possession of a weapon because I've already been convicted all of those charges before in short during his jury trial he admitted to doing it but explained with a smug grin that since he had already done time for the same charges from another case before that he could not be prosecuted for them ever again this is not how double jeopardy works folks he's in prison for 20 years now if he'd taken legal counsel he could have easily cut a deal for five not me but my dad's lawyer my dad's ex-wife decided that they were getting on with divorce proceedings fast enough and decided to make a move one my dad was at work and we were all at school so she locked my little brother in my room the only one they didn't touch and cooled over 40-plus people to take whatever she thought was hers so pretty much everything including furniture old music and pictures from before she was even around I show up to the house to pick up my little brother and it's empty I don't know what she thought was gonna happen when she possessed many things that were obviously my dad's like pictures of just me and him or the computer that he bought through his job at Dell my dad sued her three times and won every time she just got caught laundering money from the summer camp she worked it into my old Boy Scout Troop that her son is was now him Frick her interestingly enough my dad just remarried to a district attorney I haven't had anything too spectacular but I've had a couple of clumsy civil fraud cases that I withdrew from both involve defendants who forged documents but didn't understand metadata for instance I can right click this added PDF text to view its properties it indicates that the text was added six weeks after the document was supposed to have been submitted in competed form the other side will ask about this our response up a guy wanted to see God because it was unfair to blame the rest of us for Adams poor choice I read about a guy who tried to see the devil for making him commit crimes the judge threw it out when the man couldn't prove the devil lived in the judges jurisdiction a lady was sacked by a large company they had caught her embezzling money to fund a gambling habit they had clear evidence see embezzling had occurred and she did not deny it she sued the company for $300,000 for unfair dismissal my sister's firm represented the company against this woman the case was so easy the firm gave it to my sister as her first ever solo attempt my sister screwed it up badly not only did she lose the court awarded the woman $500,000 instead of the $300,000 she asked for in the end it was a good career move the partners all knew her name and dropped into her office one by one to offer their sympathy not a lawyer but I feel bad for Y&W Meli's lawyer dude wrote three songs about murdering someone murdered two people in his vehicle drove them to the hospital and said it was a drive-by the shell casings of the bullets were in his car cell phone GPS pings him at the murder scene he said he'd murder them in text messages and the dude pleads not guilty I imagine that if you take a job like that you probably have to disconnect emotionally and just play the part as if it were a speech and debate exercise and then after your client of course loses you go cash your paycheck worked in family law in California for like two years before deciding I'd hang myself if I didn't change career paths in CA the obligation to pay spousal support alimony ends when the recipient begins cohabitation with a new romantic partner a guy who was positively getting flicked sin half in his monthly payments came to the office and said he was aware of the rule about cohabitation and wanted me to argue his point in court you see his ex was a narcissist she was in love with and had begun cohabitation with herself her presence in her apartment should count the same as if there were a romantic partner there he was bordering on begging me to take his money I refused a lady didn't pay her general contractor upwards of $20 K after the job was finished because other dozen or so minor complaints like he was slow told her she should pay and we could help her with her complaints else he will probably be successful getting a lien on her home she didn't pay he got a lien on her home even offered to help her stash the funds in escrow pending their dispute and would prevent a lien in the meantime no my best guess is that she didn't have the money and was attempting a tantrum to get out of it this was my 1l internship literally the first person to ever approach me in a legal capacity later that fall she showed up to my school and was demanding my infant in the front office who handled it well and I never saw her she blames me for losing her home I told you to pay or you lose your home you didn't pay and lost your home surprise Pikachu face I read a patent and told my bosses it was both invalid and infringed by no one it had ten means four elements and each patent claimed that no one would practice all that weren't supported in the written description partners my bosses knew to patent litigation sued on the patent anyway using young inexperienced and seasoned attorneys in the firm three years later after billing the client millions of dollars every defendant won by proving each claim either not infringed or invalid then my employer appealed and billed the client another assload