Hi. This guy says, "Hello,"
I want to kill myself. You okay, sweetie? I just feel like
someone reached down my throat grabbed my small intestine,
pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck. Cookie? Carol moved her stuff out today. (all)
Ohh. - Let me get you some coffee.
- Thanks. Oh, ugh. Uh-oh, no. No, don't.
Stop cleansing my aura. Don't. Just leave
my aura alone, okay? I'll be fine, alright?
Really, everyone I hope she'll be very happy. - No, you don't
- No, I don't. To hell with her, she left me! And you never knew
she was a lesbian. No, okay? Why does everyone
keep fixating on that? She didn't know,
how should I know? Sometimes,
I wish I was a lesbian. Did I say that out loud? Alright, Ross, look, you're
feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry.
You're hurting. Can I tell you
what the answer is? Strip joints! Come on, you're single.
Have some hormones.. But I don't want
to be single, okay? I just, I just,
I just want to be married again. And I just
won a million dollars. Rachel? [gasps]
Oh, God, Monica, hi. Thank god. I just went to your building
and you weren't there. And then this guy with a big
hammer said you might be here and you are. You are. Can I get you some coffee? Decaf. Okay, everybody this is Rachel,
another Lincoln High survivor. This-this is everybody. This is Chandler, and Phoebe and Joey. And you remember
my brother, Ross? - Sure! Hi.
- Hey. So you want to tell us now,
or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids? Oh, God! Well.. ...it started about a half-hour
before the wedding. I was in this room where
we were keeping all the presents And I was looking
at this gravy boat. This really
gorgeous Limoges gravy boat. When all of sudden..
Sweet N' Low? I realized I realized I was
more turned on by this gravy boat
than by Barry. And then I got
really freaked out. And that's when it hit me how much Barry
looks Mr. Potato Head. You know, I mean, I always
knew he looked familiar, but.. Anyway, I just had
to get out of there and I started wondering
"Why am I doing this?" and "Who am I doing this for?" So, anyway,
I just didn't know where to go and I know that you and I
have kind of drifted apart but you're the only person I
knew who lived here in the city. Who wasn't
invited to the wedding. Oh, I was kind of hoping
that wouldn't be an issue. <i>["Star spangled banner"</i>
<i>instrumental]</i> Well, that's it. - You gonna crash on the couch?
- No. No, I gotta
go home, sometime. Alright.
You gonna be okay? - Yeah.
- Goodnight. Hey, Mon, look what I just
found on the floor. [chuckles] What? That's Paul's watch. Now, you just, put it back
where you found it. Oh, boy. Alright.
Goodnight, everybody. - Goodnight.
- Goodnight. [thud] [chuckling] - Hmm.
- 'Hmm.' - Hmm. Oh, no.
- Oh, sorry. - Oh, no, no. Go. Go-go.
- No, have it, really. - I don't want.
- Split it? - Okay.
- Okay. [chuckles] Thanks. You probably didn't know this
but back in high school I had a.. ...major crush on you. I knew. You did? Oh. [scoffs] I always figured
you just thought I was Monica's
geeky older brother. - I did.
- Oh. Listen, do you think and try not to let
my intense vulnerability become any kind
of a factor here but you think
it would be okay if I asked you out
sometime maybe? Yeah. Maybe. Okay. Okay, maybe I will. [laughing] - Alright. Goodnight.
- Goodnight. [door opens and closes] See ya. Mm-hmm. Wait, wait. Hey, what's with you? I just grabbed a spoon. [instrumental music] Look , I'm sorry, guys,
I just don't wanna give them any more ammunition
than they already have. Yes, and we all know
how cruel a parent can be about the flatness
of a child's pillow. Monica, hi! Um.. Monica, you're scaring me. I mean, you're like, you're all
chaotic and twirly, you know. And not-not in a good way. Yeah, calm down. You don't see Ross
getting all chaotic and twirly every time they come. That's because as far
as my parents are concerned Ross can do no wrong. You see, he's the prince. Apparently they had some big
ceremony before I was born. - Ew, ew, ew!
- What? Ugly naked guy
got a Thighmaster. (in unison)
Ew! Has anybody seen
my engagement ring? Yeah, it's beautiful. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. No-no, don't touch that. Oh, like I wasn't dreading
tomorrow enough having to give it back to him.. Hi, Barry! Remember me? I'm the girl in the veil
who stomped on your heart in front of your entire family! Oh, God and now I'm gonna
have to return the ring without the ring,
which makes it so much harder. Easy, Rach,
we'll find it. - Won't we?
- Oh, yeah. Alright, when did you
have it on last? Doy! Probably
right before she lost it. You don't get
a lot of doy these days. I know, I had it this morning and I know I had it when
I was in the kitchen with.. Dinah? Oh, don't be mad. - You didn't.
- Oh, I'm sorry. I gave you one job! Oh, but look how straight
those noodles are. Now, Monica, you know
that's not how you look for an engagement ring
in a lasagna. I just can't do it. Boys? We're going in. [knock on door] Hi. Wow. That is not a happy hi. Carol's pregnant. Ooh! I found it! W-w-what? Yeah. Do that for another two hours you might be where
I am right about now. Kinda puts that whole pillow
thing in perspective, huh, Mon? Well now, how how do you fit
into this whole thing? Well, Carol says she
and Susan want me to be involved but if I'm not comfortable with
it, I don't have to be involved. Basically it's totally up to me. She is so great! I miss her. Well, what does she mean
by involved? I mean, presumably the biggest
part of your job is done. Anyway, they want me
to go down to this sonogram thing
with them tomorrow. - Wow.
- So what are you gonna do? I have no idea. No matter what I do, though,
I'm still gonna be a father. [cutlery clanking] Well, this is still
ruined, right? No, no, no. They say it's the
same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb the the tip of his index finger. That's ridiculous. Can I use either thumb? Alright. Don't tell me.
Don't tell me. Decaf cappuccino for Joey. Coffee, black. Latte. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this. - Excellent.
- Good job. Good for me. [mumbling] - You okay, Phoebe?
- Yeah. No, I'm just, it's, uh.. It's not even worth.
It's my bank. And what did they do to you? It's not,
it's just.. Okay. I'm goin' through
my mail, and I open up their monthly,
you know, statement-- - Easy, easy.
- And, yeah.. And there's $500
extra in my account. Oh! Satan's minions
at work again. Yes, 'cause now I have to go
down there and deal with them. What are you talkin' about?
Keep it. It's not mine.
I didn't earned it. If I kept it,
it would be like stealing. Yeah, but if you spent it,
it would be like shopping. Okay. Okay. Let's say I bought
a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear
with every step I took? Not mine. Not mine. Not mine. And even if I was happy,
okay, and, and skipping. I'd hear, not-not mine.
Not-not mine. We're with you. We got it Okay. I just, I'd never
be able to enjoy it. It would be like
this giant karmic debt. (Monica)
'Chandler, what are you doin'?' Hey, what are you doing? - Oh, whoa!
- Oh, gross. - What are you doing?
- What is this? I'm smoking. I'm smoking
I'm smoking. Oh, I can't believe you. You've been so good
for three years. And this...is my reward. Hold on a second, alright. Just think about what you went through the last time you quit. Okay, so this time I won't quit. - No! Put it down.
- Alright! I'm putting it out. I'm putting it out. Oh, no! I, uh..
I can't drink this now. Alright, I'm gonna go change.
I've got a date. Is this Alan again?
How's it goin'? It's going pretty good,
you know. It's nice and we're having fun. So, when do we get
to meet the guy? - 'Yeah?'
- Let's see, today's Monday. - Never.
- Come on! No, no, not after
what happened with Steve. What are you talking about?
We love Steve. <i>Steve was sexy!</i> - Sorry.
- Yeah. Look, I don't even know
how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance
to figure that out. Well, then can we meet him? No. Sorry. - And lamb chop..
- 'Ooh, lamb chop.' How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my
hand for thirty years it'd be talking too. Okay, I think
it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch. Hey! Where's Joey? Joey ate my last stick
of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong? I think he's across the hall. Thanks. There you go. Ooh, I'm alive
with pleasure now. Hey, Pheebs, you gonna have
the rest of that Pop-Tart? Pheebs? Does anyone want
the rest of this Pop-Tart? Hey, I might. Sorry. You know, those stupid
soda people gave me seven thousand
dollars for the thumb. - Oh, my God!
- Seven thousand dollars? And on my way over here,
I stepped in gum. What is up with the universe? - What's goin' on?
- Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together. Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear. - Uh, Joey.
- Oh, God! Okay. - Oh, come on.
- That was lamb chop! Please, guys, we have to talk. Wait, wait,
I'm getting a Deja Vu. No, I'm not. Alright, we have to talk. There it is! Okay. It's, it's about Alan. There's something
that you should know. [sighs]
Oh, man, there's really
no easy way to say this, uh. I've decided to
break up with Alan. [all sighs] Is there somebody else? No, no, no. It's just.. You know, things change. People change. We didn't change. So that's it? It's over? Just like that? You know, you let
your guard down. You know, you start to
really care about someone. And I just.. I.. Look, I, I could
go on pretending-- - Okay.
- 'No!' But that wouldn't be fair to me.
It wouldn't be fair to Alan. - It wouldn't be fair to you.
- Yeah, well, who wants fair? I mean, I just want things back.
You know, the way they were. - I'm sorry.
- Oh, she's sorry! I feel better. I just can't believe this. I mean, with the
holidays coming up.. ...I wanted him
to meet my family. I'll meet someone else. There'll be other Alans. - No!
- Oh, yeah, right. - Are you guys gonna be okay?
- Hey, hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna
need a little time. I understand. [sighs]
Wow! I'm, I'm really sorry. Yeah, I mean, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you,
I'm a little relieved. Relieved? Yeah, well, I mean I had a great time with you. I just can't stand your friends. [instrumental music] (Joey)
...95, 96, 97. See, I told you. Less than a hundred steps from our place to here. You got way too much
free time. Hey, there's
the birthday boy. Ross, check it out. Hockey tickets,
Rangers Penguins tonight at the Garden
and we're taking you. Happy birthday, pal. We love you, man. [chuckles] That's funny. My birthday
was seven months ago. So? So, I'm guessing
you had an extra ticket and couldn't decide which one
of you got to bring a date, huh? Well, aren't we
Mr. The-glass-is-half-empty? Oh, my God. Oh. Is today the 20th,
October 20th? I was hoping
you wouldn't remember. [groans] What's wrong with the 20th? Eleven days before Halloween.. ...all the good costumes
are gone? Today's the day
Carol and I first.. ...consummated our.. ...physical relationship. With sex. You know what?
I'd better pass on the game. I think I'm just gonna go home
and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover. To hell with hockey.
Let's all do that. Come on, Ross.
You, me, Joey ice, guys night out. Come on.
What do you say, big guy? Huh? Huh? Huh? - What are you doin'?
- I have no idea. Come on, Ross. Alright. Alright. Maybe it will
take my mind off it. You promise to buy me
a big foam finger? - You got it.
- Alright. Look. Look. Look.
My first paycheck. [cheering] Look at the window. There's my name! Hi, me! I remember the day
I got my first paycheck. There was a cave-in
in one of the mines. And eight people were killed. Wow. You worked in a mine? I worked at
a Dairy Queen. Why? God! Isn't this exciting?
I earned this. I wiped tables for it.
I steamed milk for it. And it was totally.. ...not worth it. Who's FICA?
Why's he getting all my money? I mean, what? Chandler, look at that. Oh. This is not that bad. Oh. You're fine, yeah,
for a first job. You can totally,
totally live on this. (Monica)
'Oh, yeah. Yeah.' Hey, by the way,
great service today. - Oh!
- Yeah! Terrific. [instrumental music] Excuse me. It says to call this number if you're not
completely satisfied with this candy bar. Well, I'm not
completely satisfied. Listen, it's kind
of an emergency. Well, I guess you'd know that or we'd be in
the predicament room. [Chandler chuckles] Hold on. Fill these out.
Sit over there. Look, look, look, I don't want
to make any trouble, okay? But I'm in a lot of pain
here, alright? My face is dented. Well, you'll have
to wait your turn. Well, how long do you think
it'll be? Any minute now. [scoffs] Hey, miss.. Hey.. (Ross)
I remember the moonlight coming in
through the open window and her face had
the most incredible glow. Yes, the moon, the glow the magical feeling,
you did this part. Could I get some painkillers
over here, please? He's right.
Enough already. What is the big deal
about today? So you slept with her
for the first time. So what? You slept with her
for seven years after that. Look, it's just
a little more complicated. Well, what? What?
What is it? That she left you,
that she likes women that she left you for another
woman that likes women? A little louder, okay? I think, there's a man on the 12th floor in a coma who didn't quite hear you. Then what? My first time
with Carol was.. [whispering]
It was my first time. What? It was my first...time. With Carol? Oh. So in your whole life you've only been
with one...oh. Whoa, boy,
hockey was a big mistake. There's a whole bunch of stuff
we could have done tonight. Man, can you believe he's
only had sex with one woman? I think it's great. You know, it's sweet,
it's romantic.. - Really?
