Enneagram: Let's Talk About Anger

what's up guys we're glad you're joining us for this video my name is Tom Lee Hugh and this is a lot of my family this is a couple of my daughter's Kayleigh who is a nine wing one sexual nine greatest grace is the also very sexy social 8 wing 7 and Zack is the ever so sexy 9 wing a self preservation okay and of course I'm a 7 wing 6 social so thank you guys for joining me for our video and of course like comment subscribe and down below in the description if you want to get in touch with me my website is there we do all kinds of things to help you and help your family be healthier and all that we can do so we wanted to talk about anger anger all right so let's just talk about anger anger comes natural to the 8 right that's like my most accessible emotion officially okay what do you mean by that um literally if you give me a topic give me about two seconds and I can find something about it to be angry about and any other emotion that I could be feeling I would I'm Way more comfortable with anger so I try to like switch to danger real quick okay so Zack how does that feel um it's a lot of fun because like she said she'll switch to anger but she'll express other emotions with her anger sometimes okay like she'll be like happy but we'll find a happy way to express anger it's the weirdest thing when she doesn't it's like it's a joke I wish you were dead okay so we talked about on our videos before we talked about like nines and conflict and nines and anger but really nine we won and a nine wing ate processed things a little differently you want to talk about those differences Kaley what comes your - um it's been the last few months that I've known that I'm a nine that have been working on anger because anger is a very unpleasant emotion because it negatively affects most other people so it's not the nice well I'm like if I'm mad about something that means I care about something enough that somebody else hurt my feelings how could someone hurt my feelings if I can understand where they're coming from but at some point I just have to say but I am a person and I do care about things and I'm kind of mad about it and I've been working on anger so a lot better when you say working on anger is it like working to feel my anger like I need to let myself feel that anger feel it and even like express it not being mean not be hateful but instead of being like I feel sad I feel disappointed I'm such a loser horrible instead of that being like wait maybe I've not actually said I'm actually upset because somebody wronged me oh wait a minute yeah there it is that's anger like actually the opposite of money like I immediately feel angry like oh my gosh how could they do this is ridiculous and then if I stuck there long enough I realize I'm not really angry like maybe I'm actually sad maybe my feelings are actually hurt but it's easier for me to feel anger so I just she sucks yeah now Zack would you say you're somewhere in the middle of that or yeah I would say I'm a lot more able to in touch with my anger maybe always saying it is I'm not afraid to say it I'll fall asleep to it and I won't address it for a while but then when I'm finally realized I'm angry it's gonna come out and I'm not going to shy away from saying hey you know you really made me angry and you're gonna know why and all the reasons why I'm angry now but then are you maybe is it which one of you think lets it go easier does the eighth Wing seven let it go or does the nine Wing eight let it go which one I'll let you say at first um I would say she does she'll show burst it out and then ten days later we sometimes forget she even said anything and all sometimes ago a couple of days and still being mad about it like seriously we talked about it this is over and squashed why are you still mad don't you remember I said it was over it's over it's because I'm still mad about it that's fine so it kind of simmers a little yammering you it does do you summer I don't think so I am like I just wake up one day and wake up in the morning I'm like you know the thing that happened yesterday I think I'm mad about that and then I always like consciously make the choice okay if you're mad about something I feel like with anger it's an emotion that you have to do something with it's it pushes you to do something you can't just have it like sadness you just work through it or like okay I'm sad not sad anymore but anger I'm like I gotta do something so I decide am i angry enough to confront the problem change what's going on make sure this doesn't happen again or do I not even care enough and I'm just like out whatever about it pass and usually I just let it pass and like yeah I that was a stupid reason to be angry somebody that's fine I obviously can get over that but it's like oh you know this person's been mean to me a million times over I think I'm mad about that and I'm like I need to go for a run and might go for a run I'm like I feel better I'm like wait a minute I still feel angry yeah I'm still angry okay I need to do something about it and then just do something about it okay then I don't like the uncomfortable feeling of unresolved problems yeah that's where I'm different yeah uneasy feeling doesn't bother me like I can I know when I'm angry pretty much most of the time and I pick okay am I going to talk about or am I not gonna talk about it hey don't worry am I just gonna let it stay and no idea and when how she said good run for me I found out when I like exercise or do something physical like mode I mowed my lawn yesterday I lose a lot of that anger or the edge of the anger by the time of doing something yeah and then I was like okay not that's not a big deal anymore I can move on but sometimes I'm just I can't I gotta express it even if it's a stupid thing I got I got to put it out there ya know I've noticed to like the difference we've been together for like five years now six years almost six years yeah and so I noticed when I'm angry I feel