The Enneagram: Help For Type 4

hey guys thank you so much for joining me for this video today we're going to be talking about Enneagram type 4 and I want to begin this by saying I do have several friends that are type fours and fours are great people this study will probably seem kind of harsh already forced tend to be very sensitive people and I certainly don't intend to offend my goal is to help you on your journey and to help you toward toward health and also for those of you that live with fours who are significant in your life and family relationships or friendships to help you better understand what's going on in the mind of a person who who identifies as a ninny Graham type 4 type fours and I have my notes in front of me so if I'm looking down that's that's what I'm looking at type fours are often called the individualist or sometimes called the romantic and I think this refers to the tendency and type fours to be concerned about what's going on internally they they're looking inside themselves fundamentally to to decide and to get information about who they are and what Austin tissa T is a very important component for fours is they want to be true to themselves and they want to be true to their own ideals and so they're looking internally for better understanding of who they are and what is important to them type fours everybody I guess it feels at times like they're misunderstood and I think nobody feels this way more than type fours they they feel like they're in a struggle for feeling significance they can tend to be the most creative and interesting people on the inia gram although they may not feel that way about themselves they want to maintain their identity by seeing themselves as fundamentally different than then other people so they tend to focus on those differences or those what they would maybe feel like deficiencies within themselves that tends to focus they focus and hone their attention on what they feel like is unique or special or different between them and others and they end up building an identity around those deficiencies or around those differences how unlike everyone else they are how how unique they are from others I think most people who are type fours they tend to understand that they they kind of march to the beat of a different drum it's not uncommon for fours when they start beginning to look at the Indian gram to resist it and say no there's no way that some kind of personality system or some kind of you know personality profile can can capture what's going on in my life and they'll feel like you know everybody else on in all the other types sure they're simple they're easy to understand you can pin them down and you know but but me I don't fit on anything like this and they often resist the Enneagram or find or resist seeing themselves as a for though that they may see themselves as a five you know or two or something else but it's hard for them to admit that that they could be understood because that's the whole whole problem or whole situation they're facing is they feel like they're not understood and that nobody understands them and that they often don't understand themselves and so to to suggest that no we understand here's a system called the Enneagram here's a system of understanding personalities that completely understands what's going on inside your heart and mind that can be an overwhelming thought to them that they may back away from and tend to resist that I don't really fit on any of these kind of personality charts I because that's the whole thing I'm different I don't I'm not understandable I'm unique I'm special I stand out which is ironic because at the real heart of this is they are not sure what it is about them that makes them unique they're not they haven't been able necessarily to identify what it is that makes them different but they know they're different they know they're different they know they're flawed they know there's something unique there's something special there's something broken you might say about them something missing from them or missing in their life and they probably have not been able to identify what that is and so they're on a quest they're on a search and they can live their whole life in this search of trying this and that search creates unrest creates tension that I've got to discover what it is that makes me special different and unique and and so they may move from from you know potential solutions to that problem you know thinking to themselves that well now I figured out what it is that's unique and they hone in on you know maybe the way they talk or maybe the way they look or the way they dress or the kind of music they listen to or the kind of foods that they eat or or understandings about their gender or understandings about sexuality and it can just kind of move through all kinds of different aspects of life looking for what it is that makes me stand out that makes me different that makes me unique I know I'm different I know I'm flawed I know I'm you know I don't fit into the systems now what is it and then once they have adopted that mindset now they're on the quest of what is it that that it is about me that makes me different and so they often go searching inward toward their feelings as clues to help them understand what makes them set apart what makes them different and so they're not afraid to investigate their feelings they're not afraid to investigate the deep things of life the dark things of life you might say in order to get clues as to better understanding who they are and and what's important to them now as a seven myself you know sevens tend to run away from those deep dark introspective thoughts we tend to try to flee you know those dark things in fact we we would think of them as dark things and I don't think fours necessarily would think of dark things as dark things they would just say you know there's there's light and darkness and both of them reveal information about yourself and there's no need to hurry through those desperate times or those dark times because they're real and and they would think I want to experience those dark things just like I the dark makes the light all that much lighter sevens don't think that way you know we think I want to run away from the dark and live in the light where four is I think say if you don't understand the darkness then how you don't appreciate and I think we could learn a lot from forth in that regard so for sometimes because they build an identity or tend to build an identity around how unique they are they tend to come across to the rest of us sort of elite or kind of like with an elitist attitude and I don't know that they necessarily intend on you know having an elitist attitude but it can come across to others on the Enneagram that that they have an elitist attitude sort of like you know I'm different than you so the rules don't apply to me okay so in that way they're they're similar to 8/8 the challengers kind of feel like they're above the law like well the laws are for all those you know people out there that that want to pay attention to laws but no I'm gonna do what I want to do fours tend to think that you know I'm different I'm special I'm unique I'm broken I don't fit in and so there's rules for everybody that are the normal people or the you know the mundane but then those rules don't necessarily apply to me I'm not saying that fours break the rules or the fours or law breakers but they may have sort of a disdain or a frustration with rules when applied to themselves they can see every exception to the rule and so they see themselves as an exception everything is kind of done in their own way their mantra that they would kind of tell themselves is I am myself and nobody understands me I'm different I'm special or if they kind of have a darker tone I'm broken while they secretly