"Star Trek: Nemesis" is the final
nail in the proverbial space coffin. No wait it is a space coffin. And I'm not just speaking
metaphorically here. Because this whole
movie reminds me of death. But who am I kidding
what doesn't these days. At what point did the Star Trek
franchise go horribly wrong? Now I ain't saying no one
in particular is to blame. But what happened? When did Star Trek go from being a fun
space adventure the whole family could enjoy to violent dark
depressing horror movies. "Kill everything on that ship." Now I ain't saying all Star Trek didn't
have its dark elements prior to this. But it was always done
with a little bit of class. And it never really affected
the whole overall movie. I don't think I've ever
seen a movie like this. With mind rape, child slave labor, guy getting impaled on a spike and
then pulling it through his own guts, horrific scenes of death, close-ups of Marina Sirtis, disturbing diseases, people getting
sucked out into space. After the movie I felt like
going out coffin shopping. Do you remember All Good Things? The final TNG episode. What a fun adventurous way
to end such a great TV show. We see all the characters
in different time periods. Go back to the beginnings. See what happened to
everybody. It was just great. "And as Earth dies..." All Nemesis did was want to make
me stop taking my heart medicine. So let's get started talking
about this movie. Number 1. Star Trek 10:
The Wrath of Shinzon So you have to be a
total asshole not to see the obvious parallels between
Nemesis and the Wrath of Khan. And I'm not mentioning this to say
like they ripped off that plot or anything. But what they did do
was rip off that plot. All it really did was
shine a giant spotlight on how Nemesis failed to
reach that level of quality. I got a feeling on a
conversation like this took place. "Hey, we should make another
Star Trek The Next Generation film" "before they get too old, one of
them dies, or people stop caring." "Right. Right. What
should we do next?" "Well, we slapped together
the first one and it sucked." "Let's not do that again." "People like the Borg one,
right?" "That was dark and violent." "But then we slapped together
the next one and knowing like that." "So we should make
another dark and violent one." "That's right." "Yeah, we can get the
best guys to work on it." "Two people no
one ever heard of." "Hey maybe we can ripoff... I mean
pay homage to the Wrath of Khan." "Because that
was a popular one." "We'll make it about
Picard and Data." "Again, let's not
take any risks." "Hey, remember when
they took a risk on" "a weird plot about humpback
whales and traveling back in time." "Wow, that was a disaster." [MUSIC] So let's make yet another movie about revenge and a doomsday
device and violent space explosions cuz that'll be a safe bet. [MUSIC] So let's do an analysis. So we have two homosexual villains who both spent
a long period of time in an undesirable place. Eventually they both get
their own ship, a loyal crew, and the ability to escape
and continue on with their lives. However, they both give in
to their own crazy revenge. - "Fire!"
- "Fire!" Mess around with the
captains of the Enterprise and fucked themselves
over in the most horrible way. Eventually everyone ends up
in a space battle in a nebula. Where communication is disrupted as is their
ability to accurately shoot at each other. Then the second most important
character in Star Trek sacrifices himself so that a doomsday device
doesn't kill the crew of the Enterprise. There's even a scene where both captains talk to the bad guy as
a distraction while they secretly prepare an alternate attack "Open a channel." "Put it on screen." "I hope you're
still alive, Jean Luc." "Oh yes, I am." "Kahn, how do we know
you'll keep your word." "Shinzon, I don't think I ever told you
about my first academy evaluation." "Lock phasers on target
and now with my command." "Phasers lock." - "Fire."
- "Engage." "Hard to port." - "Fire."
