Mr. Plinkett's Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Review

indiana jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull is the fourth film in the indiana jones film series it stars harrison ford kate blanchard and shyla buff get on chris they had some fun moments but overall it was pretty disappointing that's the end thanks for watching my review check out my web zone for more information about my reviews and be sure to like us on facebook and follow us on twitter hit the subscribe button and the like button if you like this video and you want to see more videos like it this week's shout out goes to user kaylee319 who says your reviews are great and user xxswfan92 says get off your lazy [ __ ] ass and give us what we want you fat homo no one cares about half in the back oh but i just did the indiana jones review oh wait i guess you want something a little more in depth right okay let's start this over here goes nothing indiana jones in the kingdom of the crystal skull is the most disappointing thing since well probably the phantom menace i can't recall the last time when such a beloved pairing created such an embarrassing turd at least not since chaz bono the only saving grace here is that this is just some random crappy indiana jones adventure lord knows there have been a lot of those already so it's not like it ruined some very important backstory like another series of films did but like the prequels the choices made here are just baffling did you two guys forget to take your brain medicine you know the medicine that doesn't make you do crazy things because if you needed to borrow some i've got a lot of it number one uncovering a mystery indiana jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull is a movie nobody wanted to make i'm done with this series it was great let's walk away there was also a movie that everybody wanted to see until they did and in the end though everybody lost except for karen allen who got to take a break from her job in a toll booth to once again star in a feature film i guess whoever got paid to work on the movie 102 because they got paid but the audience had to suffer through another sad chapter from the what could have been great book that's currently being written by george lucas indiana jones and the attack of the giant ants the difference this time is that certain elements seem to have been in place to prevent another disaster we have a competent director named steven spielberg who has continued to make mostly good movies a fine director of photography named janusz scam cam can we edit that out harrison ford is back in the starring role a screenwriter that's not george lucas and most importantly george lucas isn't a screenwriter and he wasn't directing it either he was just helping out with the story and throwing out ideas like he did before so what the [ __ ] happened that was george's idea george said you know i'd love to introduce harrison this time playing indy in the trunk of a car and i said that's fine by me but you'd see like indiana jones i'm an archaeologist of sorts and no i'm not talking about finding bones in my basement because i know how those got there but i'm gonna look into this mystery to the best of my ability so we could try to solve it i will put my finger deep into this analysis and try to scoop out the truth that i know is down inside that dark cave oh my god look out it's a giant turd let's continue let's start by renaming this film we'll call it indiana jones and the policy of no refunds no that doesn't make a lot of sense how about indiana jones and the mystery of why this movie didn't work because it's hard to point your finger at one specific detail oh my god okay i guess that could be it but it's more of a blur of bad so i'm no stranger to the indiana jones films in fact next to star wars star trek and the olsen twins movies it's my favorite series of films to masturbate to oh i didn't mean to say that out loud oh my god oh my god oh oh i'm gonna come i'm gonna come out oh my god my tv oh no oh it's blasted a hole in my tv screen oh [ __ ] oh i can't stop coming you see i have every image every sound every line of dialogue practically burns into my brain the indiana jones films aren't exactly works of art though and they're not really meant to be they're well made tongue-in-cheek action-adventure films that once again pay homage to the old serials of the past that george lucas and steven spielberg enjoyed watching as kids it's those things that inspired them to make movies of their own you see these films are less about the characters and realism and more about the spectacle in the adventure so when the time came to actually make another one of these films well what exactly could the thought process have been i guess this should have started with we better not but since they didn't let's do what i do best ejaculate blood into a storm drain wait what number two what's this next film that no one wants to make going to be about anyway when deciding to do a fourth indiana jones movie these are the questions that probably came up number one when do we set it well harrison is 65 years old so probably sometime in the late 1950s number two who are the bad guys since the nazis are gone the russians seem like a good choice it was the height of the cold war so that makes sense russians number three we need another character gimmick right people liked when sean connery was in the other one but he's too old now and we did that already hiring angie's son seems to make sense how about a greaser someone that would conflict with him a little like the dad did in the beginning it was a daughter he didn't know about and i thought that'd be a great thing steven actually didn't like that idea and lastly what's the story about well that was the first misstep aliens and indiana jones is weird and strange could have been good if it was done right but i don't know george lucas had this idea for indiana jones and it was basically hey let's do aliens what about sputner didn't that happen in 1957 something soviet with the russians george insisted and he didn't he said this would be like a b movie it would be like those 1950s b movies could go to russia do ukraine siberia or whatever there's a lot of history there and probably some kind of cool archaeological with the idea of taking the genre um from the 1930s cereals action-adventure cereal stop talking the bee science fiction movies well maybe the russians are some kind of super weapon and indiana jones is called out of retirement to help stop them these are interdimensional beings they're not extraterrestrials they're interdimensional so i said fine fine but we went with the aliens because that's what george wanted why is she so important since when does being a billionaire that owns the company making the movie mean you have some kind of saying it is but it's been a kind of long road to get everybody to agree and we're not gonna do the movie unless all three of us agree on it anyways you see indiana jones and the saucer men from mars was actually george lucas's original idea in the mid 90s it had indiana jones running around with the live alien name gubu and it also dealt with indiana jones getting married too a lot of these ideas were eventually shoved into this movie along with tons of other [ __ ] [ __ ] which is why this movie feels like a hodgepodge of crap from all over the place and not a singular solid idea what were these people smoking cigarettes number three the indiana jones structure the indiana jones films have worked on a basic principle of repetition like the verse chorus verse structure of a pop song and like other successful film series they succeed with the same but different approach most people complain that sequels are just the original film done over again just a little different maybe different location maybe