An Evening With Robin Williams 1983

[Music] San Francisco I love this city I grew up here it's always been a very very special place to me I leave but there's always something to pulls me back to the city streets the people I met [Music] paper hats are found in Hollywood sign three picture deal read all about to get your copy the National Shooting Sun man marries sister father of own nephew are you doing if hey what it was first have it Yasser Arafat Ringo Starr same a meet all about it is how you don hey don't look so glum not even the Pope's couldn't get in there tonight what are you crazy tonight you know place is booked solid hey hey hey hey enjoy the show there you know take care yourself hey crazy guys yeah you know I used to see this guy in the beginning I play anywhere go to the opening of an envelope [ __ ] run worm recipe be there yeah benefit is a benefit big I saw him do a benefit once saved the shrimp ain't that a [ __ ] yeah I'm telling you that boy it's raising I don't go up around no I'm saying grew up in Marin County 16 before he had his first fortune oh yeah had to work all went along to go to Europe Oh ain't that a [ __ ] there we'll call it some kind of day are you doing a have a good showing it Oh see we're still going in how are you take a chance he's doing getting done that he's just out there they don't 9a best thank you much ladies and gentlemen Robin Williams [Applause] - thank you what a glory night we have here tonight will you look at this little thing we have here the Sistine Chapel designed by Frederick's of Hollywood look at it now look at its Wayne Newton's living room oh my God look at that thing it's the type of place where Slim Whitman could sing Aida yay Wanda may a low sill even listen to a man's thing and think that my god he's got his balls in a vise hello my own my special people up there it's a severely medicated section right there wonderful my god look we're home San Francisco back again talk about people going yeah yo you're home now you better just be real funny real quick San Francisco where god save the queen' is a different meeting wonder around here don't be afraid pardon me hello how are take this off they've been set yet don't be afraid hello wonders about me I was reaching that hello hi little band down hold on oh look now the people in the bank recognized you hello lovely place my god oh my god with a lovely shade of tweed obviously this is the marine section over here only mr. Joffe come on hello let's see let's get some more damn people in this place yeah I tell you Arafat 40 of 6000 please [Applause] live it's live live it's I'd like to piss off the counter is doing [ __ ] Stan please how funny to do here if there ever is an earthquake in Simon Says coaches God saying get those condominiums off my back nice to have goofy here over here once I gonna have to wonder back Hank thank you oh we're just going to work on this we're going to tease it a little how about those 49ers you think they're ever going to work again I don't know let's take a look at this look over here second okay put a little up here Hari Krishna right now she's going I worked all day on that Oh more smoke I want to die oh my god what do they call this drink and acne pimple don't be afraid I was open source oh no oh it's relax I'm really getting some heavy tension from you you know men have nipples - did you know the guys coming off my back hello sorry for me I'm just just wandering to the audience look at this ensemble am I gonna put this a little wrinkled we brought here this evening hold on don't be afraid I'll have it back this is a lovely thing oh yeah now I can go on the buses again you find people in San Francisco so nice oh don't flash people just describe themselves to you alright if you're here we hope for this town now are your lovely coat sir I mean just passing through again feel like but me thank you thank you Andre please keep the people coming let's go look at this but this is the marquee dissuade Noda in there with all the people going on oh just give me the mask I don't care what it goes with every but it will back up somewhere on a beach in California there's a man wandering around going I in all the tapes over here ladies and gentlemen Paul Williams before I go on I'd like to do a little ventriloquism for you some guys the back leg see that's come on no that's not my card were here tonight again once again my home Hey the Marin County people where I grew up mom's here mama mama elephant maripaz I love you I guess we should get to the show real quickly we're going to be paid good night now even rent paid more than good money they pay beyond money people going to Marin County say my god look at that little rainbow isn't that cute are they loud you it's an ethnic detector we have two Negroes heading south those people are so damn well they don't get the crabs I get the lobster [Applause] people with names like I have friends of names like birth dad Muffy how are you good to see you they don't buy Lacoste shirts they actually staple a live alligator to the house do a MedicAlert badges that say please appear iain a BMW quickly a couple of months ago they had a white shark off the coast of Marin people living thank God at least was white you never see that white shark go swimming in the bay I'm gonna come up near in Oakland because people are going get your ass out of the water come on get your ass out of the water I will make some shoes out of your booty mom and I'll lose your fins move on quickly look at this we're saving this boost for the Pope to throw the first baseball in another grocery today Oh little sensimilla plants how cute these are all picking little buds off undercover cop in the backswing keep going yes hold on let me look around here oh my god Jimmy Hoffa these tricks no one understands its color that's why I put it up here just to piss people off I have some good news for you while you've been here this evening groups of gay men are broken in your home and redecorated it you'll come home you'll come back to your house knowing Austrian Drake's pictures of John Crawford everything well that's the kind of city this is it's a happy town because in about two days it sounds really going happy they have real drag races here in two days you know the type race is too many Tetris I can keep them up let's go what everyone talks about gay bars gay houses why not let's go beyond gay let's be enchanted that way if you say you're into S&M I mean sorcery and magic wham show me a wand I'll take you anywhere oh thank you okay the animal people are here type of people who take a little medication go see quest for fire come out going wow what an incredible documentary we know we know a camera the fool I see don't be afraid wait let me give you a very special picture give me the camera I'll get it back I'm happy babies all hold on here let's see okay