- "We can't fire, sir." "Why can't you?" The thing was overall Wrath
of Khan was a smarter movie. It was about Kirk dealing
with changes in life. Realizing he was getting older. It was also about Kirk never having
had to face the no-win scenario. For Kirk everything usually
worked out in the end but not this time. This time Spock died. You see Kirk grew
as a character. Nemesis lacked all these
elements except for people dying. All that happens really is Picard just
discovers that if he grew up in a space mine. He'd just turned into a violent psychopath
that pulls a spike to his own guts. Gee, how uplifting. Picard then just storms
off the bridge at the end and everyone is left standing
around with this look on their faces like "This Star Trek shit's
getting too violent for me." Nemesis just basically leaves you with the
sick tired depressed feeling at the end. But couldn't they have ended
it the way the show ended. The nice game of Pinochle. Something like where you don't
feel like slitting your wife's wrists. Oh in unrelated news, Bambi killed herself in the bathtub after I
found out she was taking money out of my wallet. [SCREAM] I guess she felt
guilty about it. Number 2. Wedding Bells. Nemesis opens at
Riker and Troi's funeral. I mean wedding... wedding. By the away which is
mysteriously lacking Lwaxana Troi. Whose only mission in life was
to see her daughter get married. Now Majel might have been
sickly at that point from her leukemia. So I'll give that'll pass but I
really think the writers just forgot. "Why don't you just leave her alone? If it
weren't for you she'd be married by now." But anyways, a lot of people like to complain
about two characters who are in this scene. Worf and Wesley. "Are you all right?" "Romulan Ale should be illegal." "It is." - "A glass of Romulan ale doctor?"
- "Thank you, senator." "The trading embargo has been
officially lifted if you were wondering." Now last time we
saw a little Wesley, he had quit Starfleet and gone around
the universe with some weird guy. "Commander, how would you feel about being
named Federation ambassador to Kronos?" And Worf and been
on Deep Space Nine. And then at the end,
he got made a Klingon ambassador. Now they're suddenly back in
uniform and out the wedding. Ehhhh, it still doesn't
really annoy me. It's entirely possible that
Wesley got bored with the traveler and came to his senses. Maybe he went back to Starfleet. Same was Worf. Maybe Worf was an ambassador
for a year and then got bored. You see each movie the reason for Worf
being there gets less and less important. First he's on the Defiant
and is beamed over in battle. Then he's ummm... was at
a conference or something. Now he's just there
and don't ask why. If they don't care
I'm not gonna care. In fact it seems like no one cares about
the accuracy of these characters no more. Michael Dorn put on 50
pounds since we last saw him. Picard is happy and smiling
and completely out of character. And Marina Sirtis apparently totally
forgot how to play counselor Troi. Troi now sounds almost exactly like
Marina Sirtis sounds in interviews. "Whether you're a real bride or a make-believe
bride, you're the princess for the day." "It's tradition, Worf." "You of all people
should appreciate that." "I'm not certain of that now captain.
I do sense something unusual." "I'm proud of the
work that we all did." "I'm not certain of
that now, Captain." "Well, you're in
quite a mood today." "My father was a
Starfleet officer." Ehhh, Enough about this crap. Back to the wedding scene. Now I'll tell you what
really bothers me. It's them green
plastic drum cymbals. Why do they have to
have space cymbals? Is it to remind us that
we're in the future? Look the symbol goes
back to prehistoric times. And you're asking me to believe that all the
way from then up until the last couple of years, they started making drum
cymbals in transparent green plastic. And if any of you fuckheads
post a comment saying, It's supposed to be some kind of
semi-transparent green metal alloy that reverberates sound much
better than traditional symbols. Well then you ain't getting
sent a Pizza Roll. You got it? Because we've consistently seen, Star Trek characters playing traditional
woodwind and stringed instruments all through out Star Trek. Riker even played
a fucking trumpet. None of these instruments have been
turned into a transparent green plastic. Listen enough about the symbols. My grandkids need
their ear medicine. If you want to help
please mail cash only to: Trump Taj Mahal Casino Hotel c/o Harry S. Plnkett
Slingo Mystery Bonus Slot Machine(near the Men's Bathroom)
Atlantic City, NJ 08401 Number 3. I don't know
it's happening in the movie. Again, c-grade hack writers and producers
were put in charge of a Star Trek movie. [TAP] [TAP] [TAP] [TAP] [TAP] [TAP]...
"That's wher I want you to look." [TAP] [TAP] [TAP] [TAP] [TAP] [TAP]...
"And it's amazing." To write a story that looks
like it's a complex mystery plot. But when you break it
down nothing makes sense. I guess we're supposed to forget about the
details of what just happened in the movie by the time we get to the
drool inducing action scenes. Don't ask questions. Just keep shoving popcorn in
your faces and shelling out money. I'm gonna ask questions,
god dammit. So the real story begins
when Worf thing beeps and they scan the positronic
signature in the Kolarin system. "Captain, I am picking up an unusual
electromagnetic signature from the Kolarin system." Which is of course B-4.
