Enneagram: Help For Type 9

hey guys this is dr. Liu you think you for joining me for this video today we're talking about Enneagram type 9 also called the peacemaker and I hope that this video will be beneficial to you and your relationships with people who are type nines or if you yourself are a type 9 I hope you'll find this video encouraging but also I think you'll find it challenging information as well so let's talk about what's going on in the mind and in the heart in the conscious mind maybe the unconscious mind of type nine 9's want to go with the flow they want to get along with people they are often thought of as easygoing people that are kind and peaceful and they are kind of like the lumbering elephant in that there's a lot of power there but they may have a hard time getting initiated into action so they sometimes might be thought of as kind of lumbering lumbering through life lumbering from one person to the next or from one project to the next maybe not like gazelle intensity like running at something not like the lion who has that goal in mind that's driving them the nine tends to be ok with whoever they're talking to at the time and not feeling a need to network and move among people they tend to be happy with whatever project they're on and will focus their attention on the privates not the project that needs to be done and see there's kind of the problem is they'll their content working on the project that's in front of them the talking to the person that's in front of them focusing on whatever is in front of them when maybe there are more important or higher priority items that need to be taken care of they tend to focus on the bright side of life on the positive side of life and the reason of course is because if I focus on the negatives negatives will force me into action and their whole personality is built on how can I be unmoved by others and not move others so they want to be not infringed upon and so if I focus on the positive things of life and I focus on the peaceful side of life then I'm not compelled to action I'd not forced into changing things changing things is not comfortable 4 9 s 9s like to keep things the same predictable stable peaceful change brings conflict conflict is to be avoided they don't want to be infringed upon and they also don't want to infringe on others so they're willing to go along with others to keep the peace and none of this is necessarily conscious they just think that's what you should do you should do whatever it takes to avoid conflict don't make a big deal out of yourself don't in enforce your will on others and then you can have peace with others and so they might get frustrated because other people you know will too sometimes a a more bold or direct path and they think to them why would you choose why would you choose to act like that why would you bring conflict into your life you're doing everything in the hardest way possible why don't you just you know let go of some of that frustration and quit frustrating others so there's where 9s can sometimes get upset is is why are people choosing to be so dominant and forceful and belligerent when they could choose a much more peaceful path Nine's have a strong calming influence on others they tend to think of 9s like quicksand and I don't mean that to make fun of you guys that are nines but you know whatever steps into the quicksand is going to be slowed down and and reality is is there some of us that need to be slowed down that need to you know think before we act a little bit more and and need to you know pause and become more reflective and so whenever you're with a nine you know their tendons see two on you is to kind of slow you down and to sort of like you know make you more at peace and so they have a calming influence on others a mellowing influence mellow is a good word for nines mellow where like with the four is a good word is melancholy that kind of like acceptance of sadness or of you know painful things I think mellow is a good word for nines kind of a calming presence nines really can see everybody's point of view they live at the top of the of the inia gram and from that position they look down on all the other numbers and they really can you know sympathize maybe even empathize with each other person's point of view if you are going through a study on the India gram and you can't decide what number you are you just you you go back and forth like and you can kind of see yourself as every one of the the numbers or types on the intagram there's a chance that you are a nine because that's inherently what it means to be a nine is that you can understand and appreciate and put yourself in every person's shoes and see the perspective of all the other types and that's why it can be hard maybe to to voice your own or be in touch with your own point of view because you so readily see everyone else's point of view and that's what makes nine such good mediators is they under when you have two people that are at opposite ends of a position and see things from a totally different point of view the nine really can arbitrate between both of those because they see both points of view and they are working for peace they're working to negotiate and mediate that conflict because conflict is what is so unacceptable tonight it's because conflict forces you out of your your comfort and comfort is very important the nines comfortable places comfortable people comfortable surroundings and conflict can upset that comfort and that's really what upsets nines is when people are upsetting their comfort so they're good mediators and their superpower is you know to be a supportive steadfast person in your life making people around them feel honored making other people around them feel included nines usually are uncomfortable facing conflict in life and to the point that the danger is is they can accommodate themselves and accommodate their own views so much to other people's views that this is kind of how they lose themselves they they merge with other people dominant people nines you know can take the view and the opinion of whoever they spoke with last and so you know one person comes in with a very strong point of view let's say for example that we need to move the file cabinets to the yellow room and they will voice their opinion and voice all of the reasons and by the time they're done talking the nine says you know I think you're right I think you we need to move the filing cabinets to the yellow room and you know person a walks away and person B comes in and voices their opinion that we need to move the filing cabinets to the green room and they voice all of the reasons and voice all of the purpose for that and by the time they're done the nine will find themselves saying