Half in the Bag: The Bruce Willis Fake Movie Factory

half in the bag why are you wasting my time just kill me [Music] sir i already told you he's about five foot one 200-ish pounds he wears sunglasses some kind of [ __ ] golf cap he walks around with a cane he wears really ugly mismatched clothing he smells what yes i understand that that's what everybody who goes to the casino looks like well how could you miss him he's mr [ __ ] blanket he's a goddamn legend in this town for christ's sakes can you look at your security footage or something well double dumbass on youtube i said why did you take off your mask did you find mr plinkett no and i looked everywhere where did you look well from the pharmacy i followed a series of wacky clues that led me from one comically overcrowded venue to the next a fish fry a ballroom dancing class for the elderly an overcrowded sauna bingo hall and finally i found out that he got accidentally invited to a very crowded office christmas party and that's where the trail went cold what oh my god i decided to stay at the christmas party you know just in case mr plinkett showed up but then i got wasted and i put my balls on the copy machine and then i threw up in a paper shredder it's all on instagram and tick tock if you want to see no jay i don't want to see and quite frankly i'm [ __ ] disappointed in you your job was to find mr plinkett and you failed and who the [ __ ] has an office christmas party in february kovid delay oh right covet delay delayed yeah because of kovacs delayed like it was supposed to be obviously in december it was a cro office christmas party is so supposed to be summer but the coveted spiked and they delayed it until february february why why is february okay well it was a christmas party but it was difficult christmas uh of saint patrick's day well they actually had that in december the st patrick's day parade party [ __ ] covet delay that was the cover delay from the year before oh right right right right so everything's out of whack because of kovac delays yeah what the fourth of july is in october now and now fourth of july is still on fourth of july i'm still celebrating fourth of july from 2020 next month i don't even know what holidays are was that because of a covert delay of course delayed yeah kovac i haven't had my 54th birthday yet i had a great plan if he showed up too i was gonna spike his drink with a date rape drug and then wheel him back to the house where the hell did you get a date rape drug so this one time when i met bill cosby oh forget it i don't want to know oh no i got the roof and all from a dealer on the street i was just gonna tell you an amusing anecdote about the time i met bill cosby what why would you start telling me some random story about a time you met a celebrity we're in the middle of a crisis jay i don't know to lighten the mood it's actually a really funny story if you want to hear it sometime well it was a funny story [Laughter] [Music] what the [ __ ] is that that's the upstairs tenant i rented out mr plinkett's spare bedroom all the guy does is watch sitcoms all day [Laughter] turn it down shut the [ __ ] up no one thinks webster is funny sorry about that oh it's so do you think all these masks and [ __ ] will protect us from the whatever variant of course they will jay everything helps plus we're triple vaxxed and boostered also the other day i went around to 12 different pharmacies and clinics and got boostered again and again and again 12 times all in the same day i was throwing up blood for six hours but i am [ __ ] protected against coven my blood is 75 vaccine now i can't see out of my right eye but that's okay i'm not gonna get omnicron jesus christ mike calm down they say that the omicron variant is starting to burn itself out what well how could that be shouldn't there be another variant that's even stronger and then another variant and then another one one after the other that gets stronger and stronger [Applause] but i don't want it to end jay more variance more variance endless [ __ ] variance endless endless j i i i just want i want this forever i want it i want it forever jay i i don't know how to tell you this and then i'm sorry i'm sorry it's just that this pandemic has been going on for so long i don't know how to live any other way [Music] [Applause] [Music] hey [ __ ] turn it down [Applause] uh mr plinkett where have you been well not that it's any of your business but it's at the casino the pharmacy a fish fry then i went to my ballroom dancing class uh the sauna oh man i accidentally got an evite to an office christmas party they must have sent it to the wrong email but i went anyway you know for the cold food and the hot sex that was a wild party some lady was xeroxing her balls in the copy machine why would you say it was a lady if she had balls jay i just joined the twitter and i learned it's not okay to assign gender to anybody she was a pretty little lady with a beard i'm sure it was a man and you're assigning gender by saying it was a lady get woke bro you guys this is the stupidest conversation ever mr plinkett what happened with your covid oh yeah no i wasn't got a test i had the omicron variant yeah but just felt like a mild cold and then i got better but but i thought you had the dreaded omega variant you know the thing that i made up inside my own head a mega variant what the [ __ ] is that but mike you should be happy there is no omega variant the pandemic is slowly burning itself out [ __ ] finally but jay our plan we were going to knock mr plinkett unconscious with a bowling trophy then slit his wrists and drain out all of his blood into 12 different buckets and then pour his blood into used coffee filters you know to strain out those precious omega-variant antibodies and then make our own vaccine in a margarita mixer then we take that vaccine and march right up to the front door of the white house wearing clown costumes and sell that vaccine to joe biden and then they'd award us the medal of freedom mike i think it's time to admit that this scam is over and like all of our scams it didn't end with us being rich or powerful oh hey hey guys uh you want to watch a movie huh huh i i just picked this up from the redbox remember redbox they have one at my bingo hall it's for people who don't know what an internet is this is the new bruce willis movie which one apex american siege out of death hard kill cosmic sin midnight in the switch grass survive the night survive the game deadlock breach fortress which one which movie is it oh look guys this whole conversation has made me tired i need to go take a nap well mike what do you say we fire up the 127 inch tv and see what bruce willis has been up to okay i thought you were dead get out it's time to get up you could hey mike seen any bruce willis movies lately in fact jay i have we just watched several of them on mr plinkett's big screen tv really taking advantage of that that giant television i know watching these these carefully crafted films they're they're works of fart why did we do this mike well for years we've noticed films in the red box on demand uh with with a with an aging movie star on the cover all look like junk movies and we always call them redbox movies and we laugh at them and we never really knew we always suspected they were made you know abroad foreign countries you know like cheaply we didn't really know much about them yeah there's movies that appear you never see trailers for them there's never nobody ever talks about them or reviews them no they just show up in that crappy little red box right or or you know amazon prime or voodoo or whatever like the on-demand service and you say hey this has a famous person in how have i never even heard of it exactly and and they're not you know they're they're famous people that are kind of they're fading stars yeah um but they're still names you're you're john travoltas nicholas cage keeps bouncing back and forth between these and good movies thank god he he takes a good script every now and then but yes you're you're nicholas cage uh robert de niro al pacino bruce willis bruce willis is the the biggest criminal of them all uh well that's that we've talked in previous half in the bags and the most recent half in the bag we mentioned the the never-ending pile of bruce willis movies and so he said hey let's dive into those what are these where did they come from then somehow i saw