wish that they could enjoy the easiness and the confidence that it seems like everybody around them enjoys they they they they feel frustrated with life often because they don't feel like they do fit in they they may secretly wish they could fit in but they don't know how to fit in or they don't know what it would look like for them to fit in ones want to be good type 1 people want to be good and they want to leave the world a better place twos want to be loved and want to love others threes want to win fours want to matter okay now that's a good thing I mean if you watch my video on the threes you know threes could learn a lot from fours in this that you know what good is it to win the whole world and and lose you know and not have any meaning or significance any long-term purpose and so fours are on that search for purpose and so we're your three child is gonna go off and you know they're gonna go to a prestigious university they're gonna try to have a great career and earn a lot of money and accomplish a lot you know make a big impact make a big splash you might say fours you know may go off join the Peace Corps go off and decide we're gonna be missionaries we're gonna live off the land live off the grid we're gonna be missionaries because they're gonna think in terms of like I want my life to count for something important I don't want to live my life trying to you know earn money I don't want to try to live my life for just you know collecting paper green paper with presidents faces on it so they they may think in terms of like I want my life to count I want my life to be meaningful I want to enjoy a life with meaning and so they're gonna be drawn maybe away from what would traditionally be called success because to them it just seems so superficial they want something deep something heavy something important in life that's why they may be drawn to the arts or drawn to poetry or drawn to you know those those things that communicate that depth and communicate that importance the motivation for their life simply said is to find significance to find meaning and significance fours are afraid that they have no personal importance and are less significant than others that's the fear that's kind of driving them they are a continual on a continual quest to search for their lost identity and they feel like they're missing something in themselves sevens feel like we're missing out on something like there's some event over there that's going on there's some show on the television channel other than the one we're watching we're in a movie theater and we're wondering what the other movie next to us is like we're on a ride at Disney World wondering what the other ride is going to be like and sevens in a very unhealthy place you know can miss everything that is in front of them because there they feel like they're missing out on something else fours feel like they personally are missing something like there's something about themselves that is out of place or out of touch or is missing and so they're on that so like sevens are on a continual search for you know a greater experience fours are on a greater search are on a search for what is what has been taken from them or what is missing from them and so they're searching for their identity they're searching it's kind of like Eeyore you know and Winnie the Pooh he's lost his tail and so he's very melancholy he's very sad and fours can often be come across this very melancholy they're not afraid of sadness and so they can come across to the rest of us as melancholy and kind of like Eeyore who's on a patoot on a proverbial search for his lost tail fours are kind of like in this melancholy state they can be in an unhealthy place in a melancholy state on a continual proverbial search for their lost personality their lost identity their lost significance okay so the past can be a big problem for fours they contend to nurse old wounds and grudges or hold negative feelings to those that they don't think we're there for them or supportive of them in the past they are can be attached to longings within them their longing for something better their longing for maybe a rescuer I don't know that they would put it in those terms but they're longing for a rescuer who will come in and bring some comfort to them and bring a sense of identity to them and help them understand who they are in relationship to them and so they're kind of maybe longing for they have this sort of longing romantic I think that's why they might be called the romantic is because they have that longing for you know a better existence a better world a better experience these attached longings and disappointments in the past if not you know tempered could render them unable to recognize many of the treasures that are available in life right now for xate to understand themselves and to be understood by the rest of us so there is a longing with them in them to understand themselves what's going on and for others to understand and be more understanding of them be more tolerant or temperent of them they deeply desire to know who they are they they're on a quest this is the whole thing is they're searching for their identity they're on a deep desire to know who they are phors may then try out several personalities over the span of their life you know they may be very susceptible to being goth you know that set you apart after all you know I mean if everybody's into football and everybody's into popular music and everybody's and iPads and and you know and into getting a car and a job and all those things again fours are gonna feel like those basic social norms don't necessarily apply to them and so they may not be at all interested in getting a car getting a driver's license or getting a job or you know making it onto the band team because all those things are what normal people do I'm not normal I'm different and so you know they may seek to differentiate themselves away from others in the way they dress and you know and so they they will they will look at other people and they will look for what's different about them where twos are always looking for what we have in common you know what two is gonna say oh you're from Indiana I'm from Indiana Oh your dad was a mayor of this town while my dad was the mayor of his day well we have so much in common twos are always making connections fours are doing exactly the opposite they're saying what is it that sets you apart what is it that sets him apart what is it that's different and then they may be drawn to those differences and even adapt into their own life and try them on for a while but you know that's the kind of the thing the rest of us see is and we're going to everybody you know different looks exactly the same in a sense is they all look different that can be very frustrating to fours when they take so much time to differentiate themselves and only look like other people that have differentiated themselves and so they're all kind of walking around campus different than everybody else most people look fors you need to realize is most people don't think about this stuff they just don't think about it they they they they wake up they put on jeans they wake up they put on khakis because that's what they have they don't they a lot of people want to fit in they just wake up they put on khakis they put on jeans they put on a t-shirt they put on a shirt and they give very little thought off into it now threes might think about it but how they're coming across and how neat and put together they are but most people are just waking up and putting on clothes and getting a cheap haircut and you know practicing personal hygiene and they just go do their work school family whatever go through the events of their life without giving very little thought to any of this fours give a lot of thought to this they they look at