- Nah. You kiddin'? The guy's a freak.
I judge him. - Hey!
- 'Hey, buddy!' Huh? Huh? Oh...that's attractive. Oh, I thought you were great
in "Silence of the Lambs." Oh, come on, admit it! All things considered,
you had fun tonight. Fun? Where was the fun? Tell me specifically,
which part was the fun part? Where's my puck? Oh, ah, the kid has it. The kid.. [clears throat]
Excuse me, uh,
that's, that's my puck. I found it.
Finders keepers, losers weepers. You gotta do it, man. Oh yeah? Well, I'm rubber,
you're glue, whatever.. Can't do it. Listen, uh,
gimme back my puck. No. - Yes, how about--
- No. - Come here. Gimme!
- No. No. (Sizemore)
'Hey! Hey!
No rough holding in my ER!' Give me my puck! Oh! Now that was fun. [instrumental music] So, Saturday night,
the big night. Date night, Saturday night. Sa-tur-day night. - No plans, huh?
- Not a one. Not even, say,
breaking up with Janice? Oh, right, right. Shut up. Chandler, nobody likes
breaking up with someone. - 'You just gotta do it'
- No, I know. But it's just so hard, y'know? I mean, you're sitting there
with her. She has no idea
what's happening. And then you finally get up
the courage to do it and there's that
horrible awkward moment when you've handed her
the note and.. Uh, why do you have to
break up with her? Be a man.
Just stop callin'. You know, if-if you want,
I'll do it with you. Oh, thanks,
but I think she'd feel like we're ganging up on her. No, I mean,
you break up with Janice. - And I'll break up with Tony.
- 'Tony?' - You're breaking up with Tony?
- Yeah. I know he's sweet,
but it's just not fun anymore. You know, I don't know if
it's me or his hunger strike or I don't know. Does anybody want anything else? Oh, yeah, last week,
you had a wonderful nutty chocolatey kind of
a cakey pie thing that.. Nothing. Just-just..
I'm fine. What's the matter?
Why so scrunchy? Oh, it's my father. He wants to give me
a Mercedes convertible. That guy, he burns me up. Yeah, well, it's a Mercedes
if I move back home. - Oh!
- Ugh, it was horrible. He called me young lady. Ooh, I hate when my father
calls me that. Did he give you that whole "You're not up to this "
again? Oh, yeah, yeah,
actually I got the extended disco version
with three choruses of "You'll never make it
on your own." ♪ Uh-huh uh-huh Hi, Joey. - Oh, my God. Angela.
- Wow. Being dumped by you
obviously agrees with her. - Are you gonna go over?
- No. Yeah. No. Okay, but not yet.
I don't wanna seem too eager. One Mississippi,
two Mississippi three Mississippi,
that seems pretty cool. Yeah. Coming through. Move. Move! Oh, excuse-excuse me. I was kind of using
that machine. Yeah, well,
now you're kind of not. But I-I saved it.
I put my basket on top. Oh, I'm sorry.
Is that your basket? - Yes. Yeah.
- It's really pretty. Unfortunately,
I don't see suds. What? No suds, no save, okay? - What's going on?
- Hi, um, nothing. This horrible woman
just took my machine. Was your basket on top? - Yeah, but there were no suds.
- So? Well, you know,
no suds, no save. No suds, no..
Excuse me. Hold on a second. This is my friend's machine. Hey, hey, hey,
her stuff wasn't in it. Hey, hey, hey, that's not
the rule and you know it. Alright. Show's over. Nothing to see here. Okay. Let's do laundry. - That was amazing.
- Well.. I can't even send back soup. Well, that's-that's because... you're such a sweet,
gentle, uh.. Um, uh, do you, uh.. Do you-oh! hey,
you must need detergent. Oh! - What's that?
- "Überweiss." It's, uh, it's new.
It's German. It's extra tough. Rach, do you, uh..
Are you gonna separate those? Oh, God. Oh, am I being
like a total laundry spazz? I mean, am I supposed to use
like one machine for shirts... and another machine for pants? Have you, have you
never done this before? Well, not myself but I w
other people that have. Okay. You caught me.
I'm a laundry virgin. Uh, well, don't worry.
I'll use the gentle cycle. Okay, um.. Uh, basically, you wanna use
one machine for all your whites. - Whites.
- Okay? A whole other machine
for-for your colors. And-and a third for,
uh, your, uh ... ha! uh... delicates. and that would be your bras
and your... underpant-y things. Okay, well, what about..
These are white cotton panties. Would they go with whites
or with delicates? Uh, that-that..
That would be a judgment call. Ta-da! Are we greeting each otr
this way now because I like that. Look. I cleaned! I did the windows.
I did the floors! I even used all those
attachments on the vacuum except for that little
round one with the bristles I don't know
what that's for. Ah, yeah. Nobody knows. And we're not supposed to ask. Well, what do you think? - Very clean.
- It's great! - Really, it looks great.
- Very clean. Oh, I see you moved
the green ottoman. (together)
Uh-oh. H-how did that happen? I don't know. I-I thougt
it looked better there. And I.. Also it's an extra
seat around the coffee table. Yeah, it's-it's interesting. But you know what?
Just for fun. Let's see what it
looked like in the old spot. Just to compare. Let's see... Ha. Well, it looks
good there too. Let's just leave it
there for a while. Can't believe you tried
to move the green ottoman. Thank God you didn't try
to fan out the magazines. I mean, she'll scratch
your eyes right out. Guys, I am not that bad. Yeah, you are, Monica. Remember when I
lived with you? You were like a little,
you know.. [mimicking Psycho theme] That is so unfair. Oh, come on.
When we were kids yours was the only
Raggedy Ann doll that wasn't raggedy. Okay, so I'm responsible.
I'm organized. But, hey, I can be a kook. Oh. Alright, you madcap gal. Try to imagine this. The phone bill arrives but you don't pay it
right away. Why not? Because you're a 'kook'. Instead, you wait
until they send you a notice. I could do that. Okay, okay, then you
let me go grocery shopping and I buy
laundry detergent but it's not the one
with the easy-pour spout. Why would someone do that? One might wonder. Someone's left
a glass on the coffee table There's no coaster. It'a
cold drink, it's a hot day. Little beads
of condensation are inching their way closer and clr
to the surface of the world. Stop it! Oh, my God. It's true. Who am I? Monica, you're mom. [gasps] [mimicking Psycho theme] Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. 'Oh, my God!' Okay! Okay, I'll be there. That was my agent. My agent
has just gotten me a job in the new Al Pacino movie! - What?
- You're kidding! - What's the part?
- Can you believe this? Al Pacino! This guy's the reason
I became an actor. [imitating Al Pacino]
"I'm out of order? Pha." "You're out of order!" "This whole courtroom's
out of order!" Seriously,
what-what's the part? "Just when
I thought I was out" "they pull me back in." Come on, seriously,
Joey, what's the part? Uh.. [mumbling] You're.. [mumbling]
...what? I'm his butt double, ok? I play Al Pacino's butt. Alright? He goes into the showe. and then I'm his butt. - Oh, my God.
- Come on, you guys. This is a real movie and Al Pacino's in it
and that's big. Oh, no, it's terrific,
it's, it's.. You know, you deserve it,
after all your years of struggling
you've finally been able to crack your way
into show business. Okay, fine, make jokes.
I don't care. This is a big
break for me. No, you're right,
you're right, it is. So, you gonna invite us
all to the big opening? [laughing] [instrumental music] Look at it this way.
You dumped her! Right? I mean, this-this
woman was unbelievably sexy and beautiful,
intelligent, unattainable... Tell me why you did this again. - 'Hey!'
- 'Hey!' Movie star! Hey. Wait, a minute. Aren't you the guy
who plays the butt in the new Al Pacino movie? Nope. No? What happened, big guy? 'Big guy'? It felt like
a 'big guy' moment. - I got fired!
- Oh! Yeah, they said
I acted too much with it. I told everybody about this. Now everyone's gonna go to the
theatre expecting to see me and- Joey, you know what?
No one is gonna be able to tell. My mom will. Something so sweet and.. ...disturbing about that. You know, I've done nothing
but crappy plays for six years.. and I finally get
my shot...and I blow it! Wait a minute.
Maybe this wasn't your shot. Yeah. I-I think
when it's your shot you know, you-you know
it's your shot. Did...did it feel
like your shot? Hard to tell. I was naked. You know, I don't
think this was your shot. I mean, I don't even think
you just get 'one' shot. I really believe big things
are gonna happen for you. I do! And you've gotta
just keep thinking about the day that some kid is gonna
run up to his friends and go... "I got the part!
I got the part!" "I'm gonna be
Joey Tribbiani's ass!" You think?
That's so nice. - Aw, come on.
- Come here. I'm sorry, Joey.
I'm gonna go to bed, guys. - Good night.
- Good night, Monica. Uh, Mon, you, you're goa
leave your shoes out here? Uh-huh. Really? Just-just
casually strewn about in that reckless,
haphazard manner? Doesn't matter.
I'll get them tomorrow. Or- not! Whenever. She is a kook. [instrumental music] (Rachel)
'Okay, come on,
somebody, somebody.' (Monica)
'Alright, I'll go, I'll go. Okay, um, senior year
of college on a pool table. - Ooh-hoo-hoo!
- Pool table! That's my sister. Okay, okay. My weirdest place
would have to be.. ...the women's room
on the second floor of the New York City
public library. Oh, my God. What were you doing
in a library? Hey, Pheebs,
what about you? Oh, um, Milwaukee. Uh, Ross? [clears throat]
Disneyland, 1989.. "It's a small world
after all." No way. Yeah, the, uh,
the ride broke down so Carol and I went behd
a couple of those mechanical Dutch children. Then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to
return to the Magic Kingdom. Ooh, Rachel? Oh, come on,
I already went. - 'No.'
- You did not go! - Yes, I did.
- 'Come on tell us!' - Come on.
- Come on. Alright, uh.. ...the weirdest place
would have to be.. ...the foot of the bed. - Step back.
- We have a winner! I've just never...
had a relationship with that kind of passion
y'know? Where-where you have
to have somebody right there, in the middle
of a themepark. Well, it was the only thing
to do there that didn't have a line. Alright, well, see, I mean...
Barry wouldn't even kiss me on a miniature-golf course. - Come on.
- No. He said we were "holding up
the people behind us." And you didn't marry
him, because? I mean, do you think.. ...there are people
that go through life never having that kind of ...? - Probably.
- Really? Well, you know,
I'll tell you something. Passion is way overrated. - Yeah, right.
- It is. Uh, eventually,
it kind of burns out. But hopefully,
what you're left with is trust.. and security and, uh.. ...well, in the case
of my ex-wife, lesbianism. So, you know, for all those
people who miss out on that, uh, passion thing. ...there's all that
other good stuff. [sighs]
Okay. But, um, but I don't thk
that's gonna be you. - You don't?
- Mm. See, I see, uh.. ...big passion in your future. - Really?
- Hmm. - You do?
- I do. Oh, Ross, you're so great. It's never gonna happen. - What?
- You and Rachel. [chuckles] [mumbling] Why not? Because you waited too long
to make your move. and now you're in
the "friend zone". No, no, no.
I'm not in the zone. No, Ross.
You're mayor of the zone! Look,
I'm taking my time, alright? I'm-I'm-I'm laying
the groundwork. Yeah, I mean, every day I get just a little bit
closer to, uh-- Priesthood! Ross, I'm telling you, she
no idea, what you're thinking And if you don't ask
her out soon.. ...you're gonna end up
stuck in the zone forever See, I'm waiting
for the, uh, the right moment. [sighs] What? - What, now?
- Yeah. What's messing you up?
The wine? The candles?
The moonlight? Huh? You just gotta go up tor
and you gotta say - "Look, Rachel, I think- "
- Shh-shh. - Shh-shh.
- What are we shushing? We're shushing...because
trying to-to hear something. - What? What?
- Uh, don't you hear that? Ah. - See?
- Huh. ♪ New York City has no power ♪ And the milk is getting sour ♪ ♪ But to me it is not scary ♪ 'Cause I stay away
from dairy ♪ ♪ La la la la - Okay. Here goes.
- You're gonna do it? - I'm gonna do it.
- You want me to help? You come out there,
you're a dead man. Ross, Ross. Good luck, man. Thanks. - Okay.
- Okay. - Hey, where are you going?
- Outside. No-no, you-you can't go
out there. - Why not?
- Because of, uh, the reason. - And that would be?
- I, uh, I can't tell you Joey, what's going on? Okay, listen, you gotta
promise you'll never, ever tell
Ross that I told you. About what? He's planning
your birthday party. - Oh, my God. I love him.
