Enneagram: In Relationship With Type 9

[Music] hey what's up guys how you doing thank you for joining me today my name is dr tom lehu and i'll welcome you to my channel um where we talk about all kinds of things related to the enneagram hopefully to be more present to life and um to not miss life and today we're going to be looking at type 9 and we're going to be looking at type 9s in relationship or being in a relationship with type 9 and i want to call your attention to the description below before we get started there is a link there to my website tomlehue.com where you can book enneagram coaching appointments if you are unsure of your type or you've just found out your type or you think you know your type and you want to talk about how to be a healthier you how to have better relationships what the enneagram could you know suggest you might say in terms of helping your life being more present to life i'd love for you to reach out to me you can book appointments online and i'd love to hear from you also i do offer two certificate programs one in enneagram coaching these are short six week programs designed to take you behind the scenes and and walk you through what i do in my coaching appointments and help you to see how the enneagram can be very practical and so if you're interested in helping others if you are a counselor or a pastor or minister or teacher or you just involved in helping others and you want to be more present to other people in their relationships i would love for you to join us on one of those certificate programs new cohorts are starting all the time also a relationship certificate program enneagram coaching for relationships and that's what started this series on uh each type in relationships is i went back and did some investigating on each type uh four books really have been very helpful to me in this in this study and the information is coming from these four books uh the enneagram in relationships uh the enneagram and love both of these books i use in the certificate program on relationships and to a lesser degree this book also with the same title the enneagram for relationships and this book by helen palmer has been fantastic it's a little bit long for uh you know for a lot of people but it is really a good book written back in the 90s the enneagram in love and work also uh just call your attention to in my description below is a link to both of my daughter's channels uh grace and kaylee both offer coaching appointments as well grace is an eight and kaylee's a nine okay so um let's start talking today about enneagram type nine okay the uh uh the peacemaker the mediator um what is an enneagram type nine looking for in a relationship i've tried to you know narrow these down to one word some of them are one or two words some of them for each type has been kind of uh obvious but for the nine you know the first thing i put down was a nine just wants a friend think of the best definition of a friend somebody to do life with somebody to engage in life with uh but then i added a a word on to that a focalizer okay and let me tell you what i mean by that a nine wants a friend yes a nine is a good friend uh but to some degree a nine is looking for somebody maybe they can focalize their life upon somebody to be the direct object of their life it's hard for nine sometimes to see themselves as the star of their own show so it can be easier for nine to sort of saddle up to somebody and and see life through the eyes of that other person or see like see themselves in the eyes of that other person somebody to give their life focus and direction you know in a lot of ways nines kind of show up in relationships like a picture frame they can forget that they are also a picture just like everybody else that they have a story to tell that they have you know bright colors and and so they tend to like picture frame around other people like well that person's important and i'm going to frame myself around them it makes nine's fantastic friends easy to get along with um you know they don't take themselves overly serious they can be self-effacing and uh you know can be great companions warm comforting peace loving gentle presence in relationships but you might always kind of ask the question like to what degree are you not showing up fully in order to be so accommodating to others all right so i've put together some notes from this reading and i want to go through those notes and i realize that when i do that sometimes it's a little bit all over the place and i might repeat myself at times but remember at the end of the day i'm a 7 and i'm doing the best i can with what i've got so let's go through the notes of type 9 in relationship i got my coffee here i got water here so settle back for a long trail ride here we go nines um work to create a harmonious home nines love harmony they are harmonizers and again they are stable stabilizers in relationships they can be so somewhat like the mortar that holds all the bricks together the glue that holds all the uh you know pieces together uh they do see each piece of the puzzle and they can often see where those pieces fit again they have a hard time in seeing where their own life fits as children they may have learned to blend in and that if they wanted things to go well for them they needed to maybe ignore their own needs and minimize their voice in order to get along with people they uh they have made themselves for the most part easy to get along with nines are great companions nines can be great companions they uh you know you might say are often in uh compatibility mode what do i need to do to be compatible with this other person and nines become compatible with people if for maybe some reason they feel like they're not compatible or can't be compatible or no matter what they're doing it's not working you might see the nine withdraw from the relationship and we'll talk about that more in detail when we talk about levels of health okay so easy to get along with they endear themselves to others because