Emma Arnold: Yes, Please

tell us about yourself I live in Idaho and I am a comedian and a beekeeper and I have six kids over the road a lot and that's it and that's a beekeeper mother of six successful comedians Athaliah without further ado please put your hands together for the one the only [Music] [Applause] thank you thank you guys so much thank you for being here thank you for coming down thank you to the fan how about it for the band oh my god thank you guys so much really appreciate you wait just add a little extra sauce Jen's been having a live band oh so fancy I just before we start I wanted to real quick say something about we're taping my a my special and we're doing it here in Boise Idaho and people were like do when we were planning to do this they're like do you want to do it in LA or New York and I was like how did you 89 best yeah I love it here and you know I actually started performing here at Mac this is the first place I've ever performed and yeah not just to me but to a lot of people in the arts community super supportive of people trying new weird things and you know getting their sea legs and being weird and wonderful and I just want to say a real quick thank you to Sam in the back because they mean the world and I wanted to do it here because I just love this and um I don't know I just felt like this was sort of special so uh what do you guys think about my Bieber it's bigger than you thought it would be right when when my friend was making it he was like how big do you want your Bieber to be and I was like like it's the sky's the limit let me fill the whole building with my beaver we couldn't and that's as big as you can get a beaver apparently but this is amazing and I love it and it people people that you know I'm sure sometimes when people are like oh they'll watch this and be like why don't you choose to have a beaver up there and I'm about to get real [ __ ] cheesy with you and I'm gonna tell you it's because I have a beaver tattoo on my wrist and in like the way of my people I'm gonna white-girl explain to you my tattoo means as we like Starbucks tattoos me that's what we're all about when I first about five years ago I started comedy and about that same time I got divorced and those things worked pretty connected actually it turned out that for my marriage it was not a great thing for me to start speaking up for myself and being real mouthy so [Laughter] it did not mesh those two things very well and I know it seems sometimes people will be like oh why did you start in comedy and it really was because at the same time that I got separated and I suddenly had three little boys to take care of on my own with no education and no job experience and no job skills because I was a saiful mom I started comedy and was like yep this is gonna work great threw my eggs in that basket and luckily it did because poverty is a great motivator and really hustle your ass off when you're a single mom but at the when I first started and I had been doing comedy for about six months I was really overwhelmed because I was like how do you do this how do you make this work you know how do you make a career out of something that's just sort of an idea you know I had this dream one night that my kids and I were standing down by the Boise River and a beaver swam up to us and my son my youngest picked up the beaver and was petting it I was like oh no no no those are super dangerous I think maybe not and he was sitting there and he was putting it and then I looked out and I saw that this beaver had built this big dam across the Boise River and ahead like stopped it up and there was a big pond and you know the water was diverted to one side and I was standing there thinking how did one beaver do all of this alone like how did one beaver make this happen and my son was holding two beaver and he handed it to me and you guys I realize that the beaver was me [Laughter] yeah there's so much nicer than that deserves and I said to the beaver how did you build this dam all by yourself and the beaver said stick by stick and I know that's the cheesiest goddamn thing you've ever heard but every time I get overwhelmed and I get scared and I'm like what the [ __ ] am I gonna do how am I gonna do this I just do it stick by stick and I just put one stick on another stick and another stick kinda better stick and that's what tonight is about left stick down together guys put missing sticks down thank you aye-aye I told my son I was gonna tell that story I was like yeah don't tell that story people are gonna think you're Dorking like I think the word is out actually people are on to that it's true I you know I had the three kids and then I got into a Brady Bunch situation and now I have three more kids I have six kids now and who else has six kids just me okay you're not wrong if you were like we stayed at one cuz that's sensible correct that's true we went with six sometimes um sometimes when I'm doing a show the person after will to be like do you really have six kids was that a joke I'm like no it's not a joke because it's not [ __ ] funny it's not funny it's just this sad reality I live with every day all the time it's actually pretty great it's surprisingly great it's one of those things that is easier than it has any right to be my kids are pretty amazing they all get along surprisingly well I really I really love my stepkids and not just because they didn't recomment ate on the way out I said I was worried about being a stepparent because you know I'm I have step parents one of whom is amazing and is here tonight the other one is not here and I was worried because it seemed like a challenging thing but it really does make a huge different one difference when those children