of money with a young attorney in charge of the appeal that didn't understand the underlying issues on any level because he was a former teacher instead of patent attorney it was such a bad patent no one would settle at any point in the case my bosses were blood-sucking trolls I quit for these and similar parallel reasons the firm finally imploded my brother's a lawyer his client took a backhoe dug up a standalone ATM and scooped it onto a flatbed truck then and only then noticed a security camera nearby filming everything he got some black spray-paint out of his truck went up 2 inches away really nice view of his face and sprayed the camera lens he insisted on pleading not guilty I'm a paralegal local guy in his twenties decides to go rob his dealer he got the wrong apartment when the college girl opened the door he shot her in the face and fled she laid there for hours just out of reach of her cell phone and listened to it ring while her mom called she lived a neighbor found her now she's paralyzed from the neck down and her face is very deformed this is a small town during the trial the jury was shown just how strung out on drugs he was and how he even bragged to a few friends that he shot someone that's pretty dang hard to defend he got forty something years the girl that drove him to and from the apartment was also given jail time we once had a clients get bail and run I looked him up on FB and he had posted a photo of the bond paperwork and a bunch of $20 bills he the post read something like man flick the law and my bondsman can't nobody tell me crap blah blah typical hood crap we live in B Fe Texas dude is not a gangster anyways he didn't realize that the only reason we bonded him was because we were going to represent him withdrew on the bond in the case in the motion to withdraw we quoted his FB post and attached a copy of it as Exhibit A when we filed it lawyers offered it what's the dumbest thing you've had to explain to a client no you'd beg us self-defense does not mean he punches you in the face and then two weeks later you'd go to his house ring is doable and kick the crap out of him by far and away the strangest thing I have ever had to explain to a client is how to use an elevator our courtroom was on the fourth floor and she needed to take an elevator to get there I had to describe how you get in push the four and then get out when the lights above shows she's on floor four yet the dumbest legal thing I've had to explain is that you can't terminate your parental rights voluntarily and then request visitation with that child I once had a client who wanted to declare bankruptcy I explained he needed to have his tax returns for the past few years filed in order to do so he said he hadn't filed taxes in 20 years because it ain't none of the government's business how much money I make when I was a legal intern at a criminal defenders law office we had a client who was charged with murder we explained to the client not to make any phone calls saying anything incriminating because it will be recorded but where prisoners can use the phone there is a giant sign that says phone calls will be recorded on top of that before you are able to call out there is an automated recording that tells you that all calls are being recorded and monitored unless it is to your attorney which are covered by privileged client made a call to his girlfriend that evening asking her to hide the gun top shelfs stupid I had to explain to a client why their ex-husband could travel with their child to Florida without obtaining a passport as in I had to tell them that Florida was part of the United States that they had to pay me this is more common than you think for some reason some people think lawyers are like their personal spiritual guides or fairy godmother people really misunderstand what a right to an attorney is it doesn't matter if you were sober or not you jumped out of a third-story window with a beer bottle and threw it at a cop the jury is going to think you were drunk also I think you were drunk that you really can go to jail if we lose at trial that he hadn't really won a 20 million euro European super lottery from Australia that he'd never rented and that it was a good thing that his family bank and church wouldn't lend him the $2,000 they said they needed to verify his identity on top of the several hundred he'd already since then and that yes his priest was right it was a scam this was during a clinic at a free Community Legal Center the poor guy had limited English and only 20 dollars left in his bank account and he really did not want to let go of the 20 million euro dream his priest had sent him to this for advice because he wasn't having any luck talking sense into the old guy himself and thought lawyers might help first Australia competes in Eurovision now they are taking over the European super lottery not a client percent but a victim had to explain what the word ejaculate meant defense attorney asked if the defendant ejaculated and she said number on redirect I explained that the word meant something came out of his penis and she said oh then yes not the brightest person I've ever met it also means to speak suddenly and forcefully makes old books fun to read sometimes don't signal to the judge you need to use the restroom during your trial by making eye contact and vigorously nodding