r/Tumblr | HE'S TRASH

dale get out of the hot tub we're stealing a news van it's the perfect crime how will they ever report it i'll never get over how great this joke is [Music] hi my name's jack welcome back to mk so um what e the hacky are you doing here oh you must be here for some good old content well content's not here right now he's doing his homework in the meanwhile you can play with tumblr instead oh tumblr you have some friends to play with today honestly my dream is to not be famous myself but to be married to a famous person purely so i could go to events full of other famous people and pretend i've never heard of any of them i would love to watch the look on leonardo dicaprio's face as i ask him what he does for a living and when he incredulously tells me he's an actor take a sip of my drink and ask oh and how's that working out for you oh god i'm triggered as someone who does acting stuff oh i hate dealing with these people oh my god this tiny gin urso went to star wars celebration and handed out copies of the death star plans to every layer she saw you left out the best part she left the last one at carrie fisher's memorial oh my heart beats more my young child today i learned in 2002 a researcher found that the average eight-year-old british child could identify 80 of pokemon but only 50 of common wildlife species okay okay but to be fair come on wildlife species don't normally yell their names at you what's that animal lion lion i'm a child kidnapper a child child baby armadillo look at him that's so cute humans will pet anything how wonderful then to live on a planet full of creatures that like to be petted it's true we we really are quite privileged as human species i downloaded pokemon go to see what all the hype was about and walked outside there was one of the critters on my back porch sitting on one of the patio chairs i lobbed a ball at him and caught him he's a little blue fella named squirtle my grandma downloaded pokemon go this is so pure honestly what i love about the elderly you know discovering things like this is it's like an extremely mature child first experiencing something in life my toddler said i was his second favorite person and i was bummed but then he said that his mom is third he has no favorite person he's holding the position open power move apparently when my grandma first came to america she didn't know what a raccoon was and assumed it was a fricked up cat and adopted it i just imagine this 13 year old girl with a heavy eastern european accent being like this is my cat peter is not very friendly remember when you could say stuff like the earth is round or naughties are bad and be absolutely certain everyone who heard you would agree remember when you could say we shouldn't attack children with tear gas and be absolutely certain who heard you would agree remember when you could say you shouldn't let your children catch fatal preventable diseases and be absolutely certain everyone who heard you would agree oh to be a kid in front of a bin of multicolored rocks in an obscure gift shop oh yes that was my stuff when i was a little kid i freaking loved dragons so of course i loved gems and shiny rocks like this i needed every single type i think i just wanted to be a dragon when i was a kid i oh god i was a furry as a kid oh god i am not liking this revelation on myself we're ruining the planet i'm sorry who is this we i i don't recall myself running a billion dollar oil business sometimes i use the keurig and i feel bad but then i remember just 100 companies are responsible for 71 of global emissions but guys money that and like you know a lot of people are employed and rely on them for income and it's kind of harder than just trashing it all down but still there's childish gambino and someone i'm not familiar with but feel free to tell me an idiot for not knowing in the comments these are the same picture just on opposite sides of the spectrum ah thank you admiral rainbow for giving us a perfect childish gambino with the rejection uh the middle image there with the consideration and the final image would be all right today i learned that the shortest marriage in recorded history was three minutes on the way out of the courthouse the bride tripped over and fell instead of helping her up the broom called her stupid on the spot the bride insisted the magistrate and all the wedding and the magistrate complied but yeah i have to agree good for her going through customs at a us airport airport staff sir do you have anything to declare today uh no trips and falls hundreds of kinder surprise eggs roll out of my pockets jacket and briefcase get on the ground now but i am oh god swim around and pin me down what's in the air we don't know it's a surprise we live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity um okay but i don't recall my virginity having 16 gigabytes of memory with all my contacts music photos calendars and apps or costing over 200 my phone has an expensive and important material object and not a useless social construct put in place to shame and commodify women plus i remember where i lost my