Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker: An Unbridled Rage

what was your reaction to the end of the movie but don't use words okay I'm gonna count to it three two one [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] it's actually so much worse than that let's begin never has the Lucasfilm logo been more cursed than in this wretched sack of lies though has expected we open with the title crawl the dead speak I what we've the first three words really it gets even better with the translation on the cam copy deaths are speaking oh my goodness anyway the galaxy has heard a mysterious broadcast a threat of revenge in the sinister voice of the late Emperor Palpatine yep Palpatine is alive and he's sending his voice out into the galaxy for what I am sure is a very good reason general Leia Organa dispatches secret agents to gather intelligence okay just your run-of-the-mill intelligence I assume intelligence the most sophisticated computer in the world while Rey the last hope of the Jedi trains for battle against the diabolical first order trains she trains now I'll have to see it to believe oh my God look at a girl meanwhile supreme leader kylo Ren rages in search of the Phantom Emperor determined to destroy any threat to his power though I will say the translation seems to be more accurate kylo Ren is angry yeah that's about right I wonder if this film will have kylo straddle the line between the light and the dark and maybe he'll have to commit to a choice at some point that would be a big change so what a great start good old sheave is alive and plotting Rey is gaining more power and kylo is the boss of the de facto Empire we begin with following kylo to some red and white aesthetic planet I've been told it's Mustafar but you know it's hard to tell these things and I think a lot of viewers have some PTSD in relation to red and white planets at this point we discover that kylo is murdering everybody in order to collect a MacGuffin number one villager just says whoa I like that she hears a McMuffin oh sorry McMuffin number one the McMuffin gives him direct references to the location of mr. Palpatine and so you may be asking why would kylo need the McMuffin you get there once he finds out what planet it's on from the McMuffin well Jeeves Planet X Eagle is essentially clouded in space cancer and this space cancer is so dangerous kylo Cingular ty interceptor can just narrowly make it through with a McMuffin plugged directly into his navigation though this becomes pretty irrelevant as when he arrives it clearly shows that the space cancer only represents one specific direction of approach to the planet so like couldn't anyone get here at any time from many directions as long as they know where the planet is I mean [ __ ] couldn't someone have found this by accident at this point why would they need a McMuffin once they see the space cancer just go around it you don't beat wet also I guess she really did survive episode 6 he's just a little worse for wear with white eyes and Tizen fingers but it is him Congrats dude I thought you were dead for sure in Lucas's mind Palpatine was absolutely dead after Return of the Jedi who else illy George don't you know that subjective [Music] unfortunately this [ __ ] with pretty much everything in Star Wars but I suppose we can explore that a little bit later at this point in the movie they cranked the lighting and sounds to a degree that epilepsy warnings had to be handed out they commit to this for so long that I legit couldn't [ __ ] focus on the people in the scene it's to support the creepy factor but holy hell calm down as kylo moves through we see a whole bunch of test tubes with containers that um I can't believe I'm about to say this this is real this this is a thing okay and I'm not I'm not lying to you okay as kylo moves through we see a whole bunch of test tubes and containers with botched Snoke clones I say again botched Snoke clones literally attempts at creating Supreme Leader Snoke s' implying that Emperor Palpatine can just create from scratch a hyper powerful force user from his [ __ ] bedroom in an instant Snoke has been around since before Luke had tried to murder kylo in his sleep so yeah cream Eve has been busy I mean somehow he could have made an entire army of scrotum faced hyper powerful Andy Serkis CGI [ __ ] by now he hasn't but you know precedent is there no longer does it take a lifetime of training and struggle to become the most powerful force user in the galaxy you can just poop one out of a test tube and drop him into the leading seat of the mightiest Empire clone that ever existed just like that but yeah apparently Snoke was his own dude who trained kylo well but ultimately he was created by Palpatine he's like a meat puppet maybe so like why did he even exist if it was all Palpatine anyway why not just be on the throne yourself like you already were for so long did nobody in this universe wonder where Snoke came from and if you're just gonna take over for him as soon as he dies why would you just there to begin with like I know we wondered where he came from he turned up out of nowhere and what for the people of this universe they just accepted that seriously I always thought that we just didn't know things that they did but they know as much as us was this always the plan to total surprise when about a year ago just said we're we're thinking of bringing back the Emperor how do you feel okay then what was the interaction of Snoke Luke Han and Leia did they all think that he was this real-ass guy apparently Vader's voice was faked by Palpatine as well as possibly snoke's voice in the head of kylo or [ __ ] claims as such different voice you have ever inside which is pretty awkward isn't it first we have to acknowledge that Vader just abandoned his family as a force ghost and when his grandson was being told that he should follow the dark side by a fake Vader voice Anakin just let that happen not to mention that kylos whole [ __ ] motivation was to what was it again I'll finish what you started [Music] so wouldn't finding out that the voice you've been following for years is fake shatter your entire worldview maybe it puts into question every last action you've ever taken well no not really he still absolutely intends to rule the galaxy as a darkside users so I'm going to take this opportunity to say that for the last year and a half a podcast I run with rags had a bet going with the guests the bet was to choose who you thought would be the most inconsistent character in the rise of Skywalker in reference to their past appearances now every character was on the table except Palpatine because we didn't actually know he was gonna be in the film before making this bet and I think a lot of people would have chosen him so you know it wouldn't be fair I think there's reason to assume that he wasn't going to be in this film but someone else was disqualified and that's kylo [ __ ] Ren because my god this character is so utterly inconsistent that he's become the personification of tangled up Christmas tree lights drenched in yogurt and acid I'm not even gonna pretend that he has some semblance of a through-line in these films be good be bad I don't give a [ __ ] anymore just commit you greased weasel kylo threatens to kill Palpatine and Palpatine responds you died before I don't think death means what you think it means and even if you're like a dead ghost thing inhabiting your own corpse how does your body survive exploding twice [Music] well he provides us an explanation he repeats the line we've all heard from episode three dark side of the force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural and that's it that's it for the whole [ __ ] movie he just says he's alive despite having died because of the dark side thank goodness were able to bring back old enemies arbitrarily what in the world would we have done for steaks otherwise imagine they had to create a new enemy one that could bind the old and the new one that could have been pulling strings in the background from as early as a new hope one that could have had a close relationship with the character whose soul is being torn in two ways and one that isn't motivated entirely by power well [ __ ] it let's kill that guy and make him a test-tube baby created by the guy who died twice thirty years ago the absolute state of Lucasfilm just what the kylo is instructed to kill ray and become the ultimate power in the universe the manner in which pal P can make this happen is by combining his forces with the first order to create the final order remember order 66 remember the prequels because that's the point to which Disney has sunk this franchise they now desperately cling at the chance to be anywhere near as good as the prequels holy [ __ ] regardless this is the final order implying that he had this [ __ ] planned for ages and it's his endgame I wonder if there will be any comparisons to that movie in this one so Palpatine is referring to about a thousand Star Destroyers in terms of his forces not sure how he managed to get thousands of Star Destroyers made much less ones individually equipped with the ability to destroy planets seems kind of impossible on what's a desolate lightening ridden wasteland oh and during the delivery of this information the Emperor lifts all of his star destroyers out of the [ __ ] floor of ex ago with the big gay apparently these things were built below the ground and he just plowed them through his own planet to raise them up and they come fully stocked with every crew member that an enormous spacecraft would require what fresh hell is this why would you not have these things built on the surface prepped for liftoff the whole point of this place is that no one can reach it without a muffin and the first person to ultimately get here that doesn't work for Palpatine was shown them immediately they do not need to be hidden it also can't be to do with the harsh weather since they will run through the [ __ ] ground and they sit in the sky for the whole movie I don't think mr. sheave cares about their structural integrity so why would they be embedded in the floor and have people in them unless this planet is Hollow and there's a whole bunch of scaffolding and workstations below I really doubt it but let's go with that what about the integrity of the entire area what stops your weird science room from being buried there's a good reason why contractors exist you dick wrap it omelet and I'm sorry but what's gonna be the damage on these Star Destroyers because you know I'm a pretty weird dude so take this with a grain of salt but when you have your maiden voyage for a brand new ship I don't think it's good practice to plant it into the [ __ ] ground none of it makes any sense but it sure does look cool must be a JJ Abrams film anyway we flip over to Finn and Poe who are meeting with an informant that wants to provide them some info from a spy in the first order they managed to transfer the info to r2d2 and make a daring escape before it's too late this is on the ice comet by the way the glorious visual from the trailer now you might have been giving yourself the old question here of hang on what the [ __ ] is happening who was the informant who's the spy how did the first-order just find these guys so easily no we're not getting any information on that we've jumped a nebulous amount of time into the future and they're just in this situation it's a perfect setup for some action stop complaining stop asking questions I want to highlight as well that this creature tells them to win the war thanks to this information he's provided when it essentially amounts to confirmation that EXA call exists Palpatine is alive and he has a Star Destroyer fleet in the thousands because yeah they were already losing but now I'm sure this will turn the tide in their favor and actually aren't they [ __ ] how can they possibly escape the first order contract people through hyperspace and they've been found so it's too late right but then again it's a Star Destroyer that's required for that like you need a big structure and a power source or whatever like a breaker so it's it's not like Tie Fighters can do it well that's where you're wrong kiddo twice in fact Tie Fighters can now track through hyperspace to the point of it being instant almost like their travel with the person they are chasing but that's not an issue because there's a new invention in this world it's called Lightspeed skipping and Lightspeed skipping is essentially hyperspace jumping instantly several times in a row this is how PO can lose anyone who's tracking him now I didn't know that was possible nobody [ __ ] did in fact I'm pretty sure there is a very blatant line in the original trilogy that is designed to tell us that they shouldn't because it's a really quick way to die but this is a kind of no choice situation since ryan has locked JJ in with hyperspace tracking then again it was JJ's choice to have them being chased in the opening five minutes so what do I know I think it's relevant to say that it gives JJ an excuse to take us to a whole bunch of crazy places quickly he loves his visuals that JJ but it doesn't make a lot of sense does it first of all if the coordinates are random then he should be hitting the dead of space pretty much every single time considering the ratio of things vs. not things out there which means he would never have lost the TIE fighters however if these were places he actually knew about and was heading to then he was way beyond lucky to be alive he seems to appear in these places with no idea of exactly where he's gonna land do you understand how lucky he is to have landed in each of these wills with a thousand obstacles each and not hit any of them he should have been turned into whole dough soup and that leads us to the third and final location that has a random space Cthulhu worm that technically saves their lives by stopping the remaining Thai fighters that for some reason blunder ously fly into it was this intended from Poe does he know when the web moves around or was all of this just extremely lucky and how is it that he jumps almost instantly are these worlds that close together do you guys remember how long it took to get from Tatooine to Alderaan I guess none of it matters it's just stupid space stuff besides Ryan kind of ignored his own rules with the hyperspace tracker at the end of the last Jedi anyway so who really cares Finn seems to be vehement Lee against the whole idea by the way which is interesting since it's the only option they have to save their lives though Poe admits that yes this is the best they have because ray isn't on this mission just looking to clarify here ray is now better than poet piloting and he to lament the fact that she isn't there to save them in a more effective manner when it comes to piloting what can she do that wouldn't be Lightspeed skipping and would save you from the first order exactly and I mean [ __ ] piloting is like Poe's only thing but I guess he sucks at it compared to Ray because everyone sucks at everything when compared to Ray and hey if your neck hadn't already broken from the different locales characters and tones we suddenly cut to Ray she's being trained by Leia who knows how to train a Jedi now okay ray is meditating in midair while moving a whole bunch of rocks because this [ __ ] was boring I guess we gotta crank it up JJ style more rocks consistent levitation this is Ray [ __ ] she even floats down with a sigh of frustration as if the whole flying part is easy I guess Palpatine should have looked into that the problem is that she can't get them to be with her apparently she's trying to hear the voices of all the past Jedi through the gay that's just something she can meditate toward I guess regardless lair is here and she gives ray Anakin's lightsaber it's been repaired rip tlj we see a lot of running jumping and oh look the Droid that Luke used only this is Ray so we gotta crank it up she's not just blind she's not just taking many shots at once she's balancing on a thin log over a chasm [ __ ] yeah you go girl wait why does this person need training at the end of this little segment ray drops a tree on bb-8 and she's like oh no sorry and begins to push the log off which what are you doing you can literally do this just pull it off in with your God powers you irritable numpty just before Finn and Poe returned Rey is having a look-see at those sacred Jedi acts and she happens to see a page all about McMuffins yep that's what she happens to see you right before the plot kicks in with a need for McMuffins I'm sure it has absolutely no relevance as Finn and Poe get off the Falcon they meet up with Rey and we get some instant chemistry just add years of off-screen history they have this weird thing invented out of nowhere that Poe and Rey do not like each other because they have different approaches to everything it's a conflict that's presented developed and then dropped which is actually applicable to a