Who is on a planet. It's been placed there by
Shinzon as a way to bait Picard. "The bait you couldn't refuse." First of all, It's never explained how Shinzon
found a rare Noonian Soong Android. Was it on Romulus?
Did he find it in space? Was it just a coincidence that he
found it and it was the same as Data. Who just happens to be
Picard's second officer. Hmm, that's awfully convenient. Also how did he get it to emit the positronic
signatures specifically at the Enterprise. Cuz if the Enterprise's
computers detected it, you'd think other starships
in the area would have to. There would be probably like 20
ships all arriving at Kolaris 4. They'd all be like, "Are you guys here to check
out the positronic reading too?" "How weird, so are we." "Don't forget about us too." "Hey everyone,
let's meet down on the planet." "Bring your dune
buggies and beer." Number 4. B-4 You Sunk My Starship! So everything Shinzon does to set
up his master plan makes no sense. He wanted Picard to
take B-4 home with him. He also wanted Picard himself. I guess for the blood transfusion. Although
he never did seem interested in doing it. "There is time
for the procedure." "We must begin the procedure now." So why did his initial plan put
both of those things in jeopardy? First of all why is B-4
scattered about in pieces? The only reason I can think of is to have Picard
and his friends find each piece one at a time in order to make it look like this is some
kind of complex mystery plot when it isn't. I guess maybe Shinzon found them in pieces
and didn't know how to assemble them. But why scatter em
all over the place then? Why not just leave em in a pile? Let's think about
this for a moment. What happened last time they found
an Android in pieces and assembled it? "Are you prepared for the kind
of death you learned little man?" Oh god right. Back off or I'll turn your
little man into a torch. The only person turning my little
man into a torch is my urologist. [SCREAMING] So Shinzon apparently
wanted them to assemble B-4. So that B-4 could gather tactical
information on Starfleet and lure Picard. So how did Shinzon know they wouldn't just dump the androids
into a storage bin and deal with it later. Or send it to a Starbase for
them to assemble and research. You'd think a guy who could build
a massive ship with a perfect cloak, could assemble
a plastic Android. That fat guy with
the beard did it. So why couldn't he? That would have been a little smarter to
ensure that B-4 did what he was supposed to do. So we've established that Shinzon
wanted Picard to find the Android. So why did he make it so
hard and dangerous to find. It was placed on a planet with
dangerous ion storms or something. It prevented them from
using their transporters. "I wouldn't recommend
using the transporter." "That ion storm doesn't
look very neighborly." Ok. It was also put on a planet right near a bunch of
aliens with machine guns that shoot at everything. But were those Reman's disguised as
primitive aliens with machine guns and tanks? To make it look like primitive aliens and
machine guns and tanks were shooting at them. If so why? It's really hard to tell cuz them
aliens kind of look like Remans. But I'm not sure. I don't think they were. If there weren't Remans, then why did they put B-4 on that planet
right by them aliens with machine guns. They could've killed Picard. Either thing makes no sense. I think the whole scene was there so they
could just have an action chase in a Jeep. Really, that's it. Did a fucking kindergartner
write this movie? Number 5. Picard, the Argo, and
a big fuck you to the audience. "It was the first great gift
that John Logan gave me" "when Data, and Worf, and
Picard go down to the alien world" "Picard goes along and we are given
a futuristic all-terrain vehicle to drive." It's mentioned in
the behind the scenes that Brent Spiner's friend
John Logan wrote the script. Hence the excessive
Brent Spiner screen time. "And frankly I'm enough
of a Brent Spiner fan" "that I like seeing him
play more than one person." It's also mentioned that Patrick Stewart likes
cars, and driving, and off-roading in real life. And he'd be more happy with the script if he
had a scene where he could drive a dune buggy. "I've always enjoyed driving." "I really,
really enjoy driving." "And it's something I think about and
I try to remain focused on all the time." Rick Berman doesn't care about
the Star Trek legacy anymore. And he seems like some
kind of idiot, so he didn't object. So the result is... the dumbest
sequence in Star Trek history. A dune buggy chase, really. No, really this is real. This was actually filmed
and put in a Star Trek movie. Yes, the enlightened
Captain Picard. Who loves playing flutes, drinking tea,
and reading Shakespeare. Also loves redneck off-roading. Can anything be
more out of character? So you're telling me that the
Enterprise has a support craft in which almost the
entire space inside it is devoted to housing a vehicle that's
less useful than the craft that houses it. A shuttlecraft can fly around.