of their peaceful nature and their general positivity nines are in the positive or optimistic group in the enneagram sevens being the most optimistic nines and twos uh optimistic wanting to believe things are going to work out okay wanting to believe that that things are going to be fine and you know nines might approach that like things are going to be fine if i just stay out of it if i just let it work itself out it'll probably work out for the best there's probably nothing i need to do here remember their sin is sloth right and i'm going to talk about sloth several times in this in this video as well and how that sins shows up in in the life of the nine so they endear themselves to others by their peaceful and and general positivity they're fair even keeled people who are able to understand or at least appreciate other people's perspectives and so they have the superpower of seeing all sides or seeing other people's perspectives but at times can have a hard time seeing and knowing their own perspective knowing their own agenda other people's agendas seem more powerful than mine and so it's probably best to just go along with those other agendas nines don't like to be pushed by other people they don't like to be prodded they don't like to be pressured by other people nines don't want problems they don't want to create problems and really i think they don't really want to deal with problems in a relationship with a nine i always say that you might think that nines they kind of have this very simplistic approach to relationships like we should go to work you know we should come home we should we should fix supper walk the dog watch a little television maybe have a little conversation you know before we go to bed and that's it why does it have to be any more difficult than that why can't it be that simple why are people always making relationships more difficult than they ought to be it ought to be companions we ought to just go and do these things we need to do and get along with each other why do we want to bring up old wounds or you know relate in these difficult ways why do we want to make things awkward we should want to make things comfortable the driving engine underneath the hood of a nine is peace harmony tranquility and comfort that's what they're seeking and that's what they bring in healthy state you know nines bring that they mediate conflict and they bring that comfort and that harmony into their relationships when those things are being jeopardized you might see a nine retreat and withdraw they're a withdrawn type they withdraw away from awkward uncomfortable situations where there's disharmony in order to retain their peace and harmony when they're healthy they bring that into into their relationships they don't like to be pushed and prodded now that's going to be a problem when we get to intimacy because to be intimate with people you have to show up fully right okay in other words people are going to want to know what do you think how do you feel about this what do you like what don't you like well if you don't like being pushed or prodded or have to look and and you know search internally you'd like to just be fine and be comfortable then that could be a problem okay so they tend to be accepting of others and avoid placing high expectations on their partners again relationship should be simple why do they have to become more complex and difficult than they need to be now look at the unhealthy average health and healthy just briefly unhealthy nines withdraw to avoid anything that could shake them up or rock the boat or rock their sense of stability again they bring stability and they don't like it when people are jeopardizing their stability sloth is in some ways you could define sloth as a desire to remain comfortable and undisturbed so nines might tend to bottle up their emotions and bottle up their opinions and even bottle up their agenda uh their desires and keep them to themselves they could become a little bit complacent in a relationship and ambivalent toward not aloof but ambivalent toward their partner it feels more comfortable to go along with others than to oppose them it feels more comfortable and easy to be easy going and to just get along with people i always say eights nines and ones are in the anger group and you can kind of define that as people out there are incompetent people out there are stupid eights people are stupid you gotta work around them either get on the agenda or get out of my way ones people are stupid they've got to be organized managed and you've got to give them rules or they're they're they're not going to you know get their work done nines people are stupid you got to just kind of get along with them you got to try to figure out you know how to just deal with it and and get along sloth also is a failure to take right action a failure to take right action and to engage with life and move toward the essential goals of life so sloth can keep you from moving toward what is most important in life or the essential goals of life and nines can kind of numb their feelings and their experiences down by focusing on unessential remember they're in the doing group eights nines and ones are in the anger or doing group but they're in the center of that group which means they're separated from the doing so they might do other things to avoid what really needs to be done rather than doing what needs to be done and focusing and directing their attention on what is most essential and on what is the priority and on what you know needs to be done right now nines might sort of numb themselves out on doing other things that aren't necessarily essential it's more comfortable um and i don't want to have to sort through my priorities i don't want to have to sort through what i think is essential it's easier just to stay busy just to stick to the routines and just stay busy and busy is not always productive and busy is not always focused on you know what is most important so they might numb themselves out by eating drinking