virginity okay but to be fair i can guarantee people are willing to pay more than 200 bucks for some virginity there are some creepy disgusting people out there but hey if you're willing to get the money patrick's watches are by far the funniest thing in the world to me right now yeah gotta give it give props to that band-aid one that's uh that's creative you're not some daddy's boy who tries to dolphin me and then blimps i understand all those words separately when you talk to a native speaker who uses slang but you've only ever learned formal language in class today i learned when people are electrocuted and thrown far distances it is a result of sudden and violent muscle contraction and not the result of the shock this says raise questions as to the actual strength and capabilities of the muscles in the human body are you telling me we are capable of eating ourselves when under extreme stress okay honestly that is actually a really cool fact it reminds me of this other one i can't remember the exact details of it but basically if all of our muscles all over in our body we're at one point of like to pull something we could pull like an entire car with ease don't quote me on that i heard that story when i was having drinks with a friend and i probably didn't hear it properly i had quite a few espresso martinis 13 to 16 year olds nowadays don't have a grey point they'll say something like racial issues prevail because the heads of the capitalist system are benefited by it and three seconds later tweet something like bob the builder owns my ooze without batting an eye this is the true gen z experience once in my sixth hour we were talking about 911 and i announced very loudly more people died in hurricane maria than in 911 but nobody really cares because you can't use hurricanes to justify imperialism and then not even five seconds later i said yeehaw my beats gen z is going to become the best and worst of humanity i can just see it in primary school we had a creative writing assignment where we had to write about a character in a new strange situation and well i wrote about a squid that was somehow teleported from the ocean to the forest floor and slowly choked to death for two pages and i'll never quite forget my teacher's face because it turns out she wanted this new school is scary i hope i make friends and not a graphic description of a squid dying so basically she wanted the opening to every single bland high school anime out there but instead you gave her art well that's just the risk you take if you decide to teach creative writing in 1930 helene adelaide shelby patented an apparatus for obtaining criminal confessions the police put the suspect into a darkened chamber where they are confronted by a human skeleton with glowing red eyes that questions them with a voice transmitted from the interrogator behind it through a megaphone in its mouth the camera concealed in the skull was to record the confessions what confess your sins to the crime skeleton for the record and for the fact this wasn't actually ever fully made it was just patented they didn't actually try this out so there was no way of this actually working but hey considering back then people weren't really suspicious of things like this and really took things at face value i wouldn't be surprised if it was somewhat effective what's a gender-neutral word you could use for your spouse uh husband heif lifespinned would you like a hint you you literally said it there's your hint i may be stupid you know having a post like this blow up really makes me feel like a lowly jester who having made a suitable funny has created an uproar in the royal hall with the diplomats and aristocrats belly laughing demanding more more as they throw firecrackers at my feet okay so you can't think of the word spare speaking right that beautiful level of literature what how does your brain brain exactly here's a heart attack gift wrap is dumb 95 of the time you can just hand something to thing and accomplish the same task society has conditioned us to love wrapping stuff up for no reason probably by gift wrap industry people counterpoint monkey instinct says uncovering secret bounty from colorful shell good as freak oh wow you must be a rare pokemon [Music] i can never interact with my neighbor again holy freak i was outside with my cat just now and he went behind a shrub for a bit and me not realizing my neighbor was on the other side of that same shrub poked my head around and said wail out of the necessary my scrumptious darling boy whatever are you doing over there and this 40-something man i rarely speak to handled it with remarkable grace and very tentatively responded watering my roses you that is something i'm glad to be third party to and not to be the one perpetrating it a cute girl told me she has lots of plants in her house and i told her for some freaking reason damn the oxygen at your place must be mad crisp and somehow still got her number so chase your dreams nothing is impossible apparently sounds like somebody's going to have to buy some extra plants at their house because they're going to be