When Someone Was Roasted So Hard His Entire Career Ended (r/AskReddit)

have you ever delivered a burn so good that even the person it was supposed to offend was impressed my sister was trying on really big and tacky high heels as a joke back in middle school mom take those shoes off you look like a cheap hooker sister yeah well it is take your kid to work day tomorrow it actually was take your kid to work day the next day but just the fact she didn't hesitate to call are more my hooker was great my mom didn't even get mad she just laughed five years ago my son was born my parents were visiting us when the doctor came in to check up on him before his circumcision she opened his diaper and said wow I have a lot to work with here being a wisecracker I said that sir editor II to which my dad chimed in yeah but it skips a generation well done that getting ready for baseball practice just hanging out stretching warming up my catching partner pipes up Tim Hale ever get laid recently me yeah man had a pretty great three-way with your sister and your mom Tim I don't have a sister Dumbo's me give it nine months the whole pitching staff laughs their asses off and he just shakes his head and much as you dumb [ __ ] me you have no idea I'm a big man six feet four inches in stocky I work in an office where there happens to be a few really short guys below five foot tall it so happens that one day on my way out for lunch three of the particularly shortest guys were standing in hallway talking one of them says the usual house of going big guy without missing a beat I replied looks like you guys are one hobbits short of a trip to Mordor got a lot of laughs from them and everyone around this happened so quickly that man averse knew who'd been burned but I just finished reading the idiot by Dostoevsky me isn't that the title of Frank's autobiography Frank yeah well I wrote my autobiography on my dick if you want to kneel down and read it me I'm not really into short fiction wasn't me but a friend of mine hold off the following a bunch of British guys including my friend are at a conference in Berlin and having a big night out of the bar they challenged some Germans to a beer chugging contest the Germans win and declare aha they have beaten you at your national pastime they are quite pleased with themselves that's all right my friend replies we already beat you twice at yours I will preface this by saying our house is almost all carpet with only a small area in the kitchen that is a hard floor therefore when our broom broke we have been just either vacuuming or wiping up things by hand in there mostly out of laziness to buy a new broom well my mother-in-law came by one day to watch the little ones and noticed we didn't have a broom so she decided she was going to buy us one the next time she comes over there is a new broom leaning against the wall next to the front door I see it as I'm going to the basement to look for something my mother-in-law is in our kitchen and my wife walks in and says to my mother-in-law why did you bring this broom and from the basement without missing a beat I hear her and I yell up that's how she got here she took it like a champ and she laughed harder than we did TLDR I called my cells mama which since she laughed we knew a guy who stuttered I'll call him John one day another friend was teasing someone who had slept with a girl who was considered a skank he said she's got more sdds and John reciting the alphabet that not only got a laugh out of everyone including John but also the guy who slept with a skank I was burned so bad that I was impressed my girlfriend and I were at a pretty busy sandwich shop and their subs came in sizes of four eight and twelve inches my girlfriend to the person taking our order how big is the 8-inch sub me chuckle it is a standard unit of measurement us what do you mean how big it is it cannot be any more clear gf sorry I'm used to being lied to about how big eight inches is and want to see it for myself five people in back and the roughly ten plus customers in the area ouch I was on a canoe trip with a bunch of people that I didn't know too well I just tried to paddle hard and be useful around camp anyways there was one guy there Brandon that just wouldn't stop talking he had a story for everything one night around the campfire there's an unusual spell of silence everyone is quietly sitting and enjoying the night and Brandon lets out a big loud sneeze everyone kind of stares at him jokingly asking if he's okay and I'm like Lee is allergic to silence everyone laughed and accepted me into their canoeing group I have a very large friend he was recently married at his bachelor party he was lying on his back on the floor while the stripper did her show at one point she was in the reverse cowgirl position gyrating and would bend low to really shake her ass he was trying get a good view of her shaking and was leaning his head up to see but couldn't since he was so large I said my god man if there has ever been a time in your life to do a sit-up it's now the whole room erupted in laughter including him the stripper laughed so hard she even high-fived me in mid dance I'm also quite a large man and this guy is a really good friend we often jibe each other about our weight but this was my best burn on him ever my three-year-old son and I were at a grocery store when this one woman walking with her husband decided she would be a [ __ ] I overheard her taking about how my son looks like a girl with long hair I responded by telling her to do her wig in better than maybe she could pass for one surprisingly the husband laughed 8th grade history class my mostly bald teacher was doing a presentation and asked the class what was missing from a map he had shown I blurted out your hairline he walked over using his hand he pulled my hair back to make me look bald on top and said this is what bleed black will look like at your 10-year class reunion everyone laughed and I was a little embarrassed fast forward 14 years 10 year class reunion there were quite a few middle school and high school teachers there giving little speeches and memories of our class mild eighth grade history teacher came to the MiG and said raise your hand if you were in my class with bleed black about 25 to 30 raise their hands anyone notice anything missing from mr. blacks hairline everyone died laughing including myself my half old self this is my all time best burn story and the best part is that it was my dad that delivered the punch here goes first some background my family is from South Carolina my dad was an anesthesiologist and we were on vacation in make we were walking through Times Square and got a few of those handout slash pamphlet things about the improv comedy clubs in the area we decided to try one out that was nearby while we had a few hours to kill before a show so we go over to this hole-in-the-wall comedy club and have a couple of drinks the room wasn't very big with a small stage at the front and maybe 10 to 12 tables were seating for 40 to 50 people there might have been 25 or so people on this night with a large group of sailors that I assume were on leave so this last comedian comes on to the