Doug Stanhope: Beer Hall Putsch

are you sober good time and then a few people got killed so he ran like a [ __ ] because this is a like ground zero of when we branched out to do our own thing and it's really cool-looking we can't really play here because we have too big of a draw so it's nice to be able to film here it's dark it's creepy as a history with us it's just as a good feel and I [ __ ] hate doing theater I wish all comedy specials were filmed in parkland 75 Cedars like old Lenny Bruce smoky room low ceiling so it's not real low ceiling but it's got the feel let's go drink some people say yeah I don't have to drink to have a good time you know okay but that means you have to have a good time to have a good time how do you how do you pull that off just I you just assume the universe knows it's your Friday so some organic good time will swell out of the woodwork and appear at a certain time you you've read the weekly and find the editors best bet and you email all your dumb friends and their cubicles let's meet up we found a local eatery that's well reviewed it has vegan options for Sheila we'll meet there at 7:40 where is Sheila she's late our super good time starts in 40 minutes call her on her cell phones maybe we can order for her cuz we don't want to be late for our super good time starts maybe you came here tonight to have a good time without drinking that means you're solely reliant on me being funny which is a 50-50 shot at best in these waning years of my career if I suck your [ __ ] all that sober good time planning and the mapquesting and the finding the parking and then I just I was off I was too [ __ ] up that night and I now the blames on you I don't take those chances I drink to have a time it's a fail-safe I think whatever mundane [ __ ] I was doing anyway and I just started pouring booze on top of it and within a short amount of time it's fantastic I'm talking to some shingle salesmen at an airport bar and he's showing me pictures of his dogs on his cell phone camera and that's a Miss Patsy and this is Patriot I call him Patriot cuz I got him at 9/11 and then within five drinks that guy's hilarious to me I'm hugging that guy on the way to his gate I'm stopping phone numbers I have a problem no lady I have a solution you have a problem with your sober good time I'll feel like [ __ ] in the morning but I'll know exactly why cuz I got hammered you wake up you feel like [ __ ] you worry oh then I forget to take my omega threes my glands are swollen did I touch a toilet handle without sanitizing I'm not sure exactly should have been drunk and we just won't wake up go home [ __ ] it'll go away by the afternoon I did stop drinking Jagermeister as though it were some like like miraculous life choice i brag to people when I stopped drinking Jagermeister like I'm doing bokram yoga now eating tofu I'm still hammered all the time but it's not Jaeger which is it just a shitty drink at some point I saw a clip of myself on stage yelling at the bar truck hey can I get a shot of Jagermeister but I could see me like in my head I'm young but then I saw I'm just an old [ __ ] dude and just the word Jagermeister coming out of your mouth is some desperate cry to be young again and it's like the old guys a silver-haired Fox but he still has to hoop earrings Hey ladies I uh don't be that [ __ ] dude just drink something clear cuz I uh Jake LaMotta the fighter is a neighbor of ours in Bisbee Arizona he lives two blocks down if you don't know Jake LaMotta uh he was a fighter legendary fighter the movie Raging Bull yes no no Robert De Niro for you 22 year olds let me explain Robert De Niro used to be an actor in the moving pictures and one of his greatest roles was that playing Jake LaMotta in Raging Bull is a real guy that's our neighbor and we never met him til last year a mutual friend brought him to the house to watch football and we're wicked excited like [ __ ] Jake LaMotta is coming here and they brought him over he's like 91 there's no Jake LaMotta left of the Jake LaMotta so we're all like happy and they bring him in and we're like oh I'm for a boxer my age they're [ __ ] up and he's twice that so they bring him in just [ __ ] it up but they have him by one elbow 91 years old and they plop it on the couch like a plant like Jake LaMotta is here and he's got a trophy wife who's 30 years his junior which means she's still in her 60 so the trophy is a bit tarnished at this point there's no Stanley Cup anymore it's more of a bowling trophy and she's a very sweet woman she has all the characteristics of trophy wife she is bleach blonde hair and the 60-year old tip job is forced up so the good parts are showing through the top there you go okay and she's very sweet and she's trying to distract from Jake LaMotta doesn't know where he is he doesn't know he's watching football he's confused on the couch the only time he showed any cognitive recognition of his surroundings I saw him scrambling with his cigarettes and fumbling and looking to the door like who will walk me out so I can smoke and I said it's okay Jake you can smoke in the house Hey that's how [ __ ] thief cigarettes get you nothing else then straight back to confusion so his wife is a very sweet and she's talking to me in bingo I can't believe we've lived here so long and we've never met and it's so nice and at some point she says you know Jake and I are doing a play on Saturday night at the central school an old Bisbee we'd love it if you come I wrote it myself she says oh really they all buy your little only that [ __ ] half cadaver on my couch and Simon with some of his great ideas how the script should be written to the arc of the story