did not you know tear you open on the way out you can love them so much easier when you're not every time you look at them you don't think you big-headed idiot you know you oh yeah sure got your dad's noggin didn't ya it's nice nice that joke sometimes the ladies laugh and then I can see that it bums the guys out does [Laughter] is they're like oh she's a she's a lovely girl sounds like she knows a real wrecked situation [Music] and I do I do I do it's what it works fine it's great I came home from the war wound did you know it's like a Vietnam vet stand in the backyard like got some PTSD you know it's working through that I've always had a very good relationship with Planned Parenthood round of applause for Planned Parenthood yeah they have been taking care of me since I was a teenager keeping me road ready and I really appreciate that you guys find it a couple tours and I really thank you thank you so I don't want you to think business next story is me knocking planned paradin in any way but a few years ago right after my divorce when I was you know a little self-conscious because I hadn't been with anybody but my husband and I was like a little embarrassed and I was kind of worried I was up in the stirrups getting my oil checked there's nothing about Planned Parenthood that I think maybe the people who don't support Planned Parenthood realize if you're a woman who without insurance your vagina does not just go away does it it just it just stays there and it's kind of like gonna Nakia you know that shit's gonna break down it's gonna it's gonna fall apart on you at some point and you got to take your little kioku chin yeah it looked at my mechanic was being a real dick about that when I tried to get him to do both oil changes so I'm up in the stirrups you know I'm up in the stirrups I got it's a very vulnerable position and the doctor he was lovely she was digging around in there doing her thing and she like leaned back and said oh how many natural childbirth did you say you would have and I was like three and she was like huh which hurts enough but then she was like just the three huh okay there's no need to be verbally abusive here and I tell you I have kegels every day since that day I have never stopped Keeling's and I'm feeling right now you can tell because my eyebrows go up and down I can't do it without the eyebrows ladies should we just do a set together let's just do a set together shall we let's just you know what a countess down five four three you're not Kegel and Kegel one that feels better I feel good right Eagle all the time constantly I Kegel so much I feel like if I wanted to I could pick up this stage and walk out with it just pop a squat suction cup on there sorry about that I feel like Sam might let me keep it that point I'd like you want this back if you like nope that's yours now we'll build another one that one's very sticky sorry too far you're right - five here's a really fun are you guys having fun I feel like this has been a great um I just went to Atlanta I was in Atlanta and I got to bring my son with me and that was really special sometimes they're gonna take my kids with me when I tour and I love taking all my any of my kids I love taking them but it's especially fun when I get to take my autistic kid with me because he is a real treat and uh well he's got the age he's 13 now and he's at the age where I should be embarrassing him in public but I've never pulled that off it's always me it's always the opposite of that he's what he's wonderful my son is great um I don't know if you have an autistic person in your life you're lucky if you do there's such magical amazing people they're so fun he's high-functioning so what that means is he struggles uh with motor skills he struggled when he was a little the pencil tiny shoes that type of thing but he really struggles a lot with social situations to give you a good example we were at a movie one time and we were sitting and it was like a pin drop silent moment of this sold-out movie and everybody was edge of the seats and my son chose that exact moment to announce to a theater full of people [Music] what does that even mean I ain't over to and I like hey buddy you can't just yell something out like this isn't a trump rally you know you can't you can't just have an opinion on a minority hit the whole thing went acumen just take the whole thing I was like you're gonna have to talk about this when we get outside it's like now they do Asians look waterfalls and I'm gonna tell you why we were at Multnomah Falls and I saw three bus full of Asians get off and I counted 146 Asian people and they were all taking pictures and having a great time and then I counted 53 white people but they were not having fun and I was like I'm pretty sure that's racist but the math is there you know hey put together a spreadsheet what's present this dissertation I worried about that joke for a while cuz sometimes you can feel everybody's a little like especially I mean I know we're not sure we're not sure if that's racist [Laughter] we're so polite and here in Boise everybody so nice everybody's like oh yes dear so I had a half Korean opener for a while I was coming around the country with me and I so I passed it by her and I was like hey I just want to run this joke by you and make sure you know it's it's okay and I told it to her and she was like oh actually no that's not racist because we [ __ ] love waterfall oh that's not too like a water feature come on shut up I was like I don't prefer you know my people like pumpkin spice lattes and that's pretty much [ __ ] he's super fun he's really really smart um he you know hit like I said he has a lot of other struggles but he could actually speak in full sentences