Mr. Plinkett's Cop Dog Review

cop dog is one of the worst cop movies I've ever seen it's right up there with kid cop cop-out and cop cop now normally I wouldn't ever review a [ __ ] kids movie except for babies stay out but this [ __ ] movie deserves it just for sucking so much now after analyzing over 15,000 films on a suck ability index chart cop dog rated just slightly above another film with the ninety eight point zero seven suck rating it was this shot that put it over the edge to make it my next review huh I feel so dirty I think I need to go take a shower with Barbra Streisand hang loose so this movie is horrible shitty and lazy I mean even one cop and a half half faster it was still three-quarters cop wait I gotta check my mouth on that yeah I'm right that's good number one cop dog is neither a cop nor dog this movie barely qualifies as a movie that should be dignified with the title of cop dog why is that well like I said there's no cop or a dog in the movie the dogs are [ __ ] ghosts no I'm not kidding you the dog is dead so can't be a dog or cop at that point it can only be a ghost what the [ __ ] if they made a movie about when my dead wife appears at the foot of my bed in the middle of the night whispering it wouldn't be called dollar store cashier wife it'd be called [ __ ] off ghost but I digress I suppose it was a dog for a brief part of the movie and it was a police dog so he was a cop dog I guess but it's not for like five minutes of the movie or whatever so anyway cop dog is supposed to be like a kids movie I guess I mean look at the poster it's about as misleading as you can get because it looks like a single on video for babies but they later changed the poster to look like this so that the film would to be more about a cop dog and less about crap number to the plot so this film starts off like most other normal kids movies do with the trip to a graveyard Little Billy or whatever the [ __ ] his name was wants to visit his dad's dead body even though he doesn't bother to get out of the car and then the weird thing is is that he wants to go every day can we go in tomorrow for anyway the mom talks to her dead husband styrofoam the HUD stone aah but kids are loving this movie already especially little kids with the dead parent so to make this scene a little less creepy they put a photo of the dad on the headstone but it's like the worst photo ever I mean why did the filmmakers pick this what about his official police photo or something but then there's like this horribly distracting shape on the picture that looks like the symbol for the pause button what the hell is that is that a reflection some Braley's recently deceased father was a cop and his partner was of course the cop dog who was suffering from post partnered depression get it I said got it an effort to never let her son stop dwelling on the death of his father the mom now takes the boy to see the father's police dog for no reason at all now I don't know what kind of breed this dog is but it looks like some kind of mud cop dogs are usually German Shepherds unless they're tracking dogs or bloodhounds or whatever but a German Shepherd probably wouldn't care that the dad died and would probably try to rip this kids [ __ ] face off when he touched him Piketty doggy friends but for a second the movie it's a fluffy wimpy family dog [ __ ] dog solve any crimes lately solve any crimes lately what police dogs don't solve crimes you [ __ ] stupid idiot so instead of guiding her metrosexual son a haircut and slapping them across the face the mano agrees to let barely adopt Marlow the cop dog or whatever okay then yes this will do nothing but remind little Johnny everyday that his father is dead having fun yet kids anyone want to go back to the graveyard so they take Marlow home and the dog immediately starts to cause problems like well trained police dogs generally do it tears up the couch then heats the mom's shoe I need that shoe yeah what oh you you just don't need one shoe so I'm Marla fines the father's death shrine which is left illuminated 24 hours a day and we learn more about the dead father when the film becomes a horrible prozac ad we learned that the father liked cliched looking vintage crime solving books I was also some kind of childlike [ __ ] based on his handwriting at least he spelled all the words right but for the love of God who made this movie oh I mean first the [ __ ] pause button and now this looks like a six year old rodent anyway back to death and depression this is worse than Star Trek nemesis number three look how goes the bear Lee's uncle just happens to be a ghost expert and brings along photographic evidence that ghosts exist but nobody's impressed whatever idiot I'm cooking pasta as dialog provides convenient information about our spirits can be trapped on earth by ghostly chains unable to pass on after death because of immense sadness and guilt yeah but it's not like living I mean if they don't resolve whatever it is that binds them to this world a minute they're gonna forget everything sets up what is laughingly to be called our plot something about the dads death and the kid dealing with it or finding out who killed him or whatever really I thought this movie was going to be about a cop dog wait let's stop for a moment and take a look at this plague on our nation no I'm not talking about Ke$ha I'm talking about kids movies there's a lot of cheap kitty pet movies they're the biggest direct to dumpster genre right next to horror films the slap disc wrap together and put on a picture of a [ __ ] dog on the cover and then call it something like mall cop dog to get dumb parents to rent it for their dumb kids I think this film was originally called Marley and was intended to be directed by Todd salons but instead they said and the script has something to do with the dog let's just call it cop dog without realizing that the script was supposed to be a dark psychological thriller I can see why Amazon user Cathy said this heartwarming yeah right my daughter who's 10 freaked out when she saw Marlow get hit by a car and killed especially since that happened one of our tags a few years ago