The Enneagram: Help For Type 6

hey guys thank you for joining me for another video today we're talking about Enneagram six and I want to offer some help and some encouragement for those of you who are identifying yourself as a six or you live with those and your family or friends that that are six help you understand a little bit better about what's going on in the mind and heart of a loyal skeptic as you were called and how you can better relate to those in your life or how you as a six competitor relate and understand what's going on within your mind and with your with your so you can better relate to yourself and to others so the sixth you know is called the loyal skeptic and I think that's a fairly good term because there's there's kind of a dichotomy that seems to be going on within the six is on the one hand they you want to be loyal more than anything you want to be loyal but you're very skeptical of those that you're loyal to whether or not they're going to reciprocate that loyal devotion back to you I think one of the ways to simply understand the six from the beginning is sixes are loyal because that's what they need from you they want you to be loyal to them they want to know that you're dependable you're going to be reliable that you're gonna be there to help them to give them assistance as they're working through their problems solutions now that you're giving them solutions but that you're there to help them process problems to get to a solution they want and need you to be loyal to them and so that's what they are to you and to the institution's they work with but there's always this kind of level of suspicion that maybe you're not going to be there for them maybe you're not really as reliable and trustworthy as I hope you are and so there they tend to have sort of a suspicious nature to them as well and essentially what's going on I believe in the in the sixth at the the jamup you know because all of us on the India Graham we have sort of a jamup where there's a monkey wrench you know thrown into our system and I think the jam up the monkey wrench for the six is they have a hard time coming to the it's as if their guidance system their ability to trust themselves and knowing whether or not the risk is acceptable for whatever decision they're making it's as if their guidance system to them is not trustworthy which is ironic because they probably have the best guidance system of all of us I mean they have disciplined themselves worked this muscle of resolving and solving problems that's what they do constantly is they're constantly evaluating threats foreseeing problems resolving problems and the rest of us would lean on them to help us solve our problems but they themselves don't necessarily trust their ability to reason things out and come to a conclusion in fact they may go seek an expert's advice for a problem that they're there they're worried about and then you know seek out three or four experts read books read articles and then by the time they get to the end of all of that thought and research and problem solving they may be just as confused as when they started now they've got more information more information than anybody could deal with and and at the end of all of that seeking out of information they may be just as frustrated and just as overwhelmed with what to do now now that they know so much about this now what do I do and so the six it's like they're thinking center and they are right in the middle of that thinking center on the india gram is separated from their feeling and actions so they're feeling fear which is the the passion of the six or the sin you might say of the six is fear and they're feeling the fear and they know they need to act ok so that's what's going on there's fear and there's action there's the feeling of fear there's that sense of what do I do you know this this could go wrong this could go bad we could lose everything they might coming and you know you may be the boss said that they're going to do some reading at work what does that mean what does that mean for me what what could happen worst-case scenario starts to play in their mind so they're feeling the fear of the anxiety and they want to take action but the thinking Center has been separated from that and from that process and so they're not necessarily sure they can evaluate the situation without assistance and help from others and so they're looking for people that will be loyal to them who will walk with them on this journey and help them process the information they can talk it out and think it through and they need that support or they feel like they need that support so that's what they value so that's what they demonstrate as being a good friend they're going to be supportive and they're going to be loyal to you meanwhile they're always kind of looking over their shoulders wondering if you're really going to come through for them wondering if you really are gonna have their best interests in mind they're looking for authority figures that they can trust they're looking for the right person in office so that person will keep us safe the right manager will keep us safe and keep us secure and so they're very driven very focused and very intentional towards those things that they think will make them safe and secure because they're lacking that you know most of us on the inia gram the rest of us we know that you know there's a risk yeah we kind of wait on our head we're gonna be all right it's no big deals you know and really the reality is most of the things we worry about in life are not game Enders for us in fact the things that our game Enders we don't pay attention to like the way we eat you know and the kind of foods we eat and how we're driving and that kind of stuff we often don't pay attention to that we get worried about things that often we can't do anything about and most of us I think we just kind of go yeah it's probably gonna work out that's not a big deal yeah it's not a game ender you know at worst I might embarrass myself a little bit if I do the wrong thing or worse I might have to apologize to somebody it's not the end of the world well six is you know they kind of think like it could be the end of the world it really could be the you lose our we could lose our jobs we can end up homeless week ended up on the street we can have destitute we could end up you know trafficked and it goes worst case scenario I feel like I've got some good experience with sixes not only do I interact with a lot of them but one of my daughters of our five