bunch of things in this right PO is angry at Rey for not helping them as well as damaging bb-8 and Rey is mad at poe for damaging the Falcon you know damaging it while he saved his own life the lives of Chewie and fin and he secured the information because Poe's just not allowed to do things right in this saga fit even backs it up by saying that poe is always in a bad mood since when wasn't he always the fun-loving one to the test first hito first I took first fishing to jump in the next wing and blow something up hard to understand you search him I guess he got fun surgically removed during tlj like the rest of the characters go away anyway ray and finners chummy as ever they all speak as a group and the film tries it's best to pretend that they've been together for ages ray says the compressor is down and the SPO can't Lightspeed skip but then he says that he can and he did so yeah then the Falcon is fixed in about 10 minutes for the next adventure so who [ __ ] cares the conversation gets heated when Poe says that it's essentially stupid of Ray to be training to talk to past Jedi when she is the best fighter they have and they need her help to win this war she has no response to that because there is no [ __ ] response to that other than saying yeah she really shouldn't be training see I figured she would know she's the best with everything she's done and she would be helping them but she just stands there and asks about the spy there's so much to say about this interaction from a writing perspective hell I'm sure someone will do it at some point but this story really wants us to accept these folks as friends with an unbreakable bond along with values that conflict despite two of them sharing less than one minute of screen time it's so rushed speaking of which with the intelligence retrieved from the spy the resistance confirm that Palpatine is back and they all shudder gasp of course several members try to reconcile this impossibility and a Hobbit gets involved Mary suggests that it's dark science cloning and the like [Music] he describes cloning technology as secrets only the Sith knew despite there being a galactic war half of which was fought by clones but na law it's a Sith secret po goes on to say that Pal P is building the largest fleet the galaxy has ever known and it's going to attack all three worlds in 16 hours which is interesting for many reasons first if that's all you had to say in the message then why did you need this [ __ ] off transfer you could literally have shouted it to these guys or chucked them a USB with a notepad file on it would have been a hell of a lot faster than this [ __ ] for some reason to transfer like a sentence of information it takes like a minute to put it through a big floppy wire into r2d2 you can just set it to him literally like this is your r2 is a 4.1 USB connection right because that's what guy and I've got to find an adapter if he's not that thing we should have the wire is so massive as well he's alive he has a fleet of ships on this planet whatever it's cold and he's gonna attack in so many days that's that's the whole message right there I said it right spagett of written on a piece of paper excited to rock and flung it in there but in regards to the information I don't even know what free worlds are at this point did the first order take over everything or not are they going to destroy every single free-willed really they aren't going to capture them control them if this is the plan then shouldn't the free worlds be mobilizing their own attack isn't this something that the good guys should look into whether or not they have a plot to find a bunch of McMuffins and hang on wasn't Palpatine interested in having an empire not pieces of planets floating around the galaxy wasn't there actually a point to the Empire beyond killing people destroying Alderaan was a message to the rebellion this just seems to be a desire to destroy many free wills with strong resources for no other reason than be evil empire improves every system it touches safety prosperity trade opportunity peace loll no evil is on the way folks and its origin is exha goal we now have the stakes of Return of the Jedi but we're JJ's so we gotta crank it up and all of this was poofed into existence between movies because Ryan left JJ was [ __ ] nothing at the end of T LJ unfortunately however X a goal isn't on any star charts which leaves them no choice but to die we tried folks see you next time Empire wins unless someone has information on how to get to X ago like maybe a person who just read a passage in a book about it about McMuffins on an unrelated note ray talks to Leia about Luke apparently having searched facts a goal for a long time he nearly found McMuffin 3 but failed and put his notes into the sacred act for some reason he did that and then he went into exile I guess though Luke did discover somehow that you need a McMuffin to get to X ago and Luke's trail of 1 went cold in a desert somewhere and so that's where they're going to find one just just go into a desert no just an entire planetary desert ok then yeah that's a good enough lead that let's go for clarification though because you guys might not be following they want to stop the emperor's new fleet but they can't even get to it they have accepted this information as true without any confirmation because a spy in the first order told them a spy that's assumedly only been active since the events of tlj it's not like luring all of the top players of the resistance to a desert planet sounds like a trap nor does it sound like a trap to lure all of the resistance ships to one very rocky planet but ok let's trust the information the plan is this in order to get to the Emperor's fleet the book says they will need a McMuffin specifically McMuffin - because kylo has McMuffin one and there are only two McMuffins that can get a person to EXCI goal for some reason but in order to get the location to McMuffin - they will need McMuffin 3 and McMuffin 3 is apparently in this desert this is a very intelligent plan before they leave Finn makes sure to ask an old friend along shrek is back but since we're looking to repair the errors of the last Jedi in this film JJ opts to have shrek spend the story pointing at consoles and scanning things if I'm being specific however shrek says that the resistance are scanning old Star Destroyers in order to exploit weaknesses I wonder if that throwaway line will be relevant later but the important part is shrek is not coming roses like da hub it's such a move and so the adventure begins and the Falcon takes off with ease having been made lighter by the warranted removal of shrek you shall be missed by tlj fans we see our cast of characters our wonderful team happily celebrating the path they've set out upon together for the first time in this trilogy [ __ ] hell back to kylo and we see him literally repairing the damage that Rian Johnson dealt I have nothing else to say about that when I got this job I was I was just really excited to get to work without him one of the first things I thought was well we got to figure out the way to get that mask out of the way and I thought well it seems actually really natural that the idea that you know Stokes reaction to the mask is to kind of ridicule it and suddenly turn it into this symbol of his of his immaturity he's hiding behind this mask that that seems to make sense to me I love that the scene exists it fuels the hilarity of Lucasfilm and their rancid approach to what humanity used to describe a storytelling while shattering the putrid dreams of one maniac and his goal to sabotage Star Wars only to hand it off to a person that's looking to torpedo the series regardless though I think I should point out that kylo must have collected the pieces of his mask after having left it at a random elevator even after the supremacy was bifurcated he wanted it that much and he apparently picked up all of the pieces good work kylo he then walks down a corridor with the Knights of Ren what's that gentle viewer you don't know what a night of Ren is nor do you know how I managed to recognize them well we got some helpful exposition all about it they wrote that they filmed that they left that in the edit just Wow reminds me of something actually kylo establishes that there is a spy in the midst of the first order but that spy won't be able to do anything of note because they are sure to win regardless how very interesting I wonder if this spy is just an excuse for our heroes to be put on the plot in the opening and to be saved when they desperately need it later I wonder if there will be any exploration on how such a spy came to be or what his character entails anyway kylo says that they are soon to have the fleet from Mexico and nothing will stop them only for some guy to say that the ex ago people sound kind of like a cult of soothsayers why would you say that your boss is the only person who's been there and he saw a literal [ __ ] armada of Star Destroyers that they're willing to give to you who cares if their soothsayers general pride points that very information out and then the guy says well what are they asking for in return which you know what okay that's a fair question I guess let's explore that okay then kylo is throwing another temper tantrum and he strangled the guy so hard that he slapped him into the ceiling why why are you so angry for no reason all the time you querulous come in and amongst the chatter they say this Armada will make up for the failure of Starkiller base while looking at Huck's even though it was Captain phasma that allowed the shield's to go down and kylo who failed several times all over the movie including letting the droids slip out of the first orders fingers Hux literally couldn't have done anything about it when they arrived at Starkiller base if it isn't already clear they want you to understand the reasoning behind Huck's being the double agent you see it explains his consistent fuck-ups and I suppose the fact that everyone thinks he's useless and he commands no respect is having an effect there are then comments about taking more young from different areas of the galaxy this is on top of kylo saying they will crush any wills that defy them which means at this point just with this couple of sentences there is more will building than the last Jedi excellent still makes no [ __ ] sense though our heroes then arrive at not Tatooine or sorry not jakku I guess it's a new one altogether they use the specific coordinates that Luke went cold on to reach a desert the plan is to literally just sort of look around I guess this is a plot upon arriving they find that searching the desert is going to be tough considering there is a festival going on even though if that wasn't there you would still have to search a [ __ ] desert that is obviously unlucky but this festival is pretty common c-3po informs us that it takes place one spare 42 years why in the world do you write this way you absolute skunk fume but mahler it references the release of a new hope that is an explanation that is not an excuse as they approach the vast vast desert Poe explains that there's always first order patrols in these areas so you do have to be careful why would a first order patrol be here what reason would they have to be in a festival on a distant planet what I did what I'm sure it won't be relevant lucky for our heroes several wide shots show us that there's no first order in sight they will be fine as they move through this celebration looking for McMuffin 3po suggests talking to the locals as if I did I can't believe this is the plot let's go talk to the locals about McMuffin number three that Luke Skywalker couldn't find that's in this desert somewhere what a [ __ ] plan either way a Randy spots ray and gives her a necklace while asking for her family name and she stops thinking about how each movie in the sequel trilogy can't make its [ __ ] mind up on this subject but before she can give a more detailed answer kylo gives her a Skype call does it hurt they discussed the idea that kylo is closer to the light now and that Rey is closer to the dark while threatening to kill her on top of it you know the bog-standard dialogue between these two walking infections but then kylo grabs Rey's necklace and pulls it through the universe to his ship no I'm not kidding that happens we had water in tlj then we had the inviscid ice and now you can just full-on teleport objects through the universe are you aware of the applications for this what exactly are the limits can you pull her through can you pull her weapons through her clothing her friends can she pull you through and just have everyone dogpile you what is this stupid fight because kylo took the necklace Ray immediately concludes that the first order will arrive on this planet in moments and warns her friends before you can even think about that the necklace is analyzed and the specific planet is identified pushing kylo Ren to our heroes immediately and then before we can recover from that they are fleeing from the thought of being captured and a random stormtrooper is just standing here but before you can think about that the trooper is shot in the [ __ ] eye by an arrow from Lando [ __ ] Calrissian what I guess it's good to be back folks what the [ __ ] first of all how in the holy held is this random necklace design definitively mean that personna is the planet that they are on what if this was something ray got ages ago what if people who visit personna take these things to other places is this really enough to go on I love the idea that we have a scene with kylo intending to find Rey and he had absolutely no leads and then he just tall one off her neck also you might be wondering where on this planet would kylo know to search well that's because they bump into a random [ __ ] storm trooper who was just chillin there as poem n shinned in a throwaway line earlier [ __ ] sake what are the odds that they would bump into that guy at that very moment hang on does bumping into him kind of mean that the necklace didn't matter anyway you could have just said that the first order were alerted by these guys can you please keep track of your own movie how is it that kylo can get here so [ __ ] fast yes hyperspace is a thing but it's not like teleporting it still takes time even the force awakens recognizes that secondly assuming the necklace really did matter what are the [ __ ] odds that a random villager decided to put it on one of our heroes and out of the whole selection it just happened to be the one that has random Skype calls with the only guy in the [ __ ] universe that is both looking for them and has the ability to teleport items away from a person Wow thirdly how in the [ __ ] is Lando here of all the coincidences ever he's on the planet they need to go to in this plot he also happened to be in the right spot at the right time to save their lives you [ __ ] kidding me like the idea that he not only is in this right area he noticed them in general he had a weapon on him and murder is apparently cool in this culture because there's a wide shot soon after and everyone's just dancing around there is a guy who is lying dead on the floor with his eyeball slung out the back of his head and these people don't give a [ __ ] everything is so beyond lucky or is it Lando explains that Leia sent him a transmission that our heroes are on the way Lando sought Chewie and he was here previously with Luke searching for McMuffin 3 which explains why he was still on this planet we did it guys it all makes sense except it doesn't you've explained why Lando would look for them in this general festival and that he got extremely lucky and spotting Chewie considering the size of this celebration lucky like where's bloody Waldo levels of lucky you've also explained why he would have been here at some point ages ago but not why he's here now like did you just chill on this planet what about best bin you know the people you betrayed the rebellion for and why the [ __ ] didn't Leia tell our heroes about meeting Lando before they left why wouldn't he be the contact to meet on this planet that would make the most sense and save time but I guess JJ wanted to give us the shock reveal as per usual Lando explains that there are only two McMuffins that can get you to ex ago those being McMuffin one and two this planet has McMuffin three and that can lead you to McMuffin too but to get to number three you will need to get to Archie's ship it's parked over a hill somewhere somehow it hasn't been torn for parts or stolen it's just been sitting there for decades even though you can fly it with some tinkering okay also we're cooling Archie youichi Darth Chi I'm not respecting that character any more than Lucasfilm respects Star Wars so kylo Ren arrives and our heroes have to steal some speeders to evade the incoming troopers Poe Hotwire's one and Finn asks how he would know how to do that that's an interesting question you could apply so very liberally