and normally you would have to stun-gun me cattle-prod me to get me into a play I'm not interested until I spent an hour and a half with Jake LaMotta at my house that's gonna be live on stage I'm not missing this for the world and we went and it was it lived up to every awful expectation that we and so tragic she wrote it herself it's called lady and the champ she wrote it so thank God it's mostly her and she has an acoustic guitar so she'll tell some stories and anecdotes and then sing some showtunes and of things in the corner stands a boxer and fighter Baez and you're like oh God and then they they plot the champ out on the other side of the stage in a chair they sit him down he still has no idea where he is he still thinks he's watching football at my house and his only job is to pepper the script with some one-liners and some shadow boxing so occasionally he stands up I've fought Sugar Ray's so many times I got diabetes which is not a bad line for a [ __ ] 91 year old boxer set the champ forgets he already did the line so moments later he stands back up in the middle of a song and they have to come out they can't stage whisper to him because he's deaf as a stump so they physically have to come out of pushing back down in his hair and yell at him not yet champ wait til the end of the number and then you do the okay alright now we're in the back of the room [ __ ] dying is why I were having to bite our hands like children in church die nothing single it was like seeing him up a mister Schiavo brought Terry Schiavo on the road as a song and dance act hello my honey hello my baby hello my ragtime Thank You Terry and I'll be selling merchandise after the show Harry will lick your t-shirts for you to personalize them as a little souvenir of the great time we had tonight here and as much as I'm enjoying it for all the worst reasons there's part of my head going alright how long before that's you oh I've been doing this [ __ ] 23 years how long I've taken a lot of shots to the head just like the champ how long before that final synapse in my brain burns out that would have told me don't do this anymore you're you're embarrassing yourself thoroughly but I have my trophy white bingo she doesn't want to get a real job so she just shoving me out on the stage okay Jim yeah you're my sister maybe it already happened I don't know maybe yeah maybe this is being filmed the room don't do this anymore I live every day of my life like it's my last day on earth kids I really don't clap you don't know how I live that makes it even more sad and pathetic that I would willingly choose to spend any given last day on earth immobilized on a couch sweating watching a marathon of storage wars completely content with that friends going come on let's do something man let's go out I came all the way down let's go live life like [ __ ] you I get up I gotta piss for the last four episodes my prostate is welded shut like a love gun I don't give a [ __ ] I'm not getting up I gotta find out what's in that safe very important and find out after the commercial break what could possibly be in that safe you guys all have interests and you do [ __ ] and I don't yeah try doing nothing as long as me I have house arrest on my bucket list so I have an excuse for why I can't go do the dumb [ __ ] you like that I don't understand I'm sorry I'd love to see your friend play the flamenco guitar but I got the anklet sorry go right back to watching [ __ ] hoarders I watch hoarders I see [ __ ] I need like they brought the yard sale into my living room and I just poke around I'm not following the dialogue I'm just looking at their [ __ ] bingo they have an orange microwave rewind it pause that's orange ma how do you get an orange microwave underneath the stack of the newspapers and the mummified cat is an orange microwave find it on Amazon that might fill the void in my soul Arjun cuz I don't even drunk-dial people anymore cuz I have nothing to say but I drunk eBay and Amazon I buy [ __ ] when I'm blacked out which is a eBay's the worst because if I get outbid then I take it personal when I'm drinking you just [ __ ] looked at my girlfriend weird oh I outbid me I'm gonna [ __ ] outbid you yeah I'm waiting oh wait come on up in me outfit you cuz you probably have kids I don't I don't have a lot of money but every penny I have is disposable cuz I don't have children I bought a shitty cheap house on the Mexican border my nut is eight hundred bucks a year in property tax I could beg that you you're gonna outbid me eventually you're gonna realize oh [ __ ] my children have to go to college and I'm gonna realize oh [ __ ] I need a vintage pachinko machine in my house for some unknown reason I'll bet you you lose I'm a giant winner somehow way worse than drunk-dialing cuz drug buying [ __ ] you don't even remember you did it for five to seven business days you walk out of your house and UPS is building some corrugated Great Wall of China outside what did I do now would you get yourself this time mr. Christmas in July miracle socks as seen on tv actual purchase I don't have circulation problems but evidently when I drink on ambien that some underlying the fear I didn't even know I had is deep vein thrombosis you're gonna die maybe that's why I never work Australia that long flight can kill me with deep I have no fear of death except I hate waiting for it come on I beat cancer I never had it that's how I beat it I got oh oh you survived I beat the [ __ ] out of it but by not getting it I'm courting cancer every day of my life I have done everything but [ __ ] paid cancers taxi fare to my hotel won't show up that's beating it you survived it you're like tied I