kids one of our daughters is a six and my mom is a six six winged five my daughter's a six week seven and so I have a lot of interaction with the worst case scenario what might happen and stop and think now you know there's always that sort of like stop and think and stop and what can we worry about today you know what can we be upset about today what can what could go wrong today and there's always that sense of dread you know that if I do the wrong thing here and if I mess up then I might just lose it all sixes you know again we don't know why people end up the numbers they end up but there's they we can always kind of go back and think about it you know and kind of speculate and one of the speculations of sixes and the way they relate to their parents is the six something's going on with the dad you know in the life of the six that maybe moves them toward that sickness again I don't know I mean maybe we're born this way or maybe it's just what it may not be that our parents make us this way it may just be the message that we heard growing up because we're tend to be wired toward a certain you know toward a certain Ania gram number from the beginning I don't I don't know I don't claim to know I don't know if anybody knows but with sixes they'll say that the research says that you know there's something going on with the dad the protective figure in their life you know like maybe their dad wasn't there for them or wasn't wasn't supportive of them or wasn't didn't give him the sense that they were safe or maybe their dad was one of those kind of dads that that came home and one night he's happy and and the other night he's angry he's drunk he's grumpy you know and the next night he comes home he's dancing around on the floor and everybody's happy and and so the six the radar goes up you know with dad am I gonna is dad gonna be happy dad today or is dad gonna be upset dad today I don't know so I gotta have my radar up and every little clue that I see you know the the the the car door slam when he pulled up in the drive is he stomping up to the steps or is he whistling when he comes up to steps so the radar the six is always up listening is there is what kind of data we got today is this happy dad is this angry dad is this a threatening situation or is this a comforting situation I think it could work the other way too maybe you had a great day maybe you as a six had a wonderful dad but there's that fear that well what what happens when I grow up and I leave home and dad's not there anymore to protect me or what happens if you know I don't find a guy like dad who kept me safe who made sure I was always safe and protected and guarded so what happened if I lose that in my life and that and the that same kind of fear starts to you know and so I don't know that you can say that well you had a bad dad that's why you're six no I think you could had a very good dad that provided that and maybe you didn't have any dad I don't know but that that's kind of the what you were gonna read if you do a little research on you know the childhood message of the six was you're not going to be protected so you better protect yourself and that's kind of the childhood message that the six the six got so the fear of the six is I'm in a world without support and why do you need support because you don't trust your own guidance system you don't you're afraid that you're not gonna be able to figure it out and which is again ironic because they're the ones always figuring they're the problem solvers I mean they are the problem solvers but they don't at the end of the day feel like that they can make a decision sometimes not always but this is their struggle is and I'm sure the healthier they are the more they just realize that there's always gonna be a risk and they make decisions but that's the shenanigan going on in the six is they they're not sure that they can trust themselves when making a decision so they want to reach out to you and say what do you think what do you and they want you to be a reliable source for them that they can depend on and if they get the sense that you're not dependable like if for example if you lie to them and they catch you in that lie it might be over and they may never forget that because what happened is the alarm went off and they now can identify you you're not a reliable source so I need to move on and find somebody else that is a reliable source or if you don't seem to appreciate the significance of the potential problem that they're facing if you just blow it off and say you know they bring to you a problem for example and they say you know we're not getting paid this weekend we're you know whatever and this could be a real problem and you go yeah it's probably gonna work out you blow it off you say yeah it's no big deal yeah it's probably okay my kid didn't make the soccer team and I hope that they're not upset yeah it's okay you know then other chance will come up and you blow that off you blow off their problem they might get the sense that you can't evaluate this problem as significant or not so how can I depend on you and I really do face a problem so you're not a very good dependable very reliable source for me to trust in so I better not trust in you so there's where that skeptic comes in see loyal but skeptical and so they want authority figures in their life and companions in their life that they can trust and depend on but they're suspicious as to whether or not they're really going to find those people and the reality is is you can trust yourself but that's that's what they have a hard time believing is you can trust your own inner guidance system you don't necessarily need all of these people in your life that will support you you feel like you do and we get that that's your impulse your impulse that your personality creates is that you feel like you need all these reliable sources in your life that you can depend on but the reality is is you don't any more than any rest of us do we all need companions in life and we all want to talk through our problems with people but you're not in any different situation the rest of us are you just you just impulse toward that you feel like like that's true the belief is if for a-sixes if I had sufficient support and backup in my life then I would could have some degree of confidence then I'd be okay so there's where that skeptic comes in is you're gonna kind of tend to relate to people like why weren't you there for me why weren't you supportive of me and they may feel like they really were I was there for you I