Nate Craig: Preferred Customer (Full Standup Special)

if you're here tonight thank you for coming if you are not here tonight welcome it is of course okay that you couldn't make it and we've been thinking about you between the time this was recorded and now several times and then exponentially more after the recording wherever you are starting now here but well before now there know that you have been in our thoughts often this is something we only expect from those close family members and long-lost friends but here we are a room full of strangers thinking about you on your train to work in New York your coat matches your shoes nice in Sweden riding your bicycle to the fish market your cheeks flush with color it's cold out there I wish I spoke Swedish so I could tell you something nice in Texas on your way to the barbecue restaurant the one that sells cigarettes and makes fresh lemonade we love that noise I wish I spoke Texas so I could tell you something racist you may have found us by chance or may have been looking for us in either case we have thought about you specifically you once says stand up is for crippled narcissists fine you once said stand up is the only true art correct maybe not the only true art some say it's vegan pastries some say it's the apology email some say it's the rolling stop some say that the only true art is forcing the one thing that you know about a topic into a conversation about that topic regardless of whether or not it is constructive but all of you are correct and no sign language is not universal that couldn't be further from the truth not only are they all different oftentimes countries have different sign languages you would have been closer to the truth if you had said all verbal languages are the same why would you say that it was very wrong and you said it way too quickly thank you for making me look that up you're the crippled narcissist some of you are the same person from before it's understood that you have only now began to think of us we're not worried about any inequity in this relationship or happy to be thinking about you and how you're here thinking about us it was the earliest you could have reasonably been expected to do so all is forgiven and thank you for thinking of us several times and then exponentially more after this recording all right guys let's do this [Music] thank you guys man happier what an honor thank you for being here I couldn't I couldn't imagine a better night I'm just glad there wasn't a mass shooting today that's all I really care about guys my name is nate I'm a good person I just want to start off by saying that you can't tell these days ladies I mean it's your world okay I'm on board I'm all caught up on Handmaid's Tale I sit down to pee now no I've sat down to pee for a while smartphones ever since I've pretty much been a hard feminist ever since I got my Galaxy s8 you got to be productive fellas be productive if you're not sitting down to pee I don't know what the hell you're doing with your time it's a woman's economy stay competitive what are you doing up there you're pissing on your shoes that's what you're doing you're up here pissing on your shoes the rest of us are down here running several small businesses for one fortune 500 company I'm doing most of my work on the toilet at this point no ladies hopefully men are taking this opportunity to correct their behavior I you know I I hated Pepe LePew I always hated Pepe LePew I I didn't understand it it caused me anxiety as a young boy I was confused I didn't know why this rape squirrel was what is this who is this squirrel who rapes and why is that what we have to do to enjoy our favorite time of the week the squirrel who rapes I know I know it was a skunk but I was focused on the rape really I was I didn't have time to parse the small mammals there was a full-on rape going on that's just as strange it was strange it taught me that you know men could be animals because somebody had to somebody did Pepe LePew somebody made that that's an odd legacy for an artist it's a very strange way to handle your sexual deviance ease you know illustrate them and show them to children no I mean I'm a good I'm a good person I've always been a good person I don't identify with jerking off in front of someone I didn't know that was a thing I've never tried it if I had I'd still be doing it I wouldn't have been able to finish but still be just yanking away like a lawnmower just I I know I look like a performer but I'm a little bit camera shy you know I don't understand how you could just make somebody responsible for your deviancy is like that never done anything like that you know low-level [ __ ] boys [ __ ] you know I hit on my chiropractors receptionist that was a low point don't do that what are you doing buddy you're not here to get shows you're here to get looked at you know maybe maybe take the day off stallion hey what do you do when you're not here at the office oh well I take classes at UCLA I like to make my own jewelry what do you do when you're not paying a medicine man to sort through your crumbling infrastructure well I like to iron