when he was like a year old which if you don't have kids is very young it's a little like if your dog came over to you one day it was like I don't prefer cream of wheat mother [Music] yikes you're a spooky baby aren't you Gary you got eight teeth when he was a month old so it's just this little ball of baby with all these teeth who didn't sleep in would lay next to me like [Applause] I like robots okay I saw this episode of the x-files it doesn't end well for me he's so smart he got 100% on the math and science section of the Idaho standardized testing which is pretty cool yeah thank you cool usually the whole crowd applause for that but this girl hates disabled kids it's right here just what's fine that's fine it's fine I just double down on that I can get you a cabinet position now you just just go ahead and be like you're in charge of education now there you go [Applause] actually when I tell that joke a lot of times the crap just gets really quiet and I can feel that they're thinking I don't know how hard is that test regular guard Texas hard okay he did he gotta have two percent on that I was pretty impressed um to be fair he did also [ __ ] his pants during that test so I'm not telling you this story and I don't want you to feel bad for him I talked to him about it beforehand I was like hey I want to put this in my special are you are you okay would it make you feel embarrassed when he was like no and I was like thank you on today there are some real perks real perks and he was like but it's a really good story so if you want to use it you have to pay me 100 bucks so I paid $100 for this joke and it is worth every goddamn penny so I got a call from my son's teacher the day of the testing and by the way if your ask us that this special ed teacher I appreciate you so much I want you to know I know you don't get paid a lot and I know that you have to clean [ __ ] up off the wall sometimes but I love you and I appreciate you and you can come to anything of mine for free and you can have free honey and I love you yeah thanks for special ed teachers there are thanks absolute thing really to be the most amazing work I got a call from his teacher who's been so good to him for so many years and he was like hey she thought I'd let you know your son had a little accident during the testing today he seems fine with it of course it has but some of the other kids were teasing him you know maybe when he gets home talk to him about what happened so when my son came home a Mike a bud I heard you had a little problem during the Condor in class today you want to talk about what happened my son was like oh yeah that yeah I [ __ ] my pants he's like yeah for like why do you want to provide maybe a little more detail on what went down and he was like oh sure yeah okay you know I think the situation was that I did trust a fart when I should not have sure yeah those look squeak away from here right very quiet on that like you've never [ __ ] your parents and I don't appreciate that at all everybody in the world has [ __ ] their pants you know this is a very divided time in our country's history and the one thing that we have to unite us as a people as Americans is that we've all [ __ ] our pants at some point and I want to have this section taking that away from America because oh I'm sorry no you guys just have excellent sphincter control like it was just never it's never happened everybody [ __ ] their pants and some people have [ __ ] a white sundress on a first date is a thing this happened some people so my son I was like well what did you do how did you handle it my son was like oh oh you know well I just went up to the teacher and I was like two things number one I'm gonna need another pencil remember to like [ __ ] my pants equally important things these two things and the teacher who again is so kind and loving it was like you know just don't let anybody know so my son goes to the bathroom he throws his underwear away he commands up he's a real trooper so I was like well if you handled it so if efficiently and quietly like how did anybody know to even tease you and he was like oh that well when I got outside the bathroom one of the kids from my class I was sitting there crying because he was worried that he had failed that test so I went over to him I was like hey man at least you [ __ ] your pants is so beautiful right autistic people can struggle with like empathy and compassion and I mean who among us doesn't that's like the the big thing right but I just thought it was so beautiful that my autistic son would take a moment and comfort this poor idiot kid you know just take a moment for the less fortunate [Laughter] but then that kid that [ __ ] kid he told all the kids in my son's class that my son had had an accident and he gave him the nickname [ __ ] shorts oh yeah which is rough that's hard we all remember junior high remember how you know having a rough time but I feel like there's enough of a comedian in me that I was like well I kind of respect that professional [ __ ] shorts like that's some pretty solid 1980s bullying right there I don't see that kind of dedication to the craft from kids and more as my point like [ __ ] shorts not everybody's on board but we're all gonna say it together just to have a feel for it so that's one two three [ __ ] shorts it felt pretty good didn't it should we go push the stuff into greater and let's do after the things and I'm like that's probably gonna stick with you I had a very dumb nickname as a teenager also you should just lean into that you know just your [ __ ] shorts now be [ __ ] shorts own it take it make it yours and then in college you can be like you know just but I tried to tell you know sometimes with autistic