- You better act surprised. - About what?
- My surprise party. - What surprise party?
- Oh, stop it. Joey already told me. Well, he didn't tell me. Hey, don't look at me.
This is Ross' thing. This is so typical. I'm always
the last one to know everything. No, you are not.
We tell you stuff. Uh-huh,
I was the last one to know When Chandler got bit
by the peacock at the zoo. I was the last to know,
when you had a crush on Joey when he was moving in... What? Oh. Well, it looks like
I was second to last. Hmm. It's so nice. Hmm. Hey, I have a question. Well, uh, actually, it's not
so much a question.. ...it's more
of a-a general wondering... ...ment. - Okay.
- Okay. Uh, here goes. Um, well, for a while now,
I've been wanting...to. - Oh.
- Yes, yes, that's.. - Look at that little cat...
- That's right. What? [screaming] ♪ I'm on the top of the
world looking ♪ ♪ down on creation ♪ And the only explanation
I can find ♪ ♪ Is the love that I found ♪ Ever since
you've been around.. ♪ Alright, this is just Bactine.
It won't hurt. Ow! Ow! Sorry, that was wax. Oh...poor little Tootie
is scared to death. We should find his owner. Why don't we just put
the poor little "Tootie" out in the hall? During a blackout?
She'll get trampled. Yeah. [instrumental music] Hey, gorgeous.
How's it going? Dehydrated Japanese noodles
under fluorescent lights. Does it get better than this? Question, you're not
dating anybody, are you? Because I met somebody
who would be perfect for you. Ah, you see, perfect
might be a problem. Had you said, co-dependent
or self-destructive... - Do you want a date, Saturday?
- Yes, please. Okay. He is cute, he's funny,- - He's a "he"?
- Well, yeah. Oh, God. I just...I thought.. ...you're not, so.
Good, Shelly. Okay. I'm just gonna go flush
myself down the toilet now. Okay.
Bye-bye. (Chandler)
It's hard to enjoy cup
of ramen noodles after that. I mean, is that ridiculous? Can you believe she
actually thought that? Um.. ...yeah. Well, I mean,
when I first met you, y'know I thought maybe..
Possibly you might be. - You did?
- Yeah, but then. But then you spent Phoebe's
entire birthday party talking to my breasts so then I figured
maybe not. Huh, did uh...any of the
rest of you guys think that when you first met me? - I did.
- Yeah, I think so, yeah. - Not me.
- No, no, me neither. Although, uh, you know,
back in college, Susan Salid. You're kidding. - Did you tell her I was...
- No. Well, it's just 'cause uh... I wanted to go out with her too. So I told her, actually you were seeing
Bernie Spellman who also liked her, so.. Well, this is fascinating. So, uh,
what is it about me? I don't know. 'cause you're smart,
you're funny-- Ross is smart and funny.
You ever think that about him? Yeah! Right! What is it? [laughing] Okay, I-I don't know. You-you just...you have
a quality. - Yes, right.
- Exactly. Yeah, a quality. Oh, oh, a quality, good. Because I was worried
you guys were gonna be vague about this. [instrumental music] How we doing?
You guys ready? So, mom already
called this morning to remind me not to
wear my hair up. Did you know my ears
were not my best feature? Some days it's all
I can think about. Hi, I'm sorry I'm late. I couldn't find my bearings. Oh, you-you mean your earrings? What did I say? [Rachel clears throat] - Are these the shoes?
- Yes. Paolo sent them from It. What we..
We don't have shoes here? Morning, are we ready to go? Well, don't we look nice
all dressed up. It's stuff like that, isn't it? [instrumental music] [dramatic music] (Monica)
It was really
a beautiful service. It really was. Oh, come here, sweetheart. You know I think it might be time
you to start using night cream. - What?
- Nothing, nothing. Just your overcoat sounds
remarkably like Brent Musburger. Check it out. Giants, Cowboys. You're watching
a football game at a funeral. No, it's the pre-game. I'm gonna watch it
at the reception. You're a frightening,
frightening man. Oh, no.
My new Paolo shoes. Oh, I hope they're not ruined. God, what a great day. What? Weather-wise. I know, yeah.. ...the air, the trees. Even though Nana's gone
there's-there's something almost uh,
I don't know, almost li-- - Ross!
- Oh, Ross, are you okay? - I'm fine, I'm fine.
- Oh. I'm just-just having my worst fear realized. [instrumental music] Excuse me, sir. Hi. You come in here
all the time. I was just wondering, do you
think there's a possibility that you could give me n
advance on my tips? Huh? No. Okay, okay.
That's fine, fine. Hey, I'm sorry
about that spill...before. Only $98.50 to go. - Hey.
- Hey. Ross, did you know
that mom and dad are going to Puerto Rico
for Thanksgiving? What? No, they're not. Yes, they are.
The Blymans invited them. You're wrong. I am not wrong. You're wrong. No, I just talked to them. I'm calling mom. - Hey, hey.
- Hey. 'And this from
the cry-for-help department' are you wearing make-up? Yes, I am. As of today,
I am officially Joey Tribbiani.. Actor/model. Thank you. That's so funny, 'cause I was
thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani... ...man/woman What were you modeling for? Oh, you know those posters
for the city free clinic? Oh, wow, so you're gonna
one of those "healthy, healthy,
healthy" guys? You know, the asthma guy is
really cute. Do you know
which one you're gonna be? No, but I hear Lyme disease
is open, so, you know? Good luck, man.
I hope you get it. Thanks. Well, you were right. How can they
do this to us, huh? - It's Thanksgiving.
- Oh, okay. I'll tell you what.. How about if I
cook dinner at my place? I'll make it
just like mom's. Will you make the mashed
potatoes with the lumps? You know they're not actually
supposed to h-- I'll work on the lumps! Joey, you're
going home, right? Yeah. And I assume, Chandler,
you're still boycotting all
the pilgrim holidays. Yes, every single one of them. And Phoebe, you're gonna be
with your grandma? Yeah, and-and her boyfriend,
but we're celebrating Thanksgiving in December
'cause he's lunar. S-So you're free
Thursday, then? - Yeah. Oh, can I come?
- Yeah. Rach, are you still thinking you're gonna make it to Vail? Absolutely. Shoop, shoop, shoop. Only $102 to go. I thought it was $98.50. Yeah, well, it was,
but I-I broke a cup. Well, I'm off to Carol's. Ooh. Ooh. Why don't
we invite her? Ooh, Ooh because
she's my ex-wife and will probably want
to bring her ooh, ooh lesbian life partner. ...first saw the
giant dog shadow fall over
the park Yeah, but did they have
to shoot him down? I mean that was just mean. Okay, right about now the turkey should be crispy
on the outside juicy on the inside... Why are we standing here? We're waiting for you
to open the door. You've got the keys. No, I don't. Yes, you do. When we left, you said,
"got the keys." No, I didn't.
I asked, "got the keys█ No, no, no, you said,
"got the keys."█ Either of you
have the keys?█ The oven is on! Oh, I've got to get my ticket! Oh, wait, wait.
We have a copy of your key. Well, then get it! Get it! Hey, hey, that tone wont
make me go any faster. - Joey.
- That one will. [instrumental music] Nope, not that one. Can you go any faster
with that? Hey, I got one key hole
and about a zillion keys. You do the math. Why do you guys have so many
keys in there anyway? For an emergency
just like this. Alright, listen, smirky,
if it wasn't for you and your stupid balloon,
I would be on a plane watching a woman
do this right now but I'm not. I swear you said
you had the keys! No, I didn't! I wouldn't say I had the
keys unless I had the keys... And I obviously did not
have the keys! Oh, okay, alright. That's it.
Enough with the keys. - Why would I have the keys?
- Oh. Aside from the fact that
you said you had them? - But I didn't.
- Well, you should have. - 'Why?'
- 'Because.' - 'Why?'
- 'Because.' Why? Because everything
is my responsibility? Is that-isn't it enough
that I'm making Thanksgiving dinner
for everyone? You know, everyone wants
a different kind of potato. So I'm making
different kinds of potatoes! I mean, does anybody care what kind of potatoes I want? <i>No! No! No!</i> You know, just as long Phoebe
gets her peas and onions and Mario gets his tots and... It's my first Thanksgiving!
and I.. It's all burned! and.. [sobbing] Okay, Monica, only dogs
can hear you now. Look, the door's open.
Here we go. Oh, God. - Oh.
- Oh. Well... turkey's burnt! Potatoes are ruined.
Potatoes are ruined. Potatoes are ruined. ♪ Here we come ♪ Walkin' down the.. This doesn't smell
like mom's. No, it doesn't, does it? But you wanted lumps, Ross? Well, here you go, buddy.
You got one! Oh, God, this is great! The plane is gone, so I guess
I'm stuck here with you guys! Hey, we all
had better plans, okay? This was nobody's
first choice. Oh, really? So why was I busting
my ass to make this delicious
Thanksgiving dinner?! You call that delicious? [indistinct chatter] Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Now, this feels
like Thanksgiving. [instrumental music] Guys, there's, uh, somebody
I'd like you to meet. [gasping] Wait, wait. What is that? "That" would be Marcel. - You wanna say hi?
- No! No, I don't. Oh, he is precious!
Where did you get him? My friend Bethel
rescued him from some lab. That is so cruel. Why? Why would a parent
name their child Bethel? Hey, that monkey's got
a Ross on his ass. Ross, is-is he gonna live with
you, like, in your apartment? Yeah, I mean, it's been kind of
quiet since Carol left, so.. And why don't you just
get a roommate? Nah. I don't know. I think you reach a certain age having a roommate
is just kind of pathe— Uh, sorry,
that's-that's, pathet which is Sanskrit for
"really cool way to live". [instrumental music] (Ross)
Come here, Marcel. Sit here. Pheebs, I can't believe
he hasn't kissed you yet. I mean, God, by my
sixth date with Paolo I mean he'd already
named both my breasts. Oh, did-did I
just share too much? Just a smidge. David's, like, you know,
a scientist guy. He's very methodical. - I think it's romantic.
- Me too! Oh. Did you ever see
"An Officer and a Gentleman"? (together)
Yeah. Well, he's kind of like the guy I went to see that with. Except.. Except he-he's smarter
and gentler and sweeter. I just, I just wanna be
with him all the time. You know, day and night. And night and day. And special occasions. Wait a minute. Wait.
I see where this is going. You're gonna ask
him to New Year's, arent you? You're gonna break the pact.
She's gonna break the pact. No, no, no. No.. Yeah, could I just... [gasping] Yeah, 'cause I
already asked Janice. - 'Oh!'
- Chandler!
- What? Come on, this was a pact!
This was your pact! I snapped, okay? I couldn't handle
the pressure and I snapped! Yeah, but Janice? That-that was like the
worst breakup in history. I'm not saying
it was a good idea. I'm saying I snapped. Hi, hey, hi, sorry I'm late. [chuckles] Too many jokes. Must mock Joey. Nice shoes, huh? [bells jingling] God, you're killing me. Oh, Ross! He's playing
with my spatulas again! Look, he's not gonna
hurt them, right? Do you always have
to bring him here? But.. Look, I didn't wanna
leave him alone. Alright? We-we had our
first fight this morning. I think it has to do
with my working late. I said some things
that I didn't mean and.. ...he threw some feces. You know, if you're
gonna work late I can look in on him for you. Oh, that would be great! But if you do make sure
it seems like you're there to see him. Okay? And you're not, like,
doing it as a favor to me. Okay. But if he asks,
I'm not going to lie. [instrumental music] Hey, guys, I'm doing
all new material tonight. I have 12 new songs
about my mother's suicide. and one about a snowman. Might wanna open
with the snowman. - Hey, Joey.
- Hey, Joey. - Hey, buddy.
- Hey, Jo. So how'd it go? Uh, I didn't get the job. (together)
Oh. How could you not get it? You were Santa last year. I don't know,
some fat guy's sleeping with the store manager. He's not even jolly.
It's all political. So what are you gonna be? Uh, I'm gonna be
one of his helpers. It's just such a slap
in the face, you know? Hey, do you guys know what
you're doing for New Years? [indistinct chatter] Gee! what?
What is wrong with New Years? Well, nothing for you.
You have Paolo. You don't have to face
the horrible pressures of this holiday. Desperate scramble to
find anything with lips just so you can have somebody
to kiss when the ball drops - Man, I'm talking loud! Well, for your information Paolo's gonna be in Rome
this New Year's. So I'll be just as pathetic
as the rest of you. Yeah, you wish. Just that I'm sick of ba
victim this Dick Clark Holiday. I say this year,
no dates, we make a pact. Just the six of us. Dinner. - Sure.