my money I like to charge my bluetooths I like to keep my Bluetooth charged like to keep my Bluetooth fully charged I'm an established elder statesman with lots of business to attend to buy a bluetooth and I will tell anybody that'll listen what it was like to write directions down on paper you remember that of course you don't Oh get out of here that's not the exit I'm back get it no pretty sure I could vote when you were born I'll see you later you did used to have the right directions down on paper that's two for the full two generations that have no idea what I'm talking about when I say that now first of all you were tethered to a wall and you had to wait for the person at the place where you were calling to get back to their wall then they had to answer the phone without even knowing who was calling them yeah you may have to hear in someone's voice that they regretted answering the telephone [Applause] that's a part of socialization that has just gone away and then if you could get their address from them before they thought of a reason not to give it to you then you wrote it down on paper and you went and got marijuana I tried to explain this to a 24 year old recently she looked at me like I told her I fought in the Korean War wait what how did you send text message how did you get text messages you couldn't do it only the president could send and receive text messages on a cell phone the size of a refrigerator from the basement of the Pentagon nobody got engaged that's goddamn right met my fiancé at a yoga studio outside of yoga I followed her out of yoga and she she saved me from being the kind of person that would follow a woman out of yoga real quick what'd you just say to me get over here do you do this all the time don't answer that yes I'll marry you no I highly recommend it fellas get your get get yourself an alibi that's what I say a lot of accusations flying around out there fellas you get yourself a character witness and you do what they say and find somebody you like what they like and or you just find somebody likes what they like enough to not give a [ __ ] whether or not you like what they like you you do what they say and then maybe they'll testify on your behalf in a court of law Nate when Rich hid the woman's March oh well my gal works real hard so she wanted to sleep in and then she put her feet my mouth how about that I hosted the woman's March I hosted one woman's March how about that think globally act locally that's what she tells me as she jams her foot in my mouth is that too much for the album we can cut we can cut anything out we can cut anything out [Applause] no you know who I really feel for Melania Trump I feel the most for Melania Trump because she's clearly a spy she's the most spy looking spy that I've ever seen please that is the most lizard looking I spy with my little eye the First Lady of the United States of America is a [ __ ] spy that is his spy and she is sad because she can't do her job she was trained to [ __ ] in 20 languages or whatever she was trained to do and it's just she's just the most bondo and looking Bond villain I've ever seen if they were auditioning for a bond donat Melania Trump walked in they'd be like it's too much it's too much we're sorry thank you Melania thank you very much little on the nose thank you we are going for subtlety and good luck you're doing great work but not on this project and she just you've seen her she just stands behind him she's just like oh please Vladimir just let me use my knives please why did you raise me in laboratory an active volcano if I can't use my knives Oh Melania you've got to let Donald MacDonald it please it's Americas enjoy ourselves just be poison one step child I will just poison one step child I'm so good at poisoning stepchildren please I will clip brake cables on Air Force One in parachutes two safeties in Bahamas please I've been in LA for ten years now I like it I like it a lot la is at least perfect it makes perfect sense to me at this point sure plastic surgery is an ethnicity but it just don't New York if New York was in Hawaii and that's you know it's disorienting cuz you're like why are you acting like that you know it's like man we act oh you've been in traffic for four hours for the last 30 years okay I get it every day for the last 30 years okay that makes sense there is uh there is a lot of plastic surgery in my neighborhood there's a lot of plastic surgery and I just I feel bad for plastic surgeons could you never see the victories [Applause] you always see the losses I mean you never miss it when somebody looks like an armadillo with a human mouth you know but nobody ever shouts out their plastic surgeon you know people love their dry cleaner in LA every dry cleaner I go to there's headshots all over LA why do you think that your dry cleaner gives a [ __ ] about your career it's so strange I've been in dozens of dry cleaners in LA I've never recognized a single headshot if you are dropping off your own dry cleaning your dry cleaner doesn't want your headshots okay you booked one but light commercial the victory parade starts as your dry