A Comedy Special The Whole Family Can Enjoy. Landry

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What's going on, Provo party animals? Got the kids in the second row, that's always good at a comedy show. (audience laughing) It's like performing at Chuck E. Cheese. How old are you, man? - [Audience Member] 15. - 15. That's a tough year, isn't it? I can see why you need some comic relief. (audience laughing) Enjoy 15, kiddo, 'cause at 16, it's all downhill from there, huh? How about you, sir, how many fifteens are you? (audience laughing) Three? You need to lay off the crystal meth, alright? (audience laughing) Because of people like you, I can't buy Sudafed anymore. (audience laughing) You're not 45 sir, there's no way. There's no way. You have had a hard life. (audience laughing) You see, that's what happens when you don't eat your vegetables. You see that? You age like bananas. (audience laughing) Now, how old are you man? How old are you, sir? - Nah! Too old. - No seriously, come on. I'm gonna guess. - [Audience Member] 74. - I was gonna guess 75. You look great, sir. Good for you. (audience clapping) You made it. (audience clapping) Oh, it's a good age, 74. I wanna be 74 so badly. Wake up every day 4:30AM for no reason whatsoever. (audience laughing) Just waiting for the newspaper to be delivered. Watch a little History Channel, a little Price Is Right, pound back some prune juice. (audience laughing) You are living the life, sir. We're gonna party tonight, you and me, buddy! We are gonna whip and nay-nay 'til the sun comes up. ♪ Now watch me whip, ♪ now watch me nay-nay ♪ ♪ Now watch me whip, whip ♪ You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you sir? That's fine, I'll buy the shots, you bring the high blood pressure medication, all right? We're gon' get crazy in here tonight. It is good to be here, man. I'm down here from Canada, that's where I'm from. Thank you, thank you very much. Wow, that was a very American response. (audience laughing) Oh, you're from Canada? Yeah, we don't really care. I just ate at the Cracker Barrel for the first time, the other day. Yeah. Not 'cause I never wanted to, just cause I wasn't sure if I was allowed to. (audience laughing) I'ma let that simmer for the slow people, all right? 'Cause it's the Cracker Barrel, man. It's an interesting restaurant, I walk in the front door and I gotta fight my way through a yard sale. Is the Cracker Barrel moving? Looks like they're trying to get rid of all their trash. Just a bunch of random stuff. Just ice skates, wind chimes and Kenny Roger's albums. You can't even find that combination at the Goodwill, all right? (audience laughing) I sat down to order myself a country breakfast, man. Came with grits, you guys know about the grits? - [Audience] Yeah. - Oh man, it's my first time eating Hillbilly hummus. (audience laughing) I haven't had anything that tasty since my first grade paper mache class. (audience laughing) It was breakfast with a side of arts and crafts. If you let it sit, it turns into a concrete aggregate. Just take it home and regrout my kitchen backsplash. I had to wash it down with sweet tea, I do love me some sweet tea. That's a good drink, right there. Sweet tea? Oh! We don't have that in Canada. Try to explain to my friends, like it's kinda like iced tea, but then you add sugar 'til you can almost chew the drink. (audience laughing) It's a deliciousness of liquid diabetes. I'm never moving home, I'm dying in America, happy, with swollen ankles. (audience laughing) I don't live in Canada anymore, I live in Atlanta, Georgia now. That's where I live now. I moved there 'cause they had a Six Flags Amusement Park. That is the only research I did. (audience laughing) Nobody told me they built it right in the middle of the ghetto. The scariest ride is walking from the parking lot. (audience laughing) My brother joined me late. He's ike, "I didn't know Six Flags "had valet service." Like, they don't, you just got carjacked. It's a big difference growing up in Canada, we get snow every year. Man, you guys get snow, you can live in it, doesn't affect you, right? You can drive. I moved to Atlanta, Georgia. They get a half an inch of snow, people go into a state of panic. We got a one inch of snow a couple years ago, shut down the entire city. You know how funny that was to a Canadian? I watched people abandon their vehicles. (audience laughing) "We'll just buy a new one "when the snow melts." You realize gon' be 70 degrees tomorrow, right? "Can't hear you, "on my way to a grocery store "to pick up 15 loves of bread. "Gotta make sure I'm prepared "for this apocalypse. "Plus, tonight will be "a perfect night to get drunk "'cause my children are "trapped in school. (audience laughing) "Like a free babysitter, go dogs!" My brother actually just got caught in a DUI checkpoint recently, man. He texted me, what he wanted to send was, "Hey man, just got "pulled over by the cops, "they wanna test me for a DUI." But what he ended up sending was, "They wanna test me for an IUD." (audience laughing) And I don't think I've laughed that hard in three months, 'cause that is female birth control. I go, How do you feel? He goes, "I'm pretty confident." I was like, I'm pretty confident too. He's like, "I only had one beer." I was like, Bro, if they're gonna test you for an IUD, you might wanna have a couple more. I don't know what the procedure involves, but it sounds