get the number one seed in the bracket over you survivor a winner but there is an afterlife and I if I can give you any hope in this show I have definitive proof of an afterlife I didn't get weird or go religious on you I'm not saying there's a God I don't know what the afterlife entails but here's the proof my mother killed herself in 2008 don't worry this is a fun story it was the best death you could ever be part of she was dying of emphysema at 63 her brain was still with it but her she was drowning in her own fluids she's a being permanently waterboarded by 45 years of cool miles she can't take it anymore we knew what's gonna happen when she made the call I can't do it like all right mom we'll do what we can I like all right mom's gonna kill herself but I don't know what to do like that's okay we know it's gonna happen but what when you say we're gonna do it I'm not gonna go buy you a [ __ ] shotgun Oh y'all have fun MA so I don't know what to do I don't kill people it's not something like I fantasize about it if my mother were Nancy Grace I'd up in all over like I have plans but my mother was a great person so how do we do this right so I called my lawyer I have three lawyers we have like we're Judah big with lawyers in LA for addition all the camera people and recording contracts then I have my local biz B attorney that helps me with like I got married when I was 20 and I had 24 years of marital bliss till I remembered oh [ __ ] I never divorced that girl like drunkenly married in Vegas that's for another DVD so he but then we have our third lawyer who's a comedy fan he's are like wink-wink nudge-nudge Saul Goodman from Breaking Bad attorney that he handles all the creepy [ __ ] like when me and Andy are up late at night doing blow and thinking a quick call Kershner see how much jail time we could could we go to prison if we actually did this he's that guy so I called him knowing he hooked me up with a doctor on the down-low as we say in the black community is black person he gave me the number to a doctor and I go hey my mother's gonna cash out and I don't know what to do he said what do you have I go I got xanax out the ass on the border you can get all the [ __ ] xanax you want uh it's like that's no good that's anti-anxiety does she have hospice care yeah she does then she should have morphine my you got morphine yeah I got morphine all right she's got more feet we worked out the dosages in the milligrams and he goes if she has 30 of those that's enough to kill any human being on the planet she had [ __ ] 90 well okay we're good okay we never talked remember that okay doc so I like all right we're gonna do this first of all bring her to my house cuz she lived in 300 square feet of hoarder paradise old electric bills with spider webs all crammed like it's depressing enough if you're gonna help your mother kill herself but we're gonna go to my house will tidy up well so we set her up with a hospital bed in the living room she had been stuck AAA off and on for my whole life she had at this point been four years sober and I'm like you're not gonna kill yourself sober right you can't take those chips with you see yeah yeah right why would I do that so she in her heyday she was a Black Russian drinker so I set out a mini bottle of kettle one and a mini bottle of Kahlua with her pills for whenever you're ready let me know we laid down ground rules uh I said ma if you're gonna kill yourself seriously uh you can't do it on Sunday or Monday cuz that's football and that's that's a dick move if you can call your own time to leave this planet don't do it during someone else's plan to vent don't be an [ __ ] and she did it the Saturday before football that was great she came in on Thursday Saturday night she goes it's time and I'm time for what like medication no it's time and like oh [ __ ] this is real so I wake up bingo like it's going on we start mixing up White Russians she decided to make black Russians white Russians because she thought the milk would coat her belly better taking all the pills like mother till the MDM whole milk I got skim skim I work I just don't want to throw up the pills Chicken Soup for the suicide you're so [ __ ] yourself Sookie so so I'm whipping up drinks and I know I didn't so much assist the suicide as barbacking like I'm in there mixing drinks good we're all drinking we watched Bad Santa together favorite movie together get a very dark sense of humor my my didn't come from nowhere my mother used to review porn on the man show she's [ __ ] dark like that so we watched Bad Santa and she's trying to choke down these pills she had a very hard time taking pills so she just gagging and just getting them down so I'm keeping a vague count when she got around 30 little over like Maha that's good you don't need to do any more you're fine and she said I don't want to take any chances she's so scared of [ __ ] it out she took all 90 okay we're sitting there and argon you're wasting MA they said three of those we kill any human being alive you could leave sixty of them for me and bingo as our only inheritance other than the last 17 year-old blind cat you have Georgia yeah you can have sixty more fees to have spontaneous memorials for mother every year and again remember mom papa morphine whoo what a great lady what a crazy old [ __ ] no hoarder till the end all [ __ ] 90 and then we [ __ ] with her all right I remember her last words as she's coming in and out cuz we're just goofing on her as she's doing this as she's fading in and out I didn't even know if she'd respond she was just hammering cocktails she and she's laying there half in half out with a White Russian on her chest that