- I tell ya, I can't relax, you know? The other night I was in a place I felt like having a few drinks. I went over to the bartender. I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife. (audience laughing) I'll tell you the truth, my
wife and I, we never have sex. - No, no.
- We get undressed, we can't stop laughing, you know? (audience laughing) I got no sex life. 10 years ago my wife put me on hold. (audience laughing) My old man, he didn't
help at all, my old man. We used to play tag and he'd drive. (audience laughing) I mean, it's not easy being me. When I was born, the
doctor told my mother, "I did all I could, but
he pulled through anyway." (audience laughing) I mean, and nobody was nice. My mother never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend. (audience laughing) When I was born, after
the doctor cut the cord he hung himself.
(audience laughing) And I tell ya, I can't relax, you know? My dog drives me nuts. My dog, he wants me to mate him. I wouldn't mate him. Let him go through what I go through. (audience laughing) I mean, last week was
rough, are you kidding? Last week I looked up my family tree. Two dogs were using it.
(audience laughing) Well, I tell ya, my wife
isn't too smart, you know? One night she went out,
some guy stole the car. I said, "Did you see what he looked like?" She told me she got the
license plate number. (audience laughing) Oh, my wife. Oh, one night she told
me she felt romantic. I took her to a drive-in movie. I spent the whole night trying to find out what car she was in.
(audience laughing) This afternoon my wife
cracked up the car again. Was out driving and she told
me she had to make a U-turn, and I tell ya the letter she made, (audience laughing) you'll never find in the alphabet. Oh, he's a strange doctor.
- Strange guy. - Oh, you kidding? I asked if my heart was
strong enough for sex. He told me, "Not if I join in," you know? I tell ya my trouble,
I got the wrong doctor. You know my doctor. Dr. Vinnie Boombatz, know my doctor? What a doctor-
(audience applauding) What a doctor. Why, I called him last week. I told him, "Doc, I swallowed
a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few
drinks and get some rest. (audience laughing) - Life's not easy.
- Not easy. - Not easy.
- You can't doctors either. They're all mixed up, you kidding? - You really think so, huh? - My proctologist used
to be a photographer. - Yeah?
(audience laughing) - Yeah, he took X-rays. He told me to bend over and say, "Cheese." I mean, I don't get him at all. Low, low, Johnny, you kidding? I told my wife, "I want to die in bed." She said, "Again?"
(audience laughing) You know, I'm getting older. I'm not a kid anymore. I know I'm getting old. In Vegas I played a slot machine. Three prunes came up.
(audience laughing) I know I'm getting old. I'm at the age now, if I
hear someone goes both ways I figure it's number one
and number two, you know? (audience laughing) I tell ya, I don't get
a break with nothing. I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it. (audience laughing) Oh boy, the other night in Las Vegas, I tell ya, I don't know what I'm doing. I played dice, I lost 1,000 bucks. I got even though. I stole 400 Sweet'N Lows.
(audience laughing) This afternoon my wife started in again. Yeah, she keeps throwing
up when I work Las Vegas, I went broke playing the
slot machines, you know? I tell ya, Las Vegas, they got slot machines all
over, even in supermarkets. I went in to buy a container of milk. Cost me $238.
(audience laughing) My old man, he didn't help either. The time I was kidnapped they sent back a piece of my finger. He said he wanted more proof.
(audience laughing) Are you kidding? I know I'm ugly. I stuck my head out the window,
got arrested for mooning. (audience laughing) I know I'm ugly. I went to a freak show. They let me in for nothing.
(audience laughing) And I was an ugly kid, too. - [Audience Member] How ugly?
- How ugly? (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) I was so ugly my mother
breast fed me through a straw. And my wife can't do nothing right. She can't cook. The worst cook in the world. Gave my kid alphabet
soup, he spelled out help. (audience laughing) What a lousy cook. I mean, how can toast have bones? (audience laughing) She's a lousy cook, too. She can't cook at all. I leave dental floss in the kitchen. The roaches hang themselves.