invasive. (audience laughing) That is a great laugh. That is the kinda laugh you don't wanna hear in the pitch black in middle of the night, you know what I mean? (audience laughing) When you're all tucked into bed, you're about to fall asleep. You hear, (laughing creepily) Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Chucky's here! Chucky is under the bed. (audience laughing) That's a great laugh. (audience laughing) It sounds like somebody's pulling your string. (laughing creepily) I like you, you're a great laugher, thank you for sitting upfront. My brother, actually, he's got the most kids in my family. He's Lavar, he's my best friend. He's 40 years old, he's been married four times. He's got four kids. We call him the "Impulse Shopper." (audience laughing) He's got one kid from every marriage, which is cool, but here's the kicker . . . Each of the wives was a different ethnicity. So, it looks less like he's had four failed relationships, and more like he's a philanthropist, who's adopted kids from four different continents. His family photo looks like an advertisement for Old Navy, it's awesome. (audience laughing) He's always harping on me 'cause I don't have any children. I'm the only one of the family that doesn't have kids. But here's the thing, It's not that I don't like children, all right? It's just that, I don't wanna give my kids the best years of my life. (audience laughing) I wanna give them what's left, you know what I mean? I wanna be so far past my prime, that if we play catch I'll probably blow out a hip. I wanna be a burden, if they're gonna get an inheritance, they're gonna earn it, all right? (audience laughing) See 15, you don't know anything about that, man. You're 15 years old, you wake up in the morning, you just spring outta bed, you don't assess your body or nothing. It's, "Good morning!" 74 can't do that. (audience laughing) That guy go to bed perfectly fine, wake up, torn ACL. (audience laughing) All because he had a dream that he was running. (audience cheering) (audience applauding) And here's the worst part, sir. You didn't even win the race. (audience laughing) Ah, it's the joys of getting older, man. That's one thing we all have in common, we're all are aging man. Men and women alike, man. Anybody celebrating a birthday, by chance, in here? Oh, we got one. That's cool. How you doing, sir? You doing all right? What's your name, my friend? - Ammon. - Ammon. (audience laughing) Ammon? (audience clapping) We're gonna call you Jim, all right? (audience laughing) It's a cool name. Amen. You're sure it's not Amen? (audience laughing) That would make more sense in this State. Was that too far? (audience laughing) You guys can't laugh, and then take the laugh back, all right? HAHAHA—Ohh! No you can't, no, no, no. It's like an email, you already mailed it, all right? This is fun, man. Thanks for coming out on your birthday, bro. It's a cool birthday, you get to hang out with some cool people, enjoy some laughs. It's a lot better than my last birthday. I went on a field trip to the gastroenterologist. Does anybody know what they do? I didn't. Here's the thing, they thought I had an ulcer, right? So in order for them to check that, they had to... (whistling) They put a camera, up a place. It's attached to 137 feet of fiber optic wiring and an air compressor. I don't wanna frighten anybody, they don't bring the equipment into the equation 'til the second appointment. They wanna take it slow, get to know you better. First appointment, just a regular office visit. You go in there, they ask you a bunch of questions, then the doctor throws a curve ball. He's like, "Yeah, I'm gonna need "a stool sample." You got, like, a to-go cup or something, doc? 'Cause, right now is not a good time for me. I don't feel as I could give you what you need, at this present moment. He's like, "No, I'll take the sample." I was like, you'll take the sample? But it's still inside! (audience laughing) He's like, "What I need you to do "is lay on the table, "face the wall, "pull your drawers down," while he snaps on a rubber glove, and he gets the sample, all right? And then he hands you a pamphlet after. I was like, I don't want your pamphlet, sir. You just penetrated me. (audience laughing) As far as I'm concerned, we're now in a relationship. I'll be back at 5:30, we're going to the Cracker Barrel, all right? But I couldn't go back at 5:30, 'cause you gotta spend the rest of the day prepping. Which means you can't eat any more solid food, you gotta take a laxative. I'm like, no problem, I've taken some Ex-Lax before, not a big deal. Oh, no. They give you a prescription to a laxative. You know you're in trouble when you go to the pharmacist, you like, hey man, can you fill that? Yeah. What flavor did you want your liquid exorcism to be? He comes back with like two and a half gallons of this stuff. You take it home, you pound it back, it tastes horrible. It's got, like, a weird consistency to it. And then you just wait. And don't be brave, don't try to make a quick trip to the Walmart, 'cause your schedule's been set. And it works different for everybody. I didn't think it was gonna work for me. Waited two hours, nothing happened. Three hours, nothing! So, I went to sleep. (audience laughing) Which in hindsight, probably wasn't the smartest of ideas. You ever been woken up by, (stomach growling noises) That's some scary stuff right there. (stomach growling sounds) It's