Enneagram: The High/Low Side of Type 9

hey guys welcome back thank you for joining me for this video today we're gonna be talking about Enneagram type 9 and we're gonna be talking about the highs and lows or you know where the the trajectory that 9s go on when things are going well and they seem to be relatively healthy or emotionally healthy and engaged and also what it looks like when nines become stressed and you know so the nine of course is called the peacemaker and I think that's a good fitting title for nines they they do like tend to avoid conflict and I think at the heart of it there's there's a fear of disconnection within nines 9s got a message early on as children or at least the message they heard as children is that you know if they would merge with the dominant people in their life merge with their values merge with their opinions merge with their wants and needs then the nine could then stay connected to those important people so 9s tend to be easygoing carefree mellow people those are the positive words the negative words might be passive even passive aggressive you lazy you know 9s can get stuck in the mud and and not move forward gravity can become a big enemy of the nines and that working hard to make yourself disappear so that others are not upset with you you know is it can take a toll on a person and oftens nines are not even aware you know of of the inherent dangers of their personality they're easy to get along with they tend to be very likeable and likeable people and you know easygoing people but you know has been said before you know it takes a lot of work to be that easygoing and it takes a lot of work to to resist that much anger in your life and remember 9s are in the anger group with eight and once and eights and ones you know you can see the anger you can see the anger and 8c often really easy once you know their sin is anger they keep a lid on it but at times you know you'll see that frustration come out in one's nines are kind of like I think like the dormant volcano you know that stuff is down there but but they're they sort of switch it off they that's that's kind of what they go to sleep to you know so people people begin to build their village around the nine and when the nine eventually explodes you know everybody's kind of shocked and surprised that you had that in you because you know nobody saw that coming because your typical way of dealing with things in life is to go along with and you know eights they kind of look at people like people are stupid and they need to be put in their place and you need to work around them ones tend to look at people as though they're ignorant and stupid and they need to be organized and managed and they need a lot of laws and rules and to be monitored and nines you know look at people as though they're kind of stupid and ignorant and you just better try to just get along with them and the best way to get along with them is not to voice your opinion not to voice your concerns not to not to be a problem and so 9 spend their whole life trying to not be a problem to people and sometimes that can lead 9's into going along with things that that they shouldn't go along with I think there's probably you know a lot of nines in prison right now that got caught doing stuff that they really didn't even want to do they were just you know the driver they were just going along with with they got in with the wrong group and so they found themselves getting you know sort of took them farther than they wanted to go and I think that's easy for 9s to end up going along with the group going along with the crowd and so I think one of the keys for nines is to surround yourself with people who are going somewhere positive because nines tend to merge and and you know tend to fuse with the people they're with and so you know if you could be a little more selective the of the friends that you make I think it would make a big difference in the life of the nine so let's talk about you know what it looks like when nines are unhealthy and when they're healthy and throughout this this series of highs and lows series you know I've used the analogy or the metaphor of living in your cabin and so for the nines you know the cabin for the nines is the nine cabin it's everything that 9s is you know they kind of shut down that that I I'm my own person with my own opinions and if I just you know fuse with the other people around me then you know and seek comfort then I can stay connected with people and so that's the nine cabin on both sides of that cabin our neighbors and on one side you have a very powerful neighbor of the eight okay and the eight does not fuse with people the eight has their own opinion and and the nine can really benefit by this neighbor you know by by borrowing some of the energy at times of that eight and say you know what this is not my problem and look people in the eyes and and give it back to them so the nine wing eight you know is called the referee or called the advisor and you know when you think about a referee a referee is not in the game a referee is observing the game and when there's a problem you know when somebody's not being treated fair they'll blow the whistle come in and try to peace make and then once that peacemaking has happened you'll see the nine then back out the referee then backs out of the game to a passive position so the nine eight is kind of like that you know they're they're more willing to be direct and confrontive and blow the whistle when something is not being treated fair when somebody's not being you know understood you'll see the nine engage step in try to resolve things and they'll work for peace because they really do understand you know other people's opinions the nine could really benefit from the energy of that eight next door on the other side you know down the other Lane is the is the one and the one is also another very powerful person a very powerful type ones you know have that critic within them that says you better parent yourself so you don't get parented by somebody else and so the one is very much aware of what needs what they need to do what ought to be done what should be done how they should live their life you know what what what tasks are priority tasks and how important it is to get those tasks done and so when you know the nine liens on that one they become more productive you know they start to tap into what should be done and what ought to be done and it helps them resist that tendency to be lazy or that tendency to be slothful remember the sin you know of the nine is sloth and it's not just sloth like laziness like you think of laziness I think it's more like sloth of going to sleep to yourself and going to sleep to your own values and going to sleep to what you ought to and need to do in life and just kind of accepting see life happens to nines rather than them being engaged in life