Jimmy Carr: In Concert (2008) FULL SHOW | Jimmy Carr

ladies and gentlemen it's an honor and a privilege to be here I imagine yeah well don't me I went out earlier to get a cup of coffee someone came up to me and said to you Jimmy Carr would you just look like Jimmy Carr I said both you know when you go to a friend's house for the first time and they say to you did you find okay what are you meant to say no I'm still last a lot of people think I'm Park who here thinks I'm Park well compared to you yes but North pontius people think I actually went to one of the roughest colleges in Cambridge famous weird I'm a very weird level of Fame now where people come up to me and say hello to me in the street yes pretty flattering is lovely but then they'll insult me when they're talking to me they'll say things like you're not as fat you look on TV me not as fast well this is my favorite they go where they go you're actually quite funny now they're saying imagine my surprise you're not totally [ __ ] [ __ ] so I'm flattered they've said hello but then I'm angry they've insulted me so I'm angry and flattered at the same time there's a weird emotions to have at the same time so I try and do the same thing back I say well you're a super little [ __ ] I keep on gaming mistaken for Alan Carr so what I've done is I've stopped sucking men off because my hand symbol for no more [ __ ] I don't quite know what that round of applause was for are you thinking that's a very funny joke or homosexuality it's just about willpower [Music] people often ask me what were you like at school so I tell them I was a little black girl it's about Harvey laughing have you thinking was he you would never know wetting your bed is embarrassing as a child but as an adult wetting a child's bed is mortal it's almost impossible to explain that [ __ ] away well it's early on in evening let's try some easy jokes to start with shall we good luck I was in the South of France I saw her a brownie on a school trip she was holding up a book it said on the front Rough Guides I thought yeah she's no looker that's the easiest joke in the show if you don't get that you might as well [ __ ] off now man three percent of Britons never leave a tip and they're known as the weirdos that live at the tip [Music] I saw a headline it said Britain faces crisis I thought what we're running out of faces when someone recommends a book to me and they say it's a page-turner I would think yeah and how books work I bought a home pregnancy kit turns out my house is pregnant we're thrilled we're having a [ __ ] I got interviewed last week by very nice young lady she said what's your house like I said I've got a semi which would have been fine with and I showed it to her and of course by then it wasn't a semi if you ask ten randomly chosen women how often they wash their knickers a surprising number answer how did you get in here treat the mean keep them keen that's what they say isn't it treat the mean keeping game but I think you've gone too far if using a Stanley knife course a lot of women stay with them and even if their men hit them a lot of women will stay with their husbands even if their husbands beat them I tell you what they need slap their self-esteem she was tiny of course the thing people never say about domestic violence and it strikes me as being just a very obvious but people never say this about domestic violence it's just how [ __ ] stupid it is I mean you're hitting your wife it's your wife you might as well kill your own [ __ ] car think about it you don't like her now you're not gonna like her anymore with two black eyes and a bit of a face on I am there are places in the country where that's just a joke I did that joke in Preston it was like marriage guidance it got around to applause what I thought was around applause it was actually people he's seeing their wives when I was a kid I was scared of the dentist he was a pedophile I suppose that begs the question how many fillings did he give me I believe each and every child should be given a chance and that's why if they can guess the number I'm thinking of I let them go is anyone in from around the country you're from London where you from [Applause] you're from Doncaster and you're down here just for the lights you'll be back and telling people oh I was inside it was like a cave but it was like daytime at night couldn't make head nor tail candles yes they like handles well done you it's lovely to have you New Zealand how's it going over there alright you still having that problem with Sarah man and he's all Carmy hello you just go hello again who are you from madam Dartford you Celica man where are you from madam darphus hello sorry that's like a horrible racist joke from the 70s hello to you what sorry you're from Seven Oaks but you said hello that wasn't used why are you talking then I don't understand who said that not me I'm from Seven Oaks what do you do madam your ass to nan what are you studying drama really you know I always say the same thing whenever I meet a drama student an aspiring actress or actor I always say the same thing to any aspiring actor or an actress I meet why we say I have a coffee please I was in Newcastle recently I was in the back of a cab in Newcastle and the cab driver said to me there's no red light district in Newcastle because that's how they talk if you're a Newcastle for the weekend its most disconcerting because you find yourself thinking is everyone trying to start a sing-song and I just don't know the words there's no red light district in Newcastle had asked incidentally I hadn't go on the back of a cab in new cars I said take me to the prostitutes my good man no just apropos of nothing this bloke went to me there's no red latest reach in Newcastle no I didn't say anything because quite a big tough Geordie bloke I do think to myself I tell you why no need have you been to Newcastle to Bacardi breezers and the deal is done it's the kind of town where if you've got money enough for chips guess what great news you're not going home on your own it was a nice little smile there this is if to say I tell you why I like chips and [ __ ] get on yeah you know in Big Brother when they swear they play in that bird song I've got so used to that there now and spring watch is on I think the Badgers are calling Bill Oddie account I had a friend come around to my house the other day distressed and destroy he was nearly in tears a grown man he said I've got a lump on my testicle I said that be your other testicle I got stopped earlier by one of those charity muggers you know the ones in the high street with the clipboard and the optimism you stopped me and said if you give five pounds a month no children will get hurt like a [ __ ] protection racket isn't speaking of charity though the largest charitable contribution in human history was made last year an American man gave away 32 billion dollars he was some kind of Wall Street financier gave away 32 billion dollars to the third world what an incredible selfless wonderful thing to do but spare a thought for his children how annoyed would you be you've done what dad ah so you're telling me the only way I'm gonna get my inheritance now is if I move to Africa and gates livid have a guest ladies gentlemen how much I give every year to animal charities have a guess that's [ __ ] optimistic [ __ ] all is exactly right I realized some other people said nothing but nothing is not the same as [ __ ] all giving nothing to an animal charity would be I'm sorry I forgot [ __ ] all is much more no that's any why'd you [ __ ] all two animal charities it's cuz there are charities out there for sick and dying children I don't give anything to them either but it's the principle of the thing those are the charities I don't give to first you know why they raise all that cash to dig wells in Africa so when they're finished they can throw