cleaners they've never seen your Bud Light comer seen the TV in the back it's either Telemundo or the Korean Channel that I don't know I've never seen that that channel outside of a dry cleaner I like my neighborhood I do I live in I live next to a Yacht Club I live next to a Yacht Club and a rent-controlled apartment because I like to eat rich people on their toes I like to make eye contact while I hang my laundry from my patio furniture no I live next to a yacht club because gentrification is a problem so I'm not afraid to live in a neighborhood that is nice and has always been nice I don't need my neighborhood to have been taken from generations of Latino families or in this neighborhoods case taken from generations of Korean families who took it from generations of Latino families this is too close to home for some of you or should I say too close to someone else's home sure what I like for my yoga studio to have been a food pantry of course I would would I like to go to a chocolatier that used to help single mothers do their taxes obviously I would like that but some of us have to diversify Marina del Rey California it's a nice neighborhood I could jump in some neighborhoods any neighborhood with graffiti on the trees by the trees willing to bet that your target audience does not read trees any neighborhood with a Boost Mobile store I feel like 12 liquor stores can't hurt a community like 1 Boost Mobile Starbucks why are we letting boost to do this to our communities far as I could tell Boost Mobile only works at bus stops on speakerphone it's no way to communicate I stay in my car so they don't get sucked into a conversation that was not meant for me anybody here like to put your phone on speaker in public yeah any other full-blown Psychopaths in all right who do you think you are who the [ __ ] do you think you are that you're gonna make us listen to the whole thing you're gonna make us listen to both sides of this [ __ ] how far up your own ass do you get cell phone reception this you're gonna make us listen to both sides of this [ __ ] don't get me wrong I like technology it's a good sign I like technology I'm not that good with it I don't want to brag about being stupid but I might have voted for Donald Trump if he'd had told me that I would never have to download Adobe Flash Player ever again [Applause] please make it stop I can't be the only one having this much trouble with Adobe Flash Player I'm pretty sure last week Adobe Flash Player told me I needed Adobe Flash Player to use Adobe Flash Player things make it stop but he did not promise that so he's a racist psychopath again I love doing this bad joke for Millennials they're just like you just going to preferences you could shut the [ __ ] up shut the [ __ ] up just give me another Flash Player somebody somebody invent a new Flash Player I'd be better invention than most of the stuff on the market not in favor of self-driving cars I think that's a bad idea first of all nobody in this room has ever felt confident sitting down on a toilet with a sensor on it never one time yeah because he knew you were gonna get the fire hose you knew you were gonna get public toilet water inside your body and it doesn't leave you you don't come back from that I got toilet water from the Milwaukee Airport from six years ago inside me right now but that's what we're doing with our inventions we're putting toilet water inside each other I don't know I think we are we don't we can no longer tell the difference between an invention and an idea used to be easier you know here's a question which came first the hose or the straw I didn't know either but I was pretty sure I could invent the second one same thing just smaller and backwards I looked it up it was the hose the hose was patented in 1668 the straw wasn't patented until 1885 which means dead for over 200 years people walked around like [ __ ] drinking their gin tonics through a goddamn garden hose because they lived in a magical time when when there was no difference between ideas and inventions anything could happen back then you know and people had shame and humility and they didn't think that they could run up and patent a short straight backwards hose for their gin and tonics before sliced bread that's when that was magical time they always talk about since sliced bread they won't shut the [ __ ] up about everything that happens since sliced bread but can you imagine what it was like living in a time when portioning a loaf of bread made you a force for change in the world oh my god what else was still available you know it's a magical time since sliced bread nothing nothing worth a [ __ ] the twist I find the twist hi you need the twist die otherwise your sliced bread is all over the floor a couple things what whiteout oh good you figured out that someone again want to paint and half ounce bottles who's going to be profitable for your families now your grandson gets laid in Cancun three times a year Congrats on your patent but kindly go [ __ ] yourself a lot of supply-side inventions you know not anything that we need just some that somebody came up with and got