was supportive of you i but but not to the degree in which you felt like you needed them to be the six think about it like this if the one has an inner critic in their life whether it's always they just always feel condemned okay the seven me I always have that sense I'm fear of missing out on something the six what's your thing this illustration came from one of the books that I read so it's not original with me but it's very helpful and if you're a six this is gonna this is going to immediately make sense to you and if you live with a six this is gonna help you really understand what's going on in them okay the one has the inner critic what is the six have the six has an inner pack of wolves wolves yeah I'll bark at the moon wolves a six it's like living as a six is like living with an inner pack of wolves that are always chasing you through the woods and you think you're getting away from them but then you hear them howl again and you turn back and you look and there they are chasing you and sometimes you can even feel their hot breath on your on the back of your neck as you're trying to get away from them so that fear those wolves are fear anxiety worry worst case scenarios all the things that could go wrong it just seems like there's always something pursuing you and I imagine that sixes have probably some problems with nightmares or night terrors because there's that sense in which something bad is coming and let's face it guys I mean there's some truth to that in the world we live in there's a lot of things that we could be afraid of I mean additives to foods who knows what those things are doing to us accidents that could happen to us terror plots that could happen shootings that can I mean there's a lot of things that could go gang violence there's a lot of things that could go wrong in society and it makes sense to be concerned about that stuff but sixes take that to a whole new level of you know this is probably gonna happen this is a good chance that this is gonna happen and you know sort of if they're not careful they can end up kind of like in that bunker mentality that we need to build a bunker you know to a safe guard so they could be very passionate toward groups that they think are going to keep them safe the 6'5 for example is called the defender their personality type is called the defender and what that is is like those groups out there in society they're trying to destroy us they're like wolf packs that are coming after us and we need to align ourselves with other groups and institutions that will defend us against those groups that want to destroy us and you can see how you know Republicans versus Democrats versus independents denominations of churches you know I mean you can say like our group and the one I aligned with that's the safe bet all those others out there they're trying to ruin our lives and destroy our homes and they're coming for your you know - and it's always like the ax man is coming the Wolf Pack the axe man is coming and they're gonna get you and you can you better be ready and you better hunker down and get in your bunker and protect yourself and so it can it can sixes can be like you know come across as though they're great planners and organizers and they are and so they want to have a contingency plan and they want to have their first aid kits and they want to have their backup plans and they want to and they're really good at all that logistics and all that stuff but realize the motivation for all of that is fear fear is what motivates it all okay so fear is what's driving it fear is that that Wolf Pack is chasing you down now the six seven is called the buddy okay the good friend the buddy the loyal friend and the six seven you know has that sense in which if I align myself with the right people and I'm a good friend then I'll be safe because I'm in the herd I'm in the herd and I'm safe in the herd and so I'm gonna be careful how I relate to people so that I'll be protected by the herd so they come across as the buddy as the good friend right you know we're threes for example the achievers want to stand out and they want to make a name for themself and they want to rise above because their worth comes from their ability to perform the six does not want to stand out they don't want to lag behind the and they don't want to stand out above the herd either they want to what is that old saying like you know a nail that sticks up it gets hammered down right so they they want to blend in in a sense they may not want the leadership position where you become you know a source of attack but they don't want to fall behind either they want to blend in and just be a part of the group they want to collaborate they want to be a part of the team teamwork is very important to Six's being up associated with the group is very important to success think of them as the peer group or the herd their safety they're in in being a part of of a group like that you know I think six is it I want to do some videos on every type and talk about the three different types subtypes of every type so that's probably coming whenever whenever we get through all this information but I think it's important at least to kind of mention those subtypes when it comes to the six because that really helps distinguish the three different types of sixes helps you understand more about what six is like the counter phobic six and I forget whether this it's self-preservation social and sexual types and I don't remember which ones assigned to which I just kind of remember them like this there is a six that looks like an eight and that is the counter phobic six that's the six that says they're out to get me the wolf pack is coming the Axman is coming into the office he's gonna chop jobs and he's gonna you know redound size our corporation the six eight deals with this fear by puffing themselves up and pushing the fear back they suppress it down and they put now they're terrified but they're not going to show you they're terrified it's like the best way to deal with this fear is to go on the offensive against those that are instilling the fear and so they can look like an eight but an eight it's driven by anger right and eight its intuitive it's a gut type so the eight just isn't doing eight stuff because they're afraid they're doing it because it just comes natural to them alright people are stupid they need to be dealt with that's kind of the way the eights feel like justice needs be served the six could that the counter phobics things could look like an eight but they're