playing video games watching tv netflix you know all of these things can keep their mind off of this sense of unease of having to figure out what needs to be done or having to overcome whatever obstacles are in the way and so i'll just distract myself maybe you know and and do these other things at average levels of health that was low levels right at average levels of health nines can be more engaged in the relationship even if they haven't necessarily found their voice yet believing that their thoughts and opinions don't really matter um you know if i were to give voice to my opinions and my thoughts and my feelings it's just gonna disturb everybody it's just to create conflict it's going to make things awkward uh it's going to cause problems and i'd rather get along with people i'd rather get along with people you know and and keep my opinions to myself i would rather get along with them and just keep the peace so they convince themselves that they they they agree with other people when maybe they don't really agree with other people um they say yes or they say it's fine let's say it that way they say it's fine it's fine it's fine so whatever it's fine it's no problem if you want to go to the movie that's fine if you would rather go out to this restaurant that's fine and they say yes and they say it's fine in a sense to avoid conflict but then later on they might kind of regret that going along with and become a little bit resentful like they don't really want to come on the weekend and help you move all those boxes but they said they would they said it was fine and now they're trying to figure out how to back out of that trying to you know maybe some maybe my wife could call and just tell them i'm not feeling well or maybe i could text or maybe just not show up but then there's that awkward so might just have to disconnect completely from that other person and obviously you know you might think wouldn't it be simpler just to say no in the moment and just say no i'm sorry i can't help you but nines might have a hard time vocalizing their agenda when they know it's going to be an opposition of what the other person desires and they can tell very easily you know what the other person wants because they have the ability to see other people's perspectives so well in average health let's keep going with this they might replace their essential needs with what you might say unessential substitutes on essential substitutes rather than focusing on their real objectives or their real needs and they might divert their energy toward what would be trivial moves in familiar routines rather than setting out on a directed course of action moles decisions over well i just probably need some more time to think about that you know the decision that we've come to is that we need to probably back up and get a little more information and this can be exhausting you know working with somebody like this they're easy to get along with and they're you know personable and they don't create problems per se but we need to make a decision we need to know when it's time to act we need to know when we know enough to make a decision but the nine might resist making the decision i probably just need to mull this over a little longer seeing all points of view can make it difficult when making a decision in fact you might say that it can even insulate you from having to make decisions so there's a self-protective element in seeing all points of view is as long as i see all points of view then i guess i don't really need to take action because why would i choose one course of action over the other when both sides make sense it protects the sloth you might you might see it from that perspective it can protect your sloth slothiness is i don't need to take action because you know if both sides make sense then do i really need to move in any direction okay it insulates you from having to to take to take action attracted to the familiar attracted to what's known attracted to the tried and true the predictable the stuff we've done before they can be kind of this the kings of status quo let's you know do things the way we've always done them we don't want to upset the apple cart we don't want to irritate people we want to keep everybody okay so let's just do things the way we've always done them postponing decisions following the program they can find it hard to initiate change even when change is essential even when change is necessary they may know that there needs to be change but finds it hard to initiate change people are going to be upset people are going to have their feelings hurt people aren't going to feel like they were heard or they were listened to and that's all you know stuff that can create opportunities for conflict and conflict is to be avoided energy gets diverted from the essential tasks to other things and momentum slows down and secondary pursuits become the focus of the attention all right so healthy nines healthy nines have found their inner voice they can hear their own no i don't want to do that and they can vocalize their own no i'm sorry i can't help you with that [Music] and you know a good strategy for nines when they have to be disagreeable is just to state their opinion and then be quiet you know rather than trying to engage in arguing nines aren't necessarily designed to argue with people just say yeah i'm sorry i'm not going to be able to help you out with that i'm really sorry thank you for understanding and then just go quiet and use your ability to observe and just be silent nines are really good at that they can be really good at being silent without being stubborn you know without digging your heels in just state your you state your uh intention and then just be quiet and let other people chitter chatter jibber jabber or jaw jack or whatever you want to call it and then when they get done just say yeah you know i hear what you're saying bob i i really do sympathize with you but i'm sorry i'm just not going to be able to uh to participate this year or to give