- When we bought the bed, the guy at my furniture
store said that they could pick up and remove my
old mattress for free. I told him that's okay. (Adam snickers) Yeah I can deflate it myself. (audience laughing) - My wife and I always sleep
on a memory foam mattress. That's what we sleep on. Anyone else here rocking
the memory foam mattress? It's the best mattress in the world! It's the most comfortable, is it not? It's the best. That mattress is made for sleeping and sleeping only. (audience laughing) Don't do anything else on that mattress. It was not created for that. (audience laughing) That is not why scientists came together. It was made for resting comfortably and that is it. (audience laughing) I know, cause we've tried,
and it sucks every time. It's like trying to wrestle in quicksand. It is the worst. You just start sinking in slowly. (audience laughing) (audience laughing) Stay calm! Stay calm! Just try to get your
leg out. Just breathe. Keep your eyes open. (audience laughing) Keep your eyes on the horizon.
Try to get your leg out. Get your leg out. I'm
going to get some help. Jessica! We need some help. (audience laughing) But she can't help. She just stands on our backs
and pushes us in further! (audience laughing) So silly. That's a high dollar mattress,
that memory foam mattress. I don't make high dollar mattress money. This is how we got that mattress, my mother-in-law who lives
in Palm Springs, California, and an old guy died out there, we got his memory foam mattress. That's how that worked. (Zolton laughing) It was the circle of life on mattresses. (audience laughing) Don't worry, it wasn't creepy. Like he never, he bought it, never had time to set it up. And then he passed away. So it's not like I'm sleeping
in someone else's memories. (audience laughing) - It's like, oh, he never
got to go to France. Like. (Zolton and audience laughing) Like it's not like that.
So it wasn't that bad. - When I moved to New York, I had to get a new mattress
and that's a unique shopping experience, because you actually
lay down to test it out. They're like, what do you think? I think it's weird that you're here. (audience laughing) If I'm really gonna get a test run, I'm gonna need to get
naked and eat Chipotle. (audience laughing) Do you have New Girl on Hulu? (audience laughing) (audience laughing) And she wanted to show me a different bed than the one I was testing. She goes, let me show
you our most popular one. And you'll never guess,
but it costs more money. And she goes, you'll never
want to leave this bed. Yeah, isn't that called depression? (audience laughing) I've never had a tough
time staying in bed. And I hate how they sell you on the investment of a mattress. So like, oh, it's such a good investment. An investment is something
that goes up in value. (audience laughing) I've never heard of anybody making a fortune flipping mattresses. (audience laughing) But they try to logic you. They're like you spend
eight hours a night, that's a third of your life. Wouldn't you want to invest
in a third of your life? Well, you can't apply time to money. Then, it'd be like, you spend more time in your socks than in your house. (audience laughing) Wouldn't you want to drop a hundred grand on some nice socks? (audience laughing) Invest in half your life. Get some socks that
massage your feet all day. I was thinking about it
and why aren't there socks that massage our feet all day? (audience laughing) That actually does sound
like a good investment. (Joe and audience laughing) - I got a little bit of a tax
refund last year and I bet everybody else here is
like I got a little what? A little bit, a little bit. More than I usually get though. So that was good. Got a little refund. My wife and I decided to treat
ourselves to something we've needed for awhile, said to
get ourselves a new bed. (audience member cheers) Yeah, we decided to go big
this time around, yeah. California king. Yeah. Cause we decided we wanted
to sleep in the same bed. (audience laughs) Technically. You know, we want to be
able to tell our friends we're sleeping in the same bed, while never touching or seeing each other! (audience laughing) California king works great.
