Blowing The Light - Yannis Pappas - Full Stand up Special

the one the only giannis papas keep it going for the hilarious andrew schultz new york shady how the [ __ ] you doing new york that's not really the accident anymore isn't it it's more like new york city quinoa party get a couple smoothies it's the best city that's why everyone comes here i mean let's be honest other cities are a little jealous you know especially boston you ever notice boston [ __ ] hates new york you know what the funny thing is we're not thinking about them at all ever you know boston treats new york like we used to date way back in the day you know and we moved on with our lives and became somebody and they're just [ __ ] stalking our facebook page you [ __ ] cork sucker it's like boston let it go dude we are way out of your league all right go date philadelphia you got a lot in common this is how you can tell boston's a shitty city because you ever notice every movie about boston is about some guy trying to get out of boston it's like well if i see you here in the morning i will [ __ ] kill you myself you go [ __ ] make something to yourself kid you're not gonna just hang around here wearing construction boots in a car ben affleck sitting by a riverbank finally found serenity with a hipster beard i give them credit they love their teams they got a lot of pride they just take it a little too far you know i shot my half hour special there and i came i was wearing a yankee hat they treated me like i was wearing an isis t-shirt or something you know like like slow it down it's just a baseball team i like you know it's like i'm a yankee fan i get it i'm a hardcore yankee fan but like i don't wear yankees pajamas to bed every night you know the yankees don't win i'll be all right there's stuff to do here not like boston red sox lose the crime rate shoots up 15 people start hitting their [ __ ] family members the cops show up like what's going on here it's like well officer the [ __ ] red sox lost he's like all right keep hitting them i understand [ __ ] [ __ ] socks [ __ ] socks just got married look at that bang bang yeah sorry fellas i'm off the market i'm spoken for [Laughter] it was interesting yeah i feel like you know i'm over 40 so it's about time you know and that that's why i feel like we got a good chance to make it just because there's less time for us to be together you know like i'm looking on that football field i'm like 20 yards i can make that dash right there like no matter what the defense throws i'm getting in the end zone only 20 yeah it's good to get married around 40 because we're going to make it no matter what my wife knows i'm not going anywhere you know i'm over 40. i'm not doing this again i'm too tired you know we've been together five years like this is it i don't care what she does i'm making her stuff she could cheat on me i'll just be like you know what move the guy in with us you know like he's got kids i'll [ __ ] raise his kids too we'll all live together i'll just tell the neighbors we're mormon now so it's not weird i don't want to make it strange for the community you know it's like is he living with the guy who's banging his wife it's like respect his religious freedom okay he follows the laws of joseph smith or as i like to call him american jesus it's an interesting experience having a wedding you know because the day before the wedding i've never felt more important to a person in my entire life you know this is my wife's childhood fantasy she's been dreaming about it since she was little we're 24 hours away from this big day she planned it herself you know i'm an integral part of this thing going good that's a lot of power to have i'm a very important person that day before that's why looking back i'm thinking you know what i should have blackmailed her father at that point and she's been like look call them up and like i need a 500 grand in cash in a duffel bag or somebody's gonna have a sad little girl tomorrow you know like i will be on a plane to miami that's why i don't understand why more grooms don't get kidnapped the day before the wedding if you were a smart criminal that's who you'd kidnap because you're definitely getting your ransom there's not enough time to tell the cops she needs you there you will get your money she will be like daddy sell the [ __ ] house we are not letting these albanians ruin my big day god damn it i will hook myself on the street if i have to i'm [ __ ] getting married tomorrow [Music] but the day of uh yeah i don't mean anything i've never felt less important in my life yeah i'm just an extra in her movie at that point like i'm just another guy in a tuxedo around the queen i learned that early man we showed up we got married in the castle of course because my wife didn't pay for it so that's how that decision was made you know we saw a real small venue she was like i don't know i just don't feel like a bride here i was like yeah i think i have a hunch why that might be you know if you were paying for it you would have walked into the first subway and been like this place is perfect oh my god everyone gets their own six inch and sun chips they get to pick their own flavor too good for my friends i'll tell you that right now [ __ ] harvest cheddar that is a beautiful flavor my wife planned the whole wedding oh did she train oh it was like there's olympic athletes that did not train as hard as she did to get into that [ __ ] dress for 12 months straight i just watched my wife drink mustard that's what it was putting mustard on an ice cube it's like don't judge me it's my cheat day okay like i'm binging today she planned the whole wedding dude planned it herself she was serious about it she wrote a whole itinerary she sent it to all the groomsmen it was it was intense it was like a you know just bullet points where we needed to be every 15 minutes you know yeah the only thing missing on that thing was a swastika i'm being honest with your life she's like 7 15 be in the lobby all the groomsmen must be there [Laughter] everyone's bow ties needs to be straight upstairs 15 minutes later for the photographs stand in order of height if anyone's missing we will kill your whole family [Applause] that's what it felt like it was intense you know that's the fun part of the wedding right pictures ah that's what you want to do on your big day professional photo shoot for four hours you know got to record the memories and the memories are just taking photos you know [Laughter] that's what i remember about that day just being annoyed at taking [ __ ] photos they make you stand in all these poses the photographers like just make it