That's a really, really nice round of applause, but yeah, I gotta be honest with you, it always feels weird to me to get applause just for you know, showing up for work. (audience laughing) I genuinely appreciate it, but it's just I haven't really done anything. You know to me . . . it would be kind of like, you know getting on a plane and clapping for the pilot 'cause he took off. (audience laughing) Whenever I have to fly somewhere my wife always says, "Have a safe flight." And I always say, well, it's not my call. (audience laughing) I'll mention it to the pilot when I swing by the cockpit on the way to the back of the plane. By the way, I think I know people who in first class, you know pay more money to get first-class, but I think the airline should allow people in coach to at least board the plane first, you know? - [Woman] Yay. - Exactly, 'cause if you're flying coach you know, there are people doing better in life. (audience laughing) I just don't think we should have to look at them right before we go on vacation. (audience clapping) You know, it's a buzz kill. Yeah. (audience laughing) Now, speaking of travel, people think everybody I talk to about comedy and so forth most people think the hardest thing about being a comedian is getting up on stage in front of an audience, and that might be the case for some folks, but you know, not me. I've always loved being the center of attention no matter where I go. That's why funerals have always been a little harder for me. (audience laughing) I'm not proud of that, trust me I, just incredibly insecure, very desperate for attention, so I don't wanna hear about somebody else for an hour. (audience laughing) "You know, Bill was a good man." Yeah well Bill didn't take off work today. (audience laughing) I know that's a dark joke (audience laughing) and karma is real 'cause my eight year old daughter Skylar is just like me and that's why I don't like her to be honest with you. (audience laughing) She's the best, but she is like me. She loves being the center of attention. In fact, she was actually upset when we told her she was gonna have a little sister a couple of years ago. Four years old, she was depressed and I said, well, honey, now you know how I felt when you got here. (audience laughing) Our plan, my wife and I, our plan was to have one child if we were lucky enough to have one, but then after we had one we were like, we both decided that we, well we both wanted to have a favorite, so. (audience laughing) Well, what I was gonna say was the hardest part about being a comedian, for me personally, just being away from home. I got a wonderful wife, we have beautiful kids. I used to love flying, but now everything bothers me about flying 'cause I'm away from home, so now everything gets on my nerves. Even the emergency row bothers me and I used to love the emergency row on a plane 'cause you get all that room. You don't have to do anything and I realized what bothers me about the emergency row now is that I think if you're in the emergency row and they ask you if you're willing and able to help out in the event of an emergency I think you should be able to, you know look around at the people you might have to help before you give your answer. (audience laughing) Look, I don't care where you're from, what your beliefs are. I think we all can agree that some people just aren't worth saving. (audience laughing) You ever wonder what's the worst they could do, if something goes wrong and you don't hang around to keep your promise? (audience laughing) Call you a liar while you're surviving? (audience laughing) "You said you'd help us." And you said we'd land safely, good luck. (audience laughing) I also think that people that work airport security should look better, when you think about all the health and beauty products they take away. (audience laughing) Hey, before you throw my aftershave in the garbage why don't you slap some on yourself, lady. (audience laughing) I'm just... I'm still upset 'cause I I'm still upset cause I had a corkscrew taken away from me in an airport years ago and by the way, I don't always travel with a corkscrew. I have a lot of problems, but that's not one of them. (audience laughing) It was a wedding gift. I was going to go flying out to Los Angeles for a wedding, and I had a corkscrew. It was a wedding gift, it was in my carry on. I didn't think it was an issue, apparently it was, and the guy took it and first of all, he looked at me like he caught me. As if a corkscrew would be my weapon of choice if I wanted to . . . (audience laughing) and then what really got me was he said, "What's this for?" (audience laughing) I said, I'm constipated. (audience laughing) I knew he was gonna take it. (audience laughing) I had a couple of jobs before this job. I wasn't very good at any of them, to be honest with you. That's why, whenever somebody asks me about comedy and that they'll ask me what it takes to get into comedy, I guess well, you know, it helps if you can't do anything else. (audience laughing) It's a big part of it. The first real job I had was in the hardware department at Sears. I was 18 years old, it was my first real job, and our biggest tool was me, I (audience laughing) didn't know anything. I had no business selling power tools. I didn't know anything. In fact, I'll give you an example about how bad my product knowledge was. I actually thought peat moss, was an employee. (audience laughing) Apparently you guys don't know what it is either I could tell. (audience laughing) I found out later in my defense that