THE BEST OF r/NONPOLITICALTWITTER

I can't stop laughing at this I haven't stopped laughing for the last 45 minutes our food speaks for itself hello I don't like that there's a difference between being happy and being distracted from sadness [Laughter] oh you're right papaya Peach pineapple banana spring water mock Maca maca powder and raw honey post workout smoothie oh yeah well obtuse rubber Goose green moose guava juice giant snake birthday cake large fries chocolate shake idiot DC recently put out a comic where Batman teams up with FaZe Clan and the dialogue is killing me did Batman could stop me it's a gamer issue Batman's a dinosaur what could he even do I need to read this comic I will never make a disrecord when Mario starts to doubt himself during a speed run which turns me into a frog now suffer me chilling on a leaf wait experiencing happiness for the first time in my life wait no wanting to be funny is a disease why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever Wi-Fi name for my neighbors to see because it's built into our DNA you have to dog wagging tail what does this do makes people happy and this oh they love that do I do anything that makes people sad I I'll tell you when you get back can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I'm just getting interested in crime ah steal some bubble gum that's a good way to start it's also a good way to end just because he dated you for seven years doesn't mean he's gonna marry you my uncle studied medicine for six years and now he's a DJ well he's got one hell of a fallback career I guess that's a little different huh maybe I should paint some of your baby and hide them around to see how you like it happy Easter I have hidden your human Childs what is this bird up to how does this help bird writes I live in fear that someone will kidnap my grandson Billy who lives at 822 58th Street Apartment 2 on the fourth floor keeps the door unlocked can't miss it we all live in fear cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food well not the whole floor come on think about this for a minute do beavers even know what they're doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think absolutely not I too have wondered what the hell is going on in the mind of a beaver why why are you doing this I'm so impressed by people in their 20s who got a divorce you made a commitment broke a commitment and hired a lawyer in the same decade that I couldn't figure out what to do with my hair yes it's very impressive breakfast par Excellence tofu corn seeds and spices no meat no intensive farming methods no cooking just a few Vinegar Strokes to season this is the future of food is this before or after you ate it man I don't care how good that tastes that could be incredible I'm not going to eat something that actually looks like a nice healthy [ __ ] male friendships are chills no drama no [ __ ] haven't seen or contacted my best friend in 10 years that's not the flex you think it'd be my guy that's sad why meet anyone on the apps when I could permanently alter the Dynamics of my close friend group when I was in elementary school I told my teacher to play the Gummy Bear music video in front of the class because we had free time I forgot about the part where the gummy bear shook his ass so she sent me out in the hall and I cried so hard that I sh myself hate you explain the story of Jesus badly too long didn't read dude gets hammered wakes up in a cave three days later well that's really condensed I write superpowers in fiction by how easily they could be defeated by a random hillbilly with a Shotgun If the hillbilly wins the power sucks oh there's a lot of sucky powers out there man would you take pictures with a bear I'm crying why are the pics so intimate like he's the baby daddy yeah that's weird dude that's just weird why are it guys such dicks last week I drove two hours to push the power button on a server that three separate people assured me was already on probably didn't get paid very much for it either I what does this even mean Hello Jeffrey unfortunately due to company policy we're unable to offer positions to people with the name Jeffrey since it will not work with our database schema they can't hire people named Jeffrey that doesn't seem right my dad always found rubber ducks while on walks and hid them around for his version of good luck he passed away four years ago and we thought we found them all tonight I opened the back seat cup holder of my car for apparently the first time in a while Dad you genius jerk what's the first thing you think of when you see this picture my job oh that's one for Vincent dog years ago an older dude was surprised to hear that I work in animation because they assumed kids made cartoons I'll never forget that ah yes animation only four children to be made only by children when I was nine I loved Beyblades I told my dad about them and told him I wanted to be the strongest babe later at my school he asked to see my Beyblade after inspecting it he made the observation that weight was the deciding factor in which Beyblade won and wait came from the metal core at a Beyblade Center so he created a custom core for me a very heavy one I took the Beyblade to school the next day and in my first game I cracked my opponent's Beyblade in two after that no one wanted to play against my weighted Beyblade I was the king and your dad is a badass this is a billion box burger restaurant located in Seoul South Korea we believe that other burgers are you know I think burger joints here could take some notes Here If a movie character gets shot here they're required to keep it to themselves for a while later in the movie they must open their shirt and or jacket revealing an alarming amount of blood followed by another character saying you're hurt this is the law Hollywood made sure of it a long long time ago children so thoughtful always leaving some for the grown-ups ah they left you carrots too how nice of them I hope my four-year-old appreciates the amount of effort I put in to ensure I lose to him at guess who well look your four-year-old really doesn't care now but I'm sure he's gonna care when he's an adult I feel like everyone worships avocado and I'm struggling because it tastes like compressed wet grass lumps but nobody will listen and I'm all alone in this world well are you just like eating avocado by itself that's kind of dumb you either make guacamole or you don't buy avocado it's that simple right I was like I'm worried everyone's mad at me and my boyfriend was like Dana it's 4am you woke me up to say this I'm mad at you just once I want the opportunity to dramatically swipe everything off a table to make room for a giant map that I'll use to explain the plan I've been wanting to sweep stuff off a desk for a completely different reason but now this this is number two on that bucket list microwave would you like your food too hot or too cold me what if you cooked it just right what did you cook eat cheese made okay Goldilocks just for that I'm gonna beep louder than your smoke alarm for no reason and I'll never come with a mute button last month I did the unthinkable and finally threw out that box of unloved cables that I've dragged with me through adulthood today I realized that I needed one of them and have no idea how to find a replacement consider this a warning to you all take it seriously folks you need them that's the eeriest thing a child has ever said to you when my daughter was around four to five she calmly insisted that she had once been married to a man named Brad Huffington when we asked what had happened to him she replied with a note of sadness he was lost at sea she killed Brad I'm sorry your daughter's a murderer just had to explain to my toddler that the chicken animal is the same thing as the chicken food and I thought she was going to be concerned instead she's chanting tweet tweet eat the bird while shoveling nuggets into her mouth well be proud you bring it up old No [ __ ] I'm exposing a pattern if the hardcore band's guitarist looks like this you're about