she'd occasionally get to her mouth and it it's spill you know when you come off the wagon you hit it [ __ ] hard and it's pretty bad when you're trying to keep up drinking with a 83 pound 63 year old woman yeah and I go wow you're really knocking those back ma and she goes there's times to be dainty there's times to be a pig now we all laugh and this is her mother's problem throughout her life she was a funny lady sporadically but when she would get a laugh she would just hammer it and over tag it and repeat the joke like Jeske I can keep getting a laugh up the same joke and it would ruin the joke and when we all laughed at there's times to be a pig I saw her go into she's gonna and I go shut your [ __ ] mouth those are perfect last words you're not gonna ruin so cut the mic on mother and then we just roasted her as she fell in and out we just did a Friars Club roast making fun of her and making it a fun dark suicide my weight they found a cure I was a bad mother I love you at one point I remember uh I said mom if there's a if there's any kind of white light situation that other side that you get to if you can communicate with us Houdini style see if there's any way that you can make the Saints cover eight points at Oakland tomorrow hi honey on the game and they did the Saints [ __ ] blew him out on October 12 2008 the Saints won 30 43 I'm not saying that's proof of an afterlife that was just 40 bucks that I want proof of the afterlife is this if there were no afterlife how could my mother have bought me and my friends so many nice things from the SkyMall catalog on her credit card four days after she passed from this answer me that your honor answer me that in fact I'd like this enter these credit card receipts into evidence against the advice of my attorney look at that four days I had to swear on your Bible just to testify in my own defense you're silly faint Jesus only lasted three days before he ran out of that cave like a [ __ ] my mother for days relaxing up there she's drunk obeying like I do that last piece of that story has special meaning to me because in my entire career that's the only chunk of material I've ever had that had a statute of limitations before I could comfortably tell it on stage three years statute for credit card fraud after that [ __ ] you mother didn't want some silly gravestone that doesn't do anything mother wanted me to have a voice-activated remote control r2d2 doll I'm just saying we all occupy in our own way you occupy your [ __ ] filthy Portland hippie selves because you hate the 1% and you hate the bank's because of their predatory lending practices gets the people and enslave them and a lifetime of debt what you do about it you stunk up a park for almost a year I occupy far more efficiently maybe you should look to me for leadership I hate the bank's as well as we all do how did I [ __ ] them I spent three hours jacking up mother's Chase Bank Visa Card after she's dead up to its $10,000 limit buying some [ __ ] that no one needs and sticking them with the bill because she had no estate except for that little blind [ __ ] last cat if you want to repo that have at it that actually caused damage to the bank not sitting around with a dog with a kerchief and a cardboard sign is slapping on drums in a drum circle the [ __ ] Occupy movement was such a letdown because you seemed like me angry and we're gonna take to the streets and holy [ __ ] around the globe people are about this we're gonna do something what did you do you [ __ ] up a park all you [ __ ] up in a year is some guy's day who wanted to throw a frisbee for his dog but you couldn't cuz you're all camped out there hate the banks don't [ __ ] up the park [ __ ] up the bank who's in charge of this project next I mean we don't really have leadership you need it sub you have 500 angry people in a park go break them up into squads of 20 you can [ __ ] up every branch of Bank of America of 50 mile radius there and not as anarchists either throwing bricks through the windows what are you a [ __ ] teenager have some ingenuity you line up as customers at 8 o'clock in the morning they only have two desks to do actual commerce other than cashing checks and [ __ ] you clog up those two desks as bogus customers sit down across your legs apply for frivolous loans all day long that's a lot of paperwork for every fribble yes I need a billion dollars for an ant farm sharpen some pencils that's a big stack of pay for I love some coffee you comb your dreadlocks over to one side put on your three dollar Salvation Army suit and you clog up all their time or you could deny me the right to apply for the loan and then I sue the [ __ ] out of you for discrimination causing even more damage to your bottom line rather than just sitting out there in a park and tear gas by cops what does that do what are you accomplishing a good a good tape police abuse yeah police abuse people that's how it works you're never gonna win yeah we're gonna fight that and eventually they go it was justified I was laying there I'm paralyzed there is face down in the park that tased me justified yeah why are you the cops that's a better idea you had a [ __ ] year in a park the first week I'm occupied you should have called everyone with no police record out made them go apply to be police you'd have had people that have gotten through the Academy they're in the works now their moles on your side they're sitting there at a riot helmet with a Bluetooth underneath the Star Wars helmet calling you in the park giving you heads ups hey Kevin you might want to put on a gas mask around 7:45 a.m. you know what I'm saying thanks Shane but we're already wearing gas