this year thank you though i really appreciate you asking me and it's hard to argue with somebody that you know won't give you reasons that won't argue back with you and that's a good move for nines and kind of leaning on your eight there a little bit so they bring their calming presence healthy nines they give the very thing they're looking for peace comfort harmony tranquility they bring that calming presence from their inner peace into the outer world to benefit others they understand that sometimes conflict is going to be unavoidable and inevitable and sometimes the only way to peace is by dealing with conflict rather than withdrawing from conflict and avoiding it and damaging relationships and building walls uh between themselves and other people they engage proactively in conflict knowing that that the only way to real peace is i have to show up fully and i have to engage and i have to state my desires wants wishes and i may have to defend them in order to have real peace long-term peace i might have to sacrifice my term peace i can't just keep peace with people i need to make peace with people and peacekeeping and peacemaking is not the same thing okay talk about that in other videos so they are quiet and self-assured and able to look at things more objectively they're able to you know initiate and engage more uh readily in relationships healthy nines lean into their relationships without zoning out or feeling that they need um the feeling that they are being pushed they are better able to verbalize their thoughts and feelings you know when a foot falls asleep right that was something that helen palmer said in her book when a foot falls asleep it's not painful until you try to wake it up it's when you stand up again that you feel that sharp twinge that tingle right that those needles it feels painful when it's waking up nines can sometimes go to sleep to their own agendas go to sleep to their own wants and desires to their own individuality and it doesn't bother them until maybe something happens and let's say the dominant person in their life breaks things off with them or moves away or goes to another you know part of the office or something and there's a break in that that focalizer is gone that person that gives you focus that person you've picture frame around is gone and then as you start to wake up to your own agenda like why do i do this job nines could very easily wake up in life and be like why am i a teacher why how did i become a nurse how did this even happen do i even like this why do i live in this city that can be a painful moment that's often when nines book appointments with me is when they kind of wake up to the fact like i've been asleep for a long time like i i don't even know really who i am or what i want and how i ended up in this place in life and you know nines can be married to somebody that if they really thought about it you know if they woke up for a second they might realize i don't even like this person they're often in relationships with people that they don't really like but they tell themselves it's fine it's okay it's no problem you know other people just don't understand them and people will say to you if you're a nine how are you friends with with mary she's awful how are you she's a troll how are you friends with her and the nine thinks oh i don't understand i don't know she's not that bad i mean her and i get along fine it's not until you get some space between you and mary that you realize you know mary's really not a very good friend to me she really hasn't been very supportive of me nines have a hard time seeing all that stuff right in the moment they kind of have to get some space they you might say they have to withdraw withdrawn type they have to withdraw i say get out to nature you know and let those things sort of bubble up and don't push them down the tendency of the nine is to say you know it's fine i don't want to feel anger anger disrupts my own personal harmony but you know anger also is what often initiates great changes in life you know people don't change until they get frustrated until they get angry enough when you can't tie your shoes you go you know what dang it i'm going to lose some weight but if you don't let yourself ever get angry then you know what you don't probably ever have to make any changes sloth anger's not a bad thing it's what you do with your anger that can be become problematic right okay so the nine world view is let's say it this way the world is full of conflict and strife and people are like arguing and pushing their agendas and they're just struggling with life and i need to do something to remedy that okay another way of saying the nine world view maybe a less positive way is the world isn't really going to value my efforts i don't they don't really want to hear what i have to say they don't really care what i have to say just stay comfortable and be at peace just don't just be unaffected just try to remain unaffected by life don't try to hold on to things don't try to grasp at things don't try to argue and get people to see my way of seeing things just you know calm calmate just commentate tranquilidad just commenting all right communication and conflict so if you're in a relationship with a nine obviously if two people show up in a relationship there's going to be some communication there's going to be some conflict nines may uh want to take their time when communicating they may need time when communicating just because they're nodding along with you does not necessarily mean that they're actually agreeing or in full agreement with you again they have the ability to see both sides or see all sides that doesn't mean that they're taking a side that can be very helpful if you're a six you know if you're a six and you want the other person to be on your team and it makes you very nervous when you're talking about your political views as a six or other types but i'm just picking on the six there sixes are the team members right and so if a six is very rooted into their