to die in that pit removing Ram from a computer while it's on this visually represents a computer screaming as you chop off part of its brain I don't know who needs to hear this but you can re-park your car if you didn't get it right the first time oh I know that I spent like 20 minutes trying to get a parking job right once I'm gonna be honest I have no idea which months have 30 days and which ones have 31 and don't reply with that [ __ ] riddle really did not anticipate how much of my adulthood would be spent convincing a glass front rectangle that I am the one who is not a robot you can't do work before lunch because you're wondering what's for lunch can't do work after lunch because you're full from lunch then there's a 20 minute period in which to do work then it becomes end of day and you get a sort of senioritis in the micro level what the f is all of this say okay but when is Air Force 2 coming out I'm going to beat this joke format into the ground until you all agree that it is funny how I can't wait for the new Brad Pitt detective sequel eight wait isn't there an Air Force too I thought it was like a helicopter or something nah I can't think of anything and I don't really care as the Beatles once said Tumblr was a great place to get told in case nobody's told you so today you are loved and valid by someone who would leak your home address and social security number if you like to show they hated just so we're all clear since there's a lot of disagreement about birth years Boomer anyone older than you that you don't like Millennial anyone younger than you that you don't like yeah pretty much dude a typical website visit in 2022 figure out how to decline all but essential cookies close the support widget asking if I need help stop the auto playing video close the subscribe to our newsletter pop-up and try to remember why I came here in the first place Punk the world is pumped and I'm pissed emo the world is that I'm sad goth the world is but there is beauty Scar the world is I have a trumpet my son called a paper cupcake liner a muffin skirt and I immediately trademarked it huh he getting a cut of that this one frame in signs is the reason I didn't sleep for all of 2002 dude I don't know what it was I don't know what it was about that particular scene it scares the [ __ ] out of me to this day maybe it was just the way it was filmed I don't know an awkward minute passes as death struggles to pick up change from the countertop slippery coins nah man it's cause you got them bone hands how can we recognize when something is strawberry scented when actual strawberries don't have a smell this tweet is pissing me off because it makes sense another childhood star lost to drugs sad beep boops if thanos's snap killed fifty percent of nope nope nope that's not how this works that's not how this works that's not how this works have a nice day native Spanish speakers our language is spoken by nearly half a billion people and has existed for over 1500 years Taco Bell cool well we made up some new words for y'all we need a three-day weekend one for errands one for social activities one for staying in bed like we've got some Victorian way tasting disease a three-day weekend should be the bare minimum hey UPS your driver left this package under our doorknob like this and trapped us in our apartment had to call maintenance to get out in my experience those doorknobs go both directions so you can go up to open the door oh God distressed the pants are traumatized and make you look terrible another beautiful day without using sine cosine or tan I hate you I love Anime conventions ah me too brother me too what should I get from Cheesecake Factory cheesecake okay but what else some dude don't go to Cheesecake Factory I'll send a risky text then start being productive for no reason escaping confrontation it haunts me why on panipali why must you exist I ordered a salad in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania and this is what I got all right the potato when I was a kid I literally thought that this little piggy went to Market meant it went shopping wait oh oh my God I just realized one of my two oh [Laughter] I'm using your phone I need to Google something no please stop reading out my last search do dogs think humans are other dogs I want to know if I'm a good boy nice one Barnes and Noble let's see oh a new manga huh I don't know if I like it I need a professional's opinion what do you think Vin Diesel there's a best various family great I'm invested now co-workers always want to talk as soon as they see you bro I just woke up an hour ago leave me alone don't talk to me until I've had my morning coffee okay nervous of flying don't be as long as the two million Parts in a plane work perfectly while traveling at close to the speed of sound as sharp metal blades rotate at supersonic speeds and temperatures of negative 65 degrees 7 miles above the Earth's surface you'll be absolutely fine in retrospect it might have been a mistake to give Facebook all of my personal information in exchange for seeing what my high school friends eat for dinner I think it's a unanimous agreement that Facebook was our first experience at making a bad investment the prophecy is fulfilled caution bearing area they said this day would never come hi everyone is 7 divisible by three no seven is not divisible by three wish it was wish it was what is going on in their life where their current ailments to focus on is a numbers divisionable abilities when I die in yoga go through my search history you'll be disappointed to find mostly just definitions of very common words that I wasn't sure I was using correctly words like divisionable dinner get a nice salmon fillet at the supermarket not too big but some olive oil and lemon juice on it wrap it in damp paper towels sounding like a nice dinner right nuke it in the microwave for three minutes or so eat it maybe add a salad this may be the shortest horror story you've ever written thank you emotional support trash Panda do you know what it is security cameras inside a perimeter fence at the Amarillo Zoo captured a strange image the city is asking for help to identify it is this a meme am I out of the joke here I'm just gonna assume I know what this is that's really good yes I'm included in the joke now I too have friends does anyone else ever just crave the wafer of a KitKat and wash the chocolate off Kit Kat blocked you what the frick did I do I don't know Sophia maybe it's the fact you've just turned KitKat into a damp wafer stick what why you prefer your treats to look like a dog had just suckled on them in college I fell out of my bunk bed and broke both of my legs and one arm years later on a date I made a joke about being clumsy and the dude told me I couldn't compare to this woman his EMT brother helped once who fell out of her bunk bed and broke all her bones it was me nice guess the hand of Fate wasn't done with embarrassing you about that to all dogs laying down will you please just stay laying down even if I get up I swear I'm not doing anything important and I'll be right back and you look so cozy I love you and I just want you to be happy my son seven has discovered Deez Nuts jokes and it's all he says now everything is Deez Nuts he simply can't stop I asked him where he heard that joke he made me promise that if he told me he wouldn't get in trouble I agreed so he leans in and Whispers Disney nuts an octopus actually has six arms and two legs not eight legs oh so sorry Uber Facts but an arm has suckers all along it and a tentacle has suckers on the end so octopuses have eight arms and no legs while squids have six arms and two tentacles there are no legs in the class cephalopoda oh Uber Facts just got up fricked a drunk girl at this party asked me so what's like your backstory I said scoliosis and she said with complete sincerity oh that's crazy I'm a Libra what makes us human selecting all images with traffic lights how old were you when you realized your original plan of being really nice working really hard and taking on much more