not doing it for the same reasons it's it's fear that's driving it and so they're not going to be afraid I'm not going to feel this fear and so I'm going to deal with what I think is the problem because I don't want to feel this fear anymore the six that looks like the one is the or the rule following six is another one of those three types the rule following six says if I follow all the rules and I do everything the way it's supposed to be done then I don't have anything to worry about when the Axman comes when the when the leadership comes in and they downsize this corporation I'm gonna be fine because I followed all the rules I filled out all the paperwork correctly so they can look like a one because they want to do everything the right way but a one does it that way because intuitively they know what's right intuitively they can't do it any other way the six goes to look at the manual to see how the manual says to do it does it according to the manual and then says I don't have anything to be afraid of because I did it the right way the one may look at the manual and say this manual needs to be updated this manual isn't right let's change the manual and they may know in their gut the right way to do it I don't care what the manual says the manual is wrong I'm gonna do it the right way regardless of how the manual says to do it that's kind of a one way of thinking the six what does the manual say let's do it that way because when the Axman comes I will have done it the right way and I will be in trouble so there's six that looks like a one but again it's motivated by fear it's not intuitive it's external okay so then the six that what the third type six the probably the buddy most the time the six seven is the six that looks like a - the six that looks like a - you know the giver of the helper is the one that says I'm your friend I'm friendly and I'm outgoing and I'm fun-loving and I yeah I'm not a threat so you don't have to worry about me because I'm one of you guys I'm friendly so that friendly six that buddy six usually probably the six seven is the one that says you know I'll be okay and I'll be safe because I have all the right relationships I'm connected I'm connected with the right people and I'm connected in the right way so that when something bad happens I'll be protected because surely they'll take me surely they'll protect me surely all my friends will come in and they'll stand by me because I've stand I've stood by them and so that that uh friendly six you know so easy to like because that's their whole their whole personality is built on that is they want to be likeable so that you'll be there for them so that you'll be reliable help and support to them when they need you so the six it looks like a two they're not a two they're worth in value like a two or if they're worth and value comes from being loved and being needed by you not the six the six is it's terrifying out there so I need to be careful who I'm connected to and connected with so that I can be protected ok so that's what's going on with the six the friendly six the six of them is like a two because really at the end of the day for all sixes you know I feel safe when I feel connected and I'm connected because I follow the rules I'm connected because I'm in the right relationships or I'm connected because I'm not afraid I'll push back on those that are making me feel disconnected now you can probably see there's some inherent problems here and dangers here that the six can get themselves into without even trying and that is sometimes the six when they become suspicious of other people they can actually provoke other people to turn against them which is the very thing they don't want but because of their suspicious nature they could actually initiate the very things that they're afraid of in other words look let me give an example there's no problems in the office everybody's getting along everybody's doing their work everything's fine so let's just say Nancy is a six okay let's just make up some name Nancy Nancy's a six and she's a rule following six okay six looks like the one so she's in her office you know typing away doing her work and three ladies that she works with or two ladies and a guy whatever they come in the office after lunch break Nancy ate her lunch it in at her desk okay cuz she's a rule follower and she doesn't want him she doesn't want to miss out she doesn't want to misuse her time in any way so she eats at her desk today and she's working on her stuff and she overhears three of her co-workers that she likes that she gets along with they have a great relationship okay they come in they all had lunch together and they come in laughing and talk and whisper and snicker and whatever normal stuff right they come in and walk past her desk as they come in and go back to work and the thought impulses across Nancy's mind well that's interesting the three of them went out to lunch together huh I didn't realize that they were all that closer friends huh I wonder why they went out to lunch together today when we've got that big report coming up on Friday I wonder if they're working together to protect one another for that report that's coming and they've got each other's back on that report on Friday and I wonder why they didn't ask me to go I wonder why they didn't invite me to go that seems a little odd now these thoughts see they start to spin around and Nancy's head and she starts to become suspicious I wonder if they're trying to leave me out now we got this big project report thing due on Friday they all are on the same page and they didn't invite me to go and I'm sitting here and I'm gonna have to I wonder if I wonder if they're working together and they're leaving me out see this is the kind of suspicion that happens I think in the mind of the six is what's going on over there what are they up to over there and I think what happened now if if Nancy allows herself to act on those impulses she might start to become a acting a little suspicious toward them like what are you guys up to she starts prodding them asking questions and and they don't know where this is coming from let's say they're completely innocent there's nothing going on they just went out to lunch together they were telling funny stories and they're laughing they come in there's nothing going on that's in any way threatening to Nancy but in her mind you see she feels like there might be so she starts investigating she starts asking questions she starts see now they how are they going to react to that they're