somehow got into the market and that's what we're stuck with nothing no blankets with sleeves bottled water and [ __ ] supply-side inventions I don't know how some of those [ __ ] maybe didn't look me in my [ __ ] face and tell me that the market demanded self-driving toilets okay look me in my [ __ ] face and tell me that at a bowling alley you need self-driving toilets you can't even keep doors on the stalls I'll flush the toilet but I rented the shoes I'll flush the toilet and a bowling alley I got it every time I don't need spare me the public enema thank you but that's what we're doing we're putting toilet water in each other I don't know who's inventing this [ __ ] I know and I know exactly who invented the automatic toilet flushing system his name is John T Barrett patent number us four seven nine one seven nine I googled it in the bathroom stall with my pants around my ankles because I want him dead now on his family dead [Applause] you are putting toilet water inside me friends buddy you do not deserve your mansion I'm sorry I'm sorry that's just any mini [ __ ] with Wi-Fi can be [ __ ] Leonardo da Vinci no we already had self-driving cars to call trains trains that's what rains are that's what they're gonna walk this back to because these things the robots are gonna keep killing people and they're gonna have to keep they're gonna well what if we put them in a row on a track we'll put them on a track oh those trains okay those trains does anybody got the patent on trains yeah what about trains with sleeves [Applause] Leonardo da Vinci yeah see that back then anything was possible Leonardo DaVinci got credit for over 500 inventions most of them were just drawings in a notebook I think that's awesome I also think the word doodle hadn't been invented yet because that's not how [ __ ] works now the reason is he was that he was he lived an amazing life he was a military contractor and a member of a painters Union Wow that was life life does not exist anymore you either fly drone strikes or you like watercolors you either murder people with robots in the sky or you paint sailboats can't do both not anymore you want to murder people with robots in the sky the first thing they do is make you turn in your watercolors the military knows painters make shitty killers also if your painters are your killers there's not much left to fight for but can you imagine that getting credit for just just being in history for your your Trapper Keeper the patent troll that's what he invented the patent troll god forbid you made a prototype of a tang kind of iron and steel sorry leo da Vinci drew a picture of a rifle sticking out of a turtle shell so we're gonna go ahead and give him credit for the weapon that wins World War two once you take your non-functioning lawn mower back to the river peasant we still let one guy invent everything though Steve Jobs you know there's a perfect example good invention the iPhone changed society supply-side invention the iPhone screen because now all you iPhone people are trapped you have to go to the Apple store twice a year because it's the new DMV and you gotta get your screens fixed I've never seen an Android with a cracked screen I've never seen an iPhone that didn't look like it had been beaten with a sock full of nickels there people are viewing the world through the shattered windshield of a fatal car crash I could throw my phone out the window of a moving car bounce back into my hand mid-conversation there's nothing left to invent anymore doesn't left for [ __ ] to invent any more bait flavors you could invent vape flavors that's the it's the last thing or there's a healthy market out there for ruining everybody's favorite childhood candy flavor I used to vape before it was cool back when there was only one vape flavor the original vape flavor other people's to heat us it's the best it's the best and everybody loves it it's a hit other put there's nothing better than when somebody else's fajitas walk in the room oh I'll bake the [ __ ] out of your fajitas Oh God not cool they would say as I hovered over their fajitas you'll see I told them and I was right I was right so now we live in innovate based economy and all the kids are hooked every kid in America has got a car battery in their pocket that they pull out and feed into their neck and then make us sit in it look vape dorks can you just blow it over your shoulder I would be fine with vapes if you just smokers blow it over their shoulder you people trap us in your cotton candy basement it's disgusting ice I did I just taste your lungs what is why would you make that happen why would you make that area what it was the woods on the bottle because I taste butterscotch flood-damaged that's what I taste what's the how do they sell it to you well this year is called dentist office toothpaste everybody else around you tastes a scented candle and a drainage ditch to you it tastes like spearmint we makes love weedvibes weedvibes for the best smoke that window weed is actually still not legal in the entire country that's hilarious to me you can eat weed now you didn't used to be able to eat