kids it's hard to tell he's so stoic can be a little more on tone I couldn't tell if he was upset so I was like hey just to check in like are you okay about the [ __ ] shorts thing your feelings hurt my sounds like oh no I'll be [ __ ] shorts I [ __ ] nailed that yes [Applause] I've been uh guys have a boyfriend no big deal uh I have a boyfriend the we're not married and here's why because after he asked me to marry him a few months later when I was thinking about it I sent him a naked picture very sexy and he texted back immediately did you pay your parking ticket no I didn't and I told him I'm I'm gonna tell people that for the rest of our lives that's that joke is gonna be in my routine for a thousand years I'm gonna get genetic surgery to live forever so that I can tell that joke and never stop that like Nigel and he was like that's not funny nobody's gonna think that's funny but I said did you pay your parking ticket in response to an Inca picture and he's here right now so I just want to take a quick poll [Laughter] quick informal just a quick informal poll you know nothing scientific but you know out of applause I think that's really funny that's good to know he's actually that that comments aside he's actually really wonderful dude when we first started dating I was very intimidated by him cuz I had only dated trash before that I have a type and it is big and mean unfortunately but no we started dating and I was a little intimidated by him because he he's very smart he has his doctorate in physics I was inspired from the chakram of the face so those things are different he comes from a really good family when I met his family like I was immediately in love with them they're like the nicest classiest people I come from the kind of family like I was born in salmon nobody ever plots for that don't don't uh-huh I come from the kind of family where my my aunt and my grandma one time got into a fistfight at a demolition derby over nachos Matt [ __ ] lasted for two years they didn't speak for two years over the nacho incidents okay so I was very intimidated by him we'd go out on dates and the whole time I'd be like get in your lab so he thinks you're people we can have away so nervous the whole time and the first time we ever had sex which was on our third date let's say that it's not super sooner than that I liked him the first time we ever had sex we had that problem that if you're single parent can have which is I had kids at my house you had kids at his house so we did the thing that you do when you're a single parent as we went and we [ __ ] in his sister's backyard [Laughter] [Applause] she was out of town and she has very comfortable patio furniture it turns out so I'm so sorry if she ever sees this we that was not a one-time thing we you really got your money's worth on those cushions just so you know and I haven't I haven't had sex with very many people you know what since I've been married and uh so I was nervous and I was uh you know we talked about you know the Planned Parenthood legislation here and so I was nervous about how I felt and how I looked and we got you know naked and we were on it we were outside it was a summer day and you know it was a night it was a summer night evening you know was evening okay it was dark and we started making love and it was great it was really good it was beautiful and I was sort of just overwhelmed by the moment because it's like you know it's just this beautiful amazing evening and I was I liked him so much and I was like I'm gonna tell him that I love him which now we know is too soon that's too soon but I liked him so much and I right as the words were about to come out of my mouth I was sort of saved at that moment by thinking about seeing something done by him he pulled back and he was like I have to tell you something and I was like oh no because the worst time for someone to tell you a thing is when their body is inside your body that's very bad timing and I immediately I'm the first thing that came to my mind the very first thing was I was like oh he thinks my boobs are too small it's a very first thing that came to my mind and everybody go ahead everybody's looking at my boobs now you feel it and I need you guys know something um this is a bra magic up here like I thought I would do an honest comedy special and like those are good they're not real boobs these are either well ficky boobs that they make you wear if you want to be famous now they pretend you have tits a third and I'm like I can't even do that you know what else I know somebody can have enough of the show they smell like my boobs with I know I was very self-conscious because I was wearing a push-up bra and up until then he had seen you know this action and I was worried that when I had taken off he was gonna be like [ __ ] is this [ __ ] you're lying to me already we've been on two dates and you're already already lying huh but also I was very self-conscious because I had always my whole life been very self-conscious of having small boobs because my sisters who are beautiful and amazing people all had double D boobs and I instead of getting tits when I was 13 got cystic acne which is why I'm funny that was the only way to get any attention was just like you can laugh at me I'm not so really good at [ __ ] good it's the other thing if you ever get an offer from a girl who has cystic acne for a blow J you [ __ ] take that [ __ ] we are givers we would give to the moon so we're laying there in humans I mean it's like I got tell you something I'm like it's my tits and he was like oh it's just it's hard to tell you this but I feel like I feel like I have to I have to say it and I was like oh my god it's not the outside of me it's the inside and