peat moss was actually a lawn and garden product when I was over in hardware but I still should've known, but I just didn't put two and two together and sure enough a woman walks up and I can still picture this woman. This is 30 years ago and this woman comes in, "Where can I find peat moss?" And I'm like, uh. (audience laughing) I think he's off. I... (audience laughing) I haven't heard Pete's name today. (audience laughing) 30 years, she's probably still standing there like. (audience laughing) Then I tried being a car salesman for a couple of years. That's a good job. If you have any self-esteem that you wanna get rid of. (audience laughing) I didn't... I hated that job. I think you can tell how you feel about your job by how much money you spend on lottery tickets. (audience laughing) I didn't like that job. I didn't like my boss either and I was actually, I was tempted to get my boss the old take this job and shove it speech but I was quitting so I could try to be a comedian and I was afraid if it didn't go well and you know, someday I'd have to give them the, hey, is there any chance you didn't shove that job yet? (audience laughing) And if you did, how far up there is it? (audience laughing) Is there any chance I can help you pull it out speech? (audience laughing) 'cause I have a corkscrew . . . (audience laughing) but that was almost 21 years ago and I've been doing standup ever since, it was tough in the beginning, but I'm so glad I stuck with it. Here's the reality, I never would have met my wife if I didn't stick with it. I was working on a cruise ship when my wife and I met and she was a pirate and . . . (audience laughing) Cruise ships were actually a lot like this Drybar comedy, 'cause you have to be clean. You have to be able to make people laugh without cursing without being dirty and I'll be honest with you, I live in New Jersey right next to New York. I know a lot of comedians in the New York area and they would love to play in a venue like this but they can't because you know they can't be funny without being dirty and they'll, so they'll say things to me like, "Well, don't you care about "your artistic freedom?" And I'll say things like, No. (audience laughing) Never really gave it much thought to be honest with you. (audience laughing) One guy actually said, "What about freedom of speech?" I said, look, I'm married. I gave that up a long time ago. (audience clapping) By the way, my wife and I both talk a lot and we're . . . It's 50, 50. The problem I have with my wife, when it comes to talking my wife will cut me off when I start talking. (audience laughing) And she will go, "I thought you were done." (audience laughing) And I'll go, what part of, hey, you'll never believe what just happened, (audience laughing) makes it sound like I'm wrapping it up? (audience laughing) Cruise ships are great and aside from meeting my wife, the best thing about being an entertainer on a cruise ship is you don't really have to worry about being discovered. (audience laughing) One of the nice things about working in a comedy club on land is if the show doesn't go well you can leave. (audience laughing) Not out there. (audience laughing) One of the worst shows I've ever had, was one of the first cruise ships I've ever worked on. It went to Alaska and let me preface this section by saying, I don't know how old you are and I don't really care how old you are and I hope you don't care how old you are 'cause we always focus on things and put us in bad moods and I know that getting older is a sensitive subject so if there's anyone here who, you know wants to feel young again, go to Alaska, yeah. You're gonna feel like an embryo. I'm telling you. (audience laughing) I couldn't believe how old some of the people on the ship were. I even thought the captain's last name was Reaper. (audience laughing) I couldn't tell who were passengers and who were statues you know. (audience laughing) There was an activity called hang in there it's almost over. (audience laughing) People were going up to the front desk like, "Hey, can I get an upgrade?" and they're like, "Ooh, "check back in an hour." Okay, all right. (audience laughing) That was too far. I pushed it, I thought I had you. (audience laughing) By the way, if you wanna feel bad for anybody feel bad for me, 'cause I was bombing. If there was a plank, I would've walked it. That's how bad it was. I even had a guy in a wheelchair walk out on me. (audience laughing) I'm not exaggerating. He rolled out on me technically, but it's still... We call it a walkout and that's something you have to make peace with, if you're an entertainer you have to be okay with somebody just not liking your show and getting up and leaving. And you make peace with it after a while but you know, when it takes a guy, 19, 20 minutes to leave. (audience laughing) One guy actually yelled at me as he left. Said something about, "I'm going to complain about you." Well, luckily he died before he actually got all the way . . . (audience laughing) That was way too far on that one. I know, I can tell and by the way I should tell you I tried to, I've tried to kind of block this awful memory out, 'cause the show was so bad. The only thing I remember was the spotlight, gave off such a bright light that passengers were walking towards it. (audience laughing) Okay, I should say I'm telling you these jokes for a reason because I was telling jokes like this, you know I was trying to just drive out there. It was really not doing well and a woman didn't like these kinds of jokes and so she came