My favourite Norm Macdonald part 2

yeah how's the family how's everything going ah great man couldn't be better life is fantastic yeah I like life man you do really oh my god people complain about it first of all you lucky if you're lucky enough to be alive when you think about it you know I'm saying your mother had to have sex with your father that your grandparents had to have sex great great grandparents yeah they have sex is lucky you're alive my god it's amazing and I'm so happy every day yeah because it's just a fluke there's so many more many more people that never got to be alive if you do the math when people talk about it I'm like man it's the greatest gig in the world being live you get to eat at Denny's wear a hat yeah yeah haircut it is well good I'm glad life is going well I know killer now you know I've never asked you this before and we've been good friends for many years okay I made that up but we have no no we're friends we're good friends but I don't know what you're I'm McDonald is that Irish is that Scottish what's your ethnic background is polish my parents changed their names they had to because of the constant ribbing they'd get for being Polish you know and so they changed their name to the Donald but you know it's one of the things that you know I mean I get a little upset about it you know because you know you can't always joke you can't make jokes about other people but for some reason you make jokes all Polish people you know I like it I've you shouldn't that sounds bad yeah I mean I had an experience you know I go in and I order a Polish sausage you know from this guy you know and so the guy says to me oh oh you must be Polish I said come on man I mean come on think about it what you're saying you know I'm trying it okay I knock some sense into this fellow's head maybe give him a a wider world view yeah yeah did you think because I order a Polish sausage I'm polish I said what if somebody came in here and ordered french toast with you would you think he was French you know right in order to why a Belgian waffle would you consider that guy a Belgian you know I mean I mean if a guy came in in order to German bratwurst would you would you consider that fellow to be a a German fella potato salad I suppose you'd think he was German - yeah yeah Wow you talk to this guy for a while [Applause] with with racist you have to get through to really get it into their head right I said the guy came in he ordered a Cuban hamburger are you gonna see he's a Cuban right right right I said I think it is absolutely ridiculous that just because I committed a Polish sausage why would you jump to the fact that I'm polish right and the guy says to me well first of all it's a hardware store and you hate Poulos jokes don't you you just know I think they're disgusting may I ask you quickly I haven't talked to you in so long I want to ask you about your family ah my great family how's your we used to talk in the old days you and I used to used to spend some yarns about uncle Hector how's uncle Hector uncle Hector he's polish - I'm guessing no he wasn't polish okay oh he was from my cousin's side of the family and he was he was he was a great man my uncle you know he was an old fella he actually rode the rails during the Depression oh you know he's a hobo hobos you might call them I don't like that term railroad during the Depression searching for work you know and you know you had no money so he'd travel the country trying to find work and he actually rode the rails uncle Hector and and he told me I was interesting story he'd go through this was in Canada and there's a town called Kitchener in Canada and the railroad cops were tough boy they were tougher tougher than real cops you know they had a lot of their own the railroad cops I feel like that should be tucked into bed listening to you anyway a law their own those Robocop's but there was not a railroad cop tougher than Kitchener Leslie oh boy he was well going he was well known for beating hobos to death really he'd find a hobo on his trainee beat him to death beat him to death and so what the the railroad brothers would all do is as Kitchener approached of course oh wow such focus on these stories that wasn't a mirror that was so the railroad bums would all see hop off but before they got to Kitchener right to avoid being beaten to death by Kitchener Leslie yeah anyways my my uncle Hector a good man you know and he walked into a mine one day this is a story for the that they think the young people could learn from mine hopping kids during the height of the depression where there was absolutely no work my uncle Hector walked into to him I won't say the name of the mining company it was McIntyre mind his lunch box rhythm and it is his work boots and he said sir he said I want a job they said we have no jobs he said well 500 people work here at McIntyre mind he goes I don't think there are 500 men here better than I he says a matter of fact I don't think they're 200 men better than Isis I I think you'd be a strap to find a hundred men better than I and by golly he got the job what do you think oh that's a great story now I'm sensing there's more now back to Kitchener lastly the most dreaded no no uncle Hector uncle Hector uncle Hector yeah where does this story going uncle uncle Hector worked in a mine and yeah it's a hellish job the mine as you well know yeah you know yeah darkness you know it's dank it's dank yeah it'sit's Coley Coley it's cold ridden it's cold it's not Coley Cole intestine so so he worked in the mine and by God he worked hard and after a week of working hard he said to the shift manager he said what he said by golly I'd like to have a lady I work hard now and where would I find a where would I find a lady here in town well they said uncle Hector they says we don't have we have sex with animals here by God says uncle Hector I'm not gonna do that iy I'm a normal fella yeah well then be it to your own devices then so yeah Wow uncle Hector continued working in the mine he worked hard they work long and he worked for a low wage but he was a man dad and uncle Hector after a couple of weeks passed he started to get a little itch you know as as you and I say right right well not when we're thinking about the ladies the ladies but he kept it under control he went again he said are you sure there's no ladies here no we have sex with animals oh my god six months passed and uncle Hector couldn't take it any longer he told me I said by God I just had to just a man I'm weak you know I'm not a saint you know and I was I was born in sin I suppose and I I couldn't resist I just need it that's sorry so he said he walked up by a pastor and there there was a pig Oh God it's terrible and snow uncle Hector said well he said I walked up and I began having sex with a pig and he said all of a sudden he saw all the miners like around him you know look at him they go uncle Hector I what the hell are you doing over there no collectors like indignities like what you you the guys have told me that that you have sex with animals they're like huncle Hector you damn fool that's Kitchener Leslie's girlfriend [Applause] you're gonna get your last knees no that's terrible pitching her Leslie's pig-catching her Leslie his ladies oh yeah you tell quite a yarn man well I heard shorter runs but there's no other guests tonight that pretty much I have one other funny actor that's very short I don't think we can hear is the always entertaining Norm Macdonald ladies [Applause] [Applause] [Music] I saw that show today Norma very funny what show that's in the show yeah your TV show congratulations and by the way you look very youthful and how come we haven't seen you in two years oh how come I haven't been here in two years yeah I've been busy I got a kid you know you got a kid yeah I do how old's Harry he's seven yeah Danny they grow up so slow it's barely discernible he's 18 they get far less cute yeah not as cute when they're on the lawn punching you in the chest yeah anyway it's good to have you here it's good in addition to the new show the Norm Macdonald sports show you have you have like your was it your first stand-up special yes I did a Comedy Central special one of 40 they did this year on Comedy Central but it was fun but I got a weird time they showed it at 11:30 and on Saturday and it turned out that that was during this thing called Earth Hour I think some people know what it is on earth hour you have to turn off your electricity and as you know as I know and as they apparently know TVs are powered by electricity so and furthermore my key demographic is damn dirty hippies yeah oh man you know took one on the chin there oh yeah listen I'm very surprised and impressed about this that you you we've built kind of like a Twitter following yes I well I'm an internet sensation whoa now I didn't take you for a guy that would know about that kind of I know all about that stuff really when did you start Twitter that's your weeks ago really but this is what I know I did it for the Oscars the guy told me how to do it I was watching the Oscars and you know how horrible