look natural you know and then he had every one of my groomsmen help me with my tuxedo jacket they're all trying to put it on so if you're looking at the pictures it just looks like i'm a paraplegic or something this guy's arms don't work at all and then they just had us adjust each other's bow ties that's fun just staring into the eyes of all your friends [Applause] you look at the photo album you're gonna be like this was definitely a gay wedding right there like those two guys are deeply in love we showed up there early she was already up there in the bride suite she's up there in like this palace up there like there's 15 terraces heated floors little slave girls just dropping grapes into her mouth you know paparazzi following her around like she's j.lo she's got to go to the bathroom somehow one of her friends does it for her i don't know how that happened i gotta go don't get out of that dress just think it to me and i took it for you yeah it's your big day princess but i know nobody wanted to come you know nobody wants to go to a wedding anymore right you get a wedding invitation in the mail first thing you think is like [ __ ] i hope they break up before this happens like how much is this gonna cost me gotta spend a whole saturday doing this yeah nobody wanted to come we need to change a system for weddings we do we got to make it more like fun for people who want to come to your wedding right so how about this instead of giving the couple money guaranteed as a gift wouldn't it be better if you could buy shares of their marriage like a stock you know if you believe in the company like give me 20 shares i like what i see every quarter you get a report find out how your couple's doing you know like mr thompson just got a raise they're on their second kid you're like [ __ ] it give me 20 more shares you know thompson's is through the roof right now until of course you get a quarterly report you know wife just cheated on him son developed a crystal meth probably like [ __ ] sell sell sells god damn it i should have known when she smiled at me at the wedding that this was a bad investment uh how great would that be i tell you a lot of couples they wouldn't get divorced you know with that system you think twice about breaking up if other people's money's invested in your life be like we're breaking up i'll be like nah we're calling a [ __ ] board meetings what we're doing jerry stacy tom work that [ __ ] out like i own 20 of your kids so you're not [ __ ] with my money how great would that be that'd be fun right if you could make a little money on the marriage market i'd be showing up to weddings i'm not even invited to just as a speculative investor just sneak in the back like hey man what do we got going on over here he's a hedge fund manager from manhattan she's a bartender from tampa that's risky you know in fact you know what [ __ ] it give me 100 shares let's see how this shakes out this works out i'll be a billionaire nobody's getting in on this it's a risky investment i would make risky investments you know because i would have a diversified portfolio every good investor knows you gotta have a lot of safe investments to buffer the risky ones my safe investments easy hasidic jewish couples like they're not allowed to break up so that is steady income right there in fact all extreme religions i'm heavily invested in that sector whatever culture doesn't give women a say i'm like give me 100 shares of that [ __ ] no matter what he does they're not breaking up because she can't so i'm a disaster capitalist it's a good time your relationships are hard nowadays just modern day love is tough because of phones you know it's like a big part of love is getting a chance to miss somebody getting a little space and now with phones it's just we're up each other's ass constantly like when's the last time you said goodbye and meant it for a few minutes you know now you say goodbye three minutes later what you doing hello it's been 15 seconds how come you're not texting me back it's like because i'm on a [ __ ] airplane that's why i'm actually close to outer space how can you even reach me right now can i just please enjoy this tomato juice and adam sandler movie i don't know what it is when i get on a flight i need a [ __ ] tomato juice i'm not the only one either because i have tomato juice so somebody else is ordering it which is weird cause like if you were at a party and someone offered you a tomato juice you'd be like what kind of [ __ ] party is this man but as soon as i get on the plane i'm like yo give me a double tomato juice i am parched and thirsty i want to drink soup all the way to phoenix my wife even does this thing you know this is how up each other's ass we all are like if she's walking late at night she'll call me and make me stay on the phone with her for the walk she said hey what's going on it's like a 15 minute walk just it's dark out there's probably a creepy guy like 30 blocks over or something like you never know do you mind i'm not putting you out right everything's coming like no it's fine you know it's just game seven there's only two seconds left but you know like i guess i'll put that on pause because i'm on assault patrol for the next 15 minutes and what's the point let's say somebody does attack her what the [ __ ] am i supposed to do about it except sit there helplessly on the phone listening to the audio of her murder to be traumatized for the rest of my life now i try to sleep and close my eyes i just hear your screams and remember how you forced me to listen to this for some reason what's the point what do you want me to do just scream into the phone stop leave her alone no it sounds bad honey he can't hear me put the phone on speaker [ __ ] i'm glad it's good to settle down though i took too long man nobody wants to nobody wants to suffer a sacrifice anymore get in a relationship you know especially in new york you know especially as a generation everyone's looking for the perfect person because we're so spoiled everyone's like you know how come you can't be more like ryan gosling you know because my name's ted you know and ryan gosling's not looking for you either so your name's marie you're an x-ray technician at kings county hospital okay can't we just [ __ ] white-knuckle through this like our grandparents and parents did yeah man i'm glad i settled down though i waited too long you know because you know i live in new york city that's what we do girls here like i'm not gonna let the patriarchy tell me when i'm gonna have kids okay all right first i want to open my gluten-free rabbit store for bunnies okay i'm an nyu student and i'm i