different characters but essentially the same story or idea the james bond franchise has gotten away with this 21 times there will always be an exception to the rule of course but the same but different theory will usually apply people don't like things that are different and they want the same [ __ ] that they got last time anybody want a pizza roll email me if you want a pizza roll post a comment on my web zone if you would like me to send you a pizza roll in the mail people like sameness predictability and they don't like to take chances of trying new things that's why we have applebee's oh god thinking about applebee's just made me throw up in my own stomach however with this film given the vast amount of time that it passed i think some kind of risk might have been justified i ain't talking about putting in a [ __ ] ufo the original formula just didn't work here for many reasons risk is why i love the temple of doom so much it's because it's unapologetic for what it is and it took a lot of chances willie scott was there for comic relief and the kid was there for kid appeal i suppose but at its core the movie was really dark we decided to go darker potter i guess i was going through a divorce at the time and i wasn't in a good mood it had devil worshippers child slave labor guy getting killed by a flaming shish kabob human sacrifice with the heart being ripped out and so on now you can argue whether or not this is the best or worst film of the series but at least they took a big risk the last crusade was a good time to play it safe this is not so what do i mean by all this well the first three films were inspired by those old adventure cereals right traveling shooting adventure discovery exotic foreign lands and romance weird cultures etc but then they say that all this is a homage to the 1950s sci-fi b-movie and i wanted to rest it on a cinematic or did i give you permission to talk this movie has nothing to do with those old sci-fi movies it's just the same adventure serial crap from the first three movies with an alien thing in it if it was a 50s sci-fi b movie indiana jones would spend most of the movie in a laboratory talking to government scientists about things and that then something might land in the city or there would be like a ray gun or weird robot thing would try to take over the world i don't know what i'm saying is something radically different was needed with this fourth movie there are other kinds of adventure and action in movies you know but that would have been a really big risk to not have indie do the same shtick in the same formula indiana jones is too iconic for his own good anyhow let's quickly recap the basic elements from the indiana jones film so you know where i'm coming from i assume you've seen the films if you're watching this review if not you should get your [ __ ] head checked one indiana jones character introduction let's start with indy and he always gets a cool introduction to the movies the coolest reveal is of course in raiders oh snap in tumblr doom he's like cool and suave and wearing a white tuxedo it's cool because we see india in an environment we haven't seen him in before the third film is a cool reveal too i guess because there's a neat transition from youth to adulthood even though it starts with them getting punched in the face number two stock characters next indie formula dictates that we need a main villain a secondary villain and the muscle we had bellog and major tote moloram chatter lol and donovan and elsa schneider the muscle characters are there to have an elongated fight sequence with indiana jones for the purposes of action and or adventure number one was the big guy by the plane who gets [ __ ] killed in the propeller blades number two is the bearded turban man who gets [ __ ] crushed by a rock crusher number three was general vogel in the tank who gets [ __ ] crushed when he falls off a cliff number three female lead the first film is marion ravenwood second film is willie scott and the third is dr elsa schneider and while most of you will argue that willie scott was irritating as [ __ ] at least she was different in fact each character was unique and memorable for general plot [ __ ] each indie film begins with an opening sequence that generally has nothing to do with the main plot it's just to establish indiana jones and to set the tone the golden idol had nothing to do with the lost ark the cremated remains of nirhachi had nothing to do with the glowing rocks of whatever from the temple of doom and the last crusade the cross of coronado had nothing to do with the holy grail rather than the obvious religious symbolism but remember i'm talking about the main plot typically then everything follows the basic structure of an average screenplay after the opening action sequence indiana jones gets the information about what he's going to go after city of tennis is one of the possible resting places of the lost ark so you will go to bangkok palace the holy grail dr jones he travels somewhere gathers more clues and information then there's an action scene or two which are interspersed with some new information and twists eventually indiana jones is put in the worst possible position where it seems like everything is lost he's trapped in a snake pit he's a slave to maularam and his dad is trapped in the tank everybody's [ __ ] eventually andy fights back and he's pushed to his physical limitations he manages to eventually overcome the bad guys and there's some resolution to the body remember those and i ain't talking about the one i put my wife in number four cracks in the crystal skull now on to the excrement the problem with all this is that the crystal skull does seem to follow this pattern enough you're at an opening action sequence bad guys the muscle love interest plot introduction travel discovery interspersed with action sequences low point final fight and resolution so what went so [ __ ] horribly wrong well the details for starters and all the ideas too mostly coming from you know that guy the one that wanted the third film to take place in a haunted house the original story for the third film was a haunted castle movie but stephen had just finished poltergeist so he said i don't want to do another haunted castle i said okay what thankfully we had steven spielberg to not let that [ __ ] happen and they appeared to compromise and anyway at first it didn't bode too well because i think george had a different idea because of what it was about or at least he seemed more willing to tell george lucas that his ideas were terrible i'm going to take the haunted castle and put it at the beginning for the teaser but this time i'm not sure what happened spielberg either lost his ability or willingness to shut the crap down or he just didn't care but regardless of whatever the pre-production process was crystal skull feels like a movie directed by five different people and the ideas of 27 other people all shoved into one movie so let's try to make some sense of the structure crystal skull unlike the other films opens with the sequence directly tied to the main plot of the movie even though i guess finding this alien in the box really had little to do with the crystal skulls since it was a different alien or did it have a crystal skull too i thought it was the one from the roswell crash but those were little short aliens these other ones were nine feet tall it doesn't look like it's the same one but did it have a crystal skull or didn't it but the crystal skull was from the one alien with the 13 skeletons right who is this which is actually one alien are there two types of aliens what the little roswell ones and the tall ones or was there just one alien distant cousin perhaps maybe they too were sent to find akator oh wait she just said something about distant cousins oh this whole scene