an article on the internet it was on vulture.com an article by a guy named joshua hart from may of 2021 and it was called the the king of the the geezer teaser which is which is the name for these types of movies where they have an old male action star actor as as the pole yeah and and who's barely in the movie and it was called the king of the geezer teasers and so that was kind of the genesis of of this discussion and diving into these bruce willis films because bruce willis has made 11 films in the last two years uh and that's walked in front of the camera for 11 films exclusively i'm not i'm not like there isn't like an art film or like a like a tv appearance in it and this it's specifically only 11 films and they're all trash and we're gonna get go go through those all of them yeah i think the original idea for this was like we'll make fun of these crappy bruce willis movies because you've heard about like oh he uses body doubles he barely acts keep working old man i'll take you anytime punk and so that was kind of i was going into it like that like oh this'll be fun to make fun of but most of them are too pathetic to be funny bad and it led to a much larger discovery of this this factory this exploitation factory yes that is going on that is completely under the radar because nobody watches these things somebody must they get made they get bought for distribution and then nobody watches them uh a good business model would collapse if nobody watched that's what i say they get i'm sure they get paid you know uh cosmic sin is one of them that's on uh netflix right now once upon a time you're a big bad [ __ ] but now but there are places everywhere where they could stream and they have an audience and it says it was uh the article said it was mainly men over the age of 35 35 to like 60. that's their demographic because no one under 35 gives a [ __ ] about bruce willis right it's probably even older than 35. um probably guys in their 50s well people that still rent dvds from redbox yeah it's redbox and it's streaming but so before we dive into the movies that which is the fun and interesting part uh we want to credit the article make sure you go read it um it it is it is about this guy named randall emmett he is the king of the geezer teasers can we call him the geezer sleazers i think it's funny these are sleazers sure geezer exploitation yeah elderly abuse whatever you want to call them well this guy uh he he started out as um i think he was an intern for like jerry bruckheimer productions but then he was mark wahlberg's personal assistant and he's the inspiration for the character turtle on entourage okay a show i've never really watched but i know that i think i've seen one episode of it and didn't like it this guy another guy they talk about the canon group uh canon films like how they kind of started the model of doing the cheap i i wanted to compare this company to canon and to roger corman but we'll get there yeah um and and you and interestingly enough the the one movie that kind of kicked off this whole thing was the expendables oh that makes sense you remember watching that and you're like something's really cheap and bad about this and i don't quite know what it is this doesn't feel like a real movie but it was in the theaters i'm assuming that they probably have a formula where all the budgets are kind of the same maybe a little bit more for a sci-fi movie than like a gritty cop movie um but i mean they're not putting any money even in the cop movies they're not putting any money into the facts squibs anything like that it's all plug-ins right uh which going back to the expendables that's what i remember about that movie yeah they were promoting it as like it's a return to gritty 80s action and yeah it was a big lie because every every uh squib is just a digital uh plug there's something that felt off about expendables i was like this is a great concept all these washed up 80s 90s action stars all together in one big movie what a great thing i remember being confused by that one too because it was directed by stallone and i liked the couple movies he directed before that he did rocky balboa and he directed uh the fourth rambo movie and i actually like his directing in those so i was like oh he's doing the expendables and then i started watching it and it felt like every shot it felt like the actor was shot at a different time in a different location this is like the precursor to these these uh bruce willis movies and so there's there's a handful of players there's you know this guy randall emmett has produced uh he has a movie credit as a producer for 110 films oh my god his movies have grossed more than 1.2 billion dollars so the model is he accepts money from anyone who's willing to offer it most of the money goes to an aging star like bruce willis etc they use that actor's name to pre-sell the movie even before it's done to foreign markets to help pay the rest shoot locations where the tax credits are the best i.e not in the u.s probably i a lot of the ones i watched were uh shot in georgia georgia has uh is uh they have productions there yeah um or canada or yeah i have i think apex was canada right there's those like actors that you always recognize oh sure and i was like that's canadian actor this is john canada yeah and so uh movies shot in two weeks or less so basically like yeah if you watch one of these movies there's like and we're gonna do a super cut here to to show you there's there's a million different like logos in the front probably people who put up money or that was my very first note when i started watching my very first film from this this group was there are so many opening company logos yeah that was before apex i started laughing out loud because they just kept venture capital yeah and so everyone wants a piece of this they'll throw money in and then uh most of the movies are shot in two weeks or less two weeks two weeks [Music] bruce willis gets ninety percent of the budget and then and does zero percent of the work they do they make the movie as cheaply and as quickly as possible and make a poster and dump it and then and then move on then it probably ekes out a small profit and then they move on and and so it's um it is a factory it's it's an assembly line like i said it turns the art of filmmaking into just a despicable disgusting product well that's that's why i wanted to compare him to roger corman because roger corman notoriously cheap made tons of low-budget movies lots of them were rip-offs of bigger budget movies or star wars or jaws or whatever but roger corman was smart enough to hire young talented filmmakers to make the movies fun joe dante make a rip-off of jaws and joe dante says can i make it funny he says sure do whatever i thought i told you not even to say that word what about the goddamn piranhas they're eating the guests sir or they fill their their they use their budget not on aging stars but on car stunts or or spaceship special effects and they make the movies fun these movies are joyless slogs and they're they're so cheap and so poorly made and they they they do hire young uh directors uh one of the the the prime suspects in this whole operation is edward drake i watched edward john drake i watched a few movies by him one of the worst [ __ ] filmmakers ever i did see an interview with him he seems like a niece a decent enough guy it's like this young british man he just seems to be like happy to have the opportunity but holy [ __ ] which one did he direct uh he did apex oh wait i know this because because i uh i wrote i i went and i i made a spreadsheet and i i linked all of these characters all of our players yeah edward drake directed three a guy named james cullen bresek directed two uh matt s kendari directed two and then three uh the other four well there's 11 bruce willis films that came out in the last two years and this is all he's done in two years junk films yeah the la the the anomaly in his lat in the last like five six years of his career i think is glass that was like a real movie yes i mean you know i i can't speculate on someone's financial situation but you think like doesn't he have just a ton of money like you know is he has he blown at all yeah you know what i mean it's none of our business but the one thing that is certain is that he's not doing it for the love of the craft oh yeah uh it's it's i i knew that he was doing these cheapo