then the dog is a ghost and there's some sort of time limit before something bad happens now she's freaking out again afraid to love nightmares I didn't read very far into the plot synopsis so I didn't realize that that got killed had I known that I would have never rented it PG doesn't necessarily mean good sense or actually appropriate for sensitive kids [ __ ] what kind of an idiot would take the time to review a children's movie anyways you must be a real stupid [ __ ] you see there's an endless stream of his dog crap coming out of every hole possible let's look at some now there's cool dog dog gone the dog father soccer dog soccer dog European Cup firehouse dog karate dog telemarketer dog monster mutt Santa Paws dog detective Ghost Dog good boy administrative services manager dog Beethoven Beethoven second Beethoven's third Beethoven's fourth Beethoven's fifth Beethoven's big break space buddies snow buddies rusty Frank Shiba chestnut bingo and Cebu's select the retrievers my magic dog the dog who saved Christmas the dog who ruined Christmas the dog that got shot out back for ruining Christmas these movies all tend to be pretty similar and I'm now going to go through all the similarities in excruciating detail each star dumb kid usually a limp-wristed [ __ ] Hollywood actor boy with the metrosexual haircut who has a recently deceased parent and cool dog the boy's mother is dead same with firehouse dog captain phase B Orion captain Fahey that's Captain Pike they got the name wrong fighting cop dog it's the dad who's dead however in soccer yeah hey wait a minute you know what to save time I'm just gonna talk about all these movies at once ready to start least an eye on the Famicom he's gotta come oh wow what a horrible idea was to do that because I totally forgot to include karate dog in Santa Paws however despite the similarities in the details most of these movies are at the very least what their title implies take soccer dog for example soccer dog is about a dog to play soccer there's no weird Exorcist crap in it and most importantly soccer dog never gets hit by a car and dies plays [ __ ] soccer a goddamn firehouse dog takes place in a firehouse and the dog becomes a firehouse dog you got it gee I wasn't expecting that from movie called firehouse dog [ __ ] my problem with cop dog is that it's a totally misleading title the curtain is older girlfriend do all the investigating what they do is stupid it makes no sense anyways is is too much to think about when I've had drinks number four the crime the cop dog has no part in solving so core anomic plays the lead villain in this movie which now proves that eventually Parker Lewis can't lose so this guy and his buddy have been robbing homes in the neighborhood I mean he could protect us from all those burglaries and then hiding some of the valuables in this thing in the woods underground that they have a key for and then also hiding stolen things that are bigger inside the square house building that's nearby it's also right near where the dad got killed by them investigating this very same series of crimes we establish this fact by having Marlow lead us right to the scene of the crime not because Marlowe's a police dog but because they established that Marlowe has a case of the knot gaze by having a female dog appear out of nowhere for no reason you see I know it's a female dog because it has little pink ribbons on it said we wouldn't want to give the impression that Marla was a gay would we even another dog movies they still feel need to have that scene where the dog sees like a girl dog and is sexually attracted to it or something or I can't they leave the sex stuff out of a kid's movie I mean kids have up until they're 8 to start having sex leaving with those precious few years of innocence for God's sake by the way how does a dog tell what gender another dog is they all look the same to me is it when they sniff each other's booties can they smell a female dogs [ __ ] it's like when I go out to the club and I see a nice lady I don't know if she's a [ __ ] until I rip her skirt off in the alley anyway so Marlo chases after the female dog but then runs past the dog he's chasing for some reason Jesus Christ who is this dog's trainer Michael Vick did you get that joke it's because Michael Vick would often throw passes that will go well ahead of the intended receiver anyway so the wooded area where the dad was killed is within walking distance of their house and right off the bat in the movie we learned that the criminals killed the dad even taking his hat and that they hang around this area because the one guy keeps sticking his true gum all over the tree right next to their secret hiding place they also keep all the other stolen goods in a building that's nearby as well so if the real cops couldn't figure this one out then the movie needs a cop dog right that's right cop dog chased those criminals down take them into the station and have a movie oh it just got hit by a car um kid he needs like an emergency helicopter evac and the trauma surgeon not just water why are you what is it about the water he got hit by a [ __ ] car so Bobby's new friend is now dead and he has to attend yet another funeral a great idea mom maybe when you decided to adopt Marlo was the appletini talking eh this review sponsored by Applebee's proudly serving shitty food and weak alcoholic drinks to fat middle-aged moms everywhere [ __ ] anyway johnny is given a magic Jesus whistle that was Marlo's and causes him to come back to life or causes his ghost to come back and then do nothing at all the kid done teams up with some girl and they begin to investigate the dad's unsolved murder because the police have forgotten about the case typically unsolved comp mothers are low priority to a police department so the girl thinks the kid is nuts for seeing a ghost cop dog Robby and even though she hasn't yet had her first period she decides to help them anyways so this is what cop dog makes you want to punch something it's not necessarily because there is no cop or dog in the film it's because it's played out as a crime mystery movie that these intrepid little jerks