than you should in the hope you would be automatically rewarded for this without asking was totally Schmidt sound off in the comments everyone in their mid-20s [Music] of beetle Moses why this is some Delhi AI crossover Schmidt we live in a society you're Mexican you don't look Mexican yes what am I supposed to look like a quesadilla there's one who smiles back it's never wrong to look like a snack I wish just one time in action movie starring Macho Man with great chemistry would end with them kissing don't worry those who clearly would have an issue with this it's not gay it's just passionate Bromance how the fricker kids these days vaping when I was a kid I was trying to figure out how they got cars into malls I still Ponder this question there is a shopping center near me with cars in the mall unlike the third Story how where where do they move it in from damn things are clearly Transformers just because he dated you for seven years it doesn't mean he will marry you my uncle study medicine for six years he's now a DJ and hey it doesn't mean that his study for medicine was a waste of his time and the people who were teaching him it just means that medicine is now trash to him now and he thinks little of them and that there were just nothing to him in the end so anyway chin up you know you'll find another guy ocean with her six pups the father is the pillow may you sleep as well this weekend just gotta say that I think Mother Nature's a real a-hole for not giving us the genetic ability to have developed our bodies into being literal comfy pillows like come on what why did we get cheated from such snug ability I made my bed and found a half-eaten stick of butter in it when I asked my child if she put anything in Mommy's bed she said I did not put butter in it the mystery continues more at 11. who's that freaking nerd and to my horror the nerd on the screen laughed it was a zoom meeting the nerd is one of our companies and one time I changed in front of my mom and she saw a tattoo I have next to my boob and she was like make sure your employer never sees that tattoos aren't professional and it's like Frick now I can't sleep with my boss without them thinking I'm unprofessional I had a dream last night it was a Cinnabon commercial where every time the camera angle changed there was less frosting on the Cinnabons and people in the commercial were crying begging for it to stop this sounds like a nightmare but a great way to save on cast note that down I don't know man it's like none of the other reindeer even care that I can dance nurse how do you rate your pain me zero stars um would not recommend okay I'm just gonna write saddest man doctor I am depressed doctor go see Pagliacci the famous clown he sucks Schmidt and he knows it oh you're so freaking bad at everything it makes me roar with laughter you know he weeps on stage because he knows he's nothing but doctor I know who you are kudos to Apple Maps for going above and beyond on the Privacy front pixelating not only the person's face but also the dog's butt how Despicable this elder just letting their dogs girthy schlong of a tail flail in the wind breaking man dressed as Sonic the Hedgehog's Eggman has declared to pee on the moon the US Navy is currently trying to stop his ascendants into the atmosphere Jim Carrey said he was retiring from acting it wasn't until we realized he just specified screen acting I really peed off the horse fandom with this one by fandom just one person ah process on beach what are they here for they're freaking frolicking you stuck up I could leave this Twitter post alone at that bed no I've got no other Outlet to validate my opinion on you make me sick they're just swimming they literally have nothing else it's glue or run and yet you're bullying them for swimming pathetic yet you live a smaller lifestyle of only a few tests over and over hater that you are oh yeah there's poor horses look at them victims of cyber bullying okay so let me get this straight the number one movie in the country is Top Gun the number one song is Kate Bush running up the hill and America is in a proxy war with Russia so we're just like freaking let's give 1986 another go then history doesn't repeat itself but it often Rhymes Mark Twain Jack the snack someone said don't chase him replace him and I've never heard better parenting advice in my life I'm a walking Factory kid I can replace you in nine months lie to her that I can play chess now she wants to play me online how do I learn chess in 30 minutes make her use white open another chess app as white play her moves and reply with whatever the computer plays this Schmidt is too easy okay the bf18 is the the absolute just genius he's the new Einstein everyone new Einstein my 72 year old mother just informed me she is going to her first sex party and doesn't know what to bring after some delicate questioning gender reveal Mom it's called a gender reveal I love using a measuring cup for only water it's like you're still clean bud you get to skip the wash go right back to the cabinet don't really freaking Rock I want a beer paralyzed man communicates first words in months using brain implant a completely paralyzed man who was left unable to communicate for months after losing the ability to even move his eyes has used a brain implant to ask his Caregivers for a beer composing sentences at a rate of just one character per minute the man also asked to listen to the band's tool loud requested a head massage from his mother and ordered a curry all through the power of thought oh why is this in the tiny bottom text this is like the best thing he was also able to interact with his four-year-old son and wife generating the message I love my cool son God damn man with the onions at a bunch of onion ninjas attacking my face just saw someone my age being extremely talented my day is ruined hmm relatable imposing a sense of self-depression that's gonna turn up on me IRL I've never seen a one sentence headline contradict itself until now TJ Miller's wife making a name for herself in New York finally she'll be recognized as wife of TJ Miller see the terminology of who she is comes before TJ Miller so therefore it's more respectful her name uh I don't know Steve instead of calling it a to-do list I've started writing side quests at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all hey at least you're trying I'm personally on my fourth paid productivity app I have a problem the AI art thing is fake I'm the guy who has to draw all the requests like the chess player inside the Mechanical Turk you're torturing me I spent every waking hour drawing Schmidt like Joe Biden Asuka wedding and Donkey Kong Nuremberg trials please stop I need to sleep just slung my bra off and threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already two other bras if my math is right it's Wednesday it is Wednesday my dudes what do people who start small talk in elevators want from us I just want to talk oh so demanding a woman was awarded 5.2 million dollars in a settlement from insurance company Geico for Contracting a sexually transmitted disease from her partner in his vehicle which was insured by the company court documents show America what so what covers STDs Collision or comprehensive I would say Collision since they smashed okay let's say I got my duck stuck in a ketchup bottle which which I didn't how would I get it out wait till it's soft and pull it out La Mao it's cutting off the blood flow when it won't get soft again not that I did that medieval peasant just grips dosko sort of hard I guess a little track again me something what the freak you're supposed to spontaneously combust a reverse stardew Valley game where you and 11 other young adults you've known for your whole life compete for the affections of a mysterious new farmer who never speaks and has somehow become unimaginably wealthy of a vegetables therapist and what do we do when we're feeling stressed me start making plans avoid text messages and accidentally alienate myself from all of my friends no a typical website in 2022 one