I haven't seen her in weeks. (audience laughs) I hear her though, that
C-PAP machine, it buzzes. And you can roll away,
but you can't hide when you got that app now. (Adam and audience laughing) I will hear you and I will find you. When we bought the bed, the guy at my furniture
store said that they could pick up and remove my
old mattress for free. I told him that's okay. (Adam snickers) I can deflate it myself. (audience laughing) Don't you bust your hump
on my account, good man. This thing right here, we
call this the labor saver. (audience laughing) Do a Cannonball into those things, all the air goes shooting out. (audience laughing) - There's some mattress, mattress firm, mattress something, not
some mattress store, running an ad right now telling me you can finance a mattress over 48 months. (audience giggles) If it takes you four years
to pay off a mattress, you can't afford a mattress. (audience laughing) If it takes you four years
to pay off a mattress, nothing will help you sleep better. (audience laughing) You want to sleep better? Get a career where you
can afford a mattress. (audience laughing) And how do the entire
mattress industry decide, from coast to coast, the only way we can move this product is to
get a tattooed meth-head out on the sidewalk with a sign and spin that thing around a few times. (audience laughing) A mattress is not an impulse buy. You have never been driving
home from work, and went, (snaps) I got to get a mattress on my way home. (audience laughing) You know what? Every time I see that guy on the sidewalk, you
know what I'm thinking? That's the owner's nephew. (audience laughing) He told his sister, I'll give him a job, but he's not coming in the store. (audience laughing) - And the truth be known, that's all we do in our
bed anymore anyways is eat. (audience laughing) Really, we bought a select comfort bed, I don't know if you're familiar with it, But each side of the
bed has its own number. The higher the number,
the harder the mattress. My side of the bed, 100. Marble slab. That's it. (audience laughing) Tammy's number is two. First night she laid
on her side of the bed she literally disappeared from my view. (audience laughing) Mattress wrapped around
her like a flour tortilla. (audience laughing) Poor thing was sleeping in a
fajita on her side of the bed. So I rolled over to kiss her goodnight. I fall into a ditch. I can't
get out of. I'm laying there... She's going, get off of me!
What are you doing over here? Get off of me! By the way, if you're a newlywed, that's the sound of 32
years of love right there. (audience laughing) Yeah! Yes! You're on my hair.
You haven't shaved. Your breath smells. Stop touching me! Ahh! Don't get me wrong. We
still try to get romantic. We just save it for special holidays now. Turns out Tammy's favorite is leap year. (audience laughing) Yeah. Yeah. I didn't even know that was a holiday. I really didn't. I'll dim the lights and put on some Sade and Tammy says, wow, has it been four years already? (audience laughing) Alright, I'll get the good flannel and the hunting socks on tonight. (audience laughing) Nah, we're married. We try, we just, we just know how much time
and energy it actually takes, and we prefer to watch law and order. That's just, just the way it's worked out. My wife falls asleep
at 9:15pm every night. You could set a watch by her by, 9:10pm, you look at her on the
couch in our living room, it's like a gas leak goes off. (audience laughing) Sweetheart, maybe you should go to bed. I'm fine! I'm fine! I'm fine! (audience laughing) What are you, a five-year old? Quick fighting it, just go to bed. (audience laughing) Can you be quiet? This
is my favorite show. (audience laughing) - I do love my wife though. Like I've taking her to shows with me. Like I didn't bring her
out here, she can't handle all this glamour, but
I've taken her shows. (audience laughing) This is beautiful. I love it. But she, look, she, I took her with me to a show
where there's, they have like, it's a couples resort, all right? Like they have these couples resorts. I don't know if anybody
knows what I'm talking about. Like the whole place is
about romance. Everything there is about women. You've
been married for a long time. You go to get the romance
back, just a short time. You're gonna be really
romantic, all right? And every room is about romance. Like every room has a round bed. They have a round bed!
I didn't even know round beds were real before I got there. (audience laughing) I thought it was like unicorns. Like you're never gonna
see a real round bed. (audience laughing) I don't even know where
you get round beds. I've been to mattress stores.