weed I can eat wheat again the dosage is right there it's beautiful used to be real real Russian Roulette eating weed back in the day yeah it was not advisable I would do it it was not advisable you didn't put one bullet and a revolver you put five bullets in the revolver and then maybe you didn't shoot yourself in the face because you put your hippie friend in charge of the wheat butter you might have a nice day in the park you might find out you were allergic to your own brain yeah yeah I have a demon allergy I found that out early on allergic to my demons and brownies with marijuana in them unlock the gates to hell eating weed was like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man candy strong enough to murder you with childhood memories I used to eat weed like Asians drink it didn't agree with me and you could see it on my face thank you for laughing at that that's a joke about asianglow if you don't know what asianglow is well then which one of us is being more racist right now it's cuz agents have a more common alcohol allergy you get Rosie in the cheeks because they're genetically more pure sorry Nazis they are they they didn't diversify like some ethnicities and that's the process through which humans build up a tolerance to poisons like alcohol so if you're good at drinking it's because you're a mudblood pig person we should probably get yourself a banjo [Applause] now everybody does something though eat wheat or CrossFit people like to do CrossFit CrossFit's like if a panic attack was a lifestyle it's community service without the community I don't do CrossFit I just helped my friends move that's really what CrossFit is do you like helping your friends move but don't have any friends CrossFit I just like my activity to have a point to it you know I want a hoop or a net watch going trick my body into thinking there's a reason for this [ __ ] you know something to go against even yoga it's you versus whatever awful mixtape the instructor has put together for you whatever hour and 15 minutes of world music she's assembled over eight trips to Burning Man or some [ __ ] trying to learn how to meditate for the first time she pops in a 90-minute bongo solo from her ex-boyfriend who put this woman in sparks in my spirituality some of you think you maybe never tried yoga but you have if you've ever tried to take a [ __ ] in an airplane bathroom [Music] [Applause] mirror here you get real in touch with yourself to an airplane yoga [Music] no I do like sports I'm a big football fan excited for football season every time I watch the NFL not realize how far away I am from a career in the NFL last season I saw a guy run a kick back for a touchdown and it's the hardest thing I can imagine doing in sports and he as he got into the clear the last 30 40 yards you know he he watched himself on the jumbotron if I see myself reflected in more than one mirror at one time I lose control of all my motor skills this dude is running from 11 300-pound murder machines still has time to watch television himself on live television if I see myself on the security monitor at 7-eleven I felt flop into a Dorito wrap my career in the league is over you ever see yourself on the monitor you never do anything cool you know never do anything productive on the security monitor you catch yourself catch a glimpse of yourself it's just a ghost of Christmas present just showing your life to you oh there you are Nate again hunched over a counter just a failed pile of a consumer inaccurate inefficient taking tube socks back to a Walmart on a Wednesday afternoon good lord but yeah go ahead scratch your leg with your other leg this is really happening yeah we're trying to find it what you try to find it [Applause] for those of you listening at home I just played a video of an ostrich chasing a man on a mountain bike no I I couldn't be more supportive of the players I don't know this whole anthem protest it's clearly an important moment there's clearly a problem in society 1 in 15 black men are in prison right now one in 15 white men are at Starbucks right now and if one in 15 white men were in prison prison might have Starbucks so why people just act like you know a little bit right it's the players aren't complaining because somebody put pickles on their hamburgers right people are getting shot in the [ __ ] streets but with taxpayer money I don't know maybe all the good cops became firefighters I don't think that's true but you never see a firefighter beat the [ __ ] out of an old lady he's saved from a burning building stop smoldering ma'am you never see a university or firefighter tase a cat out of a tree why people are acting like black people should be acting there was a black NRA I would join it today out of principle white people are losing it couldn't even handle when they did endzone dances well NFL players couldn't do an endzone dance for 20 years that was a dark time in the league I can't think of a better time to dance than when you score a touchdown in the National Football League you score a touchdown that fo you should have to dance for 90 seconds this should be how they