money in a wish for food I know you think that's offensive but it's not when you compare it to this the make-a-wish Foundation are you all familiar with the fine word the make-a-wish Foundation do broadly speaking they make dreams come true for the terminally ill what could be more worthwhile they're a great organization I thoroughly approve of what they do my only problem with them is the name I think they should be forced to change their name from the make-a-wish Foundation do they know make another wish we can't do anything about that speaking of which did you will see that heartbreaking story in the mirror newspaper last year they run a campaign [Music] are you showing off to the other children are you pretending you can read by heartbreaking story do you mean the tits on page three so I'm fine for fruit and vege thank you I presume that's what he's talking about nicely you're here that was a night off for someone in it [Music] now I talked about the make-a-wish people as you'll see this upsetting story in the mirror last year was about a five year old boy that needed a new kidney otherwise he was going to die in the mirror on a six-week campaign about this yeah I'll tell you the good thing before I tell you the funny thing that five-year-old boy is now 6 he got the kidney he made it thanks in no small part to the mirror newspaper well done then yeah but talk about heartbreaking talk about tugging the heartstrings last Christmas they printed his Christmas list in the paper and the kidney was on the list for things he wanted more number three was a little britain DVD i don't want to sound tight-fisted but i de going man there you go make you piss yourself I'll get someone to explain what kidneys do after this show I was at a party I was chatting to a guy I said what does your girlfriend do I said anything about anal I'm joking she loves it I'm in a long-term relationship but I'm not married is anyone else in that situation quite a few but you're timid about saying because I like me you'll know if you're in a long-term relationship but not married everyone friends family colleagues acquaintances everyone feels they can stir up a bit as soon as anyone hears they go have you thought about YouTube you thought about trying to start an argument between us I think it's very rude so whenever anyone says to me about a third finger II I could give it a go I'm not sure it's what the relationship is missing maybe try the shotgun two in the pink one in the stink that's how that works sorry too much doing the GU one in the poop they're nicer for everyone I don't know what conversation that prompted there I imagine that was you madam turning Tim thinking GLaDOS notice you had a woman come up to me after a show in Tunbridge Wells she said I found that shocker thing very uncomfortable no I knew what she meant but I couldn't help myself I say to the lubricant I tried some viagra recently has anyone else tried it you have one admire your honesty there sir I tried because you can now get over-the-counter viagra although that sounds powerful over-the-counter you say like a [ __ ] cosh did you read the instructions when you tried it sir you didn't I did can I take these kind of things seriously because it's a medication even though it's a fun medication to medication nonetheless I was reading on the instructions for Viagra it says keep away from children I thought what kind of a man do they think I have that can't maintain an erection with a child well in fact the child is applauded that very loudly see that there's a child in a green teacher and you are a child I'm taking going yes finally someone that can get hard with me you [ __ ] maniac how old are you sir do you mind me asking you're 14 right I can't talk to you any longer it will be grooming are you here with your mom Oh mommy's little bender [Applause] look at the map I'm gonna tell you talk to me I'll be checking in with you in a bit well that brings me very neatly on to the next bit of material who here's got kids kind of is that well sorry why Jimmy what what you chipped in with something you said you own Jimmy alright I've run a cleat slowing things down you often do that just stop people in the street go or will you boy you don't I just I just don't you just tell you to continue now I don't have kids but I've got lots of friends that have got kids they're five and six years of age I'll go run to the house I get introduced they say this is this is Jimmy he's a comedian it's a bit like a clown [ __ ] isn't and they don't swear in from the kids and then they'll say would you like to hear a joke and then look here to go yes I know I expect you to perform so I say when I was a kid I was scared of the dentist you did not believe the upset come here I'll show you so what I've done so I've got some jokes for kids I've rewritten some classic children's jokes you'll know the original shout out if you do what do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo wooly jumper I've gone for a genetic aberration that's an insult about God and man where does the policeman live no no no let's be Avenue exactly right I've got for know where he's been replaced by an under trained and poorly equipped Community Support Officer not that I'm having a go at community support officers they do valuable work without them how would we know where the nearest cash point is there's one here what cash point thanks very much are you a Community Support Officer hello how are you you're right and where's your beat each London you're a Community Support Officer in East London you having a [ __ ] laugh don't go out there without a gun go is it fun is it I imagine it's quite a good job is it it's not bad so why well well don't you there's some jokes about coppers coming up remember they don't apply to you cuz you're not real one Oh [Applause] why is it difficult to play cards in the jungle those deforestation cheetahs are actually endangered so that is quite insensitive so what you call a donkey with three legs glue just be honest with yourselves if you got a donkey with three legs you're gonna take a picture on the camera phone and then melt that [ __ ] down what's brown and sticky Anil this next one's a little bit different I think it's funny which is obviously very important but it's also educational teaches kids about the alphabet and also about social issues which can be very difficult to discuss for the under-fives why did the H kill himself because the G had [Music] right lost one of these what's yellow and dangerous shark-infested custard or the discharge from my [ __ ] I'm joking it is probably fine just smells weird I get reviewed quite a lot ladies and gentlemen journalists come along to the show in their right little piece sometimes I look at anything lost very nice and then you'll look at it again a few days later I think well you could take that in two different ways I'm gonna read some review see if you think I'm being paranoid The Times said of this show he couldn't be funnier The Guardian said this funny then there's Jimmy Carr is that a good thing catch him before he gets massive I was doing a gig up in Hull it was the second day on the tour I was doing it hell and on the front of the theater they wrote in massive letters due to public demand he's back for one night only doesn't that make it sound like the public got together and said there's only so much of this [ __ ] we're gonna stare of course we all say stupid things from time to time I was chatting to a friend of mine Peter Weir at a wedding he was chatting about how much he wanted to have children these exact words he said we'd love to have kids but infertility runs in my family you don't get there you should be sterilized my uncle said I can't be asked to get me prostate checked that's an almost then like stupidity that's so stupid it's almost brilliant it's like those big matrix signs you get about the