ALL OF r/NONPOLITICALTWITTER

if you're one of those public speakers that say good morning oh come on we can do better than that good morning i automatically do not like you from that moment on i hate that regardless how long will you guys leave out a glass of water in your house and still drink it it's not like it goes bad but after a while it's weird right it's not that it goes bad it's that more and more dust will get in there and then you're just drinking your own skin flakes if you decide to grab that bad boy 2021 2022 2023 will be lit what what uh no frantically putting on victorian era clothes as i bleed out must fit in with other ghosts oh i never thought about that good point i got a bunch of dental surgery and while waiting for a cab to go home a dude cat called me so i just let a ton of blood fall out of my mouth i wish i could do that on command because i've never seen a dude immediately regret his decision more oh man that sure would be an amazing talent you know being able to just spew some blood from your lips mmm get away from me conspiracy theory does family feud actually survey a hundred americans i did some math through the years around 1.2 million people should have been surveyed i've never heard of one person doing a family feud survey do they even exist or does the show just make up the answers they probably just make up the answers dude heard my six-year-old slowly and painstakingly reading a nat geo book about otters to his stuffed otter because i wanted him to know about his family well that kid's gonna go far man i'm gonna go plenty of places laffy taffy inventor and for the last taste test this is our banana flavor boss very good very good have you ever tasted a banana before i have not me neither i'm sure it's fine i don't know that banana flavor tastes like every other crappy artificial banana flavor maybe i'm crazy credit card chip machines are like do not remove your card do not hey look at me do not remove your card take your card out immediately or i'm burning this place to the ground there is no chill with any of those machines same thing with gas pumps my parents are replacing their coffee machine which is seven years old me that's not that old i have sheets older than that mother well perhaps your sheets aren't getting as much action as our coffee machine i'm going to need an ambulance now that right there is a true mom one day i'm gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe as we all shouldn't i literally spit out my water your child searched restricted topics all right let's see what do they read teaching crabs how to read alright then not bad the reason most of us stay up late is because we don't want our free time to end and tomorrow to start yeah isn't it funny how that works humans do not get free time i was leaving kroger's and this woman is outside with her baby in a stroller asking for money i was about to give her some money this man yells out don't give her ass no money that baby ain't real then he runs over and kicks the stroller i'll be damned the baby wasn't real she yelled damn you gary shout out to gary he the real scam police no gary be out here like not on my watch god damn how do you know that though fun fact in less than four years you'll be able to see 20 years ago under youtube videos and that's horrifying oh my god don't say that you cannot say that do you understand me oh man some of jacksfilms videos are going to be 20 years old i can't believe he's 85 already my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like no and she was like well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that's how i met your grandfather apparently the random funeral was my grandpa's dad's funeral my grandma went to a funeral and picked up the dead guy's son i aspire to be her you know man it was a different time different generation just different all around dude how come on star trek they say they're gonna boldly go where no man has gone before and then when they get there there's always some guys that's a fair question it is star trek though stop saying my standards are too high just because i intend to marry a plucky librarian and archaeologist who throws knives and knows how to hold her liquor and accidentally summons the spirit of imhotep i know it's not pronounced imhotep but just roll with me on this alright it's a silly funny tweet have fun betty white was 17 days from being a hundred but she lived through more than 17 leap years so those extra days count to me she made it you're damn right betty white made it i'm very happy that people still ran her 100th birthday issue it was worth it okay i'm sorry it was deserved betty white was this [ __ ] my boyfriend's jim brodude broke up with him hey bro i'm gonna start going alone i don't get the same pumps with some of your workouts like i do alone i was talking to the big black dude and it has a lot to do with the fact that we have different body types then i'm just talking about chest and back workouts arms legs and abs are always amazing with you well that's really sad is your boyfriend okay science fact it is impossible for a man to strap down any kind of a load in a trailer without saying that's not going anywhere as he tightens the rope that's right that is a hundred percent correct and it always will be when i was a little kid i thought this little pig went to market meant it went shopping hmm yeah i know what you mean it doesn't make me happy either the y2k translucent age was beautiful yes the y2k aesthetic institute is one of my favorite places on the internet and hey look we're getting closer to this coming back we're going through the 90s right now because people are letting the 80s kind of die down a little bit but once the 90s is done oh oh we are gonna get the y2k aesthetic back and i'm excited i can't be the only one who feels let down whenever i open a game case to this i can't be the only one that thinks that's a monumental [ __ ] waste of any type of resource for that i know you like to collect the cases i get it i understand my mom used to make potato soup i would sit at the table for hours and refuse to take a bite my wife just made potato soup it's the most delicious thing i've ever had my kids won't touch it you deserve this oh you deserve it hardcore johnny cash i shot a man in reno just to watch him die johnny cash's lawyer johnny i'm begging you you cannot keep saying that i think the reason i'm not more upset about the death of betty white is that it's hard for me to imagine a universe that didn't grant her the ability to simply choose to die at will 99 years old on new year's eve right before her birthday seems like a betty white move legend the purge for 12 hours everything is legal even murder so like everything including immigration violations uh and export restrictions on encryption algorithms that's not really um and software piracy for sure right look hey all crime is legal which means it's no longer crime for that period you know what i'm saying do whatever the hell you want man well actually don't please don't in a sense none of our dinosaurs have ever escaped because society itself is just another larger cage yeah that sounds smart but yeah like 18 to 19 dinosaurs are currently loose though my boyfriend got me a hematite ring that breaks when it's absorbed too much negative energy from my life it only took a month and i need a new one i need to start selling poor quality items and products and marketing them like this yeah the crystal girls will buy them up in a heartbeat half of twitter is half as depressed and the other half is bad at