study the patriarchy my dad pays for me to go to nyu to study how my dad pays for nyu i met a couple from nyu i was like you know what this is where we're at as a country it was the two of them she was like a something studies you know it was like a bunch of letters in the alphabet a bunch of letters in the alphabet studies and here i was like man what do you study he was like uh i'm an english major and i was like you know what that's how we're gonna beat the chinese right there you know they're over there they're majoring in engineering stem chemistry we're over here majoring in the language we learned at four you know that you want me you want to know how to use the word the i [ __ ] studied it so the word the goes right there so i waited too long you know it's like i waited too long to get i was listening to my single friends you know single you know single people are perpetually single people they think that they're strong that's you know that people you're like how come you're single like i'm just waiting for someone to challenge me i'm not a settler somebody needs to come along and challenge me i'm like what the [ __ ] are you talking about you psycho it was someone who challenges you that sounds awful you come home someone checks a basketball in your chest came to 11. [ __ ] what's up i'm here to improve you [Laughter] your friends are like how come she's always screaming at you you're like it's my soul mate what are you gonna do you know it's like dating tony robbins you know i've developed a twitch and a facial thing but she loves who i could be one day that's why we're that's why it works she doesn't love me as i am which is good yeah we've all made that mistake you ever be in a relationship with someone who challenges you it's called an abusive [ __ ] relationship you don't want me with someone who challenges you that's stupid that's immature you want to be with someone who compliments you you know someone who fits somebody who you could picture yourself eventually having comfortable misery with you know that's what it is nobody thinks ahead nobody's practical anymore it's like this is the real reason why you want to get in a relationship it's like for when you get older you know when you get older you're going to fall you will fall and you just want someone living in your house when you do you know like you want to fall and just end up alone on the basement stairs just with a broken back trying to figure out a way to communicate to the cat to maybe crawl out the window and tell a neighbor booty go tell bob in 5d daddy's down you got to get in a relationship life's too hard to to do alone you know it's like you know god forbid you're in your 30s or your 40s you're still single you know god forbid you get sick you get injured you go to the hospital and the doctor's like all right who do we contact to let them know you're here you're like actually um i'm waiting for someone to challenge [Laughter] i'm not settling for emergency contact at this point not a settler i love my wife she's great that's why i married her you know she just starts a lot of fights because she phrases things wrong i'll be honest ladies i'm here to help like seriously this is a good one you know don't ever ask us if we want to do something don't phrase it honestly you know be like hey do you want to go have a picnic no never never no what'd you think i was gonna say yes [ __ ] are your girlfriends gonna be there let's go closer to dark so there's mosquitos out we get bit out can i bring edamame let's drink rose on the floor let's go to a dog park where they piss and [ __ ] during the day and then off leash hours are over i want to sit on dry dog piss no don't set yourself up for failure like that trick us into it you know get creative manipulate us you just gotta assume we're lazier than you and you're smarter than us that's what it is just be like hey honey i heard they're handing out free money at the park you want to go yeah i got my coat on before you finish the sentence jen we're out the door but hey we might as well bring some sandwiches in case we get hungry boom we're having a [ __ ] picnic i don't even remember the free money at that point i'm yelling at you we should do this more often you know i'm laying on a blanket listening to sarah mclaughlin twinkling my toes nice little breeze i got my off spray mosquitoes don't bother me when we're having a picnic you got to trick us into it guys we lie to ourselves you know we tell ourselves hey my wife's not fun my girl's not fun you know gotta hang out with my boys to have a good time it's like our wives are fun you know it's just that the ideas always sound stupid you know but once we're there it's great you just gotta get us there guys lie to her you can't hanging out with your boys is it's fun when you're in like your 20s or a teenager you know that that's fun but when like you're in your 40s hanging out with your guy friends it's like borderline inappropriate at that point you know you ever go to a bar and see five 40 year olds standing by the bar is there anything more pathetic than seeing five 40 year olds yawning every three minutes every time they yawn a little bit of their gut pops out of their polo shirt they're just stretching out their plantar fasciitis [Laughter] [Applause] jerry get me another miller young girls walking by like do you guys own the bar what are you doing here shouldn't you be home raised in a family that's not weird this is when i really figured it out that she phrases things wrong it was fall my wife loves fall like all women you guys there's something about that season that just brings out the peppiness in your femininity that first breeze in september hits you guys like oh [ __ ] boots weather yeah look at my new boots these are cute i want to walk around like i just got off a horse all day [ __ ] yeah hocus pocus cozy let's get some fake pumpkins from tj maxx put them all over the living room pumpkin spice pizza [Music] this is my boyfriend's sweatshirt it's my sweatshirt now [Music] i don't know what it is you guys love fall so this is what this is how my wife's phrased the question to me out of nowhere you know in october this last october she was like hey you know be fun let's get into the fall spirit do you want to go pumpkin picking [Laughter] what the [ __ ] why would i want to go do manual labor on a saturday if you want a pumpkin they have them at the supermarket that's how easy it is to get a pumpkin you don't even they don't even put them inside the supermarket they always leave them out front you notice they don't even care if you pay for it that's a suggested price like this is marketable