What was you BEST "Comeback line" ever? r/AskReddit | Reddit Jar

what was your best comeback line that left the other person totally speechless we were in street Petersburg Russia waiting in line for pizza Hoth palace a group from France behind us were infiltrating the lines and trying to skip ahead I heard a lady behind me say in French let's go ahead of say Americans they won't understand double quote I speak French so I turned over my shoulder and said why don't you stay back the way you belong thing is my French is actually Canadian and the lady said oh they're Canadian forget it double quote not my quote but I was with a buddy of mine who was known to be sort of a loose cannon we're drinking at the bowling alley and there is a family next to us and the men are wearing turbans my friend is of Mexican descent and at this point he's had his fair share of beers he turns to look at one of the men wearing the turban and he says hey why do you wear that towel around your head double quote and without skipping a beat the other man shoots right back were they to wipe the wet off your back double quote I've never seen my friend look more stunned even drunk he knew that he had just been defeated we left shortly after this my mother your son is so much better behaved than you were as a child you were horrible me probably because my son has better parents double-quote my grandma EAL such a big baby me I'm not the one wearing diapers double-quote r.i.p grandma i'm at a female friends 50th birthday me you are an old lady now double quote huh please I have the pussy of a 12 year old double quote me well give it back you're wrinkling it double quote there was a moment of silence until the entire group screamed with laughter that lasted a full minute and a half my dad was joking with my little cousin who at the time was only eight dad Pat's his right bicep you see this this is thunder Pat's left bicep this is lightning you don't want to get caught in the storm cousin without missing a beat reaches up and Pat's my dad's head which was not a Seabee bald on top looks like some clouds are missing double-quote while shopping for houses a few weeks ago with my wife I mentioned I didn't like this house because it lacked a garage and out of frustration my wife snapped I don't know why you want a garage you suck at working on cars I instantly fired back with I don't know why you want the nice kitchen you suck at cooking both her and the real-estate agents were pretty quiet after that I had to cook every meal for two weeks so I feel like I lost the war I love that fucking woman if I wanted to kill myself I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ guy just went speechless and left double-quote edit just to be clear I actually did say this but not to someone I hate me and my friend were having an insult contest and I won with that one he actually did go speechless and walked away not angrily but out of shame that he lost had a friend whose girlfriend broke up with him at a party in front of many people who stood around gawking to really make it sting she told him he was terrible in bed without missing a beat he said just because all you ever want his anal doesn't make me bad in bed the look on her face is something I remember to this day this guy if my college job always had something to complain about every single time he came in friend was talking to his girl girl didn't want to hang out with him he hit someone else in traffic etc one day we were having a store meeting with everyone in it and it was early in the morning so I didn't feel like hearing it and I was particularly short with him we were standing in the group and he apparently had just told everyone the story of how he was going to be in low spirits today because his girlfriend broke up with him I came in a bit late to the circle and everyone is just kind of staring at their feet he was good at milking a crowd me what's up everybody him I just let everyone know that my girlfriend dumped me last night so I'll probably have to take it easy today it was about 10 p.m. and she called me yeah yeah life's tough all over you've prepped your excuse for laziness gotcha I meant what is the meeting about group just started laughing and he kept his mouth shut for the rest of the meeting sounds petty but I felt great and everyone was thrilled that he stopped milking it's for 20 minutes I was maybe ten - twelve and my brother was 11 - 13 years old this still remains my best comeback he said something about me being fat and wearing orange and looking like a pumpkin any yeah well you're a a tomahto him what's that supposed to mean any nobody knows if you're a fruit or not we were pretty sheltered kids yesterday I was at a local party and passed a group of about five while on the weight of the toilet one of the guys and the group said whoa you are fat which is true dee I just replied gerund you are ugly life is tough for us that sentence had him flabbergasted and the girls in the GUP lodging and while I gave myself a little jab it just felt so good to shut that guy up backstory drunk with friends way too many people in a hotel suite my friend had just learned that he had gotten the girl pregnant was being a