gonna start pushing back away from her like what's gotten into you Nancy what's going on what's the problem what are you upset about why is it a problem that I had lunch with the other two what and then maybe those three start talking after work like did Nancy come in your office today did she was asking me about why we went out to lunch together what's gotten into her what's her problem what's she upset about and the three of them maybe make a decision that Nancy's kind of a problem Nancy's you know starting something she's she's starting to mutiny and she doesn't want to play with the rest of us and she's got you know she's all this anxiety and all this and so the three of them maybe then do start actually plotting against Nancy and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy you see so I think that's one of the things that can happen you know that that impulse to like guard yourself and be suspicious of others may actually provoke I'm not I know it's not what you want but it may actually provoke reasons to be suspicious later um what I'll still want to say about six is oh another thing I think that's true about six is is the anxiety starts within them okay in other words it's just part of being a six you don't trust your ability to your guidance system to be able to sort out what are real threats and what are potential threats and what are not there and you're not always able to feel like you can trust that they start feeling the Wolfpack they start feeling the nervousness they start feeling the anxiety and then and then they go looking for the reason or the cause of it or the person that's causing it but it's not necessarily a person causing it or something out there external causing it it's something that's internal so what I mean is the six might start to feel a threat or start to feel the heat of the wolf breathing on their neck and then they go looking for who's making me feel this way and guess what they might find a person that they pin that or they project that anxiety on and say I know what it is it's ever since Marty got here and you know the the goofy clothes that he wears and the way he interrupts and meetings he's the reason I'm feeling this way nah I got it figured out he's the reason I feel and so then they make enemies or make threats out of people who aren't threats or project you know their fears outward on people that that really aren't the cause of those fears because of those fears are you're broken just like every other person on the India gram the six is broken in their own way and the brokenness of the six is you're gonna feel fear you're gonna feel anxiety and you don't need to impulse every time you feel that see you don't need to act on it you can say wait a minute this is just sick stuff I'm feeling anxious I'm feeling fearful I'm feeling nervous I'm feeling like you know and your brain just wants to go with and this could happen and then this could happen and then this could happen and you want to just kind of like worry where you work but if you can recognize oh this is just sick stuff the rest of the people on the India gram aren't doing this I'm doing this because I'm a six I don't need to act on every fear that I have maybe and watch this when the six is healthy what do they go to a nine the nine is the peacemaker the nine is the person that might need to wake up a little bit the six when they're healthy they start to say you know maybe everything's gonna be okay maybe I don't need to worry about all this maybe maybe it's not gonna be the end of the world maybe this isn't the worst-case scenario maybe I'm gonna be alright maybe nobody's out to get me maybe I'm gonna make it through this maybe I'm I could I can relax a little bit that's when sixes are healthy okay when sixes are unhealthy what do they go to they go to a three right what is the three all about I've got to set myself apart from the rest of these people I have to excel I have to accomplish I have to make a name for myself and again threes do that because they're worth their sense of worth is attached to that but what it looks like for a six is they start to feel like look the job the ax man is coming in the office he's gonna start cut and taking names he's gonna start cutting down jobs and he's not gonna get me so I've got to make sure that I stay late and I do the best work and that I am the most pleasing employee and I'm the friendliest and so I've got to set myself apart from all of the rest as the performer in this office so that when the job cuts come they're not going to get me and so instead of working for the group like sixes normally do making you know the team goals one in fear and in stress and in disintegration sixes who are a compliant type move to an assertive type three and they start making a name for themselves they start distinguishing themselves away from the herd in a bid that that they'll be safe and protected because look at all the great work I did look at all and they start you know making all the network connections that really becomes important to them like a three is out there a politician you know shaking everybody's hand and building network connections the three is going to the six is going to the unhealthy six is going to start acting that way too because they want to ensure that they're going to be protected and how do you do that follow all the rules make all the right friendships and oppose any forces that you think might be against you so six is a compliant type under stress it becomes like an assertive three and in health looks like a withdrawn nine in other words you know maybe I can relax maybe I can take it easy maybe it's not the end of the world maybe they're not coming for us maybe they're not gonna get us maybe there's not gonna be a Nizam B apocalypse maybe I don't need to dig a bunker maybe I can just you know be okay and that's a great place when a six finds finds that that uh you know that relief from anxiety and that relief from fear so what are some examples from our popular culture of sixes in in you know television or maybe you're like well who is this who is this person you know what does this look like I think Oscar on the office is a good example of a six you know always kind of being protective of himself and protective of his workspace and protective of his relationships George Costanza on Seinfeld is a six probably the counter phobic six Oscars probably like the rule following six you know and George Costanza is like the counter phobic six it looks like anger a lot but it's he's acting out of fear and acting