the middle of the night, I'm tired, I'm trying to talk myself out of it, I was like, I'm just gonna lay here for a little longer. Pinched my butt cheeks together. We can do this in the morning. (stomach growling sounds) No, you're right, go do this right now. You jump up outta bed only to find out the structural integrity of your seal has been compromised. (audience laughing) You gotta waddle to the bathroom like a gingerbread man. (audience laughing) And that's where you set up base camp. And I hope you know a Sherpa, you're gonna be there for a while. I blacked out twice. The second time I woke up, I couldn't feel my legs. I thought I went so hard, I paralyzed myself. But I'd just been sitting there so long, that the circulation to my extremities was cut off. I couldn't feel my legs, so they fell asleep. I've never been happier to feel the excruciating pain of pins and needles, as I tap my feet back to consciousness. Basically what I'm trying to say is, Happy Birthday, Ammon. (audience clapping) Just took the long route that way. (audience cheering) That's it. You out here with your girlfriend, or wife? - [Audience Member] Wife. How you doing, Miss? How'd you meet her? - How did I meet her? - Yeah - I don't even know her. (audience laughing) - I'm gonna go back to the creepy old guy. (audience laughing) It's amazing what you do for somebody when you first meet them though, right? When you're in that wooing stage, like you'll do stuff you wouldn't typically do, to impress them. That's just human nature. Like, my ex-girlfriend was a vegetarian, when I met her, I stopped eating meat. And I'm not proud of that. I'm just saying, like, I know I did it for her 'cause as soon as she dumped me, I couldn't get to Wendy's fast enough. I was like, yeah, gimme five Baconater's. Trying to cover up this heartache with some angina. I didn't even eat them all, I just went home, got naked, rubbed the patties on my chest. Just waxing on and off like a heartbroken karate kid. She wanted to change me too man, she wanted me to cut off all my hair, because she no longer found long hair on guys attractive, which was weird to me, because she had really busted feet. And I'm not a feet person, but I never once tried to coerce her to go get work done on her foot hooves. I coulda easily have been like, Yo, let's go get you reshoed. Secretariat, let's go meet up with your buddies, Hidalgo and Seabiscuit. (horse neighing) Got some sugar cubes in it for ya. Come on, hi-ya! (audience laughing) This laugh is amazing. A lot of people ask me how I got into comedy. I think that's a fair question. My mom is my inspiration, my mom is a very funny woman. Very tough lady. When I was eight years old, I watched my mom kick off her boyfriend's leg. This is a factual story. For a short span of time, my mom dated a one legged Guatemalan man, named Mack, and Mack liked to drink. This particular day he had one too many beers, he put his hands on her, and she kicked off his leg. It was like FIFA soccer. Just Striker! And I watched his leg shoot across the kitchen, and as he fell, she yelled out, "Timber." (audience laughing) And my mom is not that clever, which leads me to believe she had been planning that for quite some time. (audience laughing) Which is hilarious, looking back at it. But at the time, that's very traumatizing to a kid, because I didn't know he had a prosthetic limb. (audience laughing) I thought she was a superhero, man. Captain Lumberjack, or something. I told my mom I was gonna tell that story on stage, she was like, "No problem, "just don't forget the part "where after I beat him up, "I threw his leg down "the basement steps." He had to crawl downstairs to walk back up, ain't that something? She wonders why I wet the bed 'til I was 11. I was terrified, man. I got a complaint on that joke recently man, you ever noticed that the people who seem to be the most offended typically have the least right to be? You ever noticed that? Everybody wants to be offended for somebody else nowadays. It's the world we live in. This lady came up to me, she's like, "You need to stop doing that joke, "it's offensive." I was like, well it's not meant to be offensive, it's a story from my childhood. Are you an amputee? And she said, "No." I go, Oh, do you know some amputees? She was like, "No." Do you at least re-paint handicap parking spots? Like, I don't know where your connection is to this material. And as I'm talking to her, this British guy comes out of the club and he sees me, he goes, "Oh, it's the comedian." He goes, "Mate, "you know the joke you did "about your mum and the leg?" I go, Yeah, I know the joke. He goes, "Bloody brilliant!" And he pulled up his pants, he had a metal prosthetic. He goes, "Mate, I laughed so hard, "I almost lost this." (audience laughing) And I just looked at the lady, it's like, I don't know what to tell you ma'am, I mean, if he is cool with it, then your argument doesn't really have a leg to stand on. (audience laughing) And then I walked away. I was in England for almost a whole month, man. I don't know if anybody's ever been to England before, but if you like the taste of food . . . don't go to England. It tastes like the weather, real dreary. I was like, how do you take over a quarter of the planet and not learn any recipes? You guys occupied India for hundreds of years, didn't bring back no spices? (audience laughing) Everything's gotta be made with two tablespoons