WEIRD DM's: Bad First Dates

how many rappers secretly play pokemon i kind of think it's a lot of them anyway hello again to all survivors of birth how are you doing good to be alive another day here today is another episode of weird dms and today's theme is horrible first dates now i know a lot of you forgot what a first date is because the coronavirus you know you've been holed up pretending you love your ex still because it's too expensive to move out anymore at least that's everybody in l.a this is that thing you used to do when you would meet with someone and see if you were compatible which you can probably start doing again pretty soon but until then why don't we watch these horrible first dates that these people have gone through all right this first one is called interrupted let's peep this this story takes place when i was a junior or maybe a sophomore in high school i am now a senior in college so it's been about five six years and it's taken me this long to be able to tell this story without feeling like true and overwhelming nausea because it gives me so much anxiety so i had been seeing this guy for a little bit we weren't dating before we go any further i love how you say seeing this guy seeing this you were 15. you saw him every day going to class because your schedules were fixed this is the one guy you saw i was seeing this guy on my way to sixth period for a while that's where your whole relationship took place so you guys held hands might have even shared a prepubescent smooch but don't play this up like you were you're in some kind of serious relationship living in the city somewhere you had heelys we had been hooking up in like the church parking lot as high schoolers do right there jesus we got one we got one right there send her straight down hit the lever and then he takes me out on our first date and it was my first day ever he takes me to get crepes and it was really nice nice teenager takes you out to crepes trying to get you all hyper fill you up full of sugar trying to lighten the mood what a sick bastard this guy was we eat for an hour 6 p.m the day ends it's great and we go back to his place i want to reiterate we were in high school so his place is his house where his parents and siblings live and it was 6 p.m so it was fully bright out and like it was fully still the day time they see that's an important detail because see we all assumed that you lived in antarctica so we assumed that it was night time at least 23 hours a day so it's good to know that you were in a regular state thank you for the clarity on that part we go up to his room and we start like getting frisky and he decides after i'm like basically fully naked he takes off his belt and he puts it around my neck and like through the headboard like his headboard had these like columns and he like tightens the belt around my neck and through the column so i'm like fully up against the headboard and i'm completely immobilized and the more that i try to talk the more the belt like kind of tightens so i can't really speak regardless of what happens in the remainder of this story uh report this kid to the police he's not right the only time you should be immobilized unable to speak and fully naked is after an edible that's the only time those three things in combination are okay this slime right here is not okay i'm uncomfortable i can't speak i'm fully naked um and i did consent to all this so like i want to make that very clear what is in the cafeteria food that you guys are this horned up what is going on 15 years old you got a belt around your neck that's like advanced marriage stuff like some years later you're like i think i got trauma but i'm going to work it out with leather 15. the trauma hasn't even developed yet so we're having sex i'm fully immobilized whatever i can't talk kinky haha and the door opens and his twin sister walks in so first of all not the best scenario to be meeting your your boyfriend's twin sister second of all i can't move i'm naked third of all i can't speak because my throat is being compressed so his twin sister walks in while we're literally having sex and he goes like oh my god what the [ __ ] no get out get out and she freaks out and she starts screaming i just wanted to get a handle of fireball out of your closet can i please get it whole lot to unpack there first of all his sister saw a naked immobilized woman tied up to her brother's bed and that wasn't the issue it's that it was interrupting her ability to get fireball that was the problem ah this is not how i wanted to get the fireball it's not that good all right it's just nail polish remover and cinnamon and he was like what no get out and i'm like yeah we didn't we didn't need that we didn't need that visual we did not need the teenage struggle noise you just made i wanna throw up she didn't leave she like closed the bedroom door so that she was in the room with us we're naked i think he had like grabbed the blanket and put it over us but i still couldn't move and he was so focused on her he wasn't focusing on me i was literally like choking i was trying to get out what are you doing stepsis so she's like running across the room i'm immobilized like trying to get out he's like naked it's his twin sister that i had never met is this an episode of shameless we dated for a long time me and this guy and my relationship with his twin sister literally never recovered like oh that's weird that's weird you guys never be able to get along because the first time she met you didn't even say anything you just sat there quiet kind of rude so i understand why she'd be a little bit uh just trying to talk to you you didn't make a very good first impression and i literally remember saying to him afterward why the [ __ ] didn't you lock the door you stupid bro as you should there was only one phrase