Enneagram: Childhood Message Of Each Type

hey what's up guys thank you for joining me my name is dr tom lehu welcome to my channel and we're going to be looking at the basic uh childhood message of each type the basic fear the message that you needed to hear we're trying to get through all nine of them we'll see what happens but before we get started i just wanted to call your attention to my website it's listed in the description below you can click on the link tomlahew.com is my website if you're interested in booking a coaching appointment you want to know more about your type or you're trying to figure out what your your enneagram type is um or your subtype or dominant wing all that kind of stuff also you know if you're in a relationship with somebody and you're you know maybe you're you're a little sideways we can help so reach out to me through the website also on the website is a link at the top to our certificate program start dates for new cohorts are listed i'd love for you to sign up if you're interested in knowing how to use the enneagram to help people and when you know encourage people and make an impact if it's making an impact in your life and you want to become an enneagram coach or a relationship coach using the enneagram this is a fantastic certificate program it's six weeks we meet on zoom and you'll meet with me and some other students and it's exciting stuff it really is fantastic in fact i'm working on right now developing a second uh uh certificate program in relationship coaching and enneagram relationship coaching um so more information will be coming about that also thanks to all my patrons i really appreciate your support joining with me in supporting this channel uh the link to patreon is is also in the description if you want to if you want to help in that way i really appreciate it so today we're going to talk about the the um basic fear of each type the childhood message the basic desire uh how that desire can deteriorate and what it deteriorates into and then the message that you needed to hear or you need to hear as a child as a young person and the information is coming out of this great book the wisdom of the enneagram this is one of the first books that i ever read when when i started my journey learning about the enneagram and uh you know i tore that book up along with a whole shelf full of other ones and i'm still you know getting new ones um so let's let's talk about start with type one okay let's talk about the uh the basic uh fear of each type okay so for type ones the basic fear is listed as of being bad corrupt evil or defective uh so here's a young person here's a a child here's an adult you know now maybe you've grown up as a teenager as an adult and the basic fear is i don't want to be bad corrupt evil or defective good that's great the the childhood message that you may have received as a type one is it's not okay to make mistakes um it's not okay to to uh to have flaws or to to be imperfect um to to to mess things up to be lazy um it's not okay to um to not get it right the first time and i think when we talk about childhood messages it's important to keep in mind you know this isn't necessarily the message that the adults around you intended to communicate they may have communicated a lot of different messages but which one stuck you know it's the one you heard it the focus on the childhood messages on the receiver it's the one that stuck with you it's the one that you received the overarching message that this type one child received was it's not okay to make a mistake and maybe you had parents who really actually very directly communicated that or maybe you had parents that kept telling you it is okay don't beat yourself up it's okay but for whatever reason you know you as a little type one uh didn't believe that it was okay that internal parent you know was inside there scolding you don't make a mistake don't don't don't look stupid don't be foolish don't you know don't have to do it over again do it right the first time the basic desire of type 1 is to have integrity and of course integrity is you know to to not have to not to not to mean what you say and say what you mean and to do the right thing and to not have to do anything secretive that you know that you shouldn't be doing that your word and your actions are congruent they match up you you do what you say you say what you do and you don't have this secret you know going on behind this behind the scenes that basic desire to have integrity can deteriorate though into something less than the basic desire and so what does that deteriorate into for the type one it deteriorates into critical perfectionism the desire is to be a person of integrity but that desire can deteriorate into just being critical and perfectionistic the childhood message that you needed to hear or that your young people or the people in your life that are type ones need to hear is you are good and i i might add to that you are good just the way you are you know that even though you're imperfect you're perfect for our family you're a perfect fit for the group that you're in and none of us are perfect none of us have it all worked out or have it all straightened out or have all the everything in our life the way it should be and that is just perfect like that we're perfectly imperfect the message that you needed to hear as a child is you're perfect the way you are okay you're good just the way you are you don't need to improve yourself before we accept you or you belong okay so let's move on to type two the basic fear of type two is of being unworthy of being loved um you're not worthy in and of yourself to receive love from us you must do