It can hover, land anywhere, fly up into the air to escape
say other dune buggies. So what can the Argo do? Hold only three crew members. Provide no protection from
the elements of alien worlds. Provide no real
storage capacity. Is unable to get around mountains,
rivers, or other natural barriers. Has only one compartment in the
back that houses a giant laser cannon, only useful if you happen to get into
chasing with other land-based vehicles. Jesus, this thing reminds me
of a he-man toy or something. Now after doing some research I found out that Argo is the
trademark brand that makes ATVs. I assume they're responsible for
the design or the creation of this thing but I'm not really sure. That or it was named
after the mythical ship Argo. But that was the ship.
This is a dune buggy. I don't know. Nor
do I really care. What I do know is that the only
thing spinning faster than those tires is Gene Roddenberry
in his grave. Number 6. Picard Looses a Bet. Apparently in his Academy
days Picard had lost a bet. Then although he was used to having a
great head of hair that the ladies loved He agreed to take a smiling picture of himself
shortly after he lost the bet and shaved his head. After careful analysis of this movie
by a team from the Hair Club for Men We have come up with one of two
possible explanations of the picture. That Picard lost a bet or the
filmmakers think the audience is stupid. I'm going with the latter. I have a feeling a
conversation like this happened: "So Picard's clone
is just like him then." "No, that been done too much." "So he's younger then." "Yeah." "But he's got to be bald" "cuz if he's not bald than the audience,
even if we tell them, "still won't understand that he's Picard's
clone cuz Picard is the bald captain." "if he's not bald then no one
will understand what's happeing." "Okay, okay, he's bald." So I'm willing
to accept the fact that Shinzon probably shaved his
head to look more like the Remans. But why does young
Picard have a shaved head? We all remember what Picard
looked like when he was a cadet. He wasn't always bald. Remember that time when Picard's DNA
got reverted and he ended up like a child. He had hair. Even the young
clone Picard had hair. Additionally, when Dr. Crusher has a flashback to some time
in the past when Picard was a little younger, We see the last
remnants of his hairline. And while these examples
are technically a Q recreation, a DNA transporter accident, and a nightmare
brought on by a telepath. I still present them as evidence
that Picard had male pattern baldness. That and he has a clear crown
line on the back of his head. So then why does this photo show a cadet
Picard that looks exactly like Shinzon. The answer is: They think the
audience is stupid. If this photo
would look like this, A picture of a young
Picard as a cadet with hair. I guess we're all supposed to scratch
our thick monkey craniums and ask, "Why is Picard staring
at a picture of some guy?" Even though the following dialogue with
Dr. Crusher explains what the photo is. If the cadet didn't look exactly
like Shinzon we'd all be confused. Really? We're not that dumb. Ya know this is kind of like if they made
a film or...or even had a scene in a film that featured Abraham
Lincoln as a boy. They'd have him wearing a
stovepipe hat and a fake beard. That's how dumb the
filmmakers think we are. Enough about that. Listen, I'm almost certain I'm
gonna hit it big on this slot machine. I just need a couple
thousand more bucks. I promise I'm gonna
pay it back when I win. Please send CASH ONLY to: Trump Taj Mahal
Casino Hotel care of... Number 7. lights camera action. I think I've already established
why the TNG movies totally suck. It's because of
comments like this: "I think the audience wants the
Star Trek to be an action movie." Wrong! Wrong, you asshole! Wrong! What we want is a good story, some good dialogue,
and the characters that were on the show. Not one-dimensional action
movie recreations of them. When producers and actors start meddling
with the movie and develop the story. It always comes out
like a big Lincoln Log. Action is great but
pointless action is boring. That needs to be balanced
out with a good story. B-4 got more
brains in this story. "Why does the tall
man have a furry face?" Now I'll admit Nemesis
is a good action movie. But what is action?
