Mr. Plinkett's Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith Review

Star Wars Episode three is the most disappointing thing since Star Wars Episode two what kind of an intro is that you say well sure I think it's hard to be disappointed anymore when your expectations are so low they're right next to [ __ ] dinosaur bones I think we're all went to see this movie just to get it over with there was like an obligation like going to your stupid daughters college graduation you know it's gonna suck but you gotta go just to get it over with now I'll [ __ ] that metaphor this was like going to an autopsy you know it's dead and that's gonna change that but your god are doing autopsy to find out what killed it or who killed it so that's what this review is gonna be an autopsy video about Star Wars paging doctor blanket doctor blanket is then I'm here someone passed a vicodins no way we need ambience well we sure need something and for the record I'm gonna give this movie an honest review and analysis I'll point out anything that's good if I find it but still a lot of you will claim that I'm one of those people that says George Lucas ruined my childhood now that's just crazy talk George Lucas didn't ruin my childhood [ __ ] polio did number one what were you expecting [ __ ] before we start let's recap a little on the whole prequel thing and how ruined six years of everyone's lives even starving African children in Cambodia now in short I'm gonna explain how everyone in the world felt ready I'm drawn to Phantom Menace first of all right off the bat everyone thought the title was a joke everyone that was a real bad sign from the start but then when you saw the trailer for the Phantom Menace it looked pretty good oh my god a new Star Wars movie Korean [ __ ] bully but hey awesome young obi-wan Kenobi is fighting some weird alien dude with the red lightsaber Oh a little kid well I'll give it a shot I guess [Music] big neat space prattles Oh what's up with that Geisha looking chick that's kind of weird it doesn't really look like Star Wars should look but maybe it could be cool but wow this is kind of exciting and then you saw the movie number two attack of the clones so after the shock wore off we started to hear about the second film that was gonna come out things looked a little more promising stupid kid is gone to something that looks like Boba Fett or maybe it is Boba Fett we see like early looking stormtroopers or something we find out the titles called Attack of the Clones and you're like well okay it couldn't be worse than the Phantom Menace it's not too much of a stretch from a title like The Empire Strikes Back maybe we just needed to get used to it so hopefully things have improved so oh my god then came time for the third one and by this time we felt like a [ __ ] battered housewife who keeps returning to an abusive husband again the first thing we knew was the title which of course you thought the obvious thing right that if you simply rearrange the letters in the word set you could spell out a different word that just might predict what this movie was gonna be she'sshe which is Chinese for disappointed in the cooking of the duck meat but it also hearkened back to the original title of Return of the Jedi which was supposed to be revenge of the Jedi but at the last minute Lucas had decided to change the title from revenge to return because he discovered that having a word with one less letter in it would save him 916 dollars annually on the cost of printing the logo on countless t-shirts action figure boxes and posters hey inks not cheap kids the man runs the business however by 2005 Lucas had saved up well over a thousand dollars in his ink fund so he could afford that extra letter so you bought your ticket or you snuck in the side door well people we're leaving you got some popcorn or booze and you're ready to watch the third and final installment of the Star Wars prequels how bad could it really be Oh you never thought you'd be laughing at the end did you laughing so hard you couldn't breathe was all this a big practical joke well we'll examine this and so many other things it's time to put on my rubber gloves let's have a look shall we trust me I'm a doctor kind of number two there we go again here we go again that's right here we go again when c-3po said that and Jedi was a meant to be like endearing like he was a little nervous but we're all excited about the adventure not awaited us this is where the fun begins you could say the same thing in regards to Revenge of the Sith but with this movie it kind of meant it in like a painful way it's an actual here we go again cuz you've been tripped twice already but for some reason you need to see how it ends wait what heroes on both sides what can evil robots we call the heroes wait why am i watching this crap this guy that called Lucas it's got us all by the balls yeah his fingers are in our wallets get your finger out of my ass wallet now before this movie came out this is what everyone heard it's the best of the three prequels it's the darkest of the three it's a lot better and darker than the other two film well gives a crap how dark it is my stool is dark and doctor says that's bad I don't know why he thinks he knows so much about interior decorating though down Roger Ebert gave it three and a half stars and then someone even said that it was the bestest movie ever because I had lava in it I ain't cute his name is Johnny I adopted him from a grocery store parking lot now setting aside any kind of wild and crazy theories about movie critic payoffs people sucking up to Lucasfilm by saying they like the Phantom Menace I mean I'd rather see episode 3 than blood in my urine but the movie was just so [ __ ] boring with the few exceptions like the comedy scenes they're so beautiful it's only because I'm so enough no no it's because I'm so in love with you so love is blinded so let's talk about the good things doing ironically the most major positives about this film are the things that are not in the film 1 Han Solo was not ruined matter Ibaka was ruined for being plant lessly shoehorned into this movie but Chewbacca was no han Solo thankfully nowhere in this film do we have to watch that scene you know the one where we meet a young Han Solo who would of course look like this it'd have been really easy for George to have a little five-year-old kid running around that ship at the end I walk up to the two babies and I've like Oldowan or Jimmy Smits a young Han Solo meet baby Luke and Leia and have them shake their little baby hands it would be like Han lived on that ship or whatever or shoehorn him in somewhere else you'd think a toy of a young Han Solo would sell like hotcakes to know Millennium Falcon the Millennium Falcon is so [ __ ] cool it just screams classic Star Wars it's one of those unique and iconic spaceship designs that have become a staple of pop culture thankfully nowhere in this film do we see the Millennium Falcon flying around doing something stupid but like its original owner who would most likely be some kind of terrible looking generic CGI piece of crap now the Millennium Falcon is safe and secure it wasn't raped where would you rape the Millennium Falcon anyway right there I've done it again it's pretty shocking that in a film that exploits the pre-established iconic Star Wars images to such a degree that he didn't sell out with this one - speaking of selling out if you guys taken the Kodak printer challenge here's how it works switch your current printer to a Kodak job and then see how much money is safe throughout the course of a decade was it a year not a decade any other case I got all my results right here let me share them with you I've been keeping a record of it here - my creepy notebook I've been logging all the times that I purchased ink and how much I paid and now it's time to see how much I save by using a Kodak printer [Music] what doctor [ __ ] ten years that's all well these Kodak paid me 20 grand for that plug unfortunately I spent the 20 grand on hair plugs ah back to the review three almost no Jar Jar Binks after three films Lucas finally got it we only see this loathsome [ __ ] for but a brief moment or two but even though his role is a funny thing for babies is no longer useful he's still walking around the Sun at doing something why isn't he working as a janitor somewhere you know that thing he did on Naboo was like 15 years ago you think the novelty would have worn off Lucas just put them in there as a big [ __ ] you to the audience for not accepting him Jar Jar the key to all this if we get Jar Jar working it's good to show contempt for your audience just ask Michael Bay for no kids the first film obviously had a kid a kid that made you wanna sterilize the human race it also had other kids of [ __ ] talked to the second film add even more kids that talked finally the only kid in this film that talks dies and all of them die these are positive changes five no stupid ass [ __ ] love story I don't like sand thankfully there's no terrible love story in this one this film is filled with hate and revenge choking murder betrayal sadness more murder more choking worrying more murder death and so on hey anyone still want to use the excuse that these movies are made for little children I offer now is the time for you to bring that up Lucas goes full-on adult audience here giving us the very first Star Wars film that's rated pg-13 so why does this have to be so dark I mean did we really need this in a Star Wars movie [Music] okay so Darth Vader was a bad guy sure but did he have to be a violent murderer was all that necessary in a space adventure film for all ages well technically yeah because this is a story that shows how Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader yeah I know but that's really the whole point of everything here isn't it was this a story that needed to be told well any story can be interesting it just depends on how it's done was this the way it should have been done [Applause] and lastly the only good thing about the film that's in the film is number six the Emperor well his character was essentially ruined by being in such horrible schlock and actually doing some pretty dumb stuff himself the Emperor is just so wonderful anyway so it doesn't matter whether he's just filled with pure hate or he's doing manipulative things to less smart people or he's just being plain old silly the man seems to find such joy in being pure evil you got to respect that daven seems to get off a little in his pantaloons on how much hate he could feel and Anakin I guess I really liked Palpatine so much because he's the only character with any kind of passion he's [ __ ] evil and he loves it and he's got a goal he's working towards obtaining once everyone else is just like a