those were pretty easy to do just jokes about how horrible and you know some of the things were nice like it was nice to see Kirk Douglas of course you know and he had that terrible stroke which didn't affect his comic timing at all and but so i twittered and i ended up twittering 190 tweets whoa and which is it turns out sway too much really so people started telling me to stop anyways you know get this just earlier this have a rate before we came on the show I walked out here I've been some kind of Twitter feud with Steve Martin I know that I know that speed also actively Twitter's yeah yeah so this is what happened dig this you know how to tweet no you don't got a tweet so where you been so so so I read he writes a tweet I misunderstand it I reply everybody says what he said okay well this is what he said I'm not really that great at it he said he said has anybody seen my hat hmm now I've looked every four for it I can't find my hat right so I say was it a brown fedora with a red hat band but what I didn't know is he sent a Twitpic stop right there let me just say if this is an example of Twitter communication it's invaluable [Applause] what do you think I should answer and this is the last thing you said to me he goes this just came in nine seconds ago he goes still mulling over this tweet from norm to me it's so enigmatic is it a put-down I I don't honestly I I mean he lost a hat right yeah and then you responded is it with a red hat man yeah I don't none of this makes any sense it's a generational thing [Applause] okay what's cool about the internet and being an internet sensation step on it YouTube now everybody you know I don't know if you remember about but there's Fame and did you ever hear the Andy Williams quote in the future it really will be famous for 25 minutes yes Andy Williams was Moon River any more than generational okay like for instance have you ever heard of Harrison Schmitt no okay he walked on the moon I didn't know that an astronaut a guy who walked on the moon there's very few people that have been in a position to go hey where's the moon there it is right well you're right that's a good point now so 12 people have landed on the moon Neil Armstrong Buzz Aldrin who else right so this Harrison Schmitt fellow must be going what the hell do I have to do to get famous yeah meanwhile the Kardashians we know Khloe we know it's awful Louis Louis Kardashian Oh we'll be right back with the Norfolk [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you can tweet tweet a Steve Martin can you tweet him right now I got Twitter I just tell him that I said hi okay yeah and that you're on the show and we're talking about him and okay I said I said awesome and oh and this I'm sorry about the Hat [Applause] you know that's great also while I do this I'll tell you this the great thing about the blogosphere now the great thing is this that that you you have friends you see what I mean yeah now on the computer I have about a hundred sixty thousand friends Oh in real life I have two that I actually like my I like my friends on the blogosphere here because this is the thing like they can go like like in real life right your friend will go hey my grandmother died this morning and then you go oh good do you want to come over to my house and talk about it for four hours and then on this thing the your friend can go hey my grandmother died today and then you go unfollow normally you do I do I remember that you were okay if you just get that it over to him by Labor Day that'd be try you still gamble like somebody told me that you did you do did we know how yeah it's a gamble I don't gamble anymore was it a problem yeah I got to be a problem man and then I tried to do it smart every time I try to do it smart a bad thing would happen no what do you mean well one time I was trying to a handicapped baseball you know which you can actually beat baseball with your handicap improperly so I was trying to handicap and I figured out for like three hours and I went down a book and Miraj a sports book I went up to the feller you know and there was a guy beside me a big fat guy you know with like oh the enemy is dressed like real rich you know he opened a big guy - a case filled with $10,000 chips pulls out like 750,000 and he's gonna bet on this boxer boxer you know a fighter you know yeah and it was a four to one underdog so I said I'm not gonna bet my baseball bet I'll just bet on this four to one underdog you know yeah cuz this guy must know somebody's probably in the Mafia so so I don't watch i watch this boxing match dude and the guy my guy that I bet on gets knocked out in 25 seconds whoa so I go back to the book I go what that guy from the math you with it because that guy's not for the math you goes that's all longshot Louie he's a rich guy loves long shots well it's just there's just no winning is there there's no winning nobody ever went ever now this sports show with Norm Macdonald premiers you know it's my birthday April 12th I saw it this afternoon very funny show and and I think it's gonna be a huge hit for minor sports joke yeah oh you're like racing cars right how about that Daytona 500 how about that kid that won right how old was he like 20 yeah yeah he raced all around you know went so fast apparently he was texting the whole time it's generational the show premieres April 12th on Comedy Central sports show with Norm Macdonald great pleasure [Applause] [Music] 56 between eighth and Broadway okay and what's your phone number there's give me seven digits all right I did what your neighbors nice people though people live around people I every day I meet somebody new you know this city is great because of the neighborly people you know one neighbor interesting story you know that this guy just moved in you know next door to me so I'm always one to meet the neighbors you like to chat with the neighbors yeah because you know so I I went over to the guy knocked on the door next door to where I live and I say to the guy today I'm your new neighbor you know and I said good to see ya you know nice to nice to run into you you know like welcome to the neighborhood you know and so the guy said what do you do for a living there sir you know if you don't mind me asking you know what do you do for a living I'm a I'm a nightclub comic I tell the guy so he says to me he says I'm a work down at the University of Science there he says I'm a I'm a that's a good school by the way I can't remember the exact place he says I I'm a professor of logic so he says the guy says logic now what the hell is that I never heard tell of that he says oh well he says it's a kind of a pattern of syllogistic vol he says it's hard to explain he says well I why don't I give you an example mm-hmm so I said fair enough why don't you do that so the guy says well he says let me ask you a question he says do you own a dog house so I go yes I do he says well then that means you probably have a dog I said yes he says well that means you're likely you have a family if you have a dog I said yes I do he said well then that means you got the kids you're married I said yes yes I am he says well then you're a heterosexual man I said yes sir I am he says well you see that's logic there I I asked if simply from finding out you had a dog house I made this series of inferences and I have found that you're a heterosexual man simply from the fact that yet a doghouse well I said good God isn't that something okay so I said well I won't waste any more of your time there neighbor and I said I'll see ya see you later see you around okay I said come on I come back one day and have a chicken with me so I go I go to get a bus you know to the bus stop and I walk down to the bus stop and I still thinking about this the thing that happened to me them and I'm standing at the bus and no bus coming at all you know five or six of us standing around and one guy lights up a cigarette there and he goes he goes as soon as you light up a cigarette the bus comes and he smokes the whole damn cigarette no bus counts so I said to the guy well that theory really worked then the guy goes well sometimes it works anyways the guy goes what's new with you I go well I had an interesting thing happened to me today I said I met my neighbor and he goes oh yeah I go he had a hell of an interesting job I said he's a professor of logic down at the University of Science and so the guy says is that so he says la professor of logic he goes what the hell is that logic I said well it's a series of Susilo something or other night I said I can't remember exactly but I said I'll give you an example if you want to hear an example so the guy goes alright good fair enough so I said let me ask you this I said yeah do let me ask you a question do you own a dog house and the guy goes no I don't know in a dog house I sense the guy says oh yeah you're one of them gays [Applause] [Music] what great stuff you can learn it knows that University of Science they're all right and then the guy and then get this this gay guy invites me to have a chick another Saturday Night Live ah it's one coming up