for four days take it or [ __ ] pay for it we don't care it's gonna be a moldy mess in 13 minutes nobody's ever been arrested for stealing a pumpkin you know if you called the cops on someone's stealing a pumpkin the cops would arrest you for calling them but she's my wife i love her so this year i was like you know what i'll go let's go pumpkin picking let's get into the fall spirit let me tell you something right now it was bigger [ __ ] than i thought you know like what a sham dude you drive out it's not even a pumpkin farm it's just an open field where they dump pumpkins on the ground so you just basically bend over farther to pick up a pumpkin they probably go to the supermarket steal those pumpkins and then drive them out there and i'm supposed to be impressed because there's a llama that stinks like [ __ ] you know like yeah then she asked me this one recently she was like hey do you want to come with me and get a pedicure like no i'm a guy i cut my own toenails and leave them in a pile on the floor you know i intend on picking them up i just forget that they're there you know and three weeks later i'll accidentally step on when i'm like oh time to cut my toenails again it's been three weeks that was a sharp one just a strange question to phrase to your husband like that you know do you want to get a pedicure it's like did you want me to be like yes are we gonna get manicures too i want to get mine gelled so they don't chip when we go pumpkin pigging that's when i realized if she just phrased it differently i would go and have a great time you know because she asked me the same question a couple weeks later she just phrased it different she was like hey i'm going to get a pedicure why don't you come with me i know you'll hate it but it'll be hilarious you'll get a joke out of it so i went and let me tell you something it was one of the most glorious [ __ ] experiences i was sitting up there in that automatic massage chair just i got so comfortable i fell asleep and farted by accident i'm sorry just me and a bunch of housewives with their beautiful legs and feminine feet i had my hairy werewolf legs hanging over the front i had my jeans rolled up like huckleberry finn it's my first pedicure in 40 years so the girl had to put on a welding helmet [Music] try to chisel out a piece of sports sock from when i was a teenager now i go every other week i ask her i'm like do you want to get a pedicure ah no yeah no they know my [ __ ] near now that's good yeah such a good time we live in such a comfortable time whatever god imagine being a college student right now you don't gotta you know gotta work in a factory you don't gotta get a job right away kids just graduate college now and just sit in coffee shops for a few years you know trying to think of a new app idea so they can try and cure whatever slight inconvenience might be left on the planet that's the goal to get it so we don't move you don't have to do anything pretty soon there's going to be an app for everything it'll even be like an itchy ball zap when your balls edge like why would i scratch my own balls when i could just gps my location have a [ __ ] come out nowhere and scratch them for you it's the uber a ball scratch and you can even see him running a little cartoon screen he's three minutes away he's turning up second avenue phillip is arriving in three minutes you rate him he rates you it's a perfect system you know you write a little review philip was great he got the back of the balls you know made some great conversation while he did it offered me a bottled water and juicy fruits i mean who has movie candy i highly recommend phillip if you're in the murray hills section in manhattan for a five-star ball scratching i just think about food delivery for a second it's a good example of how comfortable we are now just do you remember when you used to have to call a restaurant on the phone to have them deliver the food to your doorstep like a second century scandinavian prince do you remember those hard days when you had to use your mouth to talk you know like before seamless and grubhub i love seamless ah it's like their whole business model's like are you guys tired of making eye contact with the delivery guy are you tired of having to put pants on to answer the door because now you don't have to all you got to do is crack your door open three inches and pull your food in like a prisoner in solitary confinement i haven't seen a delivery guy in four years i don't know i don't know who's out there could be a baby or a ghost just see knuckles slide past my lock as i just pull the food in like a troll living in the attic i'm actually playing this little game with myself true story like i want to see how little clothing i can get away with having on without the delivery guy noticing i'm down to one sock like [Laughter] on my dick like a red hot chili pepper i answered the door like flea on tour in 97 guy if you've never ordered food completely butt naked you have to try it it's a beautiful moment where it really hits you how comfortable we have become as a society you're like i don't even need to get dressed to get a four-star meal delivered to me can you imagine if somebody came back from the past in like a time machine you know how confused they would be they'd be like how do you guys get all this food like is there a farm out back or like where's all this meat coming from you got chickens like nah dude watch this tell me what you want to eat anything all right now get naked food's on the way just take a close up yeah dude it's a good time to be alive we got to take a second to appreciate how comfortable a civilization we live in right now you know yeah it's like we don't really work nobody really like we don't even really work at work anymore you know what's a hard day for you now it's like maybe there's like a strategy meeting at two you had to go to you know really interrupted a good facebook scroll you were getting maybe you couldn't find your charger for 15 minutes or something it gave you a real anxiety attack that's why everybody nowadays has like anxiety panic attacks you know it's a real modern day problem i'm having a panic attack i can't sleep i can't sleep i'm having panic attack i need to take an ambien to help me sleep it's like no i'll tell you why you can't sleep it's because you [ __ ] did nothing all day long your body is not tired that's why you can't sleep ask your grandparents if they've had trouble sleeping hey grandpa do you ever have a panic attack and not be able to sleep he's gonna go what oh i laid down and fell asleep immediately because we were building the brooklyn bridge