that came to mind as you told this story which was why didn't you lock the door you stupid that's how much that girl likes fireball she just smelt it in the hair some dark come over here [Music] smells like fireball in there um but it was so embarrassing like i would agree it's pretty embarrassing that you you would you would crawl across a bdsm experience just for a handle of fireball that is desperate all right moving on this one's called tinder too uh but i'm you know i'm more interested to hear what this guy has to say because he looks like the only wildling that survived season seven and game of thrones so i know well thanks for allowing me to share my bad first date with you um yeah no problem man no problem anytime excuse the background i'm home from college in my parents house and i have to hide in the basement so they don't hear the salacious details i'm about to unveil to you all right man i said uh wildlings from game of thrones but you know now i'm kind of caught between like a medieval citizen in a kingdom where they only feed them salami and like a ted bundy tape i know this is gonna be something awful because he said salacious i think i've only ever heard the word salacious used by a cop in a documentary so i'm very curious to see how this turns out so i match with this girl on tinder i'm away at college i have a hotel room because of the weird pandemic housing situation that's going on so i match with this girl on tinder and i invite her over to the hotel i go to pick her up and right off the bat it's a little strange because i arrive at her house and she takes like 20 minutes to respond to me like after i tell her that i've arrived i'm like okay you know not everyone has tinder notifications on i suppose uh it happens she's like just give me five to ten minutes i'll finish getting ready i'm like oh okay so there's like multiple cars parked there i assume they're her roommates or something no they're her parents um and her mom exits the house while i'm just sitting there like an idiot in the driveway for 20 plus minutes and we have this really intense stare down like she doesn't know who i am she pulled out a sword she was like halt ye who goes there so then she comes out and she is not wearing makeup like she was in her tinder profile which i'm all for the natural look don't get me wrong but the difference here was i wouldn't say drastic but different enough to where it caused some concern for me concerned like what what what could that concern she didn't have makeup on and you were concerned oh my god she has no idea she's ugly what i'm trying to say is she wasn't that attractive without makeup on my pre-date horniness levels were already high enough to where that didn't really matter it wasn't the most pressing thing on my mind see something important to note there all it takes for a man to see past your flaws is he just has to be wildly horny you can always keep a man loving you as long as you keep feeding him horny goat weed so she gets in the car not wearing makeup so i don't know what she was doing while she was getting ready but i do know that she was also not only not putting on makeup but also not showering um because i noticed an immediate smell ah she got in the car and you were like i know this one gamer musk it's a little a little concerning not overpowering but like i said concerning i was like oh so what have you been up to recently trying to probe and she immediately answers oh i was um i just got back from the gym and i was cooking for my mom so she smells like she was sweating in a kitchen you know to put it mildly so i drive back to the hotel we don't have great conversation on the ride there she's asian and her english i thought was good at first but i get the feeling she doesn't quite understand all that i'm saying because she's speaking really well but the way she responds to me and what i have to say is very strange like i'll say something and then she'll just reply with something completely off topic like like i didn't even say anything oh man yikes this dude has no idea he's living in a simulation he should have known when her mom exited the house that was an npc right there she just stopped she didn't know he was in the car because she's not coded to acknowledge other people in the server she just goes about her business so we get back to the hotel i'm with this weird girl you know maybe it's just a language barrier but i'm thinking in the moment she's kind of weird who doesn't smell great doesn't look great i'm like hey you know what we've all been there i'm horny let's get this over with so i try to make some sexual advances you know get the get the hookup going along cause we both know what we're there for it's a hotel room okay and she's not really getting it like i said the language barrier that's um yeah man not a lot of things that made me cringe when i'm cringing at you trying to flirt and her ass is not responding speaking some horny like a shim just on the bed i like corn so after three hours of the worst conversation i've ever had with anyone she turns to me and says oh well i guess we should have sex right i was like well i i guess i mean i was trying to be smooth about it look bro i don't know about you but i don't know how you weren't freaked out that would freak me out after three hours of kind of awkward discussion someone turns to me and goes i guess we should have sex now we proceed to kind of start slow i go in for a kiss and she i guess has not really kissed that many people before because she goes in just tongue already out as she enters my mouth moving the tongue around as spastically as possible ah see he didn't know she was one of these reptilian people the whole time she wasn't trying to make out with you bro it's like this old movie mars attacks they dress up one of the aliens as this beautiful