George Carlin - Flying [Live from NYC '92]

something else we have in common flying on the airlines and listening to the airline's announcements and trying to pretend to ourself that the language they're using is really English doesn't seem like it to me whole thing starts when you get to the gate first announcement we would like to begin the boarding process X word process not necessary boarding is enough we'd like to begin the boarding simple tells the story people add extra words when they want things to sound more important than they really are boarding process sounds important it isn't just a bunch of people getting on an airplane people like to sound important weather men on television talk about shower activity sounds more important than showers I even heard one guy and CNN talk about a rain event you said Louisiana's expecting a rain event I thought holy [ __ ] I hope I can get tickets to that the emergency situation news people like to say police have responded to an emergency situation no they haven't they've responded to an emergency we know it's a situation everything is a situation anyway as part of this boarding process they say we would like to pre-board what what exactly is that anyone what does it mean to pre-board to get on before you get on that's another complaint of mine too much use of this prefix pre it's all over the language now pre this pre that place the turkey in a preheated oven it's ridiculous there are only two states an oven can possibly exist in he did or unheated preheated is a meaningless [ __ ] term it's like pre-recorded this program was pre-recorded well of course it was pre-recorded when else you're gonna record it afterwards that's the whole purpose of recording to do it beforehand otherwise it doesn't really work does it preexisting pre-planning pre-screening when I tell these people priests suck my genital situation and they seem to understand what I'm talking about anyway as part of this pre-boarding they say we would like to pre bar those passengers traveling with small children but what about those passengers traveling with large children sports have a two year older the pituitary disorder you know a six foot infant with an oversized head kinda kid you see in the National Inquirer all the time actually with a kid like that I think it better off checking them riding with your luggage at the curb don't you well they like it under there it's dark they're used to that out this time someone is telling you to get on the plane get on the plane get on the plane I say [ __ ] you I'm getting in the plane let Evel Knievel get on the plane I'll be in here with you folks in uniform there seems to be less wind in here they might tell you you're on a none stop flying I care for that no I insist that my flight stop preferably at an airport it's those sudden unscheduled cornfield and housing development stops but seem to interrupt the flow of my day here's one they just made up near miss but two planes almost collide they call it a near miss it's an ear head a collision is a near miss look they nearly missed yes but not quite they might tell you your flight has been delayed because of a change of equipment broken plane tell me to put my seat back forward well I don't bend that way I put my seat back forward I'd be in porno movies television carry-on luggage first time I heard carry-on I thought they were gonna bring a dead deer on board the help me but that don't have a little TV dinners anymore then I thought carry on carry on there's going to be a party people are going to be carrying on on the plane well I don't care for that I like a serious attitude on the plane especially on the flight deck which is the latest euphemism for cockpit can't imagine why they wouldn't want to use a lovely word like cockpit can you especially with almost stewardesses going in and out of it all the time there's a word that's changed stewardess first it was hostess then stewardess now it's flight attendant you know what I call him the lady on the plane sometimes it's a man on the plane now that's good equality I'm all in favor of that sometimes they actually refer to these people as uniformed crew members uniformed as opposed to that guy sitting next to you and the Grateful Dead t-shirt and the [ __ ] you hat who's working on his ninth little bottle of Kahlua I might add as soon as I close the door to the aircraft that's when we begin the safety lecture I love the safety lecture this is my favorite part of the airplane ride I listen very carefully to the safety lecture especially that part where they teach us how to use the seat belts imagine this here we are a Plane full of grown human beings many of us partially educated and they're actually taking time out to describe the intricate workings of a belt buckle plays the small metal flap into the buckle well I asked for clarification at that point yes thank you very much did I hear you correctly did you say place the small metal flap into the buckle or lace the buckle over and around the small metal flap I'm a simple man I did not possess an engineering degree nor my mechanically inclined sorry to have taken up so much of your time please continue with the wonderful safety lecture seatbelt high-tech [ __ ] the safety lecture continues the next thing they do they tell you to locate your nearest emergency exit I do this immediately I locate my nearest emergency exit and then I plan my route you have to plan your route it's not always a straight line is it sometimes there's a really big fat [ __ ] sitting right in front well you know you'll never get over him I look around for women and children midgets and Dwarfs cripples war widows paralyzed veterans people with broken