determine the extra point no more kickers you can make a kicker dance put a helmet on a skinny white dude make them do the worm real good seven points fat kicker please make up that kicker dance nothing will bring the country together like a fat kicker dancing why wouldn't they why why do we care so much about football players what is this why does it shake us to our core I don't know why we get so puritanical it's not the Vatican it's mortgage bank that won't be the same name filled in five years anyway when you do their dance moves we will bulldoze Indian burial grounds to build a Chipotle I can't watch a wide reciever salsa dancing Buffalo [Applause] [Music] yeah white people are losing them I can say that I have a white friend white people stay in the pocket you're gonna be okay I'm gonna be okay you don't have to retreat into your lizard brain elected a tantrum build a wall Mexicans are digging tunnels if you're gonna be racist be a smart racist you just can make them feel better about their tunnels wall we're specks of dust hurling through the universe nobody knows the answer I'm whining about toilet water but you might as well build a door in the woods you might as well build a door in the woods and lock it if it makes you feel better kids and cages you should be ashamed of yourself you're [ __ ] losing at white people yeah damn what are you scared of what do you thinks gonna happen rapists they [ __ ] came through thousands of hundreds of miles thousands of miles or rocks and [ __ ] sank and in the heat the moon if the moon was the Sun not for air-conditioning not for not for a job to make a better life for their family no to breathe it's not bad Mexicans want to rape Cornie white lie you [ __ ] [ __ ] nobody wants to [ __ ] your sloppy maul daughters [Applause] if there is a race war I just hope they don't settle it with a race [Applause] my people will lose that I don't care how much CrossFit we do we're losing oh you know who would win that race the ostrich the ostrich you win that race hands down I don't know why there's no football teams with an ostrich for a mascot real quick they're the fastest animal on two legs and it's not even close I says I did see a video of it turned my world upside down did you know an ostrich can run 50 miles an hour with no arms when was the last time you tried to run full speed with your arms behind your back give it a shot you'll lose all your teeth ostriches is up there just running with its neck up here just a feat of Engineering specific a goin man but we made up this horrible lie about the ostrich that their cowardly but they stick their heads in the sand they don't female ostriches will turn their eggs with their faces it's pretty hardcore actually and then the rest of them have to get out of view because their heads they got those big food faces they're 20 feet up in the air they're like a balloon at Coachella that you find your friends with lion some Tigers like meet me at ostrich for lunch they're out there man they're nature's kick returner how are they not at least one football team just dipping and diving just running not in the caged in Van wondering when they stop serving brunch at the resort they're out there running for their lives they'll run up next to you on the highway a week it's your girl turn your head for a second ostriches taking your girl that Denny's right up under your nose and she'll be back because he's an ostrich you're gonna have to hide that from your families you better hope that on your wedding day you don't have to SiC your groomsmen on some emotional ostrich outside the church dipping and diving doesn't care about your groomsmen so run it from lions and tigers and bears for Millenia treat your groomsmen like a goddamn cone drill all right steppin on your tin cans on your honeymoon mobile [ __ ] promises that your girl through a rolled-up window what's he sayin your mother-in-law will scream posture just tastes good it tastes good compress it I'm impressed that they're still alive horrifying feet the ostrich oh you thought I was done track star legs dinosaur feet that's ostrich has no business leaving the house in the morning with its feet uncovered no if there is a race war they'll probably settle it with assault rifles I think it was 20 maybe 25 mass shootings ago I got into a fight with a kid on Facebook cuz I'm a grown man that gets in facebook fights and he told me that my car was just as dangerous as an ar-15 assault rifle I said hold the [ __ ] on driving Oh five Honda Accord one of the windows doesn't work but okay 19 year old from Arkansas let's talk about this for three hours I'm not good at time management all right I mean it's not even realistic like we've lost something in this country I'll pretend okay I'll pretend if I wanted to kill as many people as I could with my oh five Honda Accord okay I would get in it I will go to Walmart and I would buy an ar-15 assault rifle because those things are [ __ ] meat ruiners we don't and we know it it's ridiculous you don't hundreds of millions of Americans who get to work everyday riding their ar-15s [ __ ] idiot this is not realistic