motor weights you know the ones the big matrix signs that say this sign is not in use and you find yourself thinking whoa hang on if that's true how do I know that of course I'm guilty of a fair amount of [ __ ] would free myself I'm often putting my foot in it getting it wrong I was at the airport about six months ago got talking to this guy that plays wheelchair rugby in the Paralympics I've just seen a documentary about it called Murderball which is amazing and it's seen a bit of air on Sky Sports so I knew something about it we got chatting transpiring the conversation I didn't know what the para in Paralympics stood for oh I thought I knew but I didn't I imagine a few of you are in the same situation or have a think about what the power in Paralympics stands for stands for is not the right term to use there actually have you all got something in your hands you're - any guesses SPAC her it's definitely not sparking any other guesses paraplegic that was my first guess it's not until you say paraplegic Olympics out loud you realize it's not that is it paraplegic Olympics hang on that would just be blow football any other thoughts paratroopers well I'd ever all injured during service and and I thought we might as well have a sports day come on so any other thoughts paralytic yeah that's it there's nothing the matter with them they just pissed they've turned up to the sports day and gone what 1,500 meters you're gonna [ __ ] love a skinful last night I'll never make it I'll have a sit-down you can wheel me round no well though there is a legless gag in there somewhere but we'll leave it any other thoughts paralyzed no it's not paralyzed either parallel parallel is the right answer well done you gold star big tick not a couple it's the parent of course it's the parallel Olympics when I say it's obvious isn't it because it's parallel to the normal Olympics but we shouldn't say normal Olympics it's a minefield this which ironically is probably how some of them got there but it's the parallel it's parallel to the Olympics and it runs in the same sort of city that are holding the Olympics in it's a proper sporting event another couple of things water on the subject if you change is someone that plays wheelchair rugby in the Paralympics and you've seen a bit of it you're chatting about it you being positive about it don't at any stage even if you're joking don't ever refer to it as being like the real robot wars he laughed but there was a different attention also final thing on this never get confused between the parallel Olympics the Paralympics and the Special Olympics the Paralympics is a proper sporting event the Special Olympics is the one where they're all winners although you try telling that to the bookies when your little fella comes in seventh I can see some of you are shifting uncomfortably there you're thinking can we laugh at this sort of thing let me just reassure you ladies and gentlemen during that last bit no one in a wheelchair has ever walked out [Applause] now I don't mind proper graffiti you know gary has AIDS your mum's a bender proper graffiti but I don't like racism and I don't like racist graffiti and I've started to fight back I saw a bit graffiti last time I was in Felixstowe written on a wall something to put asylum seekers out so above it I wrote asylum seekers in below it I wrote asylum seekers shake it all about [Music] I thought well that's cheered up no end that gave me confidence I went back to a rough pub near where I live in North London someone's written on the gents wall white power so across the eye Britain Cillit bang I saw a disgraceful piece of graffiti last time I was in stoke-on-trent someone had written on a wall all coppers are [ __ ] I thought that ' should be possessive not about you I saw a brilliant sign on a police station wall it said wanted for sex attacks I didn't know they were vacancies I thought I should look into that flexible hours you get to work out don't you get to meet new people speaking of violent sexual crime and I was the fella in Ipswich last year that was murdering all those prostitutes I presume you all read about that in the papers as it was going on really grisly morbid story but you kind of can't look away I think some of the reporting is that guy was murdering loads of prostitutes was very irresponsible the news of the world led with the headline the killer is out of control now to me the headline the killer is out of control implicitly suggests that there is an acceptable number of prostitutes to murder in any given calendar month the problem with this [ __ ] lunatic is the number he's killing is just not sustainable at this rate we will run out of prostitutes in EOBs which area and then where will we be Newcastle [Applause] shall we talk about everyone's favorite member of the royal family Prince Harry come on the lil ginger one the dresses as a Nazi that's the kind of behavior we want from our inbred overlords now Prince Harry was meant to go and fight in Iraq last year but he couldn't go to Basra last July because he's ginger he would melt so would he go and actually while the rest of his unit were fighting in Basra he was found by a British journalist tracked down to a strip club in Canada and the journalist went up to him and said are you Prince Charles his son he said no he got me thinking ladies gentleman cuz he's just got back from Afghanistan what kind of preparation was that playboy lifestyle for fighting in a war I know you're probably thinking about me think it'd be much clearer if someone had juxtaposed strip clubs and war in a poem you're in luck I have I've compared and contrasted strip clubs and war in a poem it is simply entitled strip club war a little bit of culture for you ladies yeah I will read it for you now strip club war young men getting slaughtered the zookas everywhere privates standing to attention grabbing their helmets weapons going off sobbing men desperately clawing at gashes laterally fluids dribble out sweethearts back at home wondering if they'll ever see you again the number of stiffs growing by the hour freshly shaven [ __ ] shooting at anything with a beer and regretting they'd come the next generation spilling out of choppers onto hot barren mounds it's more expensive than you think it'll be when you go in and the whole thing leaves a mess will take years to clean up and of course Muslims don't like it I blame bush I'd like to get to know you all as an audience but it's difficult to get to know a lot of people in one go there's only one of me that's loads of you what I've devised as a method moral dilemmas these are questions to which there is no absolute wrong or right answer just your opinion tells me something about who you are as individuals and who you are as a group so if everyone joins in this work so everyone say yes everyone say no everyone say I can think for myself okay but let's do a warm-up first this doesn't count towards your final score just a warm-up just to get you into the spirit of things but if everyone can answer straight away that would be great is it acceptable to kill a whale in order to save two pandas that's about a 90% yes I would say this evening you've thought yeah [ __ ] it alright then way it's not gonna happen that's all the finale of the show although I wish I'd thought that I'd be [ __ ] brilliant the best response I've had to that recent ascent is it acceptable to kill a whale in order to save two pandas as a moment let them fight it out between themselves now for better for worse this is a question I use to judge an audience to judge individuals if you could all answer that would be great would you [ __ ] your dad to save your mom I don't know why you're looking some say it's easier for girls he's ugly imagine that being a factor imagine picking yeah I would [ __ ] my dad but he's not a looker he's let himself go maybe five years ago what would you