What's your greatest "I'm F#cked" moment? r/AskReddit | Reddit Jar

what's your greatest well I'm F carrot moment as a little kid I was traveling with my family on a plane to Dubai once it landed I went down one aisle family went down the other I didn't know and thought my family were behind me kept walking forward and eventually when I looked back they weren't there well T walked back and forth for what felt like an eternity in the air court trying to find them since I was lost in a foreign airport without my passport or identification was with my parents freaking out because there was a police person there and people kept looking at me funny since I was an unattended Asian kid freaking out eventually I was reunited with my family but man it was terrifying as a kid home alone six Dubai enlisted in the Marines because I wanted the challenge not because I actually wanted to fight or anything naive I know while I was in Denver waiting to get my wisdom teeth pulled a handful of [ __ ] crashed planes into the World Trade Center a friend called me saying he had been kicked out and need help picking his stuff up was doing well in chemistry the only class I had that morning so figured I could get one and go help show two days later for the next class and they begin handing out graded midterms that's why you should keep a calendar buddy needs a ride at 10 p.m. borrow dad's car pick him up and get on the way get pulled over for speeding and as soon as you see the red and blues he says the one thing you don't want to hear don't pull over my backpack is full of drugs you were taking me to sell double-quote this was when I was in seventh grade I went to a really small Catholic school and my parents a lot of times helped out around the school on weekends so I was often there in an almost empty school with nothing to do really I for some reason had a very different locker than most of the other kids in the school mine was a really short locker but very wide I had always if I could fit inside of it I figured this was a good time to do it with nobody around to see me finally solve this stupid mystery so I get inside and I'm kind of scrunched in there well the goddamn door shuts on me I'm trying to use my fingers to open the latch from the inside but I can't do it so I locked myself inside my own damn locker until probably 20 minutes later my dad and another adult family friend comes along and I start pounding on the door they laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh you know what I'll just let you guys know when they're done laughing but it's been 14 years so I'm not sure that's gonna be anytime soon that exact millisecond when you realize you're leaning too far back in your chair and your life flashes before your eyes and you accept your fate just a few days ago my first time going rafting and my group and I were about to get in the raft and all the instructors kept saying now this is the roughest water I've seen in seven years no biggie let's go rafting [ __ ] ended up being caught between two currents and flipping over I was stuck under the raft for about two minutes until I was finally yanked out and dragged through the river until I hit a rock and climbed on top the entire time my only thought as well this is how I die turns out a woman and my group didn't die she hit her head underwater passed out and drowned woke up at 9:15 final exam started at 8:45 I would literally just start sobbing when I got caught shoplifting I was a little [ __ ] from the local supermarket and they called my school because I was moronic enough to wear my school uniform and get caught the school dean came to the shop noticed who I was because and what my name was because we sought anew each other and they rang my parents my parents are extremely religious and hates doing something wrong moral even if they are little stuff safe to say I got yelled at by my dad but he didn't hit me thank [ __ ] although I deserve it my best friend at the time also got caught and he said he got a massive smash by his six feet four inches father I was working at an animal shelter when we got a meth-addicted Rottweiler in she lived in a home with two meth addicts and makers she was a trained attack dog and she was also detoxing needless to say she was pretty vicious the officer that brought her in went with me to put her in her isolation Ken also he could take photos for evidence of something when I got her in the kennel and loosened the loop on the catch Cole she managed to barge her way out of the kennel and now she's loose in the isolation room with me and the officer I get her to stop moving and I'm about to slip the Catchpole around her neck when the officer tries to be a gentleman by grabbing the pole and trying to get her under control she redirects her aggression and chomps down on my inner thigh and starts to shake thankfully I was able to reach down and give her neck and head a big hug so she couldn't move and she let go the officer got her on the pole and took me to the hospital now the city cops won't pull me over as a sort of apology at least not for speeding within a reasonable amount over anyways TL DR I got bit by a meth-addicted Rottweiler when the officer tried to be nice by taking my cat Cole I have two the first was when I got shot by the cops the time between knowing I was it and the pain setting in luckily it was a beanbag round the second was when I had to stand up