cardboard cutout so I think that's it unfortunately Natalie Portman doesn't take off her clothes at any point in fact now she dresses like a [ __ ] Quaker or something boy I sure do miss the eighties so what else did I like I guess I liked it when Anakin got burned I liked it when it was over number three what the hell is happening let's get into this film now first and foremost I want to debunk a few myths about why it's good okay number one cuz it's dark know number two that opening shot is really impressive cuz it's like one long uncut shot or something oh you say I'm sure this was done intentionally by Lucasfilm one so there'd be something memorable about the start of this film and two so that idiots will tell other idiots about it because at this point there's nothing impressive about visual effects they don't dazzle the audience any more like they did in the past now it's just a bunch of crap all over the screen made by computer animators that wish they chose other careers like working in a tollbooth some kind of uncut special effect shot involving models and precise timing and actual camera work would have been impressive but this this [ __ ] ain't no Rube Goldberg machine or ain't no [ __ ] Goodfellas shot that's for sure so why it's a few minutes of a CGI battle sequence some guy runs a nice computer but home movies are made entirely with computers now even without any actors whatsoever movies like Toy Story and transformers and that it here or there doesn't matter so if you were impressed by that then you've been punked just like Demi Moore okay so I'll be brief I have no idea who's attacking what or what ships belong to who and I'm not even gonna try to figure it out their ships all over the place things are exploding and nothing's at stake for me to care so we see Anakin and obi-wan flying around in this mess they know what ship is General Grievous general Grievous's ship is directly ahead but they don't tell the other ship so that they can all attack it it wants and disable it or whatever oh that's okay because I don't even know who General Grievous is cuz no one told me yet I'm gonna assume he's important because he's a general and apparently he's got some kind of grievance with somebody I don't know but also aboard the ship this commander nefarious captain I'm a bad guy an admiral bone to pick but they don't mention them but what I can't comment here on this scene is something I noticed which I'll call back tracking you see the whole point of all this [ __ ] or so I thought was that Anakin Skywalker was supposedly a great and kind noble Jedi Knight who was tragically seduced by the dark side of the force and became a Darth Vader they do is seduced by the dog I just said that and start for whatever reason Anakin is written as a bad apple from the start tell us now that killed them and even in this film he's not wearing some kind of dark clothes and his hair is long and unkind it just seems like more of an [ __ ] but whoever's writing this [ __ ] suddenly realizes that they need to remind the audience that Anakin is still a good guy so the dumbest thing ever happened I'm gonna go help them out walk he wants to go back and help out the Clone Trooper oh right Anakin is Noble mmm-hmm you know pretty much from the start they've established that the clone troopers are disposable people thanks for the ride idiots I'm pretty sure when formulating battle plans Yoda or whoever isn't thinking of casualties in terms of how many widows this battle is going to create like pour a Lincoln won it was thinking if he was gonna run out of disposable people before the battle was over and [ __ ] at this point obi-wan and Anakin have been fighting the Clone Wars for years they've probably grown accustomed to seeing these guys bite it by the thousand or yet on the brink of reaching general Grievous's ship whoever that is to save the Supreme Chancellor Anakin is suddenly concerned with the welfare of one clone trooper I'm gonna go help them out I'm afraid it's a little too late to backtrack the entire last film number four setting the stage more confusion continuing on let's discuss opening sequences in general you see most movies open with some kind of something or other that gets things going and screenwriting terminologies it's called an opening scene or things that starts the movie off at the beginning in most cases it can be an elaborate action sequence that introduces the characters in setting or it can be a funny sequence that sets the tone or it can also be something as simple as a word that ignites a mystery and revenge of the sit the opening sequence is so weird disjointed and ultimately pointless that it makes cop dog look like cop-out I don't even know what that means by the way did you guys see cop out it was amazing I said it was amazing check it out oh there it is so the very first thing that we got to sit through is a pointless and on exciting sequence where Anakin and obi-wan fight off robot things on their ships only to eventually make it to where they're going to get to anyways they also make waste of battle droids with such efficiency that it's both totally pointless and boring you might as well just have them land their speeders in the hangar Bane get out and not have to battle droids there at all because it's the same goddamn thing if they're there or not there you got it that were introduced to something that I guess is a reptile inside a robot costume wearing a cape now as General Grievous supposed to be funny because they said he was a villain right not a comedian like Larry Seinfeld but more like a creepy weirdo like Jerry Flint I'm so confused anyway with these [ __ ] Star Wars prequels I'm always forced to go back to screenwriting 101 and a big four-letter word that comes to mind [ __ ] no I'm just kidding the word is crap now I'm just kidding the word is [ __ ] No I'm just kidding the word is pissed no I'm just kidding the word is pull no I'm just kidding the word is garbage now I'm just kidding the word is tone and for those of you who don't understand what I'm saying tone is how a movie feels movies are either like comedies or dramas or action movies or thrillers if they waver on the tone you don't know what it is and your brain starts to hurt typically you should establish what your movie is in the first ton mansoor so take ghostbusters you establish your characters they're witty and funny and your audience gets that this movie is going to be some kind of light-hearted comedy thing with ghosts in it there isn't a violent rape on a pinball machine in the first 10 minutes of ghostbusters nor is there a pie in the face gag in the opening of Citizen Kane and Revenge of the Sith what appears to be a general space adventure film is punctuated by a brutal decapitation mixed with bizarre attempts at slapstick humor this whole sequence from the beginning to the crash landing goes from an intense confusing and complicated space battle to Hawkwood slapstick you press the stop button no did you know oh it's you then suddenly it becomes dark and violent and back to awkward comedy Archer then I don't know what the hell the tone is supposed to be here if it's supposed to be funny or exciting or scary I can't feel anything then to make matters worse Lucas prematurely tries to create a thematic bridge between Jedi and Sith by having a set that looks like the throne room of the Emperor in Return of the Jedi everything built up to that showdown there's a certain tension in the air you can't use that imagery here and now at the beginning it makes no sense it's confusing to us either have an opening sequence where it's like the last of the light-hearted adventures of obi-wan and Anakin before things go really bad or have a dark dramatic opening sequence where Anakin and proper team discovered things about each other and a dark tone is said one or the other let's discuss what happens here Palpatine has been kidnapped by general grievance and the Jedi's are there to rescue him the entire sequence revolves around the moment when Anakin goes a little too far and cuts off Dokus head so basically as far as I'm concerned at this point Anakin is Darth Vader and getting burned and put inside the suit is just a formality but several questions remain that aren't told to the audience and I don't care if it was called elicit [ __ ] book or whatever one did grievous actually attempt to kidnap Palpatine on his own true did Palpatine allow Grievous to kidnap him or did the two conspire together to stage the kidnapping three if they conspired the kidnapping was Doku being killed part of the plan if so did Doc who have any say in this plan for what if Doku just happened to spill the beans about Palpatine being Sidious when he realized he was betrayed what if Anakin didn't kill Doku after Palpatine said to kill him talk about awkward five did Grievous intend to kill Anakin and obi-wan or was his plan to let them escape if so why wouldn't he just leave their lightsabers behind somewhere like an assay for something rather than bringing them with you're let's better swim a fine addition to my dad all we wanted to put them inside his coat with his other trophies oh well being trained in the Jedi arts doesn't he know that Jedi's can move things with their minds and that displaying that he has a bunch of lightsabers is probably not the best idea cuz then they'll just do exactly what they did oh but wait there's more grievance sons his henchmen to attack them and then for no reason he walks out of the frame and does nothing off-camera while the Jedi defeat the henchman where is he going why is he going over there what the hell is he doing unless his plan was to escape but then why bring them up to the control room when I keep them locked in the race shield and then just leave wait if obi-wan can just grab the lightsaber with his mind did they even need Artoo's distraction oh wait what if Anakin was having like a really bad day and he was tired and unfocused and then he accidentally got killed by one of those guys with the things I guess profiting was secretly controlling Grievous and everyone's actions in the control room including Obi Wan's Anakin's and all the robot guards fighting them because Anakin could have gotten killed you got a guy crushed by the elevator but that doesn't explain how stupid General Grievous acted why not just keep them in the race shield forever but then you get oh-oh-oh Grievous doesn't know so wait why didn't Grievous just execute Palpatine so that he could win the war or kill Palpatine and the Jedi so when he captured them was he trying to get like a ransom did Sidious tell him to capture Palpatine so that he could lure the Jedi's on board only to kill Doku big oh wait I guess not what insidious have wanted the Jedi's to escape I'm so confused but wait there's more in the first