all day so i it's like [Applause] 14 irishmen fell into the water they're dead now what's the hashtag you're following what is it resist okay now let's go to brunch we live in a good time it's a good time everyone's losing their mind a little bit though the internet's really making people lose their mind yeah everything's gotten very angry and extreme you know used to be you could be a democrat republican and you have them in your same family no problem remember remember your dad was a republican because he owned a business and your mom was a democrat because she lived off of him you know and it was like she knew where that health care was coming from you know now nobody can even talk ah everyone's extreme right extreme left you can't tell a bunch of republicans you're a democrat they'll be like you [ __ ] cuck you want to watch your wife get [ __ ] don't you you want to chop your dick off you communist bastard it's like nah dude i just want single-payer health care yeah that's it i just want to take care of old people that's all i want to do i swear i don't want anyone to [ __ ] my wife in front of me i promise right and you can't you can't be a republican tell a bunch of democrats you're republican right away they're like you [ __ ] nazi [Music] you piece of [ __ ] white supremacist you probably got mexican slaves chained in the basement you're [ __ ] hailing hitler every day you piece of [ __ ] like nah i just own a business i want less taxes i don't i don't have mexican slaves i promise like i live in an apartment i don't even have a basement i promise everyone's gone crazy man and at a time where you know things are pretty comfortable you know it's we gotta we gotta unite somehow we gotta unite i don't know how we're gonna do it but i think the internet's done it and we're real divided because i think we've forgotten the thing we all have in common and that's we're all just self-interested pieces of [ __ ] you know like yeah i'm a libertarian when things are going good i don't want to pay taxes but as soon as this career falls apart i'm going to be like bernie where's my healthcare everyone's liberal till they get rich you ever notice that then you become socially liberal fiscally conservative [Laughter] whenever you meet anybody who says that that means they grew up liberal then they got rich so my politics are now for whatever doesn't touch my [ __ ] money that's what i believe in like lesbians want to get married and touch each other that's fine just tell them to keep their hands off my [ __ ] money [Laughter] i don't deep down i don't think anyone's really democrat a republican you know it's like are you really liberal liberal people are you just under 35 really never owned your own business once you open that gluten-free muffin shop or whatever it is like these taxes are a little high to support this niche market that's buying my cupcakes [Laughter] and if that doesn't switch you conservative let's be honest every liberal is just one bad mugging away from switching to conservative you're walking around you're like i'm with her bernie and three kids jump you beat the [ __ ] out of you while their friends film it and put it on youtube yeah you wake up the next day like you know what donald trump has a lot of good ideas we gotta build a wall immediately my favorite libertarians are my favorite i can't believe that they've like crawled off of college campuses and are on tv now these fanatics i'm a libertarian because they're all about the marketplace no regulation they just worship the market everyone's a libertarian when their company's doing good as soon as it goes bankrupt libertarians disappear real quick there's no libertarian in the history of being a libertarian who's rejected a socialist bankruptcy bailout on principle like you know what my company failed but i'm a libertarian i trust the market you know i really learned a lesson on that one so i'm gonna go sleep in a homeless shelter for next year you gotta you gotta trust the marketplace just don't touch it it's perfect you know it's all knowing just let the market figure it out your wife [ __ ] another guy free market baby like better dick right better dick unregulated free market dick it's tough me you know our country's basically just divided into two generally stupid groups you know we got like right leaning handy uneducated people who can fix your sink and [ __ ] like that and then you got us just over educated and useless that's what we are like [Applause] when the apocalypse comes we're going to be like what are we supposed to do i've seen every woody allen movie does that help our i know who dostoyevsky is i'm really welcome [Applause] yeah how are we going to how we can fix it you know i don't know next president has to be for everybody somehow gotta unite next president has to be for left and right so when he wins or she wins everyone feels like they're candidate one that's why next next president has to be female conjoined twins there's no choice know like we gotta find conjoined twins where one sister's republican and the other one's democrat and yeah so whoever you voted for for the first time in history you're candidate one you know there's no losers there are two sisters i saw him on 60 minutes the most amazing thing i've ever seen have you seen it two sisters they were born with one body two heads the right sister controls the right arm and leg the left sister controls the left arm and leg and somehow they telepathically communicate to move and live life normally i was watching this going like this is the most amazing [ __ ] i've ever seen in my life i will vote for these two [ __ ] for president of the united states i am with hers to be honest with you like who better to teach us to share the planet than two girls trapped in the same body compromising every [ __ ] day it's going to be a cakewalk for them being president they were born to be president they're getting officers like what do you want me to do balance the budget all right that's a cakewalk we just drove to walmart today do you understand do you understand how crazy that is they would end war immediately too just because they would make countries feel guilty about fighting over the same land give everyone a little perspective they'd be like really israel and palestine you guys can't share the same land north and south korea that must be really hard for you you know yeah try having to take a [ __ ] while your sister wants to go to the mall and figure it out that's easier than our tuesday i don't know what you're talking about plus you know they're not corrupt that's the best part about conjoined twins they don't steal and