- Racism, it must be a
learned behavior, right. 'Cause you never meet
like a racist baby, though I would love to. (audience laughing) Just an itsy bitsy
tiny weeny racist. What were his first words? We'd rather not say. (audience laughing) And for the record they were
taking out of context, okay. (energetic music) My uncle just got his
divorce finalized. My mom called, she's like,
"You need to send him a card." I don't think Hallmark
makes that card. What would that card look like, just a dude sitting in a
studio apartment smiling. (audience laughing) You open it up it says, "We didn't like her
either, she sucked." They make the easy
cards, Hallmark, happy birthday,
happy anniversary, the easy to articulate cards. It's never a difficult card. Here's a card I'd like to see, just a picture of
Darth Vader shrugging. You open it up, it says, "Turns out I'm not your father." (audience laughing) I ran into my biological
father recently. I told my friend, he was like, "Is your biological
father a good person?" And I was like, if he
were I probably would not refer to him as my
biological father. (audience laughing) Most people say dad. I look exactly like him. I show my friend a picture. He was like, "Oh my
God, it's like you guys "were separate at birth." We were. (audience laughing) I liked the cool dad
when I was a kid. My friends dad would
smoke weed with us and I was like this
guy is cool, you know. Now that I'm older it
turns out he is not cool. Turns out he's a grown man
that did drugs with children. So, quite the opposite. First time I met my
biological father he took me out to lunch and
the place he took me turned out to be a
family style restaurant, which kind of ironic. They should make broken
family style restaurants. You just walk in like
where's the waiter? I think he abandoned
us, I don't know, but. They forget to come out
and sing happy birthday, they're like, "We forgot bud. "We'll make it up
to you next year." Another guy comes out he's like, "I don't actually work here, "I'm just banging the owner. "I'll be your step waiter." Is that one too real
for the crowd, sorry. So I'm on the subway. I'm a New Yorker and I
saw a couple fighting, and as they're yelling
at each other for like 10 minutes a rat ran
up to the woman's foot and bounced off and ran away. And she screamed, but her boyfriend just
laughed in her face. And she was like,
"That is not funny." And he was like,
"It's kind of funny." And she was like, "No." So I just went up to them and
I was like excuse me miss, I saw the whole thing
and it was funny. (audience laughing) I do this every night. I got a great gage on
what's funny and not funny. I used to fight with
my ex all the time. She was mad I didn't
cry during the breakup. She's like, "You're not
crying during this breakup, "but you cry during that
Magic Johnson documentary." (audience laughing) Maybe that should show you
how out of touch with reality she is that she things
she thinks she's in the same inspiration category
as the greatest point guard that ever played the game. That guy played in the
All-Star game with HIV. She wouldn't (beep) me when
she had a headache, all right. (audience cheering) I mean, Magic Johnson,
I know we're in Boston, but that guy's a legend. Every endorsement,
Converse, 7UP, he never got Trojan, but I
think he deserved to get it. Who would have been better? If you were on the fence
about wearing protection and you saw Magic Johnson's
face on he box you'd be like, we should
definitely wear a condom. This is the commercial. You're coming out of a blackout. You wake up next to a very
regrettable one night stand. You see a little picture
of Magic's face on the box, you're like, "Oh Magic,
thanks for the assist." (audience cheering) That's, you know, 'cause it's
a fun AIDS joke, that's why. You know, it's upbeat. I never wore a condom
with my ex girlfriend 'cause she was on
the pill, Ambien. (audience laughing) I don't feel the need, you know. Some guy has me on
Facebook, this Austrian guy. He's like, "You wanna
join my hate group?" I was like, who do you hate? He's like, "Blacks,
Jews, everyone." And I am Jewish. He's not even doing
background checks. What kind of lazy
recruitment process? I didn't even tell
him I was Jewish. I'm like I'm just gonna
join the hate group and then drop subtle
hints like while we're committing hate crimes,
just walking around hating. I'm holding the torch. I'm like dude, you know what
this flame reminds me of? Hanukkah, the miracle of lights. It's like, yeah I guess. You do hate hate Jews. I'm like dude, I hate them. I hate them so much
I'm burning up. I'm schvitzing. That's how much I
hate these people. (audience laughing) He's like, all right,
we march on Saturday. I'm like, I can't do Saturday's. What helps racism? Good food. You can't be racist while
you're eating good food. That's why I'm annoyed by that
terrorist group Al-Shabob. They sound delicious. You can't be pure evil and
yummy sounding at the same time. (audience laughing) That's like if there
was an Italian extremist group named the Marinara
Boys, or something. Al-Shabob sounds like
something I would order when I'm wasted. Let me get some
of that Al-Shabob with a side of hummus. That's why gays need
their own cuisine, right. It'd be harder to be
homophobic if you're like dude, do you wanna
order in some gay? (audience laughing) You'd be like, I don't know. That stuff tears my ass apart. (audience laughing) I mean the white sauce is good, but you know. I didn't want to. I had to, you know. I was talking to a guy
who told me gay sex isn't natural
'cause it's not sex for the purpose of reproduction. I was like no sex
I've ever had was for the purpose of reproduction. That sounds like sex
that's gone horribly wrong. He was like, "It's
against nature." I was like I have
fucked couch cushions before in my life. So I'm in no position
to judge anyone and what they do
with their penis. He's like, "Yeah, but
God did not intend man "and another man." like I'm pretty sure