five minutes we've already gotten into territory where every single line in action makes no sense again first of all once they rescue Palpatine he says get help cannon for him he's a Sith Lord Oh everyone then turns and says something incredibly stupid Chancellor Palpatine Sith Lords are our speciality oh sure they are his real response should have been wait get help from where from who who when this ship could help us and how do you know he's a Sith Lord or how do you even know what a Sith Lord is and stop the whole comment goes right over all the ones heads I guess Palpatine was controlling his mind right to like make him stupider how did this happen we're smarter than this then after Doku is dead there's a sudden urgency to get off the ship when before there was no urgency at all leave him or we'll never make it why is there a sudden urgency to leave now we must leave before most security droids right oh right yeah those security droids have always been a real problem this new Titan we must get off this ship before it's too late Anakin should really stop and say hold on before what's too late leave him or we'll never make it what's the rush Chancellor you know you're acting like a weirdo you know what a Sith Lord is he's a Sith Lord you're telling me to cut off someone's head kill him but then you're telling me to leave obi-wan Kenobi a Jedi that we've all known for decades leave him or we'll never make it to die for no real reason when there's no real hurry we can't take five minutes to pick his body up you're acting kind of suspicious but now our lead characters can't form coherent thoughts or are intelligent enough to notice basic things like this and then we as an audience are constantly sitting there asking ourselves questions about motivation and logic the entire film because the script is a rush sloppy mess that was written in a week there you go a first draft official always scenes all the [ __ ] is just to get Anakin and the Darth Vader suit for no real reason at all and people wonder why the prequels are bad poorly written films I stand by my statement the people that like these films are either drooling idiots that just like lightsabers or tiny babies next we see our second usage of backtracking when we reminded that Anakin was indeed a great pilot it was the best stop hided in the galaxy you see he knows how to say open all hatches extend all flaps and drag fins he also tried spinning that's a good trick what a great and legendary pilot stop feeding us this pig slop I'm only half pig so on ignoring the logic that a runway wouldn't exist in a world where every craft can take off vertically but on a planet there's nothing but a city it's a good thing they didn't crash into a space orphanage another happy landing another happy landing what kind of crappy dialog is there anyways speaking of happy landings have you planned your next fun jet vacation these hotels and resorts come highly recommended by a college evil team of destination experts based on the enmities Aled added values and overall experience they provide and since we refresh the deals over two weeks there's always something new to check out jerk off these hot vacation destination st. Louis Missouri Kabul Afghanistan Sheboygan Wisconsin Nairobi Kenya North Korean holding cell awaiting public execution for spying no refunds speaking of destinations let's take a trip to our film's main setting number five a war with no consequences the terrible result of the limited script focus is the lost opportunities of all the other elements at play basically the point of all three films is just to get Anakin into the Darth Vader suit and to neatly tie everything together at the and to make a [ __ ] zillion dollars in the end when you think about it nothing else matters really obi-wan was static and boring as was Padme and basically everyone else and the ironic part is at the center of all this is the largest galactic war avro which was used as a device by Palpatine to trick the Senate into making him the Emperor when he apparently had the ability to influence people's minds anyways so to skip the whole war from the beginning so again the war is between robots and clones the robots do try to conquer other planets like the Wookiee planet and the whatever planet but basically the effects of this war are not felt at all on course on the main setting of the film the whole war just seems like some kind of minor inconvenience happening somewhere out in space even though it says otherwise in the opening title crawl try to make alms her hair on the window smiling there's an active nightlife scene ships fly around like business as usual and then they babble on about taking back whatever system in like a dry dull corporate boardroom meeting I've always hesitated on suggesting ideas on how to fix the Star Wars prequels because basically everything in them is wrong but here's a couple of simple ideas to make the audience care even slightly about what's going on one skip all that clone troopers crap storm troopers originally seemed to be just dudes and uniforms like they never said they were clones in fact they even small talk with each other you know what's going on damage another town but you gotta do something with clones because they mention it you fought in the Clone Wars yeah I got it thanks anyway how about the clones are just like ugly cloned monsters maybe like those things from the Lord of the Rings movies though or glue to whatever the hell they were called the things that got birth by evil magic then they attack Horus on suddenly this peaceful Republic is thrust into war cuz clones from some mysterious place in outer space attacked them ordinary men are forced into service and die by the millions causing terrible suffering and chaos and Khorasan would make battle scenes more emotionally engaging after so many years of war it becomes commonplace or even law that able-bodied men must be a stormtrooper for however many years and over a generation they become loyal soldiers but then you got all those Admirals and officers and all those other guys and they ain't the Boba Fett clones they either signed up or were drafted perhaps we actually witness a physical decay of Khorasan over the duration of the war at first we see a ton of flying car traffic in the first film and that as the war goes on the traffic's down to basically nothing buildings are in decay we see food lines then Palpatine what makes speeches about making the ultimate sacrifice for the Empire and so on almost our real dictatorship begins and operates instead we get this I can go early and fix up the baby's here and then even at the end of the special edition of Jedi they show chorus on celebrating the destruction of the Death Star and the city basically looks the same if you were an average Joe the rise and fall of the Empire might not have even affected your life in the least bit it seems making the sacrifice and risk of the rebellion utterly pointless nice job everyone no one cares [Applause] number six fill her up with a lot of nothing makes sense so again in this film we're told about those wacky fun adventures that Anakin and obi-wan have that we don't get to see you only one and not for saving your skin for the tenth time nine and just like in the last film Anakin hangs around with Padme while obi-wan goes off on a mission by himself that's pointless to the ultimate conclusion of the story this is what they call filler and it's nowhere near as good as the kind they put in Twinkies I like to [ __ ] Mike at general grievance himself estilo I'm not sure I even understand him he's obviously a pawn of Sidious right and Sidious is Palpatine and Palpatine's goal is to keep being voted more and more power right but yet he helps establish a centralized leader of the opposition and then they say this and I assure you the Senate will vote to continue the war as long as Grievous is alive well if the war is over then that could end the need for a supreme all-powerful Chancellor that has more control over the Senate if he does not to give up his emergency powers after the destruction of grievous how about this the robot armies are controlled by a yet unseen force master Jedi this wall could go on forever except for whatever reason he tells Anakin to tell the Jedi where Grievous is our plan intelligence units have discovered the location of General Grievous I guess so that obi-wan could go away and that Palpatine could have more a long time with Anakin to try and sway him over to the dark side but then when obi-wan finally kills Grievous Palpatine then Springs his trap to have all the clone troopers kill the Jedi's and then he blames the Jedi's for trying to take over why didn't he just do that before what would he have done if Grievous escaped again or samuel l.jackson didn't confront him and then he melted his own face when was he gonna spring this trap anyways if all these events didn't occur what if Grievous got killed and then they said resigned what was he going to just take out a light Sabre then then why didn't you just take out a lightsaber before we'll be able to capture that monster and end this war so what motivation now that the war is over what the Jedi's have to try and take over and it's really apparent by his actions that Palpatine is the one who's trying to take over I mean he is trying to be the Supreme Chancellor forever is everyone blind and stupid which leads me to my next point number seven there's everyone blind and stupid every character is dumb but who's the dumbest let's find out just how stupid is Yoda so your autumn it--be a powerful Jedi but wise he is not get it I did like a Yoda thing besides always having a look of utter confusion on his face about everything all the time Yoda seems to have no ability to use the Force other than to throw rocks I think it is tiny and slow in the Senate that our ability to use the force is diminished if profiting can diminish his ability to use the force and why is that only limited to the mental and not the physical anyway when Anakin is raging with frustration and worry about Padme is inexplicable impending murder by pregnancy Yoda can't tell that Anakin is one hiding something really big two is madly in love with hot pants Padme three is just teeming with irritation and frustration at the Jedi and at every aspect of his life I guess the dark side clouds everything but by just looking at the guy I control all sorts of things are wrong and I'm no psychologist in fact I threw my last psychologist out a window we're asking about my dear mother bury them under the floorboards Harry no one has to know it'll be our little secret so how stupid is Yoda the guy is like sweating and he looks evil like the concept that Palpatine is clouding everyone's minds basically makes all the characters null and void and