that's the quality we almost want in our leader someone who's honest they can join twins they're honest they don't steal all right they never even consider it because they know they'll never get away with it so it's just they're good people no one's ever turned on the news and there was conjoined twins on the loose they can't it's hard to hide you know you can't you can't just walk into a bank and rob it if you know it's like everyone's been staring at you the moment you walked in like there's a lot of witnesses to that crime you could even be wearing masks successfully robbed the place cops would be like did anyone see who robbed this bank like officer unfortunately they were good they were wearing masks but i do have one tip for you uh i think you're looking for somebody with two heads is that common is that maybe you could start by flipping through the guinness book of world records a few times whichever one of those sets of twins aren't accountable from 12 to 6. i'm pretty sure those are your hsbc bandits right there it's a very padded time very gentle time you know you can't blame you can't blame young people they grew up with the internet they live in a place that doesn't exist most of the day they're they're in another reality where there's no harm that can come to them you know that's why they get offended by words a lot they're like that was the violent word stop it i try to avoid the word get out of here you're assaulting me with your words because like i get it that's what happens when you have a whole generation that grew up without getting punched in the face you know it's like words are violent if you have nothing to compare them to you're like that was the violent word you're like nah it could be a lot worse i grew up in brooklyn in the 80s and 90s yeah there was a time when there was just random packs of wild kids everywhere remember that you turned the street corner you saw 20 kids you were like [ __ ] ah i'm about to get [ __ ] up have you had a nautica jacket on well you used to have a nautica jacket on if there was a day back then where i walked through those kids and all that happened was one of them called me a greek [ __ ] that was one of the best memories of my childhood what a bunch of nice kids like i get it though i know what it is look maybe we're just at the end you know you ever think about that like i don't think we're going back to normal after this donald trump it's like the seal's been broken we don't you're never going to see a normal yale educated lawyer been in senate for 40 years that [ __ ] is over we don't have the attention span that guy gets on that girl gets on stage starts talking we're all going to just be like boring like are you colluding with foreign powers like i need my presidency to read like a tom clancy novel at all [ __ ] times you're [ __ ] porn stars helping the russians what are you doing [ __ ] is exciting you got to admit he says crazy [ __ ] he says crazy [ __ ] a lot you know but nobody talks about the real reason why he says crazy [ __ ] he says crazy [ __ ] all the time because he's 73 years old you know that's what old people do they say crazy [ __ ] they gotta get it out they're dying soon they're like i can't take all these crazy thoughts to the grave so like it's basically a going at a business sale out of his mouth you know like he don't give a [ __ ] he's trash in a hotel room before he checks out for good that the chinese invented global warming he don't give a [ __ ] you know i'm a greek kid you know i'm greek so yeah yeah yeah i mean there's a lot of greek republicans you got to admit but you have to also admit that greeks are worried about that wall there's greeks on restaurants so they already started planning if he builds that wall they're going to build a tunnel underneath the diner that goes directly to mexico it's an underground greek diner railroad bernie's back i like bernie he's an honest guy i like him but let's be honest let's talk we're new yorkers let's yeah but like you can't look like that and be president like i mean you can't look like you've been teaching math to urban youth for the last 20 years does he look like a math teacher deep in brooklyn somewhere who just got hit with a spit ball in the back of the head every time he turns around he's like oh my god hold the dog on my rock first you take the four person and you put it to [ __ ] time who did that who hit me with a spitball i've been working at the dmv for 40 years i got no benefits we're gonna change the system here [Laughter] the mueller report came out yeah there was collusion it was between hillary and her lack of charisma that's how she lost the election but it's where we're at you know maybe everything's been done i don't you know what are we on like spider-man 17 at this point like are there any new ideas maybe we did it maybe we made it to the finish line there's cocaine and sushi everywhere maybe we did it like you can get raw fish like a scandinavian king at rite aid this is as good as it gets it's a finite universe there's only one story that hasn't been told i wrote it i wrote a movie it's a transgender romantic comedy it's a rom-com it's hilarious complicated heart heartwarming you know the plot is like teenage guy and girl fall in love but deep down the girl she knows she's a guy she's always felt like a guy so she transitions they love each other try to stay together but now they're just two dudes and neither one of them is gay so it's complicated you know they gender's getting in the way at that point so the love stays but they decide to break up start dating other people but you know he just can't stop thinking about her who's now he you know he's yeah she who's now he was the one for me when she was a she and i'll do anything to be with him who used to be her who i loved so he decides [ __ ] it and he becomes a her just to be with her who's now a he and now he who's now a she sets out to find her who's now he but unbeknownst to him who's now her while he who's now a she was thinking about him her who's now a him she who's now him was thinking about him when he was a him and she transferred back into her to be with him and was trying to find him so they keep missing each other you know it's like the timing's always off when he's he she's a he it's like you know until at the end they fall in love in different genders it's called love twice it's a beautiful movie like the tagline not even gender could keep these soul mates apart not even gender it's a narcissistic time you have to admit it's not bringing out the best of us right now the internet i was actually today i saw these like girls trying to get a