r/WhitePeopleTwitter | Garfield Arrives

a little secret about me my answer to the question would you like your receipt is always based on absolutely nothing and changes all the time our / white people Twitter because I can't do the other one Oh in disclaimer we live in the ruins of superior generations oh god he's one of these guys hear about this just a bunch of Garfield phones that just washed up on a beach one day I clicked on make a reservation on a restaurants page and it opened FaceTime instead of calling them I cannot stress enough how much I do not want that to happen I can't send my family any pictures of my cat because they end up editing your and Arad chicken every good I have lived next to the same guy for three years thought his name was Steve I call him Steve his name is Steve in my phone I have been to his apartment we've had dinner his name is Brian his dog is Steve isn't it weird how we have 1 million dogs and everyone is like Goldendoodle visser Chihuahua mix that and if you asked someone what kind of cat they have it's just like an orange one my cat was having trouble peeing so we took him to the vet and he was diagnosed with crystals yeah I know really sad but the worst part is now he won't stop meowing about how aligned his chakras are and greeting me with namaste BBC news airline to help passengers avoid screaming babies superb idea a few years ago I was on a long-haul flight between two screaming almost demonic children I pleaded with the stewardess to move me away from them for the sake of my sanity she refused on their ridiculous grounds that I'm their father waiter sets down check me my treat thank you so much me grabbing mint on check for what ad my daughter's school it's medieval day everyone else wore Disney princess dresses or homemade Knight costumes this kid this kid marches to his own drum hashtag plague doctor respects a little bit of scp-049 or Corvis clemens for those of you who are in that circle me depression is the worst i just want to sleep all day I've just been eating the same thing for every meal life has no color my dog oh my god I have depression food mascots and whether or not I'd be able to kick their ass we got they would absolutely kick my ass fair fight I could definitely kick their ass I honestly just loved how he's included the Gerber baby is something he could kick their ass like come on anyone else be seeing these little things floating around in your eye House of did you get a picture of this who needs pockets when you got sunburned ah I have genuinely never been so disgusted at something in my entire life the biggest spider my room is now named cotton eyed Joe because I want to know two things where did he come from and where did he go I just saw a guy the library cry for five or six minutes and then his phone alarm went off and he just stopped crying and went right on back to work it's called time management Jessica naima better than Kylie Jenner my a 92 year old grandmother who survived four years in Asha with's nine year old I learned a joke at school me okay let's hear it 9 what goes in stiff but comes out soft me 9 year old me 9 year old me is it from another room spaghetti it's spaghetti after my great-grandparents hilda and Ernest died my grandparents were clearing out their stuff and Ernest went deaf later in life and he and Hilda couldn't be bothered to learn sign language so they passed notes and my Nana found a note that said Ernest please [ __ ] off I don't get people like Bezos if I had billions of dollars I would impulsively start fixing homeless vets I don't think so hungry children not on my watch he could be Batman what a waste city wants to go to space what the hell dude did y'all mother is no an ostrich can kick them out of a lion so goddamn hard the lion dies right there what the that's crazy a huge ash durant bird can dropkick a 400-pound cat and kill its ass home a can run a you forty miles an hour what the you gonna do if you got extendo chicken running at you like you a 2004 Jeep Wrangler just to pull up and Chuck Norris roundhouse you it's over cold-blooded America has more governors who've worn black face when black governors politifact yeah yeah we fact check this hey it's true me the Eagles won last night coworkers oh did you watch the game I mean covered in blood and scratches what game I got tested for a bunch of STDs and they didn't get back to me for a week so I called and and the woman was like okay so you got chlamydia gonorrhea syphilis HIV and you tested negative for all of them ma'am why would you say it like that because the one part of her job that gives her Joy's scaring the hell out of people that's why she would say it like that all right so yesterday someone pointed out that screaming during sex is the same as screaming parkour well you parkour and I haven't been the same since I think my favorite auntie Greta talking point is she should be in school like buddy she's out there giving speeches in her second language at age 16 well you're a grown-ass man living in constant fear of the duolingo a Lola huh okay so in drinking the sweetened milk left over from my bowl of honey nut cheerios it suddenly occurred to me that I was sucking down cow juice Swede with artificial bee spit I didn't stop but I did buzz it's best not to overthink some things I love baby boomers who say kids don't even know how to write cursive in a negative way like okay grandma you can't even turn your laptop on without getting six viruses and wiring half your retirement money through a Nigerian prince good someone please explain to me how colonizing Mars for humanity's survival is a more reasonable and easy option than just taking better care of the earth and not killing each other well it's simple because rocket ships are awesome we don't deserve librarians attention there will be no snakes at this Friday's anti-prom at the library there was a typo in a local paper that said we will have snakes we will have snacks snacks is what we will have now you say we have anything against snakes in fact snakes will be at the library in May during the team distressing day reptile hang out so just to summarize April 12 no snakes May 22nd yes snakes if you have any questions about our programs please don't hesitate call us at phone number or send us a message me I'm gonna make a totally sick Halloween costume this year also me dude here 28 and you have no friends why the hell would you do that me yeah I need to lose weight first anyway that that'll be my new year's resolution and the cycle repeats me robbing a bank okay everyone hands in the air everyone puts hands up me already mad with power what hop this time NASA employee oh hey you guys are back early astronaut modes haunted what astronaut loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket ship moons haunted why do British people still eat like they're in the 1800s and don't have electricity Yorick Shia we have an important question Christmas cake with or without cheese why do Americans that you'd like they have free health care hmm my son just told me that I have a fixed mindset and he has a growth mindset so he's banned from YouTube until I can figure out what's good I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they'll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives that's pretty goddamn evil therapist Super Mario 64 was a long time ago Luigi not being in a Mario game won't happen anymore a lack of Luigi isn't real it can't hurt you Nintendo Mario Kart tour we got Luigi there but if you look closely we have no Luigi instead we got baby peach dry bones shy guy metal Vario dry bones Bowser and like two versions of peach toadette spiffy Mario and Pauline all of these were chosen before Luigi and he's on the boxart what piece of pop culture has ruined your first name my name is Karen do you really have to ask do you see the manager who said rednecks can't wear sunglasses [Music] Elon Musk not a single breathing talking walking living person out of his 7 billion people on this planet has ever said that I want Tim Carrey to have a larger catalogue damn it sir I have appeared in over 230 television and film productions acted in 25 large-scale theater shows recorded four music albums let my voice to over 50 audiobooks many pushing 10 plus hours in length and seduced many humans in my 72 years please I had to sleep now and again oh boy we're at the outro to this episode if you enjoyed this video then hit the like button subscribe that'd be really cool if you did yeah this is this is pretty much just 20 seconds that I dedicate at the end of each video so that way end cards don't show up on your video because I'm nice like that anyways I'll see you all next time

Channel: Oz Media

Views: 1,136,189

Rating: 4.9525304 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, reddit cringe, satire, comedy, funny, whitepeopletwitter, r/whitepeopletwitter, white people twitter, funny twitter, funny reddit, oz

Id: r34x8lq4lpE

Length: 11min 40sec (700 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 01 2019