utterly stupid does this mind clouding ability have a range like when Yoda is on Kashyyyk is he like hey wait a minute it all makes sense now Palpatine's behind it all unfortunately the debate is not over the Senate will never approve the use of clones before the separatists attack this is a crisis the Senate must vote the Chancellor emergency powers he can then approve the creation of an army the entire Senate is filled with stupid idiots yeah okay that's true yes but I was talking about this Senate ok so during the fight scene with samuel l.jackson Palpatine zone electrical discharges either melts his face or like reveal his true form is some kind of really old monster I'm not sure which cuz the film doesn't tell us I always thought the Emperor was just kind of really old in Jedi and just kind of looked bad but now he has a giant puffy inflamed monster face Luke had lightning all over his face but it didn't turn his face into a puffy monster face but anyway he tells the Senate that the Jedi an organization of monks that have been the guardians of peace and justice for over a thousand generations have suddenly decided to take over the world oh and I just also happen to look and sound like a monster that wants to take over the world don't mind my creepy black cloak my horribly evil sounding voice or terrifying face also don't mind the fact that I'm yelling about creating a Galactic Empire run exclusively by me don't no you see it's the Jedi that are the ones who tried to take over and that warranted them all being executed by the army that I control by myself without any kind of trial and the courts to prove that what I'm saying is true yep we just killed them all including the children then we burn down their temple and you're all just gonna have to take my word for it trust me look at my face would this face lie to you you see I've successfully eliminated the only opposition I might have had to form my own Galactic Empire please continue with the applause so remember to vote Palpatine in the next election that will never happen because I said so now is he controlling everyone's minds or is the Senate that stupid even the genius Padme is listening intently and not sure what's real or not I'm Padme is a brilliant genius we cannot let a thousand years of democracy disappear we're hold on is is it a thousand years or a thousand generations I will not let this Republic that has stood for a thousand years to be splitting - you know when writing my review I originally wrote years I have the sense to go back and check out what obi-wan said in Star Wars over a thousand generations the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace of justice oh you know there's a big difference between a year and a generation maybe George Lucas should have gone back and looked at what they said before filming the [ __ ] move at General Grievous is a stupid dumb [ __ ] idiot so property orders brave us to move on separatist leaders to Mustafar Grievous is apparently a military leader because he has the rank of general but it just says yes without even thinking about it and study should probably say that sounds like a great place for some kind of ambush if they were to discover where all of the separatist leaders are on that subject wouldn't it be smarter to spread them out all over the place so that Sidious wait who are you again and where are you from need to know who I am or where I'm broadcasting this hologram from just do what I say my purse I have a pair of pantaloons for you to wear they're stylish obi-wan Kenobi is a stupid [ __ ] idiot head over Wan Kenobi is a stupid dumb [ __ ] - I already mentioned how he's so stupid things in the beginning but that rides around some kind of dinosaur for some reason and now all of a sudden he enjoys showing off in this movie I love that instead of waiting three minutes for the clone troopers to arrive and using a surprise advantage to kill Grievous and on the war patients use the Force think he foolishly jumps into the middle of a bunch of bad robots - apparently challenge Grievous to a duel or something all them robots could have just started shooting him to death that'll be one just stands there while Grievous takes like 15 seconds to remove his cape unhinge all of his arms and grab all of his lightsabers obi-wan could have lunged at him and cut his head off in like one second eventually though after another pointless on exciting tensionless sterile dull consequence-free lame tiring visually exhausting chasing obi-wan does kill Grievous with the blaster by shooting him in his heart so uncivilized now decapitating people is uncivilized and I'm also sorry that you're so stupid that you failed to see the obvious tactical advantages of a projectile weapon when it just saved your [ __ ] ass the Jedi Council are all stupid fools and they don't know what they're doing a sense of plot to destroy the Jedi I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi so the Jedi have their dumb meaning to talk about things one of the topics is who's going to go to kill grievance remember killing this guy will end the war so they pick obi-wan over Anakin for no real reason when they both could have gone they both want to rescue poppet right but done they decide to give Anakin the mission to spy on the Chancellor instead it's very dangerous putting them together hey well then don't put them together why don't you spying him by watching the security holograms that record what's going on in his office but again using Jedi wisdom they just sent one guy to go kill the main bad guy so is it wiser to send Yoda to observe a totally pointless battle between robots and sasquatches or is he better off going to the place where Grievous might be in helping to kill him how important can holding the Wookiee planetary system for another day really be the brilliant script does have an excuse for this lack of logic it's this however it may turn out just to be a wild bantha chase oh that's a good reason just to send one guy what if it's not a wild bantha chase also who's in charge of this war who's like the George Washington here is it Yoda is it the Jedi Council it seems like during charge because they keep talking strategy with keepers of the Peace not soldiers so if the cone hat guy didn't remember to mention the wookie planet they probably all just sort of forgot about it they're like oh yeah that's super important isn't it he's right it's a system we cannot afford to lose it's like he just casually brings that up when that one line changes where everyone's gonna go ladies and gentlemen if you've ever wondered how a war would be run by disorganized hippies here it is Dan as if their strategic decisions don't make the Jedi Council look dumb enough as it is how they deal with the power-hungry Chancellor makes them look even more dumber the dark side of the force surrounds the Chancellor the opportunities to stop Palpatine's plan and prevent Anakin from becoming evil were so numerous and obvious that they could be put in a giant list let's do that shall we one tell Palpatine that his term is up if he changed the law argue to make a new law to change it back then ask him to state his reasons why it shouldn't be changed back I asked him to explain why he in particular is so qualified to conduct a war used the process against him half jimmy smits call for a vote of no confidence in Palpatine of step one doesn't work the reasoning is that if Palpatine doesn't resign then he would be fighting for an unlimited term for no good reason he would be going against the very foundation and ideology of a government run by democratically elected officials based on some set of rules or a constitution I loved him up you see find out facts about the Clone Army look into where the clones came from a little more thoroughly than not at all look into his heart if you suspect Palpatine is up to no good try to sense his emotions if he's able to block you he just might know the ways of the force specifically the dark side Murdock Lorien count check his midi-chlorian count get some blood from his stool physically confront Palpatine for instead of confronting Palpatine inside his private cramped office hallway wait until he's in public to arrest him eventually we'll try to escape or attack you and then he'll be exposed in front of everyone if he doesn't then you can actually arrest him like plan and elect a new leader in his place use blatantly obvious evidence to your advantage before confronting profit scene with a lightsaber again in private with no witnesses show the damning security tape footage to the Senate which is actually in session at the time you find it or take it to some place and broadcast it over the news but if you need to directly confront him then at the very least team up together and murder him send me to kill the Emperor I will not kill Anakin instead of splitting up obi-wan and Yoda should have first attacked Palpatine and then went and killed Anakin how's that for wise put me and the council coach I'm ready nute gunray's the stupidest [ __ ] ever this [ __ ] idiot has been around for three films and is the dumbest person in the galaxy something in the Phantom Menace he was involved in a pointless business arrangement with a distant hologram that looked like death and placed into a situation where him and his Trade Federation were obviously being used as pawns this guy's plans Donnie gets arrested for causing a galactic war and yet somehow reappears in the second film now he agrees to yet again take part in another scheme by the same hologram that looks like damn this time is the only reason for doing this is that he wants proud of me killed because he apparently blames her for the whole Naboo fiasco not that guy is she dead yet so even though Newton his extensive Trade Federation that's large enough to conduct a war probably could have mustered the resources for a simple assassination he again relies on Darth evil to take care of it so that the plot for the second film can get going however in the third film nute Gunray is still going along for the ride with all these jokers even though no one has yet to kill Padme and he seems to be getting nothing out of this arrangement other than the destruction of all his Trade Federation ships and robots hey Newt you're being had it's time to stop making decisions buddy okay it's time to retire you know hang up the old hat take away oh I guess he died then Anakin is even more dumber as a new gun rain so the dumbest prize award goes to none other than Anakin Skywalker I don't know what to say Anakin wasn't really seduced by the dark side he was tricked into becoming evil I don't understand that or Anakin is the dumbest person ever what do you mean for example Anakin discovers the problem is pregnant he then has a dream that same night that she'll