movies or he wasn't putting in any effort and i was still shocked by how bad he was it's it's like shameful yeah and and it's it's almost like unless you're desperate it's it would be so demoralizing and embarrassing hi robert this is a beautiful day today isn't it it sure is i watched the movie breach we're going to talk about all these movies and it is like it's bad that's the sci-fi one right yes the sets look just like the space cup sets they use the exact same pieces of material yes and and the movies made with like styrofoam sets that are spray painted can you imagine being bruce willis and walking onto that set and how like ashamed you'd be at how low of a production it is you know what i mean like and so unless you have horrible amounts of debt you owe taxes you blew through all of your money maybe he has to pay like [ __ ] child support got a bunch of kids yeah if you're unless you're bankrupt why would you do this unless you're just like hey it's super easy work and i get like 500 dollars for two days work but it's he gets over a million dollars per movie for maybe two days of work okay so you do you know four or five of these a year that's all you got to do all year i mean that's okay okay and then you just like uh gosh a million for one of these movies more than a million okay i want to say it was like one of the articles i read i want to save like 2 million okay then i i i'm just i i stand back and so i think it's that it's laziness of of just oh i get a bunch of money for doing the barest minimum of effort sure to the point where i'm not going to memorize my lines did you notice the earpiece no and we both watched we didn't both watch all of these but we both watched apex and i noticed in one scene i saw an ear a little thing in his ear and my first thought was oh my god they're just feeding him his lines so then i did a little bit of research and i discovered something about bruce willis i didn't know could it be a hearing aid he is like 75 deaf in his left ear from a gun going off right next to his head when he made the original die hard well going that far back okay so then i was like oh well you know he's got a hearing hearing aid i'm not going to make fun of him for that but then i noticed in some shots it was there other shots it wasn't so it's a continuity issue but that's his left ear and also in apex and other movies he has a little earpiece in his right ear as well so somebody's feeding him lines he walks on set someone says into a microphone what he has to say he just says it then he goes back to his trailer there's that scene in apex when he's talking to the hologram the the hologram lady who's coordinating the the hunt kill hunt thing i'm a popular guy how you stay alive this long is beyond me the luck of the irish so yeah should we explain the plot of apex real quick yeah well okay let's we're gonna get into the movie stuff okay we've we've we've referenced uh the king of the the geezer teaser the stage is set the stage is set um and you can go into this article because it's crazy they talk about like the russian mob and all these people want to kill this guy and and uh he he's being sued by this person and that person and and it's just this like completely tangled mess of he's super hated in hollywood but he makes these movies he he actually um martin scorsese was having trouble finding money to produce uh uh what's this uh silence okay yeah yeah that's kind of a not very commercial idea not a commercial movie they talk about this this concept of like an old like an old-time artistic filmmaker like martin scorsese and the phrase one for them one for me where he makes like a commercially successful movie and then he's able to make something like last temptation of christ or silence or uh canoon or an artsy fartsy movie that's not going to bring in huge money at the box office but it's something as an artist martin scorsese wants to make so he had trouble finding money for uh silence and then uh this guy also got a producer's credit on the irishman a non-union producer credit cause i don't think he's in the producers guild of america okay and i don't i think most of his movies he he tries to shoot without union he tries to get around that i mean i'm not like saying exactly what this guy does this is all detailed in the article and so and so so that's this guy you can read about him great bruce willis i understand a little more about why he makes these movies because i didn't think it was that big of a of a payday yeah but that does sound like 98 of the budgets of these movies and you have to have some nerve to walk onto the set of a trash movie where you're taking 98 of the money and and everyone else around you is either working for free or or peanuts yeah and and i would feel like a huge piece of dog [ __ ] if i did that doing absolutely nothing doing barely not anything and everyone else doing tons of work and trying to make make it in the business and you're you're riding that wave of your name i get it you earned that name but i would still feel like a piece of garbage like making that much money when someone else is making a hundred dollars to hold the boom mic i would feel crappy yeah i mean you're a movie star you're the draw but at least put in the tiniest bit of effort into a performance that's related to the earpiece thing again i found an article from like i think it was 2017 where he was in bruce willis was in a staged version of stephen king's misery him and laurie metcalf which side note i would like to see that laurie metcalf is annie wilkes and sure sure she'd be great um but i found a bunch of articles that were criticizing him because it somehow it came out that he was having his lines fed to him and usually like when an actor goes back to doing like a stage production it's kind of like because they want to you know they work on these big movies and they want to kind of get that feel of what it's like to be a real performer again why the [ __ ] are you doing it if you're just having someone like tell you your lines what did he get out of that it's so weird maybe he made a deal where he got 98 of the ticket sales i don't have no [ __ ] idea we should get in there save the day well that would be stupid apex is we'll go into apex yeah it is oh wait first oh my god eventually we'll get to apex yeah we got to tell everybody the names of these movies oh yeah because uh so you cannot watch them for yourself and also i put them in order of their rotten tomatoes scores oh yeah that was the original idea for this is we were only going to watch a few of them that had zero percent right but it grew into a larger project yes um uh okay so number one ironic ironically apex i was gonna say that's the most ironically titled film of all time uh zero percent american siege zero percent out of death zero percent hard kill zero percent cosmic sin three percent oh midnight in the switch grass that's gonna be a little bit higher i'm guessing eight percent okay um that this guy the the the king of the geezer teaser actually directed okay that's his first film and i think he might have wrote it too co-wrote it okay but he was i did i didn't watch the whole thing i skimmed through that one and it looked it looked mediocre but it was better put together than a lot of these i think they tried a little harder on that i think so they only managed to get it up to eight percent survive the night 14 survive the game 14 oh my god deadlock uh wasn't not reviewed by anyone but it has a 15 audience score but it made all of its money in puerto rico i have no idea breached 20 and fortress tops it out at another 20 wow i'm surprised any of them got into the double digits yeah so to be fair some of the ones that are zero percent only have like five six reviews yeah but well let's talk about our first film apex [Music] the one we both saw it's the most dangerous game with the sci-fi twists and by that i mean there's an opening shot that looks like exactly like the city shot in space cop if your movie is being compared to space cop you know you've done something really wrong um this is the worst one that i watched by far i did find out it was made during kovid so part of the reason it was made the way it was was to have minimal people but uh talk about bruce willis having his lines fed to him i texted you like halfway through the movie because you had already watched it i was like is he going to be in a single