up to me after the show. She said, "You shouldn't "make fun of old people. "I bet you don't make fun of "black people or gay people." And I said, well, first of all I'm pretty sure they get old too. (audience laughing) I'm pretty sure, I mean (audience laughing) and I said, second of all, I said, I make fun of everybody and if I don't, that would be a form of segregation. (audience laughing) and I won't do it, but then I felt bad. so I said, look, do you really think you're gonna remember anything I said here? (audience laughing) By the way, I'm 49 by the way. If you ever notice, by the time you finally reach that point in your life where you're actually comfortable in your own skin, your skin looks terrible. (audience laughing) It's one of the many ironies of life. The older you get, you know, you feel good on the inside, but on the outside, not so much. You know it's getting close to closing time on your looks. The first time you go to bed early you get a good night's sleep and then next morning somebody sees you and goes, "Woo, rough night huh?" (audience laughing) You know, the irony for me personally, I don't know about you, but when I was a kid, I actually wanted to look older. I even tried to look older. I wore a colostomy bag in Junior High School (audience laughing) but you have to be positive in life. In all sincerity you do, you gotta find the bright side in things that don't look bright and getting older, I've noticed that, you really gotta be optimistic and see the good things and the bad things and for example, as you get older, one of the nice things about getting older is that when you're when your looks do start to go, usually happens right around the time your vision starts to go, so . . . (audience laughing) Even if you're not aging well, you don't know. (audience laughing) I knew exactly where I was and what I was doing when my vision was starting to go a few years ago. I was in a, I was in the kitchen of our house back in New Jersey and I was trying to read the cooking instructions on a microwave burrito and I couldn't, I couldn't make it out. I'm just in the middle of the kitchen. I'm like . . . (audience laughing) and my wife sees me struggling to read this thing so she comes in for the rescue and says, "burrito." (audience laughing) I said, did you really think, I didn't know what this was? (audience laughing) "I don't know, you're staring at it." (audience laughing) We lived in New York city when we started dating and, but we both thought it was a little too quiet a little too safe and way too affordable. (audience laughing) I couldn't believe how expensive it was. Even the people that ask you for money in New York are more expensive. Just in case you go, you'd give a guy a $5 bill. "No, it's 7.50." (audience laughing) and I can still remember one guy, he asked me for money and I wanted to help him out. The problem was he was talking to me like I was somehow behind on a few payments. (audience laughing) like a disheveled loan shark shaking me down. (audience laughing) "You got some money for me?" I don't know, you got some people skills for me? (audience laughing) "I go to bed hungry." I said, well go to bed earlier. (audience laughing) You know, the worst part of seeing somebody struggling is you actually become immune to it wherever you live, you know? and as far as New York city, you know, you've reached that point, the first time you see somebody sleeping on a sidewalk in the middle of the day and you think, "Man I wish I can fall into "a deep sleep like that." (audience laughing) Is that a Tempur-Pedic sidewalk? Look at this guy. (audience laughing) My wife and I have a noise machine but it's a white noise machine so it just yells racist crap all night. (audience laughing) Well, it's supposed to help you relax. (audience laughing) I don't know how anybody falls asleep to that really mean, yucky, nasty, why don't you Asians, go back to Africa. (audience laughing) Well, that doesn't even make sense? (audience laughing) My wife is from Hong Kong, by the way. That's where my wife is from. My wife's maiden name is interesting to me because it's spelled C-H-U, but it's pronounced "Malcontent." (audience laughing) Okay, I got to break the fourth wall. My wife is . . . I love my wife. I've never been happier but I'm a comedian and that's not really funny so I'd rather just, you know, make fun of her and talk about the problems we do have if that's okay (audience laughing) and I'm not saying that because we're here at Drybar. A year ago I was doing a show back in Pennsylvania close to where we live and a woman in the middle of my show yells out, "You shouldn't "make fun of your wife." And I said, okay, how about I tell you how wonderful she is and we'll see how many laughs I get (audience laughing) and she got quiet until the ride home. (audience clapping) My wife is . . . amazing and by the way, the hardest part about being a comedian as I said is being away from home. But the hardest thing about being home for me is not acting like this. (audience laughing) I'm the same guy at home. I don't go home and start making balloon animals. (audience laughing) This is it right here. This, my poor wife will say something like, "You know, I wish I could "be more spontaneous." And I'll say, well, make me a sandwich, out of nowhere. (audience laughing) "I wish we had cathedral ceilings." Well, take the legs off the furniture. (audience laughing) "I want a Coach bag." Well, let's get you a knock off and you can tell your friends it's the assistant coach. (audience laughing) Sorry