it and say well everybody's wearing khakis and everybody's wearing jeans well then I can't wear those I've got to wear something different because I know inside I'm different and so they may know this is maybe unhealthy for us if you're hearing this in year four you may be offended say this is not true I'm gonna you know okay maybe you're in a very healthy place and you don't think like this okay and that's great I celebrate that that's awesome but I think a typical or an unhealthy maybe say and realize all of us in America I mean very unhealthy and our and our personalities very tied to our personalities into the brokenness of our personalities all of us I'm not picking on fours I mean we all have our problems watch the other videos okay and you'll see that I I get down and dirty and pretty serious with with every type but fours are you know looking and realize how much this backs you in a corner if you believe that if everybody's wearing jeans for example blue jeans okay by the way threes are very concerned with the label often you know I may be six is because six is one a fit and threes want to stand out and so sixes are everybody wears Levi's and sixes are gonna wear Levi's all right I know I'm oversimplifying things but be patient with me I'm just trying to make a point okay a metaphor if if everybody's wearing Levi's then sixes think I need to wear Levi's so I fit in threes are gonna say well I need to wear whatever diesel so I stand out you know because I my jeans cost three times as much as everybody else's jeans fours are gonna look at it and say well how am I gonna wear jeans if everybody's wearing jeans I don't care what kind of jeans they are then I'm gonna wear something different you know I'm gonna wear white pants or I'm gonna wear plaid pants or I'm gonna wear sevens might wear unique different stuff but it's for a totally different reason sevens are gonna wear it and say wait till they get a load of this this will really crack them up when they see me coming in with these blue polyester pants they're gonna laugh and I'm gonna make everybody feel good okay fours aren't thinking that way they're thinking I'm gonna put on these different pants that that nobody else wears and then people will see that I'm different in other words this is who I am now this this is this this reflects Who I am now I'm different so my clothing needs to be different but then you find yourself maybe walking around campus and seeing other fours or other people that are setting themselves apart and probably are frustrated with them they're doing the same thing you're doing but you may look at and go oh and that's that kind of elitist attitude that I was talking about earlier as fours can kind of walk around campus looking at everybody in khakis and jeans saying oh vulgarians look at them just just fitting in just so trying desperately hard to fit in but then you'll look across campus and you'll see another person who's standing out and look at them and maybe go look at them trying so hard to stand out and that's that kind of elitist attitude that you probably don't even recognize about yourself okay so is this stinging yet if this is stinging yet then we're on the track right we're we're healing and it's important that before you can cure the disease you have to know what the disease is right you have to be able to identify what the problem is or what the challenges are before you can offer a remedy so we're going to get to the remedy all right so fours deeply desire to be known they want to be known they want to be understood they want to understand themselves but like I said they may try on several different identities underneath the surface they may not really feel very certain about who they are and this is this is kind of the problem is they start to begin this they start to begin this to believe this like threes begin to believe the clothes make the man so I am my successes my successes I give me a clue as to who I am you know what I've accomplished and achieve that's who I am right and twos can start to believe I am Who I am because of all the connections that I have because I'm a loved a much-loved father or much-loved mother or a much-loved grandmother well then that's who I am that's my identity I'm the much-loved you know well what if people turn against you then who are you you see that's the problem you're building your identity based on you know the expectations and and definitions that others have assigned to you okay so here's what the four does they begin to investigate deep internally into their feelings okay because they are in the feeling group right twos threes and fours are in the feeling group and feelings come first four fours are four yeah four fours feelings come first and then thinking comes second okay and then action is last all right so in other words they fit you feel something as a four you feel frustration or you feel like you're not being accepted okay you feel like you're being made fun of or humiliated or whatever it is you feel maybe you feel happy and then you begin to think about what you feel you begin to over think about what you feel and you begin to dwell on your feelings and you look at your feelings as though they are clues as to your identity but at any given moment you may just be feeling what you're feeling and they may not be very good clues necessarily as to who you are it may just be that you're just feeling something and the feeling can pass you know maybe you don't have to analyze over analyze your feelings I feel like I'm not fitting in so why am I not fitting in that's the that's the way the think goes I feel like I'm not fitting in in this group and so then you begin to obsess on why you begin to think about your feelings and you could just let that feeling pass and say I feel like I'm not fitting in oh well maybe I am and I'm just I don't need to analyze over analyze this feeling but fours begin to believe I am what I feel okay let that sink in for a minute I am what I feel you can see the inherent danger in that what if you feel miserable well I guess then you are miserable okay so there's some inherent danger in this if I am what I feel your feelings are like a kaleidoscope if you search internally at your feelings they're ever-changing and these ever shifting feelings create an ever-shifting personality okay fours are often attracted to all things that are beautiful and meaningful art and aesthetics they can walk into a room you know and immediately like an artist think maybe how it should look to make it look more warm more attractive more aesthetically pleasing but here's the thing fours contend to surround themselves not with just beautiful things but also with dark things okay they they are surrounding themselves with meaningful things okay let's call them props props okay so you may look on one wall and see you know a very hideous picture or a very hideous you know statue of some kind maybe something grotesque like a goblin or something like that and then on the other wall you look over and you see something very beautiful something very attractive you know maybe some kind of beautiful painting of a human figure or you know of a skyline or something like that these things provide for is with with something to look at to stimulate emotion so when when you look at this hideous you know gargoyle or something it sparks an emotion okay so what you're trying to do is through props beauty attractive and unattractive things or or meaningful things is you're trying to strike emotions that can then help you identify your personality okay stick with me I know this is a little complicated but if you want to feel sadness then you need to look at the things that will spark sadness in your life and so maybe you have something on this wall and something on this shelf that will spark that sadness and then you can