figure out how to decline all butt essential cookies two close the support widget asking if I need help three stop the auto playing video four close the subscribe to a newsletter pop-up five try and remember why I came here in the first place I don't like to say bless you when someone sneezes because I don't know if they're religious or not so instead I just say I hope you never do that again I mean this really would have bless you is isn't it my friend with benefits was in a bad car accident and had to have surgery on this femur and this is his update just walked to the doctor today found out that because of the accident my duck has been hanging longer and thicker than ever very important medical information that I think you should know my wife and I made custom skaters on Tony Hawk and we look like a couple who got arrested because our baby died writingly specific and what I thought was a pretty productive introductory therapy session I explained how I feared my lethally toxic personality was driving people away when I called to schedule a follow-up they said he'd closed his practice and moved out of town I would do absolutely anything to get eight hours of sleep except for going to bed eight hours before I need to wake up unsolicited career advice pursue a job you love even if it doesn't make much money work as a musician at fancy parties meet high-powered people fly to Italy and befriend the son of a shipping magnate kill him with an ore while you're both on a boat and assume his identity cookies sounds like cookies and yet we bake them something wrong with our society one of my best friends back home recently bought a donkey and the previous owners made him take his best Goose friend too I'll look at a little Goosey just hanging on the back of the donkey but are they best friends or is the goose just an a-hole who keeps sitting on his back and he just can't get him off so he's just given up and accepted his fate Instagram look at my new boyfriend Twitter I can't get a boyfriend Reddit my 21 female boyfriend who's 53 forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women's driver's licenses am I the ye-hole for being uncomfortable the wedding is in three hours parenting is hard I am trying to teach my son that Virginia isn't a Dodie word but he still needs to pick a different name for his hamster ball sack no but he has a ball and he's like a sack fine testy it's funny how we say a bug hit my windshield when we're the ones going 70 miles an hour I'll bet the bug's family describes it a bit differently you know I'm sure the bug's family does a lot of things differently from me and my own I'm alive though dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun you guys are having fun oh I don't have many years left before the 30s I'm getting excited I don't simply go through airport security I have a goal I want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency I want to be celebrated as I push my belongings across the table I want TSA to offer me a job I'll decline I want people talking about me at their gate Glory well You Gotta Wear slip-on shoes first you should be able to call in weird for work like no I'm not coming in you don't want me there when I'm goofing new guy getting introduced to me at work co-worker and don't piss him off he knows where the bodies are buried me leans in real close like and Whispers graveyards I don't know why they don't know that learn to code what and end up like this guy no thanks come on man he was the lowest bidder who would win in a fight Remy I hate this debate he's a street rat he would absolutely clobber Stuart with his bare hands Stuart hasn't worked for anything in his life Remy knows the struggle Stewart is a little bit that is true I gotta agree Stewart's done he has it all but at what cost I don't know I don't see any cost at all I'm just remembering that my second year in America someone asked me to validate their parking which was my first time hearing the phrase and after blinking stupidly in silence for a full five seconds I said well barking is really hard but I'm sure you did very well Apple CEO confirms the tech Giants are working on a driverless car it's the year 2032. you're driving on the highway to work in your Apple car when you hear the news that the new Apple Car 2 is coming out suddenly the speed of your car goes from 95 to 25 miles per hour chaos ensues why the [ __ ] you going 95 miles an hour there there's not a single goddamn Highway in the entire country above 80 or 85. Wyoming's kind of iffy chunky B but you could you're gonna shame him come on help him up on the window horse owners either name their horses like their dogs or like their boats no in between yeah it's either Steve or golden horizon I went to McDonald's and ordered an ice cream sandwich out of boredom and they delivered what I want one Florida bands toilet invading iguanas and 15 other invasive species do the iguanas know their band Yes they're not happy about this outcome American badgers look like they're about to drag you into a back alley and pull a shiv on you to demand money for their meth habit European badgers look like they're about to invite you over for a cup of tea and some custard creams at their little cottage in the countryside and then kill you breaking the BBC declares war on Italy Hawaiian spaghetti let's hear them out coach come on it's probably good we've done plenty of things that taste great in the name of making the Italians mad my two-year-old Stood Still and cooperated when I brushed her hair just kidding I chased her through the house like Jason in a slasher flick and at the end she killed you right dudes take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success just go to the wedding bro I don't know what the [ __ ] you're talking about producer in Hollywood so I just met this kid who told me he wanted to direct a picture the kid is 39 years old the producer 41. my wife and I are sitting on the couch watching TV and I hear a text realizing I left my phone in the kitchen I get up go to the kitchen and check it and it's a text from my wife please bring the chips on your way back oh she gotcha how I slept the night before a school trip not to sound depressing but I miss being this excited about life I'm like this every single night before any trip no matter where I'm going and every time I have a programming question and I really need help I posted on Reddit and then log into another account and reply to it with an obscenely incorrect answer people don't care about helping others but they love correcting others Works a hundred percent of the time yes I believe they call this the Gaga principle this is such a strange photo if the MCU began in 1998 this is Iron Man Thor and Bruce Banner Bruce Banner I can see the other two absolutely not pushes math homework away in 1990. I'll never need this getting yelled at by Subway customer in 2014 I want the bread cut like a rhombus congrats on your sobriety Denise but you look treadful in both pictures all my love well gee thanks Maureen first day as air traffic controller happy Mayday to you two oh oh in 1983 as a promotion for the release of Return of the Jedi Tyson Foods released special Ewok Edition chicken nuggets shaped as the adorable characters the sails were abysmal as children across the U.S believe they were made of Ewok meat I need a source every time I drink milk I remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink more milk her milk as someone who's developed a slight lactose intolerance I'm about to die me driving to the store yeah am a total store-pilled food cell I'm basically going store mode and I'm giving produce core Vibes what my eight-year-old son dobin Daddy I think God should kill you doben yeah I think God should kill you too you named your goddamn kid doben I don't care if that's not how it's pronounced it's doben Why did no one tell me elephants have religion and observed to worship the moon who's been keeping this information from me elephants are aware of natural cycles as they practice Moon worship night Cold versus