doing math ah like man bear pig half man half bear half pig i wish i could google search my own mind and just type in stuff like what are my favorite movies or what was the name of the place with the really good egg ah well it wasn't jack in the box i once read that people who lived alongside orangutans have a belief or legend that orangutans can actually speak but they refused to because humans would put them to work if they knew i think about that a lot because it's true we would so maybe they can i just can't stop imagining a little troop of orangutans vibing in a tree and chatting until a human comes along and they're like oh shut the [ __ ] up they'll make us pay taxes makes me really sad that yeah we would we would do that to them i just witnessed a lady throw away the center of a cinnamon roll the center of a cinnamon roll the greatest bite of the roll the reason you get it the center of the cinnamon roll the world is full of absolute monsters monsters why are there no night museums there are three movies explaining what happens at night to the museums yeah those documentaries really opened our eyes you weren't paying attention were you during lockdown i wrote a script and sent it to various people i've just received this email from someone at netflix never give up on your dreams dear mr heenan thank you for the script it's one of the best we've ever read the writing is superb it's tense funny and non-stop action the only problem is it's the script to die hard you literally sent us the script to die hard and change the title to mr no-shoes and the shooty shooty bang bang christmas never contact us again i don't know i need to watch his version though title change or not i think it's gonna be better i don't know who needs to hear this but throw away that box your iphone came in you'll never need that i don't know see i take care of my stuff i don't let it get all picked up so when it's time for me to get a new device i can sell the other one you see what i'm talking about here the amount of people i've seen absolutely abuse their stuff is insane especially when it's an eleven hundred dollar bone i will be your nft girlfriend you can't ever touch or interact with me in real life of course but if you pay me enough money you can go around telling people i'm yours even though you're just the certificate someone just called my nine-year-old gay on xbox and he responded i'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on i'm not intervening me you know how you always wanted an ostrich um no insane amount of noise coming from the kitchen while i struggled to keep the door closed my boyfriend said you look like if paddington was in the matrix oh my god he's right men should understand that some of these girls bring friends to a date because of safety not for your food and drinks then why are they eating and drinking some of them should be outside checking the perimeter my dog is cuter than yours fight me my ruse worked now i have hundreds of dog photos to look at when i'm down oh that sick bastard remember when my pilot messaged me on grindr at 30 000 feet in the air i see you're on my flight enjoy the ride to chicago i'd be a little scared hello i'm an adult in a christmas movie i don't believe in santa but i've also never bought my children even one of the presents they receive every year they just appear and i'm fine with this reality this is neither confusing nor horrifying question for lawyers my girlfriend wants her parents to stay with us for the holidays her dad is retired navy can i use the third amendment to prevent this from happening i don't know if he's retired i doubt it my sister and i are having a mac and cheese battle to see who gets to cook it for thanksgiving mine's on the left hers is on the right who y'all with i think both y'all need to be in prison yeah i don't like what i'm looking at here a lot imagine if parent-slash-teacher conferences existed in college dad so how's my son doing i've never seen this man in my life pleasure to have in class a plus student fat people worry about being judged at the gym truth is people who are actually physically fit they look on and think respect you're making the changes if that's you know that the next time you feel anxious at the gym vital update my roadrunner porch buddy used to run away if i wanted a picture but now when he catches a lizard he knocks on my door and then parades his catch around and poses it's amazing who's a good boy mr meet me oh isn't that just adorable romeo juliet is the son neil degrasse tyson loudly from the balcony no she isn't beyonce made a song called single ladies then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy and made the money i'm totally against the selfie stick but every now and then an exception comes along it's rare but it happens there's a machine at darlow train station that charges your phone two pounds for 20 minutes someone's unplugged it and is charging their phone in its socket suck it so how's the dating going lauren absolutely class i thanks not only did i nearly kill a man but i'm now responsible for him losing an internal organ incredible work oh um oh get well soon you absolute prawn wow dating is fun for you huh my 87 year old grandfather recently got a facebook and this is the first thing he sends me hey courtney just to let you know that you're not the only one in the family with graphical art talents yeah courtney deal with it no offense but if someone's excited about something and you make them feel stupid for being excited about it you're the worst type of person yeah i don't deal with those people anyone that does that to me you don't get a chance i'm done when i was a kid i thought hacking was all about writing matrix like code when in reality it's just sending boomers emails that say give me your passwords and they do yeah man that social conditioning is a [ __ ] my son put some tricks in his ant farm instead of eating them the ants dug up all of the dead ants in the farm and piled them on top of the tricks not sure what that means but i'm not eating tricks anymore my mother handed me 20 pounds take your brother to see a movie for his birthday keep him out until two while your father and i set up the surprise party that was the day i realized my brother was the favorite twin ouch wendy's needs to get rid of the square burger it seems a little too artificial unlike the super natural circle shape that hamburgers come in when you pick them off the vine silence checkmark a very annoying brain feature i have is what i call waiting mode like today i have to leave for an mri at 2 45. unfortunately at 12 30 or so my brain decided to activate waiting mode which means that instead of getting anything done i just have to sit there and wait oh i have this but it starts about uh 24 hours before the appointment how do you politely tell your visitor that it's time to go home well if you're from the midwest you just say well really forcefully and slap your knees with your hands then stand up other midwesterners will recognize the single and say suppose we should head out as well a blue whale is larger than a basketball court americans will use anything but the metric system come within three whales of america and say that why don't you arby's is buying buffalo wild wings for 2.9 billion where the did arby's get 2.9 billion dollars from dude they have the meats they've got a whole monopoly on the meats what do you mean where'd they get the money from they own it all i painted this for my husband it was the first piece i ever finished he never stops talking about the cat