feel to some degree sadness okay so if you want to feel joy maybe you have other things around the room that can spark joy and so if I look at this picture or this you know maybe something that was given to me this prop it will spark joy if I want to if I want whatever and so by attempting to control your emotions it's like you're trying to control and understand and develop and fix and repair your personality my personality I don't know who I am and so I'm gonna get in touch with my feelings and right now I want to feel joy or right now and so you're trying to control your emotions with these props okay so I think that's what the props and things is all about is the aesthetics is I want to be surrounded by meaningful objects meaningful decorations because those can help trigger certain emotions and if Ike if I can't control Who I am if I don't know who I am at least I can control my emotions or try to control my emotions which helped me get a sense of my identity I realize that's pretty complex but I think that's what's going on and again I'm not a four I'm just trying to understand what I think is going on it's kind of like when I when I turn on you know a certain type of music let's say I turn on jazz it makes me sort of feel or or let's say like relaxation music you know or jazz it can kind of like relax you so what are you doing you're trying you're attempting not this is not for stuff this is just everybody stuff you're attempting to control your mood with a certain kind of music alright okay so if I want it to feel more upbeat and more excited well then maybe I would switch that over to you know dance music or pop music if I wanted to feel more nostalgic and sentimental I would go back and maybe listen to 80s music okay so I can control to some degree my emotional state through a prop of music okay I think that maybe makes sense I think that's kind of what Ford's are doing with a lot of things not just music but also clothing and also the decorations and colors that they choose in their house or colors that they choose in their in their room and and and one way of expressing all of that is through art and so if I can control and manipulate my emotions at least I can control that that's kind of the idea if I don't know who I am and I don't mind oh my personality and I feel like I have to look to my emotions to give me clues as to who I am how can I get in control of these emotions well one way you can try to control them is through props okay music art colors and the things that you surround yourself with I think that's what's going on in the life and in the mind of a four fours can be stuck in their feelings and can check out of the real world you might say or and over identify with their own flaws and believe that they'll never really fit in with others that they're so unlike all the rest of humans and human beings that no one could ever really understand them attic and therefore love them adequately okay that's a very sad place you know to go in your mind they often see themselves then you know in the positive is uniquely talented possessing one-of-a-kind gifts but also the dark side is uniquely flawed or uniquely disadvantaged so the root Center fors is what Envy Envy wanting what others have and I think the way that looks like in a for is everybody else seems to know who they are everybody else seems to just wake up and be somebody without a little thought to it you know they wake up they put on their jeans they put on their khakis like I said before they live in relationship with other people you know Frank over there he's Sam and and Tina's dad and Jill's husband and he works at the quarry seems like he knows who he is it seems like he never even thinks about who he is he seems like he fits in just fine it seems like he's got a job and he relates to people and he so everybody else this is the envy everybody else seems to know who they are they seem to know what they're about they found their meaning their purpose and it's like then aren't even questioning all of this they're just going off and and everything things seems to be working for them but here a4 is is kind of stuck saying Who am I am I the only ones that are thinking these deep thoughts you know where do I fit in what makes me unique what makes me stand out with it you know Jack seems to know who he is how come I don't know who I am Jack seems to go to work everyday with a very clear sense of purpose and meaning and Here I am stuck you know what am I gonna do with my life and what am i and so they just kind of envy what everybody else seems to have everybody else seems to be connected engaged and I seem to be broken and flawed and and and stuck so everybody else is living these normal lives and they don't want to be normal okay that's the thing force don't want to be normal they want to differentiate themselves but then they're envious that everybody seems to make it and everybody seems to you know have all these advantages but but then they have all these disadvantages so they chase after what they perceive everyone else has and when they finally arrive at these idealized their romantic ideas of what her relationships gonna be like oh it's gonna be so great it's gonna be you know when this person comes in sweeps me off my feet it's gonna be you know love made broken hearts and you know it's gonna be it's gonna be just this this euphoric kind of relationship well you know the reality is is most of these is very idealized it's very romantic but people don't often live up to our ideal estate romantic ideas right and so what's gonna come disappointment disappointment fours live in a perpetual state of disappointment because nothing ever really lives up to this sonnet you know that you've you've perpetuated in your mind and so forth can very easily get lost in a idealized romanticized view of the way life is supposed to be I think about that song by jewel who is probably a four you know these foolish games you know our heart is breaking because this person you know that she'd idealized didn't live up to the expectations and so you know he's off smoking a cigarette and reading his newspaper and making comments about the weather what's more what's more what's more mundane than the weather and here Jule her heart is just breaking you know breaking and that's I think where fours live that's their address is their heart is just breaking and the rest of us are just smoking cigarettes and making comments about the weather okay because fours are such so in touch with these deep significant romantic idealized dreamy you might say kind of the way life should be in this depth and this and the rest of us are just you know making comments on the when there's that elitism again okay so fours often feel empty disappointed frustrated with life um melancholy okay melancholy that's where it comes from alright so healthy fours are self-aware people who are in touch with their own feelings and their inner impulses they're extremely creative they have a tendency to not only think outside the box but live outside the box and there's that kind of idea of rules don't apply to me because I'm not in the box I'm outside the box they're captivated by beauty they're on a continual search to better understand themselves their own idea their identity they're very sensitive and intuitive they like to express themselves and are highly personal and here's a very important concept for fours authentic fours want to be authentic in fact they will demand you be authentic or they probably won't want to have anything to do with you anymore if you're not real see threes you can learn a lot because threes deceit right threes may be afraid of being authentic because people will reject me so I've got to I've got to polish up the image fours are not about that right fours want to be authentic genuine and real and if people