legs anybody who looks like they can't move too well the emotionally disturbed come in very handy at a time like this you might have to go out of your way to find these people but you'll get out of the plane a lot goddamn quicker believe me I say let's see I'll go around the fat [ __ ] step on the widow's head push those children out of the way knock down the paralyzed [ __ ] and get out of the plane where I can help others I can be of no help to anyone if I'm lying unconscious in the aisle with some big [ __ ] standing on my head I must get out of the plane go to a nearby farmhouse have a dr. pepper and call the police the safety lecture continues and the unlikely event this is a very suspect phrase especially coming as it does from an industry that is willing to lie about arrival and departure times in the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure roof flies off an oxygen mask will drop down in front of you place the mask over your face and breathe normally well I have no problem with that I always breathe normally when I'm in a 600 mile an hour uncontrolled vertical dive I also ship normally they tell you to adjust your oxygen mask before helping your child with his I did not need to be told that in fact I'm probably going to be too busy screaming to help him at all this will be a good time for him to learn self-reliance if he can program is [ __ ] VCR he can taught them jolly well learn to adjust an oxygen mask fairly simple thing just a little rubber band in the back is all it is not nearly as complicated as say for instance a seatbelt the safety lecture continues in the unlikely event of a water landing well what exactly is a water landing am I mistaken what does this sound somewhat similar to crashing into the ocean your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device will imagine that my seat cushion just what I need to float around the North Atlantic to sever babe clinging to a pillow full of beer farts thank you the flight continues the later on toward the end we hear that captain has turned on the fasten seatbelt sign well who gives a [ __ ] who turned it on what does that have to do with anything it's on isn't it and who made this man a captain might I ask did I sleep through some sort of an Armed Forces swearing-in ceremony or something captain he's a [ __ ] pilot and let him be happy with that but go sightseeing announcements or any mark of his intellect he's lucky to be working at all tell the captain air marshal Carlin says go [ __ ] yourself the next sentence I hear is full of things that piss me off before leaving the aircraft please check around your immediate seating area for any personal belongings you might have brought on board well let's start with immediate seating area see it's a goddamn seat check around your seat for any personal belongings but what other kinds of belongings are there besides personal public belongings these people honestly think I might be traveling with a fountain I stole from the pot you might have brought on board well I might have brought my Arrowhead collection it didn't so I'm not going to look for it I'm going to look for things I brought on board which seemed to enhance the likelihood of my finding something wouldn't you say tell me to return my seat back and tray table to their original upright positions fine who's gonna return this guy in the Grateful Dead t-shirt in the [ __ ] you had to his original upright position at this time they tell you you'll be landing shortly that sound you like we're gonna miss the runway final approach is not very promising either final is not a good word to be using on an airplane sometimes a pilot will get on you'll say we'll be on the ground in 15 minutes well that's a little vague isn't it now we're taxiing in she says welcome to our hair International Airport well how can someone who is just arriving herself possibly welcome me to a place she isn't even at yet doesn't this cousin violate some fundamental law of physics we're only on the ground for seconds she's coming on like a [ __ ] mayor's wife where the local time but of course it's the local time what you think we're expecting the time in Pango Pango enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination might be all destinations are final that's what it means destiny final if you haven't gotten where you're going you aren't there yet that captain has asked lordship from the bogus captain you know for someone who's supposed to be flying an airplane he's taking a mighty big interest in what I'm doing back here that you remain seated until he has brought the aircraft to a complete stop not a partial stop cause during a partial stop i partially get up continue to observe the no-smoking sign until well inside the terminal it's physically impossible to observe the no-smoking sign even if you're standing just outside the door of the airplane inside the terminal you can't even see the [ __ ] planes from well inside the terminal which brings me to Terminal another unfortunate word to be used in association with air travel and they use all over the airport don't they somehow I just can't get hungry at a place called the terminal snack bar but if you've ever eaten there you know it is an appropriate name are you okay

Channel: EMFPRODUCTIONS777

Views: 2,580,483

Keywords: George Carlin (Author), NYC, Flying

Id: 46fOtLfYC4Q

Length: 16min 46sec (1006 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 06 2013

Reddit Comments

[u/Brainwash_TV]

Here we have a man who was literally in the zone till the day he died.

[u/imsorryyoufeelthatwa]

Besides his brilliant comedy, listening to Carlin is a great way to learn English for us non-native English speakers!