morning cold what's the phenomenon here what is it is it just because it's a little colder in the morning or what I'm on a plane and no one is sitting next to me and they're closing the doors oh my God I finally won Bravo you're the luckiest dude in the world Funko pops are just physical nfts while I can say that they're as ugly as nfts at least when you buy a Funko Pop you're getting something if I had a nickel for every time the band KISS was in a kid's cartoon where they were portrayed as Warriors of some kind battling a powerful Cosmic horror I'd have two nickels which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice they just they looked the part my biggest fear is getting kidnapped with a blocked nose and they tape my mouth oh God thanks thank you what's the worst thing a woman has done on the first date she literally asked what was their most expensive drink the waiter met my eyes and the bro code kicked in he just kept saying everything was out of stock God bless him where he is now I went back to give him a tip but he declined a truck loaded with thousands of copies of a thesaurus spilled its load leaving New York Witnesses were stunned startled a guest stupefied confused shocked rattled paralyzed dazed bewildered surprise dumbfounded flabbergasted confounded astonished and numbed deleted my weather app because there's a a guy in my office that always tells me anyway and the app never asks me how my weekend was shout out to Bill my weekend was awesome man thanks for asking I'm only going out for one drink 20 drinks later man got so drunk he legally changed his name to Celine Dion hmm not what I would have picked my son was crying and asked why doesn't the dog have to wear pants and it's like I don't even know so now I'm putting pants on a dog putting on 2001 to impress a date with my sophisticated taste and immediately Googling how long does the ape part last oh boy why are rugs so expensive pillows curtains why does the trash can fill up so fast why do I have to clean my kitchen so much where the f is all this dust coming from the phrase lying in a pool of his own blood always makes me think about how much weirder it would be to be lying down in a pool of someone else's blood it's not good either way for sure but a little weirder if it's someone else's the population of Scotland is around 5.2 million and there are 600 million cats in the world so if every cat decided to invade Scotland each Scot would have to fight off around 114 cats each and I really don't think they could pull it off have you seen Braveheart come on what if we were two porcelain cats drinking milk together this is a girlfriend question people think going to church makes you religious but does tea posing in a garage make you a car what Postmates driver just opened my front door and walked into my house today well Mr Watson what's the problem I hold a gender reveal party all my relatives wait as I pull off the Cake cover the icing says gender is a spectrum it's too late I have the PowerPoint up and they can't leave Reddit has ruined my ability to make independent purchase decisions can't even buy a water bottle anymore without consulting the water bottle subreddit dude you gotta know before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is am I ready to watch the exact same card tune on repeat for the next four years well remember after that you'll be watching the same three movies on repeat for the next three more years and then you got at least two more movies after that you're gonna see at least a hundred times a piece until they're 12. reads tldr everyone too long didn't read my brain the Lord the Rings I'm still mad about the alien shirt wish sent me Alan in space nobody can hear you in space why are you mad about that you don't like cargo shorts let me check my 46 pockets for a [ __ ] to give I love that when British people sing they cut out all that boss yes oh man unless you're lead singer of The Cure or the 1975. that's what they're called right me what should you do if you see smoke six-year-old ask what you're cooking I ordered a Han Solo bookmark on eBay it arrived today this is how it was packaged um it's a hilarious joke I definitely doubt it if that did happen holy [ __ ] slushies be so good until you got it with the straw as long as you sing to the tune of You Are My Sunshine you can literally say anything you want to a baby I just vented all of my frustrations and she still fell asleep best therapy ever I'm 44 and can't swim I'm 20 and can't take it anymore they should let everyone on hold with customer service talk to one another now I think a lot of people would get murdered that way jump scare you matched with someone from New Jersey oh oh my God baby goat fairy with a heart-shaped eye patch this is it this is the Tweet where'd you find a goat fairy does this necklace say best friends till I catch you open mouth kissing your uncle at the mall no I said forever and I meant it Amy sharing the iron water after sex you can't afford a second iron dude they're like five bucks a piece of Goodwill the year is 20 30. Bakery art is so realistic literally anything could be cake the uncertainty has gripped the world in fear I go to hug my wife for comfort she is cake oh I Funny great my young daughter was trying to study for a spelling test she kept getting hung up on the word apocalypse I told her it wasn't the end of the world you ruined her life me realizing that being gifted during my childhood and putting in absolutely no work but still excelling in my little fourth grade classes as the reason I have little to no work ethic now and I get discouraged from things if I'm not good at them immediately well open mic night sounded like a lot of fun until I realized I'd been invited to an autopsy which I thought was the worst of it but then the person said dive in and yeah things just changed oh my culture is not your costume 90s hardcore kid it was obviously a face but I still won't admit it mom what if your first name was Holden and your last name was berries and you'd be like I'm holding berries and everyone would think you're holding berries La Mao excuse me sir I feel attacked whoa hey put those away buddy sorry I went to an open mic night this is all they had left to take home my parents are currently visiting Peru and I feel I must share this picture mom sent from Lima I'm not judging merely observing over the fact they chose to make the scariest creature most anxious being on this planet to be like their representation of the deity or something I I don't know meanwhile in very British problems removing the kind from kind regards to let the recipient know you're absolutely bloody livid I love lagomorphs because on the one side you have a sweet round boys and on the other side you have Fair Wilderness profits we've gone mad with the knowledge of the Universe I was gonna say fluffy bunny and the lean muscular chat bunny but okay you go there sure Fried Chicken is a dinner nobody is waking up craving a bucket of fried chicken in the morning and sometimes biscuits come with that chicken but you want to tell me that if you take the chicken and put it in the biscuit it suddenly becomes breakfast come on man I'm an adult this sounds like an America only problem purely because just reading this makes me feel like I've developed some sense of diabetes dungeon master so Moses the Pharaoh is still refusing to let your people go since you botched that persuasion check I cast insects plague oh are you sure we haven't fully explored all the up I cast insect plague hashtag DND gen Z will never understand the absolute grip this baby had on our culture honestly as a millennial I really feel like I missed out not growing up with this show in my life like I thought Simpsons had on the knows humor this show just grabs your nose and just pile drives you into the dirt with it ninety percent of NFL commentators jobs is being like and I'll tell you John these guys are These Guys these guys want to win this one so my wife and I decided not to have kids the kids are taking it pretty hard good morning