don't like it they can they can stick it right because fours they want to be authentic and they're gonna demand now this makes them great counselors at times they're not afraid to go to the depths of despair with you they will walk through tragedy with you and if you've if you're going through a hard time in life you're going through a difficult time a seven may run away from you or say hey let's let's go out and and and escape you know the night let's go out in the night let's escape all of this and have a good time fours will sit there and let you weep and will weep with you and the darker it gets the more they'll lean in they're not going to run away from it they're not afraid to go there and that's what makes fours great sometimes great counselors is they are able to go to those depths of despair with you okay so force and their and they'll want you be authentic they don't want you to to color things better than they are just be real be real be yourself that's the whole thing for they're trying to be real and be themselves if they could just get a sense of who themselves are that's the challenge okay so okay so force hate superficiality they seek authentic expression their music and their art can be so real and passionate oh yeah this is something I was going to say so I talked a minute about about force painting themselves into a corner what I mean is this if everybody wears khakis and jeans then you can't if you feel like you have to be different than you feel in you so you know what you left with well probably what the rest of us would think of as strange okay and so fours kind of grow up maybe thinking and hearing at least they're weird and that frustrates them because they're not trying to be weird that's not their goal but at the same time they kind of the kind of flatter them the kind of are flattered by that what what force hate the most is ambivalence when you just ignore them it's when they don't stand out that that I think fours get nervous right so I think fours would like to fit in but more than anything is they they don't want to just disappear they don't want to disappear to life and in life but you know if everybody loves Mexican food which I'm a big fan if everybody loves Mexican food and then and you feel like you have to be different then now I guess you can tea Mexican food okay it's kind of like well if I'm not gonna wear polyester I'm not gonna I don't like popular music because everybody likes popular music that's why it's popular right but I don't like popular music Oh country oh I hate country music that's all Oh Bulgarians listen to country music oh you know vulgarians wear the blue jeans all vulgarians and so what do you have left you see you start to differentiate yourself so much that you may be missing out on a lot of things that you could enjoy in life if you could just relax and not feel like you have to be different than everybody okay I can't stand those people just sit around and watch TV all day well there's a lot of good television maybe you're missing something you know that you could enjoy but mom I can't watch TV because that's what Bulgarians do you know I can't and so you may be painting yourself into a corner and missing out on a lot of the things in life you could enjoy but oh I I don't I don't eat dairy or I don't eat wheat or I don't eat you know meat or I don't eat and the list goes on and on and on of how different you are but a caution you may be missing out on a lot of things that you could be enjoying that can make life more meaningful but since everybody else is doing it you feel like you can't okay alright so fours are often called you know the deep-sea divers of the soul they're willing to go to those depths and that's one of the things I appreciate about you guys they'll help not only not only befores get in touch with their deep emotions but they can help me get in touch with the deep emotions that I may be trying to avoid as a seven so you guys can help me with that sadness for most of us is a bad thing we want to avoid it you know people start crying what do they do they start wiping their eyes you know and they start sucking it up because they maybe even ashamed that they're showing weakness you know by being sad sadness for most of us is a burden but fours don't necessarily think of sadness as a burden or something to be avoided it's something to be appreciated it's something that's a clue to helping you understand you know who you are sadness is just another aspect of themselves something else that needs to be explored they're not afraid of the ugly pain of brokenness and heartache and so they even write songs about it and that's one of the reasons we there's so many great for songwriters is is because they're willing to get in touch with those emotions that most of us want to bury that's why there's the deep-sea divers okay they're profoundly creative expressing themselves and their emotions through music poetry art the way they dress and in many other ways okay so force can have a dark side we've been talking about it but let me go a little deeper when force focus on what what is missing it makes them hard to be happy it's hard to be satisfied when you're constantly focusing on what you're missing or what's missing in you or what's different in you fours have a tendency to intensifier to amp up their personal feelings sevens amp up the intensity the energy okay and they want to keep the energy light so that they don't feel scared that's videos coming later fours are not dealing with fear they're dealing with shame threes and fours are in the feeling group they're in the shame group okay well let me explain that a little bit twos say well how do I know I'm person of value and worth maybe I need to be ashamed no I'll be helpful to you and then I have nothing to be ashamed of because I'm here to help you I don't have any needs twos don't have needs that's what they think I don't have any needs I'm here to help you that's pride is their sin okay so they run away from the shame cloud think of it as a cloud trying to get over your head and twos get away from the shame cloud by saying I don't have needs I'm here to help you I'm here to take care of you I know I'm valuable because of what I've done for you after all I've rescued you and twos are always on a rescue mission okay threes the shame clouds coming for them to know I don't need to be ashamed because I'm ahead of everybody else I've accomplished more than everybody else look at what I've earned look at what I've achieved look at what I've accomplished and so I have nothing to be ashamed of because I've accomplished so much but its shame that's driving them to accomplish all of that okay and to achieve all of that I'm ahead of you so I have nothing to be ashamed of you're behind me okay fours the shame cloud is over your head too alright how do I know I'm a person of value how do I know I'm a person of worth am i loveable that's the same thing twos and threes are facing it's the same question fours are facing a my loveable am i worthy of love shame cloud is over your head how do you get away from it I'm not like everybody else I'm different okay after all I am worthy of rescue and so fours will differentiate themselves away in a bid that others would come and rescue them back now I know the tension is rising within you as you hear this you're gonna think oh this guy's lost his mind I'm gonna make an angry comment here because he doesn't he doesn't know what he's talking about all right let me tell you what this looks like a for everybody in the room is laughing you're at a family reunion everybody's enjoying themselves laughing everybody seems to know who they are in relationship to all the rest of the family what's a four feeling right now a disconnection they're feeling like they don't fit in they're feeling like they don't belong