while urgently pointing at your crotch I went on a date with a lawyer recently who told me he had to be at work at 9:00 a.m. the next day to explain to someone that he could in fact be fired for killing someone with the company vehicle I was contacted by a couple who had paid for a trip to see the Midnight Sun in northern Norway they wanted to see you the travel agency when they found out it was the same son as always I had to explain that there's only a single son and that they can't sue a travel agency for selling a Midnight Sun trip every year one of the travel agencies publishes a list of the most ridiculous complaints they received the hilarious last year someone complained the beach was too sandy another good one was that they hadn't told the couple that a lot of beaches can be topless and the husband became distracted why they should not have called the cops to tell them exactly what they did that violated the restraining order my colleague had a case where the client went over to the protected party's house they were there then he called the cops and told them he was breaking the protective order a lawyer can't out-and-out lie you said to them yeah I burned his frickin house down and pee on the ashes he can't say you were two states away that blew some my students heads in my state we have this thing called victim's compensation an oversimplification of how it works goes as follows if you are the victim of a crime and suffer some form of injury for example psychological physical etc you can apply for a payment from state funds if you are the perpetrator of one of those crimes for example an assault robbery pedophilia etc can be made fee to pay the state back an amount relating to that victim's compensation I had a client who felt the process of being convicted for assaulting his relatives and having to pay victim's compensation back to the state was arduous and in return he should be receiving victim's compensation from the state so that was fun to explain not to a client but other party I was acting for a particular manufacturer they were sued for an injury incurred by someone using a product made by a different manufacturer I rang their lawyer and said I was acting for a and I didn't understand why I had been named as defendant in the suit but the body of the claim said the plaintiff had been injured by product made by B I asked if it was a monster Type O or what the response was that they thought a was the manufacturer of products sold under the name B now that isn't inherently stupid I guess so I said that had no basis in fact whatsoever and that a and B were unrelated competitors and asked as a matter of curiosity how they had reached the conclusion that a were the manufacturer of B the response was along the lines of someone in the office I think it was maybe Jim one of our clerks who thought he'd read somewhere that B were made by a that was it no checking of the product paperwork no company searches no brand main register searches no inquiries with our client or B not even an F in guca just some guy in the office had once heard and on that basis they issued a very financially sizable product liability suit I had a client once who was in trouble for stealing sample medications from a hospital we got security footage from the door as part of the evidence and when it came down we watched it together the camera was literally ten featuring away in a well-lit room and we watched her shovel proscription samples into a garbage bag and walk off after it was done she turned to me and asked if I thought she was going to be able to get off I said No I once had to explain to a client that he could in facts fire an employee for one stealing significant sums of money from the safe to pulling a gun on a co-worker who questioned these activities and three waving said gun in a customer's face moments later all of which were on camera not a lawyer but processed a case where a woman sued her lawyers after a divorce because they didn't explain to her that divorcing her husband meant she'd no longer be married I recently had a calls from a guy who found out that long john silver's was microwaving his baked shrimp combo he wanted to eat there for every meal for a year and then sue them for false advertising he changed his mind when I suggested that he would probably die off a heart attack before reaching his 1 year goal kotor appreciate that man's commitment though that the presence of yellow fringe on the flags in the courtroom do not mean that the court is an admiralty court without jurisdiction to hear the client's criminal case sovereign citizens are something else I watched a Rafael Supreme Court appeal over a murder case the guy killed several people with a baseball bat and wanted his sentence mitigated because he had PTSD he claimed he had PTSD from experience in the murder he committed the court had to explain to him that a mental issue acquired while committing a crime cannot mitigate the crime you committed the island led mobius strip defense works every time when a client called me this past Memorial Day and I asked why she was calling me on a holiday she replied that she didn't think Jews celebrated Memorial Day never thought that I would have to explain that to anyone first reading that I immediately wondered if they were just assuming you are Jewish I had a mediation last week with a client