shot with another actor and he's there's a couple shots one shot there's there's a couple shots where he's in the frame with probably a stand-in because i don't think he was in this same shoot with any of the the other actors in the movie but yeah most of the movie is him leaning against trees in the woods well here's the premise uh neil mcdonough who's some kind of character actor he's been in a lot of things you'll recognize his face uh i think he was he on star trek he's probably in star trek he's probably in some star trek [Music] he's an example of of a pro a professional actor he's working on this cheapo [ __ ] movie but he's still trying to put in a performance he's pretty good yeah it it's in the future they have holographic computer screens that are added later and posts cheaply so it's the future my favorite piece of future technology is the fireplace which is just a normal fireplace but there's just like a red glow coming from it because it's the future oh god um but um and so a cast of unlikable lovable characters who all or a bunch of fat white guys and some girl i'll go to this island to kill the ultimate prey which is bruce willis who is in prison for life and a hologram lets him out uh that opening scene with him in the prison cell with the hologram sets you up for everything you can tell they just pointed a camera at him and they said say this line now say this lie yes hey buddy are you lost holy hell sir how are you still alive come closer and i'll show you enjoy the rest of your day you're coming on a little strong maybe you could settle down and visit the grandkids great kids i don't have any grandkids so yeah you can literally feel the cuts and what he's saying it's like he doesn't even know the context of what oh yeah no i mean especially to learn that he's having his lines fed to him through his ear yeah he's just saying words yeah he's literally just saying words okay oh man well the premise is yeah they're chasing bruce willis through the woods to hunt him first i guess for sport is there any mention of money or anything i think it's just for sport yeah yeah um they they pay money to do it but bruce willis he's so clever that he puts it in their minds in one line of dialogue he says hey can the hunters kill each other and the hunters are like oh we've never thought of that hey i got a question you're coming through loud and clear to all can hunters kill other hunters and then they just kill each other in the woods through the rest of the movie while bruce willis looks through a bush well they let bruce willis out of his little room right this is this made me laugh out loud it's like this what appears to be like a tropical island yeah and they cut and they're like okay bruce willis go we'll give you 30 minutes head start why does that even matter yeah he doesn't set traps he doesn't do anything clever he just stands behind a tree so that so there's some a stand-in who's running like on a golf course and it's over this behind the shoulder shot well that's and then it cuts and we don't see bruce willis again for an hour that's the main staple to point out in all these movies is the body double uh whenever it's not bruce willis face it's some other guy [Music] prepare to die skeleton uh in american siege there's a part when he's running up to a guy to shoot him and the the guy he's running up to shoot is in the foreground so i guess they figured hey the body double his face he's facing the camera but he's out of focus and this is a gritty action movie so shaky cam so maybe people won't notice it's not bruce willis but they do but i noticed yeah oh i noticed there is literally no reason for all the hunters to kill each other it's just one it's like one scene after the other there's two hunters that that have a long conversation about nonsense you killed your wife bro so you can save me the sanctimonious oh i'm here to better myself [ __ ] and you can put that down these people just talk to each other they argue about something and then they kill each other and and bruce willis has nothing to do with any of it no no other than asking the question in the beginning he just kind of stands there behind a tree and and peeks out occasionally and literally does nothing there's a montage of him doing nothing it's so weird they play this like pepe music for no reason and he just like it just holds on him walking around eating berries [Music] yeah the berries had like lsd in them yeah they say it's like oh pretty soon you're going to start tripping yeah you're about to trip some serious bowls it doesn't bother me as if that's going to be like something that is a detriment during the climax but then it isn't it just kind of happens and then goes away and then it goes away and then the movie continues it has nothing to do with anything that and that's the that's the that's the phrase of the day i suppose it's just wasting time it's just filling time oh yeah nonsense characters talking about nothing cutting to bruce will like spreading out his screen time you're just standing behind a tree i remember thinking like oh is bruce willis ever gonna actually fight anybody in this whole movie and there's one shot where i think he runs up and he hits the gun out of his hand yeah and that shot didn't look like a composite shot or something so i think that was like they're like we're making an action movie where you're being hunted on an island we got to put you in the frame with somebody at some point you've got to you've got to fight someone or people are going to complain that there isn't even one interaction between you and anybody else so all right fine one thing one thing where i knock a gun out of some guy's hand yeah it's like a such a far cry from like die hard it's like like amazing yeah my brain can't handle it well there's a there's a scene in this and i i think it's supposed to be like the end of the the day and the beginning of the next but bruce willis falls asleep on camera it's like 45 minutes into the movie and he just goes it's just a close-up of him yeah and then i i literally thought he fell asleep on camera and then um then it cuts to like th and it's like the next day yeah because the black and he opens his eyes and it's like the same exact lighting they shot it like a minute later and i was like oh oh he was his character was actually getting sleepy and he fell asleep they didn't do a scene where he like climbs up in a tree and finds like a secret spot to sleep for the night and you know makes or makes a bed like under the ground yeah like it does like it's the bare minimum oh my god the bare minimum for what can pass for a movie is that before after he finds a cigar in the middle of the woods yeah a cigar and a lighter right next to it yeah i guess you could say that was like oh one of the people that got killed on the island probably was because he finds a skull but oh yeah you should have it like in the hand of a like a skeleton hand or something and then he rips it out you're not going to be needing this pal there's a awkward moment where yeah he he and again i just picture in my head him going i want to smoke a cigar in the movie yeah i brought this cigar to the side and [ __ ] smoke and everyone's like uh sure i guess so um and i i want to say he's he probably told the camera guy or the director like watch me blow smoke rings and then he tried and it didn't work he couldn't do it anymore and then they just left it in the movie uh yeah they gotta use every frame of footage they have of them oh and there's also the scene with the mongrels do you remember that oh my god all of our main uh hunters have been killed and they're like i guess we need more action in this movie west i'd like to buy five mongrels please so so neil mcdonough calls up mongrels which i guess are just like low-level hunters that all beam to the island and bruce willis body double just shoots them one after the other with no effort and there's nothing clever about it no it's just a montage of bruce willis from the neck down shooting people neil mcdonough is the head bad guy he's a doctor he collects severed heads as trophies right why is the trophy room in the the house why would it be in his own personal house that's a very good question but he puts the the the head into it's like a glowing doorway that's supposed to be like i guess a transporter where he puts it in this transporter and then it shows up in his trophy case that