they look at this family and they say okay I get it everybody here is all related and I'm related to them but I must be more than just you know a Johnson so they're related all these Johnson's or Smith's or whoever this family is everybody's laughing having a great time enjoying themselves you look over and you look at the four and there's tears welling up in their eyes and they're not connecting they're disconnecting everybody's connecting what are they doing the opposite disconnecting and they're saying everybody seems to know who they are they're all Smith's I've got to be more than just a Smith Who am I I must be different than this and so everybody's laughing having a good time where's the four going away from the group they're going away from the group in sorrow and maybe two or three people will follow after them is everything okay is everything all right we love you it's gonna be okay and they're trying to draw you back and you know you're a person of value and worth because somebody came after you and rescued you and brought you back okay the opposite go the opposite scenario you're at a funeral and everybody's crying everybody's upset and everybody's hurt and everybody's crying everybody's down everybody's depressed what's the four doing maybe snickering over to themselves look at all these people they there's they can't handle look they just go around in their lives as if death is never going to get them and then when it gets somebody they lose their minds and they're all in tears ha ha ha and they're kind of snickering to themselves they're doing the opposite of what everybody else is doing everybody's at a concert and we're all having a great time the four runs to the bathroom and tears two people go running out to them and then they may they there they're feeling something but they may not know how to express it and so if you you come you chase that person out and sit with them in the bathroom they're gonna tell you my grandmother's dying of cancer I don't know what I'm gonna do my life's just going down though you know there's not a tear in their eyes because they don't really care that their grandmother's dying of cancer that's not the problem the problem is is I don't fit in everybody seems to be enjoying themselves I feel the opposite I feel the opposite and so they may come up with a reason why they're running away but the that may not really be the reason the reason is is I know I've got to be something else than this Who am I it's an identity question so I don't need to be ashamed because I'm not like everybody else I'm different and at the end of the day it's it's shame that forzar running away from it's that sense of worthlessness am i a person of value well you know of course obviously you can see Bibles behind my shelf here and you see I got a church name on my shirt I work at a church so you know as a Christian we understand where our sense of Worth comes from it doesn't come from what I accomplished like threes it doesn't come from my connections with other people like twos it doesn't come the fact that I stand out and I'm different like fours our value comes in our that we are intrinsically designed by a creator and have a thumbprint on us of divinity that makes us a people a value simply because we are created for a purpose and created by purpose and on design and so I know a lot of people don't share that view and that's okay you can still be helped by the intagram but you're gonna have to deal with these issues of value and worth because that at the core is what's going on that that at the core is the challenge is am i a person of value and worth only if I differentiate myself or what if I'm just like everybody else would I still be a person of value worth you got to figure out your answers for that all right so fours fear loss and abandonment and separation what they separate themselves from others but that's what they're afraid of they're afraid of being separate from others they can be very sensitive they feel both flawed and missing something in life and at the same time unique and elite so there's a paradox there they often feel like outsiders like they're on the outside looking in to life they're suspicious of personality profiles we already talked about that and they may have grown up hearing that they're weird and they didn't fit in and that bothered them but at the same sense they're kind of proud of it because they don't necessarily want to fit in what they hate is when people ignore them and are apathetic to them they at times withdraw from others to sort out their deep feelings for is also or in I push-pull dynamic with people okay so they'll they'll move in and be close with you but then they'll kind of like a cat scratch you and run away from you and you think what did I do wrong you didn't necessarily do anything wrong this is what's going on a four leans in and they say okay I love you I know I'm in a relationship with you I'm your husband I'm your wife I'm your child I'm your parent whatever but then they start to have those doubts of is this all is this all I am is your husband or your wife is this all I am you know and so because that uneasiness of their identity creeps up they will scratch at you not physically maybe but they will push you away and and distance themselves from you okay and they've got to sort out all of those deep feelings and sort out all that because they're gonna feel and think they're gonna feel and think and so they're gonna push away from you take time to sort out all those feelings and maybe wait for you to come bring them back into the relationship and so it's called the push-pull dynamic or if you think of an animal a cat this is what cats do dogs you basically look at them right and they come over and they want to be pet they want attention and they will sit there and they will endure lots and lots of attention right and give you lots of attention cats on the other hand you know we think of them as temperamental Moody you know they'll come when they're ready and you you're petting a cat and you think everything's going great and then where they bite yeah right are they scratchy and fours can be kind of like that in your life they move in and get close but then they seek to differentiate themselves and so they push away from you not necessarily even knowing why they're doing it okay but they want to be original and authentic to themselves and their feelings and so they'll push away from you and they'll say I love my family I those relationships are important to me but that isn't what defines me there must be more to me than just being their son or being their husband okay not so much I'm better than you but I'm different than you and the rules don't necessarily apply to me social norms and dress so you know everybody shows up at work and basically the same kind of work appropriate clothing a form may show up in the same uniform but they'll differentiate themselves maybe in the way they wear that uniform or maybe some pin they're wearing or the way they do their hairstyle or maybe they paint something on their face you know they're just not sure that the uniform specifically applies to them as it applies to everybody else so they want to maybe the kind of earrings they wear or stand out and make them different whatever they're afraid of being unnoticed unseen unheard no one's going to see me no one cares about me so they're kind of hiding that shame of feeling ordinary okay like being ordinary is a shameful thing oh those people over there just doing the same mundane things in life there's a shame associated with that being ordinary and they're rising above that or away from that you might say some examples of force in our culture Provera professor Severus Snape on on Harry Potter Edward Scissorhands Johnny Depp April Ludgate on parks and recreation Arthur from King of