here's a little Japanese man having sex [Applause] look at this let's give you a very special picture there you go I'm glad you had the old wide angle lens on I can't wait to take that to photo mats my god what is that an anaconda pressed up against the plate-glass window maybe you could turn into the National Geographic going it's the Loch Ness monster some scientists go my god I didn't know that only one up sorry I should give this back hahaha you thought I'd fall for little camera man upstairs [ __ ] ha ha no I'm say snow I'm nuts enough and now we can do like the old water ballet movies and people in the backward run what the hell is he doing on the floor doing that carpet weaver [ __ ] I give you your camera back you may enter the country please how are you oh nice nice to meet you good Fred that's it back to the lady back there with everything intact it's quiet now this is where like it just like when I started off about six years ago in small clubs I didn't I with two people really drunk on wine going who the hell is that cover my friends back there people who took like a lot of acid during the 60s now they're selling Amway you realize of course if James Watts sells off all the national forests all the animals will be on the freeway going little squirrel little squirrels little 4x5 Aziz how you doing how you doing hey hey there coyotes three coyotes and wolves are sort of every apartment building your cat's got a [ __ ] sometime then you'll see you'll be trying to show the cat on the cat's in the doorway I'll use the sand I don't care it'd be a big bear down on Market Street when a little forth men's cap thought they're gonna work the forest fire give me a dollar this is truly beautiful though I once saw the real Sistine Chapel it's wonderful look up and see the glory of man and God saw two friends from California there are these two guys look like the Dan looking up you see all this wonderment they look up and go WOW bitchin then that kind of thought maybe Darwin was wrong no all right there look little polish walkman radio somebody sitting over in the pass goes I need that big I can carry two of those suckers and still drink a beer strange though strange a few months ago on the news and they're talking about the Falkland Island war sometimes they get newscasters we get confusing over today in the [ __ ] islands Ord mean we thought that somewhere off the coast of Brooklyn there was some place called the [ __ ] island where you're going live in a [ __ ] Islands okay hey [ __ ] it okay pal because the only people who live there were extra tallien waiters how you don't want me to make your salad for you and what was the language like [ __ ] a [ __ ] you realize if there was no oil there there for the war for sheep little argentinian war brides coming home Jane then they're going how was it for you my dear but we Americans we did our part the English English had Margaret Thatcher who kind of looks like Julia Child's on valium this is Joyce look like she's like she talks like someone's holding a small turd under a nose it we did our part though we sent alexander haig down there to negotiate the peace wasn't it wonderful having Alexander Hagen ago she ate the pieces like having Charles Manson as a male nurse be fine [Applause] mister bolden move did you ever have the strange feeling when Alexander Haig was in office that late at night he'd wander into the Oval Office going Shh Ron just let me push one damn button Oh Alexander go in the other room with James Watt and hurt some squirrels come on now now he's gone probably selling missiles on late-night TV you want a better deal go see al7 hey Alexander Higgs House of missiles come on down let me show you some little we've got this lovely ICBM here they can't hear you're coming boom the bullet s house oh look at this over here we got a designer cruise missile oh la la ba boom look at that our next one over here what is it cruise missile what is the cruise missile missile goes oh look a city let's destroy every time I do that I feel like Richard Simmons man is so cruel the women and they love it he got you call those tits I've seen better lumps to knock me off put them together honey make one good one let's go those are not tab those are Sears let's move it you may have had another glass sugar but your time is up let's go move now let's go man has a house with nothing but closets so go I'm in I'm out I mean people over here drunk what the hell's he doing that look at all do you feel like these are guys to go likes tenderness the Golden Gate Bridge waiting for people to jump like go for might fly you don't know come on take it you're out there be afraid bursar there must be a new language called California's how are you I'm just like totally here for a while it's been like a really there only 18 words in California's like gnarly for sure totally I'm bummed wow I'm together for a while okay go for it now okay we'll see by 5:00 sure white wine this is a little wine here if it's not wines and through somebody already oh it's good though yeah nice they have white wines they have red wines yellow wine thank you my son you know a mind is a terrible thing to waste won't you help support the United Caucasian college fund this is young Bob now he's working at McDonald's don't you want some more fries I wanted him one you're going to McDonald's they say you won't like some some McFly's Orma campaign or mick fleetwood or Mick Jagger what do you want no just give me my check and I'll get the neck [ __ ] out of here this is a first largest sauna I've ever played it's gonna be a good game I feel that time will come you never you're doing comedy you feel like a prizefighter yeah uh como gusta como me time to know Ralphie come in you come back to the corner going how am i doing you're touching yourself really a lot you got to get out of it you really got a cool out [ __ ] you got to come up there get up do some intellectual try a few segways yeah yeah give me that ridiculous thing you put my mouth okay that's good little tiny cape I love this here's a bull fighter the hips I told you don't put the Cape in the dryer the bull see the sword and he'll just go like well no way today it's strange being a bullfighter Wenger's real tight bands people going hmm my god woman no no where'd you get this coat my god nano Cameron she's lovely look at this thing my god right now there's a whole bunch of animals lunch [ __ ] is it call made from kittens around the world try this on I won't get this millinery you're taking home the night animals we going oh I guess you couldn't afford the bottom fur like Liberace right now going just leave me to the candelabra damn you leave me the candelabra wonderful Robin's wearing the lovely fans from hefty bag [Applause] humph I know - Dom I love this is the type of toy you can go and read park the car we can play Elephant Man [Applause] just like your dog ever trying to hook just let me have it for the night that's a wonderful coat my god dear that's taking a fashion risk and we sip some wine now for a moment a little eraser on the blackboard of life their white wines their red wines but why are there no black wines like Reggie or mother [ __ ] it goes with fish meat any damn thing it wants to thank you lumpy isn't it nice to have someone like Mean Joe green advertising it you better buy this or near your ass to a tree but if you ever drink the elite wines you know the quipu say as we say downtown [ __ ] [ __ ] they always have the guys who taste the wines going yes absurd yet flaccid but I love the very very special wines the wines like Thunderbird nitrate the type of wines where you take one sip and your body says everybody out to exits no waiting [Applause] heavy-duty paint Center in those wines and always on those bubbles of wine it says like serve before Friday in the bottom it says serve chilled and I'm sure a lot of winos come into the store going Wow me but this sucker is tepid would you deposit this in the refrigerator except to go to a 58 degrees Fahrenheit I like my wine like I like my women ready to pass out you put that in there I'll be out front waiting on your doorway I live in a wonderful place now where they make the wonderful wines up in Napa County which is up there North some of the peoples in the hospital here tonight [Applause] they can't applause they're not used to having their hands on great show great show one man with his hand in here going I don't care let the troupe sit down for a while now is your past past never Hospital you look in the back is one guy watching the television segment I want to see the damn World Series every time every time I Drive by they all look at me and go you'll be here soon don't is it the doctor but it's a nice thing they have a program now they have the inmates working on the wine which is wonderful they have the psychotic stepping on the grapes like take a [ __ ] wine manic-depressives tasting you're going it's good no schizophrenic leading tours let's go this way no all right why why can't they have commercials for schizophrenics wouldn't be so much easier their TV oriented towards schizophrenic to be nice hello Sybil for American Express do you know us we can't leave home without it [Music] you look at me it's nice and you stretch out that forest and dance in the back thing not bad but can you get up gotta be careful though you're drinking a little too much you get a little drunk e1z you try and drive home and the police nail your ass you're driving in the south and she's like stop Rocky you're driving in California it's usually when you get out of the car realize your true potential show some energy for a brief moment if you're driving in chemist disco the policeman usually goes out and goes search me I might have something on me but you must be careful especially been smoking a little marijuana yes yes yes please please have a new test today oh you want to do is they pull you over they get out of the car walk toward you like this will you then you're trying to be cool you're trying to maintain if you're doing a little cocaine the police just go behind you get in the car whatever tests to see if you've been drinking a little what they do normally is they pull you over the sides they realize you're weaving which you apply we aren't even knit at that point in Louboutin goes right up happy land you be careful they have a new drunk driving just want you to know this just in case you get pulled over by the police yeah yeah be careful first of all the night you go like this make you stop put your arms out close your eyes makes you feel like Easter watch hot then you go like this to make you touch your nose try to go like start off one two and here's a new part once you know this new part is to be like one two three four five six seven eight and nine and thirty forty one thirty forty two Uganda Uganda Uganda yes at that point just have to look at the officer you love him right in the eye okay [ __ ] it I'm drunk like we all know who if alcohols a crutch then Jack Daniels is the wheelchair you roll right over that abyss storm how did you die doesn't matter where you're from in the country you take one sip of Jack Daniels lean and you're on the road coming in deliverance console how about you just dropping in pain is who cares let's go you have like eight glasses of Jack Daniels you forget the English language you just have one massive bowel movement if you're lucky you find someone else that drunkle your name you are looser our only name but you must be careful because if you drink Jack Daniels you must pay the price the next morning because yes tell him to take his hands off your breasts especially if he's been holding a real cold drink come on baby give it up it's just me sasquatch come on what do you do to grab you okay it wasn't just the Memorex the deform Oh are you okay honey all right you sure I don't what we won't go on till you find a few okay did someone grab you oh you're just like you just had Oh should we smoke a cigarette then feel like she's doing like we're talking about I got lost now but sometimes I will do that sometimes I will go off like this people go where's he going I honestly don't know I'm just like a little squirrel over the Grand Canyon saying give up the nuts or die we're talking about Jack Daniels now it might affect you the worst thing is we've been drinking Jack Daniels all night is in the morning you must pay the price as you get out of bed and all the sudden you realize oh [ __ ] gravity works there you are there you are you have to worship at the old porcelain altar [Applause] oh damn I didn't put the seat up again and you better pray you have a friend there to help you like you okay I'm fine just don't flush me in there God don't then you make a mistake of going to work what a fool because you can hear snails crawl all the other friends you haven't drank that night come over how you doing Bob good to see you why don't you just die last night I want to find out where they make that stuff I want to take a trip down to Lynchburg Tennessee I'll be some guy waiting for you down there going hi Edie welcome to Lynchburg who's that over there someone who pissed this off a comedian come on e you know my daddy married your sister but didn't affect me come on in let me take you on a tour of the whole plant over here this is my brother Bob he's the tasters clean didn't bend in it here's where we had the secret ingredient strange and sometimes you always see those guys who are truck drivers for making across the entire United States in one day and say that they don't take speed um Bob they're [ __ ] I'm going through I'm gonna get these pineapples to Hawaii come on for sometimes you see these hats on big guys men we like to call