feels like they wanted to have an indiana jones movie with aliens in it or couldn't decide between the roswell kind of aliens or the ancient south american crystal skull mayan god alien things well let's just do both what is this thing the fact here is that most people really haven't heard of the whole crystal skull thing just [ __ ] weirdos like dan aykroyd know about it 23 different species are coming because they don't want anything to do with us i don't think we will ever have a formal relationship a formal contact with any alien species out there especially after 9 11. most people have heard of roswell in area 51 and all that stuff so that just added to the confusion right there let's move on to the reveal of indiana jones i thought it would be nice to have him trapped in the back of a car with another guy oh see i like the hat and the shadow thing because that always works because it's cool but then when we see him he just looks like a confused old man that's been wearing the same clothes for 25 years put your hands down will you you're embarrassing us you should have also said put your hands down you're embarrassing me not us what are these guys lovers then to add to all this crap we're introduced to the main villain the sub villain and the muscle all in the opening scene of the film raven introduced to the fact that mack is of questionable allegiance so there's little left to discover i mean we did get introduced to bellogg in the opening of raiders but he wasn't on the hunt for the lost ark it was just to introduce that he was a big [ __ ] so our main villain is named ivana spankoff and she wants to get the crystal skull to control the world or whatever and then indy's probably gonna fight this russian guy again all the information about the whole film is received in the first 10 minutes not that these films are that hard to predict but doling out the information a little slower is preferred some twists and reveals are appreciated and they make the movie more fun to watch after the opening scene in the crystal skull the rest of the scenes are kind of dull i couldn't have been more bored when they're looking around in the ruins for whatever they're looking for i don't know who ox is and i don't care you're a teacher part-time why did they use that take you know the worst one part time there's a wonderful moment in crystal skull where shia playing mutt turns him and says you're a teacher you're a teacher and he says part-time part-time why did he say it's so weird was that an outtake there's a better take on the trailer even part time part-time part time anyway the ultimate threat in the film i guess is that if the russians get the crystal skull ivana spankoff will devise some kind of mind control weapon however in the very first scene she proves to be a fraud because she's not able to read indiana jones's mind and we also know that people can't read other people's minds oh well i guess they can read minds indiana jones in turn appears skeptical about her and the power of the skull weapon what weapon a mind weapon in the past films there was a pretty clear threat that both items presented the ark if it is their attorneys then it is something that man was not meant to disturb for the unrighteous the cup of life holds everlasting damnation death has always surrounded it it is not of this earth there is an air of mysticism and weight that loomed over everything i just didn't get that from this comical skull plus it was kind of stupid looking and they kept throwing it around in a bag in the temple of doom however the motivation of the film was more about bringing life back to this poor village and saving a whole bunch of kids not really stopping an evil force from taking over the world but a noble goal and one we wanted to see indy achieve cause little indian children are sexy in crystal skull i got the impression that ivana spankoff had no idea what she was dealing with i should have seen this which was ultimately the case and i never really cared about if the russians won or not neither did indiana jones apparently in fact he was so involved with helping them that he seemed confused when mutt hatched his escape plan then constantly exchanging ownership of the skull was of little consequence because i knew that they're both going to take it to acator and then one of them was probably going to follow the other there that [ __ ] always happens maybe we could add some kind of example of spank-off using the skull to make a bunch of people pacified like maybe those fbi guys show up at the end and they're now loyal to the russians showing how powerful the skull could be or maybe they show like a film reel of what the russians plan to do with more skulls like the scene from the rocketeer which helps paint a picture of what the consequences are like maybe with some kind of device to amplify its powers but fighting to stop some kind of quasi and unclear goal is kind of boring and why was there even all this treasure at the end are they competing with the stupid nicholas cage movies what the [ __ ] he also keeps bringing mac along the guy that's been leading the russians to him constantly throughout the whole film hello how about just to be safe tie mack to a tree and come back for him later you don't gotta kill him just hide him from the russians and get him later you see i once tied my wife to a tree and oh wait i'm sorry i meant i once put my wife to a tree sorry my memory gets fuzzy sometimes especially after i drink a couple of fuzzy navels off number five a never-ending series of bad ideas now before i complain more about this movie i thought it'd be fair to point out some of the things that i actually liked in the film don't worry this won't take long despite the material spielberg does deliver a lot of his iconic visuals and direction that he's known for i do like this image of indy silhouetted against the mushroom cloud signifying that indiana jones has entered the nuclear age i like when indy trips over all the fake people i really like the 50s cafe scene and the subsequent chase scene the characters are really strong here and it's a nice mixture of conversation and exposition and the escape concept is clever and a lot of fun hit this guy who joe college hit him here hold this what what that's the chase is great too it feels real and i would have been okay if a chase scene like this was the finale to the whole film i like when indy sarcastically asks mud if he has a knife you don't have a knife do you i like the whole opening sequence when the russians are having fun with the american teenagers and then they play the elvis music it set the period well i like that this big thing was actually a practical set but i was [ __ ] shocked to learn that i also liked when mutt jumps out of the water and says i hold this i like the bare knuckle fist fight at the end and and then i like when he says oh do you like 80. i like when indy misses swinging onto the truck damn i thought that was closer and i think that's about it most of these are just little things or stuff in the beginning but when the story gets going the movie gradually starts to suck like someone pulling a thread out of a sweater until the sweater eventually sucks anyhow back to the movie we're talking about the ideas right so you can point out how a plot has holes or doesn't make sense or how a character action is inappropriate or forced well the way you're sinking your teeth into those w's whether or not an idea is good or bad as subjective except in this case these are all real bad ideas so let's begin to list all the terrible ideas and missteps in this film number one making this movie well i suppose that goes without saying number two bringing back marion ravenwood not sure what the point of this was a mixture of nostalgia or maybe an attempt to put the franchise and the character of