(audience laughing) I live in New York on
the West Side, you know? Rough neighborhood, rough. I tell ya, I live in the only neighborhood when I plan my budget I
allow for hold-up money. (audience laughing) What a neighborhood. Well, the first day I
moved in I asked a cop. I said, "How long a walk to the subway?" He said, "I don't know, so
far no one ever made it." (audience laughing) No, it's a rough building,
a rough building. I tell ya, nothing but rough. Every night is robberies,
robberies, forget about it. Nothing but robberies in my
apartment building, you know? I mean, every time I close a
window I hit somebody's hands. I tell ya,
(audience applauding) I tell ya, folks, with
me nothing comes easy. You know, I can't lose any weight. When I tried jogging, I keep
running into restaurants. I was so fat when I got my shoe shined I had to take the guy's word for it. I mean, I was fat, I'll tell you that. Doctors say all kind of exercise is great. You burn up energy, you lose calories. - Right, sure. - Like doctor said, "When a
man makes love to a woman, he burns up energy, he
loses 150 calories." I made love to a girl
once and lost even more. I lost 150 calories, my
watch, and my wallet. (audience laughing) I mean, the last time I made love to my wife it was ridiculous. (audience laughing)
Nothing was happening. I looked at her, I said,
"What's the matter? Can't you think of anyone either?" (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) Are you kidding? I know my wife cheats on me. Every time I come home the parrot says, "Quick, out the window," you know? (audience laughing) My sex life is nothing. My wife cut me out to once a month. Cut me down to once a month. Oh, I'm lucky. Two guys I know she cut out completely. (audience laughing) My old man, he didn't help either. Kept taking me to the zoo. He said he was hoping my
real parents would claim me. And my kids, they don't help either. The other day I told my kid, I said, "Someday you'll have
children of your own." He said, "So will you."
(audience laughing) Real smart kid I got. The other day I told him
about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher. (audience laughing) I tell ya, I can't relax. My kid drives me nuts. The other day I told him,
I says, "You're young. You don't have it upstairs." He told me I'm old, I
don't have it downstairs. (audience laughing) And this girl was no bargain either. She was fat, whew.
- [Johnny] Fat, huh? - [Man] How fat?
- [Woman] How fat? (audience laughing)
- How fat? When she wears high heels
she strikes oil, okay? She's fat-
(audience laughing) She was fat.
- Fat, that's a big girl. - Ooh, remember how we met? I hit her with my car. She said, "Why didn't you go around me?" I told her I didn't
think I had enough gas. Fat.
- [Johnny] Big girl. - Well, I met her at the Macy's Parade. She was wearing ropes.
(audience laughing) I always wondered how
my wife got her license the first time she took the test. I found out the inspector said he wouldn't go through that again. (audience laughing) The last time my wife drove the car, she cracked it up, went into a tree. She told me it wasn't her fault. She blew the horn.
(audience laughing) I mean, are you kidding? Oh, my mother had morning
sickness after I was born. I don't know, it's not easy. I got no respect the day I was born. - [Johnny] Really?
- No respect. The doctor picked me up and smacked me. I found out the nurse, she
got a few in, too, you know? (audience laughing)
(Johnny laughing) Now with gambling, I'm never lucky. Well, last week at the track
they shot off the opening gun, they killed my horse.
(audience laughing) I mean, I'm getting old. I'm not a kid anymore. I know I'm getting old. In Vegas I played a slot machine. Three prunes came up.
(audience laughing) I mean, people look at me they figure I'm the type of guy I get drunk
and go to the track, right? And they're wrong. I get high first. Then I get drunk and go to the
track, you know what I mean? My old man, he didn't
look my looks either. He carried around a picture of the kid who came with the wallet. (audience laughing) I mean, are you kidding? My old man never liked me. When he took me hunting he gave me a three-minute head start. (audience laughing) And on the way home he
tied me to the fender, put the deer in the car. Oh, I'm not a kid. I'm getting older, Johnny. I'm getting old, are you kidding? I took a vacation, went to Mexico. I got the walks.