on a really crappy case and managed to settle for a decent amount I then explained to the plaintiff a share of the settlement after paying the bill she was confused so I explained that I was speaking about our fee and expenses she got upset because we were taking her money I had to explain what a contingency contract was and how we were compensated for our services the conversation took a turn for the absurd when I had to explain I did not work for free I thought it was no-win no-fee it was you one I once had to explain what a maiden name was they had no idea similarly with a different client I tried to explain why they needed to fill out the intake questionnaire I was explaining that I need information such as their name address and date of birth in order to draft paperwork their response why do I have to do this what did I even hire you for you're useless if I have to do all this work I might as well represent myself they were super peon stormed out the front door sorry I don't magically know your date of birth Oh God as a medical professional of a private practice I get that all the time with health history forms you have all my hospital and primary care records I don't have to do this again we are not affiliated with any hospital nor have we received these records they just believe there is a nationwide database truly I wish that was a thing not the dumbest but the one I have the most problem with is attorney-client privilege it's only a secret and safe from discovery from the other side if you keep a secret don't forward my emails to other people don't talk about your case keep it a secret well from the other side I once missed a court date and assumed that had put me an even deeper legal trouble my lawyer then had to explain to me that dodging his calls to avoid being arrested was just dumb and the exact wrong course of action not a lawyer but a friend of my dad once tried to sue him why because his dad the friends had died and since my dad was like a father to his friend he should give him money every month just like his dad when he was alive apparently the lawyer just said that's not how it works that's a whole level of entitled I didn't even want to know existed I have to explain to clients on a daily basis that yes you do have to actually pay for that house you are buying if your mortgage company hasn't given us the money yet or you didn't arrange for them to give enough money then you cannot pay for house and house is not yours and no I cannot give you keys to house before it is yours bankruptcy attorney here if you know you're coming to my office to file bankruptcy do not make major financial decisions before you talk to me transactional attorney here well from time to time I get folks that propose illogical things or things that are unhelpful to their clients I did once have an attorney who did not realize that my client was the seller and his client was the buyer which is funny enough I talked with my client and we decided I should politely let him know that there may have been a misunderstanding in that regard I did so privately and thoughtfully by email but he declined to revise his comments saying that he thought there was something like elements of a fair contract no matter who I represent although it seemed apparent they were especially fair to me doesn't happen off him row actually my old boss was negligent enough to have done that between custard tarts and naps at his desk late to the party but I'm a law student and I Clark had a big firm I was in a partner's office when she took a phone call in which she had to explain to a potential client that yes he did have to pay her if he wanted her to do the several hours of research that his question required he was baffled as to why she couldn't spend a few hours looking it up and then get back to him with the information for free I once had to explain to opposing counsel that his entire argument was wrong because he had cited a statue Phil chattels not real property it was a case involving a land contract I used to be a legal aid lawyer so sometimes I had sovereign citizens coming for help I'd have to explain that their magic words wouldn't solve anything and they were going to get evicted if they wouldn't agree to negotiate for settlement I wouldn't then because they never had any real deffence is and we didn't have the resources to litigate in possible cases serious lawyers offered it what's the dumbest thing you've seen take place in front of the judge attorney when was the last time you did drugs defendant on stand checks watch i had a judge ask my client if he could pass a drug test he answered he could and was sure because he hadn't smoked in 30 days case had been pending for four months saw one defense attorney demonstrate working during closing arguments of an assault with intent to kill trial DUI to a drug defendants show up to criminal court with beer we D flick the police t-shirts constantly all their pockets it's like dude this isn't your first second or third trip to the courthouse you know there is a security screening at the entrance maybe it's not the best idea to put your drugs through the x-ray scanner which is even more amusing because such substances wouldn't set off the metal detector if kept on their person during the direct examination of the defendant the PD kept asking leading questions after five or so