something and there's a sense in which all three of the worth types two three and four all get that sense that they're not worthy of being loved or accepted the way they are they need to perform in some way they need to stand out in some way in order to be loved in order to be accepted in order to be cared for so the basic fear of type 2 is the fear of being unworthy of being loved as i am for just who i am i need to then do something you know in order to be worthy of being loved and the childhood message that the type 2 received again it's not necessarily the one that was communicated although it could have been but the message that stuck with the two is it's not okay to have your own needs you know you're here to take care of others and if you have your own needs well then you're you're you're being selfish you're not concerned about others and this could show up in a lot of different ways you know i'm here to take care of you i'm here to help you you know if you maybe ask the two well did you have a good time at the party they might feel like it's selfish to say yes i went for my own enjoyment yes we went and and we were able to help cindy have a wonderful birthday you know maybe come across feeling selfish if i just did this thing for myself so it's not okay to have your own needs as a type two that's the message of course it is fine to have your own needs but the message that sticks with the two is that it's not okay to have your own needs the basic desire of type twos is to be loved um okay and remember we all share all of these desires it's just it's not the most prominent necessarily for all of us but for type twos the basic desire is to be loved that can deteriorate though that desire can deteriorate into simply to just be needed and so the association is if i'm needed then then it's like i'm being loved and so the desire is to be loved but that desire deteriorates into just being needed and so then i need to do things that will make other people need me i need to i need to you know forecast what their needs are and then try to meet those needs so that i'll be of value to that person the message that you needed to hear as a young person or as a child as a type 2 is you are wanted you're wanted and i might add to that you know you are wanted for just who you are in fact i'm going to put that in my notes i'm taking notes on myself for just who you are not for what you do for us you're wanted okay um for just being yourself we want you in our group we want you to be a part of this this family we want you to be a part of this this uh vacation that we're going on your presence is wanted here okay type three the basic fear of type three is of being worthless or of having no inherent value there's nothing about me that's valuable just myself i need to accomplish something or i need to achieve something or i need to be that which most people admire so what is it people admire what is it they applaud and then i'll go run out in front of that and become the best version of that and then i will be i'll have value and i'll and i will have worth the childhood message that the type 3 received is it's not okay to have your own feelings or your own identity that's interesting i'm not sure i completely understand that i would have maybe thought the childhood message of the three was you're not enough on your own or you need to be the best in order to to be important or something like that but this is interesting and i'll have to think about it you guys that are type threes maybe that immediately makes sense to you it's not okay to have your own feelings and identity i guess maybe let's let me think about that a little bit it's not okay to have your own identity so you need to assume a better identity you need to assume and work toward an identity of something that's more prominent or something that's more significant maybe that's maybe that's the intention it's not okay to have your own feelings i know that threes can often be sort of cut off from their feelings is although they're in the feeling group they're in the center which means they're cut off from their center uh they're cut off from feelings and often feelings can can can be problematic you know threes have a hard time engaging their feelings sometimes it's not okay to have your own feelings it's not okay to have your own identity so you need to maybe aspire is that the idea you need to aspire to a better identity the basic desire of the three is to feel valuable is to feel like they have worth and to feel like they have value the deterioration that desire can deteriorate into just chasing after success whatever that their group or their society considers successful then the three might find themselves deteriorating into just chasing after success the message that you needed to hear as a young person is you are loved for yourself you are love for for just who you are for exactly who you are and what you are without becoming something better just the way you are you're loved and valued for just what you bring inherently into the family or into the situation type four the basic fear of being without identity or without personal significance so you can see all three of these two threes and fours they all have the same idea or connotation of worth and value okay a fear of being without identity and of course in an objective way i mean hopefully even you as a four you can see that we all do have an identity even when we're not trying to we we're going to have you know something that makes us stand out or different or unique in some way but the basic fear of the type 4 is of being without that identity or being without that personal significance the childhood message