you know I think you're right we need to move the filing cabinets to the green room and they're not trying to play both sides you know they're not trying to jockey people play both sides make everybody like them so that they can get ahead they really can see both points of view and they want to merge with the people that are speaking to them they want to be at peace and keep the relationships peaceful and they can understand both positions and sometimes in that you know find themselves in the middle of conflict or conflict that they're creating because they won't voice their own agenda maybe strong enough or voice their own opinion is strong enough 9 feel like being a separate self you know being true to themselves first of all knowing themselves can be a challenge to nice because in agreeing with people and in getting along with people they some they have to kind of like push down and suppress their own views and their own ideas and their own opinions to the point that they may not really be able to get in touch with those opinions and views and really just be like whatever you wants fine whatever you decide is fine wherever you want to eats fine whatever you you know and so they push down and suppress their own opinions and their own views and their own personality so much that they may have a really hard time being a separate self being a separate self and believing and standing up for their own values and opinions to some nines could seem like an aggressive act to just have an opinion of their own to just stand on their own two feet to just say no you will not talk to me like that or no you cannot use this room it is someone else's turn to use this room I'm sorry to voice opinions and to say no and to stand up for themselves seems like to a nine to be in a grand act of aggression when really you're just holding a boundary you're not you're not pressing in on someone else just holding their own boundary sometimes can can seem like an act of aggression so they may just forget about that and follow other people's opinions or other people's dreams they can literally lose themselves in relationships with others going along to the point that it becomes unhealthy they can empathize so well and put themselves in other people's shoes to the point that they lose themselves and their own shoes they they kind of forget about themselves so much that they lose their own way they can say yes to things that they really should say no to just to be agreeable and just to keep the peace and in fact they may look at you and and listen to what you're saying and say yes but really have no intention of ever following through on any changes or on acting on that decision so they may give and that can frustrate people because you know we might take that as though you're being opt and really that's what it is it's it's remember the nine is in the anger triad the eight and nine and the one and the eight you know that looks very visit visible you can see it the anger coming back at you the one it looks like frustration there they're going around behind you and cleaning up behind you and fixing the things that you left a mess and organizing your mess but for the nines the anger looks more like stubbornness okay it looks more like they're saying yes to what you're saying and agreeing with you but then will they actually follow through is yet to be seen now they may give you some kind of lame excuses why they didn't follow through well I forgot or well the traffic was really bad so I couldn't stop and do X Y & Z I'll get I'll take care of it I'll get those papers in well I tried to but the lady at the counter wasn't there and so there's this there's this stubbornness of wanting to not move wanting to not have to be infringed on wanting to not have to give up there come or change and so their anger can look like stubbornness they can kind of do a disappearing act in life they can fall so far into the background that they almost become invisible because they don't want to be a problem to others because they don't want others to be a problem to them okay see how that works they don't want to be a problem to you because they don't want you to be a problem to them they want you like 1/8 they want you to stay on your side and your lane and they'll stay on their side in their lane but rather than enforce that boundary like 1/8 will like don't come onto my property they'll welcome you on to the property and smile and talk to you and and yes I will take care of that gutter I'll fix that gutter you got it and then the person leaves they don't fix the gutter so they want to not be infringed on so they don't infringe on you and they can kind of do a disappearing act that you know they'll say things like you know don't worry about buying a birthday present for me I know you love me let's eat it whatever restaurant you want to eat at it doesn't matter to me and in that you hear that inherent I don't matter I'm not important I shouldn't be the focus of your priorities and don't don't focus your attention on me whatever you wants fine and so they're trying to not be a problem and they really don't want you to be a problem to them so they feel that their presence and their opinions and their involvement don't really matter that it's of no real particular consequence that may sound terrible to some of you guys that your opinion doesn't matter I mean some of you guys you ate you won XIII's you know that your opinion doesn't matter because some of us you know on the Ania gram we we think our opinion should rule the day and it may sound terrible that Wow how can anybody be like that that they think their opinion does matter but for them that's a comforting thought it allows them to minimize their hopes and their expectations in life so that they won't ever end up feeling frustrated with life or rejected by life or angry or disappointed so it's kind of like they just suppress it all and suppress their will and then I never have to be upset I never have to be you know taken for granted because I take myself for granted it relieves a lot of the pressure of life they can over adjust themselves to others that they have a hard time ever registering their own desires or asserting themselves or understanding and asserting their own agendas in life they don't want their comfort to be affected by other people and they defend themselves against being changed by others so they don't try to change others because they don't want to be changed themselves they maintain a sense of calm and connectedness to the outside which diminishes an awareness of what's going on in the inside so they're very aware of what you want and they're trying to give you what you want but what they lose sight of is what they want they don't know what they want