sustained objections in a row the judge had enough and sent the jury out of the room to yell at the PD during the cross about ten minutes later the judge again sent the jury out to yell at the defendant for trying to tell his story instead of just answering yes or no questions not to mention he was clearly lying through his teeth also the defendant was recorded committing the crime so yeah he was later found guilty I was in front of a judge for oral argument and the other side proper failed to show up the judge called him and made him argue against our motion while driving and on his cellphone the judge spoke for a minute setting up the arguments for the guy basically leading him to the core argument and what he should be saying if he wanted to get our motion denied after a few moments of silence the guy responds judge I'm too stupid to understand what you just said that ended the argument quickly and on our favor I mean bonus points for honesty personal story I was sued once well they meant to sue me but actually sued my uncle same career named him in the documents and served him me being young and clueless thought I should go to the trial just in case my uncle told me I absolutely should not now here's where the opposing attorney screwed up they never once tried to interview or talk to me or my uncle law or they would have realized their mistake day of the trial my uncle actually made it to the stand from the way I heard it questioning was hilarious were you working on blah blah day number please read this payroll statement doesn't this payroll statement say you were working number look at this highlighted line isn't your name rvw 260 yes then you were working number this says kvw 260 was working my uncle said even the judge was laughing as he immediately tossed the case non-us lawyer we once had a client who was arrested for fraud the problem was his arrest warrant was riddled with errors half the time his name was changed to someone else's the dates were wrong and it ended by declaring the arrest warrant on the basis of robbery not fraud the client was actually egregiously guilty of committing fraud but he walked a free man because here the arrest warrant has to be written with the accused full name the exact crime he is being accused of in the date and place of said crime lesson 2 DA's and judges don't copy paste without proofreading people finding religion in front of a judge at sentencing the judge would always respond with God may have forgiven you but the state has not that judge was a boss firm fair and a total baddest one guy I saw said Your Honor I haven't been drinking anymore I have been clean for six months God as my witness the judge responded well a lot of people say that but the funny thing is not once have they ever been able to bring him and to testify the dumbest thing I've seen is a guy show up from not doing his community service in a shirt that said I'm not lazy I just don't like to work judge asked him about it and he said it was his only clean shirt everybody had a good laugh even the judge ha ha ha 30 days in the county pen seconds after being served with a protection from abuse order opposing party flipped off the person who had obtained the order and seconds after that approached her and asked if they could at least talk about it promptly arrested I'm doing jury selection on a civil case in California it is going to be a long trial six weeks so the judges giving jurors a lot of latitude if they claim any hardships for serving that long after about 30 minutes of whadya which ended up taking three days and several panels one guy stands up and says in very broken English that he can't follow the judge asks him if he speaks English well enough to render a fair verdict and he looks confused and says no the judge thanks him for his service and dismisses him from the panel in perfect English accent now gone he says thank you very much your honor where should I put my badge before I leave judge found him in contempt and ordered him to stay for jury duty for the next week usually you just stay for one day if you don't get picked for a jury in that day your service is over during a plea hearing on a prostitution charge the state proceeds to give the narrative of events thus a starts to get a little uncomfortable trying to describe the specific act that led to the arrest we all know the line he's reading is sucked his long dong but he's trying to find a nice way to say it for the record he finally goes where she then euhh proceeded to perform euhh fellatio as soon as he says fellatio the defendant stands up and straight up yells I didn't do any of that French crap I gave him a [ __ ] clients said to judge well that's your opinion it went as badly as you'd expect crazy but sad we had an elderly local attorney introduce an exhibit into a divorce hearing of course we object to it somewhere in his argument into why it should be admitted he got turned around and started objecting to his own evidence another time a guide trying to get leniency on his fourth driving on revoked told the judge your dad and my dad were cousins we are family aside from the fact that that situation would also make the judge's cousin in a small County everyone our cousin's far enough down the line unfair dismissal case my client was summarily terminated for no reason she recorded the dismissal on a dictaphone