(crowd clapping and cheering) - What a crowd, what a crowd. Thank you very much. I tell ya, I'm all right now. But last week I was a
rough shake, ya know. I mean last week I bought
a whirlpool for my bath so far I lost three of my best ships. (audience laughs) Are you kiddin', last
week nothin' went right. I bought a waterbed, there were two Cuban guys swimmin' in it lookin' for Florida. (audience laughs) I tell ya people are nuts ya know. My dentist too, another beauty. My dentist, he found a
way to hide his bad breath he holds up his arms. (audience laughs) I tell ya all I meet is wise guys. I checked into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He started to feel up my wife. (audience laughs) I said to him, I said hey buddy who told
you you could play around with my wife? He said everybody. (audience laughs) I tell ya, my wife I
can never relax ya know. I told her our kid is spoiled. She told me a lot of kids smell that way. (audience laughs) She's a lousy cook too. She can't cook at all. I leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves. ( audience laughs) My wife she don't go for me either and I'm not a good lookin' guy. Halloween I open the front door, kids give me candy. (audience laughs) Are you kiddin', I know I'm ugly. My dog found out we look
alike, he killed himself. (audience laughs) I was an ugly kid too. My old man took me to the zoo. The old guy at the gate
thanked him for returning me. (audience laughs) I was a very ugly kid. Every time my old man wanted sex, my mother showed him my picture. (audience laughs) I was a very ugly kid. In my sandbox, the cat kept covering me
up all the time ya know. (audience laughs) When I was a kid nobody was nice. I was six years old I found out there's no such thing as Alpo baby food. (audience laughs) I mean nobody was nice. My mother never breast fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend. (audience laughs) I mean I had it rough. I told my old man I'm sick and tired of running around in circles. He got mad. He nailed down my other foot. (audience laughs) I mean that's the story of my life. No respect. I don't get no respect
at all are you kiddin'? It's not easy, it's not
easy are you kiddin'. No respect at all. When I was born the doctor told my mother I did all I could but he
pulled through anyway ya know. (audience laughs) I don't get no respect from anyone. Well last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids be
quiet you'll wake up daddy. (audience laughs) A little bit of Hollywood. That's my spot. Okay I'll see ya now. The music, the music it's beautiful.` (tonight show theme music) (audience cheering) Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Hey I'll do a few more minutes. - Yeah. (audience cheering) - How you doing? Oh this way. - Good to see you whatever. - How ya doing? All right? - I'm doing fine. - Good, good, good. - Haven't seen you for a while. - I've been around. - Yeah.
- Yeah. - I've been keepin' busy. Been
running around a little bit. I'll be back in New
York tomorrow at my club for Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. And I'll be in the Riviera
Hotel July 31st for a week. I'm going out to Green Bay, Wisconsin. The Carlton West, I'll be over there. And uh, Wisconsin. It's nice out there ya know. Ya got Nebraska's nice. Midwest is nice ya know. - You like the midwest, huh? - Yeah wish I came from
midwest sometimes ya know. I'd live in a nice small
adjusted towns ya know. With a wooden frame house, with a screen door in back of the kitchen. My brother and sister
were Maryanne and Biff. (audience laughs) (Johnny laughs) - Dad was vice president of the bank worked there for 30 years. Very adjusted man dad. Never smokes, drinks, or gambles ya know. Then you read about these guys. One day they pick up an ax
and wipe out the whole family. (audience laughs) Next thing the cops come around what happened here,
what kind of man was he? He was a quiet man. But I've been bouncing around a lot been pluggin' my album. I've got a new album out No Respect - That's your album is it? - It's going real good. It's in the charts, a
bullet whatever that means. And did you hold up the backside too? You show 'em the back. Yeah that's a cute little thing there. - Now you understand about no respect. - You see that. (audience laughs) - I get no respect here
in California either I tell ya that. - Really? - Yeah, I got stuck the other day. I wanted to go sightseeing. They took me on a tour of
all the extras' houses. (audience laughs) But that's on definitely isn't it. - Oh yeah definitely. (audience laughs) - No but I've been running
around and gaining weight back Johnny, you know what I mean. - Really? - Oh you don't eat properly on the road. You're running around all the time. And it's tough to lose weight
when you're all jumpin' around a bit ya know. But I was much heavier, I was fat. Are you kidding. I was so fat when I got my shoes shined I had to take the guy's word for it. I was fat, I'll tell ya that. (audience laughs) I've been out with some fat girls too. One girl she was so fat
she got on the scale and a card came out and
said one at at time ya know. (audience laughs) She was fat. - That is a big girl. - I remember how we met.