is for some reason in the apex house yes but uh you can tell it's just a doorway to the house because it still has the door hinges on it you know you pop out the pin and you take off the door but the hinge is still attached to the frame and he just sticks the head in there i don't know but neil mcdonough is the apex apex uh man he's the bad guy the big bad guy uh and so he's for no reason he's the one that has to have the confrontation with bruce willis bruce willis says i'm hungry hey you got anything real that i can eat i'm starving and so he goes there like the craft service table is inside that's why he's in the house at the end because he wanted food there's a table of food and he goes up to the table of food and um which uh i don't know why they let i can't remember but they have their confrontation and they are green screened in mr malone [ __ ] well bruce willis says i don't think the uh neil mcdonough is i know the the green screen didn't quite look convincing so they just color corrected the scene to be like all red or blue it's bathed in red i guess from the future fireplace future science fiction something something something is a way to try and conceal the bad key effects it was but very clearly can you imagine if the climax of die hard was bruce willis just green screened in looks like an snl sketch or something did you rehearse that and they didn't even fight no they fired two guns at each other a one with like a bullet like an explosive giant bullet and they hit each other and then bruce willis leaves he just walks does it go like this [Music] and i just don't you just you can see him just like stumbling out there and just going what do i do i don't know you walk in between those glowing rods and it's going to beam you away what do i do i don't i don't just oh and it goes like this and then the movie ends and then it just fades to credits it's it's so bad and i want to tell you a little something after every one of these i watched i watched two yeah uh i rated them five stars on van voodoo [Laughter] so that others may be tricked into into watching these it's like the ring you have to get other people to watch it for your own survival yes well that's not how i do things it's like watching just some employee at their job just doing the bare minimum who has no effort he's like he's like the fast food worker of actors you know what i mean yeah but they just don't care at all well i think he's probably hoping at this point that eventually he will get paid to not even have to act should we bring up the russian commercial oh sure this is as good time zenny i guess he got paid millions of dollars for his likeness for a deep fake i don't know yeah vodka or uh some kind of alcoholic beverage i watched it it's him and another guy like tied up it's like an action movie looking thing right but yeah he he got paid for the commercial without literally having to do anything yeah it's just a deep fake he wasn't even there he's like can you just [ __ ] scan my head didn't know and just you know he would he would be the first to sign up for that yeah the there's a really good movie about that called the congress with uh robin wright's in it and that's what it's all about is that scanning an actor and using them forever i think the difference between between like a crappy worker like a cog in the machine kind of worker who just has no enthusiasm for their job just hates it isn't helpful just does the bare minimum to get by to get their paycheck the difference between that and bruce willis is that an actor is is an entertainer you know what i mean it's like if you went and saw like uh who's like who would be a good example of a of an aging like singer you know share okay share he goes you go to see sharon concert and and she just kind of sits in a chair and goes she shows up in sweatpants right she doesn't get dressed up she doesn't do makeup or hair just shows up in sweatpants and like a like a t-shirt with stains on it sits in a folding chair and goes if i could turn back time uh yeah like she doesn't like she doesn't even try to sing yeah she just like maybe talks because she knows she's gonna get paid yeah and so so you go and you pay to see cher perform and you sit and you're like oh my god she's just wearing sweatpants and she's sitting in a folding chair yeah and she's not even standing up and she's just she's just mumbling the words to her song that's like the equivalent of what bruce willis is doing in these movies you pay to see this action movie with bruce willis in it and he's phoning it in as they say [Music] this man he's he's perfect we'll get out of apex and we'll go to breach uh breach is a giant pile of dog [ __ ] um this is him on a spaceship yeah i think i saw a clip from it where he's shooting an alien with like a flamethrower yeah and he's putting in no effort he's just shooting the cg thing and he's like get out of here guys as he shoots them breach is basically a zombie movie in space guy and gal they the earth's population is like 19 billion people and they're it's about to explode not the earth itself but everyone's about the earth's [ __ ] everyone's going to die i don't know why there might be a reason overpopulation uh disease hunger something so that they're all going there's people who get picked to go on a spaceship to go to the new earth earth 2 new earth something uh and so they get on a spaceship made of styrofoam and cardboard and uh the the kid's a stowaway he's the the admiral or the general or one of like space marines are on it there's 300 000 people on the ship but they're on cryo except for like 10 people that's very convenient yes and uh uh he he's a stowaway uh the the thomas jane is in it oh i saw him he's wearing like sunglasses he looked pretty cool for the next six months we will blaze across space and time for most of us in crime this journey will be but a dream he's in he's in one scene in the beginning he gets put in the cryo freeze and then he shows up at the very end he's five minutes of screen time he goes from the expanse to a styrofoam space cup set for a film shot for 50 bucks is he on the expanse yeah oh good for him um he's getting out of movies like money plane and breach money plans another one of these [ __ ] movies man you want to bet on a dude [ __ ] an alligator money plane some saboteur who thinks or all of human humanity should die brings a worm on board and then the worm uh there's like an alien life form that that transfers to different bodies and turns on everybody into zombies that go home oh god that's a good way of not having to have a creature throughout the whole movie you just had people go yes exactly and throughout the whole movie is is the key phrase because at the end a bunch of zombie bodies blow up but then the creature kind of morphs them all into like like a like a big cgi blob thing with a mouth that is an ugly [ __ ] hey [ __ ] that's what i saw bruce willis shooting yeah so they have and it's for this movie it's not bad looking okay surprisingly decent looking um but the the star of the show is the sets um they have a little like mess hall set that that i think they they even like show like you know dolly shots of it when it's empty to show it off wow a handful of scenes in there um but then they just it's like hallways space cop hallways um and those plastic home depot panels on the walls everything's spray painted like when they're close there's a scene where two actors are talking and there's like close-ups and they're sitting against the wall and you could see where two pieces of styrofoam were butted together to make some kind of weird panel yeah but weren't quite lined up so it's like a little off-centered and it's like right in the shot and so they're just gluing anything to the walls yeah like you know when you buy like computer monitor or tv you know that styrofoam like oh yeah the packaging the framing like [ __ ] glue that to the wall and spray paint it silver just [ __ ] stick anything on the walls that's great it's so dingy and disgusting and awful looking they should have gone with like a clean like clean white spaceship look because it's so grungy looking it's ugly and the whole movie takes place on the spaceship [Laughter] you idiot well actually bruce willis is in this a lot and he has lots of lines and he's kind of like laughing and he's he's actually acting in it oh so i'm going to give credit where credit is due