- Ladies and gentlemen,
Rodney Dangerfield. (cheers and applause) - Thank you so much. (softly laughing) - Rodney, tell me, is it the truth, don't you really get any respect? - Jackie, I don't get no respect at all. - No? - I mean, I remember when I was a kid we played hide 'n' seek. Well, they wouldn't even look for me. (loudly laughing) I tell you it's the same thing
with my friends, no respect. - No? - Well, my friends tell me
when I call 'em on the phone, I should use a certain signal. Let it ring twice, hang
up, and don't call back. (loudly laughing) I tell you, though, Jackie,
I respect you, you know. You look great. I mean, you look thin. - Well, it's really no
problem to look thin. - Really, no problem at all? Well, tell me, how do you look thin? - Just hang around real
fat people, that's all. (loudly laughing)
(applause) - He really looks great, you know. But, I'll tell ya, to me, there's something more
important than looks, you know? To me it's underneath
what counts, soul, depth. That's what's important, not looks. I mean, how many times you
take a walk in the street, you see a tall handsome man, walking arm-in-arm with
a short, fat, ugly girl? I never saw that, did you ever see that? I never saw it, you know?
(loudly laughing) I thought I saw that. I mean, looks, don't mean nothin'. I got a niece, an ugly
girl, she got married, she's happy now, she married an ugly guy. And today they got two very ugly kids. (loudly laughing) In fact they're all so ugly, in their family album, they
only keep the negatives. (loudly laughing) And I tell ya, there's
always problems, you know? I mean I just broke up
with my psychiatrist. (loudly laughing) Yeah, this afternoon for
the first time I told 'em, I got suicidal tendencies. He told me from now on I
have to pay in advance. (loudly laughing) I'll tell ya, with me, I just
can't get a break, you know? I mean, I flew down here
from New York to do the show, I never get lucky like the seat next me, a pretty girl or something,
I always get a loser. An old man sat next to me, must have been in his 80s, you know. We had dinner together on the plane. I mean, this guy was old. I asked him to pass me
the salt and pepper, he had to make two trips. (loudly laughing) and I tell ya the whole
flight I was nervous. I mean, I got nervous as soon as the pilot made his first announcement. He asked if the Miami airport was open late on Thursday night. (loudly laughing) I don't know, there's
always something, ya know? Sometimes I turn to my wife
for some understanding. But she's a cold person,
she was always cold. I remember the first time
I kissed her I felt guilty. (loudly laughing) Yeah, 'cause I wanted to open my eyes. And I know when you kiss you're not supposed to open your eyes. I said to myself, go ahead, don't feel guilty, open
your eyes, ya know? So I opened my eyes. She was staring at me. (loudly laughing) I'll tell ya with me, I get
in trouble with little things. Like the last time I got a haircut, my wife told me it was terrible. I said to her, "Why is
my haircut terrible?" She said, "Why? "Because it looks like you got a haircut." Yeah, she says when you get a haircut, it's not supposed to look
like you got a haircut. She said, "Harry got a haircut, "no one even knew that
Harry got a haircut." I said, "Then, how do you
know Harry got a haircut?" (loudly laughing) So now I got a new problem, next week I'm due to get a haircut and I don't want it to
look like I got a haircut. So what I'm doing now is
I'm trying to find a barber who don't look like he's a barber. (loudly laughing) (applause)
I tell ya. I tell ya, with my wife there's
always somethin', ya know? Like the other day, the
other day she told me she gave me the best years of her life. What worries me now is,
I mean what's comin' up? (loudly laughing) (applause) You know, They say behind every
successful man is a woman. Take a good look at me, will you? (loudly laughing) I mean, can you picture
what I got behind me? (loudly laughing) I mean, even my own house
I don't get no respect. I mean sometimes I
wanna take a few drinks, you know, my wife, she hides the bottle. I admit I'm a bad drinker. I'm not nasty or nothin'. But I'll tell ya when I drink, the next day I gotta do two things. I gotta try to locate my car, (laughing) and I gotta bring back the car I took, I'm a bad drinker.
(loudly laughing) (applause) Thank you. It's nice here though, you know, Jackie Gleason Show, they treat ya right. Miami Beach, palm trees,
everything, it's so nice, you know. So different than my neighborhood. I live in New York on
the West Side, you know. Rough neighborhood, rough. I'll tell ya, I live in
the only neighborhood, when I plan my budget, I
allow for holdup money. (loudly laughing) It's a rough neighborhood, I'll tell ya, where I live, nobody
has respect for the law. Last week on my block they
raffled off a police car. (loudly laughing) Yeah, with two cops still in it. (loudly laughing) And a police station's right on my block. Even the cops are afraid. Only police station I know the front door has a peephole in it. (loudly laughing) I'll tell ya this one cop there
that's really tough though. I saw him the other night,
this cop, and he's tough. And this cop, he fired
three warning shots, into the guy he was warning. (loudly laughing) I'll tell ya the truth, there's one thing in this country I can't figure out. I mean, the streets are unsafe, parks are unsafe, subways are unsafe, but under our arms we
have complete protection. (loudly laughing) (applause) (mumbles off mic)
(applause) You're all right. And I'll tell ya, my kid, you know, and I'll tell ya my kid, he goes to the toughest school in New York. I had to go over there last week, the kid was acting up, you know, I went to see the guidance counselor. They told me he was out, he'll be back in one to three years. (loudly laughing) I'll tell ya, my kid's
school, forget about history. The kids there, they think
Washington crossed to Delaware 'cause he had a girl in Jersey. (loudly laughing) No, it's a rough school. I look in the graduation book, each kid has two poses,
one front and one profile. (loudly laughing) And that's where I live, New
York, 86th Street, West Side. I live in an older
building there, you know. A much older building. I live in the kind of building
like when I take a shower, I never get under it right away. First five minutes I get rust. (loudly laughing) And while I'm takin' a shower, if someone in the building
takes a cold drink of water, I get burnt. (loudly laughing) Yeah, and I got radiators that whistle. I figured out why they whistle. I mean, heat comes up so seldom, they celebrate, it's a
whole thing with them there. (loudly laughing) (applause) You're all right. (mumbles off mic) And I'll tell ya when things
go wrong in the apartment, I get no help from the
superintendent, he won't fix a thing. I'm always lookin' for the super. He won't come up. Last week I tried to trick him. I said, "Come on up,
we're havin' a party." He said, "Should I bring somethin'?" I says, "Yeah, a wrench
and your galoshes." (loudly laughing) And I'll tell ya something else in my neighborhood I don't like, they're always comin'
around askin' for donations. Support different
movements, drives, causes. Guy knocked on my door last week, he told me how the Korean
people need our help. And he said if I give just one dollar, then Su Goo, (laughing)
And his wife, and 12 kids, they're gonna
have rice for a whole year. And not only gonna have
rice for a whole year, but the kids all get books and pencils. And Su Goo can get a new boat. And they can send four
kids through college. (laughing) And I told him I'd be very
happy to give Su Goo a dollar if he would show my wife how
to stretch a buck that far, ya know, I tell ya.
(applause)
When my wife said I do, I should of said with who?!