like energized as I talk about it I'm like man we got to do something about this and we got to do that and another thing and another thing and yeah even by the time I'm done talking about what I'm angry about her whatever I still feel like high off of it you know like okay now I have all this energy I can go do all this stuff where is that it's like he's gonna burn off the energy and then it's gone and it's done and he's like back to calm so like when we've had arguments are moving odd things we've been upset about I'm usually the one that addresses at first like hey we need to talk about this this is not okay well a lot and we go on and then at the end of it I'm like all right we need to sit down make a list so this never happens again we need to make all these changes and he's like I'm gonna go for a run and then comes back and I'm ready to like okay we're gonna do everything now he's like no no no like we talked about it it's all fine so it's like he comes back at a low and I'm a out of high like we just have all this anger like that's too something now I think it's because anions are separated from doing and thinking and feeling so I'm either like I think you you and I both understand that's either you're in you're feeling and thinking and it's like was I mad I'm just gonna keep thinking this over and make it worse or do something and my cup it goes away or I know it's still there yeah and sometimes not doing like I was I got my feelings hurt before and I'm just like I'm so tired and I lay down I go to sleep and like my husband's woken me up he's like what what's going on is like well I thought for a nine with like anger is like you have to bridge over yeah you cannot just sit in that thinking and that feeling and just let it have you like have to bridge yourself and say I may not want to do anything right now yeah like I'm so angry I just kind of want to sit here and sit in my anger it's like no you actually have to get up and do something or else you're gonna stay angry yeah you're just gonna keep thinking about and then you're gonna keep feeling the anger yeah yeah okay what I mean by that the feeling and thinking separate from doing forests are often in the feeling and then thinking and then doing so now the nine kind of looks like a four because they're just sitting and thinking about their feelings thinking about their feelings yeah I'm feeling what nice do you think about your feelings before you go to doing absolutely not know a third doing thinking and feeling feeling is like way small way off to the side and that's the thing like I would never describe myself as an angry person like I do not see myself as neighborhoods like joy and Abby and that's me and everyone who knew that any room was like checked its neighbor you know a c7 I think you're the angry seven like okay well that makes sense but so I yeah I definitely don't think about feelings and like I said the beginning feelings are uncomfortable and I would anger is the most comfortable one and so that's the ones that I don't have a problem talking about that's why I'm not making it about sadness or three four you know I don't want to talk about that I'm channeling anger so I certainly do not sit and think about my feelings because if you're sad then you want to know who made me say yeah and like why yeah why did I let myself be sad over this see a good attorney thinker yeah how dare I he's so weak as to feel sad by this person's action yeah that's what I would do absolutely but I don't even trying to think no it's not a cognitive process it's just impulse right yeah impulse that's the problem you know yeah no I definitely don't think about my feelings I think anger is one of the most uncomfortable feelings because pretty much every other emotion you I think I can think oh I experienced this on my own like sadness if I'm sad I take care of that my I chose to be sad about this I guess like something I saw something sad something bad happened okay I can be sad about it or I can get over it but anger is usually from caused by an another person and I don't know I get so confused like why would somebody do something to hurt someone else like why would somebody do something that they know is gonna cause problems but then you go oh people aren't mind reader's they don't know that's gonna that would make me upset and so like I think anger is more difficult to admit like oh I have anger over stuff because that means somebody did something that affected you in a way you didn't like and you don't really want to be affected by it ya know and I think in the same way like eights don't want to be affected by emotion either and for me like feeling sad feels like something that happens to me like I don't I can't do anything with that what am I supposed to do I can't help that I feel sad you know but anger like that feels like I'm gonna have control over yeah what it moves you into action yeah it's a good story you know I mean is sadness supposed to move you into a dark room where you're supposed to feel you're feeling some for out there please tell me what do I do is so and we don't actually get it I have a friend who's afford and she's selling my only friend that I've actually cried with like face to face you want to talk about that no I never want to tell us about yeah no sure you I just can't help ashati how are you doing I'm like oh I'm great no how are you really doing I can pass me that you know no seriously I need someone to tell me okay what do you do with sadness yeah cuz I don't you were raised by a seven right yeah and it to the to Mo's optimistic you know yeah so anger in me I don't register it as anger I'll feel frustrated or I feel agitated but this is you in anger if you guys have seen frozen shoes you know Elsa runs off and does her thing and Olaf is like I'm sensing anger and honest like of course of course I'm angry no in me you know that is it's like he's come home with a list of all these things that have been wrong and obviously he's angry but