There's no round bed section. (audience laughing) But they have round beds there, because you're there to be romantic. And on a round bed, you
have to be romantic. Have to be romantic on a round
bed because you have to sleep in the middle together on a round bed. (audience laughing) You can't pick a side of the bed. If you go to your side of the
bed, you fall off the bed. (audience laughing) Ha, ha, ha! Romance over, my back hurts. (audience laughing) - I went out with another
guy, and five dates went out on, and he invited me over to his apartment to make supper. So I go over and I hear this
weird noise in the other room. He goes in the other room
and it's like this weird, "wehh, wehh, wehh." So I poke my head in. I'm
looking to see what he's doing. He's inflating an inflatable mattress. I'm like, okay. So now I know on date one
or two, I need to ask, do you have a mattress?
And, is it inflatable? (audience laughing) Cause that's a deal breaker for me. But I feel like he should have asked, hey, do you like to sleep on square balloons? I said, no. Namaste. (audience laughing) Good luck with your journey. - Apparently, it was wrong of me to go shopping for a bed at Bed, Bath & Beyond. (audience laughing) See, the women are laughing and the guys are going, what? Bed Bath & Beyond does not sell beds. (audience laughing) I felt like an idiot! Umm excuse me, where are your beds? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We don't sell beds here
at Bed Bath & Beyond. (audience laughing) This is the first word in the title! They've gone so far beyond, that they no longer sell beds. And I realized they're not the
only place that are doing it. Other places are doing it too. I went to Kohl's, not a lump. (audience clapping and laughing) You can't even get a partition at Walmart. (audience laughing) You can't get a chili at Chili's, let alone multiple chilies. Domino's sells pizza! (audience laughing) I went into Marie Callender's. (audience laughing) I bought a fish at PetSmart. No, you should have named that thing, Bait. (audience laughing) Stupid. It's all kinds
of stores like that. In California, we have
Chick's Sporting Goods. I went in there, there
wasn't a woman in the place! (audience laughing) In fact there were so
few women at Chick's, they were bought out by Dick's, and that's not what I'm shopping for. (audience laughing and cheering) (audience laughing and cheering) (faint chatter) - It's a good thing,
marriage. It's a good thing. This year for our
anniversary, we decided to get that, a, big, a, get a
communal gift to each other. We got that big Tempur-Pedic bed. Anyone know that $9,000 sponge! It's a fabulous bed. It is fabulous. It's very deep spongy. Just, relax and sleep
in and, and you know, you sink in cause it's a sponge and, and we're very tall people. So we got that California king. It's so great, cause he is like way over there. He is, he's so far away from me. It's fabulous. And to get to
me, he's like gotta rollover, dig out, roll over, dig
out, roll over, dig out. He's exhausted by the time he gets to me. (audience laughing) Oh my goodness, it's fabulous! Put the big body pillow between us. He cannot reach me at all. (audience laughing) And you're probably like, I don't understand why
she, I don't get it. Why doesn't she want him to touch her? (audience laughing) No, it's 30 years of love. 30 years. 30 years of love. - I was in a hotel recently! They had one of those
memory foam mattresses. You know the ones you sink into it. It remembers your shape. Very comfortable mattress.