in this trilogy but here not so much he is the greatest pilot in the resistance or he was anyway why would he not know how to hotwire a speeder seems like something he could know but my mistake is not realizing that they're going to reveal some shocking history for Poe soon enough and this is the setup stay tuned folks the first order then send some troopers after our heroes and they begin to fly while chasing them my goodness I've never seen a jetpack before in this movie saga I'm sure none of them have ever seen something so unique before why wouldn't they just open with the jet packs if they're that fast it would save you a bunch of time and you're a harder target to hit and you aren't limited to a [ __ ] treaded speeder wait why are they treaded speeders as expected we get some action-packed chasing and shooting rain ailing the driving and aiming and the wonderful visuals just spill onto the screen though bb-8 happens to tap a canister and it blows up exactly as one would need it in order to [ __ ] up a trooper would have been funny if it just exploded on their speeder but hey I'm not a droid what do I know in addition Finn throws a rope with a hook on it or something and it gets tangled up in the treads of one of the troopers speeders leaving him to be blown up by a swimming PO makes for a neat action moment I guess but can someone explain why the speed is even have treads when this is the affluent first order that's riding them they are chasing people who do not use that technology how is this happening not to mention these ships apparently have shields to block laser blast but they can't bounce a rope with a hook off themselves just don't think about it eventually both of our heroes ships are blown up like one trooper just shoots the back of both of them and they all fall out of course the ships are in pieces but our team of goodies are absolutely fine because luck I guess they even managed to take several shots before finally blowing up the remaining trooper and then they promptly sink into the quicksand like the sand does nothing to them until the drama is over they're just lying on it and it does nothing until the storm trooper [ __ ] hell so they all panic as they are slowly engulfed by the sand and Ray doesn't use the gay whatsoever remember how she can float herself with ease we even see her literally move the soil at will in this very movie way later but here there's a general acceptance that she and her friends are just dead now how unfortunate that she forgot everything I hope this all works out though and I hope that it turns out falling into the quicksand is somehow exactly what they needed to do next up it turns out that falling into the quicksand was exactly what they needed to do and they discover mcmuffin number 3 it's just lying down there in a bunch of tunnels next to the corpse of Darth Chi hang on how the [ __ ] is quicksand being suspended above a series of caves how does the quicksand not go into the caves is it [ __ ] magic sand how did Luke and Lando not think to check the mysterious black quicksand just outside of Darth cheese ship when the trail went cold how didn't luke sense the evil Sith knife this was apparently their only lead to finding ex ago and they just gave up his [ __ ] ship was right there what more proof do you need to search the area also how did da Fucci die like he's a Jedi assassin right surely he's gotta have some survival instincts but they just find his bones laid out on the ground I guess he sort of gave up and the worm decided not to eat him okay so McMuffin 3 is a knife that has inscribed upon it the details of where to find McMuffin to which means our heroes can now escape and find EXA goal maybe only why in the world would the McMuffin that leads to the McMuffin that leads to the secret world be placed on a knife not a ceremonial knife mind you this dead-ass was his weapon used to kill people why don't you put on your knife and not a map you clod why would a guy who goes in and out of EXO gon need a knife with the instructions on how to find a guide 2x ago wouldn't it make more sense to hide that thing on X ago and if he needed it then wouldn't you've just had the McMuffin it leads to like isn't it better to have that than a knife that leads to that like no is because he says the other one is sitting in a room that opens automatically in the [ __ ] Death Star ruins it's not safe from scavengers that's actually proven do you leave these things there in case people want to find X ago but then anybody that Palpatine wants to get to X ago wouldn't you just send people out there to go collect them why would you leave two maps out there that someone could stumble upon randomly and look how clunky this [ __ ] knife is shad do a review of this dagger please we need it either way c-3po explains that he knows exactly what's on the knife but he can't read it out because he's not allowed to translate it to anyone else it's then handed over to c-3po who identifies the writing as a SIF language but reveals he's unable to translate the YT and due to restrictions in his programming what okay well I'm not allowed to tell me what this to clarify the issue isn't that he can't read it it's that he can't translate it into any other language and thus he cannot tell anyone else about the information so like why not have c-3po point on to a star map or whatever we know it turns out to be a place in the end or system so just do that all he can't do is turn the directions into any other language so this seems like an easy way to get around that but before they can decide on what to do next they are attacked by a sandworm or well not really they have a standoff and the whim just sort of looks at them for a while no idea why ray then notices that it's wounded and she just decides to heal it with the big guy how does she know that's possible how does she know how to do it how is this something that Anakin failed to do fish me how is this something obi-wan failed to do for qui-gon or Anakin as he arrived in pain how is it something that Luke failed to do for Anakin well maybe it doesn't quite work on humans eh maybe you can't just arbitrarily heal a fatal lightsaber stab maybe you can't heal someone from death to life because if you could it might just [ __ ] up everything upon being healed the worm [ __ ] off and by doing so accidentally knocks a bunch of rocks over and opens a pathway it's kind of like a video game how wonderfully convenient ray seems to be absolutely fine from the exchange nobody questions what just happened outside of bb-8 because apparently this is totally normal and ray explains it's all cool okay not like it should radically change your position in the resistance and in this world but yeah it's fine Chewie pockets Darth of cheese knife and they all head back to the ship to escape but Rey senses kylo and just walks away they are about to be captured they have the key to victory they have a wicking ship some [ __ ] hell and she just walks the [ __ ] away none of them stop her either she just says there's fine she wanders off the Knights of Ren are right there you have no time what is it that you plan to do assuming that kylo Ren does show up do you understand that you're currently fleeing the first order just get back to the [ __ ] ship you diuretic Thunder Wally what the hell is going she walks so far away that Chewie is sent to go and get her and in the process of doing so he is captured by the Knights of Ren yeah that just that happens look at this shot this is where she is in reference to the ship Chewie is captured on his way from the ship to here and neither Poe nor Rey no bb-8 nor finn noticed this there is no gunfire and no shouting he's even dragged off around the corner to make it sort of look like it somehow works out logistically but no one could believe that this is how everybody would be moving about and it gets worse the ship is ready to go only kylo Ren tries to run Rey over with his interceptor first of all his goal has explicitly been to turn Rey to the dark side so what the [ __ ] is he doing by trying to kill her there's a pretty big difference between trying to push someone and running them the [ __ ] over and if he really is trying to kill her then why not use the lasers you donkey but if he isn't and this is just for the memes then what would he have done if she just got splattered on the windscreen gotta go find someone else to be in the diad I suppose meanwhile Chewie is placed into a transport ready to be taken to a command ship and Finn tries to go after him Rey jumps and segments Ren's ship to the point that he crashes at like 50 miles per hour while rolling in the sand ending with an explosion don't worry he's fine that degree of g-force and an explosion can't do [ __ ] to kylo Ren not while the plot protects him anyway but I want to move away from that stupid because it's about to be dwarfed by different stupid a more potent deafening stupid and with how this works I need to tell you what happens and then I get to talk about it so here goes Rey tries to use the gay to pull the transport with a captured Chewie in it down but kylo uses gay push to counter his until Rey does this what the [ __ ] what kind of unmitigated trophy of cinematic excrement am I being forced to witness right now who's the [ __ ] carnival penis at Lucasfilm that approved this tumorous fudge we call a scene alright let's [ __ ] begin the entire team allowing ray to waddle off that far was just silly having her commit to this [ __ ] move rather than simply throwing the lightsaber from a safe position is just silly having the first order parked right next to our heroes and doing nothing about them that's just silly having Chewie go to chase ray while taking a cheese knife with him instead of leaving it with Poe and Finn that's just silly having Ray be unable to pull the ship down or just straight-up damage the thrusters is just [ __ ] silly she's a god having neither Powe nor Finn do anything about the troopers or kylo Ren all this escaping ship is just silly having kylo ren's survive being [ __ ] exploded after rolling a million miles an hour is just [ __ ] silly ray using one of the most advanced powers for the dark side without a lick of [ __ ] experience in that regard is [ __ ] silly having ray blast out concentrated gay to incinerate you [ __ ] Barker though [ __ ] really you would incipit piss waffle that series of about two minutes was just just [ __ ] silly and you know what after ray murdered Chewie Finn makes this noise and it honestly makes me laugh it's as though he's saying why the [ __ ] did you kill him you dumbass either way our characters sort of just pick up and leave no first order chase them kylo doesn't even bother trying to stop them okay next up we see Chewie is fine he's onboard kylos destroyer and it turns out rey just destroyed a random other transport ship no I'm not screwing with you this happens the film's straight up kills him and has all of the characters react and then it's just like he's fine lawl [ __ ] pond-scum script so they decide what to do about the inscription apparently there isn't enough time to return to base but there's totally enough time to visit a droid smith and work on the translation remember this I'm gonna come back to it also they are being followed by the Knights of Ren in their own ship that explains why they let them go oh wait no it doesn't why didn't they just capture them instead of letting them run free I actually have no idea during the journey bb-8 manages to power up a droid from uchi ship it just chills out and nobody wonders if it has any information that could possibly help them being that it's decades old and it's a sith droid but it's fine I mean it would be way too convenient to the story to have that be an option you know so then our heroes arrive at Kazemi and they are ambushed by Zora bliss she's an old crew member of a spice running operation Poe used to be a part of sori immediately concludes that they can collect the bounty on our heroes until Rey beats them all up and thus Zuri decides she likes Rey and ironically this is a common trait of the MarySue people in the world just like them and what [ __ ] luck that nobody was killed or even shot at in this back-and-forth and that she responded in that very specific way would have been super awkward if she didn't help them or if the first-order were alerted but hey this is how it went so zouri guides our heroes to the Droid Smith whose name is Babu Frick they take c-3po to a droid Smith named Babu Frick oh and just as our heroes are moving away the movie shows us that the Knights of Ren are right on their tail but they still lose them like this this whole group of them moving in lockstep throughout the city searching for these people that they let go despite knowing exactly where the ship is and yet they are all searching everything one one together and they lost them you guys are so incompetent that I'm starting to think you didn't make it to the last Jedi because you just got lost mr. Frick then concludes that you have to erase c-3po s memory in order to successfully translate the SIF message why why does that follow in any way whatsoever why would you have to erase his whole memory that that's just what in fact why can't you have do translated he's literally a SIF droid c-3po then says that r2d2 doesn't have reliable copies of c-3po s memory and that this is their only shot meaning that if they were to return to base after the mission where r2d2 is just chilling out c-3po would not be able to be restored meaning this is now c-3po s death scene why the [ __ ] would a goddamn droid Smith not have any way to create a backup for a droid I was like an IT tech not having a USB for [ __ ] sake and do I even need to talk about how utterly embarrassing it is that you have c-3po essentially dying with nobody he [ __ ] knows in the room Leia Chewie and r2d2 are all gone four equally [ __ ] reasons and you have this saga long character tell the audience that he's saying goodbye to his friends and he's speaking to people that he maybe [ __ ] a [ __ ] minute of screentime with yeah I'm not [ __ ] buying that so c-3po dies great moving on Zhora bliss shares that she has a first-order captain's medallion which means you get free passage through any blockade what [ __ ] luck that she just has a magical space coin that can basically push anybody through the plot kinda seems as though it makes no sense being that whichever captain to belong to would surely know it's missing and get it deactivated not to mention that if this theoretical captain were dead it would surely have been decommissioned but alright I guess that's how that works I mean it's no big deal she's not giving it to Poe and the rest of our heroes or anything it's meant for her so she can finally escape this planet that she's been trapped on for so long a planet filled with pain that she wants to get away from this is her only shot anyway she ends up giving it to Poe and they use it to ambush a first-order ship and save Chewie [ __ ] this gelatinous plumb of a script PO then shares that nobody came to help the resistance in their final hours on crate he thinks that everyone is too scared and Zora counters by saying there's more of us than them and they win when they make us feel alone maybe in sheer number you might be right but you are aware of the absolute Legion of death star destroyers right like standing up to them could mean the destruction of your entire solar system my favorite line they win because they make us feel alone yeah no they win because of their galaxy destroying lasers seems like a detail that might keep this army from forming but yeah it's a coincidence thing for sure so our heroes are directed to the Endor system for McMuffin to buy a now blank c-3po kylo Ren arrives he was a bit slower this time despite having his Knights directly behind our heroes compared to being systems away with naught but a [ __ ] necklace but who cares astronomy is gay when seeing wrens ship Rey manages to sense that Chewbacca is alive and they decide to go and rescue him with the space coin allowing them to land their ship why is it that Rey couldn't sense that he was alive when he was about thirty meters away from her when she thought she'd killed him no [ __ ] clue I guess the plot didn't care at that point I don't even know where to begin with stuff like this nothing runs with any cause-and-effect bliss just has this thing that lets them get through first-order blockades and she just gives it to them ray just senses Chewie with the gay they have the weight of the universe on their shoulders and they immediately decide to go into the belly of the beast to get Chewie out they don't even take the space coin with them either they leave it on the ship that thing was specifically invented to make it so that Chewie could be saved and the dagger could be retrieved and nothing gets discussed by these characters they do not give a [ __ ] the journey is already decided did I mention the pacing is