he's actually kind of trying christ how do they do that i don't know i it's an anomaly that's why it's a 20 percenter that's why i said it's literally at the top of of the reviews in in the in this particular cluster of 11 movies uh because he is trying and you know what like as a movie that's just a piece of garbage it is not that bad okay when you uh adjust the curve you know well i guess when you compare it to apex apex threw the curve off the grading curve where apex was so low it brought everything else down so this looks like you know alien [Laughter] or 2001 a space odyssey well there are many in watching just looking at the sets and stuff it reminded me of do you remember when we did space jacks with corbin bernsen yeah the best of the worst yes yes that had really shitty uh shitty spaceship studs who directed this one do you have that on your nose of course i do oh good i'm assuming it's not edward drake i'm convinced edward drake is the worst filmmaker ever no it's not uh this is directed directed by john suits wow so randall emmett the the king of the geezer teasers he wrote uh fortress midnight in the switchgrass edward drake the worst filmmaker ever he wrote some of these movies that he didn't direct yes he wrote apex cosmics and he wrote breach okay and american siege uh but yeah breech uh some zombie makeup they have uh they have a like a like a warp core like a like an engine cord that's just a bunch of fluorescent tubes that light up and then over the course of the production the sign that says like like engine room or warp core is [Music] are you sitting down it's a piece of like the quarter inch foam foam board with like a sticker on it that someone printed out on their home printer oh okay where it's not even glossy are we sure we didn't work on this movie okay i'm pretty sure but at some point somebody banged into it and like bent the corner of the foam board and the sticker and so the corner of it looks like all jagged and [ __ ] up and they have like they have like a that's the sign for the the warp core engine room okay it's made of foam and it's foam and paper it's not even like plastic it's probably more expensive yeah uh so the sets in in their detail are just amazing but to his credit bruce willis is kind of trying and i wanted to point out the the the muzzle muzzle flares in breech are terrible oh sure uh and but they are decent in apex honestly i think they're shooting blanks in apex that would be a shocker if they were because there's that shot where they're like i think the you know he's over there everybody fire your guns away oh the predator shot yeah yes the predator shot and and you can see um shells flying out oh okay which which could very well be a plug-in now but it they look more real and then in the space movie breach they're like very bad they look like like they're like 40 year old plug-in effects and then the flamethrowers are terrible looking too [ __ ] [ __ ] well i watched because we both watched apex you watched breach i watched american siege which is another edward drake join uh and i watching it right after apex again with that the grading curve was like oh this isn't this doesn't look too bad it's one of those things where you look at it from a distance it's like oh this is fine but then you start looking at the details and you're like oh this is this is [ __ ] um it's it's a georgia shot one not in canada it was shot in georgia and everybody has a southern accent and it's all handheld to give it that gritty gritty cop movie look and you add a [ __ ] brown color grade to everything so it looks like a real movie but within the first 10 minutes because you when you think about like the sound you know something's wrong something's wrong because when you think about like sound recording for a movie everyone pictures the guy with the boom pole but a lot of movies also use wireless mics rarely do actors smack their wireless mic oh no like this and the sound is kept in the movie oh my goodness gracious that happens stephanie lewis are you on yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but the plot of this one is bruce willis is a cop he gets a call that a doctor is being held hostage in his house the hostage takers are there because one of them just got out of jail so it's him and his i think it's his brother and his girlfriend and they go uh and hold this doctor hostage because they're convinced that this doctor knows something about what happened to the sister she went missing i don't know what happened to her and they're convinced that the doctor knows something about it he's in some sort of big conspiracy i'm so bored he has a comical fake like bank vault door in his house and they're trying to get it open and it's just got [ __ ] like glued to it like hot glued to it is it made of styrofoam it looks some of the pieces could be made of styrofoam i'm going to find out all you secrets i am but they're like the secret to what happened to his sister's gotta be behind this bank vault door that's in this two-story house um they finally get the bank vault open halfway through the movie and this is a two-story house in georgia and when they walk down it leads to stairs going down into a basement the basement turns out to be like an underground like drug ring where they're like making new drugs and testing the drugs out on like captive people and the bank vault was the door to the underground yeah so they walk down the stairs and they're magically in like like a 20-foot tall warehouse that's supposed to be underneath this residential house even though it's underground there's windows with sunlight shining through okay so between that and the the lady hitting her microphone is like again they're not even trying oh wow but but the big twist of the movie is that uh the sister that went missing she was actually they thought that they like kidnapped her and held her hostage in this drug basement but turns out she was actually like the ringleader of this whole drug operation but also the cops are in on it that's the big twists except for bruce willis he finds out the cops are in on it and then he just walks out of the movie and then i guess he has a change of heart and he comes back and his big clever plan to stop the dirty cops is to just walk up to him one by one [Laughter] i love it that's where you see the bad uh it's a it's like double yeah walking towards the camera yeah he doesn't he just walks up to him and just shoots them just lots of shots i'm just standing there shooting ninety percent of the movie is the cops just standing on the front that's the meat that that's the filler yeah the filler of what we're in the woods they try to send a drone and the the the criminals inside just immediately shoot it down and then that's the end of that yeah because you know when you make one of these ship movies you can't afford the time to have twists and turns different locations yeah different characters you know well the twist i guess is that the cops are in on it that's that's you could have a twist but i mean like you can't afford like multiple locations multiple locations multiple story lines multiple you know they leave the house and then it goes here and there in the middle you you need your setup your ending and then fill the middle stretch the middle [Music] and like apex the the bad guys two of them run into each other then they have an over-the-shoulder uh conversation that goes on for eight minutes where they say yeah i'm i'm i'm a hunter you're a bad guy generic movie dialogue i come here to show who i am on the inside because uh out there in the real world uh you know i'm just this guy and they're here on this island i can hunt down and go and then and then they kill each other and bruce willis goes okay insert shot of bruce looking behind a tree they kill each other one kills the other and leaves then two more find each other and talk for 15 minutes yeah that's that's your meat and then the end so i was wondering about american siege in in breach it's walking around hallways [Music] [Music] one other weird thing going back to bruce willis having an earpiece that feeds him his lines there's one shot in the movie where it shows up so much like they don't even try to hide it in some of these shots but there's one shot where it's like a complete profile and i think they tried to like digitally brush it out because he has like a cavernous void in his ear it's like pure