the torrent of misogynistic hateful abuse her boss spewed at her was unbelievable he also assaulted her as she was removing the hands-free phone device from her car repeatedly slammed her leg in the door causing a fracture all the while screaming at the top of his lungs Frick you you piece of crap suffice to say we played that tape a million times in cross-examination euhh I hope there was more charges than just unfair dismissal it was more what didn't take place I was working for the DA's office and we had a guy schedule to appear for a vandalism charge the guy had a long history of minor offenses if the judge was an ax lenient mood that day so the guy was probably going to get off flight at the scheduled time he hasn't shown up his lawyer tells the judge he hasn't heard from the defendant that day we wait ten twenty thirty minutes at the half hour mark the judge is furious she angrily tells the lawyer to get out and find his client and get him before her no matter what it took or she'd rain heck down upon the defendant an hour later the lawyer slinks back into the courtroom the judge sees him and interrupts another lawyer to call him up to the podium the poor lawyer proceeds to tell us that a defendant didn't show up because he was actually sitting in jail two counties over having been caught trespassing the night before needless to say that defendant got the book thrown at him at the end of a DWI trial involving a pretty major wreck in which the defendant was found guilty the judge asked the defendant if he had anything he wished to tell the court during the sentencing phase the guy thought for a second and said Your Honor I'm real sorry normally I Drive a lot more careful when I'm drunk had a client toss his car keys on the defendant table moments before sentencing for his fourth our judge asked how he got to court without blinking said I drove why good way to gets a quick bail jumping charge for violating his no driving bail condition for anyone else who was wondering that's operating while intoxicated we all forget to turn off our phones in court but I once faced off against a lawyer whose phone rang right while he was in the middle of making his final submission to the judge even that might have been forgivable if he hadn't interrupted his submissions to take the call a lot of clients want to speak up the judge you don't understand but giving them the look of death and a jab in the ribs usually shuts them up pretty quickly they're usually pretty okay I found this gem doing some research one day quoted from the case as is evident from the foregoing excerpt from the transcript the judge would not permit the appellant to speak to the issue of judicial bias the appellant was agitated the judge was no doubt frustrated this exchange culminated in the appellant choosing to disrupt the proceedings by commencing to disrobe the appellant described her actions to the judge as a form of nonviolent protest which would continue until the judge would hear her motion for judicial bias wish I was there for that one I do family law told eleven clients in a row that they could be drug tested five panel P test you need to be clean for about a week as part of the custody evaluation process seven of them failed you need to be clean for a week to pass everything but toca it is detectable by a five panel for something like two four weeks depending on how often you smoke lawyer here I had a case where I was suing a lesbian on behalf of her former lesbian partner it was a relationship property case the one who was being sued put an issue whether they had even been lovers or whether my client was just a flatmate or boarder in her home for the several years they lived together I had no idea how I was going to prove that but it turned out my client had sable of the soppy love notes that her partner had left on the fridge most of which were I love you you little squishy oyster and other rebel descriptions that issue sunk pretty quickly once the box of those were produced I've seen a woman pee herself situation wasn't so tragic to warrant it but she was sent back to jail so understandable a man called the judge by only his last name which is great if you think he'll reciprocate the upcoming fist-bump a large number of high drunk and other people say this is bulls also not a great technique in court like the first two but I've got a pretty good one so hope this isn't buried husband and wife are going through a divorce and are having a custody hearing basically the attorney a is representing the father who wants to be able to have some rights to see his son but mother has already been awarded full rights father's attorney is super passive-aggressive against the mother's attorney really rubbing everybody the wrong way eventually the mother's attorney snaps and quits back if he was as good of a father and husband as you claimed we wouldn't be here would we father's attorney has some dumb but reply and the judge starts losing his cool another few comments later in the judge ends the hearing no adjudication just takes the filings and demands that the parties get out of his chambers this wasn't in the courtroom itself in the hallway the mother's attorney loses his crap starts yelling at the other attorney he yells back they get into a full yelling match in the courthouse then the father who is 230 lb plus steps between them