Racist Babies, Hate Groups & Internet Trolls - (Some of) The Best of Sam Morril

racism it must be uh learned behavior right cause you never meet like a racist baby though i would love to just an itsy bitsy teeny weeny racist what were his first words we'd rather not say and for the record they were taken out of context okay my uncle just got his divorce finalized my mom called she's like you need to send him a card i don't think hallmark makes that card what would that car look like just a dude sitting in a studio apartment smiling you open it up it says we didn't like her either she sucked they make the easy cards hallmark happy birthday happy happy anniversary the easy to articulate cards it's never a difficult card there's here's a card i'd like to see just a picture of darth vader shrugging you open it up it says turns out i'm not your father i ran into my biological father recently i told my friend he was like is your biological father a good person and i was like if he were i probably would not refer to him as my biological father most people say dad i look exactly like him i show my friend a picture he was like oh my god it's like you guys were separated at birth we were i liked the cool dab when i was a kid my friend's dad would smoke weed with us and i was like this guy is cool you know now that i'm older it turns out he is not cool turns out he's a grown man that did drugs with children so quite the opposite first time i met my biological father he took me out to lunch and the place he took me turned out to be a family style restaurant which kind of ironic they should make broken family-style restaurants you just walk in like where's the waiter i think he abandoned us i don't know but they forget to come out and sing happy birthday they're like we forgot but we'll make it up to you next year another guy comes out he's like i don't actually work here i'm just banging the owner huh i'll be your step waiter is that one too real for the crowd sorry it's on the subway i'm a new yorker and i i saw a couple fighting and as they're yelling at each other for like 10 minutes a rat ran up to the woman's foot and bounced off and ran away and she screamed but her boyfriend just laughed in her face and she was like that is not funny and he was like it's kind of funny and she was like no so i just went up to them i was like excuse me miss i saw the whole thing and it was funny i do this every night i got a great gauge and what's funny and not funny i used to fight with my ex all the time she was mad i didn't cry during the breakup she's like you're not crying during this breakup but you cried during that magic johnson documentary maybe that should show you how out of touch with reality she is that she thinks she's in the same inspiration category as the greatest point guard that ever played the game that guy played in the all-star game with hiv she wanted me when she had a headache all right i mean magic johnson i know we're in boston that guy's a legend every every endorsement converse 7up he never got trojan but i think he deserved to get it who would have been better if you were on the fence about wearing protection and he saw magic johnson's face in the box he'd be like we should definitely wear a condom there's a commercial you're coming out of a blackout you wake up next to a very regrettable one-night stand you see a little picture of magic's face in the box you're like oh magic thanks for the assist that's you know because it's a fun aids joke that's why you know it's upbeat i never wore a condom with my ex-girlfriend because she was on the pill ambien and uh i didn't feel the need you know some guy asked me on facebook this austrian guy is like you want to join my hate group i was like who do you hate he's like blacks jews everyone and i am jewish he's not even doing background checks what kind of lazy recruitment process i didn't even tell them i was jewish i'm like i'm just going to join the hate group and then drop subtle hints like while we're committing hate crimes just walking around hating i'm holding the torch i'm like dude you know what this flame reminds me of hanukkah the miracle of lights it's like yeah i guess you do hate jews i'm like dude i hate them i hate them so much i'm burning up i'm schvitzing that's how much i hate these people he's like all right we march on saturday i'm like i can't do saturday [Applause] what helps racism good food you can't be racist when you're eating good food that's why i'm annoyed by that terrorist group all shabab they sound delicious you can't be pure evil and yummy saudi at the same time that's like if there was an italian extremist group named the marinara boys i'll shabbat something something i would order when i'm wasted let me get some of that all shabab with the side of hamas that's why gays need their own cuisine right it'd be harder to be homophobic if you're like dude you want to order him some gay you'd be like i don't know that stuff tears my ass apart yeah i mean the white sauce is good but you know i didn't want to i had to you know i was talking to a guy who told me gay sex isn't natural because it's not sex for the purpose of reproduction i was like no sex i've ever had was for the purpose of reproduction that sounds like sex that's gone horribly wrong he was like it's against nature i was like i have [ __ ] couch cushions before in my life so i'm in no position to judge anyone in what they do with their penis he's like yeah but god did not intend a man and another man like i'm pretty sure the guy who manufactured my couch should not anticipate me having sex with it some things are out of the maker's hands that annoys me when people bring god into the gay argument right if there's a god i kind of hope he's gay just for those people you know what if they had to meet him they get up to heaven god is just like i'm