say he there oh so if you want me ask you mum here as well brilliant what we can actually do a proper test now I've got snipers all the way around this building and they're pointing a gun at your mother yeah we're gonna kill her your mum's been taken hostage she's gonna be killed we would like you to bomb your dad yeah of course he's difficult get thumbing in a softy that's fine you say let her die yeah sorry hang on you're William we know in Norfolk what you booing you're booing a man saying I wouldn't bum my dad just take a moment to think about that all right so you've made your decision sorry it's all right mum it's all right mum is that is that your daughter there same question to you I love my job what point did you think as a family disappear good show to go see never mind that Lion King [ __ ] let's bring the kids out to see a proper show where we openly discuss incest the best response I've had to that summer when not again sex education is extremely important telling young kids about the birds and the bees absolutely key three quick things to remember firstly you should know the children you tell secondly there is a level of detail that is considered too graphic twelve year olds don't need to know about rimmon and such thirdly and perhaps most importantly you should only ever tell them I've got a friend that told me her new boyfriend like one of the Proclaimers I said Willy Kearney oh that looks like both of them or neither of you I like it when identical twins stand face to face because when identical twins stand face to face just for a moment you think who Avars I've got a friend that told me she was scared of dwarves said you scared of dwarves so you're so scared of normal-sized people when they're far away if you're a dwarf and you're offended by that grow up a sort of documentary recently on channel 4 is all about faith and in its a moment well of course Scientology is a made-up religion I thought as opposed to its one of my favorite things is to get Christians talking about Scientology because the Christian will go Scientologist there nutters they believe in aliens and then you can say to the Christian what do you believe in again it's a benevolent zombie that's coming back to say he wasn't it good luck without that will probably happen so he won't be to Belfast Baelfire amazing town for a friendly place the amazing thing about Belfast they can tell what religion you are just from your name or when they're with my friend rabbi Lionel they just knew give it on this if you've had an argument with someone that you really care about about something you couldn't give a [ __ ] about I had an argument with a friend of mine that I've known for 15 years about whether tomatoes are a fruit or a vegetable Moo who cares also it got me thinking can something be both a fruit and a vegetable I mean what if Graham Norton had a serious accident I realized that it's a joke about homosexual man being spasticated in my defense I did call grammar check who's fine with that he was although I would add half as a [ __ ] awkward phone call to make Oscar Wilde famously wrongly imprisoned homosexuality at least that's what I thought and then I did some further reading turns out he was gay so fair enough rules is rules come on your vendor people say to me you're gay you just don't know you're gay I always think that's kind of come as a horrible shock isn't it what at some point am I just gonna be standing around minding my own business what's that my ass yeah someone shouted out the other night gay shirt I thought oh no my shirts me [ __ ] you man in the bomb I thought that was a chocolate stain I tried to suck it out you have it on this if you have been driving along you've hit a rabbit the worst thing is the noise that horrible familiar sound of a hammer hitting a rabbit 97% of all dangerous driving offenses are committed by men you know that means means 3% are committed by bloody women drivers you know you are you're a [ __ ] menace I don't think speed cameras are fair who's with me I can't see how that if I'm driving home from this gig at 12 midnight yeah and this kids playing in the street they've got bigger problems of me well not anymore there but well let's say I'm driving out from this gig 12 midnight let's say I'm doing 40 in a 30 zone I get flashed by one of those cameras how was it fair that my girlfriend gets three points on our licence I doesn't seem fair to me she's already got 12 points she's going to have to go to jail have you all seen that incredibly powerful commercial on television where the child morphs back to life having been run over incidentally that's why you're not allowed to leave the scene of an accident you missed the best bit style it clearly states if you're doing 40 miles an hour and you hit a Chavez an 80% chance that child will die if you're doing 30 miles an hour there's an 80% chance that child will live here's my question where's the ad for swerving the adverts basically the government going on watch others get in the road slow down take the edge off but it must learn its lesson how old did you say you were sir you're 14 years old right what's your name Sam right let's say I'm driving you Sam I don't know 40 miles an hour and you run away at 10 miles an hour it's an aggregate of 30 isn't it no any of you giving yourself a chance to survive all you've also learned a little something about maths swing-wing you're right [Music] do you like girls yeah you probably don't even know your guy do you know you're gay you do you're fully aware okay oh yeah yeah no no kids we've got a camera boy to get you or anything enjoy school let's do some improv ladies gentlemen all I need is suggestions from uriah need a historical figure Nelson Oliver croc naughty yeah very much a mixed ability group this evening Oliver Cromwell naughty Mother Teresa god bless her mother trees amazing woman wasn't she very generous with her time and all the ho you do look at her and think yeah little bit of moisturizer wouldn't [ __ ] kill Joe so I'm all for helping the poor but just we love you later take the edge off that [ __ ] me it's like a saddle bag she looks like my balls I'm joking my balls are in significantly back here and Mother Teresa's face Henry alright let's go Henry the earth he's a classic let's go Henry the eighth okay well we know about him was he was a bit but should we say he was aggressive towards women he did what sorry the shagged loads of women yes he was the king there's not gonna be tricky to get a day is it hey how you doing I'm the king we'll see me [ __ ] and the crown jewels easy and ok so let's go Henry the eighth I need an accent Peruvian how optimistic are you Australian I can do Australian are you are you get [ __ ] there Australians in what am I talking about Saturday night they're working behind a bar right I need a superpower America oh okay sure I definitely said superpower tonight and you definitely said right the power to rate for good presumably to prevent crime so someone would have taken hostages the police would be there we can't get them out there what were they going to kill the hostages raped boy can you see what you can yeah I could officer don't worry I'll get in there I'll rape him first and then I'll write the other fella and then I'll write them back I don't think rape could really be construed as a suit the understanding of women you how old are you sir you've seen JD before your time you're 17 how can you not understand 17 year old women all you need to know is that easy do you know how to buy cider cider weight to ripen and bang and then off the plane the PlayStation and if you get good enough with the PlayStation you can bring her off in about half a minute a bendy car oh yeah that'd be handy so I can [ __ ] things around corners like extra long arms big veiny it's what I like Inspector Gadget have you ever seen an episode of Inspector go yeah