he had growing up so this was the best i could give him i love this painting a lot i know it doesn't mean anything to me but i would buy this and hang it on my wall it's just adorable never forget the time my brother missed the bus and wrote my mom this note i missed the bus as your son i regret to inform you that i've missed my means of public transportation i know you must be on a roller coaster of emotions right now but rest assured i've decided to stay home this was a tough decision to make while you were gone for 20 minutes i'm probably in my bed uh something about the fact that i can't go to school so please don't interrupt me if you require any further assistance please see the pros and cons chart on the back side pros first day home this quarter grade will be fine today was gonna be a bad one can't get over my hair cons might become a habit you have to call the school and tell them i've got polio this kid was prepared every day i think about how this movie is the reason why the seuss estate won't allow any more live action adaptations of the books dude that movie rocked and you can kiss my left butt cheek jupiter high on caffeine sleep deprived and doing its best to take care of 79 moons oh i need to take the biggest poop getting bored of 69 and 420 they should release new funny numbers oh now there's nothing funny about the number of my murder victims yes that's right 388 000 i just realized harry and the boys never had regular classes no english math science or history hogwarts alumni are probably dumb as hell considering it's canon that they just poop in the corner of a room and then magic it away i'm not surprised basic sanitary care people you learn it in preschool honestly we'll never top the year i told everyone i was going to be amelia earhart for halloween and then didn't show up to the party i like this this is more on the nose than invisible man this season of earth is just not realistic it's just not so many plot holes like where did the murder hornets go why introduce them if they aren't important to the story oh yeah they're very honest i forgot about that a drunk girl at this party asked me so like what's your backstory i said scoliosis and she said with complete sincerity that's crazy i'm a libra bank's email like um we have a message for you in your inbox and then the message is like hello we are your bank yes please why send me an email to notify me of an email it is an email inbox it is not a notification board this is not facebook do not poke me empty tubes of wrapping paper what do you do with them pretend it's a lifesaver or b bonk it on someone's head um excuse me where is the option of c both my friend adam has never texted me for a normal reason tyler are you free at seven and do you want to be on our bowling league for the night we're down a player oh my god he's from gta 4 random question do you want to go to a comedy show with my parents and me at 7 30 at greenwich village hey do you happen to have a cowboy hat you're not using tonight tyler i am once again asking the bowling question why is it so formal are you sure you're not friends with bernie it was very stringy you ever been to a pumpkin patch yeah got proof okay that looks like cabbage that's probably why the pie sat as i handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said you know one would have been enough father now you've done 65. we are so close we cannot stop now please no more bring out card 51 it has glitter i don't know what to say join our group catholics against seedless watermelons it is impure meanwhile down the street join the seedless watermelons against catholics yes the hate has festered so strongly that we've developed sentience sadly 500 people sure to make it an even match when a girl says i'm cold don't be an idiot and say me too that's some weirdly respectful advice coming from someone named chad instead say well damn jackie i can't control the weather that's right emotional aggression displays confidence it's easy to have the courage of a lion they're gigantic and have claws and no natural predators have the courage of a guinea pig a two-pound meat potato with zero offensive or defensive abilities that will scream at an ape 100 times its size if their lettuce is too wilty mankind wasn't meant to work in december we were meant to hide from wolves drink and play our autumn harvest to alight us through the dark months tell me why the frick my brother took comparison photos in the same spot without me it looks like i died but crush you don't understand you are dead gorgeous my guide dog in training visited a local school recently which turned out to be the school picture day today they sent me this he may not be a school captain but he's still the goodest boy of the year my childhood dream has come true canadian eatery puts tiny chairs around the little table that comes inside pizza boxes as an australian i've never once experienced a pizza box with a little table in it nice to know that our pizza places are a bit more environmental friendly but also i feel like i've missed out on childhood history kids who memorized how to say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious are now addicted to drugs no i'm just addicted to caffeine it's totally different the man in front of me on the flight home this weekend watched the first 15 minutes of citizen kane turned it off and then watched the entirety of elf hey the man knows good cinema 2011 was the year movie's finally nailed stylized hyper realism in 3d animated movies without it looking like the uncanny valley and then proceeded to never do so ever again yes rango i swear it deserved far more respect when it came out my boyfriend historian published two books basically a public intellectual looking at a picture of a triceratops does this animal still exist as i hoisted my own luggage into the trunk my very polish cab driver impressed shouted stronger fan and this is the only way i wish strange men to speak with me moving forward i mean it's complimenting still but also very aggressive what's upsetting about hearing my neighbor have it on was realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we're best friends multiple times a day every microwave has a popcorn button and every bag of popcorn says do not use that button i'm tired of these flirty little games americans have 33 billion dollars worth of unused tech just sitting around according to new report gamestop values it at six dollars not me catching a flight to utah to meet this man i met online two days ago with only 120 in my account he said i won't eat anything not even bags ted bundy would be doing triple doubles every day in this generation i wish animal crossing was real and my only plans for tomorrow were getting up and watering my tulips then hanging out with my cat friends then finding money in trees to pay off my debt to a raccoon you know most of that is completely doable in real life i mean the raccoon thing's debatable but i'm sure if they dress up in one the hardest part about falling in love with my local 7-eleven cashier is knowing she'll never go out with me as she scans my double gulp cup full of nacho cheese hashtag heartbroken i've been wearing my boyfriend's hoodie around the house for the last week i tried to give it back last night that's not my hoodie realized with horror i've been wearing our builder's hoodie in front of the builder i had a little sleeping at one point came out my room said good morning to the builder wearing his clothes after years of them begging to see it i decided to let my kids watch the rain we're