on October 19th you guys got Bill Pullman a new addition that's great that's gonna rock it off Oh Norm Macdonald god goddamn one of my favorite cast thank you for coming no I'm excited everybody coming up we'll be right back [Music] what about the program I did tonight a very funny comedian and actors on Saturday Night Live for many years his new show is Fox's a minute with Stan Hooper you don't just come in here uninvited why not what are you doing can your bed red roses on our bed we don't live like this Gary yes you do Gary it's lovely but that'll be all for tonight Oh okay mrs. H well if you need me I'll be in my quarters where are your quarters why would we need him they're right next door the house has five bedrooms Gary yes and mine is next to yours please welcome Norman Johnny that clip didn't seem that entertainment that's not the whole show is it that's the best part you picked that out especially I miss you Johnny I miss you TV is congratulations stop it I'm here academy-award don't even talk about it just wait hi by the way you are the first guests to sit in our new couch talk to me about this is something catchy I'll tell you that man what do you think that's the highest compliment you can pay a couch it is it is a high compliment it's just so we have a minivan of nuns that is uh have you ever felt the couch that you felt that way before before this couch no this is the first one man I'm a normal fella you know do you think it's the ultra suede maybe and maybe the luring come hither look there's a bit of a nice slant to it I believe damn that's a nice couch it's a nice couch I don't mean to disparage okay now we're talking about the age you mentioned Arnold what are you saying Oh selling that I love Arnold Schwarzenegger you love Arnold Schwarzenegger already see him for in the state around and I thought it was a very unfair when people said that he wasn't qualified for the office you know because they said you know they could because he's a movie star you know an action hero you know that that shouldn't qualify him to be governor of California but what they don't remember is and I maybe I'm Ryan with this but wasn't he at one point his life mr. universe that's right well yeah yeah you bring up a coaching point I mean this is this is a tiny state on a globe in the Milky Way yeah you see the big picture exactly yeah gifted you know you're a smart fella you should think about running for office with that well IIIi I do feel that one day I might do that I in all humility I think that I might have some ideas you know really but you know I'm not I'm not ready yet I think you have to prepare for these things so I started I started weightlifting you working out I mean you look you look good I guess yeah I got my ABS yeah those ABS are they supposed to stick out like that I thought the ABS went in I didn't know that so your abs so powerful they're actually coming forward that's amazing and they're Harry Harry yeah yeah I don't want to see it I don't even know what I'm supposed to do when I get the ABS really are you just showing to people did you enjoy yourself thank you you know I worked out now I went to this trainer is a personal trainer and this guy man I don't know if you've ever lifted weights you look like you have yeah but now he looks like a strong guy but I was I went there and I've never lifted weights you know and I was new to it and so the idea is you take the weight you lift it up and then then you put it down right yeah and then right away yeah you're listed again you put it now and you do this 20 times and then the weights where it was when it started you know and then it's everybody gain any new game because the way it is the same place and your muscles hurt you're all sore and everything and very repetitious you know it's a it's the same problem I have a sex I know it's too too much of the same too much in the same yeah you can't get into it and so then so then the this character my trainer finally after two weeks of like listening these crazy amounts of weights I go geez I think I finally it's getting a little easier he goes I'll put more weight on it hello what it's the same thing yeah just in the brending cycle I know did you hurt that why did you slip into subjects if you finally figure that out it's not like they bring a heavier lady [Applause] get a bigger girl I'd like to take a break ball with corn but after this the anchors the Weekend Update on Saturday night alive and he has recently clicked the nasty habit of smoking nor McDonald norm [Applause] [Music] okay now you're a young iconic class norm you know the kids they get you I was gonna wear a suit I like this old DB Cooper's look for you man this is now it see the guy jumped out of the plane no no he's married Alice Cooper now for my first talk yeah you come in the room and you and Drake say they're had no lights on it was like some Anton LaVey Satan cult in there and you guys used to turn out the sickest jokes ever and everybody was always smoking then I see you on Saturday Night Live during the opening credits and one of the things I like about you is you're completely unfiltered on that show you'll say anything and I saw in the picture you had a cigarette in your mouth but this guy just doesn't give a so I asked you to come on I find out you pushed that on me and quit smoking what is that all about no because it's bad for you they have these things on the side you have to read the fine print where it says it's bad when did you first start smoking I said it's long as a kid like when I was like 14 and I thought I look really cool like if I start smoking cuz I go on anybody I started smoking wouldn't you know it I did look cool yeah it was hard though man because I was I was guilty about all the time I smoked I was that you know that's that I always knew it was bad for me you know like even though some you know some guys old say it's good because their uncle lived long or somebody smoked you know no go hey what about you know that old guy you know burt mustin what about that guy you know and then he just comes to he lived lying that doesn't mean anything right that's just one guy you can't just cause burt mustin live long you're all of a sudden you then you did your masters theses on this didn't it people bother you a lot when you're smoking where people pissed off when yeah people don't like when you smoke you know they they're bothered like I gotta admit though secondhand smoke is bad like I don't like when I smoked I didn't like secondhand smoke yeah I like that firsthand smoke is you get a sucker a cigarette you know in the second-hand any any thing that's already been ingested by someone is not good you know I strike like a pork sandwich is delicious but after a digested pork Sam you can't fight that logic you cannot do you think advertising brings kids to smoking you know there's a lot of fight with the Joe Camel thing do you think they really yeah they got no the app definitely they got it because the thing is this the advertisers they got to go after kids because they're not going to get adults like there's not gonna be a fifty year old guy going hey I should start smoke goddamn camel yeah that's a frightening looking because he looks like a I [Applause] know you don't mind first and Cox you don't know that [Applause] there's a buddy of mine worked on Saturday Night Live and he said he was a once as a joke then he said everybody consumption saying you a game I'm gay man I mean show about smoking they thought you meant the British word for cigarette all right exactly can i bum a that's what they say anyway where else all right I think about Joe Camel looking like a dance oh yeah I lost my train of thought thanks for bringing me back is this isn't it I've noticed he look he doesn't even look like a camel he looks so much like a because you know how it's usually subliminal yeah where you have to find the right this character you have to find the goddamn camera yeah believe me when you only get two humps out of a car it's not worth smoking all right line two we got a phone call for you although I can't believe they'd still be on the line after this departure line - we've got Beverly from Middletown Ohio Beverly yeah hi Dennis hi norm all right you know my name I don't think yes I did i watch Saturday night do you like it yeah I liked it when Dennis was on you know why because you don't give a about Dennis you know what I read it's like the best thing you can do whenever I'd go on they go what's it like following chubby and I like Chevy it makes me laugh do I think about Chevy I'm trying to make a living here you know I mean when I see you I know you're thinking the same thing like screw Dennis I'm gonna kill it okay anyway go ahead what's your question okay since nicotine is such an addictive drug do you think someday you'll have to have a prescription to buy a pack of cigarettes well you know they always bring up the Constitution and talk about how we should still have the right to a militia and all that let's face facts this country was built on tobacco growers so you know if you're gonna start changing