I recently became a father. Thank you Became a father for the 4th time. Never as much applause on that part really no applause, right? Because after the 3rd kid
people stop congratulating you then they just treat you like you're Amish. "Four? Well that's one
way to live your life. Can you build us one of
those wood fireplaces?" Four kids Four kids If you wanna know what it's like to have a forth just imagine you're drowning and then someone
hands you a baby. The good news is we live
in a 2 bedroom apartment so, "I thought it through." I haven’t slept in seven years. I didn’t always look like
this, I am actually Puerto Rican. But the wear and tear of parenting, I used to have thick black hair. I was mucho guapo. no mas no more guapo. My wife had the baby at home we had all our babies at home,
just to make you feel uncomfortable. People don’t want to hear about home-birth they are like, "Oh,
you had your baby at home? Yeah, we where gonna do that
but we wanted our baby to live." People always assume there
was some laziness involved. "You, you didn’t want to go to the hospital?" It was far I didn’t feel like putting on pants. We had our baby at
home, not in a field. "At home, well why wouldn’t you have
it in that germ-invested building where sick people congregate? Didn’t your wife want to give birth
in a gown someone died in yesterday?" It's just the truth. Home birth is crazy, huh? It was all my wife's idea,
I don’t even like cooking at home you know? And it's wild you know? There was so much
screaming at one point I actually woke up. "What, did someone score a touchdown? Oh you having another baby? Can you keep it down,
I'm trying to get a tight 12 hours in." And I was my wife's birth coach which is a generous title
for standing there terrified. There was also a midwife there because we believe in Witchcraft. "A midwife, now how many
wife’s does this guy have? Sounds like Al-Qaeda." My wife did it,
she had 4 babies in our apartment she's an amazing woman. Really all woman are amazing and I mean that in
a very pandering way. But woman are really, a woman can grow a baby inside their body, and then somehow a woman can
deliver the baby through their body. And then by some miracle,
a woman can feed a baby with their body. And when you think of the
male contribution to life It's kind of embarrassing really. The guys are always like, "Yeah well I helped too! For like five seconds doing the one thing I
think about 24 hours a day. Well, enjoy your morning sickness. I'm gonna eat me some chilly smell those onions, hahaha you want some? I guess not, huh" Baby at home, Babies are a lot of work I try and pitch in, i do diapers. I mean I don’t change them but I
go, you got to do this diaper. No, we have three other kids too a seven year old,
a five year old and a two year old. I should probably learn their names. Trying to be a good dad,
I sat the older 3 down and I explained to
them that the new baby doesn't not mean I love them any less, but I will have to
let one of them go. So if anyone know's of a toddler rescue? Maybe we can get Sarah
McLachlan to do the commercial. "I will remember" I love that commercial. Even the dogs in that
commercial are like, "It’s a little heavy-handed Sarah. We are just dogs after all there's still kids starving
in Africa right, I mean." "I don’t like that joke at all. Why would he put that
joke in the special?" Four kids Bedtime is a crisis. That's why I'm here right now it's too hard. They act like they've
never been to sleep before. "Bed, what's that? Naw, I don’t want to do that." Then it becomes some hostage negotiation but in reverse. Look, if you stay in there I will give you
whatever you want. I will meet your demands what do you want,
a helicopter to Cuba? Anything! Just stay in there. There's always one awake like they are taking shifts. "Alright,
I'll annoy him from midnight to two who wants three to six? Now lets lie down and practice
kicking him in our sleep." Because my wife has instituted
this open door policy where if one of our kids
have a nightmare they are welcome to come in
our room and pee in our bed. Luckily that only happens every night. You ever slept next to
someone that's wet the bed? Delicious You're asleep right? So, when you wake up
your first thought is oh my god, I wet the bed! And then your next thought is Ah, it's not that wet. I'll just scoot over a little bit if I pretend to be asleep
maybe she'll deal with it. Oh, I didn’t even notice that. Hey, while you're up can
you make me a sandwich? Thanks honey. It is chaos at home. I feel like I'm living with
a bunch of drunk people everyone's wetting the beds, screaming. It's Jersey Shore folk. It's like Jersey Shore
with a lot more sunscreen. Imagine four miniature
versions of me but not as dark skinned as me that need sunscreen
or they will die. Don’t open the refrigerator,
you'll kill yourself! I'm raising Vampires, I'm not looking forward
to summer at all. Oh, we're going to
the beach next week? Alright, I’m gonna start putting
sunscreen on them now. This will take a day and a half. Four kids I never went outside. I didn’t know what a
long-sleeved sun-shirt was any long-sleeved sun-shirt,
let me rephrase this anyone else with low self esteem? "Swimming in a pool in
a long-sleeve sun-shirt." "Hey, what's up ladies?" Everyone looks at you like,
"did that guy fall in?"