result of the rest of my friends and I I alone had paid for the hotel suite drunk friend fuck you with an SIA I'm Way too drunk to be sleeping on the floor I'm taking your bed me but this is my room I paid for it pretty sure that gives me the right to sleep in my bed double-quote drunk friend just crash on a couch dick I'm sure one of them is to pull out double quote me yeah unlike you double quote boom edit my top-voted comment and it was something witty I said when I was drunk go figure yes I got the bed when no longer friends but that's a whole other story and he just walked away with his mouth open are you gonna fight me or are you gonna fuck me double quote this little wimpy shit was in my face doing the brother walls with me over something utterly stupid he had lost the game of pool we we're playing he threw down his cue marched up to me got right up in my face mouth breathing swearing trembling clenching his fists and essentially going full retard everyone in the bar had turned to watch this spectacle and I just stood my ground and quietly let him have his meltdown this went on for while I longer than it should have and it became very awkward when nothing else was going to happen breaking the tension I plainly stated are you gonna fight me or are you gonna fuck me the whole bar erupted in laughter and the kid turned to his friends looking for backup and they were laughing - he turned beet red and stormed out got back to playing pool and I had a nice warm feeling for the rest of the night thought of another one that I didn't say so I was walking through Spain in a smallish town it was a hot day and people we're wandering through the streets there were two English tourists stood on their balcony overhanging the streets they shouted to these to fit looking Spanish girls and started singing the Queen song we are the champions we are the champions double quote one of the hot girls turns and shouts no time for losers double quote it was a glorious moment not super proud of this bit of did shut the guy up I deservedly got punched in the nose in middle school for making fun of a kid and was ridiculed by other kids because I was crying after it happened for the next few years another kid always teased me about it he would always ask how my nose was and all I would ever mutter was a fuck you or something equivalent well in 10th grade his mother had passed away and he was gone for a few weeks to deal with it one of the days he came back I walked past him on the stairs and he asked his usual question hey new green how's your nerves I guess I finally had enough and snapped back at him with hey how's your mom he never talked to me again I feel terrible about it but he kind of had it coming TLDR dead mom I was at the bank cashing a check I had received from helping Tyler neighbor's house the neighbor liked to go to a lot of strip clubs and being from a small town the bank teller knew him and evidently that fact she looked at me smiled and asked if I wanted the check in once so that I could go out later insinuating for quenching a strip club without missing a beat I replied only if you'll be there she blushed and everyone laughed the teller handed me my money flustered and speechless my mum said that women could be seen as having more right to a child because they gave birth to it I told her that if I put money in a vending machine the coke that comes out belongs to me edit oh wow this blew up I didn't mention that this conversation was done in a very light-hearted manner and I meant no offense to anyone everyone in the conversation had a big laugh at this including my mum awkward seventh grader first day at new school with no friends jackass on playground what's the capital of China me Beijing job nope it's Bangkok gusta slapped my crotch I block his move slap him on the face me Bangkok is the capital of Thailand you jackass please don't touch my penis everyone around laughed hard so many friends my finest moment a fat girl in high school used to always give me a hard time I slimmed down one summer from a growth spurt and when she passed me in the hallway she smiled shouted in mock enthusiasm hey have you lost weight reflecting back her mock enthusiasm I smiled and shouted hey have you found it double quote she never spoke to me again planning to split a hotel with with my girlfriend and sister told my sister you know what the sock on the door means right she said yeah that you need alone time while I go shopping with your gf I responded well at least buy me socks she said I'll be sure to stop by the Baby Gap Bern back in the late 60s I had very long hair and wore the flowery stuff that was the fashion no onion in my belt though dot anyway I was dating this girl whose mom hated me after us naughty exchange I asked her what her problem with me was and she said I think you are effeminate I replied compared to you I guess I am double quote I ran into a friend at the market and asked her how her trip to Florence was she went on complaining about how she'd been overcharged for this cheated out of that etc I said it sounds like gonna balls travels a perfect stranger passing us at that moment said that wasn't very Swift dot maybe you had to have been there my