if you're not gonna change one thing because it comes from way back then you can't change this I know there are farmers out there make a living tobacco is one of the crops that got this country going so no I don't think they'll ever make it illegal yeah no they shouldn't make it illegal NORs backing me up on that what made it what motivated you to quit well I guess you know I guess I was just I read this thing about pal it was like a phallic symbol and that my doctor went in I said he said you probably have an oral fixation which you know what that means let's not get ourselves right that's why I always smoke like cigarettes instead of cigars because if I'm going to have a I like a little white bandage [Applause] I go away Ohio Middletown the center of the universe that take a nice clean call and then I space out I'm thinking I can't listen to more for a second I got to get a time cue here I come back and you're talking about I'm gonna thin white in ya in my in my mouth no no you misunderstand I'm sayin is this the mistake of thinking I listen to you I just want to make it clear about that thing I was just sayin if I ever was gay if they like selling any mandatory something I would choose the smallest and I do like a guy that came [Applause] I thought the Sun Deck was cut is next week I'm sorry does that answer your question answered cars Ranma car [Music] luckily we have the good taste to bring tonight's guests back every season he is uncensored a whipped as they come his new sitcom the norm show was on ABC Wednesdays at 9:30 please welcome George Wendt ladies and gentlemen with hey man how are you I'm all right you're in you're out my favorite guest all right here good man chef no no in a barometer of how far to go well no cuz it's HBO I try a lie can be dirty you know and that's fine you know what's your like a profane child that's I'm thinking you could then you go up on this pigeon esta crammed full of koksar Glee and joke camels are cocking your stuff when you think about your starter for case I said sitcom world is that hell or do you like that then it's not a lot of fun but you know it's good to do now it's not on all my there's all my nurse sent you a congratulatory telegram or what we're looking for there oh my I haven't heard any miss event who's the old miner Network as lady Jaime Tarsus you think you're funny yeah yeah yeah ol Meyers not even there anymore is it and I don't want those the last official duties yeah like you yeah he took off and they got this other guy I think it's maybe Sammy Sosa all right now I want to do a Rorschach thing what flashes into your mind when I say bad taste what do you think about this well there was this performance art guy I remember in New York that his whole big thing was he take a picture of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ of Nazareth and then that Jesus man and then his whole act is he he'd piss on it with his you know I least he showed respected have pissed with his what all right so I thought that was really an horrible leftover wine yeah because Jesus Christ you know he died for the guy's sin and then the guy pisses on his picture and it was a picture of Jesus dying for his sins like he was on that cross gone ha dying for the guy said this guy's like pissing all over but you know when Judgment Day comes he's gonna have to face Jesus Christ of Almighty of Azeroth and Jesus is going to say hey what's with the pinion on my picture that negates every other good thing he ever did you know it's like you don't piss on my picture that you don't want to come up to the gates of heaven God's leaning that with a nunchuck strapped around his neck you know I know I'll have some performance out for you all the devil show some coal up your ass as I said before the childlike outro but effective how do you define bad taste this is like beauty isn't in the eye of the beholder or what yeah it's kind of is you know it depends on what people some people like get upset over certain words like they think that that like girls all the time then when I'm talking to them like if I go hey how about you and I like the girl all this goes like I don't I think love I think love and I go out whatever you want to cause eyes my eyes my dirty Cox and I'm gonna get a semantic argument you know you've got making a grilled cheese sandwich as long as lies there's a lot of meat now what's the earliest into hitting on a woman that you've ever said I want to you you give it a couple minutes right I try to get in there pretty quick no because again I know cuz I don't like I don't ever ask them to would you like to have dinner I don't really like having dinner with them or or having a drink with them or anything like that yeah you know that's your sort of exchange with women is uh yeah I say hey then they go no and then they go how about we have dinner and I don't like dinner you know like basic thing you have basic exchange I'm not giving now lorem have you ever have you ever done anything in your long and storied career that you consider specifically to be in bad taste as you look back on maybe at the time you thought it was a good play you look at that funny you think that was invented well sometimes I can stand up I'll do jokes that I like one time I was doing this thing in San Francisco and they were all gay people in the audience they told me San Francisco oh sorry did I do stuff about gay people so that they could relate cuz I was this gay pride parade and I saw in authorities on old men and old ladies like with these signs that said we are proud of our gay son you know and so I was saying that's an odd thing to be proud of you know because it's not an achievement you know it's not like something you work all your life to be gay or anything like that and I just wanted I just I had a hard time believing that is 50 60 year old men are actually bragging you know it worked like there hey Bill you know my kid oh my god were fatter than Johnny he graduated from Harvard you know a first in his class you know I mean I know he's articling over to love her man oh yeah he loves he's here getting up tuck in his mouth else's kids I got a picture of the boy here sipping another minute Scot what do you do with your son i play with him you do how long this young man he's 15 years 15 years ago playing with him that's a fine thing yep when I was it when he was a very young boy you know when he was like three four so when I would play games with him you know like we play bass ball or something sure and I let him win right you know and now he can beat me at everything hey man I always beat you at everything I said no I used to let you win you go he doesn't believe some that can't be the happens in Canada stays in Canada but whatever heard that so actually it done really stayed like you can't snot you kill a person and then leave Vegas and everything's cool right so I what I did was I looked at that phrase what actually means is basically you go to Vegas prostitute and then she will not tell your wife gossipy small-town back at home there blabbermouth you're saying in the beauty parlor going oh you're married to Hank Johnson I at his face there are certain people what a Gilbert did I read the computer that Gilbert said something back at Aflac or something well I don't eat Oh Gilbert is not the type to apologize for anything but I think it cost him a lot of money the athlete gig was easy once a year he goes in acts like a duck and it makes it so you know he didn't know Affleck I guess has 75% of their business in Japan and they got a bit offended by what was going on did you it seems like everyone is being auditioned to be did you try to sound like Gilbert or did you try to no they said they said I wouldn't I have only there are like five auditions in my right there you don't think you don't you don't strike me as an auditioning kind of never so I go in and then go it's like I just thought I'd have to say Aflac once right that's easy so she goes listen create I want you to create a story like that's what I want you to do like well I just think of the duck be quizzical and funny and then sarcastic and then serious and then sexy and she goes just create a story have fun they all say have fun you know this is my work it's not fun here then like three seconds in I'm like I want to get the out of here she laughed and then there's just me and a guy with a hat I said listen man let me just others say Aflac got a life to live yeah so have you ever been in that situation you would never have been because you have complete freedom but it's me a guy with a hat he's telling me how to say Aflac I'm saying a flag I'm going I got that I don't have that many years left dawn on you like if a doctor told you at three weeks to live you think I'm spending too much time yeah you go to psychiatrist I went for four times I could see you'd be difficult make an app right did you fiends but I go I'd exaggerate things and then I go it wasn't that bad like you know so it was hard for you to take yourself seriously in therapy the first time I went was here in New York man I went to a apart it was in an apartment