Enneagram: "Never Do This" To Each Type

hey guys thanks for joining me for another video today we're going to talk about never behaviors for each type or you might say more accurately never ever behaviors to do two each type I wife is a brain trainer she works with people of all different abilities all different ages to help them develop their processing skills mentally so that they're able to accomplish and become everything that their to the reach to the best of their abilities and she talks about when she deals with children and with parents who are dealing with children with behavior problems never-ever behaviors behaviors that are never appropriate you know what such as throwing tantrums in a store or that kind of thing there's never ever a reason to behave like that and these are never ever behaviors for each type or in relationships with each type so let's start with the one the this is a something I ran across on the Internet and maybe you haven't seen it maybe you have but I just wanted to give some thoughts and reflections on it today but never ever behavior to do to a 1 to a type 1 is to criticize a 1 never ever criticize a type 1 person and I think that probably comes from the idea that they're trying to always do the right thing they're always trying to be good or I should say it's within their personality to always try to do that they may not but depending on their health level or they may be just trying to push against their personality once they discover the intagram they may say hey if I have this you know impulse to always be good what would happen if I if I worked against that impulse you know tried to stretch myself and be bad for an hour you know well I think this comes from the idea that if if it's within your impulse or your compulsion to always try to do the right thing and be good and it can be very difficult for you to hear that you did something wrong and I think it's very difficult I think ones find it difficult to apologize in the sense of admitting wrong because that's the whole shenanigan that's the whole deal is I'm not going to do things that I believe are wrong I'm not going to do things that I think are you know inconsistent and to own that and say I'm sorry I did the wrong thing I was bad that is an overwhelming thought I think to most ones and so criticizing a one realize your going out and telling them that you know the whole thing they're working for to be good that they've you know not achieve that so the never ever behavior for a to the giver the helper is to take a two for granted so never take a two for granted and that's probably speaking to the fact that most of us do my wife is a two and it's easy to take her for granted she's the two wing one or it's called the servant and you know I mean that's what that's her personality she wants to serve she wants to help she wants to give she wants to take care of you and you know with five kids in the house we let her and we should we should be more careful more responsible you know not to take her for granted I don't think she enjoys washing dishes or cleaning up after us or you know taking doing all those chores any more than anybody else does but she maybe just feels more compelled to do those things because it's within her nature to want to give and want to serve it's easy for those that live with it to to take that person for granted and just sort of think oh well they're super super human power is they want to give and they want to take care of and they want to you know help me so I'm gonna let them do that as much as they want to and you know they like anybody else would like to be appreciated for what they're doing and maybe more so than other types want to be appreciated although twos you know we're never gonna ask for that because they don't have any needs they try to act like or think like they don't have any needs what they do they have needs and so you know make sure you don't take them for granted ins if you want to you know get in close with that that person that's a one you know for example tell them you appreciate what a great job they did now conscientious they are and how much attention to detail you know that they gave if you want to draw in close and build a relationship with it then appreciate them and say wow thank you so much for what you did for me and they'll say oh it was nothing it was nothing but inside you know there's probably something else going on there they're glad to receive that appreciation and to be noticed all right what's the never ever behavior for a 30 the achiever well the never behavior you know to in an act in relationship with the three is to ignore them you know they probably want to be admired I mean their sense of worth comes from what they've accomplished or how admirably are and so it's at your own detriment to ignore them acknowledge what they've done acknowledge what they've accomplished I mean I'm not saying feed into the the dangers of their personality type but it's not gonna hurt you it's not going to kill you to notice what they did notice what they accomplished notice you know what they've achieved and say wow that took a lot of effort you know I'm proud of you you know people just don't hear that anymore in our culture I'm proud of you and you can really build people up and encourage them which I know you want to do you can really build people up and encourage them by telling them how proud you are of them and this probably means more to threes than anything else you could say to them man I'm really proud of you you and and to be sincere about it you may not necessarily be driven or compulsive accomplish