aunt who is severely schizophrenic and kind of out there said this still makes me laugh my great-aunt was a big complainer and always had something wrong with her anyways my mom my aunt my great-aunt and I went to a nice dinner during the dinner of my great-aunt world and stop complaining about aches and pains etc out of nowhere my aunt says while Aunt Polly you about ready for us tea Oh take you to the glue factory still makes me chuckle no bullshit guy I know borrowed IDs from a friend for like two months and returned it with the top screen all smashed to pieces they got into an argument and the friend calmly said you know what fuck this fuck you and fuck your mother for good measure double quote then he found his mom on Facebook and took her out on a date random guy you know you'd be really hot if you didn't have such a weird personality double quote me I'm glad I have a weird personality because now I don't have to reject dalchi bags like you double quote I left him speechless in my tracks Santa Cruz 1994 I was arrested for carrying a bowie knife and dagger on my belt the cop was doing the intake medical questions heart disease asthma diabetes et Cie at the Santa Cruz County Jail run by the County Sheriff and I am pissing him off by replying to each question my personal medical history is none of your business dot until he asked any history of sexually transmitted diseases to which I replied dude I don't even know your wife the deputy witnessing the intake for the G lost IT laughing had there not been cameras and witnesses I think the cop would still be hitting me with a baton today charges were later dropped when I showed the left the law clearly states Dirks and daggers are illegal when carried concealed but that open carry is specifically legal pc-12 thousand and twenty old man didn't your dad tell you smoking is bad for you my friend didn't your dad tell you not to talk to strangers I think this was my best when I was about thirty mile for eteri and father said to me whether you're ten or thirty I will always be your father and that gives me the right to tell you what to do without skipping a beat I replied whether I'm ten or thirty I will always be your son and that gives me the right to tell you to fuck off for once he had no retort but his face got extra extra red high school sports team trip new coach looked like Gargamel from the Smurfs had inexplicably brought along a hot college cheerleader to room with him younger kids on the team were goofing off and the coach received complaints he came over to yell at all of us someone had called me over here and told me to take control of your little monsters double quote without missing a beat youngest team member casually says you need to control your little monster we all lost it eventually even the coach I accidentally said shit over a walkie-talkie at my work a random guy tries to be funny damn dude do you kiss your mum with of mouth so I say nah man I kiss yours double quote stranger you should stop smoking it's going to kill you early me my grandfather was a smoker you know he lived to 102 years do you know what his secret was stranger no what me he minded his own fucking business my dad once introduced me to some of his friends with this is my son he ain't worth a shit double quote I shrugged and responded with the apple doesn't fall far from the tree double quote everyone including my dad was laughing too hard after that for anything else to be said on Facebook like five days ago I saw heavy ginger girl poster status with all these creeps around I'm going out to buy a rape whistle and another random person commented that's very optimistic of you double quote me you have no idea what could she tastes like double quote 14-year old shit talking cousin it tastes like shit double quote me you licked the wrong hole dumbass double quote my fanatically religious right-wing crazy aren't vocalizing how we should kill all the inmates and save us a lot of time and taxpayers money me responding with aren't you pro-life double quote me at dinner table excuse me I need to use a bathroom double quote my brother what do you need some help or something me yeah the doctor says I shouldn't lift anything heavy working the day gigas of the wrister when a gaggle of kids and their parents came in from soccer game start taking their orders and I take the time to take each person's name for each Cup one of the dad said his daughter's name and said whaat I don't look like a Christian and I paused looked him over and replied oh that's right how are you Kristen haven't seen you since the surgery looking good ' the guy was a good sport about it though the other parents all laughed the daughter looked embarrassed as hell and I got a $5 tip ex-girlfriend and I were breaking up she had purchased the linen on the king-size bed she decided she was going to take all the bed stuff she bought so I saw this and helped her as it was hard for her to remove the mattress cover my parents helped me buy the mattress as she removed her side of the mattress cover bitches aww I'll just take my stuff off a bed mommy and daddy bought you double quote me too bad mommy and daddy won't buy you anything double quote bitches aww I don't