horrific in this film also I find it hilarious that Rey is happy she didn't kill Chewie and that we're all good to go now but who knows who she actually did kill on that transport or whether they were prisoners on it you [ __ ] psychopath so kylo goes searching for Rey in the city while our heroes enter the Star Destroyer to save Chewie apparently the Knights have so little clue as to where any of them are they have to search the entire city again that's the dialogue one for one well done lads so you're telling me that they actually managed to land this ship inside the Star Destroyer because of a space coin are you certain that this wouldn't have tripped several alarms ah well that's where you're wrong they actually send two stormtroopers to go and check oh wow you just murdered them right in front of the entire hangar bay I feel like you guys are [ __ ] now I can't help but think of another scene that they did this in where it was much more meticulous and well reasoned in terms of how they actually managed to get past these systems but here they just run through shoot everybody good stuff guys moving on upon delving further into the ship race splits off from poe and finn to go and find McMuffin 3 let me repeat that rey splits off from them to go and find McMuffin three McMuffin 3 if you remember is the knife the knife had a guide to McMuffin - and they have that translated now from c-3po so why would they as characters have any reason to go and get the knife why would they split up the team when they're supposed to be finding Chewie well unbeknownst to our entire team it's actually very important that they get that knife let's have a look at what ray tells Poe as a reason for why she's leaving them why feeling a feeling a [ __ ] feeling that you need it you are going to risk everyone's lives over a feeling my goodness also just before that she does a mind trick on two stormtroopers at once to get the info about Chewie and tells everybody to shoot out the cameras I imagine this is in hopes that they don't alert the first-order as to where they are though I am almost certain that shooting cameras will alert [ __ ] everybody to exactly where you are it's also neat that she's just this good with the force I guess though that is downright consistent at this point anyway general pride spots this ship in the hangar bay personally don't know why he was heading there don't know why he was essentially doing the work of the lowest ranks imaginable but yeah that just happens he immediately questions who it belongs to which makes me wonder how the [ __ ] a space coin can get you through any blockades if it's provably false as a ship by looks alone how far can the coin possibly get you do you not need to confirm with any kind of code or communication beyond a [ __ ] metal chip this being noticed leads to Finn and Poe having to gun down around twenty to thirty stormtroopers they just stand there and get shot it's honestly just sad there's even a moment where a couple of troopers turn up behind our heroes choose not to shoot them and then they wait to get shot instead the first order looking super competent as usual either way they end up getting captured along with Chewie and sent for execution Poe is shot by the way but it's in the arm and everyone forgets about it in seconds more on that in a moment so Rey actually manages to find the dagger Chuy's bandolier and his bow caster because she could sense the gay that totally makes sense I guess Luke really couldn't sense the knife when he was at persona but she can sense it here I like how they aren't even locked down either this is the knife that allows a person to find Palpatine secret mcmuffin that leads to his hidden army and it's just sitting on some white block along with Chewbacca's [ __ ] bandolier what the [ __ ] is this before she can leave kylo calls her on skype again because he of course wants to find her even though he could have just captured her moments ago god this is such a headache you would think he would just keep Skype open at all times or at least do it a bit more considering how much he needs to find her but nope he spends this discussion looking for a clue as to her location and unfortunately for Rey they have a small battle that involves knocking over Darth Vader's helmet teleporting it to kylo and so kylo knows exactly where she is the sheer luck factor in every element of this script is beyond insane it hurts to [ __ ] think about but yeah with how the teleporting works I guess Darth Vader's helmet is now just sitting in the middle of koji me cool though the amusing thing is they make something like that happen on purpose to push the plot like the helmet itself being teleported through when they didn't even need to Rey was already holding the [ __ ] Sith dagger when he opened up the call with her she has it in her hand throughout the [ __ ] conversation how does that not tell kylo exactly where she is that thick [ __ ] though I suppose the more interesting part of this scene is that of kylo Ren telling Rey about her lineage her parents were indeed nobody but there's more to that story we're gonna get there but I want to say ahead of time Rian Johnson must have [ __ ] hated watching this movie it pisses all over the last Jedi and as much as that amuses me it's not exactly great to look at you know segmented piles of hot rotting excrement pouring over a dilapidated corpse that once used to be quite something I'm not exactly happy about the extra mint but I can laugh at it ray tells c-3po bb-8 and do the new droid to go and find poe and finn she doesn't suggest how they can escape she simply says they should go well okay but before we can even think about how Rey imagines they'll escape you have to wonder how it's possible for these droids to simply find the others maybe they're gonna do a scan like they did in a new hope or maybe they have some comms nope we have a scene where c-3po walks down a corridor and suddenly what [ __ ] luck they're just around the [ __ ] corner this is just wonderful new piece of [ __ ] crotch brained [ __ ] bucket of an excuse for a script okay so Huck's prevents the execution of Po Finn and Chuy explaining that he's the spy and that he betrayed the first order because he doesn't like kylo Ren that's it he just hates him and wants him to go away we have no idea how long he's been a spy we have no idea if there's anything to him that's altruistic he just seems as though he very much doesn't like kylo Ren and that's worth losing his entire career his faction and risking his life he stops the lockdown for them and asks that Finn shoot him to make him look like he was forced to let them go despite the fact that they took the time to explain that there are cameras everywhere you [ __ ] idiots not to mention by the way that when they captured Chewie they wanted to torture him which they didn't manage to get started apparently but when they capture Poe Finn and Chewie they decide to execute them immediately I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that they were being executed by the one person who could save them it's almost like luck is a very big factor in this script moving on kylo meets up with Rey in the hangar bay and explains that Palpatine is her grandfather and yeah her parents were nobody but who [ __ ] cares her grandfather was god damn emperor [ __ ] palps creamy sheave himself which would naturally mean that one of her parents was the child of Emperor Palpatine who or repellent they were nobody had filthy junk treasures nothing never what do you mean you didn't like i lo that doesn't make any sense what if her parents was the child of Emperor Palpatine mr. Johnson I'm so sorry but I can't stop laughing at how much JJ must have hated your movie apparently Rey's parents kept her hidden from Palpatine because they didn't want her to become an evil tizen and he's been searching for her ever since but what helps didn't know is that there was a dyad in the gay two that are one and so kylo suggests that she joined him and killed Palpatine because the dyad can overpower creamy sheave himself but before any decision can be made for sure Finn and Poe collect Rey and escape via hyperspace they don't use the skip this time though they just leave with the one so why don't they get followed how literally says what why okay we didn't get the answer for why they let you go earlier despite immediately choosing to have them executed when they were captured and we're not gonna get the answer for why they let you go now are we even though the first order have now lost the dagger as a result it's almost as if [ __ ] nothing makes any sense cutting back Hux explains that he was forced to let them go and general pride played dashingly by the wonderful Richard II grant just straight up kills him I cannot help but believe that JJ was so pissed that Ryan turned his young Empire enthusiast general Mann into a clown that he decided to create a new character that behave just like Huck's from the force awakens and have him execute what remained of the character that he was supposed to be and that Ryan shat on how you doin there Ryan okay buddy it's also pretty interesting that they discover the spy for the resistance the proverbial thorn in the first order side and they choose to execute him no interrogation not even a question he would theoretically have a wealth of knowledge on the enemy but [ __ ] it that would make sense next up we get racing that Palpatine killed her parents so she will destroy him and Finn says I know you and that doesn't sound like you only for Rey to say films trying to be like oh [ __ ] Ray's got a dark streak to her what's gonna happen oh my god and all I can help but say is the [ __ ] when does she ever make any decision that's even remotely dubious remember when Luke strangled the guards at Jabba's or how he demanded job and kneel to his demands or die remember how Anakin executed the Tusken Raiders when does Rey literally do anything that could be considered the dark gay was it the lightning I don't think she even knew how to do that and it's clearly not tied to him motives as a person because she only thought she was saving someone in that moment oh dear they'll be essays written about how much you can't say about Rey and side note during this journey poe is dealing with a blaster shot to the arm and since he's the most talented pilot in the resistance outside of Jesus over here he's quite important not to mention that he's second in command after Leia you'd think that Rey could maybe lend him a hand and heal that up for him since you know she'll do it with a wild [ __ ] animal but nope he can just have a bandage let's just hope it doesn't affect his piloting anyway we managed to visit kylo for a moment and Palpatine tells him that he still needs to kill ray there's no hologram they just have Palpatine tell him this in his head through the force that's just a casual thing now okay so now we end up in the end or system where mcmuffin 3 says McMuffin to is and that just so happens to be the broken remains of the second Death Star yes this Death Star how could this possibly work even if there were pieces of this thing how could it land it would have burnt up in the atmosphere it would have made an enormous crater but if those things didn't happen then surely it would have just crumbled regardless how could it possibly be in this kind of condition and how the hell didn't it actually fall on the same moon of Endor from Episode six how did it manage to get to this place oh my god it's also terrible so ray is asked what it is and she uh nayana Klee says it's a bad place a bad place it's a bad place so like are we still gonna pretend that the prequels are the only ones with shitty dialogue now you may be asking if McMuffin too is in only one room on this destroy Death Star then how could they possibly find the right room it's surely impossible to search the whole thing with the time they have so they're [ __ ] right well ray pulls out a ruler portion of the blade yes just go with me here and she lines it up with the ruins of the Death Star to point to the exact place she needs to go do you understand the sheer insanity of this [ __ ] moment can i express to you how [ __ ] stupid this is you have to have carved the knife from before ray was a child so like 20 years ago and you had to do it based on the ruins of the enormous fallen ship and then you create a ruler attachment that extends out and points to the correct room based on where you were standing at the time are you [ __ ] baiting me not only do you have to worry about the ruins shifting over decades which is pretty likely of an enormous fall and death star that's in the [ __ ] ocean for Christ's sake not only do you have to rely on the idea that the resistance rebellion or just Randy's in general decide to never plunder this place despite having insanely valuable resources within it not only do you have to worry about ray figuring out that this is the thing you even need to do with this knife not only do you have to be in the right distance away for it to line up with the blade but you also have to be at this specific angle if they had looked at this Death Star from any other position they would have been [ __ ] out of luck what the [ __ ] is happening who wrote this who would want this attached to the [ __ ] resume holy mother of Hades you galactic [ __ ] with this information they can go and get McMuffin too but the locals tell our heroes that they have to wait till morning because of the enormous waves that are preventing travel for now they can't take the Falcon over there because the landing gear is all [ __ ] apparently um the Falcon can float just have it drop off Rey and Finn or whatever like why wait an entire day when the first order know where you are it's not like the Falcons never been damaged before you do realize that the Galaxy is depending on you right now yeah why are you people so beyond stupid this isn't even a contrivance anymore it's just sludge insidious sludge dripping onto the page either way they all agree to wait only for Rey to run off and go alone again for reasons like I don't know why she did this she behaves very oddly in this movie she also manages to pilot the watercraft there despite the fact that the people who probably know exactly how they work told her not to because it's gonna be too difficult [ __ ] desert bound hermit is so talented that she can sail the choppy ax stuff seas can we even pretend to be surprised anymore you know what why doesn't she just [ __ ] fly over there we know she can why not teleport why not anything at this [ __ ] point so fit on the locals decide to follow her in another skimmer because apparently we can just do that now I thought they made a big deal about not doing it but what the [ __ ] ever also I have no idea what Poe is gonna do about all this he doesn't come with them and no one seems to tell him we just see him again back at the base later so ya don't know what's going on there raised then seem traversing the dangerous remains for the Death Star just like she did back on Jack who with Star Destroyers but it makes no sense anymore she can literally just float with ease she can also jump incredible Heights why is she making a big deal about a little gap like this anyway she gets to the Emperor's throne room because Star Wars and she enters sheaves bedroom where he kept McMuffin number two as she goes to leave she is attacked by evil ray remember her well she tries to speak to Rey and before you can absorb that she shows Rey her scary Bilbo teeth and Rey falls over JJ what the [ __ ] am I looking at kylo then picks up McMuffin too because he's just here now and he destroys it whoops now they have to fight and fight they do it's awful please go and subscribe to shadow versity so that we can see him break down exactly why when the blu-ray version comes out for this horrible mess link is in the description anyway we cut to layer at the base Maz Kanata explains to everyone that she has to use the Skype power to see kylo and that it will kill her I guess Leia figured that she could stop kylo from killing Rey I don't know how she knows that's gonna happen i sees the future I don't know like how she know about any of this huh has the gay become like the most convenient thing that's ever existed now it's just pure convenient magic like I know a lot of people say I never had rules it had rules you [ __ ] it had a lot of rules you know I'd like to develop what I was kind of talking about earlier how did kylo know that she was in the Death Star how did he know where to park he didn't see the info from a cheese knife but him being there means the first order had to know where the heroes we're and followed them through hyperspace right so how come the people fixing the Falcon aren't dead now how aren't they at the very least captured Rey isn't even on it and she's the only person Kyla once alive everybody who's on the Falcon was going to be executed like 10 minutes ago are we gonna get