to entreat them to chew out starts telling both his lawyer and the wife's attorney that they are acting like children people in the courthouse are giving their looks assistants peeking out of doors and the wife steps in and you're both acting like a couple of kids soon-to-be ex-husband and I can handle this on our own then the couple who is in the middle of a vicious divorce step aside talk for a few minutes and walk back he's going to take son Tuesday night you two she points at the attorneys do whatever you need to do with the judge I don't know what happened with that case but it warmed my heart to see a father step between the two trained legal professionals and impress his wife so much that they were able to work things out the sad part the husband's lawyer saw it as a win for him because his conduct put his client in a position to break up the fight and show her that he is a great guy update for those asking this was in 2009 I don't know the final disposition of the case just that the mother agreed to let the father spend some time with their son and yes this is a true story I will never forget we had a defendant bust into the court from the local jail his case was called and he promptly walked up the podium look the judge dead in the eye and crapped his pants jumpsuit he knew he was going back to prison and just wanted to cause as much havoc as possible people were gagging and there was a general sense of did that just happen in the air I'm going to start off with some context this event took place on the first day of a murder trial in the Hong Kong High Court now the official language used in the high courts of Hong Kong is English and not Cantonese the judge for this particular case was British but the lead prosecuting attorney was from Hong Kong whenever he spoke the judge had a hard time understanding him to make things worse the trial and evidence packet composed by the prosecution was a complete mess and did not include an English version during the opening statement the lead prosecution attorney decided that he needed to grab his colleague and act out the murder in order to get the message across this was not pre and to make a long story short the judge adjourned about an hour into postpone the trial in order for the prosecution to sort out this mess that was the dumbest thing I've ever seen in a trial and I can't imagine how desperate the prosecution was to do such a thing a case where a large gangster-type defendant was accused of slashing the throat of a small skinny guy the defense counsel made him wear a large coat to conceal his size and brought in an interpreter to slowly translate each word of the proceedings because he had absolutely no understanding of English ten minutes into the trial a cellphone goes off and rings for about a minute the judge is furious and the ringing is amplified in the large courtroom the hearing stops and everyone is looking around trying to figure out where the sound is coming from suddenly the defendant stands up and pulls the phone out of his pocket it is still ringing but only louder the defendant then yells hey judge I don't know how to turn my phone off the prosecutors response when the judge ruled the document would not be admitted into evidence but Your Honor we need that my favorite was a defense attorney in our courtroom giving his sentencing colloquy this was for a charge of getting intimate with a minor the attorney claimed that the defendant and the victim started out as friends and then physical intimacy just broke out the judge responds what like a rash the defense attorney didn't have much to say after that which was surprising by itself on a hearing regarding a restraining order requested against him a man raised the defense of BiBi trip in restraining order granted a good blessed General Sessions Court my mentor and boss continually picks his nose in court I am continually horrified attorney did you call the defendant a busted be witness yes I did because she was going to jail attorney that's not nice is that a nice thing to say when I was in law school my school had a mock trial program that took place at the local County Court where the judges were actual judges prosecutors and attorneys from the local area so one day a mock trial is happening and one student who was a law student not in the mock trial program is acting as a witness being questioned on the stand this person was getting a little too rude acting in character so the judge who was an actual judge so the judge admonished him to tone it down the student didn't listen so the judge took them to a little side chat and told him he really needs to stop the student blows up at the judge and tells him that he doesn't have to listen to her petty state court judge and proceeded to verbally assault the judge judge filed an assault charge student was kicked out of school for damaging the school's relationship with the local courts and I would imagine likely never got admitted to another law school or if they did would have a hard time passing the character and fitness test to practice law in that state lots of weird people in law school my school had several junkies who barely walk through the door stories like these are my favorite memories this is a much longer story but I'm on mobile anyways a guy came into court on a pervert charge his friend is a lawyer who comes into court