it's kind of like life is happening to them and that sloth is that is that acceptance of that that life is just happening to me but when nines you know lean on that one they're engaging their themselves into what needs to be done what do I need to do to engage today in the tasks of life the nine wing one is called the dreamer and you know they start the nine one can start to dream about at least what needs to be done and what could be done and what ought to be done and it'll maybe help them begin to engage more in life you know and what what needs to be done today okay so those are your two neighbors and both of those are very strong dominant forces to be reckoned with I mean eights and ones you know the workplace is filled with eights and ones leadership you know management a lot of managers are eights and ones and the nine you have that ability to borrow from those very dominant types I know that one is a compliant type but they don't always look compliant they're complying with a list of rules and guidelines in their head and so they they look like a very assertive type often so the nine you've got both of those powerful neighbors you know on both sides of you that you want to borrow evenly from if you find yourself borrowing from one more than the other than work to try to balance yourself out and develop that other wing at the very bottom of the hill is your outhouse at the top of your Hill is your apple orchard okay and you want to go up from the cabin every once in a while and go to the top of the hill to the apple orchard which for you is a three and everything that it means to be the achiever we'll talk about that in a minute let's go to the bottom of the hill first and talk about what life looks like when you are under stress under pressure feeling disconnected passively upset hurt no ones valuing you and people aren't coming to you and asking we our thoughts and opinions and you know when you're when you're a nine and you're in the outhouse you're at the worst of type six and you know six is called the loyal skeptic they're hot and cold or sweet and sour sixes are very much about the team and very much about fitting in and belonging and feeling safe there a fear type okay and they are the typical fear type so when nines you know have maybe delayed and put off assignments and are getting you know passive in their relationships and are getting disconnected from people when nines are upset you know or have let things go too long they might start to hear the alarm bells go off that uh-oh I've put this off too long and now you know the the assignments are due and people are upset with me or they're gonna get upset with me and that fear of the six begins to motivate and can sometimes overwhelm the nine and nines can find themselves you know dealing with a lot of anxiety like a six when when they're not healthy when stressed on at their low side ninth can get angry and upset but their anger you know isn't probably going to look like the anger of an eighth or one which is much more direct and straightforward you know nine sphere disconnection so their anger is probably going to be expressed more passively more covertly like a pleasing type might it's going to be expressed more covertly and more passively more stubbornly like maybe agreeing to certain tasks or you know or opinions that later they have no intention of actually carrying out they may slow and jam the process down by their inaction and passively act out their frustration and they're upset disappointment and an anger they could you know silently fume you know expressing anger without directly expressing anger they don't want to directly express anger often because you know that leads to conflict and conflict is in part what nines are trying to avoid so nines tend to avoid their own anger because they fear not only that there may be a disconnection but I think some nines may also fear just that whole experience of anger you know they don't want their volcano to to explode they don't want to experience that and so they may resist that anger because they don't want to experience it they don't want other to experience their anger so they fear blowing up you know they fear that whole process and so they might tend to put a lid on their anger just because they don't want to experience exploding so they may often avoid communicating their anger while passively resisting you in different ways they may appear at times withdrawn or sullen you know or a little pouty they may put off making decisions because they're upset with you and again they may not even really realize or say out loud you know it may not be self-aware enough to realize that they're upset with you they just you just see them resisting getting things done resisting making decisions and then holding up others and nines are often unaware at how much of a problem they're being when nines are being a problem I think often times they're not aware there being a problem it's kind of like what me who me you know they you think of it like this if you're a family and you've got to go somewhere and you know you you go around you tell all your kids get your teeth brushed get your shoes on get your belts on you know we're gonna go - we're gonna go to church or we're gonna go to the school play or whatever it is we've got to go to the softball game and you're going around getting everybody in the car okay usually one person one parent is usually like the the driver in this situation and so they're very aggressive you know as they see their time's running out they may get louder come on guys let's go we've been waiting all day come on let's move everybody goes out and gets in the car in their own you know maybe you got one kid that's an eight and I'm calming you know they shoot back at you direct and upset you know I told you I had to get my or maybe the four you know the seven says I got to go get my iPad I don't want to be bored at the game you know and so they they're the because they've got to get their iPad or they want to finish their show everybody gets out to the car and we're all sitting there with the engine running you'll turn around and look and where's the nine not in the car where are they they're there they're holding everybody up so you go back in the house and they're in there brushing their hair or finishing up their makeup or still in the bathroom and you're like come on let's go what what are we waiting on oh I'm sorry I didn't even I you know in that way nines kind of can become a problem but it's not because they're often it's not because they're being mouthy with you it's not that they're being belligerent with you it's not that they're being argumentative with you it's just that they're sometimes holding things up and nines can especially when they're on their low side you know they may passively aggressively covertly hold things up and sort of jam up the works you know if