masks because we haven't showered in seven and a half months and Angela's snatch is really starting to reek up the pump and something ferocious but keep fighting the good fight power to the people good right who could have done so much with that there's a [ __ ] million ways you could have been Cleverley III love that's why I love like WikiLeaks and anonymous cuz they're actually in there they're [ __ ] with the system they're not sitting around chanting slapping bongos Bradley Manning didn't get to release all that information by sitting in a drum circle you got to get inside that's why you should [ __ ] read up on Scientology and I'm serious Scientology is brilliant if you read this book inside Scientology it's a breakdown of how that evil [ __ ] created that religion in a modern time every other religion people believe in you only believe in it because all your ancestry did this guy had to create this and sell it to adults recently yeah it's as stupid as any other religion but how did he do it how did he create this Leviathan read this book inside Scientology and apply those evil tactics to occupy and you have a [ __ ] winning recipe you follow l ron Hubbard's intimidation infiltration harrassment blackmail complete abuse of the legal system where you just turn a cross dice think look at Scientology and they'll sue you in a poverty you use that for good you know what l ron Hubbard didn't have in his master plan for world domination drum circle it doesn't do anything you see them ever no one wants to hear that it's annoying his [ __ ] you had enough crime in a year to learn how to play real instruments you could have had a whole new orleans-style jazz swing band and people want to hear boom boom boom but instead what I'm not against you I appreciate the passion I don't know how anyone who has a cause in life where they put that much time and effort into trying to change something how do you pick one thing how do you how do you wake up in the morning and look at the billions of things that suck on this planet you log into your yahoo news and it's just countries who didn't even know where countries have problems you didn't even know existed how do you pick one sliver of that and decide that's the one we have to print up t-shirts and have a car wash I would be so confused I want to make change how do you pick something if it hasn't affected you Oh juvenile diabetes well I don't know but I have lots of free time during the day I guess I should oh wait spina bifida and the guys right here and he's uncomfortable to look at so maybe I'll go with this guy's cause and clitoral circumcision in the third world and that I know that gives me a handy excuse for not finding it but that's selfish and I have to stop thinking about me maybe we should end as soon as you focus on one thing here comes Sarah McLaughlin on the TV with the skinny sad puppies and they appears do movie on Jove initially I don't know why animals always seem to Trump any human cause but they do and now you're telling me about [ __ ] corrective rape which is some weird thing in South Africa you know corrective rape is where the gang rape lesbians to try to cure them and I want to I'm behind just that just to bring attention to it because the term corrective rape is such a good comedy reference that I demand a bigger laugh when I mentioned corrective rape knows about it so I want to bring attention to your cause I just don't know how you pick if I had any cause over the course of my career that I bitched the most about its overpopulation which is the root of most of the other problems you care about anti children but I don't know where to send a check I don't know what do you do the only solution that I've ever come up with which i think is great but no one's gotten on board a incentive-based eugenics eugenics was a practice of sterilizing people Hitler got a lot of the credit for it but it was actually done in this country long before Hitler even though knew who he was mad at he was we were practicing eugenics in this country eugenics was the practice of forced sterilization of undesirables which sounds bad and the way they did it was bad uh cuz they they would uh first of all the force is wrong you don't force people to do things they don't want to do and be who decides who's undesirable they were doing it in this country at the turn of the 20th century which is the 1900s for a lot of my fans early 1900s to criminals perverts which is way too vague the mentally ill mentally [ __ ] homosexuals which makes perfect sense we don't want them breeding well where's running all up and down like gremlins but if you took away the force and you just made it incentive-based for people willing to sterilize themselves offer up some white-trash prizes you know NASCAR pit pass meet your favorite driver all you're gonna do is snip the sack really your supply of Sunny Delight I want some Sunny D don't you are you gonna do is putty up that front hole lady you still have two holes left to trick guys out of drinks at the bar what do we got to do are you telling me if I cut off my balls I'm going crossbow hunting with Ted Nugent [ __ ] yeah no no sir sure sir wait no you don't actually cut off your balls we just make a small incision with a local anesthetic [ __ ] you I want you to cut off my whole balls I'm gonna hang them from my rear view mirror like a lucky rabbit's foot I'm going crossbow hunting with the news I never won nothing in my life that's a workable plan still can't argue with that it just won't happen here's what I think if you're behind whatever you're behind we should triage all charity so we take the most important and most easily solved first everyone