oh no we're gonna reframe it we're gonna - Scott this it's not good yeah I wouldn't I wouldn't think I have to convince myself that though that's anger I'm feeling that's what that demons name is because I wouldn't name it that I would think like all the things didn't work out or I'm bummed out about that or you know somebody did something that I like or that was lame that's the key words of sevens that's lame but yeah but I yeah but yeah boarding is bad or all things boring but yeah I don't I don't you know fuel up on anger I or but frustration I go into one you know I understand that I understand you know what frustration feels like everyone has an inner uncle Chester say yeah frustrated uncle Chester yeah uncle Chester's a one-winged nine I think it's it's fun for me because it's like being a 985 you mean on the day but I was raised by one and my mom's a nine so I'm part of the anger group both my parents are part of the anger group so there was a lot of anger in my house growing up or suppressed anger or you know and then the explosions that Nine's have so it kind of made me comfortable doing it and then I married an eight which made me even more comfortable and then drew it out of me like graceful and shoulder head over that powers I had friends who she says take advantage of me and she would call me out on it and be angry before like on my behalf like no and I'm like no it's okay when we first started dating now I'm like oh nope you definitely were should have been mad about it should have said something yeah I have friends that treated me awful and you guys have some I felt worse right no I feel like shouts all my friends out there but cuz that's seven that's why you guys if you were just for likeable you know yes oh we're gonna make a video sometime about 9s called vanilla is still a flavor yes vines you know our kind of vanilla meaning they mix and blend and everything's good right okay it's all good but my my now husband he told me what hurt me how husband well like what are your he's a three he goes what are your friends doing for you I said what did they treat you horribly it was like no they're not horribly that's just the way they are like what do they do for you except for make you sad yeah I was like I think you're right and then he's just like I mean keeping prison if you want but they're mean to you and I was like cuz your husband your husband and to look at things like he tends to look at things like what's the strategic benefit of this better for you do the hip-stir provide I couldn't think of an answer a baby that could be your challenge to all the nines stop and look at the people in your life are they better for you than I am if you have physical distance from this person and you aren't spending time with them do you feel better at more peace if you think wow my life is so much more peaceful and better now that they're not around that might be a sign it's time for you to let them go I didn't realize that until I had someone taught me back but it's true turns out yeah well yeah hmm and part of that I think might be that you you do understand people's perspectives so you what they're doing kind of makes sense I'm to you yeah but like your sister would look at those people and say they're not a good friend to you yeah no I mean our whole life is like gonna be Friday night and I'd have three or four people over spend the night and here comes Kaylee's friend really her like why are you friends with I don't understand like see us laughing and smiling see her crying and stealing your stuff oh no one wanted to be my friend I would really appreciate it if someone was looking out for me to try to be my friend so I'll do the same and I have a mom who the two you need to be 300 mio friends be nice okay that's how she ended up marrying me she looked at me it was like be nice what anything else we need to say about anger frustration agitation resentment bitterness it's a good thing and it's helpful mm-hmm if you actually feel it here folks yeah if you actually feel it you suppressing it will not make it go away you know I used to say all the time as a joke if you feel something you don't like suppress it don't go away you buddy no but it doesn't so actually it gets down there and yeah yeah you know right and I think kind of the opposite advice for an eight is if you feel anger know that it's your impulse to express it and sometimes you just need to sit with it long enough to realize maybe it's not just anger you're dealing with and I can almost promise you other eights can let me know if they have a different experience but I can almost promise you that if you sit long enough with what you think is anger you're gonna realize it's not really anger and you're not gonna be as interested in sharing that with everyone like you would if it was oh okay so if you simply then realize it's depression or yeah loneliness that's quite a funny story to tell you know like anger that makes a funny story you know like oh man this lady at Walmart let me tell you what happened and I said this and she said that you know that's funny and that's why I look at how stupid they were yeah and like look I got my way I got my point across whatever but if it's like yeah I was really depressed and I didn't want to do this anymore but it's like that's not stuff you're gonna hear at the dinner table right so she's saying pause for aids yeah in that anger calm down a second let your mind start rolling and rain before you just move to action because you can get yourself in trouble right get yourself in over your head because you impulse into action right and understand that there hopefully this video is helpful that other people don't experience anger in the same way you do and where it doesn't feel like it's a big deal to me when I have an outburst it feels like a big deal to him and so if you're an 8 the people in your life probably don't experience your anger in the same way you experience your own anger yeah well that's why I was like 