all these things or achieve or to be admired and all that but recognize they are and if you come alongside of them point out what they did and say wow that's awesome you know that must have taken a lot of effort a lot of dedication on your part and you know I really can appreciate somebody who works so hard you know to accomplish so much something like that I think it's gonna go a long way but you know the worst thing you can do is just ignore it and I know if you've got an unhealthy 3 in your life they may be just piling on one accomplishment after another and you get you you get you can see through it and you and you may feel like I'm not going to acknowledge them I'm not going to notice that I'm not going to give them the feedback they want from me well why do that I mean the healings not going to come for them as long as you know they're stuck in that state so maybe give them what they're after and tell them you know how much you admire them and how much you appreciate them and and you know let them feel what they're needing to feel that sense of Worth and value and then maybe say something you know that that counteracts that maybe say something like you know it's something that speaks to them as a person rather than what they've accomplished so you may start with something like wow it's amazing what you've done you've got a great report card you did so good I'm so proud of you that's awesome you've worked really hard you're very dedicated to that and you know I really appreciate people that can work hard like that and be focused like that and as they kind of puff themself up and smile and feel that sense of Worth then you might say something that helps them detach from that from finding their Worth that way and say but you know even if you didn't accomplish all that you know I love you for who you are something you know along those lines all right never ever behavior for a for the individualist I think I think it's not to some degree what's true for the three that was just on here it's probably true for the four too ignoring a four you know that probably isn't something that they appreciate either even if force can sometimes stand out sometimes for the wrong reasons you know they don't want to be ignored they may do things to draw attention to themselves and but they don't want you to be apathetic toward them but here's what it says for the four never tell if or what to do never ever tell a four what to do I had to think about that that's probably because fours want to be authentic and genuine to themselves and they want to be real and they want to act on what they feel is the right thing or the right course of action and so when you tell a for what to do it's as if you're minimizing their own sense of what they feel they should do and their own authenticity and you're saying hey I think you need to do it like this the way I think and you know forces are gonna be have that creative edge see the differences see the distinctions differentiate themselves and so if you tell a forward to do they probably you know or either going to do it very frustrated or they're going to do it in their own unique way or they're just not gonna do it you know fours and eights tend to think that the laws the rules don't apply to them they sort of look down on those laws are for normal people and force you know kind of as their personality at their core is I'm not a normal person so the laws don't apply to me so the never ever behavior for a for is to tell them what to do you know not get their input and not let them talk about it just assign it to them once probably like that I don't know I'm not a one but I would I would think that one's probably you know tell me what to do give me the rules give me the parameters and I'll follow them out I'll carry him out I'll accomplish it you know I'll get it done all right never ever behaviors for a five are what to never do to a five never underestimate a five never underestimate a five and I think that's probably true you know fives in there unhealth can look like sevens in the sense that they're kind of bouncing around I like to think of it as lunging they're lunging their information where it's not wanted their lunging into conversations and dominating them with facts and statistics you know they're lunging at things and sort of kind of you know frolicking without any real sense of purpose and direction unhealthy fives healthy fives on the other hand our challengers they look like an eight they challenge you with information they challenge you at just the right moment at the right time with the right information to make a difference never underestimate of five never underestimate their knowledge it's amazing I know I have a lot of fives in my life and the Trivial Pursuit knowledge that these people contain is just astounding you know you you just bring up a random fad you hear a random fact like the other day I was talking with a five somebody said something about parking on the street you know is it okay we live in Florida in a neighborhood and somebody says and a lot of people Park in their grass and they don't park on the road because they don't want their cars to get in the way of traffic so they park on there you know that little space between your sidewalk and the street that little space they park there often instead of parking in the grass and we don't have mud in Florida we just have sand and so your car doesn't get stuck and we were having this conversation about you know is it appropriate to park in the street is it appropriate to park in that yeah and and somebody brought up about whether or not you as a