of sadness and a dash of "I shoulda went to Italy." And I'm allowed to make fun of England, 'cause I'm from Canada. And that is our baby daddy, all right? (audience laughing) He helped make us but he wasn't around much growing up. (audience laughing) That flight back is no joke, though. That's eight hour flight for me. Eight hours, that's a long flight. I don't like really long flights, because I always get sick. I always get like a head cold. Some people attribute it to the recycled air, but I know it's because I'm not successful. I'm not sitting in first class with the healthy people. That's my theory, if you can afford those seats, you can afford vitamins. If you're spending that kinda money, you have something to live for. That's my theory. This is how I know the immune systems are better in first-class. On my last Delta flight, they were serving warm nuts as a snack in first class. Warm nuts. Warm nuts! You can't even say the word peanut in economy anymore, without somebody going into anaphylactic shock. And these fools are roasting chestnuts on an open fire? Just giggling with Pad Thai crumbs in their beard? Doing lines of almond dust. (audience laughing) While everybody with allergies still has to walk by them, and that walk is just long enough for your throat to close off, to remind you that mother nature is coming for you, all right? That's where I wanna sit. I wanna sit at the front, next to Wolverine. But I gotta sit at the back of the plane, with everybody who doesn't believe in vaccinations, and learned how to cough from a Rottweiler. You ever see one of these people? (loud coughing) Just human dandelion spores everywhere. (loud coughing) Is this your first day in the new body? You seem pretty taken back by a rather rudimentary bodily function. (audience laughing) They're always in the middle seat too. They're always in the middle seat. I always get the window, so now I gotta, like, push my face up against the wall, and every time they cough, I exhale. (dramatically exhaling) Just make like a force field of breath. (dramatically exhaling) I'm not buying what you're selling. (dramatically exhaling) You ever hear somebody cough from like down here? Sounds like grinding gears. And you're like, eh, I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure that's Ebola. Alright, I got an Ebola neighbor. And I gotta jump on the Gogo Inflight Wifi, so I can Google how long it takes for that disease to start working, 'cause I'm a hypochondriac and my elbow's itchy. (audience laughing) This guy sniffled the whole flight, man, sniffled eight hours. At one point, I was like, hey man, I got some tissue, you need some tissue? He's like, "No, I'm okay." (loud sniffling) He's got a snail trail from his index finger to his clavicle. By the time he left the flight, it looked like he was wearing an Adidas tracksuit. That guy, that's the reason measles is a thing again. That dude. You guys know that, measles? Apparently, we're bringing back the greatest hits. (audience laughing) What's next, leprosy? Look on the bright side, Jimmy, you didn't wanna take piano lessons anyways. (audience laughing) I don't feel as though you guys gave me what I deserved on that punch line. (audience laughing) You see, sir, when you get leprosy you lose the motor functions in your fingers. It's tough to play piano when you can't move your fingers. A piano is an instrument. I don't mind explaining these jokes, but you're slowing down my show, buddy. (audience laughing) You gotta come to all my shows. You're the greatest. I'm so tired of flying, man. You know what the problem is? You don't get to choose who you sit next to, that's the problem. I had one flight with a dude next to me thought I was a terrorist, man, and he was very vocal about it. I guess that's what I look like when I'm uncomfortable, sweaty and angry. This just screams Taliban right here. Just my Jihad eyebrows. And it's funny to me 'cause I'm from Canada, and I'm not saying there's not Canadian terrorists, but there's not, all right? Real tough getting your demands met with hockey sticks and maple syrup. This guy was a real jerk about it too, man, got on his phone, was like, "Yeah I'm on the plane, "I was doing well "'til they sat me next to "a bloody Arab." So then I got on my phone and I was like, (attempting to speak Arabic) Five minutes, boom! (audience laughing) Do you believe in Allah? (audience laughing) This is going to be a magnificent flight. I use my air miles, I bought my ticket for $9. It's a very good price for 72 virgins. It's like 12 cents a wife, you cannot beat that. That's how you say, hashtag loophole. And then I took off my shoe and held it to my chest. These are the Nike Air Infidels, just do it, Muhammed! I'm not allowed to fly in Delta anymore. You guys been a lot of fun, man, thanks so much, I appreciate you guys. Thank you guys. Thank you man, thank you. Appreciate you, thanks, guys. Thank you!

Info

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 237,565

Rating: undefined out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Landry, Landry Dry Bar Comedy, Landry Comedy, Landry Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Comedy Full Show, Thanksgiving, For The Family, Funny For Everyone, Family time, Canada, DUI, Colonoscopy, Funny, dbc, stand up

Id: j57MWJlN8aY

Channel Id: undefined

Length: 22min 25sec (1345 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 25 2021