gonna [ __ ] all of you so like i thought this was heaven he's like it's heaven for me once a year i'll i'll get into it with a troll it's like my mardi gras i'll really like i'll let it fly you know i like i'll look but i'm also like i mean i'm not gonna get involved or engage but once in a while it is fun last year uh and don't pretend that act like you're a great person here we're all mortified by this but remember the baby that got eaten by the alligator at disney it's a tragic thing uh and i was like that's terrible and then two weeks went by and i was like all right it's time it's time of course it's terrible but let me [ __ ] try and uh i went on stage that night at the comedy cellar and i said i don't mean to come off like a gun nut i just think if that baby was carrying a weapon he'd still be with us that's how i feel not a great joke but it's timely and there's a woman on the front row and she just goes no [Applause] i was like well she's like you can't joke about that which guarantees i will continue to keep joking about it if you know anything about comedians that's all we need and she's like no you can't i was like so i'm like did you even watch the baby's funeral on tv which it wasn't on tv they don't they don't televise baby funerals but it is a pilot i'm thinking of pitching coming this fall to mtv after teen mom but uh you kind of ask allows us to even see the baby's funeral on tv and she said no i guess i haven't seen the baby's funeral on tv and i said well if you did you would have seen the mother come on through tears and say see you later alligator witches [Applause] she gets up and walks out her husband stays put which is how you know it's a good joke and there's a part of me that is excited by this because i know i'm the subject of conversation the car ride home you know that she's like he was terrible in the husbands like i thought he had some good stuff no so they emailed the comedy seller my home club and the comedy store affords me the email hahaha with 11 exclamation points i counted i did count and i will now read you the best email i ever got in my life here's how it opens okay you want blunt i'll be blunt so you know some bad [ __ ] is coming it's never like you want blunt wonderful evening thank you a disgusting person sam morrell took the stage and spent the first few minutes of his act disrespecting the two-year-old child who was murdered by the alligator at disney i'm going to say it murdered is a strange word choice yeah [Applause] that makes the sound the alligator was paid to do it then afterwards you went to a pay phone and was like it's done [Applause] and then he belched and ran away in a trench coat i have never in my life been so offended and repulsed by someone i immediately left and stopped to tell your staff why this is my favorite part they followed me to make sure my drinks were being paid i mean it's just so wonderfully condescending that she's like i'm furious and they're like those coronas weren't free sarah i should say that the comic before me on this show friend of mine she made like six holocaust jokes and this woman wasn't bothered by any of them she even mentioned them in the email she's acting like they didn't even happen i mean some would call her denier but you know thank you thank you i would expect all human beings would be offended by a sicko making jokes about a two-year-old baby's tragic death saying his mother probably said later gator at his funeral i mean even in text form it kind of holds up you know it's this is a woman who's trying to get me fired over later gator a play on words which to me is a bit of a croc honestly it really is now i have posted about this on every social media account i own she sounds fun i've asked everyone i know to share it the comedian himself replied to me to say pretty strong act huh i did do that that is true if you troll me i will occasionally troll back i'm hosting a sports show and i basically got media trained because i think they saw me as a liability and they're worse but they were reading some tweets i don't know if you've ever had a gray-haired person read your twitter it is enlightening to say the least one of the tweets they actually read out loud was uh someone tweeted at you here sam that uh your comedy is a waste and you replied your father's jizz was a waste [Applause] i'm like so you want me to keep doing that or no she ends it by saying what a complete and utter pathetic excuse for a human he doesn't deserve to breathe the same air or live on the same planet as that precious little boy's family he can go fly a kite where's that last part it always gets me i would love to fly kite it sounds like a pleasant recreational activity kite flying she's very tightly wowed she could use a vacation i'm thinking disney but yeah the owner of the club is a very good guy like him a lot he emailed this woman said we feel bad you had a rough night here we'd like to make it up to you and maybe comp you and your husband for a night out and i hope they accept i think it'd be a great idea for them to rebook me for the gig nothing would make me happy they're saying they're like finally we can take our mind off that awful awful man your first comic coming to the stage sam the gator morel [Music] you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 938,329

Keywords: Sam Morril, Sam Morril comedian, Sam Morril stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, compilation, best of, The Half Hour, Adam Devine’s House Party, Positive Influence, racist, baby, divorce, card, dad, drugs, biological father, restaurant, fight, Magic Johnson, racism, food, gay, homophobia, troll, email, alligator, funny, funny video, comedy videos, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, best comedy, best stand up

Id: dhslIoxYBfY

Length: 13min 40sec (820 seconds)

Published: Sun Sep 20 2020