hunters guys you see sometimes in American sportsman there quickl American sportsman we're going to hunt squirrels with a 350 Magnum we're gonna blow the little nuts out about MA now let the dog get what's left and real sure where they take the major chance Wild Kingdom they always cut the Marlin Perkins going my assistant tom will attempt to circumcise a water buffalo and they cut the tom-toms in the field go put all Lord the big water buffalo on your ass is mine now now yeah you got no gun you just got that Medicaid [ __ ] it's strange on Wild Kingdom though they shoot these animals up with something called a nested ox which is real heavy medication there's no wonder the animals come back next week you need yeah I was on the show last week [ __ ] the tags I'd like to be back on again yeah I'll run yeah just roll the camera come on run night you name my ass again hey don't know and they send these poor medicated animals to the New York City Zoo she's kind of like a reform school for animals you see the lion in his cage going roar big [ __ ] deal twenty they have a little cage full of kvetching I inna is going nice day might be you don't know that little birds in their cages going and then then you always think I can at least take the kids to see the monkeys the monkeys are almost human they're really fun come on Tommy let's go see the chimps this is you take Tommy to the front of the gym cage little chimp up Franco boy also sometimes see these hats guys I like to call weightlifters you know you like your friends the bodybuilders guys you see like outside all year round guys that like pump iron looks like someone shoved an air hose up their ass how you doing Bob I just want to see what those guys I don't oh [ __ ] I cramped up that's okay I can make it to the car then there's always the big body builders like Arnold Schwarzenegger Arnold Cohen the retailer Arnold Schwarzenegger there is how's mr. Arnold come on now you you take steroids don't you know [Applause] liners this man this man is a professor at Stanford doesn't matter what type of job you have you may be a PhD professor but all the sudden like nine or few Niners professor nibbles I like the team Niners 40 [ __ ] times thank you sister Therese she and father Tom we're going [ __ ] a boy get out Saturday entered the titties off the other team I don't want you to hold back today Jim when you go out there today and we here at st. Swithin's have a wonderful policy let's do that thanks for them steer now ricktum Rackham Rackham Rock'em get that ball and really fight the great if there's a high school somewhere Marin County called sensimilla what's the tier like oh wow oh wow go for it right now well you quit high school to play high school smoking like my mom around Rath we're gonna nail your honky ass get out earth change but people cheer now but where were you six years ago where we at six years ago in the 49ers had a quarterback length well hike when the Energy's right when they just have linemen who go like I really can't deal with him his pressures too intense I mean he just he wants to run over me I tried all the moves I try the thing I let him go by and then I pushed him get off get off the field I don't need this pressure gonna be there's a football strike going now I mean one of those guys gonna do for a living I mean there's one picket line I don't want to cross I don't mr. green whoa you better not mess with me oh thank you mr. green I mean one of those guys gonna do what's the sin are gonna do now that he's out of work over work in a fast-food restaurant going your hamburgers ready what are the referees well the referees gonna do become like referees gonna come gobo will go up dyslexia is a horrible disease I was the only child Halloween to go hi tritter trout so sad to see all the other mothers throwing it so Williams boy better give him some fish well the referee is gonna draw they're gonna come go go boys look now now the 49ers have real linemen you know what I'm talking about you know head neck optional big man big man they go like what did you do they feel a bob well basically what I like to do is break through the line grab a quarterback and say it make-a-wish pains oh what is the center what a position is a man who plays center what do you say what do you do for living you say what do you do well basically I bend over have a little towel hang over my ass let's be very compromising when somebody walks up behind you and goes why haven't you called me at that point yeah your honor but also the most important man of a little tiny man in the field goal kicker usually European with names like a barnacle Ibaka diversified and they're usually like this is usually like okay Phil go thousand dollars he'll go $2,000 our lineman pocket take the ball on the football team we know is the quarterback yes [Music] [Applause] [Music] oh sure oh damn damn damn [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] it's a very very tender area or easy boy easy boys it's like a little rodeo pony in there let me out grab it no no I can't grab him because he'll be going whoa men do that or we do grab little area down here we don't know why it's when you're nervous you always see guys a little nervous like gosh sorry money strange beasts I don't know I even President Reagan must be that's a little podium cutting them off Nancy and I know everyone knows every man in a nervous situation will be driving that's why they used to tell the baseball player don't touch that so see a lot of guys going yeah I don't know yes most men can't even call it what it is you say what is that a penis what you can't say it Kenya no I can't screams they're really macho guys that's the incredible heat-seeking moisture missile yeah it may not have a conscience but it does have a membrane - well feels like a bleeding around town I don't go oh yeah and you get like sometimes the other guys adventurers the throbbing Python of love I'd like to kind of compromise in between I like to call him mr. happy so something's going wrong he said oh look he's pouting oh hi so nice to know mr. happy as luggage - like where you want these bags change the picture oh no you look at him going why I can't wait till have the metric system knows and go how big are you 120 you can call me mr. tripod now hey hey why why do we evolve with mr. happy here is it like in the old days they can tell times but what time is it about 12 3 now I do now oh why why why couldn't be right here wouldn't it be nicer mister happier in the middle of your chest to make dancing a lot more fun you'll be dancing going having a nice night Betty and it's a strained relationship that men have with mr. happy it's usually starts we're talking about doesn't matter I think it's kind of once again we went off that way the police set me off it's like that way I guess for most people once again I look at the faces because