political party and they're married to a nine or in a relationship with a nine and you're telling them you know that democrats that's the right way or republicans that's the right way or whatever it is and you've got this nine over here who's saying well well i mean they make some good points too that could be scary to a six you might think that that nine is not on your team but i think we need to remember that you know the nine wing eight for example is called the referee part of being a referee is you're not on a team you're neutral you're a neutral party you're an objective non-judgmental neutral party that gets people to work together nines have a hard time really seeing themselves as being completely 100 percent on a team there just because they're not necessarily completely agreeing with you doesn't mean that they that they're taking the other side it's hard for nines to take sides they just see all sides and if you can understand that then maybe they could be a it could be a positive thing they could be a little bit of a devil's advocate for you you know somebody to kind of interact with and help you see the other point of view and challenge you a little bit if you don't take it so seriously like they're on the other side because they don't 100 agree with me i don't know that you want to put a 9 in a position where they have to 100 agree with you because basically they'd probably do that externally while not doing it internally so it's better to have a safe environment where the nine can talk through you know the other sides of the coin without feeling like they have to a hundred percent agree with you remember nines tend to want to stay somewhat neutral it's what makes them good mediators if i can see both sides then why can't they see both why can't they see each other's point of view i need to help them see each other's point of view so that they can you know i think that's good for nines to say that out loud like when people are pushing on you as a nine like well you have to have some opinion you have to you have to know how you feel about immigration or how you feel about restrictions and coveted restrictions or whatever it is i think it might be good for you as a nine to to say well you know i guess my opinion is i don't think that way um i guess my my my argument is uh i don't see things like that i think that you know people have a right to different opinions and we ought to all work together and that's what i feel strongly about and that might leave people like scratching their head like wait a minute how did you just out maneuver this you're supposed to take my side or argue against me i don't see life like that that's a very good expression you know for a nine you might adopt that into your vocabulary is no i understand what you're saying bob i mean you feel very passionately that green is the best color and that everybody ought to agree with that i understand what you're saying i just don't see colors like that i just don't see the world that way you know i think that there's room enough for all colors of green blue red i think you know all colors you know are great and they all have their purpose and i think it's good that when they can all work together and that might be where you find your voice as a nine is not in arguing green versus blue but just saying i i believe there's a place for all of this and my mind just doesn't work that way either or one or the other this is right that's wrong i think it's very nice to say you know i i think that maybe we could broaden our view a little bit okay that might be you know your hill that you stand on when people are pushing you to stand on your hill and vocalize your perspective that might be the way you you say it something like that okay all right again by seeing all sides though there's a bit of sloth in that or at least the opportunity for sloth i don't really need to pick a side but maybe you do i mean that's what you need to consider if you're a nine is that you know sometimes one position is superior to the other and if you would get alone and think about it you might realize you know i like this better than that and seeing both sides insulates me from having to make a decision but sometimes in life life gets better when i make decisions when i move in a direction in a specific direction don't be afraid of taking action nines even though they're in the doing group are separated from that and so they might fail to take action they might fail to you know move forward having a position means sometimes you have to defend the position and that can be hard because nine's probably their greatest fear is the fear of fragmentation or you would say separation that you know we've merged together we've bound ourselves together and if i take a position that is antithetical to yours then we might fragment we might separate and what's ironic about that you know that's the greatest fear of nines if you read all the books that's the greatest fear of nines is the fear of fragmentation but what's ironic about that is probably out of the enneagram the nine might be the most stable even during fragmentation like let's say the relationship does split up three months later you sit down with the nine you know how are you doing um yeah i don't know i mean we weren't really that close to begin with you know and you might realize you're a lot stronger and more independent than you think you are um you might realize you're a lot stronger and more independent than you think you are why such a fear of fragmentation if i speak up they're going to be upset with me i always say it like this it's like the little bit of love there is for me in this world will be removed if i were to show up fully if i were to show up fully and say what i want if i were to articulate that if i were to work through all those priorities articulate that and say it out loud yeah it's not going to go well for me um i'm going to end up in trouble people are going to want to separate from me they're going to withdraw from me they're going