they don't think about what they want and this is how nines get lost is they don't show up fully to life because they're trying to be so agreeable and trying to be so willing to get along that they lose their own identity in a sense in that process so by accommodating to others in a voiding conflict in order to achieve comfort they become somewhat deaf to their own inner voice to their own inner desires and they got to learn to wake up you've got to learn to wake up to yourself I know you're afraid if I wake up and I say out loud what I want to do and I write my priorities down down some goals and set those goals down then that could upset the equilibrium in my relationships that could make people mad that could make people feel like I'm rejecting them they could reject me it could cause all kinds of strife is it going to be worth it think about that is it worth it for you - to say out loud what it is you want to accomplish in life is it worth it for you to show up fully at life these are the things that maybe you've been avoiding in life you wake up one day and you realize you've only kind of been looking half a life the Dominos of everyday are falling you know the time is running out and this is the inherent danger of I mean everybody loves you as a 9 you're so easy to get along with your your whole personality is built around being not being a problem and that's why people are drawn to you remember everybody applauds us for the things that are destroying us that's what the new Graham teaches us the things that that that ruin our lives are what people applaud and and and it's true like with with twos they're selfless giving with the threes that are over accomplishing their fours their need to an ability to differentiate and be different the things that that are applauded are the things that are destroying you so what I mean by that is for the nine is you're working so hard at being agreeable and patient and easygoing that you can lose your identity in that what do you want in life what do you want to accomplish in life what will you say no to you know that old song you got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything what is it you stand for what would you never do are you able to to come up with a list of what it is you you are passionate about you know let me put it like this that makes you special c9s don't think of themselves as special from a Nine's perspective everybody else is special but not me but what is it that makes you special what makes you special is what makes you stand out and different your values your priorities and that's what nine sometimes go to sleep too their own priorities in life so focused on getting along and not being a problem that you lose yourself in the process and then here's the danger guys one day you're gonna wake up and maybe by then you'll be an old person and you'll realize you know I just kind of went through everyday sort of like a zombie half alive not really awake to what I wanted to accomplish her that I needed to accomplish in life okay so inertia can be a very positive thing for Nine's the enemy of the nine is gravity gravity it just pulls just that it's that quicksand I was talking about gravity just holds you back it just keeps you from taking the step forward I don't want to be a problem I don't want to cause problems I don't want to so you just lay low and diminish yourself but why should you be any more diminished than anybody else what makes you not worth listening to why should we not hear what you think maybe you have the right answer but are you gonna speak up and share that answer or share that agenda or share that need or that desire probably not not unless you start working through your own unhealth you have something to say you have some contribution to make and we need to hear what it is and just getting along with everybody is not the goal in life it may become your goal but it's not the goal you should have you should have a greater goal for your life than just do what it takes to minimize myself to get along and not be a problem you have more to offer than that and you need to get in touch with what it is that you have to offer and then offer that and yes you're going to upset some people along the way and they're gonna be there's gonna there may be conflict as a result of it the conflict isn't always bad lots of good things can happen as a result of conflict conflict is not the the greatest thing to be feared the greatest thing to be feared is to never wake up to what you're supposed to be doing in life okay so nine resists allowing themselves to be upset nines resists allowing themselves to feel pressure they want to not be pressured by anybody on any side so they can become extremely passive extremely compliant extremely complacent and even to the point of being unresponsive to tuning out and zoning out and really going to sleep I've got some good friends that are nines I've got a daughter that's a nine and one of the things that nines tell me that I just can't even understand as a seven is that they have within them sort of like an empty box where they can just mentally go when things are unpleasant or when things are boring or when things are tedious when things are boring for me is a seven I start to I start to get energy you like come on let's go do something and I start looking for ways to distract myself away from the boredom that's my own health okay but the nines on health is that when there's tension or when they're when conversations in the meeting or talking about things that don't involve them they can just kind of zone out I mean even at dinner even at dinner they'll tell me even at dinner like out at the restaurant with family they can just zone out into an empty box and just can be completely checked out they hear people talking but they don't hear the words that are being said they're just they're conscious but uh unconscious and then they'll come back in after five minutes or ten minutes or sometimes longer and say yep everybody's still talking so zoom back out empty box a box of nothing there we go so nines could be physically alive and geographically present while being completely unavailable they're not here they're not there the sin of the nine is sloth or laziness and I think it's not like I've seen nines that are incredible workers so it's not that they they don't like to work it's just more in the sense of the sloth of whatever is in front of me is worth doing I don't want to prioritize and insert my will and assert my will to say these projects are worth doing and those projects can be put on hold that could seem like kind of aggressive to a nine and so that sloth of just whatever is in front of me whatever you know is I'm facing then that's what I'm gonna be working on