it's all right my mother's of there saying just like the old days isn't it mama knows mama used to see me and she tell me these wonderful jokes she my first joke was hell of young blue I love you in red most of all I love you blue see mama is still world we come to America with a dream and look where we buy a house in Tiburon ah he burns on the Spanish word Tiburon meaning condominium condominium from the Latin word meaning to overcharge for no reason we're talking over for my little friend back to me I know that shut up but we men know the first time you met mr. happy was doing a time called puberty puberty is when nature says shake hands with mr. happy do you know it's like you know you're upstairs usually with a copy of National Geographic playing Senor wences but no one has a real guts no one has the honesty when you're locked in the bathroom your father's knocking on the door you're in there boiling the old baseball glove and your father is knocking on the door going what are you doing in there son no one has the honesty to say going blind [Applause] [Music] feels this good I'll take the hair I don't mind then you had other problems when you're going through puberty something called erection they'd happen at the wrong time you'll be having your first close dance of a sudden gosh Becky nice wow do you find me repulsive when actually you felt like a pirate going aha and the bits back for me now [Applause] don't be lyin to me now Jim crap but you girls you girls and Madame wonderful yes you got to go through puberty riding the mechanical pony in front of a supermarket Susy that's alright things pista teeth we all know the ultimate purpose all mr. Happy's exploits strange that the male of the species as men we spend nine months trying to get out of the womb the rest of our life gonna get right back in oh how does one little sperm make past all that rubber they must have it like the English warmer with the one sperm gets the die ephemeral keep swimming then you get the wives that sperm name Otto going else here comes daddy finally one breaks to all of that grapes into the inner sanctum there's the open going a low sailor at this point all of a sudden Carl Sagan walks out goes is we pure out past themes and billions of tiny seamen wondering how one reaches its final mark and foetus don't fail me now little baby drink how wonderful you have your own pool always said it a wonderful temperature of whatever mom is feeling that day you have to send out for food it's always warm service no I'm tired telling it was there I had to use it all right they were feeling good Charles and they're just waiting but how lucky can you be as a baby soon as you're born you come out but imagine Dolly Parton's child I have good news for you I am going to be a bother [Applause] Satan fool I feel like William fell down in there I don't know who the mother is but hey Oh close it's wonderful I have to take these little classes now Lamaze classes I'm taking a new one called LeMans I'm with two little flags in the operating room here it's a great birthday time a great birth look at the plus in today ordeal it's gonna be agreeing they're cutting the umbilical now the little fetuses are there to be any of the real fun of naming the child some people used to name the children of the Bible and to use the TV Guide Kolchak Magnum get in here girls let's go actually I think I'll name it if it's a boy I'll I'll call him Christopher yes there's a guy named I bet your name's Chuck isn't it it's a little girl I'll call it Christina Jana Christiano that way she could write a book called daddy dearest I can't wait to the child speaks his first words their youngling what is it what is it Christopher what are you trying to say good mommy takes you there then a first birthday party daddy's going berserk alright so let's try a little comedy routines now two Jews walk into a bar come on leg break come on Oh what do you want for your birthday power of attorney Christopher no you talk to your room you block your human play with a rubber chicken you're gonna be funny today come on outsiders hang on what knitting it isn't good enough for you Popeye into your room now young man can you be funny today then Christopher grows older he's 21 he's leaving the house dead this are they come on oh hey pop that's real sick [Applause] I'm leaving the house problem just wants think about it oh you're gonna be one funny comedian [ __ ] that I'm gonna be a scientist father I'm gonna cure herpes mr. smartypants mr. big shot now Nina Nina you can God you couldn't be funny the three houses wasn't good enough for you huh the [ __ ] ranch wasn't good enough for huh what's wrong with him like you always said let the [ __ ] have the last word and he goes away are you on a drinking spree I end up downtown ah remember me Nina ninny I'm sorry can you spare 40,000 dollars a week I don't care what you say I'm gonna find out where that [ __ ] Nielsen lives a little guy with a box who likes the shows ow dammit I don't care I called my way to the middle and I [ __ ] my way down Oh tear them all right now I'm stealing singing drinking double well come to take you home you don't want me yeah I do pepper let's go hey did [Applause] do you realize every time you know Japanese left on eating sushi there's a little Japanese man in the back going they ate it maybe you want some hot wine to go with it I looked up sushi in a Japanese dictionary it means dumb [ __ ] raw fish you don't see a lot of Japanese isn't Anglo Oh give me some of those are parasites that's demon honking oh yeah we don't know I mean there won't be another Pearl Harbor we won't hear them coming we'll have little walkman radio song Wow bitchin Japanese movies the dubbing is designed to mess you up too oh I see Japanese movies like quickly you might think the village now makes you want a smoker joints oh hey it fits it's okay we have an announcement for gone will the owner of the DeLorean car will you please check your trunk I think you'll find your rebate sir gives new meaning to toot the old horn No oh that cocaine somehow it always disappears somewhere some guy going well Tom where the 240 pounds of cocoa sorry Sarge you left the window open must have blown out during the night and you see like thousands of animals people walking down the street going hey hey hey I'll just stand here for a while I don't know cocaine such a bizarre thing the RSC like six or seven guys crammed into one small stall and then you hear them all come on there oh here's this then one guy said you have to go flush let's walk out and you have the choice with the guy that's gone you think it's only speeding this now speed here look like Howdy Doody on acid I'm fine what do you like to see yeah let's make our kidnap oh yes we know what they're doing in there doing the devil's Dennis the Peruvian marching powder you're doing