to the skeleton who died getting its back blown out last Halloween last year's Halloween was certainly memorable here's an idea that I can't be bothered pursuing and will leave up to someone else to figure it out a Roomba that swears every time it hits something just don't give them self-awareness so they don't realize the owners purposely put them in like a one by one meter box oh wow that comma is working overtime my brothers ass is delicious the longer you look at this sentence the funnier it is I'm in Paris and I ordered an oat milk latte and the waiter said no it is because they respect coffee over there when people announce the length of their newborn I'm like okay are they a party sub wait what people don't have a strong intuitive sense of how much bigger 1 billion is than one million one million seconds is about 11 Days 1 billion seconds is about 31.5 years really puts into the perspective of the idea that maybe we should just cap someone's earnings beyond the like I don't know 50 billion just give them a trophy well done you did it the rest of that money is going to infrastructure and you know just the rest of the world because clearly you are not going to need that much I am sad we never got an extremely mid Telltale Breaking Bad game with 2013 Xbox 360 as Graphics looking Jesse and Walt and UI that looks like a grungy periodic table really you're sad about that okay my boyfriend met my family for the first time and we were playing catchphrase and his word was boner instead of skipping it like a normal person he said something that Bridget gives me right in front of my father hell yeah high five Dad yep no I realized at the moment I said it cashing in all my Chipotle points for the perfect reward side tortilla is 85 points okay how many points do they have to redeem okay just to have enough I think they have enough for 2746 side tortillas make sure halfway through the order you say actually can I eat in instead of take away that's not bisexual lightning girl you are being pulled over why did Vincent van Gogh paint this skeleton smoking a cigarette in 1886. because he knew it would look raw as hell 136 years down the line Malfoy's be bold and talking about the thread is hiking too fast my brother you were worried about the wrong recession ah personal attack on my genetics God I love being a regular the owner of the Greek place just came out to make sure I only wanted one dollars instead of the usual five and I explained that Kevin was out of town so I couldn't eat them all by myself he gave me two anyway because I will not starve on his watch so what you're saying is this place didn't respect your boundaries or your request that sounds toxic canceled on Twitter cancel them I love the term history buff just completely jacked with the knowledge of the past yeah bulging on Mesopotamia a real linguistic anthropology Beefcake a shredded paleopathology absolutely Renaissance units okay so I decided to try a free shavakadoo for the first time today and this Schmidt tastes terrible in other news I think I have invoked Hispanic wrath because people keep replying in Spanish rap battle me step to me yo your Rhymes are trash your mouth right and checks your butt can't cash Millennial opponent frantically Googling what is a the world before Netflix ah yes in 1845 79 people died in a bridge collapse over the river beer because a large crowd had gathered to watch a clown in a bathtub be pulled up River by Four Keys imagine dying in public because of someone's attempt at what would have been back then trying to make a weird viral video I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the intro rules but still the fight club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club hey what's up those strange men doing outside my house when you open a snack and you hear Paws running your way red flag red flag red flag red flag two into free food this is what pads used to look like in the 1800s the Hoosier sanitary belt yes I have to agree here we are so lucky to be living right now y'all like dude the definition for Comfort not exist until 1901 the Eastern hognose snake will flatten its entire head to look like a cobra or flip Belly Up and pretend to be slowly dying if you're looking for pointers on how to get out of a meeting just saying look if you could achieve that you'd definitely get out of the meeting by making everyone scream and run away in fear throwback I'm at Knott's Berry's farms and my butt's too big to fit into seats on ride Ah that's me yelling Shaq with a thick backside nice sheets thank you what's the crumb count uh zero because I washed them yeah okay Mister has their life perfect I do not flick with any burrito without gift if your Schmidt is convenient and portable take it elsewhere I want a burrito that is burdensome unwieldy when I I raise it to my mouth I should feel the weight of the mistake I am about to make no child should be able to eat this unfortunately the city of New York will never be able to recover from this sick burn the Yankees more like the stink case look at this Kitty with the little French mustache less red with a French accent I'm very sorry [ __ ] without a reservation there is simply nothing I can do for you oh wait wait souffle croissant mate we are all slacking why this is why naked woman chases Jehovah's Witnesses off of her porch and down the street yelling come to my devil's vagina magic well I don't want to compete with that honestly I'll let them win they're the winner here not gonna try and one-up that my wife makes us put five dollars in the find jar every time we make her find something we can't locate in the house after 13 months of saving today we are buying a Ford Explorer well there you go you want to save up some money just ask your wife something 7352 times or 565.5 times a month or 141.38 times a week or ask her where something is 20 times a day my goodness how have they not divorced you there is not enough enrichment in my enclosure and pretty soon I'll need to act out hell now the introvert will have to socialize a new chapter of the Epic of Gilgamesh is revealed when the fragment of tablet V was finally recovered it was written in standard Babylonian and dates back to neo-babylonian period 626 to 538 BC according to researchers author's note hey guys sorry I haven't passed it in ages life has been crazy oh whoa honestly football would be so much better if they played a funny sound effects every time they kicked the ball me destroy spiderweb spider wow me puts up fake spiderweb wow okay you know what I'm not even gonna eat any of the bugs in your house anymore you can let them infest you you deal with it now I went to dinner with friends and all six of us rode in my BFF's SUV I was in the very back and I opened a compartment and found a full-on switchblade knife me why do you have a knife back here and she said oh just in case I'm kidnapped and held back there I can stab him you know your friend they're going places mainly because they have a car so they can do that I just want to move to the middle of nowhere in the mountains you get Starbucks three times a day what are you talking about shut up breaking news sting has been kidnapped the police have no lead bottom Tish dear contractors Architects and old people who who Design Homes stop putting the bathroom switch on the outside of the bathroom clearly you've never had an older brother or annoying roommate I'm drawing a mustache that leads into sideburns that go up to a single strip of hair that wraps all the way around my head it's a complete circle of hair it's unforgivable and I'm doing this as an open challenge to God you say that now but I reckon this becomes a trend in like 50 000 years me this day is stressing me I need a drink three-year-old here you go Dad hands me his milk got anything stronger yep Bob can you got that a chocolate milk every time I think I have a new hobby it turns out I just like to buy stuff yesterday I was at my Grandma's doctor appointment with her and the physician started lecturing her on cutting back on sugar and she interrupted