that the child received is it's not okay to be too functional or too happy in life it's not okay to be too functional or too happy in life um i remember talking to a four um in the past who said they remembered vividly you know as a child being excited about a holiday you know and they were just you know thrilled you know that this holiday was coming and somebody in their family you know humiliated them like that that was too childlike to be excited about holidays and they they said that it kind of died right there they just said okay well then fine i'm never going to get excited about a holiday again and and they've spent their whole life you know just never allowing themselves to be too happy you know or too into the holiday and if you talk to fours often they'll tell you that you know like like they they tend to be melancholy at at special times or at birthdays or at holidays when everybody else is happy they sometimes have a tendency to feel depressed or disengaged that's interesting the childhood message is it's not okay to be too functional it's not okay for you know you to fit in or or you to be too engaged or to be too happy the basic desire is to be oneself and that can deteriorate into what the authors say self-indulgence and again i i'm not sure i'm fully understanding what they mean by that i i guess i would think it it would deteriorate into the need to be special or the need to stand out or the need to be unique or different in some way i'd be interested in what you know if force could help me understand does that obvious to you when you hear that do you go oh yeah that makes a lot of sense the basic desire is to be myself but that deteriorates into just indulging myself that's interesting i'd have to think about that some more the message that you needed to hear as a young person was you are seen for who you are and i would add to that and you are accepted as you are you're a scene for who you are and you are accepted as you are we see you you fit in you belong i think fours really want to belong but it feels like difficult to figure out how to belong without losing that need to be different or special or unique in some way so the message that you heard was it's not okay for you to be too functional or too happy and the message that you needed to hear is you are seen for who you are and accepted for who you are all right type five the basic fear of type five is of being useless incapable or incompetent and you're definitely moving closer to the seven because when i hear that i can feel that a little bit i can feel the sting of that a little bit i i don't really feel the sting of one two three and four um and i get it i understand it from like a logical way that yeah those that's awful and i wouldn't want that but when i read the type five ooh i can feel the sting of that a little bit more than i feel than than i've felt the other ones yet and when i was writing all this down and taking notes um you know i have a son that's five and so it's personal in that way of course i have a wife that's a two and a daughter that's a four but but i could feel this one a little bit more so it might mean that we're getting closer into my group you know the the thinking group or the uh the fear group so the childhood message let's go back to that for a second the the basic fear of being useless incapable incompetent that does strike me a little bit you know a little bit stingier than the other ones have so far um the childhood message for for the five was it's not okay for you to be too comfortable in the world and again i'd have to think about that because that wouldn't have been obvious to me um you know i i would i would have thought that it might have said something along the lines of the childhood messages it's not okay for you to need too much or to need too much help or to need too much involvement from others that's probably what i would have said but it's interesting that the author said it's not okay to be too comfortable in the world so you need to be a little uncomfortable again i'd be interested in fives when you hear that does that immediately make sense to you um it'd be interesting your perspective on that the basic desire is to be competent to be competent i want to feel like i'm i'm capable i'm able i'm competent i'm useful i'm prepared i'm ready for the moment so the basic desire is to be competent but that can deteriorate into what they say is useless specialization that's an interesting two words and it communicates so much that that i've specialized my focus and my in my resources and my ability into some area that is not necessarily that productive and so i may be an expert but am i an expert in something that is really challenging five goes to eight really challenging or is it an expert in something 5 goes to 7 something that is a distraction away from from something productive so the deterioration away from i want to be competent is i'm extremely confident in something that doesn't really make much difference useless specialization so you might think about like if you're one of those people or you know one of those people that has lots of trivial information you know so you can remember words to songs from 30 years ago and you've got this this storehouse of useless information in your head that but yet when it comes time to like you know do something productive then you're scratching your head like now how do i do that again or what what's what's what's the right way to do that and so i can see useless specialization the message you needed to hear as a five is you are not a problem your presence is not a problem you being here is not a problem um and you can you can kind of hear a little bit of