answers as to how any of this works no okay kylo and Rey continue to battle and kylo essentially wins I have no idea how considering he was beaten by her twice without training but I guess that gut shot really mattered sometimes anyway when kylo is about to deliver the killing blow he sees Leia and drops his weapon once that happens race straight up cheap shots in with a sucker stab to the chest and then is immediately like oh no lei is dead which is wait what the [ __ ] lei is dead now you went to this amount of effort to bring her into this film only to have it go out like that a [ __ ] silhouette falling over oh that's three for three folks all of them [ __ ] annihilated by the sequels so ray feels guilty immediately because what she did was concentrated [ __ ] and so she heals kylo with the gay and tells him she wanted to take his hand but specifically bends Han and not exactly sure of what that means other than please be good now you [ __ ] idiots either way she runs off apparently kylos ship was right next to where they ended their battle it doesn't require any keys or ID to fly and of course ray knows how to fly it and it just happens to be right there meanwhile Finn and Poe go back to base they have no idea if Raven found the McMuffin or where to look for it since she took the dagger she didn't tell them fuchal even though their whole bloody job was to find a way to exit all and so they head home and not to skip ahead but this is never addressed they never actually ask you why the hell she randomly abandoned them but hey they once or whatever like as it stands at this very moment in the film the entire journey for Chewie Poe and Finn was pointless anyway kylo is standing up now and he's visited by a certain someone han [ __ ] solo and the film makes sure to tell us that this is exclusively from Kyla's memory not a force ghost could you imagine how [ __ ] that [ __ ] would be regardless Han forgives kylo which is pretty [ __ ] meaningless when you think about it like he admits this is his own memory and then he has his own memory forgive himself han is dead he didn't forgive you you forgave yourself and with everything you've done across these three movies that hasn't been earned whatsoever anyway kylo decides to throw his lightsaber into the ocean and have a look around he's alone there so I'm not sure what his plan is but I'm sure we'll find out eventually next up we see that pride is having a discussion with Palpatine and they decide to combine their forces at exag all for no reason while sending a ship to destroy koji me why would they place all of their ships in a single position outside of one from EXA goal and random ones in the first order I thought the conditions on X ago were like terrible well we need a finale so why not also why destroy Kojima well because they want to piss off the resistance yeah but why as we were about to find out you are very vulnerable at EXA goal why are you trying to get people to attack you they're also zouri blisses ohnkoji me and she didn't have his space coin because she gave it away so I guess she's dead now rip how exactly does Palpatine think Ray's gonna get 2x a goal considering she's currently on October 9 kylo ship and swearing off any in Almond at all does he hope that Luke will convince her to we then see the final order begin as the plan to blow up kojima is enacted with a death star destroyer look at stupid those dudes in red of black look [ __ ] red ass troopers huh anyway the rebellion catch up to this event and conclude that every single ship in the Emperor's fleet has planet killing weapons and they've sent out a signal that all planets must submit or die well I'll tell you one thing the Emperor's death star is looking pretty puny now you nailed it JJ we have 1000 super mobile death stars good [ __ ] that's how steaks get amped up I love it so anyway on arc to Ray goes to throw Anakin's lightsaber into the [ __ ] bonfire and before it can fall in jake skywalker catches it oh well i guess we're still doing that huh ghosts can just interact however they want that's just wonderful is there any explanation for that just do this why would it be that planet when Luke went there specifically to cut himself off from the force why would he go to the planet that super 4 see where ghost can even use the Force if he wanted to escape the force it may not be the digit I originate there but that's where they established their first it's not how that works you just won the Jedi said this is the first temple it would boom and force ghost him and I have power there it's like that's what my works well yeah cuz obi-wan died on the Death Star but he showed up on Dagobah and well yeah but then Luke showed up at a scene you know you can go anywhere as a force ghost so you should go to X goal and summon lightning and destroy the fleet yeah this is why I joked about it before but I guess say it again what's the point of being alive look either way you would think that Jake would be okay with nuking that light say but considering how much of a [ __ ] he gave about it before but he does have something interesting to say about that [Music] wait I'm sorry one more time [Music] get [ __ ] Ryan oh my god what a rollercoaster it's been to be a fan of Star Wars holy [ __ ] Luke then says that she shouldn't stay on this island and of course she replies that he did and Luke then says coming to the island was a mistake JJ stop please I cut this can't be real this is the cinematic equivalent of two babies fighting over which ones toys get to be in the [ __ ] sandbox only the sandbox cost four billion dollars to [ __ ] buy so Luke tells you to go fight Palpatine because she's not evil which is sound advice I guess hope nothing bad can come of that he also provides Sarah's second lightsaber this one is layers from when she was training with Luke Luke kept it on the island because Leia didn't want it apparently Leia was scared that if she kept being a Jedi her son would die because she saw it in a vision so she decided that Luke should take care of her lightsaber for a person who would eventually pick it up and finish Leia's journey on ironically this is what Luke says Leia gave it up because she saw his son's death at the end of her journey and so she wanted someone else to finish her journey thus killing her son what the [ __ ] is this writing also Luke says he knew Rey was a Palpatine but didn't want to say anything didn't he like swear off teaching people to control the gay because of what happened with kylo and yet he decided to try with a [ __ ] Palpatine really why was he shocked when she went for the dark gay in tlj you know I think these movies don't like each other so then Luke raises his old x-wing out of the water meaning he truly committed suicide rather than turning up to create himself awesome thanks for that Rey then uses that and kylos mcmuffin to approach EXA call all the people who said Luke couldn't get to create with his ship because it was waterlogged how does it feel to have JJ just spit in your coffee and slap you in the face yeah that's how tlj felt also force ghost can just do [ __ ] anything at this point that normal Jedi can do wonderful also also Luke had to let Rey know about the McMuffin in Kyle ship apparently she didn't notice that thing being plugged into a navigation despite knowing exactly what a McMuffin looks like so she didn't transmit the information to her friends because she's an [ __ ] or because she's absurdly forgetful you can take your pic on that oh and if your brain hadn't melted already r2d2 casually reinstalls c-3po he's fine now back to normal in fact what do you guys mean that they made a big deal out of it what's wrong with this bait and switch all talented writers use it they did it with Chewie they did it with Palpatine and we haven't even finished this movie yet I wonder who else is gonna come back to life so back with the rebellion everything was a waste of time and they have no idea what to do do the random droid the belongs to da fook II happens to have a readout of EXA goal on his hard drive they get the location of the planet the fleet and how dangerous the surrounding area is as well as the core weaknesses they can exploit how about there he functions as what they thought they wanted out of the McMuffin how [ __ ] lucky but of course as they learn you need the McMuffin to be plugged into your navigation in order to get past the space cancer unless Rey is moving through the space cancer right now and she can just transmit the coordinates that you would have gotten through plugging in the McMuffin wow you can just do that that sounds so lucky woohoo and so the rebellion fleet follow her to EXA goal she doesn't wait for them and they don't wait for backup because yeah what a useful [ __ ] droid to have come across what wonderful [ __ ] [ __ ] this whole plot has been imagine for a moment that Ray had sent that guide to the space cancer and they didn't have do in order to know where X a goal even was which by the way is exactly what she should assume they have in terms of information because the discovery from do comes after Ray has left our team of heroes and she's supposed to be the only one with a functioning McMuffin unless of course transmitting the info makes it so that do is essentially obsolete in which case why have it that they get all this information from do anyway oh my god who wrote this and it's about to get so much worse ladies and gentlemen I present to you JJ Abrams trying to make a high-stakes final battle scene so we have like a thousand Star Destroyers on X Eagle versus a flimsy fleet from the resistance that sounds like we lose but there's a key factor they have no shields on ex-girl and po makes it clear that the reason for that is you cannot activate shields until you are above atmosphere that is something that PO says I didn't know that that was [ __ ] true but apparently that's a rule now even though the troopers had shields on their tread speeders in personna even though the war at the beginning of the fifth movie began with the empire trying to destroy a shield generator that was protecting a base in the atmosphere of a planet and even with that insanity we haven't won yet what would stop the Death Star Destroyers from just going up above the atmosphere they'll get their shields back and there's still like a thousand of them well po has an answer for that it's that size need help taking off now if can't tell which way is up out there navcon tell which way is up out there are you [ __ ] yanking my chain the ships can't tell which way is up [ __ ] up how about you look out the [ __ ] window you turbo [ __ ] how the [ __ ] would they not be able to tell how to go [ __ ] up if you guys can tell which way is up then surely they [ __ ] can they have windows you just need to go in the opposite direction of gravity can we please get a helium balloon for each Star Destroyer in case our pilots can't look outside also are you telling me that they don't have any Star Destroyers in space right now they don't have one here or here or here what the [ __ ] are you talking about po oh god it gets worse apparently the star destroyers need to have a tower to tell them how to go up if our heroes destroy said tower all of the ships are [ __ ] and all you have to do is shoot the under side cannon for the entire ship to explode that's the plan it's as simple as that are you [ __ ] kidding me all because they don't know how to go up what the [ __ ] Mary then asks whether they can do a whole doe maneuver they named it after her holy [ __ ] but Finn replies come on that move is one in a million one in a million one in a million you're telling me that what she did had a one in a million chance of working she was just astronomically lucky what do you [ __ ] mean doesn't that make her a traitor now if it was a 999,999 chance out of a million that she would escape into hyperspace then isn't that the obvious [ __ ] thing she was trying to do and she got unlucky according to this movie Admiral hold oh is a [ __ ] coward and what's more as she failed at running away also by her own judgement she's now at wet remember this you have bet the survival of the resistance on bad odds and put us all at risk I was one in a million you stuck up from be sack of rats honestly though how the [ __ ] could it possibly be one in a million how do you miss the supremacy when it's that enormous and if she knew that it was a low chance then why didn't she just drive the ship into them the regular way once again JJ kicks Ryan right in the balls though in fairness Ryan kind of earned it when he kicked the rest of Star Wars in the balls with that stupid scene though I do want to say that this is exactly what we were all expecting Ryan Johnson wrote it so that stakes couldn't exist in space battles anymore without some kind of retcon and JJ Abrams just retconned it into oblivion what a [ __ ] show they still don't have a lot of access to reinforcements so the plan is to send Chewie and Lando to the core systems and ask for help kind of like they did in the last Jedi only during that film they actually had better odds they weren't fighting thousands of planet destroying Star Destroyers and they had an actual escape but sure fine may as well try kicking on ray gets to EXCI goal and she makes her way to Palpatine she also arrives while wearing Luke's x-wing helmet which we see the good guys traveling through the space cancer and it's kind of insane we're getting a [ __ ] ton of huge ships just moving through something that a Thai interceptor had to dodge and weave through but alright it's only about 20 ships I'm sure I can believe that as soon as the fleet arrive they are bombarded with what seems to be thousands of lasers and they make it out okay for a while I don't know that that's possible in fact I think it's very not possible at all actually but okay so we find out that the tower is just sitting on the surface of X ago not protected by anything and of course it doesn't have any shields because those aren't possible below atmosphere the plan is to send a ground crew to go and disable it but why not just fire a missile at it though or like even lasers like just fly one dude there this all you need is one guy it has no shields you can't I still can't believe this entire plan comes from a random droid they found on a 20 year old ship in the [ __ ] desert kill me general pride then discovers their plan and so he reroute the ship's navigation to his own ship to guide them out way what he can literally guide out the ships with his own ship because I'd like the other ships he knows how to fly it's Christmas why wouldn't you build all of the Star Destroyers to have the tower installed you [ __ ] hab so the rebels spot this plan by seeing the navigation tower deactivate they don't shoot it mind you they simply spot it deactivating Finn quickly realizes that it's Prydz ship that has the new source of the navigation and so they concoct a plan to assault his ship and destroy the navigational portion of it though whatever how does he know that pride ship has the navigational source well he explains it for us he has a feeling a [ __ ] feeling fantastic they land their transport on pride ship and they intend to travel to the tower and destroy it they can't do it with speeders because pride can Jam those apparently like he just says to jam the speeders I didn't know that was a thing and that wouldn't have worked if they just parked closer to the tower anyway but okay the subordinate then says and that's because they are riding space horses to the goal why would you park so far away from your goal it seems the only reason is to literally have this moment with the space horses so yeah they ride them on a Star Destroyer and for some reason pride is bewildered by this he has no idea how to stop it try tilting the ship they have horses you pancake [ __ ] you have artificial gravity they don't tilt the ship and even if the gravity somehow applies to them outside of the ship it is worth tossing your crew around if it means saving your entire fleet for [ __ ] sake how is do you this [ __ ] stupid their horses you've outclassed them in technology by seven all thousand [ __ ] years get your act together for [ __ ] sake we then see them all get attacked by Sith troopers because why not with the amount that land it's over there's no way they don't wash over the very small number of rebels as is but oh my god shrek is here yes shrek made it into the seed good for you so Finn and the other person make their way to the tower and a person I honestly don't remember her name shoots an enemy with an arrow and destroys it okay then she drops grenades into a hole and it blows up prides navigation tower which means the navigation is now [ __ ] and all the rebels have to do is destroy the ships because the ships can't escape XO goal because they don't know which way is up pride is sad to discover this and demands that they reset the Death Star Destroyer systems in order to regain navigation