it's just during Saturday Night Live years yeah okay and like I was addicted to gambling so that's why I went but anyways I go to this you're not addicted any more than that look at me a lady psychiatrist attractive no no doctors are like the things at the bottom of the fish tank yet the fish look like that like a flounder and smart from the University someone recommend you'd some from suborn Michael's sake the Salmons that go to this lady's I go in right and I never been in no psychiatrist so she starts to ask me questions and I'm making a little jokes and right everything she's asking so she says enough with the jokes what's that right take it seriously you know you're talking about your father and stuff and you're making jokes right like say really what it is so you know I never did that my life right so I'm I I it's that I'm talking so then cut it's 25 minutes later tears streaming down my eyes I'm talking like a little bag baby right I don't know if the babies are I don't know but I'm trying right and then she's like okay times up there's another lady get out you know so then I walk out and a cold New York you know with the hot dog vendors they don't give a about I go through Central Park shaking here's a story about riding on his back then that guy kept doing coke and even when you know you get scared at some point you stop doing drugs right you most humans not this ate whatever he was doing all kinds of Sanga told me this story right so he's in the hospital he's got a brain tumor that's gonna cause a heart attack all this crazy right right so everybody's worried about him just leaves the hospital two days later right yeah so he's in he's in the Comedy Store with two hookers and he's waiting for ron jeremy to show up oh my goodness so this is two days later Saget told me he walked in he was like completely shocked he said Rodney how you doing what's going on how are you doing and writing this how am i doing because I'm sitting here with two waiting for a guy who could suck his own dick are you doing still very quick he was a genuine character I know guys who went into meetings with him about a movie he'd show up late in a bathrobe with his balls hanging out and like legendary stories of it you talk about not giving a you worship that you don't you want to be that guy who doesn't give a right I've met Rodney man when I was I made the worst mistake ever which I was in the hotel and I loved running I don't know and I was coming down in the in the casino I was coming down the elevator and rodney was in the elevator I'm like oh my god it's Friday I got to say something to him so anyways I'd worked on some stupid thing with this director yeah who said he worked with Rodney yeah sorry but use that as a thing right like oh hey Rodney I go we have a common friend he goes who's that I go you know Paul Johnson you is that Cox that no friend and there's a full elevator that is no friend of mine you telling me good suck my dick I'm like you hear these stories that Rodney was sort of a bitter guy cuz he made it late in life but yet he was a sweet guy because he helped it's something for me that I'll never forget like I appeared on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno back when I would yeah did that scumbag I I'm just yeah he's a great guy anyway but anyway I went on The Tonight Show and Rodney called me at my house now I didn't know Rodney he just says hey Howard I just want to tell you know what I used to do shows no one ever called me no one no one ever said I did good I knew what you were doing up there you were great you were doing a great job and I was like wow Rodney danger because he's the guy yeah thinks you did okay I must have done okay and what a tremendous nice thing to do for someone Saturday Night Live because he came and did you know when I did update he he came and did some jokes on his 75th birthday so we have to do dress first at 8:30 and then at 11:30 of the show you know right so he comes and he's like okay no I got a talk to you know so I go in and I'm like mr. James bill it's great to me first time I ever met amigos listen man he goes what the man why am i doing it at 8:30 you know it's a say I know my jokes I'll just come back at 11:00 thing I go I don't know how it works man you got to do it you guys cam because let me tell you something kid this was a device on the kid he goes let me tell you something kid he goes this TV you know he goes it's waiting around all the time it's a bunch of you know it's because it's the same with movies you know you in the movie and then you're in the trailer all the time that's all you're doing the jerking off in the trailer you know because it's all kid egos remember this and remember it remember it forever stand up man that's all there is stand up and he meant it then there's a like five minute posse look at me right in the eyes you go stand up negative you know this guy Milo's Foreman director so he put he saw me on Saturday live so he got the idea I was smart so it's me him and two guys from fort two foreigners right and so these guys know everything you know and so they're like what about the situation and the Balkans or they know everything the concern yeah so he thought and I just kind of play along like by repeating what they had said three six so anyways he goes I put you in a movie then I need the guy and he was gonna give me a big purse right so I was like no no don't go seriously Muse I don't want you to give me a big part see they're arguing what do you want I go just give me a small part that'd be cool so he made me a reporter in this business People vs Larry Flynt right yes yeah I played one of the people right I think something you were about to be Larry please write me Flynn so we go to we do the movie right and we're and I'm a reporter you know so you guys you know you drive up and get out of the car and run in I go well I can't drive reporters in a cab so I get so we do the scene it's me and Larry Flynt you know I mean I know Woody Harrelson yeah so you know he has all these cameras he goes okay you know you don't worry too much about the script you know he's a really cool guy and he goes just there whenever he already do it you know so then anyways Woody Harrelson is really cool and actors man when they're really good it's like something different right now and because I'm just I'm just waiting for the other to stop talking pay attention now just hoping to remember of our burden so a right what's-his-name Woody Harrelson asked me if I want a beer you know he goes you want to be alright god no it's cool I know I don't drink you know because you know how to beer I go no I don't drink but thanks man and then I go you drink like I thought you just smoke weed and then all of a sudden you got caught up in the movie he was such a good actor you said you'd rather you'd rather play Frogger than have sex oh yeah well you have to know Frogger you know it's an arcade game where a little frog has to go across the river yeah and they had like little logs that he asked it and sometimes the logs a crocodile tries even you're like totally into that yeah well I like a lot of things better than I don't care for sex I'm totally booked I don't have any what's the matter yeah it hasn't like gotten better over the centuries you know it's always the same thing it's very like I had sex when I was young man and then I had it for a while and then I realized it's kind of there's always the same thing you know there's only a few things you can do you can go like this and then over you know I mean you gotta do this for a while do you think that we're being drugged by the government to lose interest in sex oh no I just think it's a it's a thing that like you know when people go hey you know that guy's a good he's good and dead you know and to me like how hard is it it's not like if you're good in badminton or something you know that's a hard thing badminton you gotta and Frogger you know but facts you can figure it out like ten minutes see that yeah and like like goats do it and stuff you know like goats and pigs and stuff all do it so how special can it be exactly show me a goat that can get past the third level of Frogger the writers write it and then you say it so then if it's not funny the audience hates you you know so mean to Ryder right the audience is gonna watch the Roseanne show and go oh that dirty Bruce Rasmussen he's not funny at all no it is funny I'd be like I don't think it's funny yeah well I wrote it and I say it's funny well then you go out there and say it they want like kind of they kind of want a robot that'll just say anything yeah but they're good people the writers you know I have to go back and talk to them after the show yeah remember when I used to make you all work numbers yeah yeah yeah resent me so we're in numbers on our shirts so she wouldn't have to speak to us as human beings actually we have some writers on this show that was at work that resent your show yes we have three and eight so I know that the guy that used to write the what do you call it in hustler magazine he used to write the jokes the captions