watching it together so far i've had to explain vcrs landline phones photo development stores newspapers what other horrors await in the ring oh the constant pausing and playing must be absolutely terrifying you're either good at eating pootang or you understand nfts what the hell's even a putang i explained to my daughter that when netflix started they used to send you dvds my six-year-old in an old lady voice you know back in my day the internet used to come in the mail oh child yes yes that was a very clever joke someone crucified that guy who made our table a guy who only knew jesus from his carpentry the color of 2022 is gamecube blue next year is blessed now i am a male but even i can debate that is a slightly different shade than pantone i'm sorry to disappoint you blue eyes one jesus christ what is that name you really want cetera kyber to notice you don't you does anyone else ever just crave the wafer of a kitkat and wash the chocolate off hey what what the frick did i do you know what you did you done got what you deserved the 80s on netflix versus the 80s in real life oh don't acknowledge the best smoking habits as a very old person i feel qualified to say that most modern media set in the 80s failed to capture how freaking brown everything was yeah there's a very apparent reason as to why a lot of 80s uh out there fashion was overly colorful and bright me watching bake off you fool you can't dip the walnut world in the tempered chocolate you have to drizzle it over the top to achieve the characteristic wobble of the coffee ganache parisian cafe style me baking at home i forgot to put the apples in the apple pie what was that magic spell to make my poo disappear as well oh that's it aggio feces to make a tv show you need one banana shaped man and one orange shaped man let me explain it's true one of the most iconic lettering styles of all time [Music] i just told a story at work about my childhood that i thought was really funny but now everyone's super quiet and someone said i'm so sorry uh oh you've done it you can't put the worms back in when my two-year-old plays animal crossing all she does is go straight to brewster's drink 10 cups of coffee hang out in the fish section of the museum for an hour and then stop playing there's a strong chance she's the only one of us playing correctly yeah i'd say it's more than just a strong chance if you're an astronaut and you don't end every relationship by saying look i just need space then you're wasting everyone's time well there are very few of them okay they can't all be this cool comedians like to complain that other jobs don't get paid in exposure but to be fair surgeons don't have a beer mid-surgery and announced they're going to try out some new stuff why not they deserve to have some fun pretty wild coincidence that the best music ever made just so happens to be all of the stuff i listen to from the ages of 15 to 25 and saying how that works huh one thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because like it's a really good box i've got so many boxes i don't need what are you eating breakfast burrito that's a regular burrito that i am eating for breakfast pay attention saw this cloud and thought it looked like a girl sleeping so one thing led to another and i sketched this that's a cowboy hat actually yeah i agree my apartment's pest control guy always refers to richie my cat as a fellow industry professional and he's correct he's just not getting paid for some reason the human has only smiled once today it was one i rolled over with my feet in the air and sneezed it wasn't on purpose but they seemed to really enjoy it so since then i've been lying on my back desperately trying to sneeze now you'll get there keep going count dracula was 412 when he moved to england in search of new blood sauron was 54 000 years old when he forged the one ring cthulhu had seen galaxies flare into life and fade into darkness before he put madness on the minds of men it's never too late to follow your dreams that is the most inspiring thing i've heard today after 30 years of living i've just realized that liam is short for william i mean i guess remembering that time in grad school when my advisor a great ornithologist got a random call drunk guy bar noises in the background is this the bird professor um yes do hummingbirds have feet yes while cheering from over the phone the problem with 10 30 pm is that it comes exactly one minute before 2 30 am if you're not careful i'm never careful my son's school taught him to say bon appetit you may now eat before every meal and i'm gonna really miss that when he's 14 and tells me to go [ __ ] myself i often daydream about winning the powerball and buying the license to yeah okay i get it friends is bad friends is bad blah blah blah it's objectively very well written bye-bye feel free to dress [ __ ] at my funeral that's what i would have wanted feel free to use me as a puppet at mine i still think non-fungible sounds like it means cannot be turned into a mushroom is that not what it means girls will be like if i turned into a miniature pie would you eat me in one bite or a few and get mad at your answer well i mean the way i see it i'm gonna be biting more than a few times i need to savor that you a snack although literally now apparently everybody's mad they redesigned andy for toy story 4. meanwhile i'm grateful we don't have to look at this golem anymore yeah i don't know why people would be mad about them making him look like a human i hope google never shuts down i know like six maybe seven things dude it became a verb i don't think it's ever just gonna shut down one day today i gave an iphone and 500 to a homeless guy you'll never know the happiness i felt when he put his gun away oh just giving back you know me here comes greg he's always talking about scarecrows hey man oh my god shut the [ __ ] up greg why are it guys such dicks last week i drove two hours to push the power button on a server that three separate people assured me was already on yeah you deserve to be every now and then just could you guys stop wearing hawaiian shirts and shorts i love when a song is maybe about jesus or maybe about a hot woman hey the best songs are ones that seem like they could be about jesus but you're never sure like most of owl city songs my knee just cracked so loudly that i half expected it to glow in the dark tonight it sucks that it didn't i cannot stop laughing our sincerest apologies dear adam this morning you received our weekly recipe of the week email which is sent to you every friday in today's email we highlighted a grilled meatloaf recipe at the time we shared this recipe with you we were not aware of the unfortunate passing of american singer and actor mr marvin lee a day or whatever i don't give a [ __ ] also known as meatloaf that is hilarious android game you can watch a 30 second ad and revive me no thanks plays a 30 second unskippable ad anyway and gives me nothing in return it's just complete scamware i don't care how bad the relationship is i'm not calling a radio station for advice well good it's 20 22. you don't need to do that anymore i love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs i was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me so i left as i turned the corner i could hear his owner telling him reproachfully you always do this oscar you drive away all your friends america got bronze and skateboarding we truly are a culture in decline that's what happens when you send the skaters that can pass a drug test ain't that the truth man it's crazy that we