to be irritated from me and always go back to harry potter under the stairs you know if harry potter makes the least little uh noise you know even his room under the stairs could be withdrawn from him um and harry potter of course is a nine i also think andy griffith is a nine if you watch the andy griffith show he's probably a nine wing eight he might be a nine wing one but i think he's a nine wing eight if you watch that show you know you'll see andy always working to mediate conflict that's what the show's about basically they put andy in the small town and there's people that are having problems with each other people arguing with each other people not getting along people upset about property rights or property lines or you know somebody bumped into me or whatever it is there's always these conflicts that andy mediates and he harmonizes those conflicts okay all right let's see um nines may need to be asked specifically what they want they may need to be engaged so here's really the challenge right if you live with a nine is to is to provoke them and engage them without scaring them without pushing on them because nines do not want to be pushed on if you want to see a nine get angry you know nines never get angry they do get angry but if you want to see a nine get angry start pushing on them start prodding provoking them challenging them and you'll see the nine try to move away as best they can but then eventually you might see them explode because they don't want to be pushed on so that's really the challenge right how do you how do you um how do you inspire provoke um you know how do you help a nine sort out what they want and think through their own personal agenda and you know everything from their own political beliefs their religious beliefs what they want in life what job they want to do in life how do you how do you speak to them and challenge them and bring that stuff up how do you draw that out of them um without pushing them to to becoming you know angry and withdrawing from you that's going to be a challenge in a relationship that's what i would see as being a challenge in a relationship one of the challenges in being with a nine is to is to engage them in this kind of manner without causing them to just want to withdraw from you because they don't necessarily want to have they don't want to necessarily remember their sin is sloth right their sin is sloth and you're pushing against that sloth by challenging them to engage with what their priorities are in life and i think you know maybe you need to do that in at a speed that's comfortable for them okay um let's see their tendency is to maybe shut down a little bit if they are interrupted or dismissed you know i think one of the values of nines is that everybody needs to be heard everybody should you know opinion should be heard there's a little bit of anger in that right is i know what it was like as a kid to not be heard so there's an over value that every opinion be heard that's great i mean that's great every opinion heard what's the problem with that well you know maybe we don't have time to hear everybody's opinion maybe we need to make a decision or maybe everybody's opinion is not valid you know so we're going to make you know some decisions about which direction our company is going maybe we don't need to get the janitor on board you know with this decision and nines could sort of slow things down to the point that we're not making decisions that we're not moving forward and not every opinion necessarily needs to be heard that's going to be painful for nines to even hear that and not every opinion is equal some opinions are not good are not going to be productive [Music] and there are people on the team that may just bark and growl and threaten um and their opinions maybe shouldn't be given the same value as others and that's hard for nines because nines want us all to harmonize together to exist together in this happy state and i get it i'm a seven i want everybody to be happy too but you gotta have a little bit of that eight wing there to uh know that okay we need to let that go and move forward all right the tendency is to shut down when they feel interrupted or dismissed they'll become more vocal the more comfortable they are in a relationship they tend to withdraw when pushed or challenged by others their motivation is centered around getting along and having peace nines do not like conflict in general because it feels like a threat lingering conflict might just be their worst nightmare lingering conflict they tend to move away from relationships that have become awkward or difficult and again i always say they build walls where a good strong fence would work you know like let's say maybe a nine is having a problem with their dad dad is wanting them to go off you know let's say the nine wants to become a police officer and the very strong-minded one father or eight father is telling them that they need to go into uh medical school because the nine does so good in school they went they went pre-med in college and you know they they had an aptitude for it but now they've graduated from college and they don't want to go to medical school they want to be a police officer but the dad you know that's got that strong voice of son why would you become a police officer when you can become a doctor i'm going to pay for your education and you know you've got that's very hard for a nine to push back against that and so what might happen is the nine could very easily just go to medical school i've seen it i've talked to these people right who go off to their side of the country and and go off and get master's degrees and or doctorates and things that they don't even care about because they don't want to have conflict in their home they don't they don't want to they don't want to hurt the expectations of others the others expectations are stronger than their own and so they'll give up their own personal agenda in order to keep things okay between them and their special person right what's