homeowner own the land between your sidewalk and your street you that little strip of grass is that owned by the homeowner or is that owned by the is that right-of-way of the street is that owned by the city and immediately you know there was a five in the room immediately they knew the answer to it and it's like how do you how do you know that stuff but they just know stuff they're just they're there their net is always out so to speak and they're always absorbing information and taking it in and it's amazing the stuff that the fives just pick up and keep you know I hear a lot of stuff and learn a lot of stuff and then it just kind of like disappears but uh never underestimate a five their ability to focus their ability to concentrate their ability to reason and think things through and then to tap then to give counsel you know without all the emotional disturbance you know they can give counsel now where it comes into a problem sometimes is sometimes fives don't always initiate action they don't always take action they have this wealth of information but it can be hard for them to transition into action so never underestimate a five ability to sort things out reason it out gather the information give you the correct answers give you the correct information okay all right the never ever behavior for a six the loyal skeptic the team player what's the never behavior for it for the team player is never ever and you guys that are sixes probably already know what's coming never ever lie 206 never ever tell a lie 206 and I think that probably comes from the fact that sixes want to know they can depend on you that's the whole thing is there they feel like they're internal guidance system has been now they don't necessarily agree then you don't understand why you need people to be loyal to you and why you show much so much loyalty to others those of you guys that understand the India gram understand that the reason why is because six is it's like a monkey wrench has been thrown into their internal guidance system and they're not sure that they can sort things out for themselves all the time they need and want people around them experts around them loyal friends around them that will help them process whether things are threats whether things are you know potential threats or whether things are okay and so they're always taking in the information they they're really close to that five they're they're taking in the information and their reasoning and problem solving and troubleshooting and and if you lie to them then you're not somebody that's dependable and reliable and they'll remember that because it's like a red flag went up that said this person is not trustworthy this person is not reliable this person is not dependable scratch them off the list do not count on them when you are in a crisis you've been identified you've been marked so to speak so I think you know a six would rather you just tell them the truth no matter how bad it is so that they know they can trust you and they'll probably appreciate it even if it's hard for them to hear it they'll appreciate the fact that you trusted them with this information that you didn't lie to them and maybe they'll even say well I know that really had to be hard for you I believe the process the mental process in their mind is it had to be really hard for them to come and tell me this it wasn't easy for them to own up to it so they are a very reliable trustworthy person it takes some my trust where they do that to them I think to apologize 2:06 is probably similar you know when you go to them and say you're wrong you're sorry you did the wrong thing you know just like a1 it's really hard for sixes to own up to - I did something wrong because you know the zombie apocalypse is always ready to come after the six they always feel like the Wolfpack is chasing them and if they say out loud I did the wrong thing you know for a one that's going against their whole personality for a six then that's identifying yourself as I deserve to be fired I deserve your scorn and hatred I deserve for you to reject and turn against me so it's very hard for sixes I think to own up to I did the wrong thing because now the zombies are gonna get me and when you apologize to a6 and say I'm sorry I did the wrong thing I shouldn't have said that they realized wow that was really hard for you to say that and so you've just identified yourself as a reliable trustworthy person to them so don't lie to a6 okay it will sniff you out all right they are problem solvers and they will stay on your case until they you know figure out what the truth is all right number seven what's a never ever behavior for the seven and my sides with the six is they want to be connected to you and if you lied to them then they can't be connected to that and so now they've lost a connection and now they feel less safe okay so the six are the seven all right what is the never ever behavior for you when you interact with a seven never try to control a seven never try to control a seven okay well I am a seven so I think I understand this is sevens want freedom sevens suffer from the fear it's a fear type seven suffer from the fear that they're missing out on something and so they want to keep their options open they want to know that on a dime we can spin and and pivot and do something else if this isn't fun if this gets boring if this loses its excitement sevens want to be able to pivot shift and go in a different direction they want to keep their options open they want to keep their escape hatch open you might say so that a party's getting dull or something's getting