kept trying to top heath ledger's joker with more scary jokers instead of putting sasha baron cohen in the brightest purple suit we could find and letting him mine a kind of terror that we weren't ready for that man oh he could have done something real freaky deaky you know what i mean it would be awful last night my son asked if i'd ever heard of a pillow fight i said i had not so he explained the premise and asked if i would play i awkwardly held a pillow as he gave me pointers through a smile that lit up the room my first swing took him off his feet he never saw it coming and he learned a valuable lesson like never going to i funny i'll never forgive the kid who told me i had my [ __ ] lined up like the pizza hut logo in front of everyone [ __ ] you marcus before my mom passed away she gave my dad strict instructions to water the plants in the bathroom he's been religiously watering them and keeping them alive they look so amazing he decided to take them to his new home only discover they are plastic can hear my mom chuckling ah that's a good one omg in minnesota right now it's negative 15 degrees and a truck crashed and all of the potatoes it was hauling spilled out and are now frozen to the freeway so now nobody can drive on the frozen potato freeway all i heard was free potatoes how can everyone in fantasy movies always be so shocked when they see a dragon look around babe you're an elf you live in a realm waiter would you like a super salad clark kent laughs nervously a super salad i'll just have a regular salad please all right a regular salad for a regular man a 500 year old skeleton was found in london wearing thigh-high leather boots her name is madonna show some respect the funniest thing i've ever said was on april 11 2009 to my dad's cat and no one else was around to hear it a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said oh is your ride here and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight that was the funniest thing you've ever said a little girl just came up to the ice cream truck and asked if she could buy ice cream with a blue rock she found i am now one blue rock richer my finances yo that ain't bad though that's a good trade new roommate okay the ground rules yeah dude the ground rocks rule number one no more of that i'd rather repeatedly take scooters to the ankle than have one of those jobs where you have to approach people in the street and get them to sign up for oh nope i'd rather die still not over how yesterday when my flight landed in nashville our pilot said we arrived 50 minutes early because he took some shortcuts sir we were in the sky what do you mean wormhole don't worry about it only pilots know i want to hang out sim style i go to your house we talk for 30 seconds i make myself spaghetti in your kitchen and become best friends with your mom playing skyrim the quaker way no weapons listening to every npc that i pass picking flowers ah someone just emailed me a professional email that ended in we could have snipped it in the butt earlier snipped it in the butt nipped it in the bud correct nipped it in the butt incorrect snipped it in the butt in corrector what's the incorrect desk then god to make you all safer i've made sure 50 of humanity is alert in the morning and 50 in the evening humans will make the other 50 also get up in the morning hold on not getting up at 5am is a moral failure no stop society demands that you bum as someone who took her husband's last name i don't recommend it not for feminist reasons but because sometimes i forget how to spell it ah i see woman sits down next to me sees him and says he's taken up two seats right okay i think millennials killed the i hate my spouse genre of humor and honestly i'm so proud of us this used to be like half of all jokes yeah old people really only thought that hating your wife was funny everything else was too naughty the guy fixing our internet has gone through so many troubleshooting options he just stood up and was like i gotta check if the grimster is in and started calling someone the grimster didn't help so now he's calling his friend tyler he was like tyler's the man he would know tyler had the solution comcast guy i'm so glad i called tyler dude you have to have your aches in the hole we currently have no duke of edinburgh york or sussex i don't want to alarm anyone but we are again exposed to viking marauders on the eastern flank oh you guys are going down ninety percent of my web searches are me googling words to make sure they actually mean what i think they mean before i post them online kind of the same for me but i'm also making sure i'm not misspelling them in some stupid way somehow due to expected severe weather monday's weightlifting workout has been cancelled find an elderly or disabled neighbor and shovel their driveway don't accept any money that's our monday workout do you think santa would still be popular if instead of going ho ho ho he did the feel good in class i know i'd like santa a lot more oh boy if nfts has a million haters i'm one of them no i get it ratio ratio yeah keep trying keep trying friend you'll you'll never get there why is the chosen one always a teenager we're really going to put the fate of the universe on someone with an undeveloped prefrontal cortex give me a story with a chosen one who's a 42 year old mom that's already seen some and is totally out of [ __ ] to give i'd watch that anime in a heartbeat i was extremely upset on a family vacation once and i asked my brother how he always stays so calm and he says he tries not to think about anything that isn't boobs or swords and every day i try to live up to that example boobs or swords that's pretty legit a high school reunion but instead of classmates it's all your favorite co-workers you've had from past jobs throughout your lifetime oh that'd be fun my daily routine with adhd wake up do nothing for five hours panic do stuff in a panic for one to two hours hyper fixate on doing one thing for four hours the wrong thing existential dread make pact with myself to break out of this pattern tomorrow repeat pattern tomorrow hey screw you man i used to think i could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks and i just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do that's ducks for you tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside 45 minutes later she's still keeping pace it's inhuman everyone on the train is screaming i'm begging her to stop but she can't hear me her eyes are pure white police helicopters circle overhead ladies and gentlemen i present to you the smartest animals al wearing graduation cap worm in an apple wearing glasses it's true my school books say something it's crazy that we kept trying to top heath ledger's joker with more scary jokers instead of putting sasha baron cohen in the brightest purple suit we could find and let him mine a kind of terror that we weren't ready for no no daniel he is on to something i would like to see this at a skatepark older dude outside the fence sees me and yells so i did one he then turns to his friend and says holy schmidt he actually did it wow cool story random skateboarder on the internet did you find this humiliating or liberating i was just happy to make it first try mike perry asking for the halo theme song for his walkout and getting halo by beyonce instead is one of the funniest things to happen and it's not talked about enough yes i imagine that is his face indeed when they came on no my masculinity mike perry [Music] just helped a russian man find a fedora at target he looked at himself