Let's discuss. I'd like to reference the Next
Gen episode called Power Play. I like this one. In this episode aliens possessed Troi,
Data, and O'Brien. "We were brought to this
moon over five centuries ago" "from a star system
called Uksmal." At first they pretend to be the
ghost of an old dead Starfleet crew. But we later learn that they're prisoners
is some kind of weird alien penal colony. Why am I talking
about this episode? Because it's a good
example of action. Every action has a purpose
which propels the story. They got a
shuttlecraft accident. Get knocked down by lightning. Then they attempt
to take over the ship. They take hostages
but they got a mission. The rest of the episode is kind of like a
power struggle between them and Picard. The good guys,
they think of a plan. Try some things and then the
stakes get higher when they fail. There's even a crying
baby that's threatened. Eventually we arrive at the
exciting climax of the story and the big action
scene is... get ready. [MUSIC] It's people walking
down a hallway. [MUSIC] Yep, moving from 10-Forward to the cargo bay
is the centerpiece of the exciting ending. But to me this is a
hundred times more exciting than watching Riker
pointlessly fight with a monster. In Power Play I was interested to see
what the conclusion was going to be. What was the aliens final goal? How was Picard
gonna out witt them? Did he have a
trick up his sleave? What was gonna
happen to the hostages? These were things I cared about. People walking down a hallway
ends up being more exhilarating than a needlessly long chase sequence
with absolutely no tension or consequence or a pointless space battle. In the Wrath of Khan each
phaser hit was important and it changed the
nature of the situation. In Nemesis ships pointlessly
fire at each other for 45 minutes. Proving the point that excessive
action isn't necessarily effective action. Number 8. What's
up with Shinzon? So the Romulans cloned Captain
Picard so they could replace him. In some kind of devious plot. So then they abandon the whole
thing because it's too risky or something. But they send the little
kid to work in a mine. "They sent me there to die." Oh, they sent
him there to die. Why didn't they just gas him? Or put him in a 1982 Cadillac DeVille and
slam it into a tree at 85 miles an hour. Or slit his wrists
in the bathtub. [SCREAM] And then pay a prostitute to
write a suicide note for you. And then push her down a well
to make sure she don't no body. The point is, Romulans are on
the business of dirty business. "Why are you doing this?" Why keep him alive? Is a five-year-old really
gonna help out in the mine? He's just gonna grow up and have his
life conveniently form the background plot for a B-grade
sci-fi action movie. On that note, the Reman's and
Shinzon were all slave labor, right. They say Remans were the
lowest caste of Romulan society. "The Remans themselves are considered an
undesirable caste in the hierarchy of the Empire." Cannon fodder basically. "Cannon fodder" Hey, I just said that. So for one how did Shinzon and them escape
and have the time to build the Scimitar without having the Romulan
Empire and the Tal Shiar find them? Furthermore, how does a
kid who never went to school, and a bunch of monsters
at work in a mine have the resources or know-how to
even build a massive ship like that? With a perfect cloak. "His cloak is perfect." "From building the
Scimitar at a secret base." Oh, he built it on a secret base. Where? How? With who? I guess the Reman's
knew a lot about mining. So they probably could
have dug up the materials. But that would have been
a pretty massive operation. It would've attracted
a lot of attention. Then you'd need things like torpedoes,
some antimatter, chairs, viewscreens. You'd think even before they
laid down the first bulkhead, they'd be surrounded by a
fleet of Romulan warbirds. [SCREAM] So then for no reason, Shinzon wants
to take over as the leader of Romulans. Which at first he
attempts to do politically. But then when that fails,
he does it by force. Now he's in charge of Romulus. And all they want him to do is
to start a war with the Federation. Even though they just got done
with a costly war with the Dominion. But was Shinzon's goal just to
exterminate the population of Earth? If so then he already had the capacity
to do that without the Romulans help. "You're doing this to
liberate the Remans?" "That is the single thought
behind everything I have done." He already freed the Reman's. "And in that dark place where
there was nothing of myself," "I found my Reman brothers." "They showed me the only
true kindness I've ever known. "Kill him." I guess the director
was confused too. "The Shinzon character can't
be just a straight bad guy." "He's not... a bad guy." "Deploy the weapon." "He's not planning
to defeat Earth." "I'll always be with you now." "He's planning its annihilation." "That's the whole essence of..." "Kill everything on that ship." "The..." "As I understand..." Hey asshole, we all know