works on that and we'll get to yours eventually I would start with the starving people in a world full of food that seems easy to solve you don't need scientists with lab reports and years no there's lots of [ __ ] loads food this is just a transit problem someone from FedEx get the food there how we live in a place a [ __ ] horse meat as a scandal they found horse feed the pout there oh my god have you heard there was horse meat in my frozen processed lasagne meal how dare they put a more lean and nutritional needs and now we're gonna dump it by the warehouse pulls in the garbage dumps while people are starving to death on this planet that makes no sense I can solve that yeah take that food and feed the people who don't have it and then we get down to the next most important and the wrongly accused and the torture and the thing and the disease and occupies lower and then save the manatees even lower than that and eventually hopefully in a perfect world we get down to the bottom which is Toys for Tots ha [ __ ] embarrassing is it to live in a country where Toys for Tots is an actual recognized legitimate charity god forbid little daniel go through some bogus holiday made on stuff or some fake deity without Lincoln Logs the horror the horror that's why they have to have Marines and bikers in force that [ __ ] like henchmen cuz otherwise you just go [ __ ] you toys there's starving people and some big [ __ ] fruit cut guy I [ __ ] bought for your Batum give me a goddamn leg up for the kid you become whatever your cause your charity or your drive your effort audit it make sure because so much of it is symbolism over substance where people think they're helping by doing nothing audit all the time and effort and see if you're actually effecting change rather than just oh we're gonna have a 10k fun-run for the Cure come on down on Sunday it's a 10k fun-run for the Cure why why what is running ever cured anything I don't understand the cause and effect on this is it is that how Jonas Salk cured polio is by speed walking around the track down at st. Mary's High School with a wife-beater on and a paper number safety pin to his back oh we're doing it for the Cure how are you curing anything well what I do is I get sponsors and every time I go around the track another time my sponsor gives me another quarter for the Cure so I gotta go is Betty doctors they are your friends that's sick and sadomasochistic that they wouldn't just cut you a check out right for the Cure they make you do weird [ __ ] first Larry you know my daughter was born with cerebral palsy and we're trying to get a big fundraiser going really yeah how many hard boiled eggs will you eat love your kid right come on no they would cut you a check out right but you're that much of a [ __ ] megalomaniac that you have to make the cure about you you need spotlight in this you could just get a check but no one's gonna [ __ ] be oh no you know the truth is I do the same speed walk at st. Mary's every morning at 6:30 before work with my Labrador Sheba trying to shed a few pounds you know but no one claps for me then and calls me heroic so I'm gonna do it on Sunday afternoon for the cure and everyone's gonna go throw rain oh yeah you could do it but you want to [ __ ] it is it's a 10k fun-run about you you [ __ ] megalomaniac stop it you know you're not doing [ __ ] you can just get the check from your friend and then actually do something it means something other than running we're cooked we're getting donations and we're petitioning City Hall for a spot in the park too big make a big granite slab for the victims and the sufferers and the survivors of the thing and then we're gonna painstakingly fetch each name of the people into the stone at great expense for what it's a [ __ ] chunk of rock it doesn't help put that time and effort and money into actually something that's calculated that actually helps we're gonna knit a SARS quilt it's gonna take all summer long there's people with SARS and their chili with SARS let me go but we're gonna have a prayer circle we're gonna have a candlelight vigil at midnight could you do less mathematically ask your accountant if there's any way you could do any less than that well we are raising awareness raising awareness is another form of doing nothing only now you're making me aware that the nothing that I've been doing is not up to par with the nothing that you're doing for such a noble cause why don't you do my nothing for your God will watch storage wars for the cure they will both be happy in our impotence and we'll find out what's in that safe y'all win raising awareness is me standing next to a drainage ditch where a guy just hit a goat with his moped on the highway and now they're in the ditch laying in the muck with compound fractures and the dude's got a bone sticking through his leg how the [ __ ] goats got a bone sticking through his fur they're both laying there in agony and I'm raising awareness by standing above them shouting down an empty Highway they're going no help no no no no way easier to just look are you aware of breast cancer [ __ ] the entire month of October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month the entire country turns pink so you can't not be aware of all your products you go to the grocery store you usually I buy the Progresso soup but this month I'm going to get the one with the pink ribbon so I know that I've done all I can to help my fellow man I don't read the fine print that says Oh point zero zero zero zero zero one cents of every can up to a very minimal amount goes to oh it actually goes nowhere near a titty ever at all it goes to more promotional material