to a guy who was as tall as me I'm six feet nine inches but was heavier because of all of his packed muscles he fried his brain on steroids and was wanting to beat the woman standing behind me to death mental facilities in the u.s. suck he was fuming had already knocked one other guy out and could have easily torn me to pieces but he didn't he stood there staring into my eyes fuming I forgot what I said to him I think I went into shock I was so scared but managed to not freak out until he orderlies arrived minutes later tackled and cocked all him as soon as I knew I was safe broke down and started bawling like a child helping my parents out in the garden age 12 ish I suppose they had me breaking up these big bits of wood for some reason or another I found a big metal pole and thought it would be a great idea to use that but it snapped on the first hit and hit me in the face than the shoulder at first I thought I was gonna go blind so I ran to the mirror screaming to see what I'd done small cut on face huge bone deep gash on shoulder calmed right down pretty much just sat down and thought at least it wasn't my eyes it was pretty damn close to my eyes went on a bender while on a business trip to Japan managed to pass out in someone's front yard and was woken by the police at 5 a.m. taken to police station and during the process they found a small amount of cocaine on me I knew I was f ked and looking at a long stint in a Japanese jail life flashed before my eyes the whole bit the lower-level cops cooled down a more senior detective and showed him what they found he gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head they made me throw it in the bin then just sent me on my way to this day it shocks me what a close call that was so I went in a roller coaster and this guy comes with a shove air out of my lungs as he attempts to make sure the mechanism has me secured the usual then as the ride starts and I'm about out of hearing distance I test the brace again out of boredom more than anything else it wasn't locked I could lift it to above my shoulders my first thought was okay this is how I died kind of expected it really double-quote and then we passed that slow part where you're just climbing a slope not wanting to fall I gripped the brace as close to the hinge as possible so the centrifugal force doesn't accidentally open it I guess the really lucky part was that this ride didn't make any loopings or sharp turns just steep drops after it all ended and I made sure I was still alive I went up to the controller to tell him about it his face lost colour the ride shutdown still didn't even scream riding in the mountains I see a crest in the road thought it would be fun to have a little air time on my bike so instead of breaking I speed up hit the crest and catch some air only to see a pickup truck coming towards me I honestly thought I would die couldn't break and couldn't turn anywhere in the air but the truck driver was a decent man and braked hard turned away from me thanks man back in 2000 I was in 5-6 grade brand-new computer stupid porn websites changed my homepage of browser and installed toolbars I thought I removed them and changed the homepage the night before next day while I was in school dad turns on computer and homepage was changed back to that porn website automatically and toolbar was installed automatically again I come back from school and dad tells me we need to talk but first let me go use bathroom while he was taking a [ __ ] I turn on computer and open that biggie Internet Explorer icon homepage and toolbar is back I quickly change the homepage and remove toolbar when he gets out if bathroom tells me to open that biggie I did and homepage was Yahoo calm he is like close it open it again and Yahoo come again he walks away without saying anything that whole week I scrambled around on how to fix this issue knowing we just spent two K on computer that whole week I left the computer on so homepage will not change back to malware infected porn website that whole week mom and dad tried to find a way to talk to me about it but they couldn't and they just let it go I ended up reformatting the PC with the CD that it came with woke up on a Saturday morning and decided to blow off my phone for the weekend and turned it off I watched TV playing some video games that night I went out and got all the ingredients for a lasagna made it from scratch slept in on Sunday to about 1 p.m. watch TV in bed all day ordered a pizza for dinner really felt extremely rested a TV show i watch comes on Sunday nights at 9 p.m. made some popcorn sat down at 8:59 and turned on AMC well my show wasn't on and holy f ck its Tuesday night I worked over the weekend forgotten didn't show up to work Monday mornings thinking I T was Saturday I know show to work for two days with my phone off was [ __ ] went on a double date when I was 20 took the girls to a lookout cabin and the GAR teen now Hills no imminent action so me and the dude got bored we decided to climb down a steep hill to find a waterfall we could hear it was two feet tall not worth it considering other dude has bright idea to climb up directly under the girls and scare them this section is a sheer cliff but f ck it we're twenty and invincible right near the top my friend points to a rock and says careful this one's loose he then proceeds to step on said rock and push himself up and over the edge I get