it's good I don't think that was Inspector Gadget I think you were abused as a child I'm just gonna get out my special arm any other thoughts superpower read minds I knew you were gonna say that [Music] let's go let's go for mind-reading mind-reading sounds like that's a good power to have so Henry the eighth Australian mind-reading okay I need a belief system any others because Buddhism Muslim yes because a great thing about Islam is they can take a joke I think I might leave that one for the farewell tour go out with a bang so to speak [Applause] any other belief systems creationists of creationism is quite good that they're crazies that believe that everything was built in seven days is it any creationism no not really my target audience people that amazingly naive God love them or Americans as we call them okay so a creationist Henry the eighth Australian accent superpower what do we go with we I knew that you just had to think it and I would have got it okay finally I need something you find in a kitchen [Applause] one 1974 come on a kitchen a woman shall have my tea on mums in the kitchen she made you tea and toast a few nice your mum that's what we're going for there okay right so we've got Henry the eighth Australian accent mind-reading he's a creationist your mum should we leave in there genuinely that is all the improv I do that's my favorite bit the bit where people shout out suggestions the actual play bit at the end I was thinking a beat sheet I'm always suspicious they might just be making that up you actually look disappointed as an audience now you know I thought was gonna be pretty good the Aussie Henry the eighth and his mum are you want to get married I can read your [ __ ] mind well sheets that what sorry I forgot your mum alright there's Henry the eighth [ __ ] we miss our mom you should get him [ __ ] other kings oh yeah poor on Sheila we are taking you [ __ ] yes I know you like it I can read your [ __ ] mind well I shared things up hasn't for a moment that that poor man was right it's my mom not gonna get [ __ ] in this I'm lucky and I'm much better when I've prepared stuff ladies gentlemen and I was asked last year to write something about being British I thought well my pleasure I'd like to share it with you now what makes Britain great is our ability to laugh at ourselves and when s ourselves I mean other people and when I say laughs I mean invade but Britain is proud to boast the we're home to the most hard-working diligent and adaptable workforce in Europe the poles of course you get a lot of right-wing people saying are these poles they come over here taking our jobs I was thinking four guys from Poland arrives he doesn't speak the language doesn't have any money doesn't know anyone and he takes your job on the first day your [ __ ] [ __ ] off I was in a restaurant the other day it said on the menu all our food is made with love I thought I know a chip shop there shut down for doing there I was in a restaurant with a friend the waiter came up to take the order I said I'll have the fish of the day and my mate went oh I need that I'm trying to lose a bit of weight at the moment so I'm eating porridge every day for breakfast does anyone else he porridge for breakfast it's [ __ ] boring isn't it I'm like four spoons in thinking this is actually depressing I wouldn't mind dying I was so bereft of stimulus when I was eat my breakfast the other day I read the box of porridge genuinely says on the box of porridge no added colouring I thought but it's grain what do they think I think they might be adding extra gray a lot of people don't approve of size zero models than they're called fat people five percent of toddlers are overweight and they're called waddle errs [Music] I've got a friend she recently went to her GP just for the annual checkup she was classified by her own GP as being morbidly obese who came up with our term that's so unnecessarily harsh morbidly obese as if she doesn't have enough on her plate sounded sympathetic and then it turns out was another joke about a big fat buddy of course he goes the other way too I've got another friend they've just lost six stone I say she's lost six tone she lost a leg to diabetes still go girl slowly and carefully of course there is no need to go on a diet anyone's thinking of going on a diet there's no need all you've got to do here's the secret have a photo of yourself taken holding up a pair of enormous trousers doesn't matter how big you why everyone thinks you made a tremendous effort job done it was a shot from the side as well always with a really smug expression of look what a fat [ __ ] I was because there are some clues out there as to why we're getting bigger as a nation Domino's Pizza is a very good clues very simple business supply and demand very simple if we demand something they will supply they're happy to they now make a double decker pizza how did that happen people must have been phoning up going for those at Domino's yes how can I help you I like a pizza we get a lot of that what would you like is a topping I love another pizza of the five fruit and veg women to eat every day I think you know you're fat if you count jaffa cakes should we talk about Gillian McKeith the woman from you are what you eat begging the question what did you eat the witch from rent-a-ghost [Music] some people like us some people don't I think she's a [ __ ] disgrace because what does she do for a living she humiliates women she shakes a middle-aged woman who's let herself go but she's a bit plump big-boned she's not danger to shipping she's not hurting anyone and she's humiliates her on national television initially she goes this is what you eat in a week yeah she loved the safe fat cow but you can see it in a video line this is what you eat in a week is anyone noticed how that table of food she shows the big fat fatty he's exactly the same as the one Kerry Katona's shows it's all in the Iceland [Music] and then the piece de resistance shoots into this what like it's the most natural thing of all she goes she's into this then she's got the audacity it was a brass neck had a woman to go your pues a bit smelly he's made of sheer Chilean I think I may have solved this riddle the reason that is a little bit Ricky is it just fell out of her ass it's still warm you [ __ ] maniac most people that get cosmetic surgery are disappointed with the results but they look pleasantly surprised you ever got mixed up between car booting and dogging it's embarrassing isn't it I paid 50 P to [ __ ] guy's wife dogging all pay and display as I like to call it or park and ride makeup sex is amazing after you've had an argument but inappropriate if you've had a fight with the traffic warden women gay night when men use the last the toilet paper to get an order there ladies so what I've done is I've stopped wipe my ass and still she's upset and women in fact use twice as much toilet paper as men which is fair enough they've got double the number of bottoms I quite like that as a term for a woman or a lady I like the term double bond have you been my double bump no two buns yes one of the back has is traditional another law fell around the front little fellas may be the wrong term to use me I'll use in a sentence I was on holiday with my double bomb we were in Thailand we were having a little bit of lunch in a cafe on the beach she said I'm just gonna go for a pee I'll be back in a minute she was back almost immediately she said I couldn't go was disgusting my question is simple has that ever happened to a man in the history the world ever let's face it fellas if we're going for a peace he's gonna have the gents could be a pile of rotting corpses yeh hai the worst you're gonna get from a bloke is you want to breathe through your mouth in there [Music] she said a weird thing to me recently she said she wanted to wear a blindfold during sex I thought