out of out of worry sorry about the phone Spencer on King of Queens is another good example of a six Spencer or Spence and he's kind of like the rule following six you know just trying to do the right thing but really wants to be connected to people wants to be protected and connected to people Ron Weasley on Harry Potter is a good example of a sick Chandler on friends and then celebrities like Mel Gibson Tommy Lee Jones presidential office holders like Richard Nixon George HW Bush there's a long list of actors Tom Hanks Meg Ryan Julia Roberts Gene Hackman Tom Selleck Chuck Norris a lot of these people a lot of actors um let's see what else did we want to say about the six in the Bible Peter I think is a good example of a supportive six he's he's not gonna deny he's gonna be faithful but then in fear you know what happens is he he denies in his on his is unfaithful his worst fear sixes are often called the devil's advocate because they they often are oppositional or they come across as oppositional because they're willing to take the other side you know if you're teaching your class a six is gonna have their hand raised and they're gonna say yeah but wait a minute there's an exception to that rule what about when this happens or what about when this happens and I think there's an impulse within sixes to question authority although they want Authority so desperately they're always kind of questioning Authority because if I just give them the line of reasoning I think is if I just give myself over to trust this Authority they can lead the me off a cliff how do I know that this authority figure I'm putting my trust in that they won't just lead us all over a cliff that we're not all just being gullible here so I've better ask some questions it's almost like I'm impulse to ask some questions because I need to test this person because I need to make sure I need to make sure I need to make sure that this person really has my best interests at heart and so they can kind of have that devil's advocate now what's interesting is the reverse of that's true too if if they're if the six is the teacher of the class you know they're doing the lecture they're doing the lesson and they're presenting their information and they're 100% sure that their information is correct and they get three or four objections in the audience well wait a minute now and and they start to question everything the six has taught the first impulse of the six is probably going to be maybe my notes are wrong maybe my information is wrong oh my goodness I'm getting asked questions how do I know for sure that my sources are right maybe they're right maybe I'm not right maybe I'm all wrong about this maybe this whole lesson has been for naught maybe I'm just as confused and they almost have to talk themselves out of that dilemma and say now wait a minute now I know that my sources are right I know I've checked this I know I've gone over this I believe that my information is right and I need to stand up and say no I'm sorry I disagree with you I believe in the information I've just conveyed to you it's almost like that there's that impulse within them to doubt what they've just been teaching okay um what else we talked about projecting when you try to help us six realize you know that you're gonna have to do more than just tell them things are gonna be okay what you're doing is you're telling them move the nine move the nine move to nine that's what you're telling them you're telling them yeah things are gonna be alright don't worry about it move to nine but moving to nine doesn't just happen because you say that's what they ought to do okay it's a process and if you could just offer a little support if you could say well tell me what tell me what's got you worried about this and let them talk it out and they say well if my kid doesn't make the soccer team then they might start getting them actually feeling bad about themselves like that they're not good at anything and then what if they start feeling like that they might they might they might start suffering in school and with all their friendships and then say well you know that I guess that could happen I mean soccer really is important but is there any other sports that they're interested in maybe they could try out for a different sport oh yeah I hadn't thought about that you know they did mention they really like we're interested in volleyball are they really interested in baseball or swimming maybe they could do that in stand if you can just be patient with them and just ask them some questions and be a supportive listener see you knew the other Annie Graham types we do this salt problem-solving in our heads quite naturally and I think the six just needs us to come alongside of them and let them do it externally let them go through there don't give them answers don't just jump in tell them well here's what you need to do be careful about doing that and also don't tell them hey move to nine it's gonna be all right don't worry about it but if you can just kind of walk them through that that problem a little bit and it may just be two or three questions you have ask him just say well yeah I guess that's kind of trackage to your point but maybe is there any other sports that they might be interested in well you know they didn't make it out for soccer this year but you know what what could you look at what could they do what could they get involved in that that would encourage them maybe did they have any other interest whatever if you can just help them work through their problem their dilemma their crisis then maybe they'll come to the real is they'll come to the realization themselves ah this really isn't as big a deal as I I thought it was and it's probably gonna be okay and there's other things we can try and that may be all you need to offer them is just a little bit of support 6r 6 is this is kind of an interesting thought sixes are really interesting people because they tend to be within themselves struggling to a very degree within themselves in other words they can be polar opposites within themselves what I mean is the six might be the friendliest person you know but then when they feel threatened they might become the most belligerent person you know so which one are they friendly or belligerent well they're both depending on their circumstances the six might be the most fearful person you know there's just always concerned always worried about worst-case scenarios and they don't like to be scared they don't like to watch scary movies and they don't