to the same spot and that particular rock is looking pretty handy I assumed that it could hold my buddy's weight I could grab it for a quick second I assumed wrong the rock came straight out super slow-mo in my head I'm fully locked 60 feet straight down I should be dead instead it's 20 years later and I'm tapping away my story on a handheld supercomputer while pooping life is grand kids the moment I almost rear-ended a parking car going 50 km/h 31 mph on my bicycle I was going downhill without a helmet on smart I know when I suddenly noticed the parking car I tried to brake but just ended up sliding my way towards it entering the road to go past it was not an option as cars were driving by so of course I did it anyway I somehow managed to squeeze between the car and the traffic slid my way along the path cars side tore off the mirror and flew across the bonnet my bike going the other direction miraculously I wasn't even bruised slightly my bike was barely bent at all so I just sat there and tried to process what just happened I could have died easily that day when I hit a patch of black ice and lost complete control of my car everything I learned in driver's ed and everything my dad ever taught me just blanked out of my mind like a blue screen of death I just kind of sat back and went well [ __ ] before hitting the side of the road and flying through the air for 15 feet before rolling my car three times it rolled from front to back at one point and busted out the windows and packed me in with snow so I was basically protected with packing peanuts when I came to I got out of the car without any harm done to me the lady who stopped to help yelled out to me mom are you okay and I just shouted back my dad is going to kill any my insurance will go up double quote 16 years old come home to find that my mom had rearranged the game room which is where the porn tape I had was hidden look at the cabinet where it was stashed yep cleaned out oh [ __ ] looking back at it it's not that big of a deal but at the time I thought it was the end oh god the memories back when I lived with my mum I had a heroin problem and a bedroom full of paraphernalia several times she organized my room for me now that is f king scary still makes my knees weak to picture my mom with tears in her eyes holding a bag of insulin syringes and my spoon in front of me got double jumped by a way bigger kid on one of the old school trampolines back when I was about 10 years old my trajectory had me coming down on the rail right between my legs I summoned the power of a thousand ten year olds and managed to stop my entire body with my hands on ray'll I now have a three-year-old son as a reward for my burst of strength my nads lived to spunk another day as a child about 11 years old climbing a big old old tree at the secret Lake must have been 20 - 30 ft up when the branch I was standing on just went like dust away from me falling headfirst was one of those life flashing past moments and being only 11 it didn't take long was saved by ending upside-down tangled in a barbed wired fence never did tell my mom the truth about how my new jeans and leg got ripped to pieces climbed a tree when I was 10 had binoculars on just surveying the hamlet where I lived honest and I fell it wasn't too far a distance I wouldn't even have broken anything but the rope on my binoculars got caught on a branch and if it hadn't immediately broken it would have undoubtedly snapped my neck had a scar right around my neck for the next few months it was a cold night I was driving down the highway on a 20-mile stretch between my origin and my destination I had the window cracked as I was smoking and was ashing out a tiny crack in the window as I finished my cigarette I went to flick my cigarette out the window when it bumped against it and instead fell into my door jamb which happened to be semi full with papers it immediately caught fire I rolled the window down and started throwing flaming pieces of paper out the window mind you this was a completely empty highway at about 4:00 a.m. I was watching the road ahead of me to make sure no cars were coming as I scrambled to throw the flaming pieces of scrap out my window as you can guess by now the Cherry's came on and I was pulled over I had drank that night and just knew I was going to blow over the limit definitely my worst well I meth carrot almond but because of that moment I am where I am today and I stopped driving after imbibing even a little and things are pretty good all around zero stroke 10 though would not recommend well I used to make slightly altered driver's licenses everything went smoothly for months then nine stroke eleven no I did not supply them with any ID happened and they crack down on Illinois and Iowa on it then one weekend two different people in two different cities got caught with their real and my slightly altered ID the cops wanted to know which was real when they both called me that's when I knew I was [ __ ] edit I got into the business because I wanted an ID so I made one and it was okay then I met the guy who made them in a slightly different way we kind of took the best parts of both and combine them then our friends wanted them and $50 was $50 then their friends wanted them and it got out of control I ended up making a deal that involved than being able to recover all the IDS no one with one was charged besides the ones that got caught on