the alternative to that well it could be that the nine just withdraws from that relationship you know withdraws under that pressure and just kind of backs away from that relationship putting a wall between them and dad putting a wall there like now we just don't engage now we just don't talk now we just don't come home for thanksgiving or if we do we're very guarded and and hopefully you can see that you know a good fence might be the solution to this what if the what if the nine just came home and said dad look i understand you want me to go to medical school i'm sorry i'm just not doing that i've i've sent my papers paperwork in to the police academy and i'm going to be going in on august the 3rd to uh you know to for my for my evaluation meeting and then let the dad get upset let him be upset let him tell you you're throwing your life away let him tell you that you know whatever it is and just hold your ground um and that's just establishing a boundary it's saying here's a fence it's my life there's your eight voice it's my life and i'm taking responsibility for it i'm owning my wants i'm owning my wishes and i'm sorry if that disappoints you i'm sorry if you're upset that's the least you know that that is not what i want to happen at all but i love you and i hope that uh you know you will learn to support me in this just a nice solid fence a boundary and then don't engage in it any longer just be silent and just but stay present to the relationship that's what i'm saying is the nines tendency might be to just withdraw from the relationship like it's awkward it's uncomfortable dad's upset with me so i'm just going to disengage and i just won't return home wall other people don't may not understand you know what happened they just know they're not hearing from you anymore you're just disengaged and withdrawn from the relationship by the way it is the tendency of unite you know to to in a relationship even when it's healthy to be withdrawn look let me give you an example um anytime i make a bid in a relationship for some kind of connection with you you can give me one of three responses a positive response a negative response or a withdrawn response let me give an example if i were to come home and i were to say hey mom um can i go over to billy's house for the weekend now let's say mom's a nine okay um she has the opportunity to make one of three responses positive negative or withdrawn positive um yeah i think that's fine sure just make sure you you know you get your homework done negative no i don't think this is a good weekend we've got other things we've got to do we got to clean out the garage i'm sorry i'm sorry but no you can't look i'm sorry but you can't go negative response okay what's the withdrawn response uh well you know let's wait and see um i i don't know maybe let's wait and see when dad gets home we'll see what dad thinks about it withdrawn response um hey mom i just um got accepted into um you know the honor league at school and they want me to uh show up for this event positive response that's great honey i'm so excited for you fantastic let me take your picture with your award i'm gonna put it on facebook i'm so proud great okay positive response negative response um do you really think that um you know that this is gonna be this is good do you really think that this is what we need to be doing right now whatever i it doesn't make sense to me i'm saying things that don't make sense to me but a negative response i don't know why your mom would give you a negative response when you won an award for honor society but okay withdrawn response oh that's great dear that's great and it just kind of minimizes the other person's moment nines tend to give an abundance of withdrawn responses laid back let's think about it later let's act on it later i don't know let's wait and see let's mull that over let's get someone else's opinion before we take action nines tend to give those withdrawn responses i just want you to maybe think about yourself do you do you do you have a tendency to do that nine sit down tune out and do nothing no argument no threats no physical withdrawal maybe maybe they're still staying present physically geographically but there's a deafening stubborn silence that informs you that things might not go your way um stubbornness going stubborn relationally can be with can be uh uh preferable to open disagreement but open disagreement might be what's needed you know maybe we need to talk through this challenge each other vote vocalize our opinions kind of fight for what we want and then come to a compromise or come to an agreement but if you don't ever state you know what the problem is if you won't say it out loud because you're afraid i'm going to be upset with you how can we real how can we really work through our issues if we don't really communicate in other words you're not being open and honest with me and that's really that's really what this is open and honest i need you to be open and honest with me so that we can have the best relationship and when a nine says okay it's worth it it's worth it to be open and honest and face the potential disharmony and disruption to the immediate relationship for the long-term benefits of having a close relationship making major changes in life without giving you prior notice wow nines may at times make major changes in life without giving you prior notice um they've retreated away and they've thought about what they want to do and they formulated their plans and they've evaluated their decisions and then they come out and say hey by the way i've decided to take this job on the other side of the country and boom whoa where did this come from why didn't you talk about this well the reason why you don't talk about it is because i don't want the counter arguments i don't want i want to think through everything without other people talking me out of my my agenda it's really hard for me to come up with my own agenda and now that i have come up with my agenda i don't want it picked apart