how do you reset your systems when the [ __ ] navigation tower has been destroyed you dopey [ __ ] holster Finn realizes that this is Prydz plan and so he decides that they have to blow up the entire ship whether or not he's gonna make it back come the final order or whatever just reactivate the first tower now why are they trying to reset their own tower instead of just flipping the one on the bottom back on doesn't that kind of destroy any and all tension this [ __ ] battle even had so Finn tell Shrek to leave and begins his sacrifice again only this time shrek can't stop him and it's played as an absolutely heroic move once again just JJ [ __ ] all over Rian Johnson and I can't help but [ __ ] laugh back over to Rey and she meets up with Palpatine he explains to her that she needs to kill him so that he can possess her with all of the Sith that ever existed and become super evil Sith God person I guess you'd think he would have tried that with Luke or Vader in Return of the Jedi but obviously he hadn't learned that ability yet while in this scene by the way there's this weird [ __ ] audience of what appear to be thousands chanting for Palpatine like in cities and [ __ ] who the [ __ ] are these people are they Sith where I come from where they sleep do they have like a 9 til 5 job wait wait what do they eat is it's no clones do they have a Snoke soup with a side of Snoke either way kylo arrives to I guess he had to awkwardly explain to his team that he's not with them but he still needs a ride all he got it from the ruined Death Star but that just raises even more questions they then have this slapstick moment where he jumps onto a chain to get down to Palpatine and Rey but he hits himself and says ow really feeling the tone here from there kylo shoots some randoms and finally bumps into the Knights of Ren these guys are super formidable with their clubs and axes I mean they're essentially [ __ ] kylo has a blaster and the force what can they possibly do well the thing is when we cut back to kylo he doesn't have the blaster it's just gone ladies and gentlemen JJ Abrams has actually continued something from Ryan's work the disappearing weapon and of course without the blaster kylo loses immediately probably should have held on to it with a bit more passion or hell could have brought your [ __ ] lightsaber couldn't you despite all of this nonsense Rey provides kylo a lightsaber through skype teleport and he manages to kill all of the Knights they even have him do a han Solo shrug which makes no sense for him as a character kylo Ren has about as much humor as a dead sock you know I haven't talked about it that much but the fighting really has been Tisza me in this film like there's this moment where kylo turns his back on the knights of ren with his lightsaber behind him and he just sort of waits for them to hit it and then they do and then he's like satisfied with that why would they still hit it why wouldn't they just attack him where he's vulnerable oh and let's not forget the stab his way into after Rey and kylo kill all of the minions in the area they meet up and prepare to take down Palpatine once and for all which is confusing because I thought Palpatine said if you kill him he just becomes you or whatever so III don't know what their plan is here either way old creamy sheave just obliterates them he immediately sucks the life energy from both their bodies because that's something he can just do and they can't do anything to stop him and now he becomes super sheave these two were essentially gods in the force and he just sucks their shoots dry oh well hope he'll pee even got his SIF eyes back for Sabri what has happened to get Ybor discount Porkins dies he like gets shot down does anyone remember him he was in TFA I just I don't really remember him because Ryan forgot to carry him over to tlj so now he's dead rip anyway all seems lost and everyone is panicking but good fortune is just around the corner as is the case whenever a fight scene seems dire pokey is on his comms a familiar voice a voice that tells him backup is on the way oh sorry that's the wrong clip at that moment thousands of ships blast into EXO call all allies all prepared to help save the day oh sorry wrong clip actually how the [ __ ] did this many ships manage to navigate the space cancer look at that crowd how in the world could that be possible they should have been [ __ ] obliterated unless they took my plan seriously and finally just went around the space cancer for [ __ ] sake also why the [ __ ] didn't they wait for Lando to come back with a message from the other systems before assaulting exid all alone it was only like an hour at most as a result he's gotten the majority of his team killed ahead of time thanks to his hotheadedness wasn't he supposed to learn his lesson in tlj that you know you make the right decision and then you get punished and now he's making the wrong decisions and not being punished kind of like the end of that film - among the ships we find zouri bliss she's not dead and neither is Babu Frick why is no one staying dead in this [ __ ] movie it's just this little person making this stupid shouts out at a ship with a person whose whole planet was destroyed with no feasible way for her to escape Chuy's c-3po Babu Frick Zora bliss Palpatine everyone just dies and comes back a cart with this also if this many people are willing to come when all hope was essentially lost then they must have been creating a resistance themselves right how was this Armada ready to go that around was [ __ ] minutes holy Moses okay so they assault the Death Star Destroyer army and they begin to turn the tide they even show a y-wing utterly [ __ ] up a Death Star Destroyer those people do not know what a y-wing is shut the [ __ ] up I'm pretty sure this moment is actually a giant middle finger to the [ __ ] tlj bombers it's like look why wings we have them they're useful yay even though moments later Palpatine turns the tide right back he throws kylo down a hole because I guess he was pissed that he was thrown down a hole I don't know from there he powers up his lightning and he unleashes the Titanic Gay upon the Galactic fleet Oh sidenote draining the life out of people apparently gives him red clothing yeah I don't know anyway he basically kills everything like every ship for the good guys either explodes or gets turned off he somehow manages to avoid destroying his own fleet with this move I guess he's just super accurate because that's how lightning works the interesting part is that everybody we don't recognize gets exploded however people like zouri Lando and Poe just sort of fall over but they never crash or anything it is like the most literal representation of suspending someone in animation because they don't want them to win or lose in this moment but yeah I suppose it bears mentioning that I was kind of surprised that you can get Sith powers to the point of electrocuting and destroying thousands of ships like I remember reading about this as a leak and I just didn't believe it but [ __ ] it that's a thing now so ray gets upset when seeing all of this and decides to call out to all past Jedi since she's the last one and we know they're all dead among the voices is ahsoka tano so yeah congratulations on pissing off yet another faction of fans that exist in your audience Disney I guess she's dead now so obi-wan qui-gon Yoda Leia Luke mace Windu Anakin and several others all encourage her to [ __ ] up Palpatine because hey that's where this whole saga was leading right all of those stories were designed to bring a hero to the forefront to destroy the villain and that hero's name is Rey Palpatine creamy sheave tries to hit her with lightning but she blocks it with a lightsaber she blocks galactic fleet destroying lightning with her lightsaber okay mister palps then delivers what I can only describe as cognitive diarrhea like a literal loose watery stool of the mind he says who boy I am all the syph written and directed by an adult and what does Rey say in response wow you straight-up ripped off Marvel there [ __ ] hell so she deflects the Lightning back at him and instead of it giving him a ball bag for a face it disintegrates him I guess mace windu should he use two lightsabers that way he might have one with a single he sucked it out of her but she has a lightsaber overloaded and exploited the instant that lightning hit for help to death I goes no there is no K but what about two lightsabers palpite ISM slowly melts to the point of my wondering what the [ __ ] he was doing still firing lightning at Rey when half of his face is a [ __ ] skeleton but he dies anyway Rey killed Emperor Palpatine not Anakin Rey the rest of the ships in the final order explode and all of our heroes escape ex ago isn't that just the satisfying ending to the Skywalker saga we always wanted I didn't [ __ ] think so anyway Rey dies from that for reasons even finn feels it in the force which means Palpatine can just inhabit her body now right I thought his whole thing was inhabiting bodies in general and once he's killed he can just move to another one like she did exactly what he wanted it to do so I guess he wins well either way kylo manages to climb up the hole and heal Rey back to life they they kiss [ __ ] why [Music] look as if reloj fans were the ones you needed to please also he dies after that he just disappears he's dead apparently this is a situation where they couldn't have both of them live like they couldn't share half the gay each it had to be a full gay for one of them but even if that's the case I'm not sure why Ray didn't disappear when she died in fact I have no idea how any of this works healing has massive implications okay they not only screw up how its employed that you know what what cost is there to heal because it doesn't cost ray anything she healed and she's perfectly fine but when Kyla heals he kills himself so every single Star Destroyer simply falls out of the sky after having their respective guns destroyed I guess or they just destroyed normally hell we even see one of them getting destroyed by a one in a million holder maneuver we see them fall over Endor bespin and other planets in general which makes no sense at all because if they're in range to be attacked by the locals then surely they were in range to have destroyed a planet or at least wage a war like we know for a fact that one of the planet destroying star destroyers is still out there what the hell happened to it the first order is defeated easily because obviously they never stood a [ __ ] chance the rebellion then celebrate their hard-won victory and we can be rest assured that puppy is dead he's definitely dead this time a real victory not that fake [ __ ] from episode six this is the real stuff folks we even get a random lesbian kiss from two characters I don't recognize oh and it's been cut from other versions of the film to avoid controversy maybe one day Disney will even have a main character that's gay those soulless deceitful [ __ ] corrupted monkey [ __ ] Oh Chewie gets given Leia's medal by the way remember how he like didn't get his medal in Episode four and how there's a [ __ ] ton of memes about that this film made sure that if they'd nail any scene it would be the one that gets Chewie his [ __ ] medal [ __ ] off to close out the film we see ray Barry the Skywalker lightsabers in luke's old home I can't imagine Anakin was very happy about his lightsaber being permanently entombed by several feet of sand though more importantly I think we can all agree that Luke's home should be in a [ __ ] museum at this point a Galactic celebratory shrine of heroism and it would likely have tourism an introspection about how this farm boy managed to topple an empire but [ __ ] it JJ never gave a [ __ ] about will building so why start now also it's pretty interesting that Ray's straight up buries the Skywalker light sabers it's arguably pretty symbolic she casts Luke Anakin and Leia's legacies into the dirt while going on to live as though she is the hero of this galaxy I'm sure I'm just reading into it it's not like she took their name either way ray checks out her new lightsaber a custom one that she made okay why weren't you using that one instead of Anakin's what I and you gave the eye what Luke made his own lightsaber because he lost the other one as she finished her training now [ __ ] off a stranger comes by asking for Ray's full name and she sees Leia and Jake off in the distance leaving her to take the name Rey Skywalker you can't just take their name you petulant celery stick [ __ ] you standing at the duel sons [ __ ] Jew duck [ __ ] what this isn't your name to take you piece of [ __ ] how is bb-8 hanging out with you bb-8 is Poe's [ __ ] droid give it back you greedy cow okay that's credits that's credits we did it we made it let's let's calm down us chill out and have a chat shall we what a biblical [ __ ] what a perfect way to drive the corpse of this franchise into the [ __ ] pits of Tartarus what a way to signal to the audience that you really really hate this IP where do I begin the wheel building has once again been sidelined or ignored for the sake of spectacle and throwaway lines we know nothing of the situation with the first order and their control an apparent year has passed since the destruction of the Republic and the planets throughout the galaxy have simply been ignored what do people think about the first order outside of the fact that they just turn up at the end are they even in control of anything what about the so-called free planets how exactly are they even free didn't best bin fall to a single seed from a star destroyer why did they even resist why would any planet even resist something as powerful as the first order how would they even resist what is happening in this world how did Lando know that there were only two McMuffins I like how there's this mystical super secret sith base planet that's hidden by storms waves and space cancer yet almost everybody in the galaxy turns up there by the end of the film thanks to a McMuffin getting copied and pasted to everyone how did general pride make it through the space cancer with his Star Destroyer how does anyone make it through with static coordinates when the space cancer is constantly shifting how did he even do it in general he didn't have a McMuffin and kylo had switched teams by the time he needed it that makes no [ __ ] sense did he just send general pride a McMuffin over the Wi-Fi at which point making everything to do with the McMuffins really stupid it's like they put so much effort into explaining how it's never been known previously and it's so difficult to reach but then it's as common as the [ __ ] gas station by the end of the movie I kind of want to talk about how dar [ __ ] Uzi has a key to the home address on his knife for [ __ ] sake why would Palpatine not keep the McMuffins at EXA goal why would he even have McMuffins why would he want people to potentially stumble upon his planet couldn't he just send people to go and fetch the people he wants at X ago at better yet he should send people out to get the McMuffins and keep the Mexico so that he can decide who gets there and who doesn't there's no [ __ ] need for all of this contrived [ __ ] why would he let the assassin that he sends to people of interest kill with a knife that has directions leading to his planet for [ __ ] sake why would the assassin want that if Palpatine's a clone then why is he essentially a corpse if he's got his own new body then wouldn't it have full function but then if it's not a clone how the [ __ ] did he survive the explosion twice if Palpatine didn't die from what happened to him in Return of the Jedi then why are we supposed to believe he's really dead this time how is it that Palpatine is accepted and known to all of these people yet not one year ago Luke Skywalker was a [ __ ] myth everybody just accepts that he's back as well there's no questions because we have no [ __ ] time do they not find it concerning that the information they are collecting from the spy was pretty much useless since it only said there's a fleet there's a planet and you're going to lose if it were me and we got that information and the first order just happened to find us moments later than I don't know I'd think it was a trap remember when Rey's lightning destroyed the transport ship and then supercharge Palpatine's lightning managed to turn some of them off and mess with their controls that's cool if they managed to miniaturize the Death Star tech so it can be used by ships then why didn't they just divert all resources into making those instead of building both the Death Star's and the star killer base why didn't Palpatine just continue to use the big gay to push the Star Destroyers even further up if they can't figure out up for themselves also because of the whole no shields thing and how if you shoot the open cannon of the ship [ __ ] random a wings can instantly destroy a Death Star