asking for more money and to give very dubious medical advice where a lot of kiddies get chopped off that didn't need to because we're an industry not a charity anymore I don't read that part I just see the pink ribbon and know that I'm helping you've destroyed the color pink no need for that compare I like the color pink you've ruined it you see pink that's all you can think about I have a pink bedroom my bedroom is pink I can't sleep in it during October cuz you just see the color and all you think about is giant metastasizing titties sucking the life out of some poor woman why you [ __ ] up a color associated with something else that's negative you know traffic and weather brought to you at the top of the hour on [ __ ] 6:20 a.m. hey traffic sucks again this is brought to you by breast cancer I think next time you're stuck in traffic you go oh [ __ ] this sucks but not as bad as cancer maybe I should try to help don't [ __ ] up a color you watch football this is where I went too far with me the National Football League participates in Breast Cancer Awareness Month first of all why is it Breast Cancer Awareness Month rather than Cancer Awareness Month I assume if you cure breast cancer that would cure ass cancer and face cancer [ __ ] cancer oh it's cancer cuz kiddies sell tickets stupid okay I forget the marketing Idol maybe you're right on that still the National Football League participates with the pink gloves and just pink on the players wear if you think football is stupid you're right but it's my stupid you have your stupid you can judge me in sports you do you have your own stupid you play World of Warcraft or you do renaissance festivals or [ __ ] when Brian doyle-murray look like competitions you [ __ ] do we grow organic apples and sell them at the farmers market you'll learn how to speak Italian on the rosetta stone so one day you can impress your friends by ordering an Italian at a restaurant and the [ __ ] waiter at Olive Garden looks at you're going I don't know what you're saying dude whatever you do football is my stupid that's what I do for a few hours on a weekend in the fall to forget how much I hate myself I don't want to think about breast cancer while I'm watching football to get away from this it's hard enough to watch football as it is if you're a fan without constantly thinking about AIDS you have to push that out of your head inherently if you're a fan of the game with with the technology that they have now you watch Monday Night Football or Super Bowl they have cameras now that come down on cables right over the field like right over the players heads almost touching them you have 60 inches of high-definition you have a camera panning around 11 men bent up in a huddle presenting these beautiful thick man asses as zooming in on each one and it creates this Bangkok whorehouse scenario in your brain you feel a little Tuggle in your sweatpants like oh oh what if they were behind glass in Phuket which one would I select for my evenings entertainment from the Cambodian guy that runs the place and he's got an eyepatch and I go jigged I go dad he pulls the guy out number 28 I haven't even seen all the guys and I impulse buy on 28 he's uh he's a halfback with these sinewy horse haunches leaning into me and in my mind before I can make a rational decision I've already leaped over the railing at the field I'm streaking butt-naked across field wearing nothing but I'm wearing an 1800s nightcap that's striping with a pom pom I don't know why that but I'm wearing flip-flops because they make you run funnier but my dick is slapping up and down against my belly you make your dick however big you want it to be it's your fantasy have your big slap in your chest have your big pick a tooth out on the way to the huddle it doesn't matter just get the 28 and yank them out of the huddle I've put pin them to the ground hold them down with one elbow peel those they wear these little like or pants so [ __ ] Gordon you just peel them off them he's sweaty they're just gonna slide off like a wet band-aid don't [ __ ] with a jockstrap it's no obstacle to the [ __ ] you're wasting time plus the little scraps keep the ass gene up and focus comes off his ass get your face in there you huff that Steve you hump it like a gassy rag inhale his essence and you peel those ass cheeks apart with your thumbnails like like you're cracking a cage free farm fresh egg and you take your dick don't stab them with it right away he's up with it here we go in and up [ __ ] - Gayle bone people [ __ ] - tail bone watch him struggle he knows it's gonna happen he doesn't know when uh uh [ __ ] tailbone pull on his facemask a bit twist his neck pull on his dreadlocks and these are not Occupy Wall Street dreadlocks by the way this is a black dude this is straight-up racism this is a hate crime because because you are pretty sure that your ex-wife used to fantasize about this guy doing similar [ __ ] to her you doing oh yeah you want to do that to my wife you'll never get a thicker boner than that angry racist jealousy boner veins are coming out of the head and nothing makes you crazier and when you get that boater you're just jamming in them like a fat salamander and you ride you do that porn angle where you bend your dick down and do deep knee bends so you can look at the people you have 55,000 people are now out of their chairs on their feet chanting for you hey low-key like [ __ ] that guy [ __ ] this is his home field and they're on your side all of a sudden oh yeah they're spilling beer you can feel the rubber start to slide off of you but you don't give a [ __ ] this is my day they love me I've got a launch and rainbows up comin