indiana jones to rest there is a clear effort to bring things full circle by bringing back the original indiana jones love interest and having it end pretty much the same way that raiders did they're both wearing kind of white suits and formal wear and walking off arm and arm they even went so far to tease that mutt would take up the mantle of his father i guess indiana jones is too old to be having flings with younger ladies but marion she worked as a feisty jilted lover for mindy's past one he seemed not to be too concerned with but the love of his life not too sure about that this all felt kind of forced that and after she's introduced they have nothing for her to do other than to be the driver and to drive the car around that was her thing i guess i don't know all i do know is that it's been two weeks since my last bath number three having mutt do things i like the character of mud seriously i don't mind him and i don't mind shia labeouf either i think he's a pretty natural actor it's just a thing mud feels appropriate and makes sense to me it's one of the few things in this film that doesn't feel too forced india had father issues now he has sun issues in fact one of the most clever and best scenes of the film is in the 50s diner indiana and mutt are having a conversation their mannerisms the way they speak it's really clear and strong from a character perspective there's even some real subtle stuff going on in their actions mutt steals a drink from the waitress and then injury puts it back both without saying anything showing that this kid is really in need of some kind of father figure and indiana begins to father him unknowingly this is one of spielberg's many skills as a director getting down and dirty and actually working with the actors and understanding people unlike that other guy that sits in the chair i don't even think he's a human i think he's an alien get that greaser the following sequence is classic spielbergian indiana jonesian action it's not until later in the film when things fall apart and it becomes a horrible video game so then completely out of character mud is set up to have some kind of prior training and fencing fantasy prep schools teach you how to debate chess fencing oh what i guess uh conveniently he can have a fight scene with ivana spankoff this feels like the stupid-ass scene in the second jurassic park film when the dumb girl uses her stupid gymnastics training at the end to knock the raptor out the window so [ __ ] stupid the school got you from the team anyway i should have had to ride a huge russian motorcycle or something i remember in raiders when they introduced marion as this weird awesome chick that could hold her own in a drinking contest that turned out to be a clever reverse setup for the scene with bellog you think she's gonna try to out drink him and then escape just like it was set up but it turns out she's met her match because he owns his own winery i grew up with this it's my family label and he's a wino see this is kind of clever this is [ __ ] it's not a match mom again a matter of opinion but mine is right now time to get back on track maybe much should have been a tough guy wannabe who was like totally useless until the very end when he does something brave but having him fight in such a stupid and unrealistic manner seemed forced and it made indiana jones a little pointless it also drifted into the had to give them something to do realm which is always a bad idea remember riker when he fought the monster at the end of star trek nemesis which had no point other than he wanted to get revenge for the monster mind raping his wife i don't know why you'd want to get revenge on that you think you'd want to give the guy a 50 bill see if a character has to be given something to do then they probably shouldn't even be there that's what was kind of magical about the third indiana jones film was that salah marcus brody and henry jones senior were all like completely useless at the end india had to carry all the weight which made him more of a hero when everyone's an agile video game character for no reason it's [ __ ] and stupid number four mac he may be the most complicated supporting character we've ever had in one of these pictures i hate this character he's a double agent but he's a double agent who is forgotten he's a double agent you don't know who he's working for i kind of think when when he's with the russians he thinks he's working for the americans and when he's with the americans he thinks he's working for the russians you don't know anymore the only character able to fool indiana jones should be a sexy blonde woman or a sexy indian child i know him and mac had a history together of fighting in world war ii or whatever but after a certain point the double and triple crosses started to make indiana jones look like a stupid [ __ ] you stupid son of a [ __ ] i'm c-i-a if mac was c.i.a then why didn't the album escape the first time when they had that chance to stop the russians from the start indy would not tolerate such foolishness and would not be so stupid younger andy probably would have just shot mack number five the quicksand scene i hate this scene more than life itself the whole point of the scene is just to have indiana jones learn that mud is his son he's your son first let's backtrack a bit though shortly before this scene we discover that marion is in the russian camp oh look it's marion what mud is your son okay neat now we're done with you you can go back to the toll booth in fact when indiana jones talks with oxley we have to be reminded that these characters are still here with these awkward cutaways this is the low point in the film for sure and i'm not making a pun about quicksand anyway because just before that indiana jones is mind-raped by ivana with the alien skull and then he just goes ahead and continues to help the russians he's all gung-ho about helping them to the point where escape didn't even cross his mind then they run away they get stuck in quicksand or whatever it is and then awkward comedy ensues and was clearly a sound stage no it's a dry sand i'm sinking quickly mix of sand mud and water and depending on the viscosity sounds dangerous also indy hates snakes i had to put that in there because it was in the other films snakes why did it have to be snakes now i'm pretty sure snakes have strong muscles since that's all they're made of but i'm sure most people were thinking like i was isn't the snake gonna rip in half i mean it's not indestructible you're pulling against the vacuum it's like trying to lift your car i don't know it just doesn't seem realistic to me now go ahead and post comments about how people have used snakes as ropes for years in the amazon or whatever you [ __ ] [ __ ] then into yells to ox to go get help go get help and the first time i saw this i just assumed he meant to go back to the russian camp and get them to help i mean when indy's life was in danger before the atomic explosion he begged the russians to pick him up in their car sure great don't wait for me but then when ox brings back the russians andy's like good work ox thanks help well the [ __ ] did you expect him to go get help from in the middle of a jungle got two minutes before he gets sucked underground number six the rest of the movie i'll just stop here because at this point it's all downhill in order to have a standard indiana jones chase scene the movie invents a fictional cartoon tree smashing machine that could pave away through a dense jungle terrain like a video game so that cars can ride through the jungle indiana jones then has a line of expository dialogue that helps reinforce what's happening in the film because no one knows what's going on or where anyone is going gotta get oxley back get our hands on that skull and get to occupy before they do grab the wheel i