Destroyer who [ __ ] designed these things the stakes have been raised only to be slapped right back down which is hilarious considering the retcon of holders maneuver in order to create stakes again only to destroy them yet again himself oh ok if ghosts can grab lightsabers and lift X wings and shoot lightning then why the [ __ ] aren't they helping people they care about I suppose that'll be a never ending question wait hang on like Luke seriously you only told Lando about this why was Luke okay with burning down the sacred act in the temple if they had the only clues to the McMuffins that are the only chance to getting to EXA goal and stopping Palpatine [ __ ] he wrote the one of mrs. [ __ ] diary why are you so terrible seriously can you just leave Luke Skywalker alone you [ __ ] ruined him I came to this island to die let's talk about the plot if you can call this a plot I would call it a JJ Abrams wet dream the man cannot function without mysteries action every five minutes a bazillion vistas the ticking clock and of course steaming hot McMuffins when writing this script one of the biggest concerns was that I wouldn't be able to explain the plot in a way that made sense the film loses its mind at several points it takes the meme of having a secret will that's found by a McMuffin that's found by a different McMuffin that's found by a coordinate that's found by an informant that's informed by a spy that has no previous existence as a spy and they turned it into a [ __ ] script how do you do this and take yourself seriously how did kylo know where to find the first McMuffin when it was hard as [ __ ] to find the second one why would creamy sheave tell the galaxy about his re-emergence when he's not even ready to destroy them all and he hasn't got a full functioning body yet why did he commit to his galaxy domineering plot at the same time he wanted to commit to his body swap plot the first order were already taking over the universe and in terms of just nonsense why the hell didn't he stop using his lightning when it was killing him he would stop doing the lightning when it started disintegrating him stop pissing like midstream if Palpatine made Snoke and had him ruling over the world with the first order then why didn't he send the other ships why wasn't he ruling instead why bother with all the snoke's [ __ ] he was you in everything but name what's the [ __ ] point it's almost like it's a giant retcon and the fact that Snoke almost had Rey killed would have [ __ ] up Hal peas plans for the whole movie lucky everything turned out the way it did huh how didn't Luke and Lando have yuichi ships stripped apart for any clues because if they did they would have found do the droid with a [ __ ] technical readout of XE Gul I wonder how significantly that would have changed the events of this saga do you remember when they said there was no time to go back to base from personís oc3 bo said he'll have to make his sacrifice well they were still going to head to coogee me and then to the end or system and then back to base and then still over 2x ago couldn't they've just gone to their base copied c-3po is memory with r2d2 and then do the memory reset they could still then go to the end or system actually why the [ __ ] wasn't r2d2 on this mission with them what was he doing back at base just chilling out he was in the opening mission but he's not on the mission that'll win the [ __ ] war they take [ __ ] c-3po on the mission but not r2d2 I understand the value of an interpreter but [ __ ] me oh we haven't even talked about the insane luck both good and bad characters just running around this film like [ __ ] bowling balls bouncing off everything they come into contact with they just get pushed to their designated endings through luck I don't know that anyone makes an informed choice in this film it all just seems to be immediate like is that what they would do I don't know go Lady Luck is given a name in this film and that name is the gay characters with spontaneous knowledge characters with abilities or access that allow them to enter the next scene with no problem characters who live or die based on the fact that something random and unlikely takes place it's wonderful it's a big old [ __ ] roller coaster and it leads to the destruction of what remained of the OT speaking of which good by the force any chance of you being consistent as left out the [ __ ] window with Luke Han and Leia we got it bringing people back from the dead in more ways than one we got Skype calls teleporting [ __ ] we are now capable of normal chats at will no hologram calls required we got the absorption of all past Jedi to beat all past SIF how about healing SIF spirit ghost inhabiting bodies like they took no [ __ ] time to explain any of these things this is not something you can just throw around in the final chapter how does ray know how to do this how is it the kylo seeing her do it makes it so he knows how to do it you have to let us know how it works I don't even let's talk about characters shall we Ray is trying to discover what her lineage is so that she can discover something about herself again and as a result of that we don't have any time to learn anything about her again because her lineage is not actually important to her character which is what they said in the force awakens and that she can find people who become influential to her crafting her character instead of looking back and that's if I'm being very generous only that changed in tlj - it's not that it's not important it's that it's nobody that would matter which doesn't actually make sense in universe but it does make sense in a meta commentary sort of way because we all expected her to be a Kenobi a Skywalker or a Palpatine what the writers fail to grasp is that even if her mother's name was Jane Doe she would still be a character she would still have a history she wouldn't be nobody to Rey either way it still means it's ultimately not important and they wasted another movie of development time to say nothing which leads us here a story that tells us no it's not that it's nobody and it's not that it doesn't matter it's that it's somebody but it's somebody that doesn't define her somebody that doesn't matter the entire trilogy has spent so long telling us that Rey isn't defined by any other person that they forgot to define her and so right at the end they have her say that she's a Skywalker what does that even mean for her and it's interesting that you would choose to identify in the same family trees the guy who just [ __ ] kissed but alright and as a result of that ending this trilogy has now solidified itself as the surgical bastardization of Galactic Heroes that paved the way for this stinking Maya's existence in the first place every single solo and Skywalker of [ __ ] dead a Palpatine is left to move on in this galaxy while using the hero's name what a [ __ ] win for the Emperor but don't forget just because Disney killed him doesn't mean he's gone because no one's ever really gone am i right you [ __ ] and you know what else this is supposed to be Mustafa this McMuffin is supposed to belong to Darth Vader why the [ __ ] didn't Anakin help Luke when he was looking for Darth Ichi why didn't he tell Luke about his own [ __ ] McMuffin why didn't he tell people that Palpa [ __ ] was still alive what the [ __ ] did you do to Anakin Skywalker's [ __ ] legacy you abysmal [ __ ] mole kylo commits to being a good guy this time no idea why just [ __ ] it he hadn't tried it in a while I guess it was Han Solo that truly pushed him over the edge generated from kylos memory even though he was recently told that Palpatine has been faking every voice in his head so he just looks even [ __ ] stupid or now but what else have we got going for the bad guys Snoke was an incredibly powerful force user that Palpatine could [ __ ] out of a Sith making machine for [ __ ] sake Hux is a plot device he's barely in the film and of what screen time he actually had he's humiliated and murdered but not before setting up the plot for our heroes and sparing them from it when they're about to be executed general Hux being the defecting officer of the modern empire is used as a quick excuse for our heroes to make it out when that could have been a story on its own he could have been treated with some respect and made for quite the turn of a character but nope like if Huck's his goal was to simply kill kylo then why was he feeding information on how to defeat the entire first order like he literally tells people how and when the first order will attack and what EXA goal is what the [ __ ] does that have to do with killing kylo Ren like you would have better luck with hiring a bounty hunter for [ __ ] sake I want to bring up the fact that like loads of ghosts that could have turned up just don't through so many events in this movie none of them care beyond getting sucked into Rey as she kills pal P which is kind of weird isn't it the Jedi just had to awkwardly stare at Rey and kylo as they were getting drained and they thought to themselves [ __ ] it we got to do this ourselves lads hop in not to mention qui-gon jinn was supposed to be the first to discover the means to become a ghost right then how do we here Mace Windu's voice like didn't he die before any of that could have happened I how the [ __ ] was he a ghost and if it's just all of them then how the [ __ ] wasn't there a [ __ ] sleek cavalcade of voices Luke's straight up pushes ray to go and kill Palpatine which actually led to all creamy being able to rejuvenate himself completely and you know with her being near death if Palpatine just chose to finish here I'll push it down the same hole that kylo is in the saga would have been [ __ ] over that would have been super awkward for Luke but you know [ __ ] it Palpatine says that if he's killed by Rey that he can transfer to Rey and then he just doesn't when those events actually take place I know I brought that up before but I just can't get over it it's just insane I guess I should bring up that finn has a setup for loving Rey like he has a moment where he tries to say it and it's dropped and nothing comes of it like why have that and do nothing with it what a way to waste the other protagonists in this series Leia gets her emotional death scene when they could have began the film with a tasteful funeral or had her survived the film instead they essentially weep for her and then kick on with your normal Star Wars experience Poe may as well have not been in the film Chewie Maz snap marry the rest of these chuckle [ __ ] they don't really do much of anything in terms of character there's nothing here the Knights of Ren are laughable it's like JJ put them there just to spite Ryan for not including them but all they do is fail to complete their goals there are about zero scenes for people to actually learn and grow or change in any significant way it's so busy explaining how the plot is going to work that there's just no time characters make snap decisions there's no introspection there's no discussion and they introduce a whole bunch of new people for no [ __ ] reason Zhora bliss this girl Babu Frick not to mention Darth [ __ ] do Chi Poe is apparently a person who did spice running at one point okay we had a scene to set that up that made no sense and then we had it paid off and nothing but providing some context on how he's friends with this person and that's about it not even shrek got development speaking of which holy [ __ ] the retconning I knew to expect some but this was wild Anakin's lightsaber fixed Kyla's mask repaired general Hux [ __ ] punted and replaced with his old self shrek heated out of this script in a heartbeat Luke being a coward admitted mistake Luke throwing his lightsaber admittedly disrespectful Finn sacrificing himself without a person to stop him and being successful sorted Rey's lineage well she's not no one anymore is she she's a creamy sheev Palpatine is JJ aware of how many [ __ ] video essays he just made obsolete thousands of videos celebrating Ryan's masterpiece are now inaccurate to say the least not that they weren't before and [ __ ] me whether or not it contradicted Ryan's abortion I cannot help but cackle as this fiery coffin of a trilogy plummets further into the sludgy annals of schizophrenic script hell that should have been made illegal well before release though I suppose it should be said that JJ tried he tried to give our main cast an adventure together he tried to give Rey the training everybody wanted to see he tried to show her fail he even killed her despite it being temporary because hey the plot isn't gonna let a MarySue die now is it well there's a bunch of concessions there JJ a couple of Ryan retcons and a couple of things to make up for what lacked in this trilogy it's a selection of things I'm sure you figured people would have wanted well too little too late you Hobgoblin [ __ ] when you try to pander to literally everyone except here J fans you end up pandering to no one door movie Robert for some reason like it's clear from the whole resurrecting thing that they do throughout this that JJ wanted everything he wanted everyone to survive but to also have a bunch of dramatic death scenes he wanted 1,000 times the scale for the bad guys and the good guys because he watched it an Avengers end game and that's how you end a big story he wanted a plot that took us galaxies trotting meeting all kinds of colorful characters and why did that happen because they needed to fetch a thing that we've never heard of or seen before packed with throwaway lines to attempt to excuse this defiled wretch of a story I think the saddest moment for me was watching Chewbacca be told that not only are Han and Luke dead but as of returning to base Leia is dead too all of them are dead all of it is [ __ ] dead thank goodness reh Palpatine made it though while walking into that duel [ __ ] sunset I guess if I was being kind I would mention that I actually thought c-3po killed it in this movie I smoked at a couple of his lines and I actually cared about the idea of him being placed in a situation where he agrees to sacrifice himself to save his friends based on the odds of survival despite being a more cowardly character but the mechanics of how that came to be made no sense at all they didn't earn it and the fact that our 2d2 have been backing up his memory kind of implies that his wife during Revenge of the Sith is now a bit of a shaky point as well I like Babu Frick that little [ __ ] the soundtrack was neat if not essentially throwing everything in the saga together I liked watching Lando and Chewie meet up and hug that was nice the visuals were pretty stunning as expected though the editing and the pacing what shoppi is [ __ ] and they nearly killed me the actors did a fine job with what they were given and I had quite a few laughs intended or not you know what yeah this was a masterpiece and any of those haters those man babies out there who are hating on the film because they are purely hateful sexist all because the story subverted their hateful expectations all because they missed the deeper themes because of their hatred but missed no opportunity to suck their own dick oh those awful people who incite harassment based on innocent cast and crew members [ __ ] those man children specifically the force awakens attempted to retcon the original trilogy the last Jedi attempted to retcon the force awakens and the original trilogy the rise of Skywalker attempts to retcon just about everything Lucasfilm has no [ __ ] clue what they're doing no one there respects the IP or the process of writing in these films and as a result we have a worthless trilogy that can honestly be watched without the last Jedi now like if you pretend that Snoke and Luke had heart attacks from TFA everything plays out except of course for all the damage that's been dealt to those wonderful movies set in a galaxy far far away as if it wasn't enough to assassinate Han as if it wasn't enough to a sassanid Luke you had to rip the victory of Anakin Skywalker right out of his hands that fool didn't kill the Emperor Anakin didn't bring balance to the force because Palpatine never died Anakin didn't save the galaxy because the first order rose not long after Palpatine survived Anakin didn't end the war and save those heroes of this will because they all ended up humiliated and/or dead they didn't win at the end of that movie if anything you could skip the OT because it's mostly inconsequential to the greater saga of Ray vs Palpatine and none of these [ __ ] characters behave like themselves anyway that is the legacy of Disney Star Wars the [ __ ] Undertaker's of a cinematic wonder the copycats who came in late to pick at the leftovers of something great without ever understanding how it got there get [ __ ] you hollow money-grubbing [ __ ] thanks for watching folks I guess I'll see you next time [Laughter] [Music] you I'm Peter by the way rice toluca made-up names um I'm spider-man then