4 9 don't wait don't let it be suppressed but also learn a good way to like talk about it yeah because if you just fall asleep to it or suppress it and just let it sit your outbursts if you're not married to an 8 who don't get energy from a conflict an argument it's really hurtful like it will really mess them up because they think everything's fine because you're not really talking about it you're not really doing thing and then out of nowhere you're throwing things out on that you've been angry at for 3 months yeah and it's and it doesn't come off in a good way because you're just throwing it you're you're honestly being hurtful with some of the things are saying if you can say I'm angry and let's constructively talk about it it's gonna be so much better than throwing the anger ball model and also nines you might not think you are expressing your anger at all but other people can since if they know you and love you well enough then they can sense that you're angry and sometimes it's easier to just talk about it and at least just say yeah I'm angry I'll talk about it later I don't want to deal with it right now like let the people in your life know when they're asking you are you angry is something wrong and I think I know for me if I feel really upset alright I came to angry when I feel angry and I don't want to deal with it because I'm like I just want it to go away it will probably just go I just wanted to go away I'm like when I do say okay I'm angry about this I feel a million times better because I realized I'm like denying the fierce loss and when I realized oh they're just like oh I'm sorry like I'd do something like you weren't trying to hurt me you're fine like okay look at that everything's okay and you know I'm angry and everything's still fine I not even I'm half as angry as I was but kind of what I mean is feel your whatever feeling you're actually dealing with and do something about it if you're feeling angry feel angry but is how often does an eight actually angry well also I just want to point out every time you talk about anger it's like someone's doing something to you versus me over here thinking like I'm mad at the potholes that I have to drive over it has nothing to do with anything that's been wrong how we categorize yeah yeah right and I think of anger is like don't have the freedom to go and do something I want to do yeah it's like a restraint restraint could make you angry as a seven you know these girls I do a lot of coaching with people on the inia Graham and I'm trying to convince them to join me in that cuz they they could really help a lot of you guys you know that I have questions that maybe you want to talk to a girl maybe want to talk to somebody your own age you know it's younger but so they may start you may start to see that you can book appointments with them and one of the things that I say to a lot of nines when it comes to dealing with conflict and those kind of issues is often like in the middle of the conflict you may find yourself as a nine like not fighting on your own battlefield and one things that nines tend to tend to do really well is is be able to outlast people and just wait longer than people and so if you're not comfortable in the middle of conflict and you know somebody's getting in your business and getting up in your face and you any of you types but I've noticed with knives is if they can just be a broken record and say I'm sorry Sally I'm upset right now and I don't want to talk about it right now and well then Sally keeps coming at you with well what about I don't understand and you that can feel overwhelming to a lot of types on the integrand especially the nine is just to continue that broken record Sally I don't want to talk about this right now I don't feel like I want to deal with this right that way and see they're sorry it has to be this way and they move in a conflict off of their battlefield because maybe they energize on anger or maybe they energize on putting you know you under the microscope in arguing you know some people just like to get to the details and pick apart your story and they get energized by that but you don't you don't have to fight the battle on that battlefield you can always step away from that and just realize I'm fighting an uphill battle right now and I don't want to fight right now and then go back and just keep being a broken record with them I'm not gonna argue right now I don't feel like arguing right now it's not that you're not going to deal with it is just deal with it in your own time make sure you do deal with it but maybe you know after you go to lunch and come back to work or after you know a good night's sleep and you have some time to process and think about it and you get your thoughts together and it may be a little bit of courage you know then you're able to go back and then you know sort of fight the battle on your own battlefield so I think don't get roped into other people's anger because when we get angry you know it it's not necessarily the best time for us it might be a good time to move to action but it's not necessarily a good time for us to to make food and to make the big decisions in life you know people say things when they're angry that that they would never say in their normal you know everyday mood and sometimes those things can be very hurtful and that's often what people remember well thank you guys for sharing with us anger that's very helpful and I'm sure a lot of people are going to be encouraged by what they heard and obviously the description below if you want to get in touch with us we'd love to hear from you and anything we can do to help thank you guys once again have a great week

Channel: Dr. Tom LaHue

Views: 12,456

Rating: 4.9845262 out of 5

Keywords: Enneagram, Enneagram type 9, Enneagram type 8, Enneagram type 7, anger, angry, family, marriage, parenting, love, relationships, home, personalities

Id: L-yQEl-46P8

Length: 26min 12sec (1572 seconds)

Published: Mon May 04 2020