- Okay. We'll do that. You know, I was hoping for
a little more enthusiasm. [cheering] Okay, Phoebe, you're on. Oh, oh, good. Okay, hi. Ladies and gentlemen
back by popular demand. Miss Phoebe Buffay. Wooo! [applauding] Hi. Thanks. Hi. Uh, ahem, I wanna
start with a song that means a lot to me
this time of year. ♪ I made a man
with eyes of coal ♪ ♪ And a smile so bewitchin' ♪ How was I supposed to ♪ That my mom was dead
in the kitchen ♪ ♪ La la la la la.. ♪ My mother's ashes ♪ Even her eyelashes ♪ Are resting in
a little yellow jar ♪ ♪ And sometimes
when it's freezing ♪
[indistinct chatter] ♪ I feel a little sneezy
and now I.. ♪
[indistinct chatter] Excuse me? Excuse me? Yeah, noisy boys. Is it something that you would
to share with the entire group? No, no, that's-that's o. Well, come on,
if it's important enough to discuss while I'm playing. Then, I assume it's
important enough for everyone else to he. That guy's going
home with a note. [clears throat]
Nothin', I was,
I was just saying-- - Could you speak up, p?
- Sorry. I was.. I was just saying friend
that I thought you were the most
beautiful woman that I'd ever seen
in-in my life. And then, he said that,
you-you said you thought - Daryl Hannah
- Daryl Hannah was the most, uh,
beautiful woman that he'd ever seen in his life. And I said, "Yeah, I lir
in Splash a lot "but not so much
in-in Wall Street. I thought she had a.. (together)
...hard quality. 'And, uh, and, uh, well,
Daryl Hannah' is beautiful in
a conventional way you are, uh, luminous
with a kind of delicate grace. Then, uh, that-that-that's
when you started yelling. Okay, we're gonna
take a short break. I think that guy's going
home with more than a note. Do you think they have
yesterday's"Daily News?" Why? I just want
to check my horoscope to see if it was right. Oh, my God, Phoebe. Don't look now but behind you,
there is a guy who has the potential
to break our hearts and plunge us
into a pit of depression. Where? Oh, come to mama. He's coming. Be cool.
Be cool, be cool. - Nice hat.
- (Both) Thanks. - We should do something..
- Whistle. - We are not going to w.
- Yeah, come on. Do it. - No! No!
- Do it! Do it! Do it! ! Whoa-whoa! [siren blaring] [tires screech] [thud] Oh! I can't believe
you did that! [instrumental music] (Monica)
'Why did I whoo-hoo?' I mean, what was I
hoping would happen? That-that he'd
turn around and say "Ooh. I love that sound,
I must have you now?" I just wish there was
something we could do. Hello. Hello, coma guy. Get up, you Girl Scout!
Up! Up! Up! Phoebe, what are you doing? Maybe nobody's tried this. I wish we at least knew his nam. 'Would you look at that' I mean, even sleeping,
he-he looks smart. I bet he's a lawyer. Yeah, but did you see
the dents in his knuckl? - That means he's artistic.
- Okay. He's a lawyer who teaches
sculpting on the side. - And he can dance.
- Oh! Yeah, he's the kind of of guy when you're talking,
he's listening you know, and not saying
"Yeah, I understand" but really wondering
what you look like naked. Oh, definitely! I wish all guys
could be like him. I know. Hey, Rach. - Hey.
- Hello. Hello. Going to the hospital tonight? No. You? No. You? You just asked me. Okay, maybe
it was a trick question. Um, Rachel,
can we do this now? Okay. [chuckling]
I am so hot! And, uh, here's a pictue
of my mother and father on their wedding day. Now, you tell me
she's not a knockout. I cannot believe
we're having this conversation. Come on! Just try to picture
not pregnant. That's all. Central Perk is proud
to present Ms. Phoebe Buffay! [cheering] (Phoebe)
'Thanks.' Hi. Um, ahem, okay. I'd like to start with a song that's about a man
that I recently met who's, um, come to be
very important to me. Okay. ♪ You don't have to
be awake to be my man ♪ ♪ Long as you have brainwaves ♪ I'll be there
to hold your hand ♪ ♪ Though we just met the
day there's something ♪ ♪ I have got to say Okay. Thank you very muh
I'm going to take a short break. No, really. Come on.
You're smart. You're sexy - Oh, right.
- Listen to me, kiddo. You're going to be fine.
Believe me. Uh-oh. Uh.. I'll just pee in the street. [knock on door] - Hey, is Chandler here?
- Yeah. Okay, come here. Okay, uh, about last night. You know. Chandler.
You didn't tell.. Okay, 'cause I'm thinking
we don't need to tell Chandler I mean,
it was just a kiss right? One kiss, no big deal. Right? - Right, no big deal.
- Okay. In bizarro world! - You broke the code.
- What code? You don't kiss
your friend's mom. Sisters are okay.. ...maybe a hot-lookin' aunt,
but not a mom. Never a mom! [screams] What are you guys
doing out here? Uh, well, Joey
and I had discussed getting in an early-morning
racquetball game. But, um, apparently,
somebody overslept. Yeah, well,
you don't have your racquet. No, no, I don't because
it's being restrung. Somebody was supposed
to bring me one. Yeah. Well, you didn't call
and leave your grip size. You guys spend a way
too much time together. Okay, I'm scum. I'm scum! Ross, how could you
let this happen? I don't know. God, I.. Well, it's not like
she's a regular mom, y'know? She's-she's sexy. She's... You don't think my mom's sexy? - Well, not in the same way.
- Hey! I'll have you know
that Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman
in her day, alright? You think it's easy giving
birth to seven children? Huh? Okay, I think we're getting
into a weird area here. - Hey.
- Hey. What are you guys
doing out here? Well, n-not playing racquetball! He forgot to leave
his grip size. - He didn't get the goggles.
- Oh. Well...sounds like
you two have issues. - Bye, baby.
- Ciao, bella. Do they wait for me to do this? - So are you gonna tell?
- No, I'm not going to tell him. Why would I tell him? How about 'cause if you,
his mother might. - Oh.
- What are you guys doing here? Uh...he's not even
wearing a jock strap. What did I ask? - Oh, my God.
- You're my friend. I, I had to tell you. I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom? Yeah, I mean, uh, I-I dont know if you noticed
but he had a lot to drink. You know, I mean, you kknow
how he gets when he's druu-- I can't do this. I did it. It was me. I'm sorry. - I kissed your mom.
- What? I...I was really upset
about Rachel and Paolo and I think I had too much
tequila and Nora, um.. Mrs. Mom, your Bing, was uh... She was just being nice,
you know, and-and.. But nothing happened.
Nothing. Ask Joey. - Joey, uh, he came in..
- You knew about this? Uh, you know, knowledge
is a tricky thing, uhh.. I spent the entire day with you.
Why didn't you tell me? Hey, hey, hey,
you're lucky I caught them when I did, or else who knows
what would have happened? Thanks, man. Big help. I can't believe this.
What the hell were you thinking? I wasn't. I-I don't know. You know, of all my friends,
no one knows the crap I go through with my mom
more than you. - I know. I--
- I can't believe you did this! - Chandler..
- Me neither, you know-- I'm still mad at you
for not telling me. - Chandler..
- Why you mad at me? Let me slam the door! Chandler, well,
I didn't kiss her. He did! See what happens
when you break the code? - Joey.
- Ah. Uh. Aunt Syl, stop yelling. All I'm saying is,
if you had told me vegetarian lasagna
I would have made vegetarian lasagna. Well, the-the meat's
only every third layer. May-maybe you could scrape. Ross, did you really read all these baby books? Yep, you could plunk men in the middle of
any woman's uterus no compass.. ...and I could find my way
out of there like [snaps] that. Ooh, this is cool. It says, "In some parts
of the world "people actually eat
the placenta." And we're done
with the yogurt. Sorry. Aunt Syl, I did this
as a favor. I am not a caterer. What do you want me to do
with a dozen lasagnas? Nice talk, Aunt Syl. You kiss Uncle Freddie
with that mouth? Hey, Ross. Listen. Do you know
that right now your baby
is only this big? This is your baby. Hi, daddy. Hello. How come you don't
live with mommy? How come mommy lives
with that other lady? What's a lesbian? [speaking in Italian] Honey, you can say it.
You can.. Poconos. Poconos. It's like poke-a-nose. Ah, poke-a-nose. Hmm. (together)
Blah, blah, blah. So did I hear Poconos? Yes, my sister's giving us
her place for the weekend. Whoo-hoo.
First weekend away together - Yeah, that's a big step.
- 'I know.' Oh, it's just a weekend.
Big deal. Wasn't this just supposed
to be a fling, huh? Shouldn't it be.. ...flung by now? I mean, we are way past
the fling thing. I mean, I am feeling things
that I've only read about in Danielle Steel books,
you know? I mean, when I'm with h,
I'm just totally, total. Nauseous. I'm
physically nauseous. What am I supposed to d?
Call immigration? I could call immigratio. I think it's the most beautiful
table I've ever seen. - I know.
- So how does this work? You're gonna balance the plates
on these little guys' heads? Who cares?
We'll eat at the sink. Come on.. Heads up, Ross. Score! You suck. Are you okay? I need some milk. Okay. I've got milk. Here you go. Oh. Better? No. Oh, I feel so stupid!█ Oh, I think about
the other day with you guys you know and I was all,
"Oh, Paolo, he's so great!" "He makes me feel so..." Oh! God. I'm so embarrassed. I'm so embarrassed. I'm the one he hit on. Phoebe, I unleashed him,
if I had never met him this would have
never happened to you. (together)
I'm so sorry. - No Phoebe, I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry. - No, I'm sorry!
- No, I'm sorry! Oh, wait. Oh.. ...what are we sorry ab? I don't know. Right. - He's the pig.
- Such a pig. - Oh, God, he's such a pig!
- Oh, he's like a-- He's like a big,
disgusting pig. - Yeah, like a..
- Pig...pig man. Yes, good. Okay. Oh, but he was my pig man. How did I not see this? Oh, I know! Because he's gorgeous and he's charming.. And when he
looks at you-- - Okay, okay, Pheebs.
- Oh, the end. Oh, God. Should I not
have told you? No. No, trust me. It's-it's-it's much better
that I know. Uh, I just liked it better
before it was better. [instrumental music] I think she took it
pretty well. You know, Paolo's over there
right now, so.. We should get over there
and see if she's okay. - What? Oh.
- Just one...second. [cheering] (together)
Score. - Game. Nice.
- Yes. - Come on, Pheebs.
- Ah, ooh! Well, looks like, uh,
we kicked your butts. No, no, she kicked
our butts. You could be on the Olympic
standing-there team. Come on, two on one. What are you
still doing here? She just broke up
with the guy. It's time for you
to swoop in. - What? Now?
- Yes, now is when you swoop! You gotta make sure that
when Paolo walks out of there the first guy
Rachel sees is you. She's got to know that
you're everything he's not! You're like-like
the Anti-Paolo. My Catholic friend is right. She's distraught.
You're there for her. You pick up the pieces,
and then, you usher in.. ...the age of Ross. [screaming] (Chandler)
'I'm sorry. I'm sorry.' That is it!
You just barge in here! - You don't knock!
- I'm sorry! You have no respect
for anybody's privacy. - Rachel, wait, wait.
- No, you wait. - This is ridiculous--
- Can I just say one thing? What?! What?! That's a relatively open weave and I can still see your... "nippular" area. [gasps] [indistinct] Okay. You guys want
anything else? Oh, yes, could I have
one of those-- No, I'm sorry.
We're all out of those. - Anybody else?
- Okay. Did I, uh, did I miss
something between-- No. She's still upset
because I saw her boobies. Well, what? What-what when
you doing seeing her boobies? It was an accident, it's not
like I was across the street with a telescope
and a box of doughnuts. [laughter] Okay, okay. Can we change
the subject, please? Yeah, 'cause, hello,
these are not her 'boobies'. These are her breasts. Okay, Pheebs. I was hoping
for more of a change. You know, I don't know
why you're so embarrassed. They were very nice boobies! "Nice"? They were nice? I mean, that's it?
I mean, mittens are nice. Okay. Rock. Hard place..
Me! You're... you're...
you're so funny. He's really funny. I wouldn't want to be te
when-when the laughter stops.. Whoa, whoa.
Back up there, sparky. What did you mean by that? Well, it just seems
as though that maybe you have
intimacy issues, y'know... that you use your humor
as a way of... keeping people at a distance. - Huh.
- I mean, hey... I just met you.
I don't know you from Adam. Only child, right? Parents divorced
before you hit puberty. Uh-huh. How did you know that? It's textbook. - Hey, you guys.
- Hey, Joe. - You all know my dad.
- Hey, hey, hey. Hey, how long you in the city? Just for a couple of days.
I got a job Midtown. I figured I'm better off
staying with the kid than hauling my ass
back and forth on a ferry. I don't know this one. - Oh, this is my friend, Roger.
- Hi. Hey, hey. - Good to meet you, Rog.