in the mirror said yeah this looks good i like it then he turned to me and said when you turn 60 like me women don't look at you anymore you get fat and start dying we are all born to die okay what's that got to do with the fedora though man come on my boyfriend told me that when we started talking he saw i tweeted about how i'd fall in love when i met a man who didn't use three in one shampoo so he went to the store that night to buy shampoo and conditioner because he didn't want to risk it thanks fellas we figured it out carson delosa printing company is where this art comes from no actual source and an artist so i conclude there is no human being behind this and this company spawned out of nowhere and generates this art like some sort of scp i learned today that a group of students used a google doc to take lecture notes they all took notes simultaneously in a collective file as they took notes they would mark places they were confused or couldn't follow the lecture other students would see and explain real time at the end of the semester as they are prepping for finals they have this massive document of notes questions and explanations from peers i don't know where they learned this or if they just came up with it together but it is amazing truly brilliant collaboration and sociality that word this is great but you just know there's one pessimistic lecturer or teacher out there who's gonna ban this sort of behavior helping each other learn that's cheating my girlfriend is crying weeping while playing mario kart are you gonna let me win one frick now i'm not taking a dive because you don't know how to aim with green shells this is real life grow up i dumped my girlfriend in eighth grade and by the end of the day she was dating someone else yesterday she married him a little much to get my attention don't you think move on babe my boyfriend said you look like if paddington was in the matrix you know what accurate what's a little known but obvious fact that will immediately make all of us feel stupid percentages are reversible 8 of 25 is the same as 25 of eight and one of them is much easier to do in your head human we have a color named after you salmon oh really is it silvery blue like my outsides no uh wait why is it pink um why is it pink adele's oprah concert proves she didn't lose her voice with those pounds she lost weight she didn't make a deal with a sea witch harry potter befriending the first two people he meets on the way to school and staying friends with them until death is the most relatable part of the series i disagree i think that's the most unrelatable part those three genuinely had no other progress or paths in their life to take that would separate them come on someone please anyone develop and require two-factor authorization to use reply all in emails i beg of you any other [ __ ] with astigmatisms want to square up with the inventor of led headlights we ride but not a dog or none of the science fiction stories i read in my youth predicted everybody would be afraid to answer their phones due to non-stop harassment from robots well thanks for making me more self-aware of something that i realize i do have a fear of officially starting a rumor that the dudes from dave and busters are the same as the dudes from barnes and noble dave barnes and buster noble why not who freaking cares when my wife who's shy's frick first met my extended family we had a big dinner with about 14 people at the end of the meal i said to say thanks she'd love to sing for you all everyone went silent and stared at her and she still hasn't forgiven me nine years later mainly because she divorced me meanwhile thoughts of dog there are so many assumptions in the household right now the odds that a snack will hit the floor at the highest they have been in several years snack sniffer on high grade alerts school dress code update students cannot wear clothing with the name of any musician or band unless the student can name at least three of their songs the eighth grader who said i saw nirvana was a clothing brand last week has been suspended indefinitely if a movie character gets shot here they're required to keep it to themselves for a while later in the movie they must open their shirt or jacket revealing an alarming amount of blood followed by another character saying you're hurt this is law how can we recognize when something is strawberry scented when actual strawberries don't even have a smell this tweet is taking me off because it makes sense i feel like everyone worships avocado and i'm struggling because it tastes like compressed wet grass love but nobody will listen and i'm all alone in this world please let me just pretend i don't relate please hey man do you dry off your face after a shower with the same towel you use to dry your balls or do you have a separate ball towel you start with the face then head on down the towel forgets everything by tomorrow i'm sure a damn tries to home security reminder a lot of people are going away for christmas which makes their homes easy pickings for burglars for security reasons i strongly recommend leaving one of your children behind to construct a series of elaborate booby traps and defend your interests so that's why our birth rates have been skyrocketing since home alone having children makes so much sense to me now lines my husband has actually used in the last 24 hours well the turkey is dressed now let's get you undressed the turkey is stuffed want to be next now that you've mashed the potatoes i want to mash you the turkey is in the oven let's go pretend we can put something in yours look these are disgusting i'll be honest if someone puts down a plus four card you must draw four and your turn is skipped you can't put down a plus two to make the next person draw six we know you've tried it oh what about a plus four and a plus four no you don't even know how to play the game right yeah why the hell you gotta get keep your own game like that how dare you it just took 93 year old mum to vote she's registered blind in a loud voice she said which box for war with franks a cheer went up from waiting voters you want me to drink water the thing that killed jack in titanic no thank you gotta respect the longevity of microsoft word nothing about it works and it's still the standard want to move an image go to hell edit a pdf edit your expectations ignore a spelling mistake how about suck my duck that'd be 150 just remember a story i was told last night about this guy who took sack and started talking to his dog and the dog taught him to stop calling him buster because his name was dave and after that day the dog only responded to dave oh that's disturbing when i was in 9th grade i got caught selling money my mom was devastated so she transferred me to a rich private school thinking that was going to help the situation but in reality she gave me a promotion is the grinch his name or his ethnicity or his job yes me pre-kids i'm never gonna lie to my kids ever me with kids i just got off the phone with santa the firefighter dog from paw patrol and the green power ranger and they all agree if you don't put your shoes on they're gonna have to put down another unicorn i set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my three-year-old crawling inside it to hide i casually zipped it up yelled i'm off to the airport everybody and carried it to the car i've circled the block twice and my luggage hasn't stopped laughing okay that's cute but uh maybe put some holes in that thing just uh just to be safe came over to see what my daughter was listening