ladies, any purse that costs $900 should have $850 in it. (audience laughing) I couldn't even be serious when we were talking about having children because my wife wanted to use a midwife and I said, honey, do you really wanna have a woman come into our house start complaining and just quit halfway through? (audience laughing) It's either you are full wife or no wife, none of this in between. (audience laughing) Sometimes just watching a movie is hard for me. One night, my wife and I were watching a movie about it. It was about a married couple. and it was kind of like a thriller movie and the woman left her husband. No warning, just left the guy couldn't handle it ends up stalking his now ex-wife and my wife is pretty funny too, 'cause she said, "You wouldn't stalk me "if I ever left you, would you?" and I said, honey I don't pay attention to you now. (audience laughing) What makes you think I'm gonna sit in the bushes If we break up, I mean? (audience laughing) You're right in front of me and I'm losing focus. (audience laughing) My wife just rolled her eyes. By the way, I have to be honest. I actually did try to stalk an ex-girlfriend when I was in College, but I was so bored I knocked on her door (audience laughing) and then I said, listen, I'm gonna take off. (audience laughing) I tried to be romantic exactly one time in our 15 years and I'll never try it again. It was early in our relationship and I thought it was Valentine's day and I tried to . . . I thought she would like the fact that I tried to sing to her and actually I'm not a good singer but I thought she would appreciate the fact that I was trying to sing but she cut me off, halfway in cut me off. "Okay." (audience laughing) Still 49 bottles of beer, (audience laughing) up on that wall (audience laughing) and I've always heard women say, "Oh, I love a man "with a sense of humor." And I'll be honest, it's never made sense to me only because I don't think men and women have the same type of sense of humor and what I mean is, my wife and I really get along very well. We both love to laugh, but we don't always think the same types of things are funny. For example, a couple years ago on Valentine's day I thought it would be funny if I left a trail of rose pedals to our vacuum. Now . . . (audience laughing) most of... in fact, my sense of humor is easily the leading cause of most of our arguments and we have very different styles of arguing too and it's a reflection of our education levels. School was hard for me. I had that learning disorder where you don't care. (audience laughing) It's a nasty disorder. It attacks your ability to make more than $35,000 a year. (audience laughing) You have to jump on it early. Otherwise you could spend years at a two-year school. (audience laughing) I went to a two year school and dropped out after one year which is kind quitting Tee-ball. You think the ball is coming at you too fast. (audience laughing) It wasn't even a good school either. Our school slogan was the word "hope" with a line through it, (audience laughing) but the good news is a couple of years ago, I finally paid off the $600 student loan. (audience laughing) Now my wife, complete opposite, master's degree. My wife, got a master's she went to school for industrial psychology, which is impressive, but I think archeology would have been a better choice because like most women, she loves to dig up crap from the past. (audience laughing) Okay, all right. Thank you for... I see a couple of women smiling it's just . . . Thank you. My wife heard that joke for the first time and she goes, "Okay, okay, that's a good joke, "but I don't dig up "crap from the past. "in fact two years ago, "we talked about it." (audience laughing) We really do sound different when we argue because she really has a master's. I really dropped out of a two year school so basically we sound like a lawyer and a third grader, when we argue. (audience laughing) My wife will call witnesses and introduce evidence and do a re-enactment of what I did wrong and explain why it was wrong and I'll wait for her to wrap up and go . . . (murmurs) (audience laughing) and by the way that's exactly what you should do the next time somebody is being obnoxious. If somebody is trying to show up don't panic and think you have to come up with something clever 'cause nothing you can come up with is as verbally devastating as (murmurs) (audience laughing) You want the last word that's it. (audience laughing) I mean, my wife and I have argued about just bizarre subjects. Most of them are my fault. One time we had an argument because of the word bagpipes. Literally the word bagpipe started an argument because . . . It's a true story. We have a bag of ice. And one night I said, Honey, can you get me the bag of ice? She thought I said, bagpipes. That's all it took from me. My wife said, "Did you say get the bagpipes?" (audience laughing) And I went, Yeah. (audience laughing) Go get the bagpipes you've never seen me play. (audience laughing) In fact why don't you grab my kilt while you're at it too. (audience laughing) I wanna go check on our sheep after dinner. (audience laughing) My wife was furious. "You're an idiot." (murmurs) (audience laughing) We had an argument about politics one night. It wasn't about politics. We were just talking. It was more of a husband and wife argument. 