cocaine in there we know you know cocaine is God's Way of saying you're making too damn much money you know that yes indeedy Doo Dah you have to be careful there you know because also the wonderful side effects of cocaine Oh like the paranoia and the severe impotence oh yay nice we do one little two to cocaine of a sudden mr. happy on your damn gas and then you're lying in bed going Showtime Showtime hyung he's doing is impressed upon the water phone I've got a bunch on but I'm alone any finite returned your love and go it's not mine I don't know whose this is this is a standard also limping I don't whose it is and sometimes you look a little paranoid you do a little cocaine you start to get little paranoid your friends always come to say you okay yeah I'm fine Lu paranoid no why the [ __ ] your ass everybody else everybody else anybody else tell you looking out the window no one's there still finally your dog walks in the room going you okay man listen if there was someone out there I would have barked by now [Applause] and then the people other stuff that's cut with the wonderful things like mini just something else and sometimes people have the good [ __ ] to where they go here try this man come on what was in that man fiberglass I didn't think you'd notice yes no new makes a big mistake you try and go to bed you feel like a vampire on a day pass you're lying in bed in a big pool of your own sweat with Buddy Rich on your heart and you have conversations like this you have fire redundant redundant we don't have redundant redundant with our territory gender and gender with that yeah and then then you think I'll take a quaalude I'll be fine Oh taking a quaalude and like throwing bricks in the grand can quaaludes such an anti evolutionary drug so strange you see a girl is taking two or three quaaludes in a lipstick room gun don't move you can always save money on quaaludes wanna save money on Quinn oh just take a ball-peen hammer and Goku has the same effect makes English optional then you make the old one mistake you walk outside and every animal in the world knows that you're a [ __ ] up given the birds finally I saw once my cat ate a valium so sad so little kitty ate the valley so I'm sitting home in the corner looking his paw swing me should I know how that went oh yeah meow looser you ever come home late at night turn on your lights your cats in the cat box clang all set damn light all right I'm gonna put the [ __ ] everywhere my cat got revenge on me though Michael Irvin's cuz one morning mr. happy woke up before I did morning cat was laying on the end of the bed with a mouse oh nothing more painful in the world's praying those four little boys doesn't know the cat's going that's when I invented the catapult the cat thought he was safe to hit the long oh [ __ ] Teflon but you know your cat doesn't care about you he doesn't care about you of its warm sure he'll be nice it's cold outside he'll run up against you Allegra I love you but it's like late at night usually five o'clock in the morning I was then you kept one this downstairs going gotta go outside you better open the door I'm gonna take a dump on the rock you know the shag carpet you haul your ass downstairs you open the door cackles later you think now I can go back to bed no no kitty has more surprises for you because kitty goes out and finds the only other cat in heat and 800 miles and has the sex of a lifetime under your bedroom window sitting there going then it has the audacity after sucking his brains out to come home at 6 o'clock in the morning going gotta come back in now I better come in I'm gonna [ __ ] up the spring you haul your ass downstairs open the door again the cats going I even usually your dogs go over here going oh you're gonna get it now oh wow oh boy they're gonna kick you all you can't just walk faster doggone you [ __ ] remember you never see a cat go you ever see a cat outing like a major parkland hey your frisbee I never go for that stupid [ __ ] it's always a dog go I'll do it what you want me to do I'll piss on the tree I don't care jumble out woman a swim in the water get the dead bird I'll do it they have the dogs that work like a net like to smell out drugs those dogs are lucky now end of the day you see the dog sitting in the kennels come here a great day on it Damon Bob yeah I knew Ranieri he and I were like this then you see the dogs here the dogs are working the bomb squad going I don't want to die I've got puppies to feed how how do they ever make little dogs like Pekinese how do they make a Pekinese how do they make a piggies did someone say look a dog that's hit in the face with a shovel [Applause] strange little dogs also like asthma too I have a strange dog I'm a dog called a mellow mutant yes the dog is so mellow the dog is just the kind is not doesn't even bark just goes Wow a little California cat that goes me while I used to have a little New York cat didn't meow just go like what do you want for me yes dreams but in New York though they have rats they're so damn big they said upside the opponent buildings going come on man never lived in New York never lived in New York you come home late at night you turn on your lights in your apartment there's 17 cockroaches by the refrigerator going hello my honey how long on it smooth biggest cockroaches of all or standing by the refrigerator gun big can of raid in there hang on [Applause] you cop a buzz yet let's go over them stay in that roach motel they go in the roach motel is a big black widow spider go I got something for your ass praying mantis wandering out going Hari Krishna so strange Perrier what a wonderful strange thing every time you drinking at the Frenchy going send them to designer jeans they bought the water I'll send them some other [ __ ] don't be afraid they use temperatures Perrier is being something from the bowels of the earth Oh mm-hmm that makes me one have a steaming glass of that just send me some Perrier who did you know ha yes you had a man out here tonight named John Sebastian here a better place no place number Woodstock with everyone you just have those announcements to that we have a child here named rainbow she's looking for a mother his name is eclipse we also have a crew a Volkswagen parked out front please come get your clothes unraveling there's some bad acid going around so be back soon yeah come on cups of strange dog you know those people have some acid on the ground the cows ate the acid next morning a college-going some of my friends have a few friends who take in so much acid you still see them sitting at stoplights going oh [ __ ] another color still a Simon there's a wonderful thing [Applause] there are mushrooms you take it you take some psilocybin and all of a sudden everybody looks like the Michelin boy how you doing tell somebody who isn't no until something comes going hey you're not having