and it could be a crossword puzzle you may have a stack of paperwork that needs to get done at work but you'll focus on finishing a crossword puzzle or you'll focus on finishing a puzzle on your dining room table or you'll focus on you know finishing that television episode you know because that's what I'm doing right now and so this takes priority over the actual jobs that need to get done that sense of sloth of being comfortable with nothing sweatpants TV show your favorite sandwich you know your favorite dr. pepper whatever your drink is and I'm more than content with just a day off and not doing anything I know is a seven I get nervous when we're not doing anything but nines that's what you enjoy is not doing anything you can literally just do nothing and and be fine with that and that's great on your time down but when you're doing that when you need to be accomplishing goals that's when sloth can can rule your life and become your sin so that apathy that comes from sloth now if ones live with an inner critic in their minds always telling them they're not measuring up they could have done better they could have started sooner and tried harder sixes you know have an inner wolf pack six is their sin is fear one sin is anger six is sin is fear sixes are like they always have this Wolf Pack that's about to get them so they have to be prepared they have to take caution they have lots of anxiety issues because this Wolf Pack is chasing them down when nines starting to become unhealthy they can kind of hear that Wolf Pack we'll talk more about that in a second they start to hear the drum beats of the you know the the wolf pack chasing them ones have an inner critic sixes have an inner Wolf Pack 9s have an inner sanctum or an inner sanctuary where they're at peace and where nothing is allowed to come in and disrupt that peace and if you disrupt that peace guess what that's when you'll see the anger type come out in a nine what makes nines angry is when you push on them and push on them and push on them when you start poking at them and you start telling them what to do and you're relentless about it at first they'll be agreeable and they'll go along but that continued push on them into their inner sanctum that disruption on them is what eventually like a dormant volcano will erupt and they will lose it and they it will scare them because they didn't know it was there all right so the eight think of the eight is like The Geysers they go off every 15 minutes Shh all this heat and steam but there may not be a lot of actual there's a lot of energy okay and there's a lot of steam but there may not be a lot of lava in it people are afraid of the 8 because of all that steam and noise and energy but they may not actually you know hunt you down and get you there just sometimes a lot of steam and a lot of noise and a lot of exciting right and it's often and it happens often the one is more like the typical volcano that you know when it does erupt real lava comes out of it all right and that anger comes out and that frustration and upset comes out okay but it doesn't go off near as often as the eighth's geysers do because ones are trying to be good so they hold it all in longer they're frustrated and they're angry and they're upset but they have they do better at holding it in because it's not good to let it all out they don't they look at the eighth leg where that person needs to control themselves so they do they control themselves when it comes out it comes out like lava not just steamy geysers but real lava it's upset it's anger it's hurtful words it's condemnation it's criticism the the nine sits right in the middle is like the dormant volcano that nobody ever expects is going to erupt and so what people build a village around them right and then when they start building that village a little too close to be comfortable and they start infringing on the comfort of that nine guess what happens the nine just like the one can explode in rage and in anger and it can be devastating because nobody thought it was in there nobody saw it coming it's a surprise to everybody and a surprise to the nine and they're gonna feel awful about it because you know that's not they they don't want to - for that to happen but it can happen from time to time so don't upset the inner sanctum of the nine it's a place where they can go for sanctuary but here's the danger of it everybody needs sanctuary right but sometimes they can go there to sort of like avoid life there's where you get lost avoiding life life isn't something to be avoided I understand we all need a little break a holiday a vacation sometimes and I wish some of us were better at having some inner sanctum but living in the inner sanctum is not the same as living life okay so let's see what else doo doo doo doo doo they can be content with their oversized chair they can be content with their familiar food their special sandwich the simple pleasures of life that's what makes nines happy and the enemy of course is gravity if you're married to a nine and you have a problem with them let's say you have a disagreement of some kind which they're going to do everything they can do to avoid usually or to minimize it if now if you have a nine wing eight they might be a little bit more geyser ish than the nine wing one but if if you have a disagreement and a marriage problem or something with a nine here's what I want you to understand they are secretly hoping that you will work out this problem on your own without their help they don't want to get involved in it they don't want to be in the middle of conflict if there's something if there's something wrong in the marriage or in the home understand the nine is secretly wishing and hoping that it will just go away because they don't want to be moved they don't want to be challenged they don't want to be changed they're hoping that it will just take care of itself it will just blow over but we all know that sometimes problems don't just blow over sometimes they have to be addressed and dealt with their anger shows up okay I already talked about that as quiet stubbornness and an unwillingness to change keeping the harmony in the group at the cost of pursuing the mission sometimes all right so peace and comfort peace and comfort are found in the routine daily activities the routines of life they can tune out their problems rather than focusing on their goals for life they're just kind of trying to get through today just trying to get through life they can tune in so much to their routines and pleasure their simple pleasures that they can distract themselves from the internal deadness that they would feel if if they got in touch with their own sense of themself but eating snacks watching reruns hanging out