I don't meet my soul because who cares like there's a time and a place to worry about whether someone likes your personality while your [ __ ] is not one of those times I was like maybe he's in there and it's so loose maybe my beaver is so big that he's just in there like wow oh wow this is a real Harry Potter tent situation it is a lot bigger on the inside [Laughter] listen you're a real nice girl I've enjoyed our time together but if I can find my way out I am gonna go ever gonna leave I don't we're done and so I was laying there like and I was like I'm sorry if I feel big and he was like you feel amazing it's amazing said your pussy's magic he didn't say that but it is and he was like no I this has been a this has been great and I really like you but I have to tell you that I lost gum in your hair like five minutes ago and it is really working its way up we should probably stop so you shouldn't cut that [ __ ] out and we can keep dying I was like oh for sure this dumb [ __ ] me he actually he's given me the best gift I could have ever asked for and that is daughters I love having girls I have three boys of my own and now I get to have two stepdaughters and I really just love love that I love the kind of feminine energy that brings to a house and I'm not you like I'm not saying there's I feel Oh boys and girls are so different but I'll tell you that our boys and our girls are so different like when I had three boys I don't know if you had like if you have one boy it's a boy two boys two boys three boys pack of feral dogs that's what you have the hairs you just have this mess of farting and poking and punching all the time and then I go over to his house and his daughters be like do you want to sew something with us and I'd like there's they're so great also the puberty talk like it with my sons I had always expected that I would be really you know when it came time for the puberty talk in a sex talk that I would be super groovy and very cool about it and then you know when it finally came time and my my teenager was coming to me and being like I got I've got some questions and I was like sure you know listen your body and hair you know and that your penis or probably you know and then right I'm here and that's a mess and you're gonna wanna that's fine that's totally healthy and I encourage it and porn what to tell you about porn because like it's maybe it's objectifying maybe it's my hospital so it's the best it's so great mommy struggles with it too so I don't know I don't know my son was like I'm gonna stop you right there I can already open an incognito tab I don't need anything else okay that's not really what I was worried about but when my stepdaughter when she turned 11 she came to me and she said I really want to take the puberty class that they're offering through school because you know I know doesn't not first excited everybody's gonna like I wish we had taken in supply and Parenthood one but we she actually had to sign up for this other thing and I was like I'd love to take you and she was like okay it's a hundred and twenty five dollars a person and I was like I'll just tell you everything you need to know about your body you're 11 okay well it's about to betray you it's also weakens booth and now it's gonna do a bunch of stuff so but she wanted to go this class so I was like I'd love to take you will bond it'll be kind of her mom passed away a few years ago so I'm kind of it it was really honored that she want to do this mom thing with me so I took her and the beginning of the class I was a little bothered by because it was probably about 50 11 and 12 year old girls and the teacher spent the first hour of the class teaching these young women about hair removal and how to pick up her diva off yeah she talking about Nair like I didn't even know Nair was still a thing I was like is this 1972 the next is the next hour all I'm douching gonna really get into it like sweetie sometimes your vagina is gonna smell linked to vagina and that's gross I can smell like strawberries of course cool ocean breeze that's another option you're gonna have for your busy is not so she spent a lot of time on waxing and shaving in with all these girls and we like what's what's happening you're really good we're trained well sweetie you're 11 now better get you in the game I want you to gross out some dude with some leg hair no let's get you ready to fall no eyes no I didn't make the rules guys I'm telling you it was offensive so I was really bothered and then we broke for like a snack and we came back and I realized that the whole first part of the class was just sort of ease these young women into the idea of their bodies because in the beginning of the class when she was explaining explaining bras she showed a picture of a breast and she was like here's a normal natural woman's blessed and right here you have your breast tissue and here you have her areola and one little girl in the backyard and I was like oh that is for sure not the disgusting thing about the lazy body a cute long nipple like we haven't even gotten to vaginal discharge yet that nipple doesn't even have hair yet there's no there should be a second class that you get to take when you're like 35 where they're like well congrats on growing a beard I don't want to brag to you but I can grow such a [ __ ] great beard so so good it's so full and I just feel like if the world could just know which could just understand how smooth I am on the inside walk around like sasquatch all the time no no but I realize that's like oh she's kind of like she's easing these girls into womanhood and like all the facts about it and for the second half of the class she brought out to teach it a vagina hand puppet not just the