the worth in that like you know you're wanted or needed or cared for but you are not a problem that's again that does start to sting a little bit so i know we're getting closer to my area uh type six the basic fear is of being without support or being without guidance and again sixes sometimes you know they're in that they're in that thinking group but they're at the center which means they're cut off from their center and so although they're over thinkers and they can really be great problem solvers they sometimes aren't sure that about solving their own problems and so they want support and guidance and they want somebody to sort of rebound you know their discussion off of their ideas off of to to sort of give them a temperature check like everything's going to be okay right i need i need that reassurance i need that support or guidance so the basic fear is i'm going to be without support or guidance the childhood message that the six received is it's not okay to trust yourself it's not okay to trust yourself so you need to have guidance you need to have external sources or external wisdom that can provide that guidance for you um okay so let's see what else it says uh the basic desire of the six is to be secure is to just to feel safe is to feel like you're gonna be okay like you're gonna be secure um i wish i can identify with that who couldn't identify with that the basic desire to be secure but that can deteriorate into what they call an attachment to beliefs i think an attachment to beliefs is good but i guess i would nuance that a little bit or clear that up to like an over attachment or an allegiance an unhealthy allegiance to my code or to my group in other words i'll be safe as long as i stay inside this this group or stay inside the parameters of these policies or stay inside the parameters of this belief system and without questioning it you know with and i i guess that's the idea is like an over allegiance to a system rather than sorting out for myself what i think is the right thing to do or knowing that inherently in my gut so the basic desire is to be secure and it's kind of like well if i don't question the authorities within this group and i just follow the code then i'll be i'll be safe and that is a deterioration a desire to be secure if i give my loyal and allegiance to this code or this person then i'll be okay the message you needed to hear as a type 6 is you are safe i get that but there's even a part of me that that that worries about that like you know can i tell my kids that they're safe yes but you know there's always threats out there that i may not be able to manage you know i mean so i i i i know we're getting closer to the seven because i'm struggling with these these myself is how can i really tell somebody they're safe if i can't observe and protect them 24 hours a day i feel like i might be making promises that i can't always fulfill and it's probably because as a seven wing six i struggle with this somewhat myself i've got that six wing that says how can you really tell somebody that they're always going to be safe you can't possibly be with them even if you were with them you know they could have a heart attack and there's nothing i could do to stop that internal problem within them so you can hear the sickness within me but the message that maybe let's just simplify it you know if you're a toddler or a young person or a first grader you need your dad to reach over and say you're gonna be okay you're gonna be safe um because you may not believe that yourself all right type seven the basic fear here now we're we're right over the target now for me the basic fear is of being deprived or trapped in pain i.e stuck at the dentist office would be a good example of that for me but being deprived like there's so much out there there's so many you know that we could get or do or so many experiences or so many you know opportunities or so many products and you're not going to be able to get them all or try them all and that's the basic fear a fear of missing out the fear of not being able to sample everything the fear of missed opportunities the childhood message that the seven received is it's not okay to depend on anyone for anything and you can start to hear you know you can start to hear a blend away from the six toward the eight um you know that people are going to let you down but the seven is you you're you're you're not it's not okay to to depend on others and i i guess i could you could summarize it in sort of saying you're on your own kid you're on your own so get out of the house and go occupy your time go busy yourself and so the seven steps out of the front door into a world of wonder and make-believe and occupies themself um you know by finding things to do by finding things to think about or to engage in the basic desire of the seven is to be happy is to be and i'm going to add to that to also to be satisfied to be happy or to be satisfied remember the sin is gluttony right so there's an empty there's an empty place that never can totally be satisfied in this life deterior that deteriorates that need to be happy can deteriorate into frenetic escapism frenetic is like darting around in a lot of different directions escapism is like i don't want to be trapped i want to have freedom and so i'm i'm just trying stuff to try stuff i'm just doing things to do things i'm just learning about stuff because i don't want to be bored so frenetic escapism can be the substitute you might say for for really being happy the message you needed to hear as a child was you'll be taken care of is i mean that might be part of the reason why i married it too you'll be taken care of is i'm here to