photo of themselves they couldn't figure out how to like get the picture and pose at the same time they were trying to throw the phone and like i can't [ __ ] and i was walking by like excuse me can you take a picture of us and i was like yeah sure you know i'll take one photo i'm gonna rush i'm coming here all right i took one photo they were like um you can't just take one you gotta you just take like three four hundred just move around a little bit just you know just can you just lift it too it was a little low you want to get it from this angle can you just can you just go across the street in that building on the fourth floor just take it maybe you could get a crane and just shift like you took it too quick we didn't get a chance to set up and then they started posing i just pretended like the camera didn't work because i like to watch them hold that pose [Laughter] women have really figured out that exact skinny pose it's it's very well thought out it's very it's all about creating an illusion of taking up as little space as possible it's the same pose right it's like a slight little turn head goes back to tighten the jaw right kissy face or a little tongue to tighten it even further because you guys are [ __ ] out of your minds that's what it is you're psychotic people so it's like a slight turn right then like tits and chest out but stomaching at the same time i don't even know how it's possible you kind of end up looking like a minotaur or something just and then for some reason there was always one leg up like a sleeping horse just you know just low [Laughter] and then you throw your arm as high on your back as possibly like rip your shoulder out of the rotator cuff and just go [Applause] forget about gun control we need some photo control you know i think there should be a four picture limit on your camera when you turn it to your own face because let's be honest like if you can't get the photo after four pictures maybe just not that good-looking at that point there should be a voice that comes out of the camera [ __ ] it's not us it's you not everybody's camera ready you're more of a writer you're a producer like start a blog i don't know i don't know what to tell you anymore it's a tough time tough time i think you know the problem is people live too long now that's what it is yeah you live too long you get bitter conservative you ever notice the older you get the more socially conservative you get that's the problem the problem used to be people live too short and that's why history's so brutal and violent because people only live to like 25 which makes you like a wise old man at 17. you know nobody knew [ __ ] nobody lived long enough to become enlightened you know what i did when i was 17. true story i stuck my dick in a vicks vaporub to see if it burned just out of curiosity i was like if you're wondering it stinks for a long time doesn't stop burning for like four days and then it leaves bad memories yeah that means history was basically dictated by somebody who would stick their dick in a fixed vaporub out of pure curiosity general lafayette was 21 when he was fight with george washington alexander the great was 17 when he conquered the world how nuts is that now people live too long you know they always get bitter you ever notice that old people like we're losing this country it's like nah dude we're losing you you're going away we'll figure it out bang [Laughter] i love that bye i never understood why old people are so conservative i've never got that it's like dude you're 80. what the [ __ ] do you care you got five years to live max you should be blowing lines every single night trying to get as much granny plus as possible you don't even have to wear a condom you get aids you win there's no consequences when i'm 80 i'm shooting crystal meth right into my [ __ ] i don't care what am i going to do develop a crystal meth habit at 80 and go to rehab to try to fix it for what i'm going to enjoy crystal meth go out in a blaze of gold that's what drugs are here for that's why they grow out of the ground for old people to celebrate making it to the end don't you hate it when you see a grandparent just laying in bed no purpose depressed you know i want to be like grandma go try heroin you'll have a new exciting life pontificating with your friends on the corner whole sense of new purpose wake up every morning like [ __ ] i gotta make 40 bucks and get high like you gotta figure this out i got a string a nickel and a piece of flint [Music] to me it's backwards you know i think young people are the ones who should be conservative we have consequences for your behavior like even subconsciously you ever notice how when you're young you can never party as hard as you really want to party because of consequences you're drinking on a tuesday you're like yo man i can't drink anymore cause i gotta wake up for work and if we do any more blow i could die my heart is racing you know like but when you're 83 you're like yo let's do some more cocaine see if we die tonight that'll be awesome what a way to go out you see your friend who left the party early they're like yo how was that party like you shouldn't have left we partied so hard ethel [ __ ] died last night that is the type of fiesta we are talking about cabron [Laughter] seriously let's be honest if your granddad died partying from a recent cocaine addiction [Laughter] is that sad or is that one of the most hilarious things you've ever heard in your life would you be able to even not giggle when someone asks how he passed away like how'd your pop-pop die again you're like i mean he started doing a lot blow like in october like he ended up getting a shootout with the cops it was pretty epic be honest with you he died with a smile and a peace sign just i gotta say i'm joking about that cause like you never know when there's some psycho in the crowd going oh that's a good idea you know go home tonight grandma i got a low i got a little snack for you yeah just yeah just sniff it okay now run be free go wild horses [Laughter] [Music] i'm just old now i snore you know i'm a snoring old dude my wife made a video of me snoring the other night she thought that was funny like while i was sleeping and she showed it to me look look i made a video of you snoring isn't that funny i was like no that's not funny thanks for giving me a complex for the rest of my life and why are you just watching me sleep you [ __ ] psycho she made a minute 17 video of me snoring like i wouldn't get the picture after seven seconds i snore it's redundant what'd you think i was gonna belt out a tune after 40 seconds and it's not like i can make