don't even know what's gonna happen in actor when they get there they find more skulls they find gold uh things so in addition to the weak and uninteresting story crystal skull was also just an endless series of shoehorned visual references and pointless callbacks to make it feel like an indiana jones film not that the first three phones were devoid of references what's this one the arc of the covenant are you sure pretty sure but there were far and few between each of those movies had a distinct feel this movie feels like a visual imitation of an indiana jones film with somebody's grandpa dressing up like indiana jones but because hollywood executives like money and because these guys think they're awesome they made this movie so we're treated to a spectacle of dull scenes pointless references and terrible cartoony cgi antics to sell another shitty product to the dumb masses they even opened the film with the classic paramount logo which usually dissolved into some kind of similar rock face except for this time it dissolved into the majestic prairie dog mound where is it with the damn cartoon prairie dogs why do we keep seeing them do they put this [ __ ] in there for little kids or something why is it in here anyways it also feels like the phrase well we've got to have this in there too was added about 10 million times during the pre-production phase let's take a look at these visual callbacks shall we open up the tomb and hit it johnny johnny oh this is your tomb oh i'm so sorry i have the wrong one there it is okay running away from hostile natives grave robbing type stuff with the torch ancient booby trap stuff dead body comedy a dead night guy indiana jones doesn't like snakes karen allen with the thing in her mouth putting your hand in a thing to pull on another thing indeed throwing guys off of a truck don't touch anything rushing water going up high and looking down on something get your hands off me pat over eyes indiana jones weird gruesome death indiana jones with the rocket launcher things crawling on you in a cave you kind of have to approach this movie as if the others never happened nice try [ __ ] continued in part two part two jonesing for indiana now enough with the stupid plot let's talk about our title character i would venture to guess that more men like the indiana jones films and women and it's not because they're history buffs they like racist humor or they want to stick it in allison's duty hole it's because secretly we all want to be indiana jones indiana jones is the the epi epitome of what all men strive to be he's handsome he's intelligent he punches people he's single sleeps around he's got cash he punches people he travels the world he could sleep with any of his students he uses a whip he punches people he bangs his students in the locker room women love him he goes on adventures he punches people he can shoot people and get away with it and so on i can't stress this fact enough it's the appeal of the movies it's not the character yeah i said it indiana jones character is unrealistic and not terribly complicated one indiana jones adventure is like a lifetime of adventures for a normal person and he goes on him every day in real life this guy's face would be deformed from getting punched so many times he'd probably have brain damage or he would have been arrested or maybe died from some weird foreign disease it's his invulnerability his luck and his charm that make him admirable he's the man's man from adventure cereals but when he's 68 years old and barely keeping up with the action you don't want to be him is he too old to play any jones and he wasn't at 55 and by the way he sure ain't at 65. part time it's kind of amazing that lucas and spielberg didn't understand the core appeal of these movies before deciding to make another one and i'm sure he's got another 10 years left in if he wants to do something like this again sure there are adventure films and fun and whatever but it's not the character people like it's the idea of the character because being awesome is inspiring no one gives a crap when indiana jones is doing in 1957 or that he gets back together with marion cravenwood we want to vicariously live his adventures this is one case where i would have actually preferred a remake this whole concept can clearly be documented in thousands and thousands of home movies and first amateur films being about indiana jones in fact many filmmakers very first movies were little indiana jones films for further example if you're still not getting what i'm saying because your brain don't work right or you forgot to take your brain medicine the appeal of something like the fast and the furious movies is to young men who like cars speed women and being awesome it's vicarious entertainment the suburban latino youth with the souped-up honda accord would love to be vin diesel driving whatever kind of car he drives so imagine it's the future time and it's like 2038 or whatever and someone has the brilliant idea to make a new movie called less fast not so furious and then cast all the same actors and then try to market it to the same audience just doesn't work the appeal of the movie is not paul walker's character it's being paul walker's character this is not awesome also this is not awesome no i mean i just i never thought this is awesome just ask yourself this one simple question if indiana jones was a real character with depth to the point where we actually cared about him then wouldn't it have been okay for him not to wear his signature costume right captain kirk wore different uniforms but you say no you can't have an indiana jones film without them wearing the leather jacket and the whip and the hat you could take a still from each of the four movies of him and the hat and the coat and i don't think he'd be able to figure out which one was which spielberg lucas kennedy marshall and everyone involved in the project would instantly dismiss that idea that's precisely because the character is just the hat the hat is great the whip is great harrison looks great in the hat with the jacket holding the whip no one wants to be old and no one wants to get this girl in the end they want to get this girl in the end i suspect this is the reason why they cast shia labeouf in the film as indie's adventurous son but mata is a totally different character he's not intelligent experienced or worldly like indiana jones he's not really worthy of the adventure he's like a dumb idiot that dropped out of school and he's not the focus of the movie and to make matters worse this movie is a lame-ass watered-down movie even though it didn't appear to be on the surface you may not have noticed it but your brain did no answer my favorite subject of all number seven murder another real problem with this film is the lack of grit sure people die but it's cartoony and often indirect what do i mean by indirect i mean indiana jones doesn't [ __ ] murder anyone people trying to kill i know dad you see everyone is always trying to kill indiana jones so in turn if you [ __ ] with them he'll kill you right back now i've analyzed these films with a team of dead people in order to catalog how many people indiana jones murders by his direct actions let's take a look shall we raiders of the lost ark he shoots this guy right in the face he shoots the gunman he shoots the sword guy he shoots the first egyptian guy in the truck then he shoots the truck driver in the head then indiana jones intentionally rams a car off a cliff killing three nazis then he throws the guy in front of the truck certainly dies a horrible [ __ ] death nine direct murders the temple of doom indiana jones first murder comes in the first 30 seconds of the movie when he kills a guy with the flaming shish kebab then he shoots the tommy gun guy in the car he throws two guys into a flaming lava pit