- 'You too, sir.' What happened
to the, uh, puppet guy? Dad. Oh, oh. Excuse me. So, Ross, uh, how's the wife? [moans] 0 for two, huh? Uh, Chandler, quick,
say something funny. I got to go. [laughs]
Miss you too. I love you, but it's getting
real late now-- - Let me say hi.
- Oh, wha-no wait-- Hey, ma, listen. I made the appointment
with Dr. Bozita and.. Excuse me? Did you know this isn't ma? Her name's Ronni. She's a pet mortician. Sure. So, how long you been.. Remember when you were
a little kid, I used take you to the navy yard
and show you the big ships? Since then? No. It's only been six years... I just wanted to put
a nice memory in your head so you'd know I wasn't
always such a terrible guy. Joe, you ever been in love? I don't know. Then you haven't.
You're burning your tomatoes. [chuckles]
You're one to talk. Joe, your dad's in love
big time and the worst
part of is... it's with two different women. Oh, man, please tell
me one of them is ma. Of course, of course,
one of them's ma. What's the matter with you? It's like if you woke up one day and found out your dad
was leading this double life. He's, like, actually
some spy working for the CIA That would be cool. This blows! Yeah. I know. I mean, why can't
parents just stay parents? You know, why do they
have to become people? Why do they have.. Why.. ...can't you stop starig
at my breasts? What? What? Did you not get a good enough
look the other day? Alright, alright.
We're all adults here. There's only
one way to resolve this. Since you saw
her boobies, I think, uh you're going to have
to show her your pee-pee. You know, I don't
see that happening. Come on. He's right.
Tit for tat. Well, I'm not
showing you my "tat". How do I look? Oh, um...I don't care. There's Lorraine. Okay, now remember,
no trading. You get the pretty one,
I get the mess. - Hi, Joey.
- Hey. Well, well. Look what you brought. Very nice. And what did you bring? She's checking her coat. Joey, I'm going to go wash
the cab smell off my hands Will you get me
a White Zinfandel and a glass of red
for Janice. Janice? No. Janice? Oh my God. Hey, it's [mumbling] Janice. You know.. ...ever since I was little I've been able
to pick up quarters with my toes. Yeah? Good for you. Uh, quarters
or rolls of quarters? By the way, Chandler I cut you out
of all my pictures so if you want,
I have a bag with just your heads. That's okay. Oh, are you sure? Really? Because you know,
you could make little puppets out of them
and you could use them in your theater of cruelty! We can't do that. What? What can't you do? Uh, can I talk to you
for a second, over there? Uh. We might be leaving now. Tell me it's you and me, "we" She said she wants to slather
my body with stuff and then lick it off. I'm not even sure
what "slathering" is. But I definitely want
to be a part of it. Okay, you cannot do this to me. You're right.
I'm sorry. Uh, can we have three
chocolate mousses to go, please? I'm out of here. Look.. ...here's my credit card. Dinner's on me.
I'm sorry, Chandler. I hope she throws up on you. Thanks. So. Just us. Oh, what a crappy night. Although,
I have enjoyed the fact that your shirt's been
sticking out of your zipper. ever since you came back
from the bathroom. Excuse me. How you doing? So.. ..do we have the best friends
or what? Joey's not a friend. He's.. ...a stupid man
who left us his credit card. Another drink?
Some dessert? A big screen TV? I will go for that drink. You got it.
Good woman! [snaps] Can we get a bottle of most
overpriced champagne? - Each.
- That's right, each. Oh, and a Rob Roy. I've always wanted to know. Happy Valentine's Day. Okay. Okay. Roger was creepy, but he was
nothing compared to Pete Carney Which one was Pete Carney? "Pete the Weeper"? Remember the guy
that used to cry every time we had sex? [fake crying]
"Uh, was it good for you?" Yeah, well, I'd take
a little crying any day over Howard the "I win" guy. "I win, I win." I went out with the guy
for two months. I didn't get to win onc. How do we end up
with these jerks? We're good people. I don't know,
maybe we're like some kind of magnets. I know I am. That's why I can't wear
a digital watch. There's more beer, right? Oh! You know my friend Abby
who shaves her head? She says that
if you want to break the bad boyfriend cycle you can do, like,
a cleansing ritual. Pheebs, this woman
is voluntarily bald. Yeah. So, we can do it
tomorrow night, you guy. It's Valentine's Day.
It's perfect. Okay. Well,
what kind of ritual? Okay, we can um.. ...we can burn the stuff
they gave us. Or? Or, or we can chant and dance around naked. You know, with sticks. - Burning is good.
- Burning is good, yeah. I got stuff to burn. (Phoebe)
Okay, so now
we need sage branches and the sacramental wine. All I had is-is oregano
and a Fresca. Um...that's okay! Ooh. Okay. Alright, now we need
the semen of a righteous man. Okay, Pheebs, you know what? If we had that, we wouldn't
be doing the ritual in the first place. - Can we just start
throwing things in?
- Um.. Yeah, okay! Oh. Okay. Okay, Barry's letters. Adam Ritter's boxer sho. Oh, and I have the recet
from my dinner with Nokulule Oon [tongue click] Ah . Here's a picture
of Scotty Jared naked. - Oh.
- Let me see. He's wearing a sweater. No. - Eww.
- Eww. Okay and here we have
the last of Paolo's grappa! Wait, Rachel,
isn't that almost pure.. [instrumental music] Hey, you guys, you guys,
Chandler's coming. And he says he has like,
this incredible news. So when he comes, let's all
act like, you know-- - Hey.
- Okay, never mind. But it was gonna
be really good. - What's going on?
- What's up? So, it's a typical
day at work. I'm in putting my numbers,
and Big Al calls me into his office and tells me, he wants to make
me "processing supervisor" - That is great!
- Congratulations. So... I quit. - What? Why?
- Why? Why? This was supposed
to be a temp job! Yeah, Chandler, you've been
there for five years. But, if I took this promotion
it'd be like admitting that this is what I actually do! So, is it a lot
more money? It doesn't matter, I just don't
wanna be one of those guys that's in his office
until 12 o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS. The... the "WENUS"? Weekly Estimated
Net Usage Systems. It's a processing term. Oh...that WEENUS. So, what are you gonna do? I don't know. That's the thing.
I don't know what I wanna do... I just know I'm not gona
figure it out working there. Oh! I have something
you can do. I have this
new massage client, Steve. Anyway, um.. he's opening up
a restaurant and he's looking
for a head chef. - Um...hi, there.
- Hi. Oh, yeah, I know,
I know, you're a chef. I know and
I thought of you first. But, um, Chandler's the one
who needs a job right now. So.. Yeah, I just don't have
a lot of cheffing experience. Unless it's
an all-toast restaurant. Yeah, yeah. What kind of food
is he looking for? Well, he wants to do
something eclectic. So he's looking
for someone who can create
the entire menu. - Oh, my God!
- Yeah, I know. So, what do you think? Thanks, Phoebe,
I just don't really see myself in a big white hat. Okay. Oh, Monica,
guess what!? [instrumental music] "Vulva"? Alright.
I panicked. Alright? She...she took me
by surprise, you know. But, it wasn't a total loss. I mean, uh,
we ended up cuddling. Whoa, you cuddled? How many times? Shut up. It was nice. I didn't..
I just don't think I'm the dirty-talking
kind of guy, you know? What's the big deal? You just
say what you want to do to her and what you want
her to do to you and what you think
other people might be doing to each other. Look. I tell you what. Try something on me. Please be kidding. Why not? Come on. Just...just
close your eyes and tell me
what you'd like to be doing right now. Okay. I'm, uh..
I'm in my apartment.. - Yeah...what else?
- That's it. I'm in my apartment.
You're not there. We're not having
this conversation. Alright, look,
I'll start, okay? - Joey, please.
- C'mon, c'mon, alright. Ready? Look. Oh, Ross.. You get me so hot. I want your lips on me now. - Huh?
- Hmm. Alright. Now you say something. I, uh, I really
don't think so. -C'mon, you like this
woman, right?
- Well, yeah. - You want to see
her again, right?
- Sure.. Well, if you can't talk
dirty to me how you gonna
talk dirty to her? Now, tell me you want
to caress my butt! Okay. Turn around. I just don't want you staring
at me when I'm doing this. Alright. Alright.
I'm not looking. Go ahead Okay. [clearing throat] I want.. Okay, I-I wanna...
feel your.. ...hot, soft skin
with my lips. There you go! Keep going. Keep going. I, uh.. ...I wanna take
my tongue, and.. ...and, and.. Say it. Say it! Run it all over your body
until you're.. ...trembling with...with... With..? Funny story. You're not gonna
believe this. It's okay, it's okay,
I was always rooting for you two kids
to get together. Hey, guys. Hey. Hey, Pheebs, guess who
we saw today. Ooh! Oh, fun! Okay. - Um, Liam Neeson?
- No. - Morley Safer?
- Nope. - The woman who cuts my hair?
- No. Okay. Look, this could be
a really long game. - Your sister, Ursula.
- Oh. Really? Yeah, yeah. She works over
at that place, uh-- - Riff's. Yeah, I know.
- Oh, you do? Because she said you guys
haven't talked in like, years... Mm-hmm. Yeah. So, um, is she fat? Not from where I was standing. Where were you standing? Uh, Pheebs, so you-you guys
just don't get along? [sighs]
It's mostly just
dumb sister stuff. I mean, like everyone
always thought of her as the pretty one,
you know, and.. Oh! Oh! She was the first one
to start walking even though I did it later that same day. But to my parents by then
it was like "Yeah, right.
W-what else is new?" Oh! Pheebs, I'm sorry.
I've got to go. I've, I've got Lamaze class. Oh, and I've got
earth science but I'll catch you in gym? [sighs]
So, is this just gonna
be you and Carol? No. Susan's going
to be there too. We've got dads,
we've got lesbians. The whole parenting team. Well, isn't, isn't that
going to be weird? No, no. I mean, it might've been
at first, but by now I-I think I'm pretty comfortable
with the whole situation. - Ross, that's my jacket.
- I know. [instrumental music] Hi. We're the Rostins. I'm J.C. And he's Michael. And we're having a boy
and a girl. [chuckles]
Good for you. Alrighty. Next? Hi, um, I'm, uh.. [clears throat] I'm Ross Geller
and, uh that's, that's
my boy in there. [chuckles] And this is
Carol Willick and this...is Susan Bunch.. Susan is, um,
Carol's.. [mumbles] [chuckles] - Um--
- Who's next? I'm sorry. I didn't get.
Susan is.. Susan's Carol's, Carol's,
Carol's friend. - Life partner.
- Like buddies. Like lovers. You know how close
women can get. Susan and I
live together. Although I was
married to her. - Carol, not me.
- Uh, right. - It's a little complicated.
- A little. - But we're fine.
- Absolutely. So twins? That's, like, two births. Ouch! It's not just that
she's cute, okay? It's just that.. ...she's really, really cute. It doesn't matter. You don't dip your pen in the company ink. [squeaking] Ross, your little creature's got the remote again. Marcel, Marcel,
give Rossy the remote. (man on TV)
He meant to take.. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossy
the remote right now. [squeaking] (man on TV)
'...and I win--' 'Marcel, you give Rossy
the remote.' [TV audio in Spanish] - Great.
- Relax. I'll fix it. [TV audio in Spanish] 'Oh, cool.' "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel." How did he do this? So, tell me something, is
leaving the Christmas lights up part of your plan
to keep us merry all year long? No, no, you see,
someone was supposed to take them down
around New Year's but obviously someone forgot. Well, someone
was supposed to write "Rach, take down the lights" and put it on
the refrigera.. How long has that
been there? Hey, where you been? I went back to Riff's. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee. She brought me a tuna melt and four plates of curly fries. Score. - She is so hot.
- Yeah, listen. Okay. Before you do anything
Joey-like you might wanna
run it by, uh.. [laughing on TV] - Yeah?
- Yeah. Yeah. Pheebs? Yeah. Do you think it would by
if I asked out your sister? Why? Why would you
want to do that? Why? Well, so that if we
went out on a date she'd be there. Well, I mean,
I'm not my sister's you know, whatever
and, uh.. I mean...it's true we were
one egg once but, uh.. You know,
we've grown apart so, um.. I don't know.
Why not? Okay. Cool. Thanks. [man on TV speaking Spanish] [Phoebe sighs] You okay? Yeah. I'm fine. You wanna watch
"Laverne y Shirley?"█ <i>Cinco, seis, siete, ocho</i> (women on TV)
'Schlemiel! Schlamaze█ <i>'Hasenpfeffer Incorporado</i> Rachel,
what are you doing? It's freezing out here. Would you come back inside? No, no, no, no, no. You wanted me to
take 'em down so...I'm taking 'em down, okay? Whoa. Whoa! Oh, my God. Rachel! - Rachel!
- I'm okay! I'm okay! Mr. Heckles? Mr. Heckles, could you,
could you help me, please? See, this is just the kind of
thing I was talking about. [theme music] - Ow, ow, ow.