their own I made a plea and did not do any jail time I was also a criminal justice major and ruined that whole thing good times about eight years ago my friend drew flicked off this truck full of bro that was tailgating us they followed us to a grocery store parking lot and got out to confront us I peeled out started speeding down the road and next thing I know I'm in a full-on car chase my dumbest turns off the main road because I was hoping I could lose them nope they cornered us in a cul-de-sac all the brass got out of the truck and two of them had bats I was pretty sure I was about to die dude came to the window and started screaming at me about how much of a P ssy I was and how easily he could kill me he made me tell him I was his [ __ ] and I assured him that I was his [ __ ] he made me say it about eight times then he bucked at me turned around got in his truck and left scariest experience I've ever had in my life to this day I won't even honk at someone no matter what they do on the road after skipping lunch during a business trip I was starving when the dinner appetizers were being passed around at a formal function after work out so I grabbed a shrimp on a toothpick and it managed to slide down my throat after one bite almost whole I can't get any air out or in after 20 seconds or so I make eye contact with an executive from my company and I make the universal sign for choking he gets it and asks me if I was choking and I nod yes he asks me if I want the Heimlich and I vigorously nod yes he does it quickly and effectively and the offending shrimp was dislodged into a handy napkin not shot across the room like in the movies the whole process took less than 30 seconds and people standing five feet from us didn't even know it happened choking is a very silent way to go I broke up with my abusive ex-boyfriend back in August I started to ignore his phone calls and texts because I was trying to move on this pissed him off a lot one day I'm at home alone and his car pulls into my driveway he slams the door closed and starts banging on my front door I'm about to dial 911 when it stops and I start to calm down a little bit and then I heard the back door slam shut and him screaming my name he'd jumped the fence and managed to get it unlocked that was about the time that I figured I was [ __ ] I was riding my ATV down a road going 40 or 50 miles per hour we had a snow day that day and the roads were terrible so no cars were out on the road the road was mostly snow so my ATV was going on it fine but then I hit a patch of ice and started serving back and forth I lost control of it for a split second I thought I was going to die because there were telephone poles on the side of the road I could fly into - I ended up flipping the ATV but I flew off and landed safely in a snowdrift probably the luckiest moment of my life I am pretty severely diabetic because of that I have bad circulation and I'm very succesful - infections especially in my legs I went to bed one night we were going camping my favorite thing in the world the next day so I had trouble falling asleep once I finally did I slept for about two hours before waking up freezing cold and with terrible pain in my left leg I woke my wife up because I was shivering so hard she drove me to the e and they admitted me immediately my fever was so high I was delirious and was fighting and growling at the nurses who were trying to get my vitals my wife eventually calmed me down enough for them to do their job I had contracted strep in my leg if I had waited until morning to go to the hospital I'd probably be dead I do remember thinking on the way to the hospital before the madness set in that this was the flare-up that was going to kill me it was pretty scary listening to my wife tell me about my behavior with the nurses lunging at them when they tried to put a blood pressure cuff on biting at them when they tried to take my temp it was more like having rabies than a skin infection I don't remember that night at all only the stories my best friend and I were about 10 years old we'd often go to the elementary school to skate on the weekend because it had lots of cement walkways one day we noticed the teachers lounge I wiggled the doorknob and it opened this was very cool a forbidden adult place so naturally we walked in we didn't take anything but had a good look around as we exited the lounge a cop car pulled up we just about crapped our pants the cop asks us what we were doing and we blubbered out just looking he proceeded to get our names and phone numbers then put us in the back of his cruiser by this time we are sobbing he left system there and went into the room and looked around when he came out he let us out of the car but we weren't home free he told us to go home and that he'd be calling our parents soon we went home and every time the phone rang I knew my life as I knew it was over it was awful this went on for a few days until I realized he was never going to call that cop was smart his punishment was far worse than anything my parents would have done I had started selling mass amounts of ecstasy in Phoenix I'm talking about 8,000 pills every two weeks life was great was making more money than my parents made in a year in a week I used to like to go shooting and one day had bought about 4,000 rounds that were sitting in the bed of my truck while I was driving around and all of a sudden I'm