vagina the full female reproductive system like it went all the way up to her shoulder this thing was huge which is not a judgement we're all built different you know everybody's the Janet puppet is their own and beautiful fine some people have deep canals you know and she taught the whole second head of the class with this puppet and uh it was amazing actually I learned just so much about my body it was incredible um and I'm just gonna go ahead there are some blank faces here so I'm just gonna go ahead and teach the class uh uh just a little bit of it she just used the puppet and she's like okay you know I'm here are your labia majora minora here's your full one you know you go inside okay riveted here's your vaginal here's your clitoris your vaginal canal here's your cervix coming up here here's your uterus and thank you and I I learned this fact that has really stuck with me do you guys know what the strongest muscle in the human body is again hearing a lot of things but the correct answer is the humerus yeah it's your uterus do you know what's not the strongest muscle in the human body and this is the puppet guys this is what the puppet taught us the penis according to the puppet the penis is not a muscle at all but a stupid blood tube you use for finding people whose lives you want to ruin just the blood sock waggles around it's great actually was really cool the only problem I had with it was I felt like there was one thing that the teacher glossed over very quickly and I'm she was like here's your clitoris moving on I was like clitoris enthusiast I would do like a two-week intensive on that just kind of popping off like oh that's not why don't we teaching girls listen yeah they're gonna bleed and whatever and they're if you have to but this little [ __ ] thing [Laughter] and this little [ __ ] thing is what always happen in tyre then you think it's gonna be right good you guys are poking our urethra I have had a lifetime of dumb men poking my urethra and I'm done with it I am stop [ __ ] urethras stop poking our refroze but I'm running I'm running for president and that's my whole platform is that you guys are gonna find the clitoris this is a man I joke with the BSA did you know that the clitoris is shaped like this it's not just the stupid little like look thing you're touching biz you like I said I teach it to week intensive time I just I know for that and so it was so it was so great and my daughter had such a good time and I'll be honest with you I forgot the end of it yeah I did so we'll pretend the clitoris thing was the punchline and if it comes back to me we'll pause and we'll do it like there was no stop there it happens it happens I got six kids I'm just one [ __ ] person up here guys it's so nice to be back in Boise it's so nice to be home I've been on the road a lot lately and when I was in New York I did a little radio and while I was on the radio I said some things about trunk and well before I even got done with radio the producer named over me was like maybe ever again and I was like I mean I get harassed online a lot I'm I don't have I have a very thick skin which I shouldn't have to but I still do you're gonna be a walking callus when you have communion of a woman in comedian but I started checking my Twitter and then my notifications there were a bunch of threads from dudes a lot of rape threats a lot of murder threats and FETs they're gonna kill my kids raped my kids before killing my kids but mixed in with those was a lot of men who had tweeted pictures of their flaccid penises to me which leads me to believe that maybe men don't realize how not intimidating your flaccid penis is like a rape site sure you know but your flaccid penis and like what you said about the present you know it was like no one's ever been scared of a flaccid penis like when you see a flaccid penis man or female I feel like your reaction is like it's like a like a dead mouse like no thank you like the pretty even the prettiest ones you just want to like rub on your cheek like an erection you know send me your erection if you're gonna around like that's a power behind it like an erection you know we get the courts you know like your flaccid penis is just this reminder to a woman that you're like alright cuz you're walking around with your fragile bits on the outside all the [ __ ] time I check and that's gonna be real scary she's always walking around no one like but you should be in charge you know you should cuz that makes sense I know I want you to feel like I'm hating on penises I actually loved penises I think they're really fantastic and okay some people are like getting dick dicks I really like getting dick pics as long as I know the person and have requested them I'm not as crazy about the leg citation dick pic you're gonna send a dick pic here's a quick little like wait way to know when it's time to send a dick pic you I be this little song for you so you remember the order to send your dick in it goes head shoulders knees and then your penis if she asked to see it don't spring down on people you know so they're great they're very pretty I enjoy a penis um I don't like balls I'm gonna be real with you but nobody likes balls nobody's nobody's into balls it's the one thing literally the one thing we don't masturbate to humans I mean did you know there's a fetish where people get they masturbate to people getting scared by popping balloons that's a real fetish that someone can't come unless it sees a popping balloon and something new like ah and then they can come that's a real fetish but nobody masturbates to balls how's that feel bad right does that feel bad knowing you have a piece of squash eNOS on your Anatomy that nobody masturbates I thought you