and needled and taken apart before i'm able to actually formulate it so the nine just kind of comes out of the gate with hey by the way boom i've decided i'm doing this thing and everybody goes whoa okay all right their greatest fear is the fear of fragmentation anger equals separation their own anger or other people's anger against them they like to stay positive and avoid conflict hating conflict they inadvertently created hating conflict they inadvertently create it how do you create it well let's say you're in charge of something and you're very ambiguous because you don't really want to push your agenda so you say hey if we could all you know make sure that we get our work done that'd be great nines think they've asked you to do something but the other person doesn't feel like they've been asked to do something so nines tend to leave instructions and direction a little too ambiguous maybe there's a problem person on the team who's creating conflict and controversy the nine doesn't want to deal with them doesn't want to take them aside and say hey mary you're being a pain stop quit telling other people what they have to do so other people what they get upset with the nine because the nine's not taking ownership they're not taking the leadership role seriously they're letting problems persist they're withdrawing away from the problem and so the nine inadvertently creates conflict while their whole purpose is to try to avoid it they don't tell you all of the information nines can withhold the things that they think are going to upset you they don't tell you about you know the little stop on the way home to the donut shop and then you find out about it and you feel like they weren't being honest with you and nines can create conflict inadvertently while they're trying to avoid it sometimes you have to be direct sometimes you have to look people in the eyes and you have to tell them what you want and you got to make sure that they understand it you have to give people directions you have to tell people what you expect them to do and when you don't do that when you leave it all very blurry and very fuzzy and very ambiguous yeah it feels like we're all you know it feels warm but it can create long-term problems so they need to understand that when two people show up fully in a relationship conflict is going to be inevitable and in order to have real peace they have to be willing to face the challenges to the relationship even be able to face conflict intimacy in a relationship with a nine nine seek comfort and harmony and want to spend quality time with their partner they want to do fun things you know and be present and be invited and just be there they want to avoid the things that cause conflict they want to feel emotionally connected and appreciate gentleness and kindness in conversation nine sometimes feel invisible to the world they want to engage in heartfelt conversation and enjoy doing fun things with their partner to engage in heartfelt conversation one has to know your own heart you have to know your own heart and risk disagreements and conflict anxiety because there is a problem in relationship is not the same thing as pursuing someone you love anxiety because there are problems in a relationship is not the same thing as pursuing a person that you love people want to be pursued in a relationship let me give an example of what i mean hey honey here's some flowers and a note for you i bought these for you now you're not still mad at me right is the awkward conflict that we got into earlier today over is everything okay now because i'm really feeling anxious about our relationship so here's some flowers here's a card let's go on a date now everything's fine again right we don't want to talk about this anymore can we put all this behind us because i got you flowers and a card now that six anxiety that the nine's feeling could generate action that looks like you're being pursued but the other person might realize you didn't give me these flowers because you love me or because you're pursuing me or because you want to be intimate with me you gave me these flowers because you're anxious and worried about the disagreement that we had so anxiety and fear is not the same thing as love and focus a person wants to be loved your mate wants to be loved and focused on not just i want all the problems to go away i don't want there to be this conflict anymore in our relationship so what do i need to do nines are in the doing group and they tend to you tend to see that because they they might be looking at you like tell me what you want me to do just tell me what you want me to do you want me to get your flowers do you want me to take you on a date do you want to book a cruise what do i have to do to make the conflict and problems go away in our relationship that's not the same thing is i'm pursuing you because i love you and you're the focus of my life and you're a priority in my life and i want you to know how much how loved you are those are totally different motives people in your relationship might get the sense that they are a problem that needs to be solved rather than a person that needs to be loved okay so um supportive passive comfortable partners they may give withdrawn okay i already talked about that nines don't always initiate or ask for intimacy but that doesn't mean they don't want it it takes courage and energy for nines to be vulnerable and to make the first move nines want to be heard and valued and loved sometimes nines have a hard time sharing what they need and what would make them feel loved their tendency is to merge with dominant people in their life to merge with other people's agendas and aspirations they may confuse merging with someone as intimacy intimacy is you are you i am me and we decide to lock our lives together merging is you are you and i am you i also am you i'm wrapped up in your skin the focus of your life is the focus of my life the way you see reality is now the way i see reality your priorities are now my priorities we