take care of you your needs will be met you will be satisfied you'll be taken care of all right type 8 the basic fear of type 8 is of being harmed or controlled by others being harmed controlled by others at the mercy of other people other people uh will take advantage of me the childhood message the eight received is it's not okay to be vulnerable it's not okay to trust anyone it's not okay to let your guard down so you need to keep your guard up it's not okay to be vulnerable with people because they will use that against you take advantage of you if they see an opportunity the basic desire of the eight is to protect oneself to protect themselves financially to protect themselves physically to protect themselves relationally this could take a lot of forms right to build a fortress around themselves that desire to protect oneself could deteriorate into constant fighting or getting into fights that aren't necessary and i would add to that the need to be um against even when you don't really need to be when other people are not against you uh the eight might feel like they need um to be against others or or against systems that are in place and the like okay the message that you needed to hear as a young age was you will not be betrayed that we will not turn against you we will not stab you in the back we will be on your team and and we will go down with you okay um type nine the basic fear of type nine is a loss of connection or fragmentation and i'd be interested in knowing more about what they mean by fragmentation i think of fragmentation like of course like the relationship is fragmenting and separating um but i could see also like an internal way a nine might fear like losing themself or fragmenting themselves and i wonder if it could mean both because nines you know they tend to not necessarily they tend to struggle at times some nines i might say maybe not all but some nines tend to struggle with who am i um if i'm not connected to these other people um i need to look in your eyes to see myself so to speak all right so the fear is a loss of connection and that that could make you you know sort of just like well then i'll do whatever i have to do in order to not have that loss of connection the childhood message that the nine received was it's not okay to assert yourself and you know i think that's almost right it's not okay to be aggressive against other people um it is okay to defend yourself but it's not okay to go into other people's territory and and to you know to go after them and their stuff but asserting yourself just means owning your own space you know owning your own decisions owning your own words and choices it's not okay to to own your own space it's not okay to assert yourself that's the childhood message the basic desire of the nine is to be at peace to not have conflict to have tranquility in their life that can deteriorate into what they call stubborn neglectfulness and i see kind of in there a couple of things stubborn like stubborn can be quiet right it doesn't have to be aggressive or assertive it can just be sort of i'm not moving although i might be nodding my head that i'm moving i'm really not moving i'm being stubborn and neglectfulness is i think first of all in my opinion would be like a neglectfulness to your own agenda or to your own uh desires or to your own what you want just kind of not rejecting it it's not an outright rejection it's just kind of a mild rejection and neglect like i don't really hear what i want i don't really if i heard what i want and i acted on it i might lose connection with the people in my life and so i just neglect my own agenda and sort of stubbornly stay where i am maintaining the status quo the message you needed to hear as a nine was your presence matters you showing up and being a part of this makes a difference not only we're glad you're here but your presence has an impact you can move you have the right to steer the boat you know you can steer the ship and and it changes the direction of the ship being here and being a part of this group matters so i thought this was a very interesting study and i know i've read it a long time ago and i've thought about it but it's been a while since i've really focused in on on these basic desires and fears and childhood message and as i was you know going through and reading this again i thought this is such interesting information that really gets down to the core you know of our identities and helps us understand more about ourselves and if you're struggling between two types like maybe you said i could be a seven i could be a four i could be an eight i could be a three i don't know um this might be one way to help yourself know what type you are because if you're an eight and you think you're a three and you you hear the basic fear and childhood message and all that of a three you're probably gonna say yeah that doesn't really resonate but the eight one yeah that really resonates so this might be a way to help yourself or others if they're struggling between two different types might help them might help you or others you know figure out a little bit more firmly what what type you are so i hope this has been helpful to you and uh feel free to pass the video on to others you know if you think it would help them and as always guys be present to life and thank you for joining me for this video take care and have a great week

Channel: Dr. Tom LaHue

Views: 20,289

Rating: 4.9527745 out of 5

Keywords: enneagram, childhood message, basic fears, parenting, marriage, relationships, personalities, love, family

Id: EVGUrF28rWs

Length: 34min 10sec (2050 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 25 2021