want anything from your parents double quote me I was speaking of yours double quote she doesn't know who her father is and who her mother kicked her out of her house they haven't spoken for a year another game and a nuclear option your mother was right about you double quote my best friend in high school and his girlfriend got into a big all-out screaming match in the middle of their street they lived across the road from each other she insults him with something along the lines of yeah that's why you have a small dick he instantly replies with it's big enough to make you choke double quote one more I was arriving at a meeting for work it was about five minutes from starting and everyone else was already there there's this one doubt about named Robbie always had something to say about someone I had hurried through getting dressed earlier and chose a black silk tie that was a little older so it wasn't as dark as the rest of those who attended the black tie was part of the uniform and he said to me where did you dig that tie out of goodwill that's a total joke to which I sleepily replied in a monotone voice well your face is also a total joke but you don't see me finding the need to point that out in front of everyone - he was heinous ly ugly my tie was a bit ugly - but still he was pleasingly quired the rest of our meetings my sister was masturbating really loudly today with her boyfriend over Skype and I started to sing loudly to block out her moaning and she said not knowing I could hear her shut up you're so loud double quote my response her hammer on me you are the loud one double quote she awkwardly shut up and finished in silence I'm not gay but the rumor was going around that I was morbidly obese girl and her friend anorexic with the skin texture of a mushroom decide to sit at the table across from me yelling how much I like to take dick I very loudly stated that at least I can get some dick high fives were given and the rumor died my old boss when I worked as a welder on construction sites had a wild sense of humor one day over lunch with the guys he asked me what I was up to that weekend coming up I replied it's my birthday I'm probably going out with friends then he asked me how old I was going to be I replied thirty my boss being funny replied well it's all downhill from there and since he was at least twenty years older than I was I said well you ought to know you have been on that climactic roller coaster dropped for years he then said I am a roller coaster ride baby he was speechless and damn near fell over laughing when I said just because some woman puked on you during intercourse there does not designate you as a theme park ride this one is for you Pete my audio recording teacher is an old robot named NR Freiburg he loves joking around with his students Wow I wanted to come listen to what you are working on but Johnson 0:05 is so ugly I just want to go back from where I came from he's a 65 year old white man who is very adept at freestyle rapping one day I said something smart to him and he freestyled for at least two minutes on my song just absolutely decimating me as the song faded out I said not bad for someone who's going to be dead in 20 years he laughed at that for a full minute and then said not bad he always has a good comeback but I made him say not bad minor victory for me I got cat cold harassed by a car full of doo de bris while I was walking one day I saw them pull into a gas station half a block up the street walked up to their parked car and unleashed some serious wrath on them they were pretty mouthy from a moving car and pretty sheepish when they were parked nothing to save for themselves I didn't remember everything I said but my closing line was no girl wants to hear disgusting things like that especially queue the longest most disgusted most scathing slow up-and-down look of all time not from the likes of you then I marched triumphantly off into the sunset to an imaginary Orson Welles applauding in my head one time I was working in a building that had this angry pasty white I thought he might have been Alby no but he had colored eyes and a bunch top back like a hunchback sort of thing sounds like I'm making this up but I'm not so anyway he was getting all bent out of shape over something can't remember wat and he says don't make me angry you wouldn't like me when I'm angry I say I know how do you know he's totally taken aback by my response cuz I don't like anyone when they are angry double-quote it wasn't really a comeback but a good moment I was hanging out with a handful friends at one of their houses when one of the girls there were four there at a time had a wild idea for everyone to get in the kiddie pool and cool off it was a hot day huh we'll have to go to somewhere to get her garden house me I think we have all the homes we need right here I was doing a presentation in class using PowerPoint one of my friends who loves to make fun of people made a slit comment when one of my jokes fell flat and he just laughed at me and said fail I knew I had to say something back and remembering a lyric from a rap song I said in front of the class and teacher with a serious turn annal if you can take a dick you