with friends playing video games living vicariously through others through their kids through their kids activities can keep them that their own keep them from realizing that their own lives have kind of stalled out there is a part of them that does not want to admit to having priorities in life exercising your own will can cause quarrels and frustration with others and so they kind of have a hazy daydreaming quality to them they may have strong feelings about an issue but their feelings don't always connect into meaningful action so 9 they can think and feel in a dreamlike state that doesn't correspond to action or they can do actions in a routine way separated from their thinking and feeling centers okay I'm gonna make videos about that later so that we can understand it better how our thinking action and feeling centers relate to one another but for the nine they can do actions in routine way or they can think and dream and feel over here but it may not translate into action so they may have a lot of ideas and dreams but to move those into action seems like sometimes a huge huge roadblock for the nine nines love phrases therefore like catchy little quotes like oh the Lord will work it out the Lord will work it out or it's all in God's hands now or you know I don't have to worry God's got this they love to repeat those kinds of phrases because in effect what they're saying is I don't have to do anything I don't have to take action God's got this and it's great to have faith that God's got this you know a lot of us could learn from that but that's not the same thing is I like the idea when your boats swamped with water pray but then also Bale the water okay you got to pray but you also Bale the water they find a comfort in routines when they turn on their laptop you know they'll probably do run through the same list every time of I checked this website then I checked that website then I checked my mail and then I you know and so they'll go through the same operating routine every time because it's comfortable in the same order every time checking those websites in the same order telling a nine to come home by a different route from work it could be very upsetting to the nine if you said hey honey I need you to go by the grocery store on your way home and find this product that you don't know where it's at is almost an overwhelming thought to most nines because now they've got to go home by a different route so they have to engage the thinking center of their brain they can't just be in the routine action so first of all I've got this challenge I've I got to go to I got to go home a different way remember to stop at the grocery store go looking for an item that I don't know where it is probably have to talk to one of the sales associates in order to find it this is overwhelming this is not something that they want to get they probably don't want to go on this mission and they and they might not do it in stubbornness they might not do it and when they come home and you say hey did you pick up that item from that soy sauce from the grocery store oh yeah and you'll hear an excuse oh yeah I forgot or well I heard on the news that the traffic was there was an accident there and so you get some kind of lame story about why they didn't do it there's the stubbornness of the nine some of you guys are getting today and it's good for you to get caught alright so we talked about going to sleep to life easy to get along with I think of a quintessential example of a nine let's do some examples from current movies TV shows to give you a picture of what nine nine the look like I think one of the best examples of what a nine is is Harry Potter I mean here's a guy that literally grows up you know an orphan unwanted or his family's dead his parents are dead so he's he's unwanted he's in a home with family that rejects him and you know he doesn't get birthdays he doesn't get Christmas he lives under the stairs with the cobwebs and the spiders his you know his cousin or whatever it is has two bedrooms and harry has none and he just wants to get through life he doesn't intend to be a problem but but if you think about that story all throughout those movies or those books life is happening to harry life is pushing him when he doesn't want to be pushed the nine i think feels like that that life is something that happens to you life moves you even if you don't want to be moved and so the best thing you can do is minimize yourself live under the stairs and just accept things the way they are and lower your expectations and you'll be okay Luke Skywalker I think is a nine who just is out there on whatever planet he's from and he finds that there's this galactic battle going on and he needs to get involved in it and he at first resistance says I can't I've got to plow the fields I've got to work the farm I am I there's the nine Who am I what difference could I make I'm nobody there's plenty of people more talented more gifted more close to the fight than I am I'm nothing that's the nine okay that sense of why would anybody pick me how could I be a wizard how could I ever be a Jedi okay Jerry gergich from Parks and Recreation Gary Jerry whatever name you want to call me is fine he'll answer to it right doesn't want to cause problems toby flenderson from the office i think is a nine winnie-the-pooh is a nine he's literally just kind of going about his day hoping to find honey not causing problems not being a problem just trying to find honey for today okay simple pleasures Bob Ross the painter you know with the happy trees Bob Ross a lot of singers are nines a lot of the this the vocal standard singers like Tony Bennett Perry Como Bean Crosby Andy Williams some of the things I saw said Dean Martin is also a nine I kind of think Dean Martin might be a seven but I'm open to it Jack Johnson you know banana pancakes you know John Denver is a nine think about John Denver and contrast him with somebody like say Jule all right Jule who sings these foolish games are breaking my heart and tearing me apart you hear the angst in that the longing the the Who am I and my identity and and searching for this desperate this desperation searching for real love and and then think of John Denver he's literally writing songs like Bob Ross painting pictures of trees and rivers and and happy streams and happy you know snow scenes John Denver's writing songs about what trees and rocks and mountains and old guitars and flying on airplanes and back home again and being a country boy it's the simple pleasures of life it's sitting up on a mountain and smoking marijuana with your friends what could you ask for more than just you know getting high with your friends under a starry sky that's nine stuff all right Kevin Spacey again I'm