What We Should Really Be Teaching Kids - Sam Morril

I saw a dad in the coffee shop quizzing his son on dinosaurs like every 30 seconds he would hold up a picture of a dinosaur and his son would be like that's a Stegosaurus and a dad would be like good job Stephen well done why are we quizzing kids on dinosaurs I've never needed that knowledge ever in my life it's never come in handy it's never gotten me out of a jam never been driving drunk some cop pulls me over he's like what kind of dinosaur is this dude I'm like a Stegosaurus he's like step out of the vehicle we should be quizzing kids on things they're gonna need in life this should be the quiz he just holds up a photo of the same woman but slightly different pictures he's like all right Stephen what's different the kids like her haircut he's like very good he's gonna get ya there's so much unnecessary [ __ ] it's crazy you know then another photo of a woman he's like is she angry and the kids like she's gonna say she's not but I think she really is the dad's like dude you're good at this you're better than me that's why I only get to see one weekend my uncle just got his divorce finalized my mom called she's like you need to send him a card I don't think homework makes that car what would that car look like just to do sitting in a studio apartment smiling you open it up it says we didn't like her either she sucked they make the easy cards hallmark happy birthday happy happy anniversary the easy to articulate card it's never a difficult card there's here's a card I'd like to see just a picture of Darth Vader shrugging you open it up it says turns out I'm not your father I ran into my biological father recently I told my friend he was like is your biological father a good person and I was like if he were I probably would not refer to him as my biological father most people say dad I look exactly like him I show my friend a picture he was like oh my god it's like you guys were separated at birth we were I like the cool dad when I was a kid my friend's dad would smoke weed with us and I was like this guy is cool you know now that I'm older turns out he is not cool turns out he's a grown man that did drugs with children so quite the opposite first time I met my biological father he took me out to lunch and the place he took me turned out to be a family-style restaurant which kind of ironic they should make broken family style restaurants you just walk in like where's the waiter I think he abandoned us I don't know they forget to come out and sing happy birthday they're like we forgot we'll make it up to you next year another guy comes out he's like I don't actually work here I'm just banging the owner huh I'll be your step waiter is that one too real for the crowd sorry it's on the subway in New Yorker and I saw a couple fighting and that's her yelling at each other for like ten minutes a rat ran up to the woman's foot and bounced off and ran away and she screamed but her boyfriend just laughed in her face and she was like that is not funny and he was like it's kind of funny and she was like no so I just went up to the most like excuse me miss I saw the whole thing and it was funny I do this every night I got a great gauge on what's funny and not funny I used to fight with my ex all the time she was maddening cry during the break-up she's like you're not crying during this breakup but you cried during that magic Johnson documentary maybe that should show you how out of touch with reality she is that she thinks she's in the same inspiration category as the greatest point guard that ever played the game that guy played in the all-star game with HIV she wouldn't be when she had a headache all right I mean Magic Johnson I don't war in Boston but that guy's a legend every every endorsement converse 7up he never got Trojan but I think he deserved to get it who would have been better if you were on the fence about warning protection he saw Magic Johnson's face and the boxy back we should definitely wear a condom is the commercial you're coming out of a blackout you wake up next to a very regrettable one-night stand you see a little picture of Magic's face in the Box you're like Oh magic thanks for the assist you know cuz it's a fun age joke that's why you know it's upbeat I never work on him with my ex-girlfriend cuz she was on the pill ambien and I don't feel the need you know guys openly speak about masturbation it's ridiculous I was gonna date the other night my friends like you going on a date you got a masturbate before that date because that way if you get laid you last longer here's what they don't tell you though if you masturbate before a date you're gonna want to cancel that day I called the girl I'm like there's been a change of plans you can go to the movie I'm gonna sleep this one off and it takes more to get you excited these days you know 13 14 years old all I needed was a picture jennifer Love Hewitt's smile I was said she was lovely now it's harder now I'm having sex with an actual woman she's choking me I'm like tell me I'm adopted she's like why don't I come now that's what it takes now I'm not happy about it you know it's harder it's good to be out here I've been watching the local news in my hotel room it's not even the news that's like the news where you don't learn anything that's like then it's not news it's just unfortunate [ __ ] brought to you by a smarmy anchor who's trying to be clever at the most inappropriate stories he'll be some pedophile he's like looks like this ice cream man's favorite flavor was eight-year-old boys usually looking for sprinkles he's now looking at life in prison it's safe to say he's got a rocky road ahead that's the scoop jam back to you you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 865,275

Rating: 4.9395623 out of 5

Keywords: Sam Morril, The Half Hour, Sam Morril comedian, Sam Morril stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedian, comedians, dinosaurs, kids, women, divorce, biological father, cards, Hallmark cards, greeting card, restaurant, drugs, weed, relationships, fight, breakup, Magic Johnson, HIV, condoms, sex, news, dysfunctional, dysfunctional family, funny, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up

Id: mBxzgaGRt5A

Length: 6min 39sec (399 seconds)

Published: Fri Nov 08 2019