okay I don't these are poor [ __ ] lies that you're telling us we don't you don't need two assault rifles to raise four kids in the suburbs it's nonsense it's nonsense we have these [ __ ] ups I don't buy into this good guy with a gun fantasy that's just some worship that they tell men with no law-enforcement experience no military training so that they can entertain some fantasy about saving a shopping mall like they wouldn't shoot the cashier at gadzooks while they were trying to get their Glock out of their hooded sweatshirt if you don't feel safe without an assault rifle it tells me a couple things about you first of all you never made clean contact with a pinata [Applause] you were straight air balls the whole time in nothing but air you didn't make clean contact one time other kids did the damage they got candy you got tears it taught you to hate yourself it taught you to hate Mexicans I don't want you around guns and I definitely don't want you around people with your guns man most people don't have your candy the people that take your candy are long gone okay and if they did you would just ruin the candy because your new wiffle ball bat shoots 800 rounds per minute all right let's lighten the mood abortion I support a woman's right to an abortion obviously mostly because I have paid for one and when you go to the school you root for the team [Applause] yeah learned a lot from that first of all if men could get pregnant you could get an abortion at a [ __ ] atm it's not even it's not even realistic that's if men could get pregnant part of becoming a notary public would be learning how to administer an abortion you could go to FedEx and get your weekends back we'd be giving them to each other no guy in this room oh I guess I'll just do what the Good Book says get the [ __ ] out of here it's just men controlling women I don't care how Christian you are if you needed one win to make your fantasy football playoffs and Tom Brady got pregnant you [Music] would want that handled in the locker room like a sprained ankle lie to me all you want just don't lie to yourselves gentlemen I learned a lot from that woman told me she was pregnant it's like alright well this is more difficult for you than it is for me so I support what you want to do it's your whatever you choose I support I just want to do I just want you know that I want what you want she looked me dead in the face she said oh that's nice but what I want is for you to know that I don't give a [ __ ] what you want and I fell in love because I knew [ __ ] was going to get handled that is some case you're at [ __ ] that's not how somebody that wants to start a family with you talks to your face [Applause] um no I get I I don't I don't understand our obsession with guns but I I do understand the the fear component because our brains don't give a [ __ ] about us it's not really we're not even control in the least bit like I grind my teeth that's something a lot of people do I think but I did a whole life and I used to wake my pennies a pop my teeth like I have to wear these big stupid thing and because when I go to sleep at night my brain eats my teeth eats my teeth that's the worst thing you could eat that's above glass and concrete glass has food value eats my teeth you need your teeth you gotta have your teeth cavemen you broke your jaw he died he couldn't even help through a straw there was no Jamba Juice now I could get new teeth what my brain doesn't know that so it's just altogether destructive and I understand it I understand that we were just limited by our own our own existences I saw a guy in a Nissan Versa with a Hawaii license plate not in Hawaii [Music] which music he bought a boat ticket for a Nissan Versa and I just want to say man you got trust you gotta trust yourself to get to another Versailles you're gonna get there man life is a series of verses it's a fifteen hundred hour boat ticket it's at least half the value of a Nissan Versa what are you doing you can't do that you I'm not sayin ditch it in a parking lot walk away like there's a bomb in the trunk I'm saying get on Honolulu Craigslist flip that verso it's probably a very nice Craigslist in Honolulu have a little fun get a couple things for the road flip your versa add it to your versa boat ticket money find a new verse start a new life with a new verse up that's in the same place in life as you are that wants the same things that you do is other fish in the sea but you don't want any old fish you want your versa you got it in your head that that's the only verse although it is the only versa in the sea there's never been another verse on a boat before you made that happen friend that is a prison of your own design you got emotional about your first verse I started sailing it all over the goddamn Pacific Ocean and now you're stuck in Nebraska with the Versa they can't stop thinking about Hawaii [Applause] but it's hard to trust yourself it's hard to trust yourself your brain will do whatever it wants I went skydiving and I was always told that skydiving felt like flying it does not you're definitely following you are falling very fast