I hit here with my car. She said to me, why
didn't ya go around me. I told her I didn't
think I had enough gas. (audience laughs) She was a wild girl I tell ya. Ooh a very wild girl. You kiddin'. She made me French toast, her tongue got caught in the toaster. She was a wild girl. (audience laughs) No but I tell ya too
skinny is no good either. No good to be too skinny. A guy died on my block last week. Was he skinny, ooh. - Skinny, yeah? - He was so skinny the
funeral had one pall bearer, a waiter. (audience laughs) No but skinny is better than fat. I'll tell ya that. Better for your health. That's what's important your health. Oh are you kiddin'. I'm not a kid anymore,
I'm getting' old now. And I know I'm gettin' old. I'm at the age now if I
hear someone goes both ways, I figure it's number one
and number two ya know. (audience laughs) Take care of my health. I tell ya in fact I saw
my doctor last week. Doctor Vinnie Boombatz. - Vinnie Boombatz - I saw him last week. Had a little check up. I asked him if my heart was
strong enough for sex ya know, he told me not if I join in. (audience laughs) I tell ya Johnny it's tough to be funny when you're coming off drugs. I'll tell ya. (audience cheers) Tough, I'll tell ya, tough Johnny. I tell you though Johnny the
first time I tried Marijuana, I had a wonderful experience. I actually had a wonderful
sexual experience. - Really? - I wish there had been someone
there to enjoy it with me. That's all ya know. (audience laughs) No I was a kid Johnny. You do crazy things when
you're a kid ya know. I was a very green kid too. Very green kid. Remember the first time
I had sex with a girl I was so confused I
didn't know what to do. I dialed 555-1212. (audience laughs) I wish I was gay, I'd
make it with Steve Martin. (audience laughs) Actually he's my second choice. (audience laughs) No offense. - All right. - And uh, so quiet I feel
like EF Hutton just spoke. (audience laughs) Have a cigarette, okay? You don't mind do ya? - You should give that up. - I got a crazy doctor
told me to keep smoking if I wanna stop chewing gum. So what the heck. (audience laughs) How long do you expect to be in Shanghai? (audience laughs) - You wanna talk about your movie? - Oh yeah, the movie come out. It was a big movie, big movie. It's a 843 pages. No it's a movie called Caddyshack. Fellas wrote Animal House wrote it. It opens Friday around the whole country and it's doing real
good, everyone likes it. - I hear you're very funny in it. - Yeah it came out real good. It was a good part. And I played a part of
a nouveau ignacioramous who invades nice sensitive country club and I don't belong in that country club and Ted Knight is, he and I don't get a long at
all in the movie you know. It was a good movie. Chevy Chase is in it and Bill Murray, and a lot of nice people. Actually it's a low budget movie. Went to location by subway. (audience laughs) - We have a film clip. - Oh yeah we have a film clip too. - I just said that. - Hey I'm in the movies. - Can we take a look at it? - Okay we'll see what happens. This is the opening
where I make my entrance. In this movie in the country club. - This is from Caddyshack. - Caddyshack. (bugle horn) - Hey kid, park my car. Get my bags, and put on some weight will ya? Hey Wang what's with the pictures? It's the parking lot come on will ya. I think this place is restricted Wang so don't tell 'em you're Jewish. Okay? Fine. Hey kid I'm Al Czervik I'm playing with Drew Scott today. This is my guest Mr. Wang, no offense. Oh give me a half dozen
of those Vulcan D10s and set my friend up here
with the whole smear. Ya know, clubs, bags,
shoes, gloves, shirt, pants. Don't make the pants too tight you'll hurt his fortune cookie. Oh by the way, want one of those things that
tell you how far you are? - Mr. Czervik sorry I didn't see you sir. - Oh how are ya sure, hey orange balls. I'll have a box of those. Give me a box of those naked lady tees and give me two of those, give me six of those. Hey I'll buy out the joint
Wang stop me will ya. Oh this is the worst
lookin' hat I ever saw. You buy a hat like this, I bet you get a free bowl of soup huh. Oh it looks good on you though. (laughter) (audience claps) - Personal foul. - Thank you very much. The movie is longer than that really. - Right. Is this your first picture? - No I made a movie years
ago called The Projectionist and it never got out of
the projection booth. - I remember that picture now. - It's around, you remember that? - Yeah. - You're the one who saw it. - It did not do well in the box office. - It was big in Paris believe it or not. With French titles. That was the end of that movie I guess. It's around still I guess. - You gonna make some more pictures? - Well I've had numerous offers. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I like live entertainment. Ya know what I mean. Movies are a director's
medium really, you know. But I was brought up in clubs ya know like Dominics Black and Blue Room, Theresa's Fun House, Where you have to really go at it live. Carmine's Cave all those
nice places you know. Where you would get an immediate feedback. - Reggie's Ravioli Room? All of those - Reggie's Ravioli Room. Hey you do these things pretty good. You're all right ya know. - Let me do this. We'll be right back with Arnold Dvoracek
That tie still isn't loosened. After all those tries
The GOAT
Such a big fan
Still miss him, doesn't get much better
If cocaine decided to go legit and start doing standup.