- Ow, ow, ow. Hi, uh, my friend here
was taking down our Christmas lights, and
and she fell off the balcony and may have broken her foot
or, or ankle or something.. My God. You still have
your Christmas lights up?! Fill this out
and bring it back to me. - Okay, here we go.
- Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow. Okay. Ooh. Alright. Name. Address. Okay. In case
of emergency, call? You. Really? Yeah. Oh, that's so sweet. Oh, gosh. I love you. Insurance? Oh, yeah. Check it. Definitely gonna
want some of that. You don't have insurance? Why? How much
is this gonna cost? I have no idea,
but X-rays alone could be
a couple hundred dollars. Well, what are we gonna do? There's not much
we can do. Um...unless,
unless I use yours. No, no, no.. Well, now, wait a second. Who did I just put as my
"In case of emergency" person? That's insurance fraud. Well, alright.
Then, forget it. Might as well just go home. Ow. Ow. Ow! Okay. Okay, come here. - I hate this.
- Thank you. Thank you, I love you. Hi. Um, I'm gonna need
a new set of these forms. Why? I am really an idiot. You see I was filling out
my friend's form and instead of putting
her information I put mine. You are an idiot. [instrumental music] Hey. Oh. Um, have you got a minute? Um, yeah. I'm just working. - So.
- Uh-huh. Um, oh, I got you
a birthday present. Oh, wow,
you remembered. Oh, it's a Judy Jetson thermos. Right, like the kind you-- Right. Oh, I got something
for you too. How'd you know I was coming? Um...yeah, um, twin thing. I can't believe you did this. I can't believe you...did this.. So.. What's the deal
with, um, you and Joey? Oh, right. He is so great. But that's over. Does he know? Who? Joey. You know, um.. He's, he's really
nutsy about you. - He is? Why?
- You got me. Right. Excuse me. Doesn't this come
with a side salad? So, um, are you
going to call him? What? You think he likes me? No, Joey. Oh. No. No. He is so smart. He'll figure it out. Do you want
some chicken? No. No food with a face. You have not changed. Yeah, you too. Hey. Urs...what are
you doing here? I've been trying
to call you. - Listen, um--
- Oh, no, no, no. Don't say, "listen." I know that "listen."
I've said that "listen." I'm sorry. I don't get it.
What happened? What about everything
you said under the bridge? Yeah, um.. You know, you should
just forget about what I said
under the bridge. I was talking
crazy that night. I was so drunk. You don't drink. That's right, I don't. But I was, I was drunk on you.. - Oh, Urs.
- But, okay, yeah. So it's not gonna work. Why? Is it because
I'm friends with Phoebe? If it was, would you stop
hanging out with her? No. No. I, I couldn't do that. Um, then, yeah.
It's 'cause of Phoebe. So, you know,
it's either her or me. Then, uh, then I'm sorry. You know.. ...you're going to be really
really hard to get over. I know. I don't know whether it's just
'cause we're breaking up but...you have never looked
so beautiful. Really? - Pheebs?
- Yeah? Oh.. [laughing] Shut up! We're not saying anything. - What?
- Uh, Joey cried last night. Thank you. We were playing poker, right... There was chocolate
on the three. It looked like
an eight, alright? Oh, you should have seen him.. "Read 'em and weep." And then he did. Well, now, how come you guys
have never played poker with us? Yeah, what is that? Like,
some kind of guy thing? Like, some kind of
sexist guy thing? Like, it's poker,
so only guys can play. No. Women are welcome to play. Oh, okay. So then what is it? Some kind of, you know.. ...like, some kind of,
you know, like.. Alright, what is it? There just don't happen
to be any women in our game. Yeah, we just don't happen
to know any women that know how to play poker. - Oh.
- Oh please, that is such a
lame excuse! I mean, it-it's
a typical guy response. Excuse me, do any of you
know how to play? (in unison)
No. But, you could
teach us. (in unison)
No. Okay, so now
we draw cards. So, I wouldn't
need any, right? 'Cause I have a straight! - Oh! Good for you!
- Congratulations! Okay, Pheebs,
how many do you want? Okay. I just need two. The, uh, ten of spades
and the six of clubs. No, Pheebs,
you can't do-- Oh, wait, I have the ten of
spades. Here, you want it? No, no. Uh, no, see,
you-you can't do that. Oh, no, no, no,
that's okay. I don't need them.
I'm going for fours. Oh, you're.. Alright, here we go. We got salmon roulettes
and assorted crudites. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica,
what are you doin'? This is a poker game,
you can't serve food with more than
one syllable. It's gotta be like
chips, or dip, or pretz. Okay, so at this point,
the dealer-- Alright, you know, we got it.
Let's play for real, alright? - High stakes, big bucks.
- Alright, now, you sure? Pheebe just threw
away two jacks because they didn't
look happy. But, I'm ready,
so just deal. Okay. Alright, last-minute
lesson, last-minute lesson. Joey, three.. ...eight. Eight, three.
Alright. Very good. Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! I see. So then,
you were lying. About what? About how good
your cards were. I was bluffing. Uh-huh. And what is bluffing? Is it not another word
for lying? Okay, sorry to
break up this party but, I've got resumes to
fax before lunch tomorrow. Rach, Rach,
we gotta settle. Settle what? The Jamestown colony
of Virginia. You see King George
is giving us the land, so.. The game, Rachel.
The game. You owe us money
for the game. Oh. Right. You know, what, you guys,
it's their first time. Why don't we just
forget about the money. Hell, no,
we'll pay! Monica, I had
another answer all ready. And you know what?
We want a rematch. Well, that's
fine with me. Could use the money. So basically,
you get your ya-yas by taking money
from all of your friends. Yeah. Yes, and I get my ya-yas
from IKEA. You have to put them
together yourself but they cost
a little less. Look, Rach,
this is poker. I play to win, alright? In order for me to win,
other people have to lose. So, if you're gonna
play poker with me don't expect me
to be a nice guy. Okay, 'cause once
those cards are dealt.. Yeah? I'm not a nice guy. Boy, you really can't
stand to lose, can you? Your whole face
is getting red. The little vein's
popping outta your temple Plus, that shirt doesn't
really match those pants. First of all, I'm not losing, I- [phone ringing]
- Oh, you're definitely losing..
- Let's not talk about losing-- Hello. Rachel Green. [imitating]
Me-me-me. Excuse me. It's about the job.. Barbara, hi.
How are you? Uh-huh. No, I understand. Yeah, oh, well,
come on, no, I'm fine. Don't be silly. Yeah, but, you know,
if anything else opens up.. please-
hello? Hello? [scoffs] Hmm. Sorry, Rach. Yeah, you know, there's
gonna be lots of other stuff. Yeah. Okay. Where were we? Oh. Okay. Five-card draw. Uh...jacks or better. Nothing wild.
Everybody ante. Look, Rach, we don't
have to do this. Yes, we do. - Alright, check.
- Check. I'm in for 50 cents. - Call.
- I'm in. I see your 50 cents.. ...and I raise you...$5. I thought it was
a 50-cent limit. Well, I just lost a job
and I'd like to raise the bet five bucks. Does anybody have
a problem with that? [indistinct chatter] Loser? No, I fold. What do you mean you fo?
Hey, come on, what is this? I thought that "once the cards
<i>are dealt, I'm not a nice guy"</i> I mean what, were you
just full of it? I'm in. How many you want? One. Dealer takes two. - 'What do you bet?'
- I bet $2. Okay, see your two.. ...and I raise you.. ...twenty. Wha.. I'll see your 20.. ...raise you 25. See your 25.. ...and, uh, Monica,
get my purse. Rachel, there's
nothing in it. Okay, then get me your purse. Okay...here you go.
Good luck. Thank you. I saw your 25,
and I raise you.. ...seven. -teen. Joey, I'm a little shy. That's okay, Ross.
You can ask me. - What do you need?
What do you need?
- Fifteen. - Here's ten.
- Here, I got five. I got five. - Thank you.
- Good luck. Okay, I am calling your seventen What do you got? [dramatic music] Full house. You got me. - Oh!
- Oh! ♪ Da da da da da-da ♪ Da da da da da-da Oh.. Oh! That's alright, you know,
that's a tough hand to beat. I thought we had them! When you don't have the cards,
you don't have the cards. But, uh... Look how happy she is. How could you lose him? I don't know,
I don't know. We were watching TV and then he pooped
in Monica's shoe.. Wait. He pooped
in my shoe? - Which one?
- I don't know. - The left one.
- Which ones? Oh, oh, those little
clunky Amish things you think go
with everything. -Hey.
- Hi. Whoa. Oh. Why is the air in
here so negative? - Rachel lost Marcel.
- Oh, no! How? - He-he pooped in my shoe.
- Which one? Those cute little black
ones I wear all the tim.e No. Which one? The right or left? 'Cause the left
one is lucky. Come on, you guys, what are we
gonna do? What are we gonna do? Alright, alright, alright...
You're a monkey. You're loose in the city. Where do you go? Okay, it's his first time out,
so he's probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats. You go
to the Russian Tea Room. Oh, my God! Come on, you guys! He's gonna be home any minute!
He's gonna kill me! Okay, we'll start
with the building. You guys take the first
and second floor. Phoebe and I will
take third and fourth. W-w-what am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do? Okay, you stay here,
and just wait by the phone.. Spray Lysol in my shoe
and wait for Ross to kill you. Does anybody wanna trade? Oh.. [instrumental music] Come on. [knocks on door] What do you want? Mr. Heckles, our-our-our
friend lost a monkey. Have you seen it? I left a Belgian
waffle out here. - Did you take it?
- No! Why would you leave your
Belgian waffle in the hall? I wasn't ready for it. The monkey.. Have you seen a monkey? Saw Regis Philbin once. Okay, thank you,
Mr. Heckles. You owe me a waffle. Okay, he's a, he's
a black capuchin monkey with a white face with-with Russian dressing
and pickles on the side. Okay. Thanks. - Hi.
- Hey. How did, uh,
how did it go today? - Oh, great!
- Yeah? It went great.
Really great. - Hey, is that wine?
- Yeah, yeah. - Oh.
- You, uh, you want some? Oh, I would love some. But you know what?
You know what? Let's not drink it here. I'm feeling kind of crazy. You wanna go to Newark? Uh, okay. Yeah, uh,
we could do that. But before we head off
to the murder capital of the Northeast.. ...I was, uh.. Kind of wanted to
to run something by you. You know how we were, uh,
you know, talking before about, uh, relationships
and stuff, well.. Oh, God, Ross,
I cannot do this. Okay, quick
and painful. Oh, God.
Okay, alright. Alright, okay. Ross, please
don't hate me. Oh, why? What? What? [chuckles] Uh, you know Marcel? Yeah? Well, ahem,
I, I kind of.. ...I kind of lost him. [indistinct] [car horn honking] - 'Marcel?'
- 'Marcel?' Marcel? (both)
Marcel? - Oh, my God!
- What? Something just brushed up
against my right leg. - What is it?
- Oh. Oh, it's okay.
It was just my left leg. [screeching] - 'Look, Phoebe!'
- Oh, yeah. Oh, Marcel. Come here. Oh,
come here, Marcel. Step aside, ladies. Oh, what are you gonna do? Just a small tranquilizer. [dramatic music] (Monica)
'Run, Marcel! Run!' - Run, Marcel!
- Damn! - Are you okay?
- Uh, yeah, I think so. I just.. Oh. Huh.. - Whoa.
-Oh. Oh, gosh. [screeching] - 'Marcel?'
- 'Marcel?' Marcel? This is ridiculous! We've been all over
the neighborhood. He's gone. He's-he's just gone! - Ross, you don't know that.
- Oh, come on. It's cold. It's dark.
He doesn't know the village! Oh.. And now I have
a broken foot. Oh, my. I have no monkey
and a broken foot. - Thank you very much.
- Ross, you know? I've said I'm sorry
like a million times. What do you want me to ?
Huh? What do you wanna.. You want to break my fo?
Is that it? Okay, here. I'm gonna break my foot.
Right now, there. Ow! Oh! Oh, God! Oh, my God. There,
are you happy now? Yeah, yeah, you know, now
that you kicked the sign hey! What? I don't
miss Marcel anymore. You know, it is not like
I did this on purpose. No, no, no, this is
just vintage Rachel. I mean, things just
sort of happen around you. I mean, you're
off in Rachel Land doing your Rachel thing totally oblivious
to people's monkeys or to people's
feelings and.. - Ross?
- I don't even wanna hear it. - No, you're always--
- Ross.. - Oh, forget it, okay?
- Ross! What? What? What? - Hey!
- Hey! Banana man! Wait.. [instrumental music] [knocking on door] Oh, this is so intense. One side of my butt
is totally asleep and the other side has no idea. Hi. Did you order some bananas? - What about it?