to on spotify what oh no are you worried that your daughter has good taste make parties more interesting by telling strangers i want you to know that i personally have no problem with you being here oh thank you uh me professor x yes i can read minds me yes i suppose the name alvin and the chipmunks alludes to himself not being one huh my favorite part while seeing the batman movie shot of a dark alley next to some criminals kid in the audience batman's in there nothing happens and the scene changes kid in the audience again i'm sorry everyone i thought he was in there yeah that happened for sure man why was there always a bite taken out of one of these mofos i think it's because it was a popular toy to use with your dog or in very very very rare occasions your cat yeah man it was like a dog toy and feral toddler toy gen z will never understand growing up with parents who basically poured a gallon of milk into your body with a funnel every day because big milk told them if we didn't drink enough our bones would go soft and we'd turn into pudding people and get kidnapped at them all gen x did have some weird beliefs oh it's true this is what i picture in my head whenever radio stations say they have the best mix of 80s 90s and today it's been today for 21 years you can't keep getting away with this i mean almost 22 now drew but no you you make a good point you make a good point i like the radio stations that do 80s 90s and whatever because then they avoid this entirely mr goodin i don't understand why people would want to get rid of pigeons they don't bother no one thank you mr michael tyson my right hand i shall carry 30 bags of groceries at once my left hand i got the bread human dna contains all the necessary genes to produce feathers it's merely a matter of selective activation well selectively activate them then finally we can stop being featherless bipeds where's my on switch grows feathers and bursts into an auditorium behold a chicken i ask my students to send me photos of their dogs doing classwork it's an underappreciated photography genre i'll say it's underappreciated i want to see some more my parents are replacing their coffee machine which is 7 years old me that's not that old i have sheets older than that well perhaps your sheets aren't getting as much action as our coffee machine oh your mom just killed you oh brutal cold-blooded murder need to postpone hi rachel i've lost control of the day easily the most relatable email i've ever received just in case nobody told you today don't overthink it thank you thank you very much i needed that ah your daily dose of easter island head great the gum gum guy from night at the museum strikes again cannot believe i used to complain about school nine to three every day no weekends six weeks off for the summer easter halls never seen that done before bank halls inset days seeing my friends every day i was living the absolute dream and i didn't even realize good for you i was actually quite depressed the entire time dying sounded pretty good during school but i'm glad that you look back on it thinking wow that would be good to go back to i was not born to work retire and die i was born to brood wear a lot of black and eventually become a feared poltergeist you will wearing this to regal cinema tonight then saying in my deepest voice possible one ticket to sing two no you have to prove that you gotta make a video of that you have to i once watched a colleague who had just returned to work after maternity leave highlight every email in her inbox and press delete when she saw the look on my face she shrugged and said if they really need to talk to me they'll find me i think of her nearly every day we should all just start doing that when i broke up with my high school boyfriend my 10 year old brother walked in on me crying and asked what was wrong i told him then he proceeded to go log on to minecraft join my ex's party and go set their town on fire a family of psychos no no he's just a good family member man at bedtime the eight-year-old told me his teacher said this think of your mind like a pond full of fish and each fish is a feeling try to be the pond not the fish and all i can say is primary school has significantly improved i'm trying to do that right now and it's not working i am a pond of stress there's a line in the batman where they reveal the riddler has over 500 online followers like that's a lot jesus only had 12 so one was a hate follow oh yeah i've been alive 20 years and still haven't found the right thing to say when someone knocks on the door of the public bathroom you're in come in i saw this and i was like it's coming in four years but no now i need a minute euphoria season 3 will not release until 2024. here's the internet's take on the series so far oh yeah damn you know that nintendo ds is almost 20 years old i feel like the irony of a band called franz ferdinand having their number one song titled take me out is probably lost on the majority of their listeners i doubt it i really doubt that's lost on anybody that listens to a band named franz ferdinand can we normalize not confusing someone's free time with their availability yeah just because i'm not doing anything does not mean you get to volunteer me for my kids scored 69 points and a hand of uno and said according to the memes a funny number why is it funny i asked according to the memes how old is this child three years old in the super genius lord please take this gas out of my stomach and put it in my car soon we'll be able to run our cars on farts my boss deactivated my co-workers email who just quit too quickly and didn't realize it controls our company calendar so now all of those events for the next three years are gone just had a great conversation with my cat we discussed the following is he a little baby he is in fact a little baby the fact that he's very cute the origin of how he got to be so cute why he is so little and details as to how he's a good boy this is the same conversation i have with munchkin like 30 times a day you ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist he whispers 12 30. but he's guesstimating as shrimps usually do hostage or not sometimes it's nice being held that's fair daniel that is fair a pro post of nothing apropos a pro never mind i would like them to remind you all the time of who was so committed to historical accuracy that he googled a recipe for red dye copied the first result into his book and did not ever realize that it was from legends of zelda breath of the wild oh fantastic what a great book study three years for degree three more for phd join lab start working spend years studying the problem form hypothesis gather evidence test hypothesis form conclusions report findings clear peer review findings published reported in press guy on internet both well there are a lot of people out there that can't handle the idea that there are a lot of people smarter than them i mixed up a couple of glass jars and accidentally made a milk tea with instant yeast instead do not recommend yeah i wonder why you wouldn't recommend that my husband the extrovert and i the introvert got separated on our flight we're in middle seats in the same row i've already apologized to the people sitting next to me like seven times my husband is sharing beef jerky with strangers and i think he's now in someone's wedding stop bringing shitty bluetooth speakers on hikes no one came to the woods to hear you listen to katy perry i mean yeah that's fair be careful out there everyone i had two lakers tickets in my car and someone broke in and