die in childbirth yes Jedi's have premonitions about the future just do Qiu Yu Shi [Music] and I guess he had a dream about his mother getting raped by sand people so anyway soon they're at Palpatine in Palpatine's talking about the Sith again it's a Dark Lord of the Sith and we're like why does this guy know so much about the Sith it's like being in a casual conversation with someone that you've known and then they start talking about how they're currently reading mine come you might just raise an eyebrow and be like wait what did you just say about mine come but instead the fact that this guy starts talking about the Sith and the legend of Darth Plagueis or whatever Anakin is just sitting there like a [ __ ] oh can I still say [ __ ] Anakin is just sitting there like an exceptional individual then he talks about a magic trick to save people from dying he could actually save people from death I will even learn to stop people from dying wow that's pretty convenient timing Anakin I'm willing to bet money that a Palpatine had said you know anything this Sith Lords have the ability to save pregnant women from dying during childbirth I bet even if he said those exact words Anakin still would have just sat there looking like a [ __ ] Neanderthal Oh can I still say neanderthal good is a point of view at the settlement a similar impudent idiot maybe this guy that seems to despise the Jedi and keeps talking about the advantages of being a Sith Lord might be a Sith Lord a Sith Lord yes the one we've been looking for and they've been actively looking for the Sith Lord hmm well could it have been could it be this guy or what about this guy well maybe it could have been this lady or maybe it was a pig so if this were the Dark Ages maybe Padma might have died during childbirth I'm not an expert on the subject though in fact I'm not an expert on anything but really in this technological medical Wonderland how about you do a c-section with your lightsaber seem to be pretty accurate with it I guess this is all just a matter of perspective but again it falls in line with the fact that just the basic amount of common sense would have foiled all of Palpatine's plans in an instant eventually though Palpatine has to flat-out tell him that he's evil because he can't take a hint even the nature of the dog you're from Ray Charles could see that coming and he doesn't know anything about Star Wars then an awkward fight ensues and Anakin is forced to make a decision help samuel l.jackson in a robe or help this weird guy with the weird monster face who just told you a very vague story about how he once knew a guy who knew how to save someone from dying or something all the choice is clear so long Samuel I hope you burn in hell oh geez I hope you got a stunt double for that anyway so Anakin kneels before Monster Mash and pledges his loyalty to the graveyard smash but like there's a reason for him to pledge his loyalty to evil right and all of it the sort of involving saving Padme just taught me safe I'm a sly then Dracula's like cheated death only one has achieved but if we work together I know he could discover where were wait what can't we do it like now my lady's got a pretty big baby bump and she does deliver two full-sized babies in like six hours from now also you never said it was a secret oh I've been tricked holy [ __ ] what have I done I just killed samuel l.jackson for this [ __ ] who's gonna play Nick Fury in The Avengers movie so despite the questionable logic in the very convenient timing of Palpatine's promise to save Padme from dying during childbirth dumbass agrees to just go off and kill everyone to neatly tie everything up even though to him none of it would actually make sense go to the Mustafar system wipe out Viceroy Gunray wait why are we killing the separatists and how do you know where they are why didn't you just tell us where they were before of the you killed all the Jedi in the temple now we're killing all the Jedi - wait wait what should I kill the entire Senate as well wait Who am I not killing besides Padme Raiders pretty [ __ ] dumb oh it's done excuse me just a moment perfect [Music] number eight blues the magic of Technology ruins the magic of movies now I may be a very old alcoholic murderer but I understand the need to shoot stuff on a blue screen also known as a green screen by racists it's a necessary tool for compositing shots together to make the new modern movie magic happened they've been doing tricks like that since the early days of cinema with rear screen projections matte paintings or so on a lot of modern filmmakers have done some really great work with the green screen and compositing and computers if you know what you're doing you could seamlessly blend everything together or create a movie that has a visual style to it depends on the movie though they don't film romantic comedies against green screens and it's not a good idea to try and pass off every single environment as a real environment the human eye can detect fakeness really well it's not too hard the irony of Star Wars is that even though we see the most vast and open scenery generated by a computer I just know that the actors are being filmed in a smaller space and restricted it just doesn't feel right and it shatters my suspension of disbelief constantly because it doesn't look real here's a couple examples and I'm not sure what to pin this on the use of the green screen or just poor direction but it's a good example of why the prequels suck okay so like the most important thing ever happens Anakin tell samuel l.jackson that Palpatine is a Sith and that he's going to get them all I think Chancellor Palpatine is a Sith Lord a Sith Lord we must move quickly if the Jedi Order is to survive then they just start walking at what can't even be described as a brisk pace yarn now in comparison let's take a look at a scene from their recent Star Trek movie we realize is that they're warping into a trap all of a sudden swell of action music as they run and the camera falls behind them in a frantic pace to gather other Jedi's to go confront Palpatine I don't know maybe Samuel was being discreet or whatever but the other way just sounds more exciting in a movie I mean we're not making straight story right but they probably just had like 30 feet of green screen and track to work with and those are the lines that they had to say I guess I guess it just what about a lot harder to film if you had a camera with the Steadicam and you're running through the Jedi Temple and it was all action-packed and stuff that would mean locusts would have to get off his chair and stop drinking his coffee and they would have to move all the monitors and things but whatever doesn't require me to have to get off my chair or have to move all the [ __ ] don't worry about the audience as long as you're comfortable while you're directing the film that's all that matters just have them talking in front of the green screen and use two cameras to shoot reverse angles and to have them say the lines and just get the scene over with just sit in the chair with your coffee and watch those monitors because then if you don't got to get up it makes it easier it is his way of actually trying to make the best possible film that he can okay and cut okay great another pretty clear example of green screen disadvantages when the actors don't know what they're doing whoa like when obi-wan confronts Grievous I'm gonna guess they just had you and McDonald standing there looking into green nothingness and someone was telling him that Grievous was right there well like the thing is he lights up all of the swords and does kind of this like karate show-off stance thing but it happens quickly right in front of obi wan's face gravest could have just lunged right at him superfast and cut him up into like 20 pieces he doesn't even flinch or react to this he just stands there probably because you and had no idea what he was supposed to be looking at at that particular second there's kind of stuff stands out to me and it takes me out of the movie cuz it looks fake you know what else takes me out of the movie my [ __ ] colon so that's what the doctors meant by unexpected fecal release I did write a letter to the staff at the Cedar Lane cinema apologizing for the mess and even though they did clean up a half a gallon of my feces they seemed to think I was referring to the movie damn it stop link it there's no need to personally apologize for the mess that was Star Wars Revenge of the Sith it certainly wasn't your fault additionally we do thank you for your kind words about our staff and the wonderful cleanup job they did when you [ __ ] colon suddenly released a half a gallon of fecal matter onto the floor of a cinema we would have never expected that one man could eat so much corn please except uh sincerest apologies for your film viewing experience sincerely Cedar Lane cinema management Teaneck New Jersey well wasn't that nice of them the last example is the opposite of restriction and if you spend enough time and effort on a sequence you can literally do amazing things with your characters and put them anywhere let's look at that most of our fight everyone is mad at Anakin because it killed children also known as younglings so that we don't have to use the phrase killed children in a movie made for children and that Erica in this matter obi-wan because obi-wan is a meanie head so they fight and they fight and they fight more and they keep fighting it was a challenge in the Obi Anakin fight because three or four minutes in you gather the initial explosion of the fight of why they're fighting it basically says that the characters emotional state is no longer important because the [ __ ] fight goes on for too long they explain in excruciating detail just how much work went into shooting a sequence like this and it's quite amazing the level of difficulty and complexity all to make a sequence that the audience will ultimately find boring because there's nothing else going on other than after fighting while the blue screen restricts in some cases when you don't want to spend too much time on those boring talking parts air can cause creativity overload look I know shooting on location is a horrible pain in the ass and can get expensive and I got respect for Lucas for the [ __ ] he went through making the original Star Wars film but really the notion that bigger and more epic equals more emotion for some reason it's just a fallacy when I watch footage of George making these movies I see a few things I see a man that likes to keep pushing the envelope of visual effects and a man that likes to film scenes in the comfort of a controlled environment while drinking his coffee and watching monitors let's do this the old-fashioned way hey you guys see that one James Bond movie