black and i think they like brushed painted that over the frame i think they painted over the the earpiece with like just black so it looks like like pure black inside his ear trying to cover the earpiece trying to hide the earpiece yeah okay okay okay but then like in the next shot yeah but then the next shot you just see it and it's like an extreme close-up of his head so i don't know it's so the earpiece thing is weird to me some shots it's there and then he turns his head and it's the next shot and it's gone bruce willis he went from a hairpiece to an earpiece [Laughter] so that's the ones that we watched in their entirety yes jay um and you you you rented all of these films absolutely i paid money for all of them like like a good citizen you paid to own them yes these are in my digital library you're allowed to have a digital copy of all these movies because you legally bought all of them of course of course and i scrubbed through them okay and i found uh reoccurring things in a lot of them but there are multiple movies where he spends a good bulk of them uh cameron mitchell style just sitting in a chair and then going along with that during action scenes he frequently gets tied to a chair because then you can have an action scene where he doesn't have to do anything and a character just walks up and punches him there's a really weird edit in one where he's tied to a chair and he's getting his face punched and it's clearly it's from behind so it's clearly a body double and then somebody else throws a bomb into the scene and the bomb goes off and it cuts to like a freeze frame of the back of his head close your eyes sir and then just dissolves to the villain laying on the ground and i didn't know what was happening whenever bruce willis gets punched i'm just curious it cuts to the body oh yeah yes he won't it doesn't even cut back and forth there's one shot and i think it's i think it's deadlock it might be fortress i get all these movies mixed up but where it just holds on the villain punching him repeatedly in one continuous shot oh also fortress is a weird one i wish i would have watched the whole thing because every time i skimmed through it i found something great so this is one scene where bruce willis walks in and it's like shannon doherty and a group of characters and even though he doesn't do this in the rest of the movie bruce willis just has a gravelly voice all of a sudden he's like how can i help you guys it's frederick balzari dad that's not possible it's him what does he want me it's like sounds like krusty the cloud [Laughter] well maybe that was like the first scene they shot and then they said well let's lose that ease up on the voice maybe maybe it's it's it's it's like uh christopher nolan's batman but they forgot to say he's up on the voice the entire film oh [ __ ] you'll be in a better jail forever we're supposed to stop we're supposed to tell christian not to do that i'm not wearing hockey pads they're cutting the movie together and they're like christian bale talks like this through the whole thing where are they oh day one line one we said we were going to tell them to stop oh [ __ ] i showed you well i guess we gotta keep it for the next two films keep working old man i'll take you anytime punk it's astounding the level of laziness in these movies is is unparalleled it's shameless it's shameless shameful it should be shameful shameful yeah they are shameless so what's what's your take away from this what is our take away from this what what what what is our takeaway from this we are fascinated you and i we we love movies we love the the movie business well we also love bad movies yes that's true and these aren't funny bad movies no apex comes close but it's very boring they're all boring they're all boring if it was just a junk movie that somebody made for you know a couple thousand bucks and it ended up on streaming and we watched it and but the fact that they have a like like a former a-list celebrity in in them and then they're banking their entire business model on that yeah where they like we don't have to do anything else and there there is there's there's a business angle to it that is fascinating to talk about well there's only a business angle to the movies i guess that's the interesting thing they've completely removed even the like the smallest element of art from any of these and and yes the the movie business is a business um and so yeah you're a director of a film you have x amount of days to complete it you have a budget you know they're it's that fine line between art and entertainment and art and a product yeah and and that's that's fascinating to us but this is like you know where the the levels you know so the scales of justice you know the blind woman with the justice scales where they're just like it's like this where where uh the director has just a razor thin razor thin uh amount of wiggle room for for any kind of artistic expression there's almost zero percent yeah it's like you got to get this shot and you gotta shoot bruce willis's scenes in 48 hours yeah and there's 95 pages of dialogue how are you going to do that well we'll put a [ __ ] earpiece in him and have him in this scene for 12 minutes and he just go go go lie okay get get them in the car going to the golf course we're shooting that scene there go go go go you know and also speaking of the dialogue and the idea not just the dialogue i guess but the whole all the movies are nothing but it's like like they're just writing what sounds like it would be in a movie you know just like the most generic of cliches and conventions my name is jack jack harris i'm a cop my wife uh she died and never trying to like elevate it past that in any way right she's like this is the things you have to put in a movie in order for it to be considered a movie right yeah it it spins my head around well when the movies are this bad i know like like the idea like we talked about the the pre-selling the movies that was something that uh charles band did with like empire pictures he would come up with these posters these fun concepts like dungeon master or like puppet master or whatever and he would pre-sale pre-sell the movies in foreign markets based on the poster all the posters and these are just bruce willis's board face it's just it's just banking on the celebrity's name yeah that's it that's it um and that name will eventually run out of steam or be tarnished yeah like i i kept saying edward drake is the worst filmmaker ever but it's like what stipulations was he given like maybe if he was left to his own devices he would do something better i don't know is he the best filmmaker ever because he able was able to pull this off pull his movies off who knows was he all i know is if you have an actor smack their microphone in the shot you don't leave it in the movie yeah yeah yeah but i don't know how much uh say he had in the editorial process they just gave him the footage and someone went through and used the first take of everything and said i'm done what if it's like like what if edward drake is just like a genius with time management and and and stay she smacked the mic and take it it doesn't matter we have to move on yeah we have to move out we have four hours left with this actor or actress we have to move on it's fine we'll fix it in post we'll remove the bump the you know and then they forgot to do that unbeknownst to him you know you don't know yeah i guess that's the ultimate thing is like yeah the movie is the thing you watch the movie and that's all that really matters we can speculate about behind the scenes stuff but if you're just some random person looking through movies on amazon or whatever hey bruce willis movie and you watch it you're gonna be disappointed yeah it's gonna suck and and also it's it's it's your time too which is more valuable than anything yeah these movies aren't worth right any of your time no there are much better movies any movie literally any movie i i i'm speaking earnestly yeah any movie that's on streaming is worth your time more than any one of these 11 movies yeah but so should people watch them no out of curiosity no no don't support this like we did you've seen enough in these clips now you get it now the word is out the word is out to avoid any movie with bruce willis basically yeah unless it's directed by quentin tarantino that's the only exception i'll take you anytime punk