him and said I am 90. I think I'm doing okay but thanks for the advice summer's officially over it's Fallout Boy came to Center parks for a much needed recharge with my eyes closed relaxing my six-year-old niece said quietly auntie your help I asked what went this one she replied I laughed and asked what's one opened my eyes and men with longer hair if you hear a voice that tells you to cut it that's the devil talking you have to ignore it at all costs I'm not joking throwing breaded Ducks bad for them old lady-ish throwing bread at me thank you damn Bae are you music theory because a lot of really weird dudes are interested in you ah did a CAT design this because there's no other being on the planet I could imagine wanting us to suffer more The Three Stooges out of character looks like the cast of a scarcity film directed by Martin Scorsese stooge Thrice only in theaters remember the correct response to the question are you ticklish is letting the person know you have a firearm telling you to put a towel down so I don't ruin your sheets and then crawling into bed with a popping hot bowl of french onion soup hey I didn't lie when I said I was gonna get hot and wet in your bed if you're giving me directions I won't remember anything you say after the second turn I'm just driving into the void if you play video games more than two to three hours a week you're wasting your life no yeah it helps you relax congratulations you're on the same spiritual level as a functional alcoholic hi Mark the urbanite you've been on Twitter since October 2020 and have 20 700 tweets which means you're averaging 40 tweets per day I just um really need to reflect on yourself there Halloween is coming up you know what that means it's time to dress sexy sexy Patrick got video links below the link is uh Sarah FM I got this oh no wait no had an actual wedding at our Chili's last night so excited for this couple and honored that they selected Chili's Durant for their wedding venue the whole dining room chanted at the first kiss I'm sorry chanted not cheered let's go wedding let's go let's go wedding how does this make you feel plumber boy oh man doesn't make me feel good when your divorced parents both show up at an event at school oh gross crazy how every member of One Direction's going to hell what Nile do his name is Nile like be for real hey wait is it Nile I don't care naming every color a thread blue uh float like a butterfly sting like my pee float like a butterfly and sting like a bee that's exactly how it goes date I thought you said we were going someplace private me from inside my pillow fort not even my cat is allowed in here okay so just chill 280 characters we only need these damn the ice cream Emoji broken too I don't want a man I just want a skunk a dog you know my girlfriend has one of these my ex has one of these wouldn't be surprised if my ex before that has one of these what is up with you girls and this fat little bear I found twenty dollars laying in the parking lot and thought to myself what would Jesus do so I turned it into wine called my high school claws I needed a copy of my diploma told this kid what year I graduated and she said let me see if we can go back that far I certainly hope you can leaving for work gives wife a quick kiss spends 10 minutes saying bye to the dog can't relate still waiting for my husband to apologize for what he did in my dream last night he's never gonna honey Steven Spielberg was only 26 when he made Jaws Michael Jackson was only 24 when he recorded Thriller who s e Hinton was only 19 when The Outsiders was published it's too late you need to give up yeah it's really hard not to compare oneself to the most successful people in history makes you feel like you're running out of time I'm 26. what have I done nothing some Radiohead songs be like uh I'm not doing it and it's the best song you'll ever listen to white people do be loving Radiohead shared a bit of pastry with a crow down by the lake Union Waterfront Crow brought me a gift a little Stone he rolled it over to my feet with his beak you have been accepted by the crow Army you will be spared honest question which I can't find the answer to do all the sirs uh McCartney Mick Jagger Kane Etc remain knighted or do they lose their titles now that the queen is gone they will all be buried with her is this true do all those who are knighted by her majesty really get buried within the same grounds of the queen it's quite interesting actually as I don't really know anybody knighted by King George the sixth yes they all get rounded up uh and then what oh right yeah I guess that means we're due to lose a lot of people my biggest Financial mistake was being in eighth grade in 2009 when I should have been buying foreclosed real estate I see the moon looking cool I just stand there and admire it not trying to get a pick we've been down that road what the amazing feats of mountain goats they're called Hooves dummy yeah what the hell Hooves that's how you say it don't know what you're all talking about with a Brendan Fraser comeback we've all been watching the mummy twice a year since 99. the king never left I get what you're saying Kevin but he most certainly was abused and over and treated like and pseudo-blacklisted for a long time so forgive us for being excited that he's getting a bit of a comeback that sudden realization that the girl five years ago was persistently trying to [ __ ] you and you were so oblivious you didn't notice that's because it's kind of rude to make any assumptions look I just have to say sometimes they're ignoring it on purpose because we've gone down that road before and it's ended very very very very poorly really poorly just saying life out there is weird man it's real weird I never want to be presumptuous I'm never ever ever going to think oh this person likes me they like me a lot no I'm just gonna think you're being nice that's it you'd have to [ __ ] wear a sign just for me and I still wouldn't do it your Mario Kart main reveals who you are in the streets and your Smash Bros main reveals who you are in the sheets let me see I don't really have much of a main for either since I play them so rarely but generally I play Koopa or one of the Koopas I guess in Mario Kart and it's my Smash Bro main when I was younger was Mr Game and Watch so I don't know what Mr Game and Watch reveals about me and the sheets I'm sure you guys can make something up and it'll sound about right but you know first you must answer his riddles and I'll just pee right on him [ __ ] out of my way for my funeral I'm going to have an open casket and everyone in attendance will be required to bring a nacho topping beans meat cheese sour cream lettuce Etc the efficient will take the nachos and toppings and dump them onto my cold dead body I will be a giant nacho platter never mind my mom says I can't do that I know she'd be running a McDonald's like it's the Navy I mean maybe I don't know nervous system when confident system walk I'm never drinking again a [ __ ] that's drinking again the next weekend or like me and you do it every night and ruin yourself Amazon offered my wife a book they thought she might be interested in it was my autobiography yeah but she bought it just to never read it John 1986 we gotta give the give what they want get me the hottest boys of Hollywood oiled up and play beach volleyball while staring into each other's eyes 2022 we got to give the women what they want uh get me John Boykin ham in a Navy uniform my boss told me I looked like I watched Star Trek and then as I was leaving she said May the force be with you wait no it's live fast and get or whatever and held up the hand salute so I guess it was a good day at work live fast and get flipped or whatever no no she's right she was very right you know you're old when you start drinking Coke from the gold can yeah honestly yeah we don't get any caffeinated sodas in the house anymore it sucks no caffeine sucks not the sodas the opposite of formaldehyde is casual to Jekyll I can't believe I read this post with my own freaking eyes