the guy who manufactured my couch did not anticipate
me having sex with it. Some things are out
of the makers hands. That annoys me when
people bring God into the gay argument, right. If there's a God I
kind of hope he's gay, just for those people, you know. What if they had to meet him. They get up to
Heaven, God is like, "I'm gonna fuck all of you." (audience laughing) But like I thought
this was Heaven. He's like, "It's Heaven for me." Once a year I'll get
into it with a troll. It's like my Mardi Gras. I'll really like, I'll
let it fly, you know. I'll look, but I'm also
like, I'm not gonna get involved or engaged. But once in a while it is fun. Last year, and
don't pretend to act like you're a great person here. We're all mortified by this. But remember the
baby that got eaten by the alligator at Disney? It's a tragic thing. I was like that's terrible. And then two weeks
went by and I was like, all right it's time. (audience laughing) It's time. Of course it's terrible,
but let me fucking try. And I went on stage that
night at the Comedy Cellar and I said, I don't
mean to come off as a gun nut, I just think
if that baby was carrying a weapon he'd still be with us. That's how I feel. (audience laughing) Not a great joke,
but it's timely. And there's a woman on the
front row and she goes, "No." (audience laughing) I was like, what? She's like, "You can't
joke about that." Which guarantees I will continue
to keep joking about it. If you know anything about
comedians that's all we need. And she's like, "No you can't." I was like, so did you even
watch the baby's funeral on TV? Which it wasn't on TV. They don't, they don't
televise baby funerals. But it is a pilot I'm
thinking of pitching. Coming this fall to
MTV after Teen Mom. (audience laughing) But it kind of, asked did
you even see the baby's funeral on TV. And she said, "No, I
guess I haven't seen "the baby's funeral on TV." And I said, well if you
did you would have seen the mother come on through tears "and see see you later
alligator," which just. She gets up and walks out. Her husband stays put,
which is how you know it's a good joke. And there's a part of me
that's excited about this 'cause I know I'm the
subject of conversation "on the car ride home. You know that she was
like, "He was terrible." And the husband's
like, "I thought "he had some good
stuff, you know." So they emailed the Comedy
Cellar, my home club. And the Comedy Cellar
forwards me the email, hahaha, with 11
exclamation points. I counted, I did count. And I will now read
you the best email I ever got in my life. Here's how it opens. "Okay, you want
blunt, I'll be blunt." So you know some
bad shit is coming. It's never like you want blunt, wonderful evening, thank you. "A disgusting, Sam
Morril took the stage "and spent the first few minutes "of his act disrespecting
the two year old child "who was murdered by the
alligator at Disney." (audience laughing) I'm gonna say it. Murdered is a strange word
choice here, you know. That makes it sound like the
alligator was paid to do it. Then afterwords he
went to a pay phone and was like, "It's done." (audience laughing) And then he belched and
ran away in a trench coat. "I have never in my
life been so offended "and repulsed by someone.
I immediately left "and stopped to tell
your staff why." This is my favorite part. "They followed me to make sure
my drinks were being paid." I mean, it's just so
wonderfully condescending. She's like, "I'm furious,"
and they're like, "Mm-hmm, those Coronas
weren't free, so sorry." (audience laughing) I should say that the comic
before me on this show, friend of mine, she made
like six Holocaust jokes and this woman wasn't
bothered by any of them. She even mentioned
them in the email. She's acting like they
didn't even happen. I mean, some would
call her a denier. But you know, thank
you thank you. "I would expect all human
beings to be offended "by a sicko making jokes
about a two year old baby's "tragic death saying his
mother probably said, "'later gator' at his funeral." I mean, even in text
form it kind of holds up. You know it's, this is a
woman who's trying to get me fired over later
gator, a play on words, which to me is a bit of a
croc, honestly, it really is. (audience applauding) "I have posted about this
on every social media "account I own." She sounds fun. "I've asked everyone
I know to share it. "The comedian himself
replied to me to say, "'pretty strong act, huh'." I did do that. That is true. If you troll me I will
occasionally troll back. I'm hosting a sports
show and I basically got media trained because
I think they saw me as a liability. And, their words, but they
were reading some tweets. I don't know if you've ever
heard a gray haired person read your Twitter. It is enlightening
to say the least. One of the tweets that
they actually read out loud was someone tweeted
at you here Sam that your comedy is a
waste and you replied, "Your father's giz was a waste." (audience laughing) I'm like, so you want me
to keep doing that, or no? She ends it by saying, "What a complete and utter
pathetic excuse for a human. "He doesn't deserve to
breath the same air, "or live on the same
planet as that precious "little boy's family. "He can go fly a kite." Which that last part
it always gets me. I would love to fly a kite. It sounds like a pleasant
recreational activity. Kite flying, she's
very tightly wound. She could use a vacation. I'm thinking Disney,
but you know. (audience applauding) The owner of the club
is a very good guy. I like him a lot. He emailed this woman and said, "We feel bad you had
a rough night here. "We'd like to make it up to you "and maybe comp you and your
husband for a night out." And I hope they accept. I think it would be a great
idea for them to rebook me for the gig. Nothing would make me happier
they're sitting there like, "Finally we can take our mind
off that awful awful man." Your first comic
coming to the stage, Sam 'the Gator' Morril. (audience laughing)