try to solve but they tell us what happened in the beginning typically the audience is not told what the mystery is in a [ __ ] mystery movie there's no mystery and there's no cop dog so it's [ __ ] boring so now we got to sit through this stupid [ __ ] so I have this convoluted plan to gather up all this chewed gum from the crime scene where they saw the robber zap then they go and somehow get all the past receipts from convenience stores in the area hey um we were wondering if we could have copies of your receipts for the past couple weeks I didn't know they would do that just give out all the receipts from the past couple of weeks so just some stupid kids then they collect up the chewed gum by many different kinds of new gum available at the store figure out what gum is why and was bought where and when then they stake out the store to see who comes back at the same time to get more the same gum well who's to say this person doesn't come back ever for a totally different time or get gum at a different store or decide not to chew gum anymore or maybe decide to get new gum that he never tried before or just leave town altogether and I can't even follow this plot but in order to figure out what gum is the gum that is the gum they need to chew it and taste it for some reason this is the gist of their plan and I guess the scene is supposed to be funny or whatever see it's not so bad but it's just strange and it goes on for way too long meanwhile Marlo the cop dog looks out the window and then later is bored and falls asleep if you're going to have a cop dog than have a cop dog this isn't for dog by the way why are all these kids movies about dogs never cats cats are always the villains like the Siamese twins cats Kitty galore creepy things like the Cheshire Cat or the much bigger cats that they put in musicals you never see like a cat cop movie why why not well I guess it's because cats are [ __ ] creepy also dogs can be trained cats won't give you the time of day in fact the only sort of video you can make with them is something like jingle cats or even none they just sit there bored and looking at you look you're an idiot for putting them in a video like this but in this situation they're probably right my cat however will have the starring role in my new instructional cooking video called eating [ __ ] a guide to preparing feline meat let me show you a clip from the first video I'm working on now part 1 preparing the [ __ ] first you gotta take a cat and it's got to be alive because then it's the freshest meat then you got to shove it under the sauce [ __ ] cut it apart tricera part to meat preparation after the saw part you'll have quite the mess on your hand we just try to separate the fur and the bones from the delicious meat you must tell the doctor that like watching button don't talk to me now max my instructional cooking for the Obon talking in my ear stop it so back to cop dog the kid finds the building where the criminals all hide their stolen goods everything inside there look like it had been stolen Johnny is so lazy that he pushes his weight on the poor girl to help him stand up they lead the cops of the building but they don't really care or they don't bother to match any of the stuff inside with descriptions of items that were reported stolen looked like isn't really the kind of evidence that we can use who wants to solve a crime knock cops and this cop is so stupid that he thinks these two dudes live together inside the storage building in the woods and even if these guys are hiding stolen property they're not gonna keep it where they live it's time for the cop dog to solve this crow then the mom talks to his shirt and smells it then the robbers sneak into their house to try to get their key back to the thing in the woods when they're inside the house they steal a pizza coupon and our jar of chocolate sauce for no reason that was left out on the counter the kid realizes the criminals were in the house and also that it's the one-year anniversary of his dad's death which somehow adds a ticking clock element to the script even though it doesn't because something happens on the one-year anniversary that makes no sense like to cop dog vanishes or something hi I'm here day less than a week you have to resolve this by then Robby you have to resolve it or else Marlowe will be lost so the kid and the little girl have very little time to stop the robbers from doing something I don't even know why the robbers just gonna leave town already so okay so so the kids sneak into the house with no plan whatsoever and the dog jumps through people and then they do this pointless puppet show to pretend they're ghosts and then something happens and then the criminals are caught somehow but the real story and cop dog is about Tommy learning to let his dad go I mean I didn't mean to hurt you I just I couldn't lose you a kid dad dad me Marlo and to also let Marlo go and to eventually let his mom go after she's murdered in the Applebee's parking lot and Timmy has his Oscar moment when he says goodbye to Marlo I never had to go I always do it's just I'm gonna miss you more alone and leaves him with a very special message to carry on where you're going if you see my dad if you just tell him about Oh Marlo wait Marlo just ran away then the dad's ghost appears he turns into a spirit thing or something but all my mom can think about is I figured you'd be needing it more than me now dad trust me that boy gets into all sorts of trouble see talkin to a headstone but doesn't he know they don't talk back but the end Johnny gets a new puppy which the film implies that Marlowe is the father of because Marla wait a minute no one said anything about a puppy I love puppies puppies are great the fact that there's a puppy in this movie makes it suck a little bit less gonna have to recalculate my movie suck ability index chart okay I got to put on my reading glasses first okay got ahead in the puppy found a plus two times square root PI but just by nineteen point nine eight six multiplied typing factor a puppy added to compound equation and then people oh oh Oh I don't even know who I am anymore [ __ ] me Oh

