Enneagram: The Box You Are In

hey what's up guys thank you for joining me today my name is dr tom lehu welcome to my channel and uh before we get started today we're going to be talking about uh we'll see some interesting stuff about the enneagram but before we get started i just want to call your attention to the description below is a link to my website tomlehue.com i do offer coaching appointments and if you're interested in booking one of those appointments you can go to the website and do that you can also find out more information about our certificate programs and enneagram coaching or enneagram relationship coaching great material i take you behind the scenes and show you exactly what i do when i when i go through coaching appointments with people if you want to better know how to use the enneagram to help people to live more balanced productive healthy lives and better relationships check out those certificate programs also um thanks to my patrons i really appreciate your continued support for the channel um thank you for going on this journey with me all right so today what are we going to be talking about well um when i was going through all these relationship books as i was putting together the material for the relationship certificate one of the books that i came across was a book by helen palmer called the enneagram in love and work and this book is fantastic this book is like a a punch to the gut helen palmer i watched a few of her videos on youtube um she's a older lady now but this book was written back in the 90s and i got her other book that was written back in the 80s and i think i have both of these on kindle too but i like to uh i like to read through you know i just like to read through and highlight and underline things it just you know i enjoy that and making notes and all that but this book was really good i thought she did a great job of explaining the enneagram to me it seemed like in a fresh way but it's probably because it's an older book it's just different than a lot of the other books um explain the enneagram so very good so that got me looking like well what else does she have available and i picked up this book um and i just started this one and i'm reading through this book just called the enneagram this was written back in 1988 and i wanted to just unpack some of the things that she talks about in the first chapter um that i thought was interesting some of it i think i've heard before um and understand i think pretty well a lot of it um you know sounds very similar to what i read in here the wisdom of the enneagram i just wanted to unpack some of the concepts she talks about about um how we sometimes lose ourselves and the enneagram helps us to see the road back home which interestingly enough is a title for uh one of the books that wrote back to you the one of the books i started with by ian kron fantastic book and if you're new to the enneagram that's a great place to start the the road back to you and the path between us kind of the companion to that book by susan stabile both very good books okay so let's talk about this uh coming back to ourselves or finding ourselves um i went to boulder colorado and i found myself um i don't know why everybody goes to boulder colorado to find themselves but all right so let's uh try to focus our attention here and not get stuck in our personality type so what does this first what is the first section of this begin with obviously she's going to go through and deal with each of the types in her own way uh but as the book begins um she talks about that concept or that idea that sometimes our personality type gets in the way of us really knowing ourselves we over identify with the personality type um with with the impulses and compulsions of the type now she will say the word preoccupations we over identify with the preoccupations of our type or our impulses or compulsions of our type so i just wrote down some notes i went through and wrote down about four or five pages of notes and um you know after i underlined everything and highlighted it then i went through and thought well what's what's the big picture here and i want to try to summarize that because i realize some of you guys don't have this book or you're never going to sit down and read it but you can still benefit from the information and i'm going to do the best i can to try to present it i'll do it in my own way i'm sure um so our personality type whether you're a seven or a one or a four or two whatever you are it develops to defend us now from a christian world view i would look at it like our our world is broken now adam and eve were kicked out of the garden and so there is this great fall and uh this fall from grace that we now live in a world filled with thorns and thistles and pain and death and suffering and hardship and famine and so in this fallen world in this broken world there's something wrong with everything everything's broken our bodies you know wear down and break down we get sick relationships break down and wear down people end up at odds with each other and so in this broken world [Music] we develop mechanisms that defend us and the personality type comes with all of these mechanisms whatever the type is it has these hardwired internal mechanisms um to to protect us from all the or from some of the the challenges that we will face in this life now she refers back to one of the founders of uh modern enneagram teaching and i don't know if i'm saying the guy's name right i've read his name several times it's popped up in several of the books that deal with the history of the enneagram george ivanovic you'll see his name pop up a lot you'll also see a naranjo's name pop up a lot especially in beatrice chestnut's books but one of the things she talks about with gert gf and i don't know if i'm pronouncing that right is in the early days when much of the teaching that we have in the west on the enneagram is trace back she says to gertief's work okay and gertie have talked a lot about buffers that we have these buffers our personality creates these buffers to help us kind of like insulate away from the worst things of life we might say in our modern age that we have psychological defense mechanisms and that would be a great video to do as well the nine different mechanisms that we have like for example sevens is rationalization and there's one for every type it might be a good video to do sometime um but we let's just say it this way we develop these defense mechanisms in order to interact in a way that we can survive in this life i always think of it like this we've got to get from one shore to the other and so we're in a boat and we're trying to get through life as best we can but no one of these boats is sufficient in and of itself it has