monotonous they can hit the escape hatch and jet and and go in a different direction that is more stimulating more exciting more revved up okay and when you try to control the seven it's like you're hemming them in and you're saying you're stuck you're stuck here in this situation you're stuck here in this task you're stuck here in this job and you need to just you know and that's what it feels like when a seven goes to one and stress is the one I think you know the bob cratchit who sits in the office no coal in the fireplace doing their work you know the accountant there you go ones would make great accountants because it's details it's get it right it's correct everything sevens on the other hand that's what it feels like is when you're controlled in a controlled environment you know it's like you're stuck in Bob Cratchit land okay I'm making a reference to the Christmas carol if you guys don't know Scrooge Japanese for Scrooge it's by the way Scrooge was a five so if that's helpful to you alright remember their sin is envy or not envy but greed avarice right the for is it is envy okay so never try to control a seven now that doesn't mean here's the sad thing is sevens probably need the most control they probably need to marry you know somebody that's a one or a two or something like that that will put the brakes on them a little bit you know they they probably benefit from a good one in their life you know to help them say wait wait now we don't need to get the credit card out and spend a bunch of money we don't need you know more we can settle for less all right and learn to settle for less so that's where sevens can learn a lot from fives which was where sevens go in health is five so never try to control a seven although sevens probably needing somebody to help them find self-control there we go self-control sevens need to find self-control alright number eight what's the never ever behavior for the Challenger if you have a challenge in your life what's the never ever behavior never betray an eight trust never betray an aids trust well you know okay the eight I've got some eights in my life and I love them they have huge hearts it kind of it's kind of under that crunchy crusty shell but it's there okay and this huge heart think of it like this there's a little boy little girl inside there that that is still like a little child but it's all under this suit of armor right and so they've got this the suit of armor around them that says people are out to get you people are going to turn on you people are not trustworthy and not only that but kind of like sometimes I think like people are stupid people are stupid then you get out of my way then you get out of the way they need to move their junk they need to put their junk back in there you are get out of my yard people are gonna try to get stuff over on you now if you if you have that kind of mentality you know that people are faceless robots or people are out to get you then you're gonna be very careful about what people you let in and if you've let people in then they're in ok they're inside the fort everybody else on the outside of the fort either is nobody's or hostile okay so AIT's kind of have that fort mentality now if somebody's in the fort that means I trust them that means I care about them that means I love them and which by the way is kind of interesting because when eights love you they'll banter with you they'll argue with you not argue like you know like be mean and nasty but just argue information with you and argue about information and then they want to test you and see if you really believe what you believe they want to instill courage in you and their way of connecting with you is to kind of like banter you know kinda it seems like arguing if you can understand that about 1/8 then when they argue with you don't don't if you're a - you know you don't ever want to argue or you're not you don't ever want to argue right and you think this is bad this is bad you know they're arguing with me know for eight it's kind of like I trust you that you can handle disagreements and this is the way that I show how much I love you and trust you and how close I am to you is I'm real and I'll debate information with you and argue with you so recognize that and you don't need to be scared when an eights arguing with you or when they're coming across very heated and very strong opinion with you they're just they're just opening up their heart to you okay something awesome to know about an eight so an eight has taken you inside the fort and then now you get a knife out and you start stabbing citizens in the street oh well now now what you got to get kicked out of the fort right if you've proven yourself as an untrustworthy person you've lied to them you've went behind their back and shared information about them with with people that didn't need to know or you're working in opposition to them in some way are they sense that you're working in opposition to them in some way then you've identified yourself now as a hostile not in the worst kind of hostile because you've been let in on the inside and then when the eight pushes you out and kicks you out it's probably going to be a violent you know out Burt outburst when they push you outside the fort it just further solidifies in their mind you know the shenanigan that people can't be trusted with trust trusted it just further evidence for them that see I was right I've been right all along I trusted this person I let him into the fort I let him into my life I became vulnerable with them I shared my heart with them and they betrayed my trust and it just