can take a joke double quote the class erupted it in laughter and my friend got red cheeks and tried to laugh it off as well pure bliss was that moment driving home after a movie with my brother we stopped at a red light and some teenage kids pull up next to me in a minivan and stop driving the engine I rolled down my window and sarcastically said nice car the kid driver responded with nice face typical stupid comeback to which I replied hey thanks your mom sure did enjoy it when she was sitting on it last night his friends laughed and he just yelled fuck you and then I drove off since the light changed I was in for six months status check out with the operations staff at work as soon as I sat down the chief looks at me and said we need to talk about your parking down of base now I Drive a large truck and the lot behind base is very small if I'm in a rush I make sure it's between the lines but that's about it I am also openly gay and responded with I park as straight as I am the entire staff broke out laughing chief didn't have a response fifth grade I was always getting bullied by this kid Elliot I was the loser nerd girl one ring below him on the ladder of losers so he'd always try to fight me when a teacher left the room this time we had escalated and would just shard me throwing a light desk at him he yelled you fight like a girl double quote I said oh yeah well so do you right before hurling the desk at him the whole class went over the burn and we inverted rungs on the loser social ladder once and for all I was at a wedding sitting at a large table where two young wives were holding court though were drilling the single men at the table including me wife and you what's wrong with you why aren't you married double quote I was smoking a cigar and I finished my path then I said me do me a favor and say that again double quote wife why aren't you married double quote me no do it exactly how you did it before lean across the table furrow your brow and points your finger at me double quote she laughed and did bit wife furrowed brow pointing why aren't you married double quote me exactly double quote my mom is a tiny but a fierce woman got I love her one time we had just arrived from a ballet I was six as we entered our apartment complex my mom ran over to the mailboxes and I waited for the elevator to Thug looking men walked in probably in their 20s my mom was thirty as I was standing by myself one of the guys says he got any money I replied as scared then he says wanna suck my dick I again reply no and run to my mom telling her what happened she comes back to the elevator with me looks at me as I'm looking at the guy who had just asked her six-year-old totally inappropriate questions looks back at him and says you've got any money double quote he replies no so she continues wanna suck my dick double quote Damon I was 12 years old but looked 16 - 18 because I developed very early and was well endowed it was Halloween and my mom was in one of her I'm super religious now moods which came and went every couple of years for no apparent reason so she decided we could only trick-or-treat at the mall as usual she remembered my two younger brothers and gotten costumes but forgot about me so my only options were to wear the costume she bought for her work party or miss out she and my aunt were going as a sexy angel armed and a sexy devil mum which I found ironic considering her sudden religious bent I chose to wear her costume which consisted of a tight red full bodysuit tear horns and pitchfork even though I was intensely uncomfortable after having been turned away from the Christian bookstore I was feeling pretty down I wasn't religious but went there all the time because there had pretty stickers and were across from the store my mom worked in at the mall as I made my way through the mall dad's kept giving me funny looks and moms were giving me dirty looks I just wanted some freaking candy and everyone was being a jerk suddenly these two college-age guys stopped right in front of me and one looks me up and down and loudly says nice huge-tits double-quote i was a quiet shy bookworm but this was the final straw I looked him up and down shook my head sadly and said aaww too bad small penis double quote his mouth fell open and his friend cracked up feeling like a badass I turned and walked the other direction right into my mother her face was red and her eyes were huge I thought hard so this is how I died and then she laughed so hard and long I thought she was going to pass out then she bought me an Orange Julius and we never spoke of it again TL DR the devil made me do it at a friend's house with some people hanging out when a buddy says to me you know you are the only one here without an iPhone laughing as he says it without any hesitation I respond with yeah kind of like how you are the only virgin here he stopped talking for a while after that I am probably too late on this thread for this to get noticed but it made me feel great one time at school this guy snuck a tampon out of my bag took it out of the wrapper put a pencil in the wrapper and put it back in my bag and kept the tampon himself I didn't discover it till I went to the bathroom and found