- Give me my monkey back! I don't have a monkey. Then what's with
all the bananas? Potassium. [Marcel chattering] Marcel? Marcel? Okay, where is he? Where is he? Marcel? Marcel? [all gasp] Marcel! - What have you done to him?
- That's my monkey. That's Patty.
Patty the monkey. Are you insane? Come here,
Marcel, come on. Come here, Patty. Come here, Marcel. Come here, Patty. (Luisa)
Here, monkey! Here, monkey! 'Here, monkey!' Gotcha! - Okay, give me my monkey back!
- That's my monkey. You're both gonna have to
take this up with the judge.. That's not my monkey.
Just the dress is mine. You can send it
back whenever. - Alright, I want my monkey.
- No! - Oh, come on, Louisa.
- Sorry, prom queen. You had to be a bitch
in high school. You couldn't have been fat? Alright, look, okay in high school,
I was the prom queen and I was the homecoming queen
and the class president and you...were
also there. Look, if you
take this monkey I will lose
one of the most important people
in my life. You can hate me
if you want but please do
not punish him. Come on, Louisa,
you have a chance to be the bigger
person here. Take it! [inhales deeply] [exhales heavily] No. Alright. Well, then how about
I call your supervisor and I tell her that
you shot my friend in the ass
with a dart? I am telling you
years from now school children will study it as one of the greatest
first dates of all time. It was unbelievable.
We could totally be ourselves. We didn't have to
play any games. - So have you called her yet?
- Let her know I like her? What are you insane? Oh, guys. It's the next day. How needy do
I wanna seem? I'm right, right? - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, let her dangle. Oh. I can't believe my parents
are actually pressuring me to find one of you people. God, come on, just do it. Call her.
Stop being so testosterone-y Which, by the way is
the real San Francisco treat - I got her machine.
- Her answering machine? No, interestingly enough
her leaf blower picked up. So, um, why didn't
you say anything? Oh, no, no, no, last time
I left a spontaneous message I ended up using the phrase
"Yes indeedy-O." Look, look, look,
it's Rachel and Barry. No, no, no, don't, don't
everybody look at once. Okay, okay, what's going on? Okay, they're just talking. Yeah, well, does he look upset? Does he look like, he was just
told to shove anything? No. No, actually,
he's smiling, and.. Oh, my God!
Don't do that! What? What? What? That man across the street just kicked that pigeon. Oh. And basically
that's how a bill becomes a law. - Oh.
- Right. - Hey, Rach.
- Hi, Rach. How'd it go? You know, it was uh,
actually really great. Took me to lunch
at the Russian Tea Room. And I had that chicken
you know, where you poke it and all the butter
squirts out. Not a good day for bird. Then we took a walk
down to Bendel's. And I told him not to but he got me a little
bottle of Chanel.█ That's nice. Was that before or after
you told him to stop calling stop sending you flowers and to generally
leave you alone, hmm? Right. Well, we never
actually got to that. Oh, it was just so nice
to see him again, you know? It was, it was comfortable,
and it was familiar. - It was just nice.
- That's-that's nice twice. Rachel, wh-what's going on? I mean, isn't this
the same Barry who you left at the alter? Duh, where've you been? Yeah, but it was different
with him today I mean, and he wasn't like Orthodontist guy, you know? I mean, we had fun. Is there anything
wrong with that? Yes! - Why?
- I have my reasons. Okay, how about the fact
that he's engaged to another woman
who just happens to be your ex-best friend? Alright, alright, alright,
I know it's stupid. I'll go see him this afternoon
and I'll just put an end to it Wow! Wow. Yeah. I'm not crazy, right?
I mean, it was never like that. No, it wasn't. It was so nice having
this little sink here. - Can I use your phone?
- Yeah. Uh, but for future reference
uh, that thing in your hand can also be used as a phone. [ringing] Yes, it's working. Why isn't she calling me back? Maybe she never
got your message. You know, if you want you can call her machine and if she has a lot of beeps
that means she probably didn't
get her messages yet. You don't think that
makes me seem a little.. Desperate, needy,
pathetic? Ah, you obviously
saw my personal ad. - How many beeps?
- She answered. You see, this is where
you'd use that "Hello" word we talked . I'm not gonna talk to her. She obviously got my message and is choosing
not to call me. Now, I'm needy and snubbed. God, I miss just being needy. (all)
'Hey.' How'd he take it? Pretty well, actually. - Uh, Rach?
- What? How come you have
dental floss in your hair? - Oh, do I?
- Uh-huh. We ended up having sex
in his chair. You had sex
in his chair? I said that a little
too loudly, didn't I? You, you had what? Sex in his chair. What, uh,
what were you thinking? I don't know. I mean, we still
care about each other. There's a history there.
It's like you and Carol. No. No, no. It's nothing like me and Carol. Please, if she said to ,
"Ross, I want you on this couch. Right here,
right now," what would you say? If it helps,
I could slide over. It's, it's-it's uh,
a totally different situation.. It's-it's apples and oranges.. It's-it's orthodontists
and lesb- I got to go. - Wh-where are you going?
- I just have to go! Alright. Do I need
a reason, huh? I mean, I have things
to do with my life. I have a jam-packed schedule and I am late
for keeping up with it, okay? [phone ringing] Hello? Hello? [imitating phone ringing] Hell is filled
with people like you. He's back.
The peeper's back. - Get down!
- Get down? And boogie. Thanks, but I got to go to work and get my eyes
scratched out by Mindy. Relax. You know,
She may not even know. Please, I haven't heard
from her in seven months and now she calls me I mean, what else is it about? Oh. She was my best friend
you guys. We went
to camp together. - She taught me how to kiss.
- Yeah? Now, you know,
I'm like the other woman. Oh, I feel so.. Naughty. Alright, I'll see you
guys later. Oh, hold up,
I'll walk out with you. Now, Rach, when she taught
you to kiss you were at camp
and were you wearing any kind
of little uniform or.. That's fine, yeah. Okay, I'm gonna
go to the bathroom. Will you watch my phone? Why don't you just
take it with you? Hey, we haven't been
on a second date. She needs to hear me pee? Why don't you just call her? I can't call her.
I left a message. - I have some pride.
- Do you? No. Danielle? Hi. Hi, it's uh, it's Chandler. I'm fine. [clears throat] Uh, listen. I don't know if you tried
to call me because, uh..idiot that I am I accidentally
shut off my phone. Oh, okay-okay.
That's, that's-that's fine That's great.
Okay. She's on the other line.
She's gonna call me back. ♪ She's on the other line
she's gonna call me back♪ ♪ She's on the other line
gonna call me back ♪ - Don't you have to pee?
- It's why I'm dancing. - Hey.
- Hey. Hi. Hi. Uh, yes.
This is Monica Geller. Um, I believe I'm taking
some classes with you and I was wondering
what they were. What are you doing? Alright. Great. Great. Thanks a lot. I'm going to tap class. What-what, so that you can dance with the woman
that stole your credit card? This woman's got my life.
I should get to see who she is. Go to the post office.
I'm sure her picture's up! Okay. Monica, you know ?
You're kinda losing it here.. I mean, this is really becoming
like a weird obsession thing. This is madness.
It's madness, I tell you! For the love of God,
Monica, don't do it! Thank you. [instrumental music] What do you think? Lots of things. Which one do you think
she is? - May I help you?
- Oh, no. Thanks. We're just here to observe. You don't observe a dance class. You dance a dance class. Spare shoes are over there. What does she mean? I think she means
"You dance...a dance class" Come on, come on, come on. Okay. You see anybody
you think could be me? People, last time there were
some empty yogurt containers lying around after class. Let's not have
that happen again. She could be you. Let's get started. 'Five, six' 'a-five, six, seven, eight' Okay, I'm not getting this! I'm totally getting it. Do you ever just feel
like sometimes you are so unbelievably
uncoordinated? What? You just click
when they click. Alright, people.
Now everyone grab a partner. Oh. Um, alright. And my dead mother
said you are it. - I'm with Rachel.
- Great.. It's gym class
all over again. - Oh.
- Oh. Well, that's alright,
you can come up to the front and dance with me. Why don't I just
take off my clothes and have a nightmare? It's okay. It's okay.
I'm here. I'm here. I'm so sorry I'm late. Okay, here I am.
So, who's the new tense girl? She's your partner. - Hi.
- Hi. I'm Monica. Oh. Monica. Hi. I'm Mo-
..nana. - Monana?
- Yeah. It's Dutch. You're kidding. I-I spent
three years in Amsterdam. <i>[Speaking Dutch]</i>
<i>Mag ik deze dans van u?</i> Um, Pennsylvania Dutch. - Oh.
- And we're dancing. A-five, six, seven, eight. Hi. - Hey.
- Hey. Where have you been? I just got back
from the vet. She's not gonna
make you wear one of those big
plastic cones, is she? She says Marcel's
humping thing's not a phase. Apparently, he's reached
sexual maturity. Hey, he beat ya She says, as time goes on
he's gonna start getting aggressive and violent. So what does this mean? I might have to give him up. [instrumental music] [instrumental music] I can't believe it, Ross.
This sucks! I mean, I don't get it.
I mean, you just got him. How could he be
an adult already? I know. I know. I mean, one day
he's this little thing and then before you know it he's this little thing
I can't get off my leg. Isn't there any way
you can keep him? No. No, the vet said
that unless he's in a place where he has regular access
to some.. ...monkey lovin'.. ...he's just gonna get vicious. You know, I-I've-I've just gotta
get him into a zoo. How do you get
a monkey into a zoo? I know that one. No, that's
popes into a Volkswagen. Well, we're applying
to a lot of them. And naturally, our first choice would be one
of the bigger state zoos you know, like San Diego. Oh-h, right? But that may
just be a pipe dream because, you know,
he's outta state. Uh, my, my vet
knows someone at Miami so, so that's a possibility Yeah, but that's, like,
two blocks away from the beach I mean, it's a
total party zoo. Oh. (female announcer)
'This is the final
boarding call' 'for Flight 67 San Diego' 'boarding at Gate 42A.' Okay. Goodbye,
little monkey guy. I, I wrote you this poem. - I'm just..
- Oh. Okay, but don't eat it
till you get on the plane. "Thank you, Aunt Phoebe" Oh. Okay. Bye, champ. Now, I know there's gone
a lot of babes in San Diego.. but remember,
there's also a lot to learn. Hmm. I don't know
what to say, Ross. Uh, it's a monkey. No, just s-say
what you feel, Joey. Marcel, I'm hungry. That was good. [clears throat] Marcel, this is for you. - Oh.
- It's, uh.. Just, you know, somethig
to, uh...do on the plane. Uh, if you guys don't mind,
I'd like to take a moment just me and him. - Oh.
- Sure. - Go ahead.
- Absolutely. - Oh!
- Oh! Uh.. Marcel, come here, come here. Come here. Well, buddy.. ...this is it. There's just a couple of things
I wanted to say. I'm really gonna miss you. I'm never gonna
forget about you. You've been more than
just a pet to me. You've, you've been
more like a be.. Okay. Marcel, would you.. Marcel, would you.. Ple,
would you leave my leg alone? Would you just stop humping me
for two seconds? Marcel, would you,
okay, would you.. Just take him away,
Just take him. Ooh, oh, give me. Can you see me
operating a drill press? I don't know.
What are you wearing? Pheebs, why would you
want to operate a drill? Just for some short term work. You know, till I get back
some of my massage clients. Pirates again? No, nothing like that. I'm just...such a dummy. I taught this "Massage yourself
at home" workshop. And they are. Hey, hey, Chan.
She could work for you. Thanks, Joey.
That's a good idea. Well.. I could. I could!
What is it? Well, my secretary is gonna be
out for a couple of weeks. She's having one of
her boobs reduced. It's a whole big boob story. I could be a secretary. Well you know, Pheebs,
I don't know if it's your kind of thing
because, uh.. ...it involves
a lot of being normal. For a large portion of the day. I could do that. - What're you playing with?
- Oh, it's my new beeper. What the hell
does a paleontologist need a beeper for? Is it like for
dinosaur emergencies? "Help! Come quick.
They're still extinct!" No. It's for when
Carol goes into labor. She can get me
wherever I am. All she has to do
is dial, uh, 55 Jimbo. A cool phone number
and a possible name for the kid! Alright.
See you guys later. Off to see young Ethan? Thank you. How young is young Ethan?
Young? He's our age. When we were.. Okay. He's a senior
in college. - College?
- Whoa! And this man-child
has no problem with how old you are? No. Of course not.
It's not even an issue. 'Cause I told him I was 22. - What?
- What? - Oh, I can't pass for 22?
-Well, maybe 25, 26. - I am 26.
- There you go. [telephone ringing] [telephone ringing] Can you hear that? Yeah. [telephone ringing] You see, that'll stop when
you pick up the phone. Oh! - Ooh! I'm on.
- Okay. Mr. Bing's office. No, I'm sorry.