Channel: RedLetterMedia

Views: 1,033,981

Keywords: redlettermedia, red letter media, red, letter, media, plinkett, star wars, phantom menace, review, cop dog, Dog (Domesticated Animal), Star, Reviews

Id: XlaZTPYPFEA

Length: 23min 32sec (1412 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 21 2015

Reddit Comments

[u/[deleted]]

No one cares about Plinkett reviews, when's the next Plinkett review?!

[u/Critical_Lit]

Fuck the Blip away

Fuck the Blip away

Fuck the Blip away

Fuck the Blip away

[u/Daveaa005]

They posted their cop dog review to Youtube?

Whatever, idiot -- I'm cooking pasta.

[u/postpunklioness]

Way to fake me out with a new Plinkett review, hack frauds.

[u/[deleted]]

When's the Dollar Store Cashier Wife review??

[u/jcwitte]

God damnit I love this one.

[u/STUVtheMAN]

THIS GUY THEY CALL PLINKETT'S GOT US BY THE BALLS, HIS FINGERS ARE IN OUR ASS WALLET!!! AND WE'VE BEEN TRICKED TWICE ALREADY!!!!!

[u/dsriggs]

Can't wait to see Cop Cop on BOTW

[u/firsthour]

The dog licked the girl's ear for like 15 seconds.