producing a lot more carbon dioxide in the atmosphere because they'll be because there'll be two people breathing a lot in there in the place that's because of all the um uh so they'll need a lot more plants it's i'm just i'm i could recommend there's a plant sale on this weekend if you want to go there my family are farmers from my mother's side and when i was a kid my grandmother said something along the lines of if you can grow anything you have a pure heart plants feed off your soul as much as they feed off the earth be kind to them they pray to god she told me this while taking off the spikes of cactus pears now i buy dyeing plants from the hardware store on clarence and easily bring them back to life every time i doubt my heart i bring home hordes of plants to bring back to life as if it's a test of the purity of my soul every plant i have dies well according to an old lady in an old ass village in palestine you are feminine pup then oh joey wheeler yeah how the frick does youtube mine all this data into micro target ads of me yet it continues to pour unwatchable sludge into my actual recommendations yeah today i learned that the first ever speeding ticket was issued to walter arnold on the 28th of january 1896 in kent england he was blitzing through the town at eight miles per hour four times the legal limit was chased for five miles by a police officer on a bicycle and was fined one chilling when he was finally glad they caught that sick frick top five things in cartoon trash apple core fish skeleton bottle tin can with a jar lid miscellaneous background lumps of dark green hey how the freak can you leave out my main man banana peel this taxidermy was found inside a late 19th century french mansion which has been sealed up for more than 100 years well good to know people were just as freaking weird before the internet the zombie outbreak started two years ago now you find yourself cornered by a decaying zombie when you do the unthinkable and bite it first when it falls to the floor and it grows its skin back and sits up and asks what is going on this may be the best subversive idea for zombie apocalypse stories i think i've ever seen how the frick did you know that would work i didn't dude i just freaking panicked people are always like no game is perfect you can't please everybody but when was the last time you heard a motherflipper complain about portal should have contained more portals i was disappointed by the number of portals you see i i hate to break this to you but you as the player are always in direct control of the amount of portals are you trying to make them responsible for their own ability how dare you apparently i'm playing skyrim again and by playing skyrim i obviously mean spending hours installing mods before i ever open the game for play with todd do you ever think before you post yes i think buddy and hit post mate i love the pure honesty you're a humble soul i hate how on tumblr a username like lisa 486 is almost certainly abnormal while someone named solid stink's ass cheeks is almost certainly a real person i could be enough but if i wanted to today i learned our walking speed is affected by whom we're with men's pace slows down by an average of seven percent when walking with female partners they're interested in women walking together moved the slowest and men walking with male friends moved to speeds faster than either man's preferred walking speed just zooming around with the lads well there it is guys scientifically proven hoes just slow you down god damn it well before we go today we've got some fan art work today's beautiful beautifulness is by impossible to say well i just proved that wrong didn't i oh i'm so good i don't know if it really counts but they tried well what did you try at oh you made a clay one dude i actually i love the colors not gonna lie the thumb and index finger makes us look like a glorified mug in a way but i still like it for that sense i want to make a can someone who knows how to do good pottery make us an mk mug that would be that'll be lovely thanks for the beautiful work i'm possible tosai and remember guys gals and non-binary pals if you'd like to see your future artwork in another video coming up make sure you post your artwork in the mk subreddit that's where we see it and that's where we grab them i love you for sticking by and hey why not show your love back and like this video also if you're new to the channel hey click the subscribe and click that notification bell too so you're always updated on when you get to enjoy us again now i must leave you for now but nonetheless it has been lovely talking to you today and i'll see you for the next one my name's been jack bye bye

Channel: EmKay

Views: 299,905

Rating: 4.9648108 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, r/, subreddit, best of reddit, r/ top posts, top posts, top posts of all time, reddit top posts, 100% True stories, reddit true stories, top all time, reddit posts, reddit stories, ask reddit, funny reddit, emkay, memes, r/tumblr, tumblr

Id: TudMwvpZHbE

Length: 15min 4sec (904 seconds)

Published: Fri Nov 27 2020