I do not recommend it, if you already have self-esteem
issues about your body. (audience laughing) - Cause the last thing you
want to see, first thing in the morning, is that giant crater you left in the memory foam. (audience laughing) It's no way to start the day. It's not any better than
skinny people. I wake up, looks like a Halloween
decoration was laying there. (audience laughing) I'm like, "Oh man, I can see my rib cage. That's not healthy. I
should start doing pushups." - People tell you stupid ways to keep safe when the tornado comes. They
go, "Get in the bathtub. Pull the mattress over you." I had a neighbor almost died doing that! He had a water bed. (audience laughing) And a really nice barbecue
grill at one time. (audience laughing) - I moved out here from New York. I moved to LA from New York. I think I was the only person
who moved from New York to LA, into a smaller apartment,
than I was in before. My place in New York was pretty small. My place in LA is, maybe, 200 feet. I don't think it's square feet. (audience laughing) I know, I think it's just 200 feet. I think I've been living in
some guy's hallway for the past four years. And he's just
been really polite about it. (audience laughing) I may live in a panic room. I have, have you ever
lived in that small of an apartment with the
roommate? My, my wife and I, when we get in an argument we're so close, It feels like we're fighting
inside of an Ikea display. (audience laughing) Because like in a normal
apartment or a house you can like, slam a door if you're angry,
kick over a chair, you know, for emphasis. We don't have any furniture, and we have one door and
you don't wanna just leave. So the other day we were,
we were having an argument. I was like, you did what? But then all I could do to punctuate it, was just kneel down, and just
to fight our air mattress. (audience laughing) I was like, all right, I'm leaving! (Psstttttt) This is going to take me about 30 minutes. If you could just pull from that end, I'm really, really mad. (audience laughing) I'm going to take the pump with me. (audience laughing) You're not going to believe
this, but it's absolutely true. My shower's in my kitchen. That's how they laid out the apartment. It's stove, shower, there's
no counter space in between. It's just stove, shower.
It's really dangerous. (audience laughing) It's all kinds of fire hazards. But I was looking at the apartment, and I asked the landlord
about it. He's like, this is, this is, the, he's like, well,
it's a pre-war apartment. It's pre-war! People are
building codes and laws and rules back when people could do
what they want. And I'm like, all right, but that's
what they wanted to do? You could do anything creatively, and you put a shower in next to the stove. That's a weird generation,
that greatest generation. (audience laughing) It's like your grandfather
stormed the beach at Normandy. He was a brave man. He also
had to poop in the oven. He was a strange guy. (audience laughing) - Who has the kids? Who? Whose? Oh, kids! Kids! How many kids? Two kids. Oh, that's good, sir. Did you know that? Kids... two, two is good. You gotta have a backup. (audience laughing) Well, I don't have any kids, but I know that kids are like cats. So there's a good chance,
you get a crazy one. (audience laughing) Both of you know which one it is now. Come on now. (audience laughing) I won't make you say. (audience laughing) I don't have any kids, I like sleeping. (faint laughter) People show me pictures of their kids. I show them pictures of places I sleep. Just to rub it in. That's your son? That's my Tempur-Pedic
mattress, look at him. (audience laughing) I sleep 10 hours in a row, sometimes. (audience laughing) - The thing is when I get out of bed, I can't get back in
because as soon as I leave, Patty, she, she starts
acquiring territory. (audience laughing) You know, she's very aggressive. You know, it's just like Putin, you know. (audience laughing) Soon as I leave. Oh, no one is looking. This is mine, the Ukraine, (mumbling) Oh look, memory foam
outline, my new Republic. (audience laughing) I have to squeeze in without, you know, find my own little countries somewhere. And I can't, it's like
that old game operation. If I graze her thigh
her nose goes, "Errr!" (audience laughing) - [Jason] And I don't
get away with anything, because she wears the, the little Fitbit. Yeah. You have the Fitbit? - [Man in Audience] Yeah! Yeah. It not only tracks your, your steps, but your restless cycles at night. So every time the watch
lights up, I'm like, great. Now that's on my record. (audience laughing) - It's good to be here. I'm
staying at a very nice hotel. I don't wanna brag. I got a pretty good memory foam
mattress at the hotel. Yeah. (audience cheering) Yeah. If you people don't know
a memory foam mattress is a mattress that lets you
know exactly how fat you are. (audience laughing) That's right. Added bonus at the hotel. Exactly how fat the person was the night before, we were there. (audience laughing) And believe it or not, it's always good when they
are bigger than you, kind of nestled in that crevice. (audience laughing) It doesn't feel so lonely. (audience laughing) - The wife and I just bought a new Tempur-Pedic mattress, recently. Yeah. Because she likes
to drink wine in bed. And I love to jump up and down. (audience laughing) It used to be a huge problem, (audience laughing) but not anymore, thank goodness.
