An Escalator Can Never Break - Mitch Hedberg: Comedy Central Presents - Full Special

tonight from the palace in hollywood california comedy central presents mitch hedberg thank you hey welcome to my half hour special does anybody know who i am why did a bunch of people who don't know who i am show at my special i used to live here in los angeles on sierra bonita and i had an apartment and i had a neighbor and whenever he would knock on my wall i knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry because i liked loud music so when he knocked on the wall i'd mess with his head i'd say go around i cannot open the wall i don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side but over here there's nothing it's just flat i like an escalator man because the escalator can never break it can only become stairs all right there would there never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign only an escalator temporarily stares sorry for the convenience i rent a lot of cars you know because i go on the road i rent a car and when i drive a rental car i don't know what's going on with it right so a lot of times i drive like for 10 miles with the emergency brake on that doesn't say a lot for me but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake it's really not an emergency brake it's an emergency make the car smell funny lever you know you can't please all the people all the time and last night all those people were at my show to do this show i had to like take a physical they asked me a bunch of medical questions and they were like yes and no questions but they were very strangely worded like have you ever tried sugar or pcp but i'm a stand-up committee i got into comedy to do comedy which is weird i know but when you're in hollywood and you're a comedian everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy they say all right you're a stand-up comedian can you act can you write write us a script they want me to do things that's related to comedy but not comedy that's not fair it's as though if i was a cook and i worked my ass off to become a good cook i said all right you're a cook can you farm the show's going all right i guess i'm trying to feel it out i wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn't have one so i got a cake i went to a concert in new york city where i lived it was a heavy metal band called monster magnet they were heavy boy the singer had no shirt on and leather pants and he was playing like a flying v guitar and he stood on the monitor and he yells at the crowd he said how many of you people feel like human beings tonight and then he said how many of you people feel like animals and the thing is everyone cheered after the animal's part but i cheered after the human beings part because i did not know there was a second part to the question i said yes i do feel like a human i do not feel like a tree i don't have a girlfriend i just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that i got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent that's a bad place for an argument because then i tried to walk out and slam the flap how are you supposed to express your anger in this situation zipper it up really quick i like to drink before the show i have a couple drinks before i go on stage every time people applaud i'm always going no no no hold on but alcoholism is a disease but it's like the only disease that you can get yelled at for having provocative damn it otto you're an alcoholic damn it otto you have lupus one of those two doesn't sound right i want to be a race car passenger just a guy who bugs the driver say man can i turn on the radio you should slow down well we got to keep going in circles man you really like tide i play golf i'm not good at golf i never got good i never got a hole in one but i did hit a guy and that's way more satisfying you're supposed to yell four but i was too busy mumbling there ain't no way that's gonna hit him i bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut i don't need a receipt for a donut i'll just give you the money you give me the donut and the transaction we don't need to bring ink and paper into this i just cannot imagine a scenario where i'd have to prove that i bought a donut some skeptical friend don't even act like i didn't get that donut i got the documentation right here oh wait it's back home in the five under d for donut we all know what d is i like baked potatoes man i don't have a microwave oven it takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven sometimes i'll just throw one in there even if i don't want one by the time it's done who knows i throw a potato in and go on vacation my friend did this to me my friend came up to me and he said this he said hey you know what i like mashed potatoes it's like dude you got to give me time to guess if you're going to quiz me you must put a piles in there i had a box of ric ritz crackers and on the back of the box of rich crackers i had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the ritz so try it with turkey and cheese try it with peanut butter oh come on man they're crackers that's why i got them i like crackers now there ain't no suggestion put a ritz on top of ritz i didn't buy them because they're little edible plates sometimes i go to like a craft fair i see a i see a jar of jelly beans he said guess how many jelly beans are in the jar and you win a prize oh come on man let me just have some i'll tell you what you guess how many i want but you said a handful you are right i have two sisters and one of us named oneida and if you ask one if i was weird she'd probably say yeah but that's backwards because she's weird because she has like a husband and two children and they have a family photo on top of their vcr well they're all looking slightly to the left as though something is going on over there the camera is right in front of you but i guess something happened to the left that made everybody happy they said my sister is cross-eyed so she can't quite pull it off one eye is right on i was at a casino standing by the door and a security guard came over so you're gonna have to move you're blocking the fire exit as though if there was a fire i wasn't going to run if you're flammable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit i hate turkeys if you go to the grocery store and you stand in front of the lunch meat section for too long you start to get pissed off at turkeys you see like turkey ham turkey pastrami turkey bologna somebody needs to tell the turkeys man just be yourself i already like it little brother you do not need to emulate the other animals you got your own thing going i used to draw you you know if you had a couple fingers missing you would draw a screwed up turkey that turkey was in an accident i got a lot of bars when i went a lot of bars have black lights when a bar has black lights everybody looks very cool except for me because i was under the impression that the mustard stain came out i think pizza hut is a cockiest pizza chain on the planet because pizza hut will accept all competitors coupons that makes me wish i had my own pizza place mitch's pizzeria this week's coupon unlimited free pizza special note coupe are not good at any of the mitch's pizza locations free pizza oven with purchase our small coke two for tuesday buy one pizza get one franchise free whenever i walk people try to hand me out flyers and when someone tries to hand me out a flyer it's kind of like they're saying here you throw this away [Applause] i can't floss my teeth man i can't get into the flossing thing people smoke cigarettes they say man you don't know how hard it is to quit smoking yes i do it's as hard as it is to start flossing you seem jittery yeah i'm about to floss i like cinnamon rolls that's why i wish i made like a cinnamon roll incense because i don't always have time to make a pan perhaps i'd rather let a stick and then have my roommates wake up with false hopes i played in the death metal band people either loved us or they hated us or they thought we were okay a lot of death metal bands have intense names like rigor mortis or mortuary or obituary we weren't that intense we just went with injured later on we changed it to acapella as we were walking out of the pawn shop i suppose a guy's a kid i don't know a lot about guys look at him at the cigar store the man behind the concert what kinds of guys do you like uh it's a boys i was at a bar i was minding my own business no one was talking to me because i just did a show this guy bumped into which is cool but he didn't apologize he said move and i thought that was rude so i said go to hell then i started to run he caught up with me he had a mustache a goatee a pair of earrings a pair of sunglasses his arrows in a ponytail and he was wearing a hat he said hey you got a lot of nerve i said hey you got a lot of cranium accessories this is a smart crowd when i play the dumb crowds i have to say you got a lot of on your head acid was my favorite drug acid opened up my mind it expanded my mind [Applause] because of acid i now know that butter is way better than margarine i saw through the bowl when i was on acid i would see things like beams of light and i would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns when we were on asset we were going to the woods because when you're in the woods trip and there's less likely a chance he'd run into an authority figure but we ran into a bear that was even more of a buzz kill my friend duane was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forest fires we got him away from the bear he put his arm around my shoulder he said mitchell smokey is way more intense in person i went to england to tell jokes and i wanted to do my smoke at the bear joke in england so i had to ask the english people if they know smokey the bear was but they don't because in england smokey the bear is not the forest fire prevention representative they have smacky the frog it's a lot like a bear but it's a frog and i think that's a better system i think we should adopt it bears can be mean but frogs are always cool like never has there been a frog hopping toward me and i thought man i better play dead here comes that frog i've never said here comes that frog in a horrifying manner it's always like optimistic like hey here comes that frog all right maybe he will settle near me and i can pet him and put him in a mayonnaise jar with a stick and a leaf to recreate what he's used to i wear v-neck shirts always this is a v-neck i got on my neck so fragile man i can't wear a regular neck shirt it hurts and i especially hate turtlenecks like wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day like if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak trying to bring you down you know when you go to a restaurant on the weekends it gets busy so they start a waiting list they start calling out names they say like dufresne party two table ready for dufresne party of two and if no one answers they'll say the name again dufresne party a two but they have no one answers they'll just go right on to their next name bush party of three yeah but what happened to the dufresnes no one seems to care who can eat at a time like this people are missing you people are selfish the frames are in someone's trunk right now with duct tape over their mouth and they're hungry that's a double whammy we need help bush search party of three you can eat once you find the dufresnes i think pringle's initial intention was to make tennis balls but on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up a big truckload of potatoes arrived and pringles is a laid-back company they said it cut them out i wrote a script and i gave it to a guy who reads scripts and he read it and he said he really likes it but he thinks i need to rewrite it i said that i'll just make a copy i love you guys thanks for coming to my special [Music] you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 1,387,819