Channel: RedLetterMedia

Views: 1,860,994

Keywords: redlettermedia, red letter media, red, letter, media, plinkett, half in the bag, mike stoklasa, jay bauman, rich evans

Id: cd1eNS9HtXo

Length: 70min 6sec (4206 seconds)

Published: Sat Feb 05 2022

Reddit Comments

[u/Tarlcabot18]

"Geezer teaser". That one's going into my mental dictionary.

[u/OrbFromOnline]

I would love to see them do more episodes like this that are about an idea or industry trend rather than just a movie or two. I feel like the Jack and Jill episodes are the genesis of this and those are still great to rewatch 10 years later.

EDIT: I made a cut of the entirety of Bruce Willis' on-screen performance in Apex. It's just under 16 minutes total in a 90-minute movie. Most of it is him sitting down or leaning on something talking to a hologram or someone off-screen. Watching while I made the edit, the guys' description as a "fake movie" couldn't be more apt. Almost nothing happens. It's people standing around in the woods talking and pointing guns at each other. (It's copyright blocked on YouTube in South Korea already and it's possible it will be blocked or removed entirely at some point, so enjoy while you can.)

[u/Madmartigan918]

"So Bruce Willis still makes movies?"

"PART TIME!"

[u/hokey]

Having a hard time getting past Mike’s rosie red cheeks

[u/elfinhilon10]

Wanna bet on an old, aging actor losing his charm for clout?

Money plane.

[u/Cranyx]

They keep mentioning how these movies are made like a factory product, with strict limits on number of characters, locations, etc, and it reminded me of a recent episode of the Citations Needed podcast where they interviewed a guy who was hired to work on a Lifetime Xmas movie, and it's the exact same thing. They are given extremely strict limits on how many speaking characters, something like a max of 4 locations, and explicit guidelines on how the plot is supposed to work. Unsurprisingly they also bypass the unions.

https://citationsneeded.libsyn.com/a-very-special-news-brief-hallmarks-anti-labor-churn-a-follow-up-conversation

[u/CELTICPRED]

I think Geezer Teaser is a really great term for this kinda movies that pop up.

How is Liam neeson still getting his in theaters? I keep seeing commercials for Blacklight when I'm watching football these days.

At least Cold Pursuit was enjoyable and had some dark humor in it.

[u/FuckYouZackSnyder]

They can use that quote on the covers!

"I gave this movie five stars!"

-Mike Stoklasa, from Youtube's hit program Half in the Bag

[u/CaptainPicardKirk]

I'm disappointed Mike didn't immediately recognize Neal McDonough in First Contact!