Queens Kurt Cobain Bob Dylan Michael Jackson Prince Elton Boy George Jewell Lady Gaga Amy Winehouse Jim Morrison Alanis Morissette the music of Pink Floyd Judy Garland Michelangelo Claude Monet Vincent van Gogh Salvador Dali Edgar Allen Poe and rice and Gene Wilder okay so there's a good there's a line up there of people that are different right they are different you go back rewind that listen to that list again look up pictures of them I don't have time to show you all those pictures but they're different a four with a wing three is called the eristic our wrist ik rat okay they're more flamboyant they create with the audience in mind and they kind of say I'm really different I really am unique and you're gonna love me for it I'm a performer I'm gonna be the biggest and the best at being different and they may deliberately dress sort of a standout and they are tend to be emotionally more charged and intense the four wing five is called the Bohemian and it's enough for them maybe to know they're different they don't have to display it all the time and they enjoy the process of creation and discovery more than the presentation of that differences and the real world is less authentic to them and real to them than their inner landscape and so they're very kind of stuck in that inner world they may know they're different but they don't go out of the way to show it they're more intellectual than the four wing three and they may reveal their uniqueness in the way they talk more than in the way they look and so they'll kind of maybe should get them alone they'll say you know this world is going to hell in a handbasket and I just don't know why people do the things that they do and people are just vastly mistaken the way they eat they eat all this you know non-organic food and path just terrible you go to Dunkin Donuts all I would never do that I'll never you'll never see me being a part of that a three mom might say my kids are on the honor roll my kids accomplish my kids win my kids are on the team a four moms like my kids are learning Latin my kids only drink raw milk my kids you know we're only cotton you know so they're gonna be different and they're special because they're different where the threes mom is just there kids are special because of what they can accomplish and that they're winners and the two mom their kids are special because they're and they're kind and they're so loving and so friendly fors reject anyone or anything in life that doesn't support their self-image they become increasingly dependent on a few people to maintain that way of life and may be frustrated with people they don't feel like are being supportive of them everybody's let me down and so they can kind of alienate themselves away from others and since you know a deep sense of futility and meaninglessness in life they have feelings of self contempt at times and an irrational hatred of others whom they believe have let them down and that those thoughts torment them they may begin to feel worthless and hopeless becoming you know self despair and self destructive force tend to use their imagination to stimulate and prolong emotional reactions again they look inward to their emotions they can become very fussy and perfectionistic about what they want in life we talked about their roots in of envy they can deprive themselves of things that are meant to be enjoyed because they want to be different and differentiate themselves as children as children phors may have felt disconnected from their parents and decided to look inward to their own feelings and imaginations for their sense of idea identity they felt cut off from the source of love for reasons they couldn't understand and as a result they turned inward to their own feelings and imaginations to cope with that isolation their basic fear is of having no identity and no personal significance their basic desire is to be themselves to find themselves and their significance to create an identity out of their inner experience and the message they tell themselves is you are good or okay if you're true to yourself withdrawn fours when they're unhealthy they are in a withdrawn state when they're unhealthy they disintegrate into compliant tubes and what that means is is when when if or is under stress you'll know it because they'll look like a - they'll be making up with you they feel like maybe they're scratch or they're push away from you has been too severe and so now under stress they're coming back to try to re-establish this relationship and so now they seem friendly again they want to get up in your lap they want to purr and so you feel like Oh things are good again they're under stress it's a sign that that that for has been thinking to themselves oh maybe I've gone too far maybe I'm going to be disconnect may this person's gonna disconnect from me totally so under stress they'll come back with kindness and friendliness and remind you of all the good they've done for you like a to remind you of how important you are to them and how they are to you and so that's a sign they're under stress when fours are secure and healthy guess what number they go to ones think about what a one does they do what needs to be done when fours are healthy they quit all of this speculating on their feelings and they just wake up and say here's some things I got to get done the day in other words they show up to life they get present to life they never become a 1 they still have those deep inner meaningful feelings and thoughts but they're able to set those aside for a minute and say maybe my feelings don't determine who I am and maybe I need to just show up at work in my uniform and get my job done and that's when fours are healthy when they just show up and get their tasks done that need to be done there's the word mundane when they can just do the mundane now they'll never do them in just a completely mundane way but when fours can just say maybe I'm normal maybe I have a personality maybe I'm not inherently flawed the healing message is maybe I'm not inherently flawed maybe I'm okay maybe I have a personality maybe people do know who I am and maybe they love me and accept me for who I am and even if I haven't sorted out all the details of what's my life and where my meaning and purpose and all that come from maybe I do have meaning in purpose and maybe I'm not inherently flawed and maybe I can just show up and do my job and do my work and be present to relationships and love people and accept them for who they are and be present in those relationships maybe my feelings are not necessarily always the best source of information for me and maybe I can set my feelings aside for a moment and just do what needs to be done in life there's your healing path that's when four is moved to that's when fors moved to integration they show up to life they overcome that sort of self-absorption and self-consciousness and just and all those subjective moods and show up to life okay let's see twos we're talked about that threes fours okay let's talk about the steps toward healing and health okay last thing I want to I want to try to keep this to an hour and I appreciate you sticking with me for this long most people would have checked out by now but I hope this has been helpful for you so steps toward healing and health number one so what do you do with this this information you just learn number one don't pay so much attention to all of your stormy feelings okay they come and they go they come and they go they come and they go if you were talking to me as a seven and I felt like as a seven mana I feel anxious I feel like maybe I need to know what else is on TV you might look at me and say look Tom just settle down and just enjoy the show that's on don't worry about what you're missing just enjoy the show that's on see if I'm always changing channels I can't enjoy