with a black suit snakeskin boots and a bolo tie it is glorious how slimy he looks when he gets up to talk to the judge he says I've known John for twenty years and he is a good man but he is not a pervert sir I should know because I am one I miss working for the Durr so at the arrest stage when cautioned in the UK any response you give anything you say under caution is recorded and given as evidence one of these guys is arrested for a scrap and kicks off in custody calling us saying this c-word that one custody officer goes sir calm down you realize everything you say will be recorded and told to the magistrate he replied oh freak the magistrate and their frickin Court the magistrate is a see caught day comes I'm called to provide evidence to show that the man was badly mannered and aggressive in nature amongst other statements and actions he made I say your worship whilst in custody the defendant did not calm and custody officer his attempts to calm him by warning him we would provide what he says as evidence to yourself was met with a freak the magistrate and their frickin Court the magistrate is a see well that was the end of my evidence and the court retired for a lunch break the magistrates went to town on him and sentencing I only have one was in court during a sentencing and the defendant not my client approaches the bench with his attorney the judge begins to go through the sentencing colloquy and the man says Frick you judge to the judge a female was pretty shocked and just said excuse me I said Frick you judge ain't no woman told me what to do in my life sentenced me to whatever she just sat there dumbfounded for a second then alright fine mister I hereby sentence you to life in the penitentiary well that sounds freaking fantastic defendant was already doing a life without parole sentence and had this charge pending when he received his first sentence he knew he was basically untouchable and no matter what the judge did his sentence could never get worse one of my pro bono clients pulled out nail clippers and proceeded to clip her nails during oral argument two good stories from arguing motions one I was arguing a case should be dismissed because a decade long delay sketchy opposing counsel says to me where's your authority to show that delay is long enough judge says right here case dismissed and points to his file to opposing counsel asked if I was crapping him when I said despite a typo the motion could still be granted I crap you not he cursed during oral argument when I was a public defender I represented a woman in felony DUI trial it was a felony only because her license was already suspended when she got the DUI her back was point three zero yes not oh three and there were empty vodka bottles rolling around her car I found case law that said the state must prove she actually received notice that her license was suspended in order to charge it as a felony on my motion after the state's case again after the defense's case and again after the jury verdict the judge grudgingly had to dismiss a felony part because the state couldn't prove the woman never received notice that her license was suspended the judge made a very clear record however that the conviction for DUI was solid and unaffected by dismissing the felony whatever we beat the felony was the difference between four months in prison and 24 hours in county jail that's not the dumb part this woman was nucking futs and swore she wasn't drunk bulls she was drunk every time I ever talked to her and no one would dismiss her case she filed a lawsuit against the public defender's office my supervisor personally me personally the County Superior Court and the judge personally she would show up at the courthouse every day to read her file and Harris the court staff the judge eventually barred her from coming to his court without written permission she started wearing wigs and big hats and sunglasses to skulk around his court unrecognized no idea what happened to her after that her back was 3.0 yes not oh three shorty it must have been 0.3 or on a different scale from the conventional one around 0.5 is where there's a high chance of death from alcohol poisoning we had an expert witness testifying about gunshot residue he was asked about how long such residue would remain on a given surface his response before the court well I like to say it's like the difference between love and herpes herpes lasts forever you have been visited by the wealth rat subscribin 12 seconds and he will share his wealth with you thanks for watching if you are new to the channel you can subscribe I publish new videos every day until then check another video or don't either way have a great day you magnificent people [Music]

Channel: Updoot

Views: 178,134

Rating: 4.7886662 out of 5

Keywords: reddit 1 hour, 1 hour, compilation, lawyers, lawyer, reddit lawyer stories, reddit lawyers, courthouse, funny lawyer, #updootst, updoot, updoot reddit, updoot everything, reddit on tap, toadfilms, pewdiepie, reddit, askreddit, funny reddit, reddit stories, top posts, reddit top posts, reddit cringe, comedy, reddit compilation, /r, r/, r/askreddit, top posts of r/, askreddit reading, best reddit posts, top posts of all time, people of reddit, askreddit question, ask reddit, subreddit, sub

Id: NiabjbIEJf4

Length: 82min 16sec (4936 seconds)

Published: Sun Mar 29 2020