a pencil instead of a tampon what was he planning like I wouldn't notice and I'd stick a pencil up my vagina my friend came into the bathroom and said he was planning on shooting the tampon at me when I came back out apparently he thought there was spring-loaded or something he was a dick and not very bright he told everyone he was gonna do it somehow he thought it was impressive I'm not sure why I walked back out of the bathroom I put my hand on his shoulder and said Chris Congrats on finally getting your period but if you need a tampon don't be embarrassed to ask your mom I'm sure she'd be happy to buy her little girl a box double-quote office diva who was always a snot to everyone especially about superficial shit like how they dress one day in July she comes up wearing this white leather skirt a camisole top with a see-through leopard print top over it and more gold and solemn inherit I having a chronic foot problem was wearing a pair of Van skate shoes that day as the box of the Vosges shoes helps when I have an issue with my joints she approaches and asks in a snotty way so do you have a skate competition directly after work double quote my reply you know that rule about whites after Labor Day yes with the confused look on her face as it is July same rule applies to animal prints and being over 40 she looked aghast at me and whispered in a defeated voice but I am NOT 40 I look at her and say Nasser prized voice really could not have called that one double quote not really comebacks but I thought they were great nonetheless him I don't eat things with a face me well your wife must be disappointed double quote and another boss I'm going to have to pull out as my wife will be having her baby then me well if you did that earlier you wouldn't be in this situation I'm particularly proud of the last one he went bright red and everyone around was speechless xbl a guy was being a real jerk kept asking me how big my boobs were and if I was touching them finally exploded and said you need to learn how to talk to women otherwise your mom will be the one who never loved you seconds later he dropped from the game super harsh but he asked for it I never seem to be able to get a trash talk complained I guess this was more of a joking pick-up line but a cute female bartender at a restaurant I used to frequent had it sir to that said I cannot be in love because I am loved I told her that if she was loved that must mean I could be in her personally I thought I was being corny and silly but she claims she had never heard that one before and laughed you blokes don't what pain is like try getting kicks into balls that's nothing compared to childbirth okay fine I get you pregnant and you kick me in the balls and we'll compare experiences dot double quote unfortunately it didn't lead to me getting laid I did enjoy the raucous laughter in her silence afterwards though this guy let's call him Mike was making fun of some guys acne when the guy walked by us me that was a real asshole thing to say Mike Mike you're the asshole I'm not a liar me if I wanted my own comeback I would have wiped it off your mom's chin I saw it on a reddit thread a month ago or so and it worked like a ducking charm he didn't say anything else after that my brother was driving perfectly I might add when a lady with her daughter drove up next at him rolled down her window and started yelling at him yaga yaga kids these days yada yada fucking hurry up yadda yadda learn how to drive asshole brother without missing a beat sticks his whole head out the window and yells shut up bitch I'll cut your daughter's tits of so rediculous so quick so vulgar lady put up the window and sped off there's no comeback anyone can muster after a comment like that I was the cocktail waitress and have always had a rather deep husky voice a table of five guys sat in my section me hi what can I get for you customer whoa listen to that voice did you used to be a man me no did you roars have laughter from his mates I saved it for months it was by pure chance to me and my friend were walking to get lunch and our soul we know decides to do what he does best be an asshole so after telling him to shut up and a few 7 stroke 10 comebacks he says derp ups my friends dick must be the size if a tic-tac I respond accordingly so that's why your mother's breath is always so fresh our soul tries to regain his dignity yeah it gets smaller every time I succeed row it must be gone by now no bullshit I saved this comeback for over three months to use it one day not funny just awful my grandmother came with my family on holiday one year when I was about 10 and spent pretty much the entire time moaning her face off and shouting at all the kids for running around and making noise on a beach ffs after I dared to answer her back she snapped you really are good for nothing to which I replied yeah well the only good thing about you is that when you die we get everything you own double quote she wouldn't speak to me for days afterwards even after my mother forced me to apologize Open bracket not mine but a friend went to the gas station to get gas and there were four total guys in the car gas station is busy and packed and kind of cramped