called die another day there's a pretty awesome sword fight in that movie the neat thing about this scene is that it feels real the guys get tired and bloody and it really seems like they're fighting and not just endlessly hearing each other with glow sticks inside of the videogame with this sequence it took 58,000 people to make 917 thousand man-hours and 243 million hours of computer animation they weren't working on some complicated construction project it was just a scene in a movie where two guys fight they could have gone up to the side of some volcano somewhere and filmed them fighting there have a guy there with the smoke machine in a white shot at in a matte painting background or a computer background I have a guy pouring fake lava down the rock when they're fighting and have the scene be five minutes the point is Anakin loses stretching it out for so long and such an over-the-top show-off way only makes me think of one thing I think of a little middle-aged businessman who's short he's balding and has a tiny penis so he buys a red Lamborghini to compensate this entire sequence is the film version of compensating for lack of a story and ability to connect with the audience on an emotional level now I ain't saying Lucas has a tiny penis don't misinterpret what I'm saying this is an anal G oh god this has gone too far I've gone too far in a few places and there are two types of people in this world people that understand what I'm saying people that like the Star Wars prequels okay that's enough for anymore I'm gonna head on hey hey guys has anybody seen the keys to my red Lamborghini number nine the importance of Darth Vader the biggest problem with Revenge of the Sith and all the Star Wars prequels in general was ironically Darth Vader himself he was way over emphasized in these films for some reason and this is the reason why these movies don't work and look it's got nothing do it Hayden Christensen he heard a fine job with the material given to him he's not a bad actor kids leave him alone even Sir Laurence Oliver couldn't read these shitty lines it also wasn't the fact that Anakin was a jerk the whole time I mean that didn't help but it goes beyond that it was the fact that Vader was just so central to this story and all the events of this universe guy the guy will become old when no reason other than he's Darth Vader and that he's famous to us ain't get showed the gross limitations in the writing Lucas allowed the outside world to seep into the storyline when it really shouldn't have since he first walked onto the screen Darth Vader has become a cultural icon all over the world we don't even need to get into that [ __ ] we've all heard that crap before but if you look back at it from a story perspective and a new hope he it was just a weirdo in a suit he was a part of a bigger story Leia made father them to his face when he was standing right there I should expected to find you holding Vader's leash he did dirty work for Grand Moff Tarkin the Imperial commanders didn't really respect him they made fun of his religion your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped until he choked them they even flew around a TIE fighter where it could have easily been killed he was a carryover from an older era I guess but to me just seemed like one of the bad guys that carried out the business of the Empire it was like a Nazi SS officer that would go in with the troops smashed things up and let you know that the Empire meant business he was not space Jesus Jesus I'm so sorry you had to be in this review please forgive me Lord I know you hated the movie told me Vader's totally over blown apart and started with the implied religiousness of a virginal birth to the suddenly invented notion of some kind of space prophecy that made absolutely no sense at all it's even kind of implied that Palpatine made Anakin by using his sick power he could use the Force to influence the midi-chlorians creator was just some kind of [ __ ] in a robot suit it's because everything is so tightly focused on one thing that Darth Vader is some kind of be-all end-all puzzle piece to complete the universe for some reason which at first was to bring balance to the force you refer to the prophecy of the one who will bring balance to the force but then it was later changed to destined to destroy the Sith is he not to destroy the Sith and bring balance to the force which makes a little more sense I guess because eventually Anakin does destroy the Sith I throw her out but team down a mineshaft but that was a prophecy what I was told what like a hundred years ago by who where the prophecy is that Anakin will bring balance of the force and destroy the Sith he becomes Darth Vader Darth Vader does become the hero Darth Vader does destroy the Sith meaning himself and the emperor does that sound stupid Johnny one else other than me is this real is this on how about a prophecy that some guy was gonna blow up the first Death Star well I'm just gonna take a wild guess here and say that all those spin-offs and books and magazines and cartoon shows and whatever they're Sith Lords beyond Palpatine right I mean all you need are just some mythic lorian's in a lust for power to learn the ways of the dark side right so does a prophecy really make any sense but then Anakin gets his ass kicked by obi-wan causing him to be severely handicapped inside a robot suit where he can't breathe without the aid of a respirator so really all that for what one scene where he kills some children and a bunch of helpless cartoon characters very generally speaking it could have done these prequels in two ways to make them not totally suck one make Anakin a smaller part of a larger story have anakin just be like a respected noble Jedi Knight maybe even like a family man and then I have the dark side in the end seduce him and he does a bunch of bad things or to make a character story that focuses almost entirely on Anakin's rise and fall which is what they did the problem is is that Lucas doesn't seem to know how to write a character like Anakin in that way the whole character arc with Anakin has dealt with him getting more and more pissed off because he didn't have enough power to fix all the bad things in his life specifically people dying it's a good thing for Adam II fell in love with them or else you'd be saying I will someday have the power to make people love me Anakin can't deal with loss and seeks out the dark side got it do we need to set that up over three films you know well I should be I want more and I know I shouldn't now this personal weakness is fine but the huge missing ingredient is that we never got to know Anakin as a person and I've got to go through this again do I the tragedy element actually comes from caring about a character or at the very least relating to him we as an audience don't care at all about Anakin the biggest missed opportunity in the whole trilogy is that we never got to see any of Anakin's training it's always just assumed that he was trained at some point we don't see sure everyone says a couple things here and there but it's nothing extensive where we as an audience can actually learn more about the Jedi ways and understand what the [ __ ] they are when we see Luke training with Yoda he's asking questions is the dark side stronger he's learning things making decisions Yoda is teaching him and we are learning we learn about Luke how he thinks how he responds to things we'll never get it out now some of the more famous Star Wars moments come from this period of Jedi training do or do not there is no try we are never shown the most important character development moments in a film that's almost exclusively about a character all we do is learn about why he's angry I know why I'm angry however is poorly set up as Anakin sudden turn to the dark side was there is one redeeming quality here there was some kind of temptation involved as much as I loved the ending confrontation in Jedi the Emperor's approach always bothered me it was because there is never really anything to tempt Luke other than just a vague threat and the notion that the more hate you have to more powerful you can become Luke never really sought power and there's nothing really for him there all he really just had to say was no thanks this one little moment is more interesting than anything that happened in all three prequel films how Vader became Vader is not as interesting as his Redemption and how he became Vader really didn't matter it just needed to be mentioned in one sentence they do was seduced by the dark side of the force oh that happened number ton execute order wat so what's the deal with order 66 I have literally hurt my brain thinking about this one I don't know if it's a reference to something please email me answer - I don't give a crap at who cares you stupid [ __ ] [ __ ] dot nut but the best I can figure out is that Lukas is writing the script and he gets to this part and he thinks to himself hmm what should the Batman say now should it be a code word like begin operation hot zone killed know it sounds stupid what about a number what's like an evil sounding number hmm while 666 no that's too obvious how about just execute order six execute order six too simple it makes it sound like they don't get that many orders to begin with what about order 66 execute order 66 okay that works let's move on number eleven the language of cinema now if you'll permit me I'd like to compare Revenge of the Sith with what is widely considered to be one of the greatest motion pictures ever made Citizen Kane is that fair nope you see there are many levels of irony here too many to think about but in short you got two directors that both have total control over their film Welles used special effects to extensively tell a story and Lucas used a story to extensively tell special effects now I know that Citizen Kane is really about William Randolph Hearst but in his own way Lucas kind of became his own Charles Foster Kane going from an idealistic young filmmaker wanting to rebel against the system to becoming the system and a bit of a weird recluse himself now whether Lucas realized the personal irony or not I think he tried to make Anakin Skywalker into his own Charles Foster Kane and maybe what he thought would be his own film masterpiece everyone just always says Lucas is just a horrible commercial sellout that just made these movies to sell toys and make [ __ ] loads of money but I give him the benefit of the doubt and explore this so let's call this Citizen Vader shall we sorry got a boy who was taken from his home and his mother at a young age and away from a bad environment slavery an abusive father eventually he becomes an idealistic young man with the set of principles you got the Jedi Code and Kane's own Declaration of Principles