stage and is really bombing nobody is really laughing and the guy is just resorting to worse material and calling out people in the audience to get some laughs my dad thought this was pretty funny so he's laughing the whole time and is literally the only person in the room laughing it was a little awkward but he has a funny sense of humor so we weren't surprised well it didn't take long for the comedian to notice he was the only one laughing and direct his attention at my dad he took a pause and let him laugh at his last joke and stopped to ask him what do you do for a living sir as my dad was trying to respond that he was in anesthesiologist he just got the first part of the word out and the comedian interrupted him and said wait what you're an [ __ ] and in probably his finest moment of witty repartee he snapped back and said no just like you I put people to sleep for a living the the room exploded and everybody was on their feet clapping and laughing the poor comedian just walked off the stage without saying another word it was a proud moment for my dad no doubt witnessed this one delivered to a friend of mine while we were drinking at a pub in Dublin we go up to the bar to order some drinks a group of us are visiting Ireland from the US during law school one of my friends says rather loudly we'll have some Irish car bombs - which an Irishman sitting next to us says without missing a beat and when you're done making those how about some 9 / 11 s my jaw dropped anyway story set up I'm a lesbian and was meeting my girlfriend's brother for the first time he says just so you know we are a very close family we share everything around here if you catch my drift I responded that's great because I've seen your wife and I'm ready for my shot even my girlfriend's dad cracked up at that back during a high school history class we were watching a show about Hitler's train guns and the guy behind me loudly compared them to his dick which I replied without skipping a beat you mean it's handled by hundreds of sweaty men he high-fived me and even the teacher laughed I was at a dinner party with a bunch of Ivy League students who I normally have no problem with but this group was really obnoxious one girl in particular would not stop humble bragging about her fashion sense and how she comes up with ideas that wind up becoming popular a month later so I said to her it's interesting you mentioned that because when I first met you I thought to myself you don't really look good now but you will in a few weeks everyone in the room lost it including the girl that in a party was more tolerable after that my friend dave was the notorious life of the party type of dude he was known for his blue sense of humor and inappropriate behavior I showed up sober to a large deck party and he was drunk doing his thing he had a chewed up dog toy he was using as a prop in his schtick I knew he'd eventually get away when it was my turn he went into some bit on how I left my boyfriend on the floor for the dog to play with I told him the last I saw that particular bone I was rogering his mom with it and that he should ask her I timed it well and about 20 people heard I think that was the only time I was ever funnier than Dave he died a couple of years ago I miss him alcohol addiction is a serious disease at one job I had a cow walker with whom I would trade yo mama jokes with one day he showed up late and I said Mike you think you can just show up two hours late what the hell man and he replied what can I say your mom makes a mean breakfast he won that round this happened in class while I was reading this thread teacher anyone helping with the Special Olympics tomorrow students I am teacher I said helping not participating followed by the class cheering rect background I'm half Mexican half Arab I don't really even consider this a burn I was trading insults with a co-worker one day really I was just swearing at him in Spanish he looked at me and said why don't you shut up take that towel off your head and wipe the water off your back all I could do will shake his hand and concede defeat when I was waiting tables I ran food to a cow Walker's table mind you this was at a standard family restaurant in the dollar sign 5-10 per plate range we had no Mitchell in Stars I took the food to the table and set it down one at a time starting with the hand that held only one plate as you do an eye roll came across the face of one of the men at the table this man's hair color changed abruptly from brown to reddish around about the equator of his head I thought nice a piece Powell to myself and then he said next time why don't you start with the lady and always serve from the left what kind of place is this to which I smiled and replied I'm sorry sir I hope you enjoy your meal just let your server know when you're ready to pay you've never heard such a wonderful speechlessness in your life his friends faces were absolutely priceless I had just said to him what I did used from their painfully stifled laughter what every person this man knows wish they could say never had I don't see my brother very often once a year when the two of us are in the same country we meet in a pub sink a few pints and rip the piss out of each other this happened one of those times we just exhausted our standard array of insults Mathur [ __ ] snow-blowing astronaut you work for the council and were knocking our pints back in unison I finished mine first and my eyes fell on the TV here bro where's that tenner you owe me I said you wot mugged my brother that 10 quid for the bet you just lost would chew on a bat he said turning to me and giving me a full-on Thames Estuary Lear at this point the two other blokes at the bar and the bar maid were looking on to see where this going I told you I said pointing at the current news item on the pub's TV that the Spice Girls would get back together before year ex-wife's legs would when I was 13 I used to constantly bicker and argue with this guy in my year him bullying me for all kinds of things and be frequently mentioning his weight as a retort one day before geography class he'd really got me good outside and I'd missed the first 10 minutes with a bloody nose in the class we were all chatting away even though the teacher was getting ratty I piped up sir what is for lunch today and he snapped back ask someone who cares I turned round quick as a flash and said James Watts for lunch everyone loved it he laughed the teacher laughed and it's sort of broke the ice we became friends and remain in sporadic contact

Channel: ToadFilms

Views: 1,286,098

Rating: 4.9360757 out of 5

Keywords: someone, roasted, burn, best burns, i'm about to end this man's whole career memes, impressed, impressive roasts, reddit, askreddit, askreddit funny, top posts, top posts of r/, r/, r/askreddit, reddit top posts, reddit cringe, comedy, reddit compilation, top posts of all time, askreddit question, askreddit top posts, ask reddit, askreddit reading, subreddit, reddit stories, best of r/askreddit, funny reddit, best reddit posts, best of reddit, Updoot Reddit, TZ Reddit

Id: SR6jFpWv9jc

Length: 14min 47sec (887 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 19 2019