well fine on the one hand you want to take away one of your senses in order to heighten the other four in order to increase the erotic pleasure of lovemaking let's give that a go sounds fun on the other end I was thinking what you're really saying is I will [ __ ] you do not have to cover my eyes men propose on their knees do you know why that is it's to get them used to asking for sex when they're married the weird reaction more than you women like to dance with men because women instinctively know if they dance with the man they'll be able to tell what he's like in the bedroom and it is quite a good indicator I tend to dance for about 30 seconds then have a bit of a cry and the feeling you're laughing at me not with me man it's very cruel I've read an article recently about British men's ultimate sexual fantasy and it surprised me the result of it surprised me it was a proper server they asked 3,000 men their opinion I'd like to do a little straw poll in here this evening because the results of this I was shocked ultimate sexual fantasies anymore go on they wouldn't mind admitting to Jessica Alba it's a specific person that you that you would like to bone well I happen to know Jessica Alba does an awful lot of work for charity maybe my girlfriend well maybe we could double team err my girlfriend is your ultimate sexual fantasy yes people see my girlfriend and they see me and they say she's only going out with you because you're famous and I say bi am famous what's your point is that your girlfriend that's your girlfriend I'm not gonna swap with that [Applause] can I just clarify you are a beautiful lady no disrespect to you where he heckled I had to put him down and the only way to get to him was through you I like the way as well I suggest you girlfriend wasn't good looking up and you applauded yeah you'll be using those hands later on when you any other ultimate sexual fantasies a viking helmet what have you got two vaginas [Music] any other ultimate sexual fantasies schoolgirl and then you've pointed at your man yeah I think we've got we've got a special term for a schoolgirl fantasy now we call it pedo sorry so do you like what do you like this schoolgirl teacher schoolgirl oh really yeah no kid the specialist term for the schoolgirl unify our a pedo it's no it's good look at the positive you get to be on a list that's nice everyone in the neighborhood knows where you live that's convenient isn't it do you make a dress up as a schoolgirl she's done it half our Washington brought to my room I'm joking don't washer beastiality for easy easy let's just think this through cuz bestiality a lot of people just write off as a terrible thing let's look at both sides let's say you [ __ ] account and that could happen you sound like a nutter no let's imagine you [ __ ] care you haven't actually harmed the cow cows are [ __ ] enormous you're not going to trouble it with your tiny [ __ ] but but you know but you probably distress the animal Daisy's probably thinking what the [ __ ] is he on to on the upside though you've had a whale of a time and if you have a baby with a cow it'll be a minor tall it's like bully from bullseye just putting into terms he'll understand any other ultimate sexual fantasies an amputee it's not Paul McCartney is out casting it's a bit weird the Paul McCartney thing is that means Paul McCartney he's a national treasure a global icon he was in the Beatles and he couldn't find a woman with four working limbs I see you had to make do people actually actually she accused him I believe of hitting her which is do you think it hit her do you think he here do you think Paul McCartney hit heathermills I don't think he did but I mean if I'm honest I would have done advocating violence against women in any way shape or form but it'd be interesting to know whether she would spin round like a swing ball and actually to be a she accused him of hitting her with her false leg that is disgraceful and that is a lie I can tell you why that is definitely alive because if you hit someone with a false leg technically that is a kick the reason I mention this is because in this article it said that the most common ultimate sexual fantasy ultimate sexual fantasy remember in the UK is to have two women at the same time it got me thinking well I mean I'm not saying it wouldn't be fun to have two women at the same time it is thank you show business yes I tell you what I'd be if I wasn't a comedian a virgin I just think if it's your ultimate sexual fantasy you're only limited by your imagination two women at the same time is a bit lame you can have anything you want you could have a woman with 15 tits riding a unicorn across a rainbow never mind two women at the same time I mean at least at the very least go for three cuz think about it how much better would it be having sex with two beautiful attractive women if you were safe in the knowledge all the while you were [ __ ] them there was another one outside washing the car that would make each is a little bit better wouldn't it I told my girlfriend my ultimate sexual fantasy was to have two of them at the same time and she agreed but then she was livid when I told her she was neither she was gonna be the one outside washing the car I did have a threesome once this was many years ago about 89 years ago I've seen this girl it transpired she had a twin so I asked you don't ask you don't get I asked I got there's a lesson in life it was [ __ ] brilliant one of the best experiences of my life because if anything a twin was better-looking than her and an all-round great guy yeah you knew something was coming but you didn't realize it was gonna be her brother in her are there people in from the West country going I don't really get it now I love my job I love telling jokes to people but essentially what I do for a living I'm a jester I'm a clown I'm a fool sometimes I want to be taken a bit more seriously so I'd like to take a five-minute timeout from telling you jokes and I'd like to throw some ideas at you some thoughts that I've had ladies and gentlemen that to help you with this I'm gonna bring on a trio of jazz musicians what I am how can I get some jazz musicians please thanks very much appreciate it these aren't jokes ladies gentleman I'm just gonna throw some ideas at you some thoughts that I've had right imagine ladies and gentlemen imagine we're sitting in a cafe on the left banks of the Seine you know one of those smoky cafes were smoking Gauloises we're drinking absinthe we're just chatting shooting the breeze ladies and gentlemen just talking about love and life and ideas thoughts yeah not just jokes ideas yeah let's have a little bit of a little bit of jazz just to set the mood yeah oh that's lovely yes maybe a little bit of atmosphere a little bit of atmosphere so it's like a kind of smoky cafe you know kind of smoky cafe yeah a smoky cafe not carefully where there's a chip fat fire where do we get this long machine from Duran Duran [Music] I look like head the mill sitting too close to the fire what happens if you spill carpet cleaner if an amnesiac got Alzheimer's would they forget they couldn't remember anything what size do you think the Queen's bed is if you walk backwards in flip-flops are they thought fit [Music] venison's dear isn't it the gypsies ever gone caravanning holidays I'll ask the Asterix cartoon character Asterix I wonder how rude is his real name if you were a necrophiliac pedophile that was into bestiality would you [ __ ] omelets [Music] churches are depressing I mean why build all of them in graveyards my local church is raising money for a giant thermometer you know the best cure for depression suicide the Great Barrier Reef is all very well but it doesn't seem to be keeping the Australians in [Music] consider the positive you never alone with schizophrenia if you're schizophrenic and you're offended by that you can