'cause my wife said, this is going back a long time. She said, you know, "I think we'll elect a woman "president at some point." And she goes, "And by the way, "when we do, "we're not gonna go to war." I said, honey we'll still go to war, just the other country will have no idea what it did wrong. (audience laughing) I appreciate you guys laughing. You guys are an amazing audience. You really are. I know my sense of humor is a little alarming to people, in all sincerity, life will kill you if you don't find a way to laugh about it and that's kind of the way I think when I write. My job is to make you laugh but I'd much rather get you to laugh about stuff that's tough to laugh about. So that's why I'd like to be a therapist at some point in my life. (audience laughing) "My wife left me." Oh, what's her number? (audience laughing) "My parents split up." Oh, no more family style restaurants for you. (audience laughing) I think Stallone said it best in Rocky Balboa. That's great where you get that wonderful speech, "Hey yoh, life . . . "ain't all about "sunshine and rainbows "it's about (murmurs) (audience laughing) Now, I'm paraphrasing, but it was a very deep . . . (audience laughing) (indistinct) I used to do impressions when I started it's about a little over 20 years ago. I basically did all the impressions everybody was doing back then. (Sylvester Stallone impression) (Arnold Schwartzenegger) All right, everybody here in Utah, everybody get down, get down. (audience laughing) I'm not gonna hurt you, Wendy. (audience laughing) You wanna get Capone, well, here's how you get 'em. (audience laughing) He pulls a knife you pull a gun and I don't do impressions in my act anymore. I really don't. (audience laughing) I really don't. I watch, impressions I do now are for my kids like, all the, you know Nickelodeon, or I'm a killer. Like Dora, I do a great Dora The Explorer. I'm telling ya I, I do impressions around the house. I try to make my kids laugh. I try to make my wife laugh with the impressions like, my wife's a very good cook. She really is, but every once in a while the recipe won't turn out the way she, you know the way she wanted it to and she'll ask me what I think and I'll do my DeNiro face like, "No it's good." (audience laughing) And if she goes shopping and she comes back and she has a ton of bags I'll do my Ray Liotta impression, you know, like, that was all of our money Karen. (audience laughing) I don't do a very good Matthew McConaughey. I'm just letting you, I tried to do it one night though 'cause I was trying to get my wife in the mood. (audience laughing) I got her in the mood to turn me down. (audience laughing) I said, hey, all right. all right, all right. (audience laughing) She said, "No, no, no." (audience laughing) Well the irony is every morning, my wife likes to make a to-do list and well I'm never on it. (audience laughing) That's as edgy as I get. I do have to go and I appreciate you guys having me. This is such a beautiful town and such a beautiful venue. I wish every comedy club was like this to be honest with you and I always do try to end my show with something positive. I'd like to leave some advice. I would, but... (audience laughing) I'd like to be a motivational speaker at some point. I can't be serious that long so if I tried that, I'd be like, anything's possible, just not for all of ya (audience laughing) but I'd like, I'd love to give advice but I don't know about you, but advice is tricky. 'cause no matter <font color='#000000'>how good advice sounds</font> it's never quite that simple you know, 'cause for example, people always say, "Oh money can't buy happiness." Well, first of all, they're wrong. (audience laughing) It can trust me. Whoever did say that never went into a dollar store to shoplift. (audience laughing) When people say, "Oh you gotta maintain "a good balance in your life." And I agree with that, but I think your bank account is a little more important, place to keep a good balance. If you don't believe me next time a credit card company calls you just tell them you're in a good place and see if they'll accept it (audience laughing) and the piece of advice I get a lot, I hear a lot as I'm getting older is, you know, seize the day, live for the moment and I agree with that too, just make sure you can afford it. (audience laughing) I went a couple years ago, I was torn between wanting to live for the moment, knowing that financially it wasn't a good move. (audience laughing) A good friend of mine lived in Phoenix and he kept saying, "Dude, you got to come out, man." I go, I can't afford to, I don't have the money. And he goes, "Come on seize the day." I said, dude, I can't even seize the air fare. (audience laughing) He goes, "Well just go on Priceline man. "Get a good flight." So I went on Priceline then apparently I checked the same flight so many times they called me. They said, "Look we don't know who "you're trying to visit in Phoenix "but give him a call, "tell him you can't make it." (audience laughing) The one thing I will tell you in all sincerity is be optimistic in life and what I mean is just try to stay positive and so forth. and because, you know, the truth is there's no downside to that 'cause I think every one of us have had bad days and I know every one of us has had people disappoint us we never thought would disappoint us and the good news is it's gonna happen again, (audience laughing) but if you're optimistic, if you're optimistic at least you'll be in a good mood right up until it happens (audience laughing) and I think the best thing you could do for anybody in your life is just be in a good mood, so don't assume the worst in people and don't expect the worst in life. That's all I have to say. Thank you very much and I appreciate it.