wings or pontoons on it to help us to get from one side to the other um and we're trying to make it safely through this life the personality type helps us helps us make it through this life the impulses and compulsions of the type safeguard and protect us and create buffers for us to make it through this life the problem is we over identify with the personality that that personality is us and yes the personality type helps us but it can also create limitations to how we view the world around us in other words we're in this big 360 degree world but we're often very limited in what we observe what we see and how we think we can respond to all of these options that are around us the personality type starts to control us and limit our view and um sort of put us on automatic pilot in other words we're just kind of like moving through life without giving a lot of thought to what we're thinking about or a lot of thought to who we're becoming or who we actually are we over identify with our feelings i feel mad so i'm mad i feel scared so i'm scared i feel hurt so i'm hurt if we can learn to drop back just a little bit and separate from our personality type and observe ourselves feeling bad or feeling angry we might then say it in a ever so slightly nuanced way i'm observing myself feeling agitated i'm observing myself feeling frustrated that slight little break from our personality puts us in different in a different position now we are observing ourselves and we're saying i'm observing myself getting agitated i'm observing myself getting it say what's the benefit of that well um if i'm observing myself getting upset i might realize that getting upset is is a buffer or a response to my environment getting upset may or may not be helping me or not getting upset my tendency to shove down anger and not feel my own anger it may not be the best way to interact with the world um perhaps my agitation or my frustration or my boredom whatever it is i'm feeling might cause me if i don't stop and think about it to just move forward in mechanical ways on autopilot and do things that will make my life worse or damage my relationships if i don't observe myself and my natural tendencies or my personalities preoccupations impulses compulsions i'm liable to just move forward thinking i'm in the right and everybody else is in the wrong i'm absolutely justified in what i'm doing and so learning about the enneagram helps us to realize our natural patterns so that we can not and just improve them or understand them or be more compassionate with ourselves and others but so that we might be set free to some degree from those impulses now what she will say in her book it's very interesting way of saying it is the goal of understanding our personality is so that we can set it aside now that's interesting i think most of us when we learn about the enneagram you know we're like oh cool i'm a seven that's cool i do this i do that i don't like this i don't like that this is my sin this is my and we kind of like just jump in and we started exploring what it means and what does it mean for my wife to be this and my son to be that [Music] but i don't think we jump into it thinking like oh the ultimate goal here is to be able to set aside my personality with all of its limitations with all of its frustrations with all of its automatic mechanical preoccupations so that i might see larger greater options available to me i don't think most of us begin that way but it's it is a very interesting concept um i think it's fascinating and the idea is that the personality is not our essential self okay so you'll see this pop up in this book you'll see it pop up in other books as well is that behind the personality is the essence or our true essence or our essential self from a christian world view i would say the that behind the personality the self defensive mechanisms of type 7 or type 9 or type 1 is a little glimmer of the original design that existed in the garden of eden we are not that anymore we are broken from that but there is a little glimmer of that and when we can loosen the hold of the personality over us we can on a little bit in a slight way be able to go back to who we were before we became who we are i know it's metaphysical it it it creates a little bit of pain in my head to try to think this deeply about stuff remember i'm a seven right so the goal in a sense you might say is to become who we were before we became who we are now she says that in a little bit different way let me see if i can read exactly the way she says that um to become that which you were before you were with the memory and understanding of what you had become sounds a little confusing but i think what she's saying is as we can learn to observe our tendencies our impulses compulsions and we go oh this is seven stuff right now i'm a seven being a seven doing seven things thinking seven ways getting frustrated with my environment because my options are limited or whatever it is getting bored feeling trapped or frustrated when i observe myself feeling seven things the stuff that i read about the stuff that other sevens tell me when i observe myself getting agitated and irritated with my world instead of thinking well i'm agitated i'm upset i need to do something now what i'm going to be challenged to do is say oh i'm a seven feeling seven stuff i'm observing myself getting irritated or frustrated or feeling like i need to you know change my environment or change my scenery or do something different i can observe that i had that thought let that thought pass without needing to act on it see all the other options that are available to me like i could just you know let that thought pass and return back to and focus my attention back to what i'm doing rather than moving with that impulse or moving with that compulsion that impulse or compulsion might be moving me in a direction that's not most beneficial for me or others return my focus of my attention back to the moment be present to life and see other options that are available to me that i would not have noticed had i not observed myself yeah it's deep stuff it's interesting stuff now hidden underneath all of this if we are to identify more with our essential self or our essence than the impulses and mechanical compulsions of our personality there is within this a sense of potential like maybe i could live up to more potential than i've been living up to you know my personality is telling me you need to quit this and you need to go to disney world you need to quit this you need to go play putt-putt golf you need to quit this you need to go get a sandwich you need quit okay if i can let those impulses pass and say wow i'm really feeling impulse to leave one thing and go do something else but i don't need to