both [ __ ] off sometimes it's self-service restaurants or buffets I tip myself bad enough of a spider lays its eggs underneath your skin and they hatch out worse if it's a goose if you're nine months premature you just a stain when someone says I hear voices I always think that were your ears I was thinking what is it that separates us from the animals fences I'm not superstitious but I heard about this guy that fell out of the 13th floor window of a building and he died I've had an idea for a shot selling used artificial limbs it's called the second-hand secondhand store a shoehorn sounds like the kind of thing a foot fetish shoes might get [Music] I'm writing a book on dream interpretation it's called you've had too much cheese why the gypsies call it a funfair when it's clearly neither a snail can travel over a razor blade without cutting itself or to put it another way sometimes scientists get bored women blink twice as much as men brilliant think of all the stuff we can get away with no I didn't say anything I was very disappointed when I went to wet and wild it's a water park we English are no good at foreign languages until we go abroad where English is a foreign language what was the best thing before sliced bread bread knife no massive sandwiches if I had an opticians I'd make them do the shop sign in a blurry font no man is an island said the isle of man I'd like to get another tattoo Pavin got a tattoo so we you like about pacifists it's always darkest just before dawn and we call that nighttime Travelodge a slogan is nothing like a good night's sleep there's a thin line between obsessive and compulsive it's a - I was gonna leave my body to science and then I thought no I'll leave it to geography why do you never hear about anyone being given five months to live some men never tell their dads that they love them and I guess that's just because they're not gay people have skeletons in the closet and gay men come out the closet shooting the gay men are coming out the closet as a scared of the skeletons confucius said how do you know you're a man dreaming you're a butterfly are not a butterfly dreaming you're a man how do I know I'm not a butterfly I drove he and white scientists have discovered a cure for the fear of flying 22 hours on a coach I went to see a hypnotist show and I really enjoyed it which made me suspicious right final thought I had an out-of-body experience I was beside myself that's quite enough of that sort of thing I think ladies and gentlemen might be a good time now as we as we clear away our jazz trio God love you for that was lovely as they will got any questions for me anyone got any criminal records haven't got a criminal record yes most rapes in an hour I'm gonna take a closer of you ladies lest I forget you you know it's a big deal for me recording a DVD I thought I'd take a little photo yeah go on once she likes you watching her pee so sorry they see the question I get asked that every show it's weird that you would ask that so because she likes a lot of people to watch her pee and is that your thing you like people to what she paid well clearly yes you didn't say that for no reason did it do you remember earlier when you said he was a feeder for making you dress up as a schoolgirl I think it might be payback time but surely you could just dress her as a schoolgirl I never do are we on you that's fine that plays into your whole pedo fantasy everyone's happy apart from anyone with any sort of sense of taste and decency frankly horrified by you - what's your name sir Sam I said well sorry Souths well yeah definitely I need a surname for this I'm not in charge of the register don't worry so what is it about being watched P that you enjoy well just tell us we're all interested to know what you do so why is it like [Music] [Applause] [Music] yes once you know once you've been with someone there's a level of intimacy that suggests that you would be able to pee in front of them or maybe [ __ ] in their chest but some people aren't like us baby some people don't think in the way they're closed-minded they've got a sense of I don't know appropriate occasion it's alright we're not taping this for honor we are lovely golden showers any other what card order I don't actually drive a car sir I roll in [Applause] any other questions thoughts what's my favorite type of cheese knob the best place I've performed I have to say in your girlfriend I saw a headline in the paper it said man held after rape I thought they cuddled I called the rape helpline center they suggested I bought balaclava PC has gone mad you can't say Siamese anymore so I guess my cat is a conjoined twin speaking of hilarious birth defects did you all read about that little girl born in India with a de limbs incredible she was born into a Hindu family so they thought she might be the reincarnation of a goddess now a spider but the test for that is pretty simple they just pop them in a bath and see if they get out on their own how annoyed would you be if you got home when your partner said to you I've got HIV I'd be [ __ ] livid it's H I like to try and see the silver lining I see the world through rose-tinted glasses I think it's because of this job even something as awful as the AIDS epidemic I like living maids in my lower head as a massive game of gay it gotcha chase me sorry I don't sound homophobic all homosexuals are [ __ ] [ __ ] and why not it's a bloody good laugh lot of Americans are still bizarrely touching about the twin towers ball you have to accept seven years on is we needed a new Wembley if you think that's offensive wait for this I've had an idea for a money-making scheme twin tower Jenga that's not even in the hook is when one of the towers collapses you shout jihad Osama bin Laden say what you like about the man he is world hide-and-seek champion I was out in town earlier I saw a disabled toilet someone had written on it out of order I thought I know what disabled means [Music] when I was a kid I was never scared of the Daleks I used to be spooked out by the Daleks but whenever there come on I just go well if they ever came here I just got upstairs they can't get me if I go upstairs but now when I watch Doctor Who I'm petrified because of all the wheelchair access we've put in everywhere they can get any way they [ __ ] line now we're frankly we're sitting ducks it would be remiss of me ladies and gentlemen not to talk to you all about the environment because that is the big issue which is upset the homeless no end a carbon footprint is a metaphor for the mark you leave on the earth as you walk through your lives of course I don't have one because I Drive everyone and he's twice as bad if you're Christian because you've got Jesus traipsing alongside I don't think they should have called it global warming I think they should have called it Earth toasty or planet snuggles just all sounds too nice doesn't it if we don't do something now we could end up as snug as a bug in Iraq trying to take global warming seriously but you know what can you do I'm driving everywhere twice the speed so we get there in half the time and I've stopped eating foxes glassier mints I tell you I feel sorry for when there's flooding in the UK I feel sorry for the fire brigade because they get 5,000 phone calls a day when this flooding going whose other fire brigade my house is underwater yeah we're already trained for that that's almost the opposite of what we do for a living Johnny give us a buzz back if it catches light okay bye-bye tell me who annoys me when there's flooding the guy in the high street in a canoe every bit of news footage there's a guy in the high street in a canoe going have you not got a canoe and you've got a car I've got canoes who's that smug to at the way the [ __ ] is he going I'm off to boot I've never been in a canoe I should really write a joke about a gay dinosaur dancing women