guys are so man walking around all the time just remembering how ugly your balls alright I think that's gotta be rough just you know cuz like they're I don't know if you've ever looked through like on youporn like you can look through the keywords people search and I like to look through that and I mean there's no balls nobody's ever searching balls nobody's ever been like I I'm so morning I just gotta find a really good really nice like hot obvious day at the Idaho fair cargo shorts walking for the last two hours stuck to the thigh red out looking like a boiled egg and a coffee filter I just kept trying just got to find that then I can come I think Lee buckles are and people will look for those a lot people love buckles America loves those holes is the other thing am i right on we do you guys are very sweet are you guys married no good for you keeping it spicy keeping it spicy yeah me neither no I've been dating this guy for a while and you know we've reached that point we've been together for a few years where you got to start keeping things yeah well interesting you get kind of you get into a rut sometimes and I've gone a lot and so recently I was like hey what would you think if we tried a little bit of phone sex my boy I was like I don't want to have phone sex with you because if I say something stupid you're gonna talk about on stage that is true sure and he knows that because one time I used to have a joke about how I'm 37 and I have major baby fever like it hit me hard when I turned 36 last year and even though we have six kids I want a baby all the time I want a baby so bad and the only way if you finally talked me out of having a baby was he was like well I forget one of those church fans and I was like never mind you that's a commitment I got minivan is one thing but the church fan man just step up into nuts is what that is but he has a vasectomy anyway so it's like we can we can kind of talk about it you know I don't know if you know this but like making a baby sex is really good sex it's sexy sex and so one time when we were [ __ ] I was like put a baby in me just for dirty talk for funsies the case for Frenzy's because the other vasectomy so it's a safe thing to just plunge right into you know and I was like putting a baby in me and he stopped and was like I don't want to have a child with you it nothing you know I just don't feel like it's a good idea and we're both a little older and your eggs have probably gotten to an age where we'd have a Down Syndrome child also your family has a history of schizophrenia and alcohol is that I'm not talked about I'll be honest just [ __ ] me so you know I did talk about hitman he was like I'm not good at dirty talk I'm not I don't like it I'm not good at it he's like you'll make fun of me and I was like how about this how about let's just try it and no matter what happens no matter what you say we'll keep going we'll keep it it'll be it'll be sexy no matter what I promise I'll just keep moving so he's like okay yeah all right let's try it he's like okay okay yeah all right I come to your hotel room and my pants are on that's great that's a good start I'm glad you didn't ride up in this scenario in the elevator with your dick out that would have distracted me probably like I come to you around and I take my pants off and I was feeling a little daunted so I tell you to get on your knees okay solid start he's like I tell you to go ahead and blow me okay he's like yeah if I take my dick and I will rub it all over your face [Laughter] do you my face you know I think you just really really finger-painting with her but I said I wouldn't make fun I said I wouldn't stop so I was like yeah you're really getting in there it's all over my face and I like that I'm very aroused by that he's like yeah and then I take my pocket I see on the cheek with it hey why do you do that i-it's not a rhetorical question I want an answer her why are you boys always smacking the cheek with your [ __ ] like where did that where did that come from it didn't like it every porn and like I'm down for just about anything but I mean it's not that I'm like oh I don't want you to do that I just like I don't know what you want from me in that moment like am I supposed to hate it no baby no the bruising [Laughter] I'll be off solids for a week what am I supposed to love it and I suppose like yeah oh my God thank you it's really exfoliating you know just I don't know but I hate it but I was like yay you're smacking you're really smacking the cheeks with it and I'm taking it like a champ or maybe not but he was really into it I could tell it was turning tomorrow's like yeah I take my put it in your mouth okay and then I take it out and I I knew I said I wasn't gonna stop you but no no you don't I can't I can't be taking a [ __ ] in the yard I wear contact lenses you know my optometrist has been very clear that my [ __ ] I is are over those are behind me those are times for a younger woman is that something you want to try like I'm like what's going on you're like let me just go [ __ ] you jeez I was like I gonna have to tell you I think that's a hard no for me that's I said I'd be down for anything he was like no I didn't mean it I'm like this is why I don't want to do this so that nobody said something dumb and I knew you make fun of me and I said no no no no let's start over let's start over let's keep it going he's like fine let's do a little roleplay come of this I've been a bad girl and he's like okay fine you've been a bad girl and I'm gonna give you a spanking okay he's like so I go up to the kitchen [Laughter] maybe just keep this then yeah I go up to the kitchen give him such a bad girl I open the utensil drawer and I pull out one of those what