not saying all nines or drug addicts no I'm not saying that Kevin Spacey John Candy a lot of funny people are nines John Candy Jeff Daniels think Dumb and Dumber okay Lloyd a7 Jim Carrey and Harry a nine okay think about like I'm home and home alone the angry eight Joe Pesci Marvin Harry I think Harry was the eight the angry one and Marv the nine who goes along with him you know his best ideas were the sticky bandits we're the Wet Bandits you know there's his there's his identity there's his name sticky ban is going along with you know the eight or in you know dumb and dumber I'll Drive the the big dog car you know and Lloyd who says we're gonna go to Colorado we're gonna go do this we're the assertive eight the certif seven and the nine goes along with them okay Will Ferrell is a nine most of his movies are about what's happening to him and how he's just trying to manage the situation Ray Romano is a nine Kevin James is a nine think of Doug and Carrie okay think of ray and Debra and Everybody Loves Raymond Debra's at two Raymond's at nine okay and Raymond's stuck between his family his dad is an eight his mom is a two three three two somewhere in there probably a two three Debra's probably a to one and raised stuck between one powerful force his wife and the other powerful force his parents and he's trying to moderate that situation that's what the show is about or think of Kevin James in in King of Queens his wife a powerful eight carry his crazy father-in-law who's a for Arthur and Doug pretty much doesn't want to wants to be unchanged wants to wear sweat pants doesn't want to be a manager wants to drive his truck finds peace and comfort and the simple things a sandwich and go into the bar and getting a drink with his friends okay watch the show from that perspective John Goodman with Roseanne and 8:00 okay Kevin Costner Matt Damon Alec Guinness James Earl Jones Woody Harrelson Jimmy Stewart I haven't seen this but I think probably Andy Griffith is a 9 Clint Eastwood is a good example of a 9 he looks like an 8 but he's not an 8 Clint Eastwood think about this the cowboy movies from the 60s right what's his name he's the cowboy with no name why because for a nine who I am is not important he doesn't even have a name what does he do he goes into a little town tries to be unnoticed finds this bad guy is fighting with that bad guy and it's ruining life for the villagers and so he tries to ignore it it just goes in for a shave he just goes in for a drink gets caught up in the middle of a conflict and the nine-eight which is what Clint Eastwood is is the referee called the referee gets caught up in a conflict that he has to settle shoots the bad guys and then what rides out of town wants to be left alone wants to leave others alone and the only time he was moved to action is when he's forced into action and then he blows up like a dormant volcano kills off the bad guys and then leaves okay Clint Eastwood good example of what it looks like to be a 9:00 wing 8 Gary Sinise Morgan Freeman Audrey Hepburn Grace Kelly Dwight Eisenhower Gerald Ford Abraham Lincoln the list goes on and on and on Gandhi Norman Rockwell and here's another cool one Walt Disney the nine wing one so the nine wing eight is called the referee the nine wing one is called the dreamer okay Walt Disney Norman Rockwell and I'll show you another great example of an of a nine wing one mr. Rogers mr. Rogers is a nine now think about this guy's mr. Rogers had a very simple message throughout the decades that his TV show was on what was that message you are special you are special there's nobody in the world like you that's his message you are special but if you were to sit down with Fred Rogers in an interview and ask him mr. Rogers are you special my guess is he would probably say oh no no no there's nothing about me that's special I'm just an ordinary guy just blessed to do such a work you know see you're special the nine doesn't think of themselves that they are special remember the song that he used to sing it's such a good feeling to know you're alive it's such a happy feeling that you're growing inside c9s we we all tend to not only look at the world from our own perspective but then prescribe prescribe that world to others in other words to think everybody should be nice ones think not only should they be good but everybody ought to do the right thing right nein look at what he says it's such a good feeling to know you're alive you know what the problem is for a nine sometimes they don't know they're alive they're so agreeable to everyone else that they take themselves out of the picture so the question I would have for mr. Rogers the question I would have for all of the nines out there is are you are you alive let's meet you how about you show up and voice Europe a law that will get you that'll make people upset it might but maybe some of the people that are around you that you've been friends with aren't really your friends they're friends with you because you're so daggone likeable and agreeable but if you actually voiced up what your opinion was what your ideas were what your thoughts and planes and dreams were you might find that those people that you call your friends are not really they don't even care about you maybe that's at the end of the day what could be hard to face and you know what the other thing is too is if you really tap down deep inside you may find a scary thing for you is you don't really care about them either you just want to be left alone you just want to be not messed with you may not even care about them I've known nine that when they really think about it they don't even like the person they're married to but what they like is the energy that person brings into their life so maybe they're married to an eight or maybe they're married to a three or maybe they're married to a one and the person drives them nuts but they can't imagine not being with them because they feed off of the energy of that other person they feed off of that seven just like in home alone and in dumb and dumber the nine feeds off the energy of the eight or feeds off the energy of the seven you may find that really what your relationships are about is you're just feeding off the energy of the people around you but when you really stop and think about and say are these people good for me you know is Sarah being a good friend to me you may find I don't even like Sarah I need to cut ties with Sarah Sarah is bringing me down but I can't imagine not being a relationship with seven with Sarah so you just keep going along with people that are not good for you maybe not good for you but you don't take the time to assess and insert and assert your will and say you know what I deserve better friends than this I deserve to be