goes to prove you can't trust people and you know that crusty shell just gets another layer of crust on it so don't betray the trust of an eighth okay the last one number nine peacemaker I got so many nines in my life and I love them they're just so easy to get along with they they are just likeable people you know I appreciate all you nines out there it takes a lot of work to be so likable it takes it takes a lot of effort to be so conscientious and friendly and kind you have to sit on a lot of your own desires and you may not even know you're doing it that's what the Enneagram tea is even nines you know you may not even be aware of how much work and energy your your exhausting to be so easygoing and likeable so let me just tell you I appreciate it all right what is the never ever behavior in relating to a nine never ever talk over a nine Wow now that's easy to do isn't it if you have a relationship with a nine then you know often they will let you talk over them when they tell a story you know the storytelling type of each that's another video sometime we'll do the story the that the speaking type of each the speaking style of each type there you go for a seven it's storytelling for the the nine it's the saga which means I think when nines are telling you something that happened in their life they include details that are not necessarily pertinent in my mind to the story you know sevens tell a story when sevens tell you what happened in their life it's almost like they set it up like like it's a comedy show or like like there's a punchline to it right if you're seven you know what I'm talking about you live with a seven you know I'm talking about but with a nine they kind of meander through a story you know they meander through the day's events and they they highlight points that aren't necessarily important to the overall punchline of the of the story there may not even be a punchline to the story and I think it comes from the fact that remember the the nine the the nine has as their discerning statement or the distinctive statement in life is to value every viewpoint in other words every viewpoint ought to be listened to so that you get a better understanding and then know how to act right so I think what the nine is doing is they kind of think when I tell you what happened today you may not understand why I did what I did unless you understand all the details that cause me to make the decisions that I made and so they're gonna share with you points along that story that may not seem like important to you because they're small my new details that affect the nines decision to act the way they did but you don't necessarily see why those points would affect that decision but but to them it affected their decision-making process and so it's an important part of the story it's an important detail that if you understood it then maybe you would understood why they acted in the way they did so never under nine I think it's easy to do because nines remember they're they're kind of their working assumption is what I have to say is not all of them all that important my inputs not all that important and so it is but that's kind of their operating system and so when you talk over them if you're an assertive type like an eight three or a seven and you talk over that or sometimes ones can be very assertive in their compliance they can be very assertive if you talk over the the the nine you kind of further reinforce their idea that what they have to say isn't important what they have to say it doesn't really matter and so you want to be careful to slow down and pay attention that's the way you can show respect to the nine is slow down and let them get it out and pay attention to what they're saying and if it helps you you might summarize what they're saying or summarize the points they've made and they'll go yeah yeah that's what I mean yeah yeah that's to show that you've listened to them and to take the time to really listen to them because I think probably a lot of people don't but they have something to say I mean you know some of some of the greatest poet songwriters and entertainers have been nines and so they have something to say but sometimes we can get kind of rush and we rush them so that they don't get out everything that they want to say all right well I hope this video has been helpful to you I find it interesting never-ever behaviors and I hope it helps you in your relationships and also helps you understand why maybe you've gotten frustrated with people when they've displayed these never behaviors to you as always like comment and subscribe I appreciate you guys and I appreciate your comments and it's encouraging to me to know that you're benefiting from these videos and if you if it's helpful to you share it with somebody else maybe it'd be helpful for them as well and always guys be present to life don't miss what's right in front of you because you're looking for something else you're looking for something better or you're looking for something that's more right or you're looking for somebody that appreciates you or you're looking for something that's more awesome and will get you a diploma or a certificate or you're looking for something that it will differentiate you and set you apart be present to life and live the life that's right in front of you alright guys have a great day we'll see you later bye

Channel: Dr. Tom LaHue

Views: 38,910

Rating: 4.919003 out of 5

Keywords: enneagram, personalities, realtionships, family, marriage, husband, wife, parenting

Id: Q8gk3zaQLoM

Length: 29min 33sec (1773 seconds)

Published: Thu Sep 26 2019