usually take care of contraception within a relationship but some men do and they're called dads I'm not sure about abortions being available three months into pregnancy I think they should be available right the way up to GCSEs I like the phrase performed an abortion do you think anyone's ever gone a lot of people are worried that the artificial creation of sperm in laboratories means that men are essentially obsolete now women don't need men anymore because they can artificially create sperm in laboratories what do you think about that ladies luckily they keep the artificially created sperm in jam jars so you still need us to I'm not sure if that's exactly how artificial insemination works you get the gist there's nothing rude about gist you're making your own jokes now my girlfriend said to me recently we can't have sex I've got a headache I said I'm gonna be right at the other end you want to get back to me if you get a penny of a JJ that's right I said vajayjay what of it I've got an awkward question for you it's all good whether you're here on a first day or whether you're in a long-term relationship it's all good for everyone should you spit or swallow following oral sex well there's a fellow there that loves the taste is fun now it's an awkward questions pretty much the cutting edge of sexual politics I'm gonna sort this out if you want to for all you'll never have to think about it again ladies and gentlemen should you spit or swallow following oral sex it doesn't matter once I've ejaculated I'm asleep you can do what you [ __ ] like you can gargle the national anthem for all I care as long as he doesn't wake me up or interfere with you calling your cab and then within don't we be sorry that was misleading she swallowed that was a deaf girl I was [ __ ] if you've got their friends if you've got their friends you should never do the Deaf voice just say things like that that is pretty much kryptonite to the deaf if you really want to [ __ ] with deaf friends say things like that because then they know you're saying something bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla how was the deaf girl in that joke using the phone if you're deaf and you are offended by anything you've heard I'm gonna leave you with this ladies gentlemen it's been a pleasure talk to you I'm gonna leave you with a story about shouting out I like it when people shout out when they join in in life whether it's a comedy show or just out in the world I was at a tennis match eight years ago watching Tim Henman play I'm a big fan of Tim Henman anytime he wins a point he pretends to punch a [ __ ] are there any midgets in I didn't see you but then that is part of your charm this guy behind me in the stools shout something burly now he waits until tim hemmond walking into rvs LLL drink a barley water you know the way they do have about ten games they go drink a barley water lovely so just walking into Ivy's little drink in this guy shouts Tim Tim there's a bit of shoot at the India rackets any look and the blow goes north and [Applause] [Applause] it's a brilliant job this it's lovely you spend an hour and a half talking to people telling them jokes building up this reservoir of goodwill but then you expect you just to [ __ ] off it's a bit weird with your permission I'd like to piss away some of that goodwill on an unpleasant joke don't you know sometimes I'll tell a joke that's a bit edgy and I feel as an audience you go oh it's a little bit close to that go on then you why you like I'd like to tell one now that mate you go would you like to hear it well it's a joke about love can love conquer all order the practicalities of life get in the way what a great example of this is May to December relationships relationships where there's a bit of an age gap can love conquer that divide or does life get in the way the practicalities it's probably as many different opinions as there are people in this room here's my opinion for what it's worth I think you know a girl is too young for you if you're having to make the aeroplane noise to get your [ __ ] in her mouth they come to train into the tunnel there's three things I like the mother joke firstly I like the fact it's a bit edgy I like edgy jokes it's about as edgy as I'd want to be second thing I like about it next time you're being intimate with your partner's I know you're sad they're thinking I think he's a bit too mature for that he's thinking but third thing I like about that joke probably later on tonight maybe tomorrow the next day someone's going to say to you oh you're at a comedy show so this is joke I guarantee you that is all you're gonna be able to think and you'll [ __ ] you up I was [ __ ] a child in the face you know why you [ __ ] [Music] I spend a lot of my life driving around the country doing gigs and I'm often driving back late at night I don't know how you feel about it but I always pick up hitchhikers if I see a hitchhiker I will pick them up they always say the same thing to me they always say I don't live in the woods I'd like to end this evening by talking about heckling I like a bit of heckling it's great fun when people have come to see your show and they feel they can join it's like everyone's friends it's great but when you start out in this business oh my god it can be cruel I've got friend of ours doing a support act obviously if you're doing a support act people haven't paid to see you they paid to see someone else and you're sort of getting in their way his friend of mine is a very funny boy he was supporting a very famous comedian in Oxford and someone from the back of the room as he was halfway through his act and he was struggling fair enough but he didn't need this halfway through his act someone shouted you're ruining our evening [Music] [ __ ] hell there happens to me all the time happened a couple of weeks ago a guy sitting where you're sitting there sir front and center he's phone went off now everyone's got a mobile phone someone's gonna leave it on by mistakes not the end of the world you switch off not a problem he took the call so there's me in 2000 people going what the [ __ ] is this guy on he tony confidently he went i'm at a comedy show then there was a pause and he went no really I'll leave you this that has been a pleasure talking to you ladies gentleman I'll leave you this this is the harshest heckle I've ever had to deal with I was doing a gig in Edinburgh and late-in-life doesn't start till 1 o'clock in the morning so they're all out of their minds on heroin and shortbread okay so it's a late-night gig everyone's drunk and high and out of their minds and and it's all going quite well I'm about ten minutes into the gig I think you know do my usual things about eight years ago is pretty new to this game then this guy from the side shout very clearly loudly confidently just as I'm halfway through a joke my mum died of cancer that's all [ __ ] the bed what the [ __ ] I thought what I'll do with this logically and in order I said well firstly I wasn't talking about mums and secondly I wasn't talking about cancer and he came back with the epically harsh no but it was funnier than this what makes him tick that was originally about suicide bombers I've toned it down for you

Channel: Jimmy Carr

Views: 3,480,559

Rating: 4.7339206 out of 5

Keywords: jimmy carr, jimmy carr stand up, jimmy carr in concert, jimmy carr full, jimmy carr insults, jimmy carr heckle, jimmy carr funniest moments, jimmy carr comedy, jimmy car comedy special, jimmy carr laugh, 8 out of 10 cats, jimmy carr full special, full special, full stand up, full show, jimmy carr full show, stand up comedy, comedy, comedy special, netflix, comedian, jimmy carr comedian, jimmy carr funny, Bloomsbury Theatre, In concert, london, jimmy carr full stand up

Id: Tehlt1P-NM0

Length: 85min 56sec (5156 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 06 2020