a good time sorry I got off on that but I feel like hey okay hey come for now don't go you're gonna miss oh really heavy-duty stuff okay we'll wait no pressure let's put on that clothes look at video she should be back in a few minutes don't if she's okay where might be definite looking damn it - poor woman might be trapped her name is Allison Allison Allison Allison if you're come on we won't have to have a fight Allison come on out we're going to throw in some stuff for no P now coming out Allison we've got the dogs out here Allison we brought your mother Ali Kemal Allison we brought rabbi Tom with us - I'll leave what are you doing in there ever since you've been hanging out with his chick says you've been a different girl Allison damn it jo come out she's safe enough to hurt it's okay I'll find you like those native guys come down like a Mughal LS in Mumbai mo good oops this man's backing over these people going [ __ ] we paid good money to get stepped on hold on I got it don't be afraid no she's gone now well I guess she won't be coming back she won't be needing this oh this is nice now they're gonna go she's gonna go find him she's okay it's alright slowly but surely everybody go look for Alison I don't know what happened to the club one woman went out and the rest followed what happened where I don't know what knows like that finally he was left on stage going who was that woman she went away mrs. happy you hear that this is welcome to the Sierra Club's first annual rose [Applause] Oh afternoon news are going allison finally reappeared today another wonder of club performing oh sorry we just did five minutes on yet I guess that shows you where my axe at during five minutes on the poor innocent woman going back to the bathroom I know many of you are thinking thinking of thinking either one you know uncle Ronnie has a plan he's not telling any of us if a look at ronald reagan and say god that man's really medicated I think Nancy's been dubbing him for years and haven't told us yet ever notice he doesn't speak while she's drinking water there's a facial up there it's so good you know if there's ever a nuclear war to be three men in space going what was that noise and every time they send up the spatial the toilet back up why can't they deal with cosmyk : every time not that is used to announcement like yes Squealer one that we have a warning here yeah what is about we have a major problem here the feces recycling system bill could you be more specific alright sir the [ __ ] hit the fan up here and the fans on high if you catch my drift you know that a toilet backing up in zero gravity is like wow I'm not a Matata unless it's a Tama Hills they always went through the computer too we've run into the computer Bob yes sir what it's a jiggle the handle [ __ ] that we're going outside you ready [ __ ] yes sir what Josh did for mankind what great relief for me mr. happy in space [Applause] let it rip Bob you better reel it in you're on TV where are you telling me in Mount enemy and look I'm writing my name over the entire Soviet Union left range russian farmers the next day going buddy gets pull your daddy gimmick - she's nice now look this is what I was trained for I was trained to be an actor this is it I know I want to do Hamlet I really could have done it except when was it school once that's where they threw me out like this I was doing Hamlet they went alas poor Yorick strike and husband John husband his last words to us was always nice when he said the fear to lead you I'm going off to sell Volvo's I wanted to be a method I couldn't I couldn't I want to be just like those people who they want to teach us to enunciate every world to stick like this like Richard Burton for those ecosphere I will need the PMO's annually despair maybe like I could have been a method actor maybe really like Dustin Hoffman maybe like Al Pacino that I could do like Al Pacino when he did Richard the third it was like people always look at method actors going what's he saying shut up he feels it the man I really want to see play one day I want to see Jack Nicholson play Hamlet him out there I have like a little denim tights on yeah if they're going to be or not to goddamn be whether it's nobler to take the car or sling it right back in dream fantasies like that I'm glad there's someone there for you right now John Davidson sings Devo come on with it [Music] whip it good now whip it thank you beat me call me trash try to remember [ __ ] other women remember try I'll [ __ ] it let's go on too much pressure like Liza they gave me some toys to play with here yeah oh my god Catholic self-abuse what the hell is this your first time here this is wonderful come on well we're [ __ ] we can't fly with just one these are one oh my god this is great man of Troy we've had another budget cut on the defense plan [Applause] this year we'll be forced to fight with Tupperware again remember a purple shield before you're going to come back this must be really busy I'll [ __ ] out damn I can't go another Christian crusade alright that's all the children let's go oh look my god a diaphragm for an elephant Simba come on come on now honey mojo is coming and we just got to put something in there all those musicals moving around don't you know yokohama was a bomb so I'm calling from the plane oh my god somewhere at the Vinci was sitting in a small garage like oh nice idea I think maybe I write about it backwards and just to piss people off would this make you happy I think it's just my pitch all right [Music] nice to know I went too far and there's a whole people going yes you did people like people are Mouse conscience going we took that chance boy like an Irish preacher damn it boys yeah there for a moment and then you win over the [ __ ] green now come on now boy come with me son give me the gun Oh real funny tom I had my healing cloth and bulletproof vest on you're going to hell for that Jim you're gonna smoke a turd in purgatory for that I don't know ever see those kids or kids used to sit at home you know I said the guys who'd pull a stupid [ __ ] like lying come on Bobby jump off the roof it'll work I was the kid that said [ __ ] who needs the umbrella oh my oh yes oh yay I like to take these down to the zoo and put it in the turtle cage you watch the male turtles link give it up come on see the male turtles come back to the other man's husband Hilary Mantel's going how was it David yeah how many of you man we're going to combat might experience some severe mental difficulties I myself over eight tours of duty [Applause] haha the doctor says I wasn't allowed to have any oral sex for a month hold on I am a guardian comedian if you are riding bond and someone shows you mr. happy simply look at him and go also remember laughter is the best form of birth control let's feel like those movies will go Ahriman today we need