are they I had to take out one of the okay I pull out you know they have a that's gonna handle you can scrape okay I just wanted to see where those bankers were sitting right there spatula is correct one time in Texas a woman yelled out only to be talked later by a guy who yelled up open rack okay okay I am not judging your sex life with that is some intense [ __ ] see what I'm saying like somebody wants to get beaten with an oven rack but does not masturbate to balls like that's what I'm saying guys things got pretty pretty heated pretty sexy were able to finally kind of find a rhythm and I'm not gonna tell you everything uh-huh we think we kind of got enjoy what we're going and he got close and he was like I think I'm gonna [ __ ] I was like yeah you are you're so sexy look at you you're sexy he's like I think I'm almost there I think I'm gonna I'm gonna come your hair you better not you better not not even in role-playing [ __ ] I just [ __ ] dry shampoo nobody's coming in [ __ ] my eyes [ __ ] my eyes you have to I'm not coming in my hair we're gonna Hannibal if you've ever come in a girl's hair you get the [ __ ] out of here right now I don't want those kind of fans I don't want those people monster I [Applause] want to end on this we're talking out my son earlier and you know it can be a very challenging thing to have a special-needs kid and my son my son is high-functioning so if you have a kid who has even more challenges I I just want to hook you up to the show and tell you that you're so brave and so patient and so amazing but it can be really challenging and when my son was little I used to worry about him a lot and I used to be very scared for him because there's a bit of a mourning process you go through when your child is first diagnosed with autism and you kind of have to learn to love the child that you have and let go of this ideal like idea of the child that you thought you wanted which if you don't have kids is true whether your child is special needs or not because they are all comes oh they are when you're pregnant you have all these ideas that you're gonna you guys are gonna you know you're gonna learn to wait I was gonna say I'm gonna try three gigs less they've learned to read together like pregnant which is not far off guys salmon salmon again [Laughter] so when you're pregnant you have all these big ideas you know that you're gonna you're gonna read them toast oi and gonna take them to the park and instead they puke in her bra take a [ __ ] in your couch and hide it you know and you love them anyway and you just think they're amazing and I was true with my son and I used to worry though I used to worry like what will happen to him when he moves out of my house you know like when he grows up and he's out in the world like who will take care of my brilliant wonderful little weirdo out there and something happened and I thought I'd share it with you because I feel like it's a pretty uplifting story a few years ago when my son was younger he was up in the shower and I was down in the kitchen and he came downstairs very excited dripping wet no towel just fully nude comes in and is like a program just totally naked and if he was telling me these brilliant ideas I realized in that moment that my son has the biggest dick I've ever seen in my life and I don't want you to get worried like oh maybe Emma hasn't seen a bunch of big dicks like hashtag Plus like the kids are saying I know my business and this thing was a real monster and it looks shocking on a child's body it was a glance er like you came in and I was like oh Jesus Christ okay Wow uh you know maybe let's here's a tea towel maybe hang that lengthwise don't you run upstairs try not to trip on that and as my son was going up the stairs I I realized that he's going to be just fine somebody's gonna take care of him you know we nasca at that fog my son is living the dream it's not a better there's not sorry there's not a person in this room who's gonna have a better life than my big dick autistic so how it is now what is guys you know sometimes that's a really it's really special to me to get to talk about my son and that's why my the name of my album is shut up Calvin I let him name it there you go but it's really special to get to talk about my son because a lot of times the parents of autistic kids or special need kid needs kids will come up to me I prepare shows and be like oh my god my son is also you know autistic and my daughter and or sometimes special ed teachers will come and be like oh my god I'm so great to hear like the story of what we deal with and that's really special to me but even more special than that is how often autistic men come up to me after shows and say I also have a huge penis it's a real monster would you like to see it you know what boy see I always would I always would thank you guys so much [Applause] [Applause] thank you so lovely then I'm gonna do some quick thank-yous and then we're gonna have a dance party and cake I thank you guys so much for being a part of this taping it means the world to me that you were here and I cried that you were here and that you were part of this and this was so fun and you were so wonderful surround the pause for yourselves find me Santa golden bucket both wait we're going to be some money to do this first Dylan highs problem you put so much of this together Cody getting to is our director and all of the crew so thank you so so much and thank you Boise beautiful people in the world and I love you [Applause] [Music] [Applause]

Channel: Emma Arnold

Views: 506,313

Rating: 4.5359669 out of 5

Keywords: comedy, stand-up

Id: qk5ybtN9n3o

Length: 67min 23sec (4043 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 27 2018