treated better than this people ought to hear what I think and if they don't like it you know that's okay they can go in their own direction I can go in mine okay so let's see let me say it like this you're a very well man think of mr. Rogers well-mannered mild mannered at peace here's the here's the thing that maybe you don't think about those a night to what expense to yourself are are you being that mild-mannered in other words what is it costing you to suppress your frustrations and desires so much in life in order to be that mild-mannered to what expenses it to you in other words it's costing you something to be that darn likeable it's costing you something to be that agreeable it's it's taking its toll on you and it can show up in all kinds of ways ulcers panic attacks disorders eating disorders it can take its toll on you this living in the background this living under the stairs can take a lot of expense of energy from you that you may not even be conscious of and this is why I think sometimes 9s can literally go to sleep during a show during a movie sitting on the couch in conversation with people they can check out they can blank out zone out and actually physically go to sleep why because they have no sense of how exhausting it is they have no awareness of how exhausting it is to be this likeable disagreeable and what a toll it's taking on your personality what a toll your personality is taking on your personhood there we go man that's good stuff I hope you Nine's know I'm trying to be your friend I can see from my own perspective by reading studying living with nines talking with nines I can see from a different perspective what this is doing to you and I hope you take this as a friend I don't want to ruin your life I'm not trying to intrude on your life or impose on your life I just want to be a voice that connects with your own inner voice and says what do you want in life if you were to wake up and you were to show up fully what would you be doing right now would you be doing what you're doing would you be working the job you're working would you be the friendships that you're in to take us take a second and really think about it engage your thought and feel our thoughts and feelings and then decide maybe some new actions need to happen in life get out of the routine get out of the quicksand for a minute okay so we talked about the nine eight the referee think about that guy's a referee referees aren't players let that sink in for a second referees are in the game whether or not players Harry Potter's a referee he's quiet he's mild-mannered until somebody's picking on somebody and then he intervenes and he gets in the middle of it and he tries to settle it and he uses his powers to settle it and then he goes back to the background again referees aren't players they're observers just let that sink in for a second this is the whole problem right here are you an observer to life or are you a player on the field in life think about that okay the 9-3 is the dreamer dreamers also guess what aren't players they're not awake they're asleep that's why they're dreaming okay let us think in unhealthy withdrawn Ines will dice integrate into compliant scared anxious driven sixes let's do it the other way let's talk about the threes in Health withdrawn nines become like assertive threes so the average mild-mannered withdrawn nine says you know what I've got a vision to accomplish something so like think Walt Disney think mr. Rogers okay they have a dream to accomplish something and then they go and do it they're there they throw the line out and hit a target and then that's the goal and then they move toward the goal that's what nines look like when they're healthy they look like threes they look like achievers think about that within every nine is a sleepy three that if woken up would what would prioritize what they want to accomplish in life catch a vision and a dream throw out a gauntlet and say this is what I want to accomplish and then go and do it that's within you as a nine and the cool thing is is if you wake up to that you will do it in such a better way than a three does it a three can't go to sleep at night because their goals keep them awake the cool thing about being a nine is you can tap into that driven us and then go home and relax and go to bed and not stay up all night worried about whether or not you're you're a person of worth or value or worried about whether or not people are trying to subvert your goals you can literally go home and just relax and leave work at work what a great thing but when threes are when nines are unhealthy you know what they start hearing the the beating of the drums that the six years they start hearing the warning beating beat out drums beat out they hear the wolf pack in other words they've sat around so long that now the papers do and the anxiety starts to creep up and they're worried about they're gonna lose their relationships and they're worried about offending people and they're worried about losing their job and now they're moved to action but not because it's a goal but because of fear like a six okay in the same way a six can be moved to action because of fear and you can just put your you know thumb on your pulse and decide for yourself how healthy am I do I move to action when I move to action as a nine am i moving to action because it's a goal I've set for myself and I'm trying to accomplish something great or might move to action because I ran out of options I ran out of time and now it's this it's do or die then you know you're living in on health as a nine you start to feel that anxiety of sixes as children nines tried to keep a low profile in their family by not asserting themselves they just decided for the happiness of the family it's better if I just noticed what a sad thing it's better if I disappear and what they're the kind of the operating system they have is if I'm a low maintenance child and I stay out of the way then my family could stay together okay the basic fear is a fear of the of separation or a fragmentation that everything's gonna break apart the family's gonna break apart my stability is gonna break apart and so that fear keeps you from being a problem don't be a problem because you'll break everything apart so the basic desire for the nine is to have inner stability and peace of mind and wholeness so that's what their personality is geared to try to accomplish the message that they tell themselves is I'm good and okay as long as everybody around me is good and okay so I've got to work hard to try to keep everybody good and okay the way to be happy is to keep everybody else happy and not be a problem avoid conflict and preserve things the way they are don't allow anybody to upset my equilibrium