being pulled over I instantly think it's just a nosy cop wondering why I have giant boxes of bullets in my bed then I notice it at not just one car I pull over and when an officer approaches my window the lanyard he had around his neck said drug enforcement agency that's when I knew I was [ __ ] double quote I got pulled over on a first date when I was young I had a suspended license in to warrant because of it I knew what was coming as soon as I saw him behind us lights came on I turned to the girl and said well I'm going to be arrested here if you'd like to continue this date at a later time take my wallet and come bail me out I figured I was after either way but I had to trust her so I handed her my wallet and waited for the inevitable sure enough she drove my car to the station paid the bail with my money and then waited in the front for hours while I sat in holding being processed of course she told the entire staff that this was our first date and that I was really nice and on and on needless to say the guards were ripping the hell out of me back in holding they immediately started calling me first date the topper of the evening with the intake guards printed her out a copy of my mug shot as a keepsake of our first date I took it in stride after five hours I was released and we went on our dates to a 24-hour diner and had a good time talking dated about a month or so longer then went our separate ways nice girl I still think fondly of her for being a good sport at a friend's summer house our parents went out for the evening so he convinces me that we should get drunk off this vodka bottle in the freezer so we mix it with pineapple juice splitting it almost 5:00 he spoke 50 in some tall glasses the night goes on and we end up finishing the whole bottle a 750 milliliter bottle and I drank a majority friend decides to get his dad's gin out we drink that a bit later the parents come home then I wake up in bed look to my side and see the wall and floor absolutely covered in vomit my friend turns to look at me and just just laws and says oh [ __ ] regardless to say my parents weren't particular proud of me last night my f king cat locked me out my house he jumps up at door handles a lot I'd popped out for a smoke and could hear him jumping up with a handle when I went to go back in I couldn't open the door he'd somehow turned the f king key just enough so that a spare key couldn't unlock it from outside I was absolutely mortified after several failed attempts to barge through I had to ring the police who came and battered the door down the neighbors must think I'm some sort of drug lord or something my first time being on a ship navigating in dense ice and toxic pack ice we got stuck and couldn't budge nearest port was two weeks sailing away nearest ship was maybe a week away after trying to nudge back and forth for three hours I started getting nervous I was not the navigator but a comms officer so only observing I went down to my cabin hold the survival suit out from behind my bunk put on a second layer of wool laid out my head torch seasickness meds snacks and spare glasses and tucked them in the waterproof bag and went up to the bridge then I cycled all the batteries on all the emergency radios and made sure there were plenty of fresh spares and I said the Pelican cases out on the bridge wing I then double-checked the charges for the backup power banks and did the routine tests on all comms gear as well as fired up the Inmarsat stations shortly after during dinner the wind had changed and the ice broke up so we could keep going that lesson taught me that I can keep a cool head in knowing that has helped me in a lot of other stressful situation I now work with organizing Sauer operations at sea close bracket I was a soldier in Iraq in 2003 walking back to my bunk after using the internet cafe some [ __ ] insurgent decided to start firing mortars at our base as soon as I heard the impacts I ran to an abandoned building and got really tiny in a corner from where I was I could see the mortars were being walked in the general direction where I was taking cover dude fired probably 6-7 mortars and each one got closer and closer to my position they must have run out of ammo or courage because the last impact hit about 100 meters from where I was my parents were really strict growing up and at 16 I not only wasn't allowed to get my license but I also couldn't ride with team driver Zakhar any of my friends so my bestie and I are at her house and we decide to go for a drive two minutes down the road to Brookes for some candies and [ __ ] no biggie it'll take five minutes no one will know were literally about to walk up to check out into my stepmother walks in queue I'm f ked almond so I freaked out and duck down between aisles as my stepmother spots my friend and starts to talk to her who is noticeably scared and lies saying I was still at her house I go to the car she checks out and my suspicious stepmom follows and gets in her car at this point I'm literally on the floor of the passenger's seat as my friend pulls away and up the road at night with no lights on as step mom follows clearly knowing something was up we didn't even make it home before stepmom is calling her parents open bracket [Music]

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Id: lnNj1jz3AYo

Length: 30min 44sec (1844 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 19 2019