you know when you've plugged your phone into a charger only to discover the charger wasn't ever plugged into an outlet Therefore your phone actually hasn't been recharged at all that's what going to sleep for the night as a parent is like hey I know someone that's got the pp socks most people don't know that Chris Pine is actually short for Christmas Pinecone no wonder he looked so pissed recently did Harry Styles spit on Chris pie line share your thoughts in the comments below just add authentic Italian pizza for the first time and I never want to eat American Pizza again as an Italian I thank you for this decision I can confirm he is Italian okay I'm gonna keep enjoying the American Pizza though because it's pretty good and it's a lot cheaper I don't have to go to Italy for it an app called air DND where traveling nerds can find a role-playing group to join for a night how meaningful can that campaign truly be girls are Holter than boys have you ever seen a heterosexual couple at a party the girls like babe please it's 1am can we go home and Bone and the guys like one sec babe me and the boys are arguing over our rankings of all the Coen brothers movies a chimpanzee who ran away from our Ukrainian zoo was talked into returning after zookeepers offered her a raincoat a hug and a bike ride chimp's an idiot I would have demanded two hugs plus several compliments Pokemon's fun because I get to crush a kindergartner's pet caterpillar and they have to give me nine hundred dollars it's insane to me that Polo is a sport that can only be played either in a pool or on a horse man whatever I'm just gonna keep playing badminton and Tennis this tweet is a great way for a lot of Americans to find out the British equivalent of Dollar General is called poundland you didn't know that haven't been watching that dude on YouTube that buys stuff from poundland and reviews it on his chair whatever anyways good to know everyone at poundland is mourning the loss of the queen that'll be 1994. pulls out fifty dollar bill sorry we've had a problem with counterfeit bills have anything smaller pulls out a 25 Bill happy Canada's Drag Race finale day this Crown is up for grabs who's gonna take it home this tweet has been deleted if baseball really wanted to get exciting they'd let a celebrity throw the last pitch base is loaded here's Danny DeVito being broke make me regret every decision I ever made like why I go to Subway that one time in 2017. one good thing about apples is that they don't make you go through a lot of drama about whether they're ripe or not unlike some other fruits I could mention apparently our dog has slowly cut a hole in our bedroom window Shawshank style while we're out and he's been letting himself out on the roof and just make sure she's back downstairs in her bed by the time we got home only found out because our neighbors snapped this picture genius little thing Home Depot's singular positive mark on American society is thanks to the unknown hero on some product committee who was like the people don't know what they want we'll show them and then gifted us the 12 foot tall skeleton happy enormous skeleton season to all who celebrate you know I actually got Lowe's version of this it's a 12-foot animatronic mummy skeleton that lights up and is way cooler because it's not just a giant statue don't get me wrong the Home Depot one's cool as hell but for the same price you'd get Lowe's as skeleton and it moves and it's awesome dead ass what's the deal with airplane food my guy yeah he's dressed very strange at least for him anyway good art confuses all the right people no wonder I don't understand myself this is what kids in grade 12 look like when you were in grade nine I see it this should cheer you up my friend went to Wales and checked into her Airbnb and look who was waiting for what the my four-year-old slipped half a corn cob in a water bottle and called it corn water screwed it tight checks it daily guards it scrupulously tonight he took a stealthy sip announced it needs another day I just realized he's making moonshine new shirt idea transparent pocket I had diarrhea for blank days in a row with number cards ah see I like it it's interactive in a way my favorite childhood memory is me and my cousin getting into shouting matches about what color my shirt was 15 years later we found out he was colorblind yeah uh I'm colorblind yes I can see color the amount of people that think that means you see black and white is actually really flipping astounding and hilarious no I'm not going to tell you what color something is just letting you know right now it's kind of a [ __ ] rude and annoying thing to do to someone who tells you they're colorblind is to point at something and demand they tell you the color I'm not your [ __ ] monkey right chill so many people have treated me like literal garbage over the years because they find out I don't know the difference between a slightly darker yellow and an orange or a purple and a blue or hello red and a pink sometimes man it's just a fairy Godmother's version of I need a hero from Shrek songs I'll eat you yep absolutely 100 this one wins my son on why Caleb is his best friend at kindergarten he doesn't really speak English so we can skip all the talking and just write to the karate do not gender bend your love songs at karaoke you are gay for the next four minutes that is fair what are these called spaced drugs I always call them Otter Pops Otter Pops are like the name brand ones they're a little bit smaller I I think they're better honestly but then you know you go to Walmart and they've got a pack of six thousand of them for 14 cents and they're huge when you're talking about the finest 80s movie [ __ ] you damn well better be ready to recognize the work of James Spader I think we should always be recognizing his work Taco is spicy taco my body is a temple okay mine's a rundown chain store they turned into a Spirit Halloween that's my dream dude spirit is legitimately Kick-Ass Todd toddler crying because it isn't her turn with the princess crown me sweetie you need to share just give her the crown you're 35. if you like your steak well done do not talk to me canceling plans is okay putting yourself first is okay going to Home Depot to buy a 12-foot skeleton husband is okay dressing him up with a fancy hat and bow tie is okay too do what you need to do to cope cope with what the fact that I'm no longer the same age as the protagonist of novels and films I once related to is so heartbreaking I age they don't the immortality of fiction is beautiful but cruel British people can finally stop faking their accent and talk normally oh thank God honestly the best thing about Thor love and thunder is Bow the god of dumplings probably my new favorite character in the entire MCU not gonna lie ah they did that fun Twitter joke where they made a Twitter account for the wow so cool you have amazing energy is a top tier compliment dear Amazon I bought a toilet seat because I needed one necessity not desire I do not collect them I'm not toilet seat addict no matter how temptingly you email me I'm not going to think oh go on then just one more toilet seat I'll treat myself one thing about me is that I love a trinket a little knick-knack a tiny tchotchke it has no useful function but is pretty or weird it's being displayed in my home I think that's why amiibos work I mean amiibos have a functionality I guess but not poison really let's be honest they're just cute little official statues this has 1984 Dune energy yes it does every time married couples talk about going through ups and downs the down always be cheating that's so boring and cliche why not work through something interesting like wire fraud

Channel: EmKay

Views: 2,720,478

Keywords: reddit, r/, subreddit, best of reddit, r/ top posts, top posts, top posts of all time, reddit top posts, 100% True stories, reddit true stories, top all time, reddit posts, reddit stories, ask reddit, funny reddit, emkay, memes, scams

Id: MBCGdZGTkkE

Length: 67min 11sec (4031 seconds)

Published: Sat Dec 03 2022