somebody to do something somebody to do something incredibly [ __ ] dumb today we all drew straws and you lumpy you're the one to do it aren't you well sir I don't care that long as you hear me before I go Jimbo I want you to jump out of the plane where nothing but your kilt and no underwear that way boy you'll know the meaning of something on the fire sometimes I have a cat in a blender so right now there's probably some scotch man the bet right you better withdrawal that one boy I have some of your press releases you said you were born in nboyer little lion [ __ ] where are you born boy you [Applause] so now that could do great this is Elmer Fudd I'm drivin in you say you don't like I say [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] nice bodies bodies bodies come over here well they're all straight here oh you're not about come over here and paper get your paper you read all about it well Derek with magnetic beads in here follows bus for a mile paper HIPAA read all a lot of Nancy Reagan teachers here hire the National Death paper oh boy you're gonna get your paper yeah yeah yeah keep moving go honey go to human carwash I love babe Oh mr. Williams how are ya knitting anyhow I what are you doing on a on Broadway you're crazy you bastard you just walking around big careful mr. Wynn's watch out your best you crazy they got all sorts of crazy people here come in here mr. Williams you Oh what are you doing in here yeah yeah watch out a hold on me twins my friend over there that's Lola she's a hooker Oh hiya Lola good to see you mr. Williams don't make fun of her that woman gives mine you know what I'm seeing yeah she can bend spoons you know what I'm saying watch out for that day she's a psychic one whoa watch out wham oh you never know you even had let's go Tommy Williams up close the door what are you doing on Broadway you a even walking in some of those porno movie houses you better be careful yeah mr. Williams come in mr. Williams will you look at this weird [ __ ] I gotta sell well you look at their stuff mr. Williams I gotta ask you something you know Pam Dawber Mindy you drill her I [Laughter] didn't think so mr. Weyman mr. Williams do you look at some of these magazines look at it here's your favorite magazine mr. winds up the Inquirer watch out you know mr. whims of funny things look at look at the headline on this Enquirer man locks himself in refrigerator eats own foot to survive and it's no fun eating machines I put a copy of inquire on my cat box and I can't won't go in there yeah just looks up at me and says why that'd be redundant and everybody my name is sir Williams mr. Williams I am it swims look at this one here limited nuclear war possibility Hey won't that be fun mr. law he was gonna win a nuclear war one guy with two heads but we won did we want mr. Wynn's wouldn't it be nice to meet whims take it fight wars with comedy wouldn't be nice to meet whims seen guys going to climate carrying the rubber chicken your momma and instead of landmines a little because they got Tommy you gotta take better care so what are these road maps of Iowa come here come here Shh quiet for a second mr. Weems okay this got something special to show you you know most people got autographs of movie stars I got something special for you look at this for mr. Williams it's not a great picture of Albert Einstein yeah remember what he said Mr Amos you once said my sense of God is my sense of wonder about the universe cheering mr. Weems okay look at his eyes there's a guy you see the lights are on and everybody's home here you go mr. Williams you got a bun in the oven now so you need this better take care of yourself when your child is born you pass it on to your kid yeah that way they see somebody that does it you know see the light yeah you better go now come here they let you out this way come on the girl clapping mr. Williams mr. Williams some advice to you you're gonna have to have an operation when they have your hand removed from there you know play with people not yourself so much maybe you should just get a little microphone so I can hold that phone okay mr. Williams take care yourself there you know look at his face you know the man new guy you got in your hand you know take care but Williams no I don't want a tip I got a tip for you mr. Williams hey joke them if they can't take a [ __ ] okay [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] see you later head to the ranch tomorrow night thank you Oh mr. Williams hey Nene Nene that's you pops yeah yeah it's me oh yeah long time look at you whoa what happened she just blow up that wouldn't happen to be me up there no way okay because I just I'm mouth Tony's not talking to this sides just to mess you up person both lazy man you remember the old age he'd sit there and didn't talk to me I saw some in your eyes then Julia you saw something beyond and I saw it I did I saw it there talked about we talked about that's real nice do I just think you have to talk about it anymore I thought you loved surprise deserve the taste of reality now and then I think is this Soria brought you the real Magilla and at AI stein there's not Alfred their heads that's Albert Albert Einstein very special man why do mr. witness know yeah sure no you're gonna be the keeper the flame come on be afraid you're not gonna burn it I'm hearing hey come here there you go yeah see you keep it for a while and you give it to your little one they go up they give to someone special that way he keeps going on yeah where's it gonna be boy or girl hey maybe both and you can call he she's good thanks for talking to me it's nice you don't forget you know crazy bastard good you see the lights are still on strange Ihnen we've seen a lot of [ __ ] go down boy phooey wait a minute I mean what would you leave no mr. Williams what's right is what's left to do everything else wrong ain't that a [ __ ] mr. Williams shuffle boy you know I was on Broadway yeah yeah we sold papers on 42nd and Broadway hey yo guy aren't you yeah you know I don't like it on it hey hey forgive me I was a comedian Mike you know that yeah yeah yeah now now was it nobody boy I need you again someone so smart sometimes we like you like up curious [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music]

Channel: Truth Be Told

Views: 1,913,309

Rating: 4.7663317 out of 5

Keywords: Robin Williams

Id: ofOqUMeEwu8

Length: 91min 32sec (5492 seconds)

Published: Sun Mar 25 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/smilysmilysmooch]

This concludes comedy week for me. Hopefully you all had a few laughs in these trying times.

[u/Land_Kraken]

This was needed.

Thank you.

[u/terrorerror]

Rest in peace.

[u/EtherealAnimations]

R.i.p you absolute legend

[u/Bal000ga]

Fuck yeah this is a classic!!

[u/james32000]

He would be saddened to see today’s “comedians”, was truly a legend in his field.