He's in a meeting right now. I'm not in a meeting.
I'm right-who..? Will he know what this is
in reference to? And he has your number? Alright. I'll see
that he gets the message. Bye-bye. - What?
- Ross says hi. Ah. This is so fun. Alright.
What do we do now? Well, now I actually
have to get to work. Most likely. [laughs] - Okay, I'm gonna be out there.
- Okay. - Alright. Bye bye.
- Bye bye. [intercom buzzing] - Yes.
- 'Whatcha doin'?' Oh. - Hey.
- Hey. - How was the first day?
- Hey. Oh! Excellent. Everyone was so, so nice! See it pays to know then
who wears my shoes. - Me.
- Oh. No, I didn't tell anyboy
that I knew you. Why not? Oh, because you know.. ...they don't like you. What? I thought you knew that. Nuh uh.. Who doesn't like me? Everyone. Except for um...
no, everyone. What are you talking about? Don't feel bad. You know,
they used to like you a alot. But, then you got promoted,
and you know now you're all
like Mr. Boss man. You know, Mr. Bing. Mr..
Boss man Bing. I can't believe it. Yeah, yeah.
They even do you. They "do" me? You know like, um,
okay, um "Could that report
be any later." [laughing] I don't sound like that. - Oh. Oh, Chandler.
- Yeah, you do. "The hills are alive
with the sound.. ...of music." <i>"My scone!"</i> <i>Both: "My scone!"</i> Okay. I don't sound like.
That is so not true. [laughing] That is so not
...that is so not...that.. Oh, shut up! And I think last night
was great, you know the karaoke thing. Tracy
and I doing Ebony and Ivory? - Mm-hm.
- Huh? You were great! But they still made
fun of you. - What?
- You know. Now you're more like,
you know, Mr. Caring boss. Mister...you know,
"I'm one of you" boss. Mr. I-Want-To-Be-Your-Buddy
Boss-Man Bing. Then I don't get it. Well, you know what, Chandler I think you just gotta face it. You're like the guy
in the big office. You know? You're the one
that hires them and fires them They still say
you're a great boss. - They do?
- Uh-huh. But they're not
your friends anymore [sighs]
But I just want-- No but you can't. - But I just want--
- Nuh-uh. Monica, let's go. Come on
now people! Woman in labor! Hey Ross.
Look what I got going here. Yeah. Save it
for the cab. Okay? What are you doing?
What are you doing? We're going to a hospital What, so I can't look nice? There might be doctors there. - Joey, get out of the fridge.
- 'Alright! Alright.' - What is that?
- For the ride. - Oh, yeah. Like in a c-
- Save it! - Okay. Hating this.
- Monica, come on now! Let's go! - Baby coming, god!
- I can't believe it. - I'm gonna be an aunt! - I'm going to have a nephew!
- Yeah...that's nice. Get out! Well, let's go.
Come on. That's it. (Joey)
'Alright, alright.
I'm going. I'm going.' - Here we go. Here we go.
- Rossy. Rossy. Come on. [instrumental music] (woman on PA)
'Johnson, we have
a call on line seven.' She's not here yet.
She's not here. She's having my baby
and she's not here. I'm sure everything's fine.
H-has her water broken yet? I don't know,
but when I spoke to her she said she had already
passed the mucus plug. [gagging] Do we have to know about that? Joey, what are you gonno
when you have a baby? I'm gonna be in the waiting
room, handin' out cigars. Yes, Joey's made arrangements
to have his baby in a movie from the '50s. God! I don't believe this. I mean, she could be
giving birth in the cab. Oh, Ross, relax, it's probably
only like two dollars for the first contraction
and then 50 cents each additional contraction.. What, it's okay
when Chandler does it? You have to pick your moments Hi. Did I miss it?
Did I miss it? - No, she's not even here yet.
- Oh! What's with the guitar? Well, I just thought
we might be here for a while so, you know,
things might get musical. - Oh!
- Oh! Hey! Where the hell
have you been? Oh, we stopped at the gift shop. The gift..
Wow! Wow! Wha.. I was looking at stuffed animals and Susan wanted a Chunky. Oh, Susan wanted a Chun. You're havin' a baby, okay?
A baby. You don't stop for Chunky's! I used to have
that bumper sticker. [chuckles] You see what I mean? [guitar music] ♪ They're tiny and chubby
and so sweet to touch ♪ ♪ But soon they'll grow up
and resent you so much ♪ ♪ Now they're yelling at you
and you don't know why ♪ ♪ And you cry
and you cry and you cry ♪ ♪ And you cry
and you cry and you.. ♪ - Thanks, Ross.
- Yeah. I'm paying you to stop! - Okay?
- Okay. (Monica)
'Oh, look, twins.
Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute' Ugh. No fair!
I don't even have one. How come they get two? - You'll get one.
- Oh, yeah? When? (Chandler)
'Alright, I'll tell you what' When we're 40,
if neither of us are married what do you say you and I
get together and have one? Why won't I be married
when I'm 40? Oh, no, no. No.
I-I just meant hypothetically. Okay, hypothetically.. why won't I be
married when I'm 40? - No. No, no.
- No, no, what is it? Seriously Is there something fundamentally
unmarriable about me? - Uh-uh, uh--
- Well? Dear God! This-this parachute
is a knapsack. - Hey.
- Hey. Ooh! Look at you, dressy dress - Huh.
- Did you go home and change? Uh, well, it's an important day.
I wanna look nice. Um, has, uh,
Dr. Franzblau been by? - No, I haven't seen hi.
- Well, where is he? He is supposed to be here. What if the baby needs him? Rachel, what is the deal
with you and doctors anyway? Is, like, your-your
father a doctor? Yeah, why? No reason. Oh, please,
this is so your fault. How? How is this my fault? Look, Carol never threw me out
of a room before you came along. Yeah? Well, there's a lot
of things Carol never did before I came along. You're trying to be clever?
Are you funny funny lad? You know what your problem is? You are so threatened by me! - Oh, I'm threat, I'm threatene?
- Everything I say is a problem-
- Hey. Hey. Hey! - Yes.
- Okay. Alright. That's it! Get in here, come on! My God, you guys! I don't believe you. There are children
coming into the world in this very building and
your negative fighting noises are not the first thing
they should be hearing. So just stop allthe yelling!
Just stop i!t Yeah, Susan. Don't make me do this again!
I don't like my voice like this! Okay, who wants
to hear something ironic? (together)
Help! - I'm..
- Help! I'm havin' a baby in here! Hello! - Help!
- Okay, everyone stand back.. - Ow.
- 'Oh!' - Are they here yet?
- No, honey, they're not But don't worry,
we're gonna find them. And until we do,
we are all here for you, okay? - Okay. Okay.
- Okay. Okay, so anyway, you wee
telling me about Paris. - It sounds wonderful!
- Oh. Tell you what. There was this great little
pastry shop right by my hotel - Ah! Ah!
- There you go, dear. What are you gonna do?
Suck the door open? Help! Help! - Help!
- He.. ♪ They found their bodies
the very next day ♪ ♪ And they found
their bodies the very next day♪ ♪ La la la -Uh, help!
-Help! Look, mom, everything's
going fine, really. Yeah, Ross is great, he. ...he's in a whole other place! No, he's gone. No.. No, no, you-you don't
have to fly back, really. What do you mean
this might be your only chance? Oh. Would you stop?
I'm only 26. I'm-I'm not even
thinking about babies yet. [baby cooing] [imitates static] - Where have you been?
- Oh, I just had a baby. <i>Mazel tov!</i> [instrumental music] Hi, I'm Ben. [chuckles] I'm hospital worker Ben. It's Ben to the rescue. - Ta-da-da!
- Okay, okay, okay. - Ben, you ready?
- Yeah. - Alright, give me your.
- Okay. Okay, on three, Ben.
One, uh, two, three! - Uh!
- Ooh. Come on, Ben.
Okay, that's it, Ben. - 'Okay. Uh-huh.'
- Okay. (Susan)
'Uh, what do you see?' (Phoebe)
Well, Susan, I see
what appears to be a dark vent. 'Wait.' (Phoebe)
Yes, it is in fact
a dark vent. [groaning] - Oh!
- Ah, Pheebs, it's open. It's open! Wait! You forgot your legs! (in unison)
Push! Push! - We're here. Hey!
- Daddy's here. - We're here.
- Where have you been? Long story, honey. Alright, Carol, I need
you to keep pushing. I need, uh, I-I need..
Excuse me, can I have this? Oh, I'm sorry. Alright, alright, therew
too many people in this room. There's about to be one more,
so anybody who's not an ex-husband or a lesbian
life partner, out you go! - Alright, alright.
- Okay, bye, bye, bye. Good luck, you guys. Good luck! Let me ask you, do you o
be Carol's lesbian life partner? Out! - Hey.
- Hey. How long did you think this
barbecue was going to last? I'm going to China. Geez, you say
one thing and.. - You're going to China?
- Yeah, it-it's for the museum. Uh, someone found a bone,
and we want the bone but they don't want us
to have the bone. So I'm going to try ande
them to give us the bonw. It's a, it's
a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I'm going to be gone
for like, uh, like, a week. So, uh, if you want
to reach me, you-you can't. So, here's my itinerary. - Um...here's a picture of me.
- Oh, let me see. Could you take it
to Carol's every now and then and show it to Ben
just so he doesn't forget me? - Yeah.
- Hi, Ben. I'm your father. I am the head! Ha! Alright, this barbecue's
going to be very fun. Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted
to wish her a happy birthday
before I, I left. Oh, no. She's out
having drinks with Carl. Oh. Hey, who's Carl? You know, that guy
she met at the coffee house. - No.
- Oh. Well, see, there's thisy
that she met-- At the coffee house? Right. So you do know who he is. Okay, I'm going to go
say good-bye to the guys. Okay, hey, you know wha,
tell them that bone story. - Hi.
- Hey. - I have to go to China.
- The country? No, no, this big pile of dishes
in my mom's breakfront. Do you guys know
who Carl is? Uh, let's see,
Alvin, Simon, Theodore.. No. Well, Rachel's having
drinks with him tonight. Oh, no,
how can she do that when she's never
shown any interest in you! - Forget about her.
- He's right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China.
Eat Chinese food. Of course,
there they just call it "food" Yeah, I guess.
I don't, I don't know. Alright, just, just give
her this for me, okay? Listen, buddy, we, we're
just looking out for you. - I know.
- We want you to be happy. And I may have only have
a couple of beers in me but, I love you, man. I'm still on my first, I... ...I just think you're nice.. Okay, I'm...guessing
this is from.. Well, thank you, Melani. Okay, this one
right here is from me. Okay. Hmm, ah, it's light. It rattles. It's.. ...Travel Scrabble. Wow. Thank you. This one's from Joey.
Feels like a book. I think it's a book.
Feels like a book. - And it's a book!
- Oh, It's Dr. Seuss! That book got me
through some tough times There is a little child
inside this man. Yes, the doctors say
if they remove it, he'll die. - Who's this from?
- Oh, that's, uh, Ross's. Oh! [clearing throat] Oh, my God. - He remembered.
- Remembered what? It was like, months ago, we were
walking by this antique store and I saw this pin
in the window. And I told him
that it was just like one my grandmother had
when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe
he remembered. Well, sure. But can you
play it on a plane? Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him
a fortune. - I can't believe he did this.
- Come on, Ross? Remember back in college,
when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously
expensive crystal duck? What did you just say? [clearing throat] Crystal duck. No. No. No. The, um, the love part? [stuttering] Oh, my God! Oh, no, no, no. That's good.
Just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time. This is unbelievable.
I mean, this is unbelievable.. I know.
This is really, really huge No, it's not.
It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee.█ Uh-uh, I don't think
any of our lives are ever going
to be the same, ever again Okay, is there
a mute button on this woman? I think this is so great.
I mean, you and Ross! - Did you have any idea?
- No. None. I mean, my first night
in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out
but nothing ever happen. So I just,
wh-what else did he say? I mean, does he, like,
want to go out with me? Well, given that he is
desperately in love with you he probably wouldn't
mind getting a cup of coffee
or something. Ross? All this time? - Well, I've got to talk to him.
- Yeah, he's in China! - The country.
- No, no, wait. His flight doesn't leave
for another 45 more minutes. What about
the time difference? - From here to the airport?
- Yes! - You're never gonna make it!
- Well, I've got to try. Rachel, what are
you going to say to him? I don't know. Well, then maybe
you shouldn't go. He's right,
'cause if you just gonna like break his heart, that's the kind
of thing that can wait. Yeah, but if it's good news,
you should tell him now. I don't know,
maybe I'll know when I see him.. - Here, look.
- Alright. Does this help? No. Look,
all I know is that I cannot wait a week
until I see him. I mean,
this is just too big. You know, I just,
I've just got to talk to him. I, I've got to,
okay, I'll see you late. Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first!