uses the counterbalance of a guy getting killed by a rock crushing thing to pull himself up to a catwalk instead of helping him i don't blame him that guy kept [ __ ] hitting him causes a deadly minecart accident killing at least four lastly indiana jones intentionally cuts a bridge in half causing 11 people to either fall to their deaths or get eaten by crocodiles total direct murders 21 the last crusade indiana jones purposely kicks a guy off a boat to drown in the ocean murders three nazi soldiers in cold blood with a machine gun intentionally traps five people in a room to burn to death including a woman most likely kills this guy in a motorcycle kills three nazis with one bullet total direct murders 13 kingdom of the crystal skull shoots a poison dart back in the mouth of some guy total direct murder is one and i'm just assuming that guy died even though the boys in dart would have been facing the other way right he does look like he dies from being poisoned big deal who hasn't killed some tribal guy by blowing into his blow gun backwards to make him choke on his own poison dart i did that just last week at the safeway you see indiana jones films need to be brutal [ __ ] movies where lots of people die horribly murdering people is heroic and i don't give a damn if your hollywood focus group and market research people tell you that kids like these movies [ __ ] kids [ __ ] the elderly [ __ ] families [ __ ] everyone this crystal skull movie is [ __ ] weak it's [ __ ] shark week i i don't mean weak like a shark i mean the shark week show i don't like it very much oh thank god my pizza rolls are done i need to take a break from thinking about this movie plus i'm kind of hungry hmm perfect i like it when the goo just starts to come out hey wait a minute is that cat poop i smell [ __ ] my cat spooped again the guy at the pet store said they would never poop god damn it and my litter box is right next to my oven this [ __ ] smell of cat poop is gonna make me sick now i gotta get down on my old knees and clean out that smell it's gonna make me throw up this crap well at least cleaning up this cat [ __ ] has momentarily made me forget about this indiana jones film wait a minute what's this oh no it won't leave me alone like the stink of cat poop [ __ ] everything ah take her and take it [ __ ] this movie i'm gonna snap it i'm gonna snap it like bambi's neck and then make it look like she killed herself in the bath oh wait number eight indiana jones and the politics of doom the very first line indiana jones says in this movie is wrong russians i have a feeling indy was supposed to say russians i hate these guys as a reference to his previous line nazis i hate these guys i haven't actually bothered to look into this and i could be wrong but that's just the impression i get by the way he said it russians oh you got chopped in editing or something i'm sure someone at least suggested it but i guess we wouldn't want to offend anyone would we sneak surprise whoops too late for that this is where some of the problems come in i got to deal with some delicate issues and i ain't talking about my panties now the obvious choice for villains given the era is the russians but there's kind of a sad way of dealing with the whole issue first of all i've always seen indiana jones as a political it was never captain america usa usa nor was he gi joe usa usa oh wait i mean captain adventure man and multinational joe he was just an archaeology professor and a pretty cosmopolitan guy technically he was an american yes but he seemed sort of almost above nationalism and would look at things from a more worldly perspective this is why i always found it kind of odd that indy was involved in world war ii fury was smart and capable enough to be an oss agent but to me it was just a college professor that went off on archaeological adventures not a military guy that's why this briefing scene always felt a little weird to me i know indy wouldn't have been some kind of [ __ ] conscientious objector cause he did fight in world war one when he was young but at this stage in life i don't know about secret missions or whatever not exactly wrong per se just felt a little odd maybe it just would have been some kind of history or military advisor or something so to placate making the soviets the bad guys spielberg and lucas take reverse pot shots at the u.s for some reason now for those who haven't read a history book or are too busy twittering let me give you a quick history lesson there was once a senator named paul mccartney who did these hearings to try to find russian spies and stuff there were some actual convictions of russian spies yes and they're still actual russian spies today hey anna call me my name is harry i want to spy on your pie i mean i want to translate into russian and that's all i got so these earrings really got out of hand people got blacklisted careers and lives were ruined and paranoia was rampant they call this whole phenomenon adam sandler films in fact arthur c clarke's play the crucible about the salem wolfman trials was a metaphor for all this then i guess to show that we too can be narrow-minded idiots the fbi guys are played to be comical paranoid villains questioning indiana jones patriotism in the middle of the united states of america my country done for no reason at all they showed a silly communist protest rally at the college i barely recognize this country anymore the government's got to sing communists shut up i'm talking now stuff like this did really happen i'm just not sure how prevalent it was especially on a college campus sure there was paranoia during the red scare but in the 1950s college students didn't protest that was more like the late 1960s when everyone was on drugs and the vietnam war was happening and they were protesting to stop the war a pretty clear objective my point here isn't exactly on the historical accuracy but rather what was the overall point of the whole paranoia subplot it went a lot further than just to establish the mood of the country in 1957 because ultimately story-wise it had no purpose and served as a detriment to the overall film so after being accused of being a communist spy you recognize the gravity of your situation you aided and abetted kgb agents who broke into angie then gets fired from his job as a professor so you're firing me and then that causes him to get onto a train and run into mutt that was what everything led to nothing muck could have just come to his house or showed up at the college how did mutt even know that he was gonna be on this train anyway the point i'm trying to make was that there was no point seriously there's not even one scene at the end where the fbi guys show up and say hey dr jones i guess you're not a communist after all you've proven us wrong please accept this fruit basket as an apology dr jones let's just say for now that you are of interest to the bureau of great interest and while indy does get his job back at the end there's no mention about the communist plot line again this whole subplot served no purpose whatsoever other than to show that americans can be just as bad as the russians but frankly your association with george mchale makes all your activities suspicious including those during the war then if their angle wasn't transparent enough max says this well what can i say johnsy i'm a capitalist okay since when is one guy being greedy attributed to an entire economic system i've seen lots of other characters in movies sell out people for money or their own self-interests how can you do this you're a mutant i got four kids to feed to try to grab a bunch of valuables at the end while saving themselves or whatever what's in the bags money lose money watch out get out quick but i've never heard anyone ever say i'm a capitalist huh seriously people have been greedy since