under the comics in hustler good he's the one that created your show yes the most he's the most talented of all we also did Drew Carey he's the most number I ever had on that show yeah and I wish him the best yeah he's Bruce Helford yeah three yeah he wrote that he started out at hustler man I didn't know that those things were a sterically he never told me that you mean like the really dirty yeah the cartoons my blood didn't everything yeah yeah and then add those captions they were funny yeah they're hilarious well one time I had a psychiatrist yeah like and because they told me I should go see a sec I didn't want to go see one or any of that but this so I go to see this dude a psychiatrist and I'm tired of the guy and I couldn't think of any problems or anything that I had you know just like a guy I'm working with kind of a troublemaker you know and the bosses I was so I'm just like and then the saying the guys like sitting there you know so then I give the guy twice right and then I'm reading the paper the guy kills himself really yeah he killed himself and then and then I was reading his horrible life like he was on all these drugs and he was one of those guys that liked to hang themselves there to have sex and all this weird stuff [Laughter] good god like the last week is life he's listened to my boring problems like that how deeply did that's frighten you when he write it in the paper that he killed himself yeah I don't like hearing about guys killing themselves that's really scary isn't it yeah especially a psychiatrist you figure they got it all going on in their head right yeah and then like when you find out they're crazier than you yeah I don't like that cuz I also I don't like the psychiatrist too I'm always afraid like that you know they get you under their spell there they do and then you don't have anybody else you only trust the guy yeah and then of course first thing he does has sex with you same with a hypnotist like I always think of a hypnotist is gonna hypnotize you yeah he should say right before I promise I will not have sex with you you know while you're under because you know I want to give up smoking but at the same time [Applause] it's kosher pizza it's so good - cuz you're Jewish that's right I just want to be able to eat pepperoni that's made out of veal or something I got that you'll go to hell pork yeah cuz you're Jewish well that'd make me go to hell isn't that the whole idea no I'm Christian I can eat any kind of pizza and not go to hell [Applause] well they don't specifically mention pizza in the Old Testament but you know you don't you never know where you know you want might want to avoid this piece actually has hogs on and I said listen man cuz I kept hearing these things about how old people always have sex you still a grandfather you still have sex it was like good lord no and then he was explaining it to me he's like cuz in his own head he thinks he's like a young dude yeah you know and so it's not like all of a sudden your tastes change where you go hey that wrinkly old lady looks good yeah people still look good when they're in their 20s - like my old guys yeah yeah cuz he said whenever he looked in the mirror he is always shocked cuz he thought he was a like a Doughboy back in the First World War yeah he thought he was a handsome dude and even even if he did know he was ugly he still was not attracted to the old bag is on the Adam Carolla Show great to see you norm yeah Norm's gonna be the brain broth tomorrow that is a Thursday through Sunday two shows on Friday and Saturday feels like a tall order for noir McDonald a donkey ride to heaven will be hey norm I don't know if you can remember this story but somebody I think told it to me about you about you gambling coming in late and calling for a wake-up call that was probably just a few minutes after you went to bed do you remember that story how did that story go I remember laughing hysterically but don't remember all the details as was back when I was drinking and was really drinking a lot and I was gambling and everything and I went up to the room and I said I phone down as I remember I phoned that down at the front desk and I said I listened give me a wake-up call for six o'clock mm-hmm and I was like that's five to six like I said that let you go you'll be dialing soon norm it's like Ty Pennington got to your head and made you over the last time I saw you you had a gray beard oh yeah yeah yeah you really said I was sober I don't drink Wow I don't drink I don't drink and I don't do drugs but it's a nun really yeah I don't do anything about I know you've never been a drinker oh I have in the past when I was bought a long boy but I get scared like you know when you're young do anything yeah saying right because the other things gonna die so as young people just hand me pills I gotta eat them and then I got older and I was like damn and I'm gonna die I'm not gonna do nothing right so but you still gamble that's a vice right that's advice but it's not life threatening in any way right unless your book he kills you it's quality of life threatening arguments a bookies don't really kill you they don't they wasn't running bad money right make a deal nor I had a bookie take all my money and because I want so much and then my buddies I hold man you got to break his leg and stuff right now my boy I'm already out all this money I'm Eric yeah you want a bag what was it like a hundred grand or something payoff hmm now what we betting on we've been on football what Bob mostly yeah but it became crazy where's like basketball basketball every single day so norm you have not had a drink in how long well I'm first of all I'm not an alcoholic even that I don't campers they alcoholics say no I'll go it count the days of right along it's been mm-hmm so sometimes I go to a party Galgo hey what you want a drink I just give me water and an Ergo yeah al coholic and I'm like no man you're the guys that are drinking right yeah I want to water they go I know we understand so you daughter I don't drink so you don't get drunk out of my mind and barf all over myself if it'll take away the stigma of being an alcoholic but my dear friend man that he some guys get any women they want yeah you know I'm sure you know that type you know it's not either incredibly handsome any but somehow there's some about them and my buddy bill he yeah guy could get any lady I'm telling you literally had sex with a different woman every night I asked I said what's your secret you know he said I'm a serial rapist did you say that on the view the other day when you were on the view how are the view they don't want me out there I thought you were on the view no they don't like me anymore why won't they have you well one time one time they want me to go on the view right so I was like up all night like for a long time as I was in my gambling day isn't self-id up mm-hmm and so the guy kept phoning me to producer the view you know mm-hmm Gettys yeah that's the guy and so he kept he could have an ID like funny ideas I could do you know right I like they'd love to have those guys right so I mean here's a funny idea let's not talk about rape like ideas like that no it's fine with me it's just funny I striked me with Norman with me sometimes you talk to producers about funny ideas maybe you shouldn't be doing more donots than did they do that they go hey don't swear on the view like you're going to swear right that hard here's an idea for your segment don't use the n-word yeah what happened how did you end up ending like the guy like I kept on is crazy like ideas you go like that hey why don't you come out like a red wig on why would I do that yeah I did gals Ortiz and Barbara better new hair cannons are I cuz I'm trying to be nice I have a hard time saying no no yes and then so finally I think of Sam yeah so he and I met a poker table all the time talking to him you know I used to play for like 70 Iran so he talked keeps on he's like I got it man he's like you carry out a cell phone out of the show right there he goes halfway during the show your cell phone rings you know as your agent Morty you know so you pick of UI hey man I love you this is not tied to talk here Morty you know you're smart he's not on the line you're just pretending right is terrible time Marty I'm on the TV you know so I go yeah that sounds good you know no attention I really doing right now what time did you go to bed that night I didn't go to bed so Oh drive into the stupid view right and I go I had this story about cars I go I'll do that story about beating Bill Cosby you know so I show up and they put makeup on I go I go I'll be what are you talk about I go I'm cool man just um do you ever meet Bill Cosby so so as I'm walking in the producer unbeknownst to me slips the cell phone him you know remember I bit yeah you have the red wig though yeah I know how to do that that's why I get to be a large story but what happens it's good I went out of the view and you know hundreds was his taxi that is this when this was a long time but this is when President Bush was he wasn't the president