the most fearful person you know but also at the same time they could come across as the most courageous person you know willing to act even though they are afraid and if there are counter phobic six they may very well look like the most courageous person you know even provoking danger when when danger doesn't exist so which one are they fearful or courageous they're both trusting and wanting people to trust and at the same time distrusting I mean listen to that title loyal skeptic see the dichotomy there it's like which one are you well they're both they're trusting and they're just they're passive and sometimes they're aggressive they can be bullies like that counter phobic six maybe they can be bullies but at the same time weaklings they can be team players and also in it for themselves believers and doubters cooperative and obstructionist generous and at the same time petty a bundle of opposites so one of the one of the books that I remember reading on the six called them a sweet and sour sweet and sour now I'll just let you kind of figure out what that means for you or if you are married or have a six as a child or the child of a six maybe that has its own meaning in your particular scenario maybe you hear that and you go wow that really describes you know the person that I love they're sweet and sour you'll see them just interacting with people and being so kind and friendly and then you walk out the door and they say oh my goodness that person just drives me nuts I just I just can't stand I just can't standing being around them I just I just and you're like wait a minute now a minute ago you just seemed like they were your best friend and now sweet and sour okay oh so we talked about the reasoning is their disconnection from their guidance system or their compass you know they don't trust their own compass another thing that seems to happen with sixes is they may intuitively know what ought to be done in a situation like let's say they're raising a child they have a toddler and the toddler's running their mouth being a smart mouth being objectionable be it whatever the six made like every everybody else intuitively know this child needs to be disciplined this child needs some discipline some kind of structure they need some kind of rules they need some kind of enforcement they need some kind of whatever but like a one would just act or an eight might just act and say intuitively I know what this child needs they need to be set over in a chair and a timeout and they need to be you know whatever the six I think is going to be more inclined to go get a book read the book and then try to apply what they learned in the book even when it doesn't work because that's what the expert said and so if they put the book aside for a minute they probably know what to do but the book says that we're supposed to count to three one two you know and so we're gonna do what the book says we're gonna do what you know my group said we should do even though it's not working and then maybe eventually the six will get to the end of that and go that just doesn't work I I went to the experts and the experts were wrong but they're going to be inclined I think to do what the experts said to do even though it doesn't work okay so we talked about the six five the defender the six seven the buddy they disintegrate two threes they integrate two nines the basic fear is of being without support and guidance the basic desire is to have that support and guidance and I think the general message the six is telling themself is I am good I'm okay and I'm safe if I do everything that's expected of me in other words follow the rules if I'm connected and tied in with the right people then I'll be safe I'll be okay so they're in a search for security like a child who doesn't want to take the training wheels off of their bicycle that have long since served their usefulness sixes are afraid if they don't have reliable people in their life or reliable authority figures in their life that they could just come crashing down and they're gonna come crashing down all by themselves and this is going to be you know and the end of everything the end of life as we know it okay so they rely maybe a little too heavily on others opinions or on their religious leaders or their political figures or their experts or their associations or their groups that they're involved in they sometimes can real a little too heavily on those things they have that desire to be their own person while at the same time having support from others again that dichotomy that bag of mixed you know rollercoasters can be terrifying but they can be fun and life can be terrifying but it can be exhilarating healing begins for six when they say you know maybe this is gonna work out okay maybe I don't have to foresee every possible or potential problem maybe I can trust my own judgments that's when healing begins for a six liberated six let go of the belief that they have to rely on somebody else or some outside group or person to support them they discover their own inner self guidance now let's go through ten steps to healing and health number one remember there's nothing unusual about feeling anxious all of us at times are gonna feel anxiety and fear uncertainty is a part of life and courage is when you just move through it no matter what you just face the challenges and remember that you know breathing fully and facing those anxieties can be an exhilarating and educational process so anxiety a certain level of anxiety is going to be normal for everybody we all we all we all feel that okay number two you tend to get edgy and testy when you're upset and angry and you have the tendency to turn on others and blame them sometimes for the things that you've done to yourself or brought on yourself so be aware of your own kind of pessimistic and dark moods your own negative thought patterns about reality and sometimes in your own self doubt you can become your own worst enemy okay number three sixes tend to overreact when they're under stress and feeling anxious so learn to identify the things that make you overreact most of the things in life like I said before aren't game Enders they may be game changers but they're not game Ender's even things even if things are as bad as you think they are it doesn't mean you can't manage them it doesn't mean you can't sort it out it doesn't mean you can't recover from them and doesn't mean you can't make it through them so recognize when your anxiety is starting to get like that snowball when it's starting to roll and