but they really needed gas so they went anyway my friend gets out and pumps his gas and finishes everything up he's about to get back in the car when some Mexican guy runs his truck into my friends car it wasn't hard or anything but there was a little dent on the side and it was enough to be upset about no one wants to get their car hit so my friend walks over the other guy and he gets out - now it's obvious that the guy hit my friend's car but the Mexican dude is adamantly refusing that anything happened the guy can't speak English well but he was being a real dick and kept saying I didn't hit anything dot after five minutes of this interaction my friend gets pissed and doesn't want to waste any more time he's really pissed and the guy's being a huge asshole so he says fuck it and cocks back and nails the guy in the face knocking him doubt comma completely to the ground then looks at him and says I didn't hit anything either and then gets in his car and leaves now maybe the guy was speechless because he was unconscious but either way it was a badass one-liner wasn't mine but he'll never forget we were in sixth grade and there was this kid that was always the treble make Ritchie one day while rich he was making trouble in mr-s class mr f reached his breaking point Ritchie quit screwing around and being disruptive and just apply yourself you are going to be 40 years old still in the sixth grade dot Ritchie looked him dead in the eye and retorted you're 40 and still in the sixth grade double quote one day me and a fellow coworker were talking about World of Warcraft at work our boss who has a daughter that was pregnant who wasn't married to the baby dad who was very old fashioned made a comment of how US nerds never get laid I replied to him maybe you should have brought your daughter World of Warcraft then he never said anything about being a nerd again while I was washing the dishes that my sister was supposed to wash she comes up behind me and says II ww heel so skinny come on I'm five feet two with a small body frame I weigh about 115 I tell her to go away and she starts poking me aaww turd luggage I can see your spine you're a skeleton you're so skinny it's like terrifying well I say you're fat she instantly starts crying I never said sorry never will I was in New York City and I saw a vibrant gay guy in a taxi stopped at a stoplight in a bad part of town a black guy on the sidewalk immediately smelled nice sure faggot and the gay guy without missing a beat said thanks it's 100% cotton yo grandma made it for me not proud of it but as a kid five years old ish I was complaining about not getting something I wanted and my dad getting quite annoyed by this point accused me of being a spoiled child I replied well a child cannot spoil themselves so it is your own fault if I am making you angry now what a little prick this was a while ago I was getting McDonald's shortly after I woke up my sister and I ordered and got our food and went to the car to go back home but then she says he wanted fries I go back to what a fries and the lady gives me just fries no bag I asked for a bag when she just throws me a paper bag me being sleepy had trouble opening the bag then she says huh how old are you me 15 why huh you're 15 and you can't open a bag doc then I say me how old are you huh 27 me and you're working at a McDonald's then I left I was the sole guy on a business trip with some female co-workers they wanted to have lunch in a little teahouse and I didn't care so and we went the tea house provided frilly hats to wear during tea and of course they all insisted that I wear a pink one whatever it's all good right well the woman who owned the place ran it with her son who looked to be in his 20s and he gave me no end of grief about wearing it every time he came into the small dining room where a half dozen or so other people were also having lunch he made some comment about how I should take it off be more manly and so on his insistence finally started getting on my nerve so the next time he came in and made a comment about the Hat I piped up it could be worse I said the whole room silence to hear what I would say I could work in a teahouse with my mommy double-quote the whole room erupted even his mum laughed he laughed too but I could tell it had struck a chord he didn't really talk much the rest of the time we were there in truth I felt bad about it I actually had a lot of respect for him helping his mum out like that I just wanted him to stop bugging me about the heart not mine but a favorite my grandfather was very conservative and a supporter of Barry Goldwater we live in a said at dinner when my dad was roughly 13 his dad was telling the family about how we'll some Goldwater was how he'd be the next president and how minorities sucked basically my dad chimed in he has always been very political and liberal Goldwater is a hawk he'll never be President he just wants to start to war something along those lines apparently granddad was tired of dealing w-8 kids for that day and hauled off and hit my dad off of the stool he was sitting on through says he responded you can beat me up but you can't make me wrong turns out he was right TL DR just the quotes