they don't feel like they're being valued or they're being cared about or they're being taken advantage of they might become a little you know passive-aggressive and their sloth can actually you know be one of the demonstrations of their of their frustration just sort of failing to take action so when when nines are in their outhouse fear you know can motivate them to to get things done but it's not their goals that are motivating them that's in their health they're they're worried and some could become passive like that but but some you know I think in some occasions that that worry of the six can replace that passivity and actually motivate them into action can move them into action but again it's not like you know they're setting goals for themselves that they're trying to accomplish it's more like oh oh I've let this go too long and now I'm going to be in trouble if I don't get this assignment done they can become more self-doubting of themselves and become frozen and paralyzed they can become more active to others and like sixes they could they could become more suspicious and seek you know a sense of safety and security and external structures you know in organizations or in belonging to the right group and they can become more pessimistic and you know suspicious like lake sixes in their unhealth and realize if you're nine you know and you're and yet and this description fits you and you kind of find yourself today in the outhouse just realize that you know people aren't gonna want to visit you when you're in your outhouse you need to go there because that's where you find relief you know there's times when all of us will visit our outhouses because life gets stressful life gets hard life gets scary life gets painful and so you have a place to go you know six is there for a reason but you don't want to make that your dwelling place you don't want to make that your home and you know it stinks in the outhouse and nobody wants to visit you when you're there and you will get disconnected from people because you know when you're like this when you're that passive-aggressive upset hurt afraid scared disconnected delaying procrastinating you know comfort seeker when you're in that mode you know life will pass you by because other people go on with life even though you're sitting in the outhouse reading the catalog you know other people and you know you know nursing your wounds trying to find relief other people's lives are gonna go on and they're gonna go on right past you and they're gonna go on without you and that includes even the closest people in your life so you're missing you're missing life so you wake up and you realize hey look around this is not my cabin this is an outhouse I don't want to live here I'm gonna take some steps to get back to health now as soon as you make that decision and you observe where you're at in your unhealth your distancing yourself from your personality and your personality is no longer in control in other words your Ninus is no longer in control you start to supersede your 9s and you start to make a decision about what you want in life and when you soon as you do that you're moving to three you see that because threes are the achievers three set goals threes look at what they want in life and they go after it and as soon as you look around and you say I don't like the state of things around me I'm going to take some steps to open this door and come out and move to a more healthy place you're on your road to health and it's a decision that you have to make nobody can make it for you you can't passively wait for somebody else to come in and take you by the hand and move you in the right direction you have to wake up to this yourself so you move back to 9:00 and you're back to your your typical state you know where where you're productive you are secure and you are relatively you know stable in life and you're you're working within your comfort zone let's talk about going up to the top of the hill what that looks like you know what what pure health looks like to a nine when they move to three threes are the achievers threes are the people that set goals threes are the people that accomplish things threes are the people that that move the agenda forward nine do you have that in you to do that and what's cool is you can pick up the best of the three without any of the downsides of threes you know you can you can move toward goals and move toward accomplishing tasks without doing it in a deceitful way without needing others to praise you without needing without tripping over yourself and getting in your own way without displaying yourself and broadcasting yourself in order to get the admiration of others you can accomplish great things just like a3 does but you can sleep at night not worried about you know what am I going to accomplish tomorrow you can set your trophy down on the case and go back to bed and relax we're a three you know maybe can't a 30 is gonna stay driven and stay motivated in state you know because they're running away from shame you're not running away from shame so you can tap into the best-of-three ness and go up to the apple orchard again you can never really live there but you can go up and pick from the fruit of the best-of-three nests okay so you become a team player when you're moving to health you are more easygoing and adaptable you know one of the things about threes is they're like chameleons right they fit in with whatever group and they become the best of whatever group they're in and nines can pick that up and they become you know in a positive way a team player agreeable and adaptable and will work hard to move things forward without complaining and without taking themselves too seriously without the focus of the spotlight being on yourself without needing to be recognized for all of your contributions and again that's very hard for threes 30s want to be recognized they want to be affirmed that they have value and worth can be very congenial and funny Nine's when they're healthy can be very congenial and funny and sometimes even look like sevens in that regard I think about like Kevin James you know the Doug from the from King of Queens is a nine wing eight and I think Ray Romano is a nine and you know these guys are very funny Bob Newhart I think is a nine very funny guy we'll what's his name Will Ferrell is a nine very funny guy and so when nines you know are healthy and relaxed and secure you know they can they can they don't take life so seriously and they're willing to accept whatever and you know can be very easygoing and humorous and and pleasant to be around pleasant to be around let's see they'll give others the benefit of the doubt and take the high road stay focused on what's in most and what's most important for others and for the business and for moving the agenda forward they communicate what they don't like before it festers