he was running for the Presidency Pratt right so I don't know about politics right but Ben Stein had called me and he said that you know vents - so you know like when Clinton came by there was like ten bells like Streisand's Schwarzenegger everybody know right up and then read never showed I was just me and Ben Stein he used to be a speechwriter for news yeah that is a very sobering homecoming for Bush this Norm Macdonald and inside at the airport yeah I got to talk to you forever and an air force on anyway Wow the story is that going to view and as soon as I hang with you I'm out tired and everything I'm like all right ladies what's going on the news bill cosby what's going on been a four so all of a sudden they show a picture of me stand next to George Bush who's running for presidency and they go hey check this out whoa whoa normally you know as it was a picture of curtain vault I'm standing behind side Hitler on the risers yeah sure what's this all about you know like I'm crazy right so just to get it on earth I go well it's better than that last guy Clinton he's murdered again that's it then Barbara Walters like went all crazy and she's like what did you say young man yeah my god oh I thought was a matter of public record like I just drag it mark I go didn't Ethan burger guy heard he murdered that Vince Foster guy and the predator with a suicide or something isn't that matter if I very slick listen you trend on thin ice mister he fish come out call me mr. haire I'm like no I heard her the guy said about six times so she's like what Bill Cosby fair to her she thought you're Tim Meadows to be fair to her anyways and so the whole audience is all in shock and on everything I don't know how to react to this all craziness and all this sounded like my cell phone rings right yeah more on the phone I forgot about it was coming from the speakers I don't know what it was like that it occurred to me and I pull out a cell phone my and Marty a terrible time to car right slipper below what are you doing yeah and I know I don't know that the battle began to poor Ulis died and she was just stared at me for like three seconds you guys you are one piece of work mister she said it was Vince Foster kickin from the beyond calling from hell since I'll see you soon Norm's got a new CD out called ridiculous norm when we left off we were talking about Bill Cosby and you never getting to tell your Bill Cosby story on the view but yeah you can certainly tell it here Oh Bill Cosby well I opened for Bill Cosby and I was really excited you know because I'm a Canadian and he was like the first man I ever heard and everything I still love him you know and so I was real excited narrating and so and we're performing oh my lord is like an entire football field right well where is it it was LSU mm-hmm and I'm sorry it was Tulsa uh it doesn't matter right yeah he didn't have to crash uh and so I get there and it's our entire football field in a little tiny stage and I have no way of knowing had a you know so I'm like you know anyone have an answer Machine Manager they're just talking to each other right I have no idea of how to talk to this many people you know so they completely ignore me for the whole thing but you know they don't hate me or anything they just write notice me and Emily some I how on earth you know so I was interested in seeing how Bill Cosby do so Bill Cosby lands in a helicopter like ten minutes before he's wearing a sweatshirt and I'm in a suit and everything you know and he says why are you wearing the suit that's a Bill Cosby goes our College he talks like this didn't words he doesn't he was right he goes college sweatshirt dude a mad lib so he gets up and so he's these a guys a jeez to stand beside the lay the ladies not nervous at all of course you know is anything going on in the school she says next week we play LSU you know where Tulsa he goes taillights okay fine and then introduce me walks out he goes tosod and everybody screams right and it goes LSU and everybody boobs and there goes toe so all right he goes exact times every time slower and throwing up and down like they're in a lather right and I goes next week I will be performing hell as you and I'll be doing that big backwards thanks amazing but afterwards so I talked to my god man your best you know listening has a chin airing my dad and my dad I was racist but he loved you you know an ultimate compliment tempered like his racism stuff yeah it's telling it's like telling a cow that your mom's vegan but it was willing to eat just to you yeah that's how much she loves you yeah if you want to compare an african-american to a cow well you don't want to pick another animal one that may climb a tree and eat bananas all right norm come on reel in so Cosby says to me so I said yeah my dad loves you goes where it is dad'll if I go out of us a trans was a agent you know whatever guy who was with him whose frame I'm not doing either was so he looks at his thing and he says oh yes sir mr. Cosby we're doing Ottawa and Augustine you gave me the Mega Man father this is so now I'll get your father front-row seat afterward he'll come back to us and talk with me and now treat the man well and I was like man that's great I'm sorry go get me a pen the man needs a paper write down the phone number so I'm getting to that a favor and I realized my dad's dead right well 666 would be the area code sorry buddy so I go uh man I don't want to now say my dad's dead bring the whole conversation right sure I just write down nine fake number is a mathematical genius knower MacDonald everybody I know the area code of where my dad lives so I so anyways I got here you know joy he's he's alive you know we should get a lot so hard to tell so then amazingly now first of all this shows you how like powerful people can find anybody right I was doing the civil I was in this lame thing on The Drew Carey Show and as of like a little guest there you know and the stage manager runs up she goes Bill Cosby's on the phone what wrapped it down yeah you could find out how long after you'd seen him on the field I told Sonny but Slavin so I get the phone as Bill Cosby it's like a phone the number the man is not that this different than the father's very different ice twice a phone Wow then so I might keep lying I go ahead hey I'm sure that's his number I don't know what to do no he died in the interim you could have said he just died that's a V that's fast yeah more you know why did Bill Cosby so I guys I did actually tell that story and I was at Sarah I live I told that story on a talk show and the next day then I went in my office to Sarah I live and there was about 600 like flowers like whole big things of flowers the office like packed with flowers it was so like crazy and I find one of the little flowers there's a little note and it said I'm sorry to be the one to tell you but your father has long since died Bill cars wow it's funny yeah trouble to make a joke well what a guy seems like a great guy man bad pimp like you'd be my girl all right the about you to be my girl yeah I I'm gonna parent you and ok listen girls I got to talk to you yeah okay hey sir magic norm listen I don't think you guys have that attitude against me well I just feel like we you've been taking a lot of our money a lot of you have not been paying me why hmm no I have the knife I know you guys have never seen it but I've took I got the ones that found you at the bus stop and let you sleep on my couch yeah all right yeah part of the deal I thought that was the unspoken but anyways I want some of the money look it doesn't have to be ninety ten oh I understand I understand the 90/10 was a little you serious on my part have a fifty fifty you get to sleep in Cheryl what do you think I don't think so no it's I have no I really have a nothing I think you guys don't believe me or night but you've heard stories well only from you then I cut that girl that's a true story I'm making that up I talked to Cindy oh you notice that you've met Cindy yes she said she's a liar she said you never cut her she's a liar accident that's where they scar yeah she said you talked about the knife all the time goodbye she said you said to her yeah I can buy a night it's easy I know when I got a buy a knife I know people hold on you said you had a knife you have a knife but it's in a catalog I know people that could get me a knife illegal well let me trace that stab is like me saying I have a swimming pool but it's at someone else's condo what you used to be afraid of me I'm not well you don't even have a knife you just said you could buy a knife you used to be so afraid of me when I threatened oh you said you'd beat me the car antenna but you're you don't even have a car you drive a Geo Metro that's not a pimp car you want to go to a bad guy I thought you were bad at never hurt you but listen my nice protected you everybody finally breathe me that's right did you haven't I protected you except two times you it's not even a two times all right and those guys were big all right but you promised to beat me and that's why I was attracted to you