done slowly each character is consumed and ultimately destroyed by their own heir against a must for power and control and a fear of losing the ones that they love a fall from grace if you will we even have a necklace sled theme going on at the end here it's a classic tale really but it just doesn't work with Daniken because the character doesn't feel like a real person because it's written so horribly the fact is that this script feels rushed and not thought-out probably because it was rushed and not thought-out yeah they're ready building sets I'm gonna have to start this script pretty soon also locus is notorious for not being an actor's director I will not betray the Republic you know my loyalties so your turn but it's have rewritten I spent the whole weekend rewriting the scene between you and Palpatine where you turn yeah and I've added some more to that they give you a performance you talk about what you want to have happen and then you do another take and then you talk again and you just keep going through it until you get it the way you want it it seems to just view actors is a tool like a computer or a prop you know sometimes an actor can bring a whole new level to a scene that you didn't imagine in the first place but in the prequels there's a very clear line of distinction between the actor scenes and the special-effects scenes the action scenes can be animated in any way possible there's a lot of good action in this movie I guess when you're anime all sorts of [ __ ] the camera can move around unrestricted and things generally move faster in a more visual way these action scenes would be really neat if we knew or cared about what was happening I mean all be ones riding around on a dinosaur trying to hail a lizard who's inside a robot suit with the stick with electricity on the end while the lizard and the robot suit is riding around on a giant robotic hamster wheel but when it comes to the dialogue scenes between characters it's a whole other story the scenes typically have the blocking of a soap opera something that's shot for efficiency reasons rather than artistic they are so dull and unimaginative it's almost a contradiction given the amazing environments they're setting from as a visual medium and Lucas is praised for being a pioneer of building visuals because he revolutionized special effects the irony is now when he's given to humans and some dialogue it's a boring disaster on film it's fairly apparent he just wants to get these scenes out of the way to get us back to the action bought in a film that's primarily a character study apparently is that really the way to go most of the dialogue scenes are done one of two ways either characters walking somewhere or people sitting down usually on a couch the story is so bland and uninteresting where people are saying usually doesn't connect to the environment they're in anyways they could be anywhere really it was so worried about you when we have a scene that starts with characters walking they'll usually slow down and then stop then we'll go to what's called shot reverse shot basic over-the-shoulder camera angles of two people talking to each other this is the most basic and simplistic way to shoot dialogue scenes now to spice it up at almost the exact same moment in a scene when the shot or ver shot starts to get boring a character will walk away and go over to a window and then look out the window when you say I want more but I know I shouldn't you can turn away Lucas broke new ground by giving Natalie Portman some business during a scene and having her packing a suitcase typically padme scenes though are usually them sitting down somewhere and talking the location will vary the positions vary but usually it's just I'm sitting there talking in fact one scene even begins with them already sitting down on the couch they didn't even need to walk over to it he doesn't this lady of a job is her job to sit on couches all day and talk often times during a couch scene one person will stand up walk a few paces away and then turn around and Citizen Kane the visuals and blocking were so much more important than just telling the story about how a guy becomes a selfish a-hole it's such a rich film in its detail and execution and as almost no action scenes well except for the greatest room Trey scene and cinematic history which even Tommy Wiseau couldn't top you'll [ __ ] that will mark Charlie but Kane is primarily about the characters and it's way more interesting to watch just because of the attention to detail the direction and the framing now comparing episode three to Citizen Kane is not fair I'll agree episode three is an art it's commercial diarrhea but what irks me is just how basic and Static things were filmed they just put people in front of a green-screen said they're gonna make the background interesting later even when they're not on the green-screen the scene construction is pretty awful and boring like to see in episode 2 when Anakin is told about what happened to his mother instead of coming up with the create a visual way to get this information to us they're all just sitting at a table this is why people are bored during these movies it's like it's a [ __ ] play or something ampere rule even brings out beverages here would you like a refreshment while this guy tells you about how your mother was kidnapped and raped Wow and then check out this exciting shot the point I'm trying to make is that there is a very basic language to cinema that seems to have been totally ignored you can create an emotional connection and people will remember the movie and it'll stick with them then you got some movies you see and you don't even remember seeing it some very basic images can haunt you they can make you laugh most of the time it's a simple cinematic trick to do this placement of characters in the frame - setting the length of shot etc I don't need to reference Citizen Kane to make this point let's quickly look at a basic example from the original Star Wars trilogy they take the simple scene of expository dialogue where an outro basically just tells Vader that the Falcon is in an asteroid belt ships sighted the Millennium Falcon Lord but this is indeed an asteroid I use this opportunity to do something creative with the characters and the location we are reminded that Vader is both human and machine by showing him inside his little breathing pod and this is also the very first time that we have received Vader in a position of vulnerability this adds a lot of depth to his character that we haven't seen before the framing suggests that there's a clear separation between a normal man and what Vader has become so whether or not you know what your brain is being fed information about Darth Vader's character and you're made to feel a certain way all while we're doing the business of the plot if this were in a prequel it would have been done using two characters standing in a room against a green screen done and shot reverse shot I guess they could have put millions of asteroids flying around the window behind them later to make the frame interesting and when you got a set and actors and things to work with you could make an interesting scene at the same time that your characters talk framing blocking character placement lighting on the set camera movement it's all part of making a movie and making your audience feel a certain way about a scene when Anakin pours his heart out to Padme they're sitting on a couch when obi-wan tells proud of me he's got to go kill Anakin they're sitting on a couch when they talk about the assassination plot they're sitting on a couch sitting on a couch sitting on a couch talking in a room sitting at a booth in a diner talking and shot reverse shot sitting at a table walking somewhere walking in a room walking and talking standing and talking standing and talking in a room talking in an elevator it's usually just two characters or sometimes three characters and they're always talking and sitting but it's really hard to film a complicated scene with lots of different creative camera angle when you're just sitting in a chair with your coffee when I shoot I have two cameras a camera and B camera a camera B camera two people talking to each other in front of a green screen and it's not just the fact that every dialogue scene is a dog it's that these films have predictable and uninteresting editing to the first cut of Star Wars was an unmitigated disaster I come in on weekends and recut the film on my own and I tried to get the editor cut up my way and he didn't really want to and so I had to let the editor go it was cut in a very traditional manner of just playing things out and masters and then going into the coverage and let the actors rhythms dictate the cuts rather than having the cuts kind of drive driven of the scenes well let's just believe this for the time being we'll create this other shot that if his other shot works we'll come back to this shot so they were consequently there wasn't any excitement in the footage the way that it had been put together it's so boring psychological computer program edited the movie the pacing sucks there's no style to anything I could talk for two hours about the editing in these movies but one little thing has always stuck out to me is that there is almost always a dropped my lightsaber reaction shot sometimes it's necessary but most times not really I mean when someone stops using their lightsaber we understand they dropped it but almost every time someone loses a lightsaber we need to cut to a reaction shot of it falling like we didn't see that it happened for like we need to be told that this is important for some reason it only happens one time where we don't cut to a separate shot of it falling and it works just fine but I think it was because the action was so fast that they couldn't cut to it or they would have speaking of pigs I mean lightsabers now rich while the final lightsaber fight to end all lightsaber fights how long last forget to the part we've been waiting for the end of the movie the epic duel between obi-wan and Anakin and for some reason it had to be epic I don't know why they exchanged a bunch of awkward and pointless dialogue and finally we get to the fighting what it looks like at this point in the film they ran out of money in the budget cuz all of a sudden the visual effects no longer looks so great well it come to the end where everyone has the high ground which is just 8 feet higher than Anakin ones Anakin not to jump up at his face and try and cut him cuz Anakin's the bad guy but obi-wan forgot something that I have been doing before when someone else had the high ground or maybe Oh everyone learned from that experience and then learned that instead of standing there you should swing up at the guy when he's jumping over you