woman this guy goes to make out with her and she burns his tongue off because the alien's mouth is full of acid she wasn't trying to kiss you man she's trying to collect dna samples and they're gonna clone you they're gonna kill you in your sleep and replace you with one of their npc alien clones you're on the verge of getting abducted that's what you don't know i like to do a little bit of foreplay despite the circumstances i wanted to ease into things so i start to do that and i won't go into more detail than i have to thanks thanks but she looks at me weird when i start doing she's like are you gonna stick it in i was like oh my nah i'd feel like a [ __ ] now okay i'm trying to you should have been bugging out man we should have sex now she just scanned the inside of your dental records and then she goes aren't you gonna stick it in abduction man so i proceed to have the worst sex of my life um and then take her back and then never talk to her again look if this video ever makes it to facebook the next time you guys go raid area 51 you need to get him out of there he has no idea that he never went home after that tender date and he's not in his parents basement moving on to the next one all we know is this woman's name is skyla hi my name is skyla see i told you her name is skyla middle of january i met this guy on tinder we talked for about three days he asked us to get drinks we go in our neighborhood we go to this asian fusion place they're serving us soju damn this like if there was ever a crime witness this is who you want i was a law student watching this just getting all kinds of feelings you see this detail this is like ideal witness right here 13 seconds we got it all she met a guy tinder they went to an asian fusion place keep going at the time i didn't know what soju was so i was just like yeah whatever you know bring me a shot bring me a drink i have the shot have the drink 20 minutes passed hey you you're not on the stand you're not on trial there's no lawyer here telling the story like she's being interrogated i get up use a little girl's room come back there's another shot on the table with him and i'm like can't say no to a free shot you can you can't actually you can just for any person out there who who sees alcohol because you can't say no you can you can say no you don't have to do it we leave get to the corner had to be about 30 feet not even it hits me i'm gone i'm completely out to lunch don't even know where i went i was smoking too so it's a little crossed and i'm just like yep i'm gonna be sick and before i could even like think about it throwing up on the sidewalk listen with the most respect does this not feel like maddie smokes as a woman in another universe they have the same kind of lightly vaporized voice box you know what i mean and they kind of got that just that flat demeanor in their faces took a shot can't say no to a shot i had to take another one get not even 30 feet i'm gonna get up dude it's just the same you know whatever eventually i feel a little better he calls a car for us uh another mistake that i made was i got in the car with him and um about halfway through uh the weekend featuring daft punk i feel like coming i just started throwing up that was the most funny weird way to say i'm about to throw up that's how much tick tock has brainwashed you guys you got to use song music titles to convey your point she couldn't even just say i was about to throw up she had to reference a song i'm writing in the car and then a daft punk featuring the weekend i feel it coming uh i i vomit they're throwing up outside of the window it's like all over my mask and my mask and my you know all over the car i don't even acknowledge him my street comes up i say nothing to him i get out of the car and i run to my building and i am a sobbing blubbering mess on the floor and my mom had to undress me and all my friends laughed at me and the guy wind up cutting me off about a month later so first of all i appreciate that minute and 37 seconds that's lightning fast storytelling i really appreciate this hands up for skyla we got it all if you want to know how to tell a story that's how you do it we know where she ate what she had what [ __ ] her up when she threw up how she threw up everything that must have looked so crazy from the other side of that not that you know i'm not like shaming skyla or anything it just must have looked wild for her to just be in the car and then just roll the window down and be like just there's like an active silly string can out the side of the car they just rips the door open and runs inside and then he just hears faint crying from the window and he's just sitting in the uber like did i do something wrong he probably cut you off because he couldn't handle the sheer embarrassment that you got more sauce than he did he went home that night and he texts his boys he's like i can't hang she like embodied the whole bottle and she got high and just puking everywhere i was like fresh it's savage like holy crap that girl's so lit and like i could never like i'm so like if you want to partied somewhere like i could never get as lit as her and like like no cat bro like she just i can't get his lid in her i can't they stop texting you all right i think that's gonna do it that was all very entertaining i think the thing we all learned today is uh ladies if he's wearing a leather belt to the date date's over time to go home

Channel: Noel Miller

Views: 664,305

Rating: 4.9852295 out of 5

Keywords: noel miller, tiny meat gang, cody ko, tmg, love island, steamy tweets, suki, fortnite, games, cody and noel, uncle noel, thats cringe, thenoelmiller, noelle miller, comedy, satire, vine, rap, sketch comedy, roast, stand up

Id: DrKtmUl4K04

Length: 17min 19sec (1039 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 02 2021