Channel: MauLer

Views: 6,167,608

Rating: 4.8119373 out of 5

Keywords: Rant, Rage, spoilers, discussion, the, Star, wars, Disney, Luke, Skywalker, movies, films, daisy, ridley, rian, johnson, john, boyega, adam, driver, carrie, fisher, hamill, episode 8, Kylo, Ren, rey, snoke, Lucas, Film, review, Angry, lore, George, Rebels, Empire, Dies, Death, terrible, worst, awful, Yoda, Isaac, Dombhall, Gleeson, Gwendoline, Christie, Andy, Serkis, Laura, Dern, Benicio, Phasma, rise, skywalker, of, TRoS, IX, Keri, Russel, breakdown

Id: 0528-TlRODI

Length: 120min 54sec (7254 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 08 2020

Reddit Comments

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[u/Hylian-Highwind]

I wonder if the Palpatine thumbnail's "Please Don't" reference is to Disney for making this mess, or to MauLer about to rip it to pieces.

[u/BurdonLane]

MauLer drinking game:

‘What are you doing, film?’

‘I’m not joking, this is actually something that happens in this movie’.

‘Someone actually wrote this’.

‘I cannot believe...oh fuck it’.

‘Well done, that’s wonderful, thank you. I guess.’

[u/Valiant_Steed]

More excited to see this unbridled rage than I was for the film itself.

[u/WingedGundark]

My goodness. I watched the first hour or so of the review and I am so glad that I decided to skip that turd of a movie. Scenes Mauler displays on the review are more ridicilous than I could ever imagine and I am 100% positive that I would've left the theatre midst the movie.

TRoS looks hilarious, which probably wasn't the intent here. Just based on this review, I really can't say which is worse as a standalone movie, this or TLJ. Not counting the destruction TLJ created, TRoS writing looks so fucking amateurish and bad, like it was made by couple of twelwe year olds making their first fan fiction home movie, so it might even take the cake.

This is incredible. Thank you Disney! /s

[u/AnakinIsTheChosen1]

John Boyega and Oscar Isaac, don't you ever change.

[u/noblefjn]

Mauler is unironically one of the best things to come out of the sequel trilogy

[u/-Bullet_Magnet-]

McMuffin :')

/

Later, a shot of JJ: What kind of writing is this?? You absolute skunk fume :') :')

/

Edit: Just finished watching the whole thing. Man, that was so goddamn funny and so true.. thnx!

I really wish I had a list of all the name-callings, my coffee is now all over the place :')

Why the fuck is BB-8 there even with you??? He is Poe's fucking droid, you greedy cow!!

[u/ringkun]

His force awakens review will never be finished at this rate