what's going on in the movie. When we know what a
bad guy wants to accomplish without changing his
mind every five minutes. I guess it creates some tension. Let's recap, Shinzon accomplished his
goal of escaping the mine and freeing the Reman's
before the movie started. After that it gets hazy. He didn't want to kill Picard. "I was merely
curious about him." But then later he does. "My life is meaningless
as long as you're still alive!" He wanted to be
the next Praetor. But he seemed irritated when he
had to do the whole Praetor thing and talk to Romulans. If you wanted to be the
leader of the Romulan Empire then you should expect
some conference calls. He needed Picard for the blood
transfusion to save his own life. But he never really
seemed interested in doing it. I guess he was always
planning to attack earth but why? "Do not forget our mission, Shinzon." You think his beef would've
been with the Romulans. "Spend 18 hours every day
under the lash of a Romulan guard" "and you'll soon
understand patience." Shinzon had a passing interest
in Troi because she had a vagina. And he probably never
did it with the chick. Eh, maybe he fucked a Reman
in the ass but he really wanted girl. Maybe Shinzon should have taken the
Scimitar over to Risa for a little vacation before the movie started. I'm sure him and the
Reman's would have fit right in. They could have played
some volleyball in the pool, had some drinks by the bar, and of course picked up
some ladies on spring break. Spring Break! Number 9. Shinzon
Reminds me of Dr. Evil. From the moment I saw Shinzon
I knew something was wrong. It reminded me
too much of Dr. Evil. "I'm going to place him in
an easily escapable situation" "involving an overly
elaborate an exotic death." "They were going to
replace you... with me." He was bald and had a big nose. "That is to have sharks with frickin
laser beams attached to their heads." He wore an evil costume
with shoulder pads. He was the head of
an evil organization. And he even had
a scar on his face. And then of course he
sounded a lot like him. "I want you to meet
daddy's nemesis." "A lifetime of
violence will do that." - "They were going to replace you with me."
- "Mini-me." [MUSIC] "Ladies and gentlemen
welcome to my moon base." "You've all been chosen to
be part of my elite moon unit." "Dr. Evil, while you were frozen
we began a program to clone you." - "Cool."
- "SEND IN THE CLONE!" "He is exactly like
you in every way." [MUSIC] - "Really? So long"
- "...about showing proper respect." "Ouch baby." Number 10. Other
Things Happen I Guess. "There's no foreseeable danger." So there's this weird planet
near the Romulan border which has suspicious
positronic signatures on it, dangerous ion storms, and an undeveloped culture of
monsters with tanks and machine guns. "There's no foreseeable danger." "This really looks
like a trap to me, sir." So we see that Captain Janeway
has been promoted to Admiral. Shouldn't she be in a prison. "Well,
I'm overriding those protocols." - "An alliance with the Borg?"
- "More like an exchange." "We offer them a way to
defeat their new enemy." "We get safe passage
through their space." "You're forgetting the temporal
prime directive, captain." "The hell with it." [PHASER FIRE] "Diplomacy, captain? Your
diplomacy destroyed my world." "For the duration of this mission
the prime directive is rescinded." "Your heart, your hands,
your eyes are the same as mine." No they're not. Picard
as an artificial heart. "Initiate the force field." "Excuse me, sir." "I have a question. What's
the point of that force field?" "Do you really think it's gonna
contain a warp core breach?" "How about you put that force field around
the tubes with the flesh melting gas." [EXPLOSION]
"Oh my god!" "You know the first thing that's
gonna happen when we get hit" - "is that force fields gonna go offline?"
- "Oh, there it goes." So if the Reman's
built the Scimitar, why didn't they design the
buttons to be a little easier to press for large monster hands
with huge fingernails. So Picard tries to activate
the self-destruct but it's offline. "Auto-destruct is offline." "Whoo. Yep, I guess we
can't blow the ship up. Oh, well." Shhh, I won't tell anyone that you could
have just fired a phaser at the warp core. Your secret is safe with me. I'm a coward too. So the Reman's were
bred for combat, eh? No one really taught em how to
aim their weapons though did they. So when monsters beam
over to the Enterprise, Picard gives Riker the order
to go ahead and stop em. Really? The first officer? Gee, don't they have a security
force that can do that kind of work. Riker should be on the bridge in case he
needs to take command in place of Picard. But I know why he went because the
script needed something for Riker to do. And when a main character is
set off to have a pointless fight with a monster to give
him something to do. You got problems.