any Channel that's the way sevens live is always changing channels but they can't enjoy any program because they won't sit with it long enough okay so for a for let me say to you alright let me let me talk to you for a second don't pay so much attention to your feelings you feel stuff let it pass you don't have to act on every feeling you don't have to let every feeling inform and say well I feel unwanted so I guess I'm unwanted okay your feelings are not necessarily a true support for you don't equate your identity with what you're feeling you don't need to understand all of your feelings before you take action or move to action always remember that your feelings are not telling you something are only telling you something about yourself at that particular moment not necessarily anything more than that okay number two avoid putting things off until you're in the right mood that probably just stung a little bit commit yourself to being productive and doing mean meaningful work and making a contribution to others not just when you're inspired but on a daily basis I know that's what normal mundane people do and that's your path the health fours are extremely creative and they're innovators and they have new vision and they have fresh ideas so you're never gonna be a one you don't have to be afraid that you're gonna fall into this just this one category you're always going to do those mundane things in your own unique way okay and that's what's gonna make you excel and make us appreciate you so much you always envision a better world than yesterday work consistently in the real world though don't let yourself be so absorbed in the better world of what could be the idealized world that you're not present to the real world so think about the way things could be and then start bringing those into the way things are okay the real world your happiest when you're working if you're unhealthy for you may not have been working for a long time you're so frustrated so upset so let down by others so depressed so disheartened so melancholy that it's hard for you to suck it up and go to work but you are happiest when you go to work you're happiest when you lose your identity oh what a overwhelming thought for for when you just lose this quest in the search for identity and just show up to life and just do what needs to be done you'll find yourself happiest when you're making a contribution when you're working being productive okay you will not find yourself in a vacuum so stay connected with others oh I can't I don't know who I am when I'm in a relationship to my family I must be something different than this so you move away from them you're happiest and you'll find your identity best when you're in connection with other people you don't need to isolate yourself to know who you are you don't need to go to Boulder Colorado you know to find yourself you can find yourself best in relationship with other people all right number three self esteem and self confidence will develop on from having positive experiences whether you believe you're ready for them or not [Music] you are ready to take on the challenges of the world even if you don't feel like you are you're ready if you'll show up you don't need any more time to get yourself together stop putting your life on hold and commit to doing something worthwhile in the present world as it is number four practice self discipline discipline sleep regular hours eat a regular diet exercise regularly self-discipline is not contrary to freedom and all the things that you want to experience in life they're not not the enemy it'll middle make you more creative think of self-discipline as the easel and the canvas it's not the art but now the art can be expressed because there's form and structure so regular hours regular job regular clothes regular whatever that's your that's your easel okay it's not the art you're now able to put the art into that number five avoid lengthy conversations in your own imagination I'm just gonna let that one go for now six talk openly with someone you trust find somebody you can be authentic with that will not run away from you when you share these deep things in life that'll let you be yourself and let you talk and walk in relationship with that person seven serve others serve others something we all value but have a hard time actually doing you'll become less self conscious and have better perspective of yourself when you're making a contribution to others get involved in some way and pouring your life out for other people it's a paradox but you find yourself when you lose yourself I remember somebody the very famous saying that you'll find yourself when you lose yourself by serving others eight refuse the tendency to dig up the past I know you can dig back there and say you didn't you weren't there for me you it's not gonna help you complaining about your parents and thoughts about your unhappy childhood which is characteristic of fours by the way and your unfulfilled past and your unfulfilled relationships remember that you have an idealized standard of the way things should be it's hard for people to live up to that ideal standard of your parents your old girlfriend they most people can't live up to your idealized dreams okay someone would like to understand you though if you'd let if you'd open up your life and make a real effort to communicate with them right now just because you had a difficult upbringing does not mean that you're allowed to live with different expectations on you than are what honor on everybody else okay number nine resist the tendency to take everything so personally everything is not an attack at you alright everything is not aimed at you and even if someone did intend to harm you at some point you can get over that all right a critical and hostile remark about you does not reflect the whole truth about you and it's not the universal truth about you it's just somebody's opinion of you at that moment you can let it go usually people are so busy worrying about themselves they're not even thinking about you that's a hard thought for force to take in is that people aren't thinking about you and they don't really want to notice you okay they're doing their own life and stuck in their own on health that they you know are not necessarily trying to contribute to your own health they're just unhealthy themselves the more you dwell on those harsh things that were said to you the more unhealthy you're gonna become so let yourself move on give yourself permission to move on say I got things I got to get done I can't live in this old past last one number ten be aware of how harsh you talked to yourself you tend to say things to yourself that you would never dream of or doing or saying anyone else learn to notice that inner voice of self rejection that you listen to and try to become a friend of yourself stand up for yourself and give yourself a fighting chance alright we're on this journey together guys if you love a4 be compassion be present if you are for try to be more present to life as always thank you guys for checking out this video I hope it's helpful to you feel free to like comment and subscribe we're on this journey together I'm here to help you and together we make this world a more beautiful place alright thank you guys especially you for us because you guys care about beauty and you make it a beautiful place alright ill see you next time take care

Channel: Dr. Tom LaHue

Views: 63,204

Rating: 4.9263988 out of 5

Keywords: Enneagram, personalities, family, marriage, parenting, love, enneagram 4, enneagram four, enneagram type 4, enneagram type four

Id: o4tehBBto1U

Length: 65min 35sec (3935 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 06 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/aveons]

probably the best one i’ve watched on 4s so far actually ^ ^