then you have a small French woman on your background she's the only thing that's gonna save you you are very happy that she's there but what happens is you fall for long enough that your brain tricks you into thinking that you're flying well okay if your brain can trick you into thinking that you're flying then your brain can definitely trick you into thinking that you're falling one of those things you do naturally and I don't know white folks just fall slower maybe don't get the F maybe just get to F 150 next time maybe don't eat the whole dessert pizza tonight I'm sorry but it's not Mexicans fault that you didn't make the payments on your pontoon boat and it's not about race but I don't know somebody tell white people that it's about class and consumerism and just this [ __ ] absurd culture that we're living I traveled a whole country in the last couple weeks I was in Ohio Michigan Indiana Wisconsin Illinois and North Dakota or north carolina and every [ __ ] exit on every [ __ ] highway as a Bob Evans and a [ __ ] Cracker Barrel and Mexicans didn't do that dude they got you to stop on this life you are just preferred customers man it's not you can make it from Salt Lake City to Pittsburgh only using drive-throughs okay Mexicans didn't do that and I get double-digit mailers a month for you get those invitations from banks to just ruin your own credit I don't like those I don't like how much they know I don't like their tone I just feel like they're just calling me an [ __ ] every time a night banks here listen we saw that you had no money we were wondering if maybe we should have it hey Nate banks again listen we sat down with our lawyers and crunched a few numbers turns out you are our kind of [ __ ] consumer how'd you like to borrow $10,000 you pay us back thirteen thousand dollars or you take your time with that you pay us back 97 thousand [ __ ] dollars [Applause] how about it Nate ha we just want you to have any little horseshit you set your little heart on you know little trinkets or nonsense yeah you can finance things you don't need or you can finance things you don't need to finance we're a one-stop shop for horrible financial decisions huh how about it yeah you ever charge a lapdance online we support that how'd you like to finance five years worth the almond milk we saw you did that in 2006 Nate how'd you like to how'd you like to buy a house you'll never own how about it how you want to be underwater on a house huh where the goddamn beach hey why don't you rent your rooms Nate we just want you to have the most least valuable [ __ ] you could possibly own would you please rent your hubcaps goddamn it huh Nate don't just not own your car not own several parts of your car originated several bad investments assemble an entire vehicle out of horrible financial decisions it's your own transformer do you like science fiction me it's Optimus subprime how about it Nate it's a car that you own that turns into a car you don't own anymore maybe I should go back to check look-see me here so use a checkbook yeah so I pull a checkbook out in the express lane at the grocery store exactly you know next time that happens just forget about your afternoon take a step back you watch the rest of the line lose their minds there was four people in front of me they all folded their arms and started looking for eye contacts like oh my god checkbook are you seeing this checkbook please aisle five checkbook get in the game I'm gonna need you to stare through the back of this man's skull for the duration oh my god died in your shoes old man you die in your shoes in front of my son whose palpable hate and he was like 8090 maybe never sent an email if you've outlived your life expectancy 25 items or less does not apply to you you do what you got to do he was awesome he had fun with it he clearly liked to do it he likes to press pause on people's day you stared him down a little bit like does anybody have a pen I'm sorry am i putting you out right now why don't you stop counting the items in my cart how about that what do you narc if they made one big can of fish I'd have bought it but they don't so I had to buy 40 small ones when I start counting [ __ ] how many worthless generations am i looking at right now 34 45 what are you 19 back there checkbook Google too but learn something cupcake it's a contract between people from back and we're worth a [ __ ] well I don't need the date sweetheart I got it here in my paper hand calendar you guys that's been it I'm an 8 thank you so much thanks guys [Applause] [Music] you you

Channel: All Things Comedy

Views: 140,751

Keywords: ATC, ALL THINGS COMEDY, bill burr, al madrigal, podcast, atc podcast, all things comedy podcast, full stand up, full stand up comedy special, full stand up comedy, full stand up 2020, full stand up show, nate craig, nate craig stand up, nate craig comedian, nate craig comedy, nate craig f is for family, comedy specials, la comedy, stand-up comedy, preferred customer, stand-up comedy shows, comedy specials full, comedy specials 2020

Id: fgDWxfKQOiQ

Length: 61min 40sec (3700 seconds)

Published: Mon May 25 2020