and becomes a problem you know when you passively deal with your anger and frustrations realize if you this is a good saying I'm gonna try to put this in more of my videos that if you don't if you don't let it out whether it's grief a seven needs to let them selves a nine you know needs to let themself get angry when you don't deal with things like grief and anger when you don't let it out then it will tend to leak out okay hear that again if you don't let it out in a constructive direct you know thoughtful way then it tends to leak out you know when you're angry it comes out in some way or another and if you don't deal with it directly you're going to deal with it indirectly and other and it's going to cause problems it's not like it goes away it's like it's like you know a virus it doesn't go away it has to be dealt with and has to be eliminated has to be faced you know fear has to be faced anger has to be faced frustrations have to be faced and dealt with and when you don't and you try to just shove them down you'll find that if you don't let it out that it'll leak out and maybe less productive healthy ways okay that's worth the video right there that's good information let's see feels more okay when when 9s go to three they feel more special and important they feel like they're making a contribution and they're they're becoming valuable which is a hard thing for 9s to feel valuable I don't think a lot of nines really you know feel valuable and when they're getting in touch with their three Ness and they're setting goals and they're accomplishing things and they're moving the team forward and they're you know they're gonna start to feel like hey this is good I feel like I have some value and I'm important person and you are of course you are they get in touch with their passion and desires their own passion and desires so rather than being moved forward by fear and deadlines and alarm bells ding ding ding ding we got to get it done rather than being moved forward out of that six you know negative place there they're setting goals for themselves and they're there moving forward because they're in touch with their own passion and desires in other words this is what I want in life this is what I'm trying to accomplish in life and they start putting you know flags down and start moving toward those flags this is 9's and health okay this is this is what nines I think Walt Disney was a nine winged one you know the dreamer and he definitely you know was putting flags down and moving toward goals and accomplishing things that's 9s in a healthy state they just display their Worth and value and accomplishments okay but again not in that you know needing to be admired way that maybe if three does they begin to take action they become goal-oriented they become more decisive that's a that's a key word for nines to work on is to be decisive because you know nines tend to want to fuse with others and go along with their agendas and again that's part of that sloth it's easier to just adopt your agenda than it is to think about my own it's easier to adopt your desires and values in life than it is to sort through my own and also I don't want the conflict but at the end of the day you know what do you want life what what are you called to do what are you what do you called to be in life and you know just playing it safe is not safe you know going along with what others want for you is that what you really want for you I know I've had five you know get upset with me on my videos because they say if I want to be a spectator to life then why isn't that a good enough reason you know for me to live my life as a spectator and you know I and for a nine you know you might say well if I want to fuse my agenda with others and just be and do what they want me to and that's what I want then why is that a problem I guess if that's as long as you mentally decide that you know but I I at least want you to be aware enough that that's what you're doing you know I don't want you to do that and not realize that's what you've done if that's what you want in life then I guess that's what I want for you but just say it out loud say it out loud and hone that that say out loud I don't want to set my own agenda for life I don't want to guide and direct my life I want my life to be led by somebody else and I want to fuse with and merge with their values and opinions and I want what they want and I want what they want for me say that out loud and just own it and I think when you do that you'll kind of feel how sick that is and it probably won't feel like something you want to say out loud and if that's the case then you're gonna have to get in touch with who you are what makes you you and in that way you know you need to kind of like go find a four you know find somebody that's a four and sit down with them and say what does this mean to be authentic to myself because force man they can help you with this what does it mean to wake up out of the matrix Nine's you are the proverbial matrix sleeper okay and a four they live their life feeling like they're awake and all the rest of us are asleep and I think a four could really help you get in touch with your authentic self and being true to yourself and you know deciding who you are and what you want to do in life I feel like I've been kind of hard on you nines you can take it because you you're the palm trees the Hurricanes blow and you guys just Bend with it and it's only because I love you is only because I care about you guys and you're so easy to get along with you know but at what expense and what expense to your own person hood are you that ease ease along with so I think that's I think that about covers it and I hope that this video has helped you and encouraged you if you're a 9 or you live with a 9 you know I hope it's blessed you and as always in my description you can get in touch with me if you want to you know want to reach out and of course you can leave a comment always and subscribe and all that stuff you're probably already subscribed if you're watching this video but you could reach out to me I have been recently doing a lot of appointments with people and with with several nines you know who kind of feel like they're getting stuck in that outhouse and they just eat some you know specific encouragement how to maybe you know get back into the game and really that's what that's what it's about all right I'll see you guys next time take care and blessings and be present to life and so four nines you know be present to life what does that mean get in the game alright I'll see you guys next time

Channel: Dr. Tom LaHue

Views: 59,652

Rating: 4.9437752 out of 5

Keywords: Enneagram, Family, love, relationships, home, personalities, Type 9, Type nine, Enneagram type 9, parenting

Id: qpeOYVZWZ4I

Length: 32min 19sec (1939 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 20 2020