(audience laughing) Oh, are you kidding? My age, to me the daily double
is prune juice and an enema. (audience laughing) My last birthday cake, I
couldn't blow out the candles. The heat drove me back. I'm ugly, I'm telling you. My proctologist, he stuck
his finger in my mouth. (audience laughing) This girl was fat and ugly. Ooh, was she ugly.
- Ugly. - How ugly? I took her to the beach. They asked me what I used for bait. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) An ugly chick, you kidding? When I took her home, my mother
put newspapers on the floor. I mean, ugly. I gave her a hickey. I got fur in my mouth-
(audience laughing) She's, boy... Nah, I tell ya, my wife, with eating there's always problems. She's a strict vegetarian. In fact, when I met her she
was grazing on the front lawn. (audience laughing) I mean, she can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. I tell ya one thing, though. When I have sex with my
wife it's like magic. As soon as I get in bed, she disappears. But I tell ya one thing. When my wife does have sex she screams. Ooh, especially when I walk in on her. Ooh, forget about it, what do you do? Oh, the other night she
met me at the front door wearing a see-through negligee. The only trouble is, she was coming home. (audience laughing) I tell ya, I can't take it no more. This afternoon I said to
my little girl, I says, "When you grow up, what
do you want to be?" And she looked at my wife. She said, "Single."
(audience laughing) Well, the other day I called my house. My boy answered the phone. I said to him, "Let me talk to Mommy." I heard the kid say, "Mommy, it's Daddy. Are you home?"
(audience laughing) I don't get no respect from anyone. Well, last Christmas
my kid wanted a BB gun. I gave him a BB gun. He gave me a sweatshirt with
a bull's eye on the back. I tell ya, nice to hear your laughter. I tell ya, that really is nice 'cause where I live there's
no laughs, you know. I live in a bad neighborhood. Just last week a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn't a
real professional job. There was butter on it.
(audience laughing) But I tell ya, Dean, since I lived in this neighborhood
I was attacked only once. Just once, you know? But the strange thing, the guy who attacked me, he had class. Yeah, he used an electric razor. (audience laughing) You know, actually I blame myself. I was standing right next to an outlet. (audience laughing) Oh, this guy must be crazy,
he was really something. He took my watch, he took my wallet, and he took a little off the sides. (audience laughing) My wife, I got no sex life. The dog keeps watching me in the bedroom, wants to learn how to beg.
(audience laughing) I told him to watch my wife to learn how to roll over and play dead. (audience laughing) I tell ya, it's tough to stay married. And my wife, how do you think I feel? She'll kiss the dog on the lips and she won't drink from my glass. I tell ya, I'm sorry. I was a little late getting here tonight. You know, my dog, he
started trouble again. I mean, I got a dog, he
tries to run the whole house. Like the other night he started trouble. He went over to the front
door, he started to bark. I run over, I open the front door. The dog don't wanna go out. He wanted me to leave.
(audience laughing) I was talking to my doctor. You know my doctor, Dr. Vinnie Boombatz. You know my doctor?
(audience cheering) Well, he told me last week in his office he got six cases of VD. I mean, he's all right now, you know. And my doctor, he don't help either. He told me to run five
miles a day for two weeks. I called him up, I said, "Doc,
I'm 70 miles from my house." (audience laughing) I'll tell you about trouble,
I've got the wrong doctor. You know my doctor, Dr. Vinnie Boombatz. You know my doctor?
(audience applauding) What a doctor, are you kidding? What a doctor. I called him up, I told
him I have diarrhea. He put me on hold.
(audience laughing) Well, they say when
you're driving, you know, watch our for the other guy. I tell ya, when my wife is driving, you don't have to worry
about the other guy. I mean, she'll get 'em.