the dawn of time i'm pretty sure lucas wrote that line himself because he's the most fervent anti-capitalist i've ever seen it's this quasi tip-toeing around what's good and what's bad that leaves this movie with this bland feeling ivana spankoff makes this threat we will change you dr jones all of you from the inside we will turn you into us and the best part you won't even know it's happening but the film goes to great lengths to point out that india's already brainwashed good to see you two five just on another side so what's the difference do you have any idea how many medals this son of a [ __ ] won three times i have received order of lenin also medley's hero of socialist labor is gonna get switched over to another ideology that's portrayed pretty much equal in nature paranoid the fbi showed up this morning ransacked your office searched all your files militaristic xenophobic nationalistic whatever the film makes no effort to say in any way that the usa is the good guys and we were threatened with treason and the soviets are the bad guys so why the [ __ ] should i care but in a movie where the threat is that the russians are trying to make a super weapon they make a point to show that we already have a super weapon giving the bad guys a pretty understandable motivation that i could see myself agreeing with but now this next level of weapon is ours to have hey you guys get that mind weapon before these paranoid goons nuke moscow go ivana you go girl the film is about a hero fighting against bad guys and when the filmmakers can't choose a clear side it affects the overall film hmm so were all the other villains well let's take a look shall we a lot of fitting into your life's pursuits that time is passed i seem to remember that in honduras you were accused of being a dragon the healing power of the grail is the only thing that can save your father now you're a hard man to read dr jones keep your politics in your pocket number nine things i just didn't understand there's a few minor things that don't make much sense to me i'm going to tell you all about them now if you know what it meant or what happened please email me at idontgiveshit what you think at indianajones.com number one when one throws indiana the knife it lands on his shoulder then he knocks it into his hand we hear a ripping sound there's a cut to mutt and much like and then the next shot india is free i thought at first he dropped the knife but then he didn't he just caught himself free what was that ripping sound and what did it mean did indy split his pants what the [ __ ] is max saying at the end indy throws him the whip and it's like hang on wait a minute what was that was that the curtain nescar what was that doing here how did these aliens get it did they glue it back together did they bring it back oh [ __ ] it the mac looks at him and he winks and he says i'm gonna be all right i'll be all right what what did the alien vortex make his mind weird what the hell does that mean is he excited to get sucked up into the vortex with all his capital three i understand these indian guys guard the secrets of whatever they're looking for but did these people just sit in the walls all day waiting for someone to come into this place that no one has ever discovered wouldn't they get bored do they get brakes are they ghosts oh guess not because they all got shot this is fresh these are just used oh the torch was warm i guess they saw them coming and then decided to hide inside the walls so if they saw them coming why would they then hide in the walls and break apart the walls that they spent so long carving do they just wait around for someone to find this lost city that no one's found in 10 000 years or whatever or indiana jones pronounces nuclear wrong what exactly am i being accused of besides surviving a nuclear blast not sure if this is a joke or a mistake he is a college professor after all what do you guys think let me know post a comment on my web zone and don't forget to like us on facebook and follow us on twitter and so why did mac wait so long to betray indiana jones he could have done it at the moment that they picked him up in mexico did he want to ride in a hot trunk for a thousand miles with him i once for one of my grandkids and i forgot which one inside the trunk of a car to teach him a lesson unfortunately he didn't learn the lesson because he died why did these boxes explode when cars hit things they don't always explode maybe they were filled with explosives was mary and ravenwood wearing a push-up bra this is a question that i feel is very important why did mutt need to bring along his motorcycle on the plane why did they feel the need to do that if he didn't use it at all later in the morning this is my thing what this is my thing what are you talking about i i asked the questions well i have some questions of my own you're not even remotely related to this movie you're from a [ __ ] star trek movie that doesn't mean i can't ask questions get the [ __ ] out of my video what i said get the [ __ ] out of my video i'm pretend the ending or just let's just talk about the ending or whatever so they bring the skull into an alien room where the dead alien skeletons sit and do nothing so were the aliens all like one creature was the alien alive all this time and just stuck in our dimension in 13 skeleton form the room spins around but it wasn't a room apples but it was the inside of a flying saucer then ivana trump has the skull and it flies out of her hand and it sticks to the neck of one of the guys that's missing his head how did the alien lose head done the aliens combine into one cartoon alien catalogs why did one creature have 13 skeletons and then ivana says things and then evaporates then everyone runs away and then we see that it was an alien space saucer the flying saucer is like the one that crashed into roswell was that from another dimension why didn't the film tell us what happened at the end did they just make this ending up on the spot cows the aliens came to earth and they buried their transmutational spaceship underground and pretended to be gods with golden thrones and then collected up a bunch of artifacts from around the world showed the incans or the mayans or whatever the [ __ ] these people are how to build a a building a pyramid and then then one alien cut his own head off and then buried it in a ditch and then they all waited around in thrones for someone to put their head back on so that they could all stick together and become a creature that creature would look at them and then they would all turn into a vortex and suck up everything and then the spaceship would turn the thing the mayan temple would collapse and then water would make a new lake sucking everything up in any trace that they have been there porcupines why didn't they just leave ten thousand years ago or go i don't even know what the [ __ ] happened to number 11 the grandfather clause if they make indiana jones part five with the same team i'm just not sure it'll work again that is unless spielberg and lucas regrow their testicles it was the 80s they're simpler times and they weren't grandparents i think karen allen explains it all best right here with stephen he's a different man really in many many ways i mean in many ways he sees the same man too but you know i saw the filmmaker when i worked with him the first time and working with him now i see the whole man it's beautiful to watch him with his kids he just became a grandfather and you know it's beautiful to watch the excitement that he feels i think you know we've all grown up we're all 25 years older i mean i wasn't married nor did i have a child then either so we've all become parents so it's particularly satisfying to come back together i guess with such a huge gap so you really you're meeting the same person but you're