a video of her snoring to embarrass her you know because like when she snores she makes the smallest possible noise like most women sounds like a kitten farting or whatever she snores it's like [Music] i love when she wakes herself up like oh my god was i snoring that's so embarrassing i'm like if you want to call it that i was actually using it as soothing noise to fall asleep to hey what is snoring isn't that weird snoring it's like and how come we haven't cured it yet you know i bet there's a lot of soul mates who are supposed to be together but they couldn't make it because it's norm because every woman i've been with my whole life is always okay with my snoring at the beginning they're like you're a guy guys snore big deal you're still cute and six months later they just start elbowing me out of bed thinking to themselves you know what being a single mom is not that bad i would rather raise this kid on my own than listen to god choke this [ __ ] to death every night and what is snoring i don't know why i snore because during the day i'm one of the best breathers on the [ __ ] planet i don't struggle in and out no noise then i fall asleep it sounds like i'm taking hebrew lessons in a helicopter marshland [Laughter] hebrews a rough sounding language if you don't speak it you know it's just aesthetically you know my cousin married israeli i got an israeli friend too they just like they all speak perfect english i don't know if you're admitted it's really i said to my israeli friend i was like why don't you guys just lose the other language you know just it just sounds like you got a problem here sounds like this is not working phlegm or something be honest i don't know why anyone talks weird anymore be honest with you you know in this day and age i was in scotland doing shows i was like you guys still [ __ ] talk like that like just straining like what are you doing what are we gonna do where are we going what are we gonna do i'm like why are you talking like that are you a wizard or something like how many [ __ ] die hard movies do we have to make to get rid of that dumb [ __ ] accent just talk normal american this is how you're supposed to sound we figured it out some of us talk a little faster some a little slower but there's spaces between our words i was in ireland same thing like would you like a [ __ ] bird i'm like i'm sorry i'm not from your village i don't know your dialect no they sound stupid let's be honest they sound [ __ ] stupid they sound silly and they know it everyone in the uk knows they [ __ ] sound stupid they're just speaking that way to spite us because you ever notice when british people sing how do they sound [ __ ] american adele doesn't sing her songs like helly hello it's me i was wondering after all these yes hello now you didn't even know she was british the first time you heard the song first time you heard a song you were like who is this 400 pound black woman from georgia this [ __ ] can blow [Applause] [Laughter] and then she came and like hello my name's adele you're like why are you talking stupid you were just singing normal like i don't understand what that dumb [ __ ] accent's about oh look if we're going to have world peace we got to have things in common the best way to unite people is like language you know that's why we got to get rid of some of these dumb languages and accents right we got to unite the word if we want to have world peace nothing against culture culture is great we should just like learn four or five beautiful languages we all speak them and get rid of all the ugly sounding ones the ones that are just aesthetically not pleasing to the ear you know like hebrew gotta go what's the point they all speak english let's just arabic got you [ __ ] go ah arabic is way too aggressive you can't speak arabic without making it look like you just did 20 bumps of coke and you want to kill with cerebral palsy [Applause] [Music] and german why do we even let them speak german after world war ii we should have been like you know that language it sounds like you're bossing me around no more of that [ __ ] how's that sound from now on you guys are speaking english and playing baseball like japanese so it's called the marshall plan who won the war you know i know what they did japanese it's harsh too japanese like japanese just sounds like you're lifting boxes and you threw out your back [Music] [Applause] chinese mandarin way too [ __ ] complicated i'm not doing a crossword puzzle to say the word the all right it's like gotta get rid of it i don't make the rules but i have ears [Laughter] this is what i say we do this is what i say we do okay we put all the languages through a test if they pass the test we'll keep it right if it fails the test we get rid of it what's the test we'll let the women of the world decide with a test that only women can judge dirty talk if it turns you on when he starts speaking it during sex we'll keep it if he starts talking and it makes you nausea you recoil gotta go english is solid right you're having sex like yeah who's your daddy but not really your daddy is but take that take that girl that's call me daddy solid c plus very neutral i'm not gonna say the most beautiful but neutral we'll keep it french oh how beautiful is french oh musical question music italian ah how sexy is italian musical. pepperoni lasagna [Music] [Applause] ah spanish oh how sexy is spanish oh maybe the most sexy you could even while you do it you know like [Music] i love how latin people dance to four corners for some reason they just it's like they're doing a magic trick [Applause] it's almost like they're paranoid somebody's behind them with a gun [Applause] oh how sexy the spanish sound ah ah la mujer que rescarne queres [Applause] you don't want to be having sex in here germany foreign [Music] thank you guys for coming out man i appreciate it thank you even go ahead your shoes that's the honest papas everybody

Channel: History Hyenas

Views: 342,820

Rating: 4.9027109 out of 5

Keywords: chris Distefano comedy, Yannis Pappas, yannis pappas stand up, chris Distefano stand up, best stand up comedy 2020, comedy central standup, netflix standup comedy specials, yannis pappas comedy, history hyenas podcast, mr panos greek, yannis pappas greek, maurica, stand up comedy specials, yannis pappas andrew schulz, yannis pappas σταυρος χαλκιας, yannis pappas and chris distefano, yannis pappas podcast, tim dillon stand up, andrew schulz stand up, andrew schulz, tim dillon

Id: R156F0uXhzk

Length: 62min 24sec (3744 seconds)

Published: Sun Sep 08 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/SilentxSage]

Lets be yannis