white bear my best friend was diagnosed with cancer a little while ago and when the doctors were explaining to him what going through chemo was going to be like he looked at me and said I'm gonna be puking all over your house me that's all right buddy he'll hold your hair bar . . at the hearing where my divorce was final my ex-wife cleaned up got the house the TV she took when she left that was mine the TV i bought to replace it half the money in savings and i had to pay spousal support for eight months and an exorbitant amount of child support the only thing I got was half the credit card debt 9 K and 8 of it was hers and had to pay for her dickbag attorney another 2k we walked out of the courtroom her slutty friend and bitch mom came for moral support she walks up all smug and says how do you like that her come to Ridgewood smiling too I replied they can take my house my TV and every penny I have but they can't make me love you instantly the smiles changed to drop jaws she looked at me like I kicked a cancer baby and before anyone could speak I said good day and walked off then I went home and cried walking down Main Street in Huntington Beach is slim fit jeans with my friend also wearing slim fit jeans when we pass a group of three larger bro guys all obviously using steroids wearing terrible hitman fight gear tap out famous stars and straps as we are passing them on the sidewalk one of them says nice pants faggots my buddy casually stops and with a straight face and no sign of anger says yeah you know I thought these we're great pants too that's why I took them after I fucked your sister last night the three bro guys stop look pissed for a minute and then the one who insulted as smiles and says I did not expect that at all good comeback then after a long pause they walked on and so did we strangest shit I had experienced the only thing you know about men's fashion is what's left on your bedroom floor every morning after they sneak out our sorority girl receptionist plotted into a conversation about clothes I was having with a girl at work who wants her boyfriend to dress more like I do and has all kinds of questions she eavesdropped walked up interrupted and told my friend that judging by the fact that I was wearing Sperrys in May and they are a summer shoe I knew nothing about men's fashion my friend in high school were her own shorts on sports day because she thought the school ones were too short and one day a sport teacher got so angry he yelled Natalie take those shorts off right now and she looked him square in the eye and go shouldn't you wine me and I'm me first sir she got suspended and it was great bit of a backstory here I worked with a guy who was a huge Mac enthusiast myself being a PC guy we'd occasionally have fun sessions ripping into each other company we worked for came out with a promotion for free installation of the PC version of a piece of software not the Mac version him why did they do that that's biased against Mac people me because Mac users suck in well truthfully you put the disk in on a Mac and it installs itself me if anything Mac users would need more help they'll put the disk in shiny side up because it's prettier him I got nothing I was in the middle of an oral history report on George Washington usually I don't give them in front of the class because I had a stutter but my speech therapist encouraged me to take a leap of faith so I told the teacher I could give it in class I accidentally called him Thomas Jefferson because I was so nervous and a rude girl in the back Snickers and hollers I knew your brain was messed up double quote I reply www lol least ehh have a B brain to end mess up double quote a few of my classmates actually stood up to give me a standing ovation at the end of my report thinking about it still makes me tear up and today I can mostly speak without stuttering but it does still come out when I'm startled or anxious close bracket a guy works with that blockbuster got his driver's license taken away after too many DUIs he was at the time 27 years old so after the license revoking he gets dropped off at work by his mother in an SUV he comes in and he's making fun of co-workers and being a pretentious douche and I have had enough about 20 minutes in I looked him in the eye after he called someone a loser and I said Dan didn't your mommy drop you off at work today was it your turn to bring orange slices to soccer practice a black customer heard me and went golly IIIi that was the end of his mockery of everyone for the day [Music]

Channel: Reddit Jar

Views: 1,249,146

Rating: 4.8292341 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, r/AskReddit, ask reddit, askreddit, updoot, toadfilms, sir reddit, reddit jar, askreddit funny, askreddit dumb, reddit ama, reddit ask me anything, r/askreddit, reddit stories, reddit story, askreddit scary, askreddit stupid, scary stories, askreddit new, top posts, reddit top posts, reddit cringe, askreddit top posts, subreddit, funny reddit, best reddit posts, askreddit stories, best of reddit, reddit best, funny askreddit, storytime with reddit, r/

Id: -new6t1QYXg

Length: 48min 58sec (2938 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 30 2019