Should have another rewrite "Somebody has to save our skins." "Into the garbage shoot flyboy." "Yahooo!" "Yahooo!" Number 11. The Ending. So haven't we seen
all this crap before. Just kind of like
slightly different. "Deploy the collector." "Deplay the weapon." - "Seperation in 2 minutes and 15 seconds."
- "4 minutes to firing sequence." So they're gonna team up with the
fleet of starships to take on Shinzon. That's good, that makes sense. But instead of telling them, "Hey guys, we'll meet halfway,
okay. Keep your eye out for us." Picard goes to them. And they plot a course
through a giant green nebula that Data apparently knows
will muffle their communications. Gee, what a great
place for an ambush. Then the fleet just sits there. - "Hey, where's Picard?"
- "I don't know." We lost contact with them after they
entered that giant green nebula. That Romulan broad
figured out where they were. And she was on Romulus. She didn't even know where
Picard was headed to either. She just found them
in the green nebula. Eh, so let's get to
a battle at the end. Even though I
didn't read the script, I got a feeling that Picard
was gonna face off with Shinzon and something was gonna blow up. At least they
didn't say times up. So let's talk about this ending. After shooting at each other for two
hours both ships are out of ammo. "We've exhausted our
complement of photon torpedoes." "Disrupters are not functional, sir." Picard rams the
Enterprise into Shinzon ship but that still doesn't stop him
from turning on its death ray. They only have enough
power to beam over one person and of course Picard goes
over for movie purposes. Let's think about
this for one second. You know part of the responsibility
of being a commander in Starfleet means that sometimes you might
have to order someone to their death. Picard really should've
sent over Worf. Given him a Bat'leth,
and some phasers, and a knife, and said "Worf kill
everything you see" "and shut down that green
thing before it kills everyone." "You're not gonna make it back but
you're gonna save the ship and the earth." See Worf loves
fighting monsters. [ROARS] And he would
love to die in battle. "To die defending one's ship
is the hope of every Klingon." Instead a 65 year old
man with arthritis goes. Picard risks is the safety of the
earth and his crew because it's... "Data, this is
something I have to do." Something he
needs to do. Now remember when Picard got his ass
handed to him by Malcolm MacDonald, right. Old short elderly man
kicked the shit out of him. So what he's gonna go
up against 26 Remans? That to me was a bonehead
move as a commander. But this is an action movie, and the main character has to
face off with the bad guy at the end. I might remind you though that in
"Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan", Kirk was never on
screen with Khan. They never felt like they had to have Kirk
beam over to the reliant to fight with Khan. And then set the
Reliant to auto-destruct. See every movie doesn't
have to be the same. So anyways let's talk
about what happened. Picard beams over. He shoots people.
They shoot back. Shinzon makes weird faces. They fight their way
up to the green thing. They fall down.
Picard loses his phaser. Data floats over.
Shinzon gets impaled. He uses like a transporter
thing to get Picard off the ship. Then he blows himself up. [YAWN] It's time for my
chicken tenders. I'll be back mmmm. mmmm. "Absent friends."
[CLINKS] "To absent friends!" So what happened to all
of our beloved characters? Well Picard stayed
on as captain. Data is dead of course Riker took command of the
Titan and brought Troi with them. Then they both died in
a transporter accident. [SCREAMS] Beverly Crusher
committed suicide. Worf became a spokesperson
for Weight Watchers. Oh wait no. He became
a Klingon governor. Geordi LaForge became
an old man or something. Oh wait that timeline
didn't happen No, Geordi LaForge became
the captain of the USS Challenger. "This is Captain LaForge
of the starship Challenger." And then... Oh, wait no... that
timeline didn't happen either. Wait, none of this happened. [MUSIC] Email me if you
want a Pizza Roll. Post a comment on this
webpage if you want a Pizza Roll. [MUSIC]