that's something that Darth Maul didn't learn in his training in either case Anakin jumps over him against his arms and legs cut off and then rolls down the hill and lands in lava and gets burned up obi-wan goes home Palpatine shows up and brings in and come back to his home and that robots put Anakin together in another robot suit so that he could breathe they just take him against his will and seal them in give the guy some cream or something to put on his face I don't know now I guess he's Darth Vader and since Darth Vader technically appeared in this film for 10 seconds we could put him on cereal boxes or a candy bar is hard [Music] what is all that really happened in this ending was that Anakin shows that he's really just a murderous crazy person that needs to be in a mental hospital he even tries to choke pregnant proud of me the whole reason he turned to the dark side if I were obi-wan a dumpling would not look back on Anakin with any kind of reverence or longing for the good old days and he was a good kid I would be uncomfortable talking about him actually and filled with regret that I didn't decapitate him when I had the chance so finally we get to see Darth Vader and he's on a comical contraption the first thing the Emperor asks is if he can hear him that Vader asks about Padme where is Padme and Darth Vader should never say the word Padme or snuffleupagus and the Emperor lies and tells him that he killed her it seems in your anger you killed and what follows could be the funniest scene in cinematic history it's like everything built up to this moment and it's hysterical the lair gets angry breaks everything and he busts his way off the thing and he stumbles around and then Yoda tells Obi one that he should talk to cry gongs ghost what the [ __ ] no one ever mentioned anyone ever to ever time about talking to ghosts I'm guessing this as in there to show that obi-wan was learning the Jedi trick about how to show up after you die you spout off expository dialogue we're to join in at a celebration I guess violent murder or man also learned this trick too in the new version of Jedi it's the young Anakin ghost shows up but it's the old obi-wan wires over one after being an old ghost and Anakin gets to be a young ghost he said I was interpreted as soon as just being something that Luke could only see or perhaps it was even in his mind either way in the original version they looked the way that Luke remembered them not don't make no sense cuz Luke never saw young Anakin but you know what I'm starting to get used to this [ __ ] crap not making any sense number thirteen lack of vision of the thing at this point most people finally agree that Lucas gets too much credit for creating Star Wars he could certainly be thanked for that initial spark and the personal torment that he went through to create the first film I got nothing against the guy personally I mean I met him a couple of times we made out once but I'm just saying how I feel about these new films why is some nothing character like ig-88 way more cooler and memorable than say Dexter jettster or glue mu-2 or clack non mughal food but then anything that's not new is just borrowed from the original film and reused because of lack of originality or lack of vision like the old Jedi robe thing uncle Owen Luke and old Ben Kenobi dressed in the robes with the hoods probably because it was a desert like if Ben Kenobi was really in hiding why would he dress like a Jedi Knight uncle Owen wasn't a Jedi and you'd think of take a program or 266 into the brains of Stormtroopers then they could program into their brains what a Jedi Knight might wear or what obi-wan Kenobi might look like then he got the concepts of lightning and lightsabers Darth Vader had a lightsaber because he was a fallen Jedi Knight he made it red because he was evil I thought that was kind of cool and made him unique but then Darth Maul and Count Dooku ruined it and it became established that if you were a bad guy your name was Darth and that you had a red lightsaber they come up with something no wait no no I take it back don't come up with something new wait stop stop coming up with things that are new stop please no also the Emperor didn't speak highly about lightsabers he's lightsaber yes to him there were like toys and then the Emperor calls it a Jedi weapon Jedi weapon but for some reason now the emperor has won so that we can have another lightsaber fight anyhoo so at the end the Jedi the Emperor starts blasting Luke with electricity I interpreted this as just one of the many powerful things that the Emperor could do cuz he was so evil the lightning bolts are really just a storytelling element the Emperor probably could have just stopped Luke's heart from beating if he wanted to kill him or snap his neck with the force but he wanted to torture him he wanted to make him suffer for not turning to the dark side or gun not so much about the Lightning itself but more about the motivation of the characters in the scene Lucas rendered completely helpless and is about to die the emperor is showing what a truly horrible prick he is and Vader is filled with emotional conflict so on the next time that we see bad guys use lightning it's because they achieved level 12 Sith status tell me what's happening in this scene I don't know the guy shooting lightning at Anakin I'm really surprised actually that Yoda didn't shoot green lightning out of his fingers the new films just borrow and recycle from the original ideas as if there is no way to create anything new but you see God oh here's our I might brain someone help me help me my brain is collapsing inside itself there you are to do - as a thing to get out of this situation like they had it all planned out ahead of time for when they were going to escape Oh No somebody please make it stop [ __ ] my cat and then eat my cat and then kidnap was hooker and it'll help me but to paint away right someone do something instead of destroying the Death Star he destroys the ship that controls the robots that's the stupidest thing over overheard again it's like poetry so everything rhymes every stanza kind of rhymes with the last one hopefully the work [Music] [Music] but then the final annoying thing about this movie is how everything is tied up into a nice neat bow at the end for some reason is it lack of creativity I don't know maybe Lucas was thinking that the audience was too dumb and needed to have everything look the way that it did at the start of a new hope Yoda and obi-wan just give up and hide for 20 years which contradicts their forward-thinking proactive characters they don't even make an effort to get any information about what happened to the Galactic Senate the goodest Senate via telegram and did the Galactic Senate operate in a democratic fashion for that long with the monster in charge who was building a Death Star with no kind of revolt or objection to anything and whatever anyway here's what happens so Yoda is on Kashyyyk right surrounded by clone troopers stunt Chewbacca helps him escape by taking him to a tiny space egg hidden in the woods was that the ship that Yoda arrived on if so why did he park it so far away in the middle of nowhere wouldn't have been landed on some kind of wookie landing platform it certainly wasn't a wookie ship because it was way too small yeah whatever so you're oughta gives up obi-wan gives up and then so does Vader Vader just stands at the Emperor sign and the Star Destroyer bridge just waiting for the Death Star to be built he's not even gonna look into the whole part of me thing to her he's just gonna trust Monster Mash just got away with lying to the whole universe number 14 I'm done so I don't know if there's anything more to say about Revenge of the Sith or the other Star Wars prequels sure II could pick them all apart on the technical failings the plot inconsistencies in the lousy dialog but generally speaking they fail to connect with people and that was the main problem there felt like someone came along and sucked all the excitement and emotion out of Star Wars and then they left it in this vacuum of dull sterile boringness the original films had a richness to them they felt more real there's just so many moments and images that resonate in all of our collective memories there's just too many to list moments that we remember because we're emotionally invested in what's happening the force will be with you always no one will remember Dexter jettster and his 50s cafe or that part when let's see well the part one no no let me see let me think the the part when the part when c-3po flew around on a thing do you remember that I forgot about it already but really at its core Star Wars was about the people a vast array of characters situations and relationships and most importantly we liked those people I don't like any of these people use the phone school let go and in the end all the computers in the world can't generate the most basic thing that a movie needs an emotional connection with the audience you switched off your targeting computer what's wrong I was feeling so good about my ability that's great it's gonna be great that's gonna be great gonna be grass going again it's like poetry so if they write every stanza kind of rhymes of the last [Music] it's so dense every single image has so many things going on we've seen in depressions even fight wasn't the first time she see him pull out the lasers [Music] so that's it it is his way of actually trying to make the best possible a camera good luck everybody kick some ass let's do this in 60 days [Music] a male may look like preacher well I have seven leftovers I figured out how to put a feature wall onto a floppy disk and I'll send you the floppy disk in the mail and you can insert the floppy disk into computers floppy disk drive and then upload or download the pizza roll onto your screensaver also I'm selling some can't me I mean chicken on Craigslist please find the post and send me a message and we'll negotiate or a price [Music]

Channel: RedLetterMedia

Views: 7,112,419

Keywords: Mr. Plinkett, Star Wars, Episode 3, Revenge of the Sith, Review, Red Letter Media, Pizza Rolls, George Lucas

Id: bYWAHuFbLoc

Length: 101min 13sec (6073 seconds)

Published: Wed May 18 2016

Reddit Comments

[u/codyave]

It went from a rape pod to an escape pod.

[u/FOOK_Liquidice]

It all makes sense now...

Palpatine's behind it all!

[u/[deleted]]

Fuck I guess I have to watch this through now

[u/RedditMayne]

Premature ejection...it happens to people like Mike in their 40s...

[u/Tara_is_a_Potato]

Ah, I recall seeing this. It made me involuntarily clap my hands together upon viewing it.

[u/Master_K_Genius_Pi]

Right there. I’ve done it.

[u/[deleted]]

You saved: -0:32

[u/Mistoku]

"Have you heard the Legend of Mike Rapious, the Wide?""