and don't upset others equally equilibrium and then they try to defend that everything is okay in the world is view that everything is OK in the world the basic thing they're saying about themselves is I'm a peaceful easygoing person but the hidden complaint is I would be much more peaceful and easygoing if people would stop bothering me is if everybody would quit pressuring me to change so their tactic is to avoid conflict by not asserting themselves or making their desires known or taking a strong position by being direct with people this all feels like aggression to them they don't want to disrupt or destroy the harmony that exists and so this simmering anger sort of goes unnoticed beneath the surface and they simply just become unselfconscious unaware of themselves and mistakenly think their presence doesn't matter and their engagement in life doesn't matter and their input doesn't matter and that they themselves don't matter and they operate under that assumption I'm nobody special and what I have to say and what I have to is not really important and if you're in a relationship with a nine let me tell you a never ever behavior never talk over a nine which guess what we all do talk over nines because if you talk over a nine you've just solidified that lie in their head that what they have to say isn't important and they will just look down and they will let you talk over them and they will lose what it is they were gonna say and they'll just say to themselves I knew what I had to say wasn't important so if you're in a relationship with a nine you can decide real quick am I being a good partner for this nine then quit talking over them listen to what they have to say try to draw out their desires from them in other words say where do you want to eat tonight for dinner the nine will say I don't care doesn't matter to me whatever you want so then what you do is give them back to suggestions and say well would you rather eat it would you rather eat at Taco Bell or at McDonald's and then wait and let them think about it because what you're forcing them to do is prioritize to get in touch with their own inner voice think about it what is their preference and then force them to say it out loud and then support it and say Taco Bell sounds great let's go to Taco Bell it's like a muscle that you're getting them to work what do you want I'll go along with you because that's what they want to do they want to go along with your agenda so you try to find out what their agenda is and then go along with it never talk over a nine if you live with a nine you know how funny this is because we do we do talk over just like we take a two for granted never take a two for granted never tell the one that they're wrong and criticize them never try to control the seven okay never talk over a nine all right we've got to wrap this up I'm going over my time I want to go too so let's just talk about steps to healing one to ten will keep - I'll say these as fast as I can if you're nine what's what do you do what's your steps to healing how you wake up to yourself number one stop just going along with others to keep the peace try to get in touch with what you want it's impossible to really be loved by people if if they don't really know you because you won't let them know you because you think you don't matter number two exert yourself and force yourself to pay attention to what's going on in life don't go to sleep to life recognize when you're zoning out and then bring your attention back to what's happening in front of you number three recognize your anger for what it is and your anxiety for what it is and allow yourself to become more aware of your own feelings number four honestly examine how you've contributed to the problems you have in your relationships by zoning out to them by trying to sacrifice your piece of by sacrificing your will to keep things okay has caused maybe an underlying frustration within you toward the people in your relationships number five exercise more frequently get in touch with your body get in touch with your your your emotions walking every day would be a good exercise for you try to get in touch with how you're feeling because that's one of the things you shut down as your feelings try to get in touch with your feelings and how you're feeling about life exercise can help do that number six repressing your feelings instead of dealing with them is almost a sure way to have aches and pains and sickness in your life migraines panic attacks nausea back aches all these things could be the result of you forcing down all of these feelings and just ignoring them number seven don't start using drugs or alcohol to tranquilize yourself ok tranquilizing yourself is not the direction you need to go in waking yourself up is the direction you need to go in number eight recognize that you may come to the end of your life and realize that you've never lived so accept the magnitude of what it means to be alive to tap into your own goals to tap into your own dreams to tap in your own desires in life number nine trust yourself to ventilate your anger with your friends your spouse say are these relationships stable enough that I could be real and speak up okay and then test that and do it and sometimes it may cause conflict but conflict isn't the end of the world it's worth it to vocalize your own views your own opinions trust your marriage the strength of your friendship and if your friends can't handle you speaking the truth then maybe they're not really your friends number ten one of the greatest assets you have is your receptivity to people others feel calm and safe around you but they will love you and seek you out even more if they feel you understand them and are attentive to their needs so listen to people carefully get to know get to know them yes but let them know who you really are if you just merge with everybody then you're no longer a distinct person you can't keep peace between yourself and others because for all practical purposes you agree with everybody so be yourself know yourself be yourself be your own identity and let people realize what a great person is inside there all right guys thank you guys as always like comment subscribe be present to life for 9s that means showing up and being you not some version of you that it's easy to get along with but let your voice let your desires let your will be made known and show up fully to life see you guys in blessings

Channel: Dr. Tom LaHue

Views: 74,567

Rating: 4.9432626 out of 5

Keywords: enneagram, personalities, family, marriage, parenting, wife, husband, home, love, enneagram 9, enneagram nine, enneagram type 9

Id: E2uv7pPl_0Y

Length: 65min 37sec (3937 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 08 2019