it's getting out of control and take a step back and try to get in touch with your thinking again and say am i making too much out of this okay number four work on becoming a more trusting person trusting of other people realize that most people are not out to get you they're more they're soaked and every person is so consumed with their own agenda in life that they're most people are just not thinking about you and if it looks like they're up to no good and they're out to get you probably chances are they're not they're not thinking about you they're just thinking about how to move ahead themselves or they're thinking about how everybody thinks of them but they're very few people in life are really just out to get you okay so relax a little bit and try to think the best of people unless they prove themselves otherwise now if somebody proves to you you know they show themselves then believe it believe that you know but most people are not trying to destroy your life okay they're just they're trying to make it through life themselves number five and it doesn't doesn't usually serve their advantage to ruin you it serves their advantage to collaborate with you and to not make an enemy of you all right number five other people probably think a lot better of you than you realize I mean after all you're a dedicated worker you're a hard-working person who cares about getting things done and about being safe your personality type your Enneagram type is designed to to be a loyal hard-working friendly person so most people will probably think of you as that and that's a good thing most people probably want to relate positively with you and they want you to support them because you are a problem solver so if you can realize that that most people probably think pretty good of you and you your whole personality is built on being a likable person so you're probably liked okay number six you are highly responsible in many areas in life but it can be hard for you to take responsibility for your own mistakes you may be afraid that others will jump down your throat if they find out that you were wrong or that you did the incorrect thing you're afraid to maybe open that up and say hey I made a mistake because if you make a mistake what the Axman is coming right the wolves are coming but if you take responsibility for your mistakes people will respect you and they will align themselves more easily with you if you try to pass the blame off on others because you're afraid of blame being attached to you you're gonna end up alienating yourself and undermining the relationships with those other people by the way if you're in a relationship with a six or you work with a six they will really respect it if you go to them and say hey look I was wrong I made a mistake and I hope you'll forgive me because they realized the great risk that is associated with saying something like that because the last thing is six wants to do is to say hey everybody I was wrong I deserve to be in trouble they don't want sixes don't want that they want to run away from everything that might get them in trouble seven you want to feel secure but this will never happen until you are secure in yourself in other words it's an internal anxiety that you project externally most often be more realistic in your beliefs about yourself and your own abilities and if you learn to believe in yourself then other people will believe in you as well quiet your restless mind and be present - right now number eight examine your attitude toward authority do you go back and forth supportive and then yet suspicious supportive of your church leaders suspicious of your church so you're supportive of your boss but then suspicious of your boss become aware of your own unconscious attitudes toward authority and if they're not out to get ya then don't treat them like they are don't worry about them like they are unless they give you a reason but if they don't give you reason then just assume that they're there to work for your best interest number nine be fair with others and tell them what's on your mind share with them why sometimes you seem indecisive and sometimes defensive and number 10 remember that the authorities you look to in life as reliable sources of guidance and support can usually help you but only up to a certain point and then at some point you have to trust your own instincts you have to trust yourself to make it the rest of the way you're never going to have a hundred percent assurance that you're not going to make a mistake or this isn't going to turn out bad or that you're gonna into early you're gonna do the right thing but you don't need a hundred percent assurance you can take the training wheels off and do your best you know try to foresee as much as you can but then you have to just step out and just take a risk life is all about taking risks and the reality is most of us when we get to the end of our life are not upset about the risks we took we we're upset about the risks we wish we would have taken but at the time you know we were maybe too anxious or too afraid to take those risks so risking can be a good thing in life and to a six probably a lot of life seems like a risk but I hope this has been helpful to you I hope it's been encouraging to you and as always be present to life for that six I think that could mean that you know you can't always have a contingency plan for everything and you can't be prepared for every situation and so you might want to hide down in the bunker you know and and if you do that you're not present to life as it is yes you will get hurt in life yes there are people that are going to mistreat you yes people will take advantage of you and yes accidents happen but that happens to people who are present to life and even when you're not present to life those kinds of things can still happen so there's no way you can be a hundred percent pain-free or safe unless you just hide in a bunker and and you do that guess what you're not present to life and people want to know you and they want to relate to you and you have something to offer and you have something to give but you gotta be willing to step out and take a risk all right thank you guys blessings and I wish you the best till next time bye

Channel: Dr. Tom LaHue

Views: 29,523

Rating: 4.9337015 out of 5

Keywords: Enneagram, personalities, family, marriage, love, home, husband, wife, parenting, enneagram 6, enneagram six, enneagram type 6

Id: IROjU6f8Btk

Length: 55min 23sec (3323 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 25 2019