to this broken [ __ ] and you do you're not even done coming when you pull out your dicks just still fire hosing swaying back and forth getting rid of the last of the spurts and and you have a endzone celebration dance that you've worked out in the hallway mirror all season little old school icky shuffle thing spike the ball right next to his head he's blubbering like snot bubbles and crying he's not even making an attempt to get up this [ __ ] is still dilated spasming his [ __ ] is winking like a cyclops in a rainstorm trying to regain its original shape one milky tear is dripping down the tail crying for you and you flow out of this perfect Sunday afternoon on this perfect day dream back into the stark reality of its just view as some bloated posts middle-aged dude with a lump sum yellowed gummy calm in your gut hair and you look around you feel immediate remorse and shame I I let the rubber come off inside of that guy how irresponsible is that knowing what we know today to just bareback [ __ ] a guy I don't know where that guy's been I know where he's going he's going into free agency he's [ __ ] 32 now he's got [ __ ] knees cuz lucky if he's warming a bench in Jacksonville but I don't know where he's been just bareback [ __ ] that I could have fantasy AIDS as we speak I'm gonna do it again and as you're dealing with this you want to escape you look at the TV pink shoes I have to think about breast cancer on top of this problem you're ruining the integrity of the game breast cancer this is what we do on Sunday to forget how much we hate ourselves and I don't uh I hope I didn't ruffle any feathers but as an openly gay comedian I feel a responsibility to talk about a lot of issues that buddy what are you gonna test me you don't know if I'm lying I can be as gay as I want to be up here [ __ ] you you're gonna strap me to a chair and blow loads in my face to see if I'm fibbing when I say I love it okay every [ __ ] it needs to be I'm gay I'm [ __ ] gay and you should be gay I come out of the closet all the time it's some fun for me do it all the time not saying lie to your friends and family or lead a fake life but if you're just in some [ __ ] social situation around people you don't know if you can drop the arrant I'm gay in a conversation not relevant or II like I have to tell you just prop it as an aside is it just you and your girlfriend for breakfast uh that's not my girlfriend I'm gay but it's just two of us is it a buffet or can i order off the menu just drop in just if everyone was just someone else I guess they're just gay cuz here's the thing I love homosexuality I defend it up but I hate [ __ ] nough stetic liam blazing the hole that i love our shiny we don't have to do that that's the same I live to have nothing against Jewish people I hate jewy miss in the claming hanging Janka no am i allergic it's just like that personally that's unpleased I hate anyone who leads with their sexuality homo or hetero if I know your sexuality in the first 30 seconds of meeting you you're [ __ ] annoying heteros are the same way if you have naked lady mud flaps there you go Oh after you show you want to go to Hooters or you just watch the game for the cheerleaders just go into a basement a jerk-off you [ __ ] teenager thirteen-year-old and then come back when we got to have a regular conversation goes nothing that's why I like to come out of the closet as just a normal dude a guy on the plane going yeah I remember when stewardesses used to be hot now they're all fat you go yeah I'm right with you buddy I [ __ ] thank Christ I'm queer cuz they are fat as [ __ ] is it but just because maybe somewhere around you when you just drop on normal I'm gay in a conversation there is an adolescent kid who's just coming to terms with the fact that he's gay and he's [ __ ] terrified not only it just being gay maybe he thinks he has to be jump out of the cake and ride a [ __ ] float assless chaps Ice Capades gay and he hears you say it's just like a normal dude I'm gay and he goes oh I can do that I can be just regular Anderson Cooper Todd glass Joel Osteen and you give them courage and it's in the Supreme Court now for gay marriage and I hope you get it get the right to marry and then don't it's important to get the right not just symbolically but sometimes you have to be married to game the system you need the insurance you need the inheritance you need to pull the plug maybe you just need to get someone cool into the country yeah so you need it for that but don't if you don't have to it's kind of like the civil rights movement where black people had to fight for the right to eat at the same lunch counter once you won that right I hope you didn't as a [ __ ] racist why would you support his business unless you're just trying to [ __ ] with him and show up just cuz he doesn't want you which I understand and maybe that's where you started not tipping if so every tradition has to start somewhere let's just close for a good cause have a great night is Portland it was nice to be back I'll see you soon we'll so do you mind just come back down the stairs yeah they're totally my wood oh great sorry Oh Oh would you have another camera no that's it want them to come back up - do you want them to follow you but I just asked me to come back down this here oh sure you want to just I don't know that yeah yeah thank you are coming down the stairs all right bye that was a show brought to you by of me you

Channel: AshCash147

Views: 965,140

Rating: 4.8106489 out of 5

Keywords: Doug Stanhope, Beer hall putsch, stand up, PogChamp

Id: gS49wg9WD2Y

Length: 60min 40sec (3640 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 09 2016