meeting person who's really grown and it's great i mean the films do have some pretty terrible ways to die but all the realism was lost the grittiness was gone as was the propensity for casual violence thing is these two filmmakers are more mature more responsible and less risky this is crazy somebody's gonna get hurt this is a result of age trust me i know i'm 116 years old they've got families to think about box office returns and the kids don't forget about the kids these movies should be for everyone in raiders a monkey gets poisoned to death in the temple of doom they eat monkey brains and in raiders and last crusade live snakes and rats are burned respectively that means like in the order that i said that i would have in the crystal skull there are happy prairie dogs and silly monkeys that are cutesy in fact one opportunity to kill an animal is thwarted don't worry kids he hung on and made it at least they had the nerve to squish a bug although i'm sure they cleared it first with petty come to think of it i don't think we ever even see a human physically get shot in this movie ever you know with the blood burst and all the first thing that stuck out to me was when the russians ambushed the us base they machine gun like four or five soldiers and it's all off camera where's paul verhoven when you need him they show the dead soldiers being dragged off but there ain't no blood that's the gunshot you call that a gunshot wound they also shoot all the indians too but again it's off camera that's it you call that slaughtering indians you shame the memory of general custer with this movie if they showed the initial murders of the us soldiers in the beginning it might have helped to make us not like the russians then these guys dying looks like a cartoon video game wacky hijinks happen russians fall off the cliff indy punches people off the truck but no one ever gets violently machine gunned to death marion doesn't kill nine guys on a truck in cold blood and henry jones doesn't casually fire a tank shell into a truck with 19 men killing them all with no remorse whoops indy dropped the gun and it went off and he ran away yay just like a saturday morning kids show because there's some punching and shooting and explosions and chasing you think it's an indiana jones film but it's not there's the illusion of grit but it's missing the teeth from wiley coyote's rocket antics to the bone-crushing concussion inducing an internal organ damaging fridge scene to marion ravenwood's wild theme park car ride when you got people in a vehicle without [ __ ] seat belts three of which are elderly slamming into the water with that kind of force and no injuries of any kind well i could see the tension dissolving right before my eyes the indiana jones films have never been the most realistic films they've been filled with hokey action and time expanding spielbergy and editing that much is true but when you have two filmmakers who seem to be trying to compete with other contemporary action films and video games and who are seemingly unwilling to show graphic realistic violence and want to make a fun for the whole family type of movie it's a very bad combination and even after a two-hour long action chase scene this classic bare-knuckle indiana jones fight scene with the russian guys the best thing about the whole end of the film i wanted to take your phone a green screen with you and go off to hollywood just oh wait the problems are basically this one indiana jones can't be old true indiana jones needs to murder more people and three the action needs to be realistic and practical spielberg has matured not just as a filmmaker but as a person and he wants to keep these movies a little cleaner anybody want to watch e.t with me long gone are the days of the simple and fully practical truck chase scene or the excellent tank sequence now i'm totally okay with doing some things you can't do practically with a computer like say this or all those little things that would just be really difficult to do but the jungle chase sequence didn't really need all the stuff it was enhanced to such a point where it started to look fakey fake to me now to be fair miniatures rear screen projection green screen and matte paintings were essentially the cgi of the past but at least it was all real most people had no idea that half of the mine cart chase was all in miniature because it was pretty seamless the jungle stuff just kind of sits with you wrong something's not quite real about it and your brain knows it let's not move indiana jones into a 21st century techno thriller what did you just say and lastly since you can't change harrison ford's age might as well just stop making these movies what cut prince beautiful spellberg himself said he was done with the series i'm done with this series there's really not much more you can do with it or the character it just feels like treading water i mean he did find the holy grail spielberg ended the last crusade with indy riding off into the sunset for a reason because i thought that brought the curtain down on the triple g and then we were all gonna move on and mature into other aspects of filmmaking and i never thought i would ever see indiana jones again kind of like the enterprise at the end of star trek six but they once again drug them out of retirement for one last shot at embarrassment wait how did these sports images end up in my video so other than the obvious why was this movie made maybe harrison ford wanted a little boost to his ego and his career after such hits like hollywood homicide and firewall maybe it's the bloated egos of these legends trying to recapture their former glory or maybe it really is that they just have lots of fun making these movies i'd like to think it was as simple as that i was happy to do another indiana jones film just because there's so much damn fun i guess we'll never know will we all we do know is that this wasn't the movie that the fans wanted if they really wanted a movie at all we all love indiana jones yes but everybody needs that part of their brain that says we better not you know it's the part of your brain that turns on when you crave something that you know you can't or shouldn't have and you stop yourself well my friends it's time to go my wheelchair is calling and starting to get dark outside i'll leave you with these thoughts smart lad to slip bad times away from fields where glory does not stay and early though the laurel grows it withers quicker than the rose ours the shady knight has shut cannot see the record cut and silence sounds no worse than cheers after earth has stopped the ears now you will not swell the route of lads that wore their honors out runners whom were noun outran and the name died before the man so set before its echo wait a minute i can't stop reviewing movies who's gonna review lenny the wonder dog starring andy richter [ __ ] i ain't even close to done yet [ __ ] this i gotta get a copy of this movie [ __ ] that movie [ __ ] dog movies i gotta review the matrix films i gotta talk about terminator salvation oh [ __ ] i gotta review the twilight side of this [ __ ] four movies i gotta watch still it going to stop the travesty of avatar 2 when it comes out [ __ ] i got to talk about the phantom menace in 3d the attack of the collins in 3d and revenge of the sith in 3d [ __ ] what about redtail the new george lucas

Channel: RedLetterMedia

Views: 4,561,931

Rating: 4.8230839 out of 5

Keywords: redlettermedia, red, letter, media, red letter media, plinkett, mike stoklasa, movie, review, movie review, Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull (Film), Indiana Jones (Fictional Character)

Id: -zphhfHon_I

Length: 70min 28sec (4228 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 21 2014

Reddit Comments

[u/[deleted]]

Holy fucking shit. This changes everything...