(audience laughing) When my wife took her
driver's test she was happy. She got 18 out of 20. Yeah, two guys jumped out of the way. I remember things when
I was a kid, you know. The time I asked my old
man where I came from. He told me I was brought by a crow. My old man, he didn't help either. The time I asked my old man, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
(audience laughing) I tell ya, when I was
a kid I was ugly, too. I told my old man, "You
never took me to the zoo." He said, "If they want you,
they'll come and get you." (audience laughing) One girl, she was so
fat she got on a scale a card came out said,
"one at a time," you know? But I'm talking about a fat
girl here, you know what I mean? - [Johnny] Big girl, big lady, big. - Big girl, are you kidding? She was standing alone. A cop told her to break it up, you know? Well, I tell ya, last week was a rough
week for me last week. I saw my kid and the milkman going to a father and son dinner. (audience laughing) I tell ya, my kid, he drives me nuts. He put Krazy Glue with my Preparation H. (audience laughing) I tell ya, what's more
important than looks is love. You gotta have love.
- Love is important. - And I got plenty of love
in me, Johnny, plenty. - That's the main thing, love.
- I love a lot of things. I love sports, I love
music, and one of my kids. (audience laughing) Well, I know I'm getting old. If I squeeze into a parking
place I'm sexually satisfied. Are you kidding?
(audience laughing) I'm not a kid anymore, I'm getting old. - [Johnny] Yeah.
- I know I'm getting old when my last birthday cake
looked like a prairie fire. (audience laughing)
(Johnny laughing) You know how it is, you know. I know I'm getting old. At my age, I want too
girls at once, you know. If I fall asleep, they
got each other to talk to. (audience laughing) And my wife, I got no sex life either. In my house, you put the
mirror over the dog's bed. (audience laughing) Are you kidding, I know I'm ugly. My dog found out we look alike. He killed himself.
(audience laughing) My wife, she can't cook either. My house, we pray after we eat. (audience laughing) What a lousy cook. I don't think meatloaf
should glow in the dark. (audience laughing) I mean, and she can't cook at all. My backyard, the flies chipped
in to fix the screen door. (audience laughing)
(audience applauding) And I was an ugly kid, too. I had plenty of pimples. One day I feel asleep in the library. I woke up, a blind man
was reading my face. Are you kidding? I know I'm ugly. Halloween I open the front
door, kids give me candy. (audience laughing) When I was a kid my old man,
he didn't help either you know. The time I asked my old man if I can go ice skating on a lake he told me to wait till it gets warmer. My neighborhood, there's
nothing but killings over there. I went out, I bought a waterbed. There was a guy at the bottom of it. (audience laughing) Oh, my neighborhood's rough,
forget it about it, will you. Why, in my neighborhood
they got signs all over. Drive fast, the life you
save may be your own. (audience laughing) And you know my doctor,
Dr. Vinnie Boombatz. Know my doctor?
(audience cheering) I gotta a, really, what a doctor. He's really mixed up. He grabbed my knee and told me to cough. He'd hit me in the balls with a hammer. (audience laughing) Oh, one time I saw him he
gave me sleeping pills. He told me to take 'em whenever I wake up. (audience laughing) Okay, and my problem is,
Johnny, I drink too much. Way too much.
- Yeah. - I gave my doctor a urine specimen. There was an olive in it.
(audience laughing) And my dog, too, she gives me trouble. - [Johnny] Your dog?
- Oh, yeah. I got a female dog, you know? I tried to mate her. She wants 50 biscuits.
(audience laughing) And I tell ya, I got a
dumb dog, too, my dog. We call him Egypt. Every room, he leaves a pyramid. (audience laughing) Smoking, that's another one. Try to stop smoking, that's a beauty, huh? Why with cigarettes, my wife and I, we made a deal, my wife and I. We only smoke after sex. I got the same pack now
since 1975, you know that? (audience laughing) What bothers me is my wife. She's up to three packs a day.
(audience laughing)