because of the history I have it my stepfather yeah I get uncomfortable but I push you yeah you pulling lint off my sweaters not I said the other night that your your lasagna was undercooked yeah I know but so you liked I gave you and then that's because I gave you a middle piece when I give you an NP she said it was delectable and that thing you do with your finger to wipe the stains off our faces we don't like that yeah we don't like this smudge thing I've become too close look we didn't get into this not to be beaten or threatened or to keep 90% of our booty how often do I mention the knife all right and you reminding us to use condoms and to say thank you and you're telling us we don't have to do what we don't want to do yeah what's not helping our business yeah well you don't have to do any of this stuff listen unless the guy unless the guy's big I'll protect you guys if I could take the guy remember you're gonna stab no I'm not gonna stab a guy but you invited us to sit at your each year sometimes he's just doing weird stuff but it's not that weird but let me say this you're you working out of your mom's house is awkward for both of us okay yeah and sure she's a delight and she makes a great nobody what happened anything right this is a complete secret well your mom I mean look let's first off you wearing Dockers and flip-flops there's no outfit for a pimp we're gonna have to get you like made over you drive a Geo Metro you keep threatening your pimp Han but you never laid a hand either one of us you're not verbally abusive you're not physically abusive I laid by the way the first two nights I spent on your mom's sofa I slept with no underpants on presenting I didn't I wasn't raped once you came by two times you offered me milk when you went to the kitchen and then another time he also offered me post them I don't even know what that is you're just a bad pair thank you the bad sin scene you know Zuckerberg says he's only eating his own meat that he kills now have you read that with his bare hands yeah the monster it tries to do one thing to alter his modern lifestyle every year and this year he says he's only gonna eat meat that he's actually killed and I was wondering what are you adhering to vegetarian strict vegetarian I'm not strict they eat chicken and [Laughter] that's better than a soy beans yeah you're right which sounds better that or soybean listen some of the best meals I've had is that Mongolian thing over at Dahmer's live fish at a sushi restaurant and the guys like Japanese mm-hmm and so I go I eat just sushi me like raw fish I don't eat with rice or anything like that yeah my trying to impress him he goes I eat raw you eat a live fish oh yeah even though I don't never think he's gonna call you yeah and yeah I go plus it sounds kind of cool he goes I get you live fish I go thanks man like I was an inside guy and then he brought a fish and and hit it and knocked it out but a stick it was live and that clears out a sushi a lot of even my gorillas there was a barfing in a bathroom and the only people interested was the guy Japanese sociopath and all the none of the Mexican help they're all like looking like I'd eat it it's I had to cut it and then they leave the the fish that's on the skeleton that looks like the one Sylvester found on a garbage thing to go to move it's moving and like a dead bobblehead and you had it for water in its mouth to keep it alive so you could watch it die as you ate anyways Here I am a young lad auditioning for the Joan Rivers show and it was on yeah it's the first time ever came in the United States me and Howard bus gang yeah and so me and Howard busking and Mario Cantone Joan Rivers likes us all you know so we're at the Hyatt Regency which is across in the Comedy Store where we auditioned for Joan Rivers yeah and it's me and higher bus gang are in the room you know and Howard busking smoked some smoked marijuana at the time you know I don't yeah but he smoked marijuana and I was watching yeah and so I said Howard man it's weird you just smoking marijuana all by yourself why invite old Mario Cantone over right so he phones Merrill can't owns a room America told us yeah I'll come over so he comes over like a minute later all red-faced with his lover okay he's also red-faced they're drenched in sweat okay yeah they've just been yeah fornicating yeah they've been fornicating yeah and so they're like yeah we'll take some so they take quicks you know smoke this joint so that they'll enhance their orgasm later right right sure okay then they give it back to poor Howard bus gang and he's sitting there with this joint that has God knows what on it yeah yeah cuz - yeah yeah so howard busgang effort to be politically correct even though their god yeah smokes the joint gets full-blown AIDS no our bus games great guys is there a show right now Wow yeah in Canada well let's why are we talking about if I asked you if I said what I if I asked you if I said Tom would you give me a million dollars if I cut off your leg what would you say wait say that again if I give you if you I offered you a million dollars to cut off your leg would you accept you offered me a million dollars to cut off your right leg no no I would not accept if I offer you a million dollars could have your left leg would you accept mmm no but what about if I offered you a million dollars to cut off both of your arms no we accept you would not accept no no so you're admitting to me that your arms and legs are worth more than three million dollars then always like that treat him like oh my god sakes open like that I would get a million each for each limb no no cuz I would take that I'd take three million for two arms and a leg I do that I'd take three million for two arms in a leg but not 1 million for one leg not just I could use 3 million I'd sit around watch TV all day tap my fingers on my one good hand I have I have the remote right yeah yeah no I know you lose your cocked yeah what what how much how much for chopping the off you never mentioned that that was implied she have questions here I actually have some choir you guys a question I said no questions really no no this is what I saw after the trial it sounds stupid jurors uh after the OJ trial I see this big fat woman that was on there because you tend to think of jurors as wise or something I don't know why you know but you tend to think of them as wise people the jurors but afterwards they interviewed this one woman that was a juror big fat woman doesn't have doesn't have anything to do with anything right her weight but she was huge right and so mark she probably would have known to to not eat so many cheese exactly so this fat pig no no no so they're interviewing and they're asking her about the blood evidence because because Darden talked about the blood evidence for six straight days he introduced all those blood evidence that showed that you know as a trillion to one that it could wasn't OJ you know so they say why say this woman they say wait you know what about the blood evidence yeah so she goes everybody got blood goes if it don't fit you must quit no she remember the rhyme sure the rhyming was what did it I think a guy who tell me that uh do you know the do you know the lawyer Jerry Spence are you familiar with that lawyer he's from Colorado and you got a boy had cowboy hats all the fringe you were his friend yeah yeah yeah yeah so apparently in that closing arguments you can say anything you know you're not bound by any anything so I know this guy worked at a law firm and he said every time Jerry Spence would be the defense you know he'd always get everybody off and this is what he'd do he'd say no matter what the facts of the case were he'd say and that's he'd to talk about the case and then go that's it ladies no before I go I'd like to tell you a story and then the prosecution would go objection then the lawyer the judge ago let him tell the story so then he'd tell the story this was the story here we go ladies and gentlemen of the jury I'd like to tell you a story about a young boy precocious young boy that went up to a very wise old man and the boy held in his hand a bird and he said to the wise old man he said you are the wisest man that I know I have a bird in my hand and I'm going to give you a puzzle if you say eh you could say a or you can say B if you say eh I will let the bird go or I will crush the bird if you say B I will let the bird go or I will crush the bird what do you say old man a or B and the old man thought about it and the old man looked at the boy and he said son the bird is in your hands ladies and gentlemen the bird is in your hands they said like 20 minutes later they come back innocent sort of like a multi-purpose word for everything works every time yeah that's good and so then the woman look drowned or 14 children should get off because the bird story yeah

Channel: Jacobus Botha

Views: 12,183,777

Keywords:

Id: IsqmhrxYFAw

Length: 95min 47sec (5747 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 02 2016

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[u/nate500]

Norm is the GOAT