left four more oh dude you just can't trust anyone nowadays today my five-year-old laughed at this painting in the middle of a museum for like six minutes and i would too i can't blame them that's freaking hilarious meal prepping is great for people who are committed to ruining their weekends in an effort to regularly eat four day old leftovers i hate meal prep nope never gonna do it tupperware more like tupper where the [ __ ] is the lid this is the most eight dollars has ever changed my life well if you get [ __ ] on the light and it changes color or you know it just like gets dimmer i learned you can sue somebody for loss of enjoyment of life and i have a list remember the lesbian wedding i went to back in september i am allowed to share one wedding photo on my cursed twitter and i look at them ethereal beautiful brides this is the best wedding photo i have seen so far they've got [ __ ] swords if you approach me and say any of the following words within the first sentence crypto nft metaverse or mayonnaise i'm immediately walking away completely fair if anybody ever walked up to me and said do you like mayonnaise or really any variation including that word no we're not gonna work out bank account fourteen hundred dollars me to a girl scout give me the thick mints please i wonder if birds fly for fun or if they're always on some mission well i know pigeons aren't on any mission they're just doing it for fun we'll be having box with robots in the next 10 years only three more to go folks i hated muffins until i was 17 and saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one prior to this you see i thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience and i would angrily eat muffin wrappers because i just thought i had to [Laughter] awesome notification to get two men fighting 0.2 miles away that's actually really close i'm gonna go find him having clinical depression is highly genetic which means there's a direct line between me and my one incredibly sad ancestor who was still hot enough to reproduce i think of them often in a sense none of our dinosaurs have ever escaped because society itself is just another larger cage yeah that sounds so smart but yeah like 18 to 19 dinosaurs are currently loose true love is when your pets know you're sad and they cuddle with you my cat thinks i'm a jazz he's right when i was a kid if a movie character had a cell phone it meant they were a workaholic who hated christmas that's still the case i like that pineapple dog tweet a lot when you see a pineapple how cute there aren't any dogs at the park right now and cheesecake is not happy i was promised there'd be [ __ ] here me staring out the window looks like rain submarine captain what but like more [Laughter] does anyone else eat their meal in order from their least favorite part to their favorite part or do i have some rare form of ocd no i do that there was a couple having wilds with the lights on and the curtains wide open in the hotel room opposite me and i couldn't help but feel sorry for them in their lack of elden ring is this the guy from my zombie anyway he's right i'd feel pretty bad for them too this rorschach guy was kind of a freak for drawing so many pictures of my parents having sex little cringe where did scar's accent come from did he study abroad i don't know but i've always wondered what the hell they called him before he got the scar sean yawns i'm tired sean yawns me too sean yawns and me anakin is it possible to learn this power palpatine grins not from a jedi which is why i use skillshare skillshare is an online learning community where you can learn and teach just about anything get two months of skillshare premium for free with coupon code sheave do it me pre kids i'm never gonna lie to my kids ever me with kids so i just got off the phone with santa the firefighter dog from paw patrol and the green power ranger and they all agree if you don't put your shoes on they're gonna have to put down another unicorn the new batman movie suggests that thomas and martha wayne were killed in 2001 which means it's very likely that they died taking their beloved son bruce to the theater to see shrek ah no they went to see a stage play nice try i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school he shook his head and said if i sign this you're going to have to learn how to forge my signature if you sign it from the start you'll be able to sign whatever you want and they'll never know ah why are you doing this dad a typical website visit in 2022 step one figure out how to decline all but essential cookies step two close the support widget asking if i need help step three stop the auto playing video step 4 close the subscribe to our newsletter pop-up and step 5 try to remember why i came here in the first place look the guy that invented the pop-up ad has apologized profusely he didn't know what he was unleashing upon the world it is [ __ ] up that no matter how good a pie smells it won't actually make you float up off the ground when you smell it you know i've been noticing that more and more recently and it's been making me more and more sad life is like soccer because my mom signed me up for it and expects me to try my best even though i [ __ ] hate soccer imagine you're living inside a tiny mushroom house with a tiny chimney deep in the woods no one knows you exist you make soup in a tiny pot you are free i'd want adventure to find me just overheard this guy at a coffee shop talking about his librarian girlfriend and he said it's really hard to get into arguments with her because she cites her sources ha suck it that sounds like a you problem why don't they just make the tupperware spaghetti colored right there at the factory why does our tupperware need to be clear i mean i understand being able to look inside of it and just see what food it is but i never have enough leftovers for myself to go huh what the hell this one i just know what it is i don't leave 14 different sets of leftovers in the fridge and have to visually inspect them there are two types of people in this world people who go big stretch when a dog stretches and sociopaths i do that for my cat last night after mass i stopped at a mini mart and the young man working there who was blaring some kind of screaming metal music looked at me perplexed as though deciding whether or not to speak up then said did you know you have some black stuff on your face what some women have been finessing men into buying them expensive for years and just ghosting them after but a man does it and he gets a documentary made about him called the tinder swindler had a music playlist called for her and she just had sex with another guy to it life's been hard hasn't it but i promise you you'll get through this man we used to pay real money for ringtones and now if my phone makes a noise it ruins my day oh dude i remember having to make ringtones through itunes asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my train wreck of a life pro tip never be sad on a holiday or weekend cry on a work day get paid for your depression don't let capitalism win boss makes a dollar i make a dime that's why i cry on company time

Channel: EmKay

Views: 2,919,679

Keywords: reddit, r/, subreddit, best of reddit, r/ top posts, top posts, top posts of all time, reddit top posts, 100% True stories, reddit true stories, top all time, reddit posts, reddit stories, ask reddit, funny reddit, emkay, memes, compilation, nonpoliticaltwitter

Id: A-vUdbCE094

Length: 60min 10sec (3610 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 29 2022