Keywords: Mitch Hedberg, comedy central presents, Mitch Hedberg comedy central presents, Mitch Hedberg comedy central, Mitch Hedberg comedian, Mitch Hedberg stand up, stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, funny, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up, full special, full stand-up specials, stand-up, escalators, fire exits, frogs, mitch hedberg full special

Id: vrIw2i4WtA4

Length: 20min 57sec (1257 seconds)

Published: Wed Aug 17 2022

Reddit Comments

[u/Salty_tryhard]

-I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread

-Well, so do I!

-Then lets form a club

[u/Negative_Gravitas]

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

[u/LukeSniper]

The uncut version of this from the bonus DVD of his Mitch All-Together album is far superior.

After he does the 20 minutes he planned for the special, he just starts doing a bunch of his other material, commentating that "At first it felt like you guys were like 'what the fuck is up with this guy?' but now you're feelin' me. Can I just remake the special?"

As he keeps going, some of his old material kills and he responds "My old shit works better than my new shit! I am out of ideas!"

A short while later he just yells "FUCK IT! I'm just going to do every joke I have. YOU MAKE THE SPECIAL!"

The 20 minutes that aired pulls bits from throughout the 45+ minutes he actually did that night, and it all works because his jokes are largely non-sequiters. But the way the crowd gradually warms up to his style over the course of the full show (recorded when he was largely unknown) is wonderful, and really showcases how great Mitch was at what he did.

Side story: my friend and I had tickets to what ended up being his last show ever. But we had both seen him before, so we traded our two tickets to that show for four tickets to see Todd Barry that same night and took my sister and her friend. That was a great show, but in retrospect it would have been amazing to catch Mitch's last gig, because he's my favorite of all time.

[u/GoAwayLurkin]

We may never know what became of the Dufresne family.

[u/QuintoxPlentox]

This video is the full unedited show, twice the length and the crowd is a lot tougher then they've been edited to sound like. It's a cropped video, probably to avoid algorithms, but still worth a watch if you're a fan of Mitch.

[u/CrazyCanuckUncleBuck]

"Tennis is depressing, because no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, they're fucking relentless".

Mitch can still make me giggle

[u/Bub697]

I saw Mitch in 2001 when he came to my college, and I got to talk to him after the show. When he was leaving he said “thanks for coming out, I’ll see you later”. He turned and walked a few steps towards the door, then he turned back around and said “Actually, I’ll probably never see you again”.

He was right.

[u/Cthulhu2016]

I like rice, rice is great! it's great when you're hungry and you want 2000 of something.

[u/tamarockstar]

"I played in a death metal band. People either loved us or they hated us. Or they just thought we were okay."

Classic Hedberg joke