necessarily follow that impulse what are my other options what are my other choices what are my other decisions if i could get a broader view of life return back to that essential self that isn't controlled by the impulses i'm breaking from my personality i'm coming back home to the person i was before i became the person i am with the memory of who i am become wow hurts my head now what's the practical help in this well i like to think like this you know it's helpful in realizing that sometimes when a four is feeling sad [Music] it's helpful to remember that oh yeah that's right i'm a four i'm feeling four things um maybe nothing needs to be done or when a two is feeling unloved or when a one is feeling like their environment is you know cluttered and somebody needs to um you know take responsibility or when an aide is feeling like you know they need to blame somebody or they need to be angry because other people are trying to get the best of them it might be helpful in those moments when we're impulse to realize oh yeah at this moment i'm feeling stuff that my personality feels and my tendency is to want to go and do the things that my personality is telling me to do it's all the stuff i read in all the books take action or withdraw action like a nine withdraw and just well it'll work itself out if i can recognize that that is my natural tendency that's my autopilot default setting if i recognize that in the moment i might be able to ask myself is that really what should be done what other options are available to me i know that right now everything within me feels like this this bit of action should be taken but is that the right action is that the best is that what should be done are there other options um i observe myself i break from that a little bit and i say you know in that moment i'm just a one feeling one stuff and eight feeling eight stuff a four feeling four stuff and maybe i don't need to react or respond in the way i typically would maybe there are other choices that could be made and there it is freedom we don't realize how controlled we are by our personality um how much of the time it is in control of us and we don't really see all of the options available to us because in the moment that's exactly what feels right to me so that's what needs to be done that's what needs to be said hey i'm just being real i can't help it this is who i am is it really who i am or is it the self-protective mechanisms that have developed to insulate me to buffer me from reality am i really seeing reality as it is or am i seeing reality through the eyes of a seven am i really seeing reality and interacting with reality as it is or am i seeing and acting through the lens of that personality okay um we see our preoccupations we see the box that we are in we start to realize how unfree we are um i thought this was interesting i i i i i don't know what to think about it but the person that she mentioned gert gergiev um he used to he used to apparently pull people together and and teach the enneagram but it sounds like his manner of teaching was very different than mine his manner of teaching was pulling people together and and orchestrating these big dances uh these big body movement seminars where people would get together and they would move and dance and the idea i guess was like you would see like how we move along the enneagram and how we get stuck and how we don't you know we don't move holistically we get stuck in seven or we get stuck in five or we get stuck here um and then he would do drinking like they would do they would do alcoholic drinks and they would you know play these games and they would drink and they would get drunk and the idea was like to release those inhibitions like how inhibited our personality creates us to be or causes us to be and so we want to release those inhibitions i don't know it's very interesting i don't i don't know what to think about all that um so let's go back to the content though uh self observation becoming aware of our thoughts the objects of our attention that arise within us recognizing your own mechanical habitual patterns the preoccupations within your own mind your automatic compulsions and the point is to learn to detach a little bit from those preoccupations and to see ourselves as an objective neutral outsider trying to neutrally neutrally trying to from a neutral standpoint observe ourselves and our impulses and our mechanical nature your own preoccupations um now this is so interesting i think she said this very well when we break from our personality and we let it loosen its grip over us a little bit and we start to see other options available to us that we're not just responding and reacting to everything the the very things that were controlling us now start to feel alien to us and even become slightly irritating now i think that this is a little bit obvious in that when i see other sevens doing what i would say is seven stuff and reacting in seven ways i can get irritated with that i'm like oh my goodness i know within me it's that same impulse to like run away from sadness to lighten the mood to uh you know leave the work that needs to be done to go do something more fun when i see other sevens doing that i i go to one you know and i feel like oh yeah that's not what you're supposed to do that's not the right thing and i can be very judgmental and harsh on other sevens when i see them doing the very same things i do now to some degree it's like when i when i recognize all the seven stuff of reframing of you know my tendencies there is there will develop a slight irritation within myself for myself so you start to bang your head and go there i go again a seven doing seven things or a one doing one things you know and that irritation that starts now that's not comfortable it's gonna make us uncomfortable as we grow and as we develop and as we mature and as we come back home to ourselves we're going to get more and more irritated with ourselves so we need to be more compassionate right of course but um as we see ourselves doing the predictable things living in the in the moment of preoccupation and impulses and compulsions we're going to get slightly irritated with ourselves that's to be expected uh we want to detach enough to let our thoughts go by the observer might begin to feel like the real self that observer within us who's going hey tom you're starting to get frustrated because our options are limited that's what's going on euro seven feeling seven stuff right now and so the observer that's noticing me feel this way or respond in this way i want to learn to identify that as the real me that's the essential self that's the essence behind the personality noticing how impulse i've become [Music] all successful psychotherapy depends on the ability to detach attention from the habits and describe them as from the vantage point of a neutral outsider interesting point she makes unmasking our blind spots and our defense mechanisms we see everything not as it is but as it appears to be to us your personality is in the way of seeing life as it really is interesting um the protective defense mechanisms cause us to lose connection with our essential self and that's what she calls and maybe she's quoting somebody else but she calls that's the fall from grace is that we've lost touch with our essential self and over identify with the personality so we develop a separate self that is adapted to the stresses of this life and helps us navigate the rough waters of this life but also boxes us in in other words we're living inside this boat there's a whole shore that we could walk there's a whole ocean that we could swim in but we're locked into this little boat we're locked into this little box again the enneagram i remember hearing this when i started my studies is the enneagram doesn't box us in it shows us the boxes we're already in it shows us the boxes that we inhabit when we recognize the impulses and see them as what i do and as how i'm feeling rather than who i truly am we begin the process of coming back home the goal is to become that which we you were before you were with the memory and understanding of what you've become we want to begin to see the 360 degree view from a larger perspective and the more potential than the very limited view we have um let's see when a child is under less stress this is something she says in the book when a child is under less stress then their personality type will look more like uh tendencies the personality structure the personality types the impulses and compulsions will be worn more lightly and they'll look like tendencies however when you're under great stress under great strain we will more over identify with the personality as though that's us and we will wear the personality much more tightly and those of those impulses will become more like obsessive tendencies obsessive rather than obsessive preoccupations rather than just tendencies so the goal is discovering how it controls our life and how the personality controls our life now um the real reason for knowing the enneagram um is so that we can see how controlled we've become and limited we've become by our personality type so that we can learn to set it aside and see the many more options that are in front of us now i added the many more options and maybe that's my own seven-ness speaking into this um it does sound that way doesn't it um so let's just say that without the many more options the real goal of studying personality is to see how limited we've become is to see how boxed in we are how not free we are so that we can begin to set aside the automatic mechanical mechanisms that limit our potential to see ourselves from the vantage point more of an observer doing the things that the personality type commands us to do and recognizing that we're not limited to the that way of interacting when i'm feeling something or thinking something to observe myself feeling it or thinking it rather than saying well that's how i feel i can't help how i feel i might say i observe myself feeling sad or angry or frustrated that is a natural response of my personality to insulate and buffer and protect me from something but i do not necessarily need to stay with this thought i might need to let this thought go and return back to the present moment or to see things from a larger perspective okay well i hope everybody's mind is blown um that's our study for today learning to try to get back to our essential self um to some degree to our original design to our original created design our potential um interesting stuff i don't know that i have it all fully understood but you know we're going to work on it together we're going to try to figure this out together and see the practical benefits and let our minds go to the deep end of the pool and uh you know discover what we can discover that can better our lives better the lives of the people around us and make us easier to relate to um i think one of the things you know over the time i've been studying the enneagram that's helped is when i feel myself getting frustrated seven has the line to one right when i wanted this is a very practical way when i want to do something enjoyable and for whatever reasons it's not working out the way i'd hoped or it's not working out the way i thought it would and i feel myself getting frustrated rather than just being frustrated and being irritated that things aren't going the way i'd hoped they would i observe myself getting frustrated and i think to myself ah there it is again my tendency to idealistically envision such a bright future that cannot possibly be attained or lived up to i feel myself sliding over to that one frustration that irritation because things are not as good as they could be and now i can either sit in my room and pout and be frustrated and or complain and be irritated or i can say maybe things are fine the way they are maybe everything is just as it should be and maybe there's a greater plan that's at work than my plans and maybe i can return to the moment and go ahead and be happy and go ahead and be enjoyable even though things aren't going along as well as i hoped they would i recognize myself getting upset i recognize myself getting frustrated and i can then kind of laugh at myself and say oh what a seven being a seven um let that go and rather than ruin the next five hours being frustrated irritated isolated withdrawn alone angry whatever it is sad let it pass and return back to the moment and say but there's still so much of life that can be enjoyed right now once i let that impulse go i don't know if i'm doing it right but i'm trying i don't know if i'm doing it right like i read how you're supposed to do it um where did the wisdom book go i don't know if i'm doing it right but i know i'm growing because growth feels painful and it feels difficult but um i think that's all we can hope to do is is try to grow to read understand as best we can and then try to implement um and make it practical okay guys have a good day be present to life return to the moment don't let your personality control you um you are more than just a one or a two or a six or a seven nowhere on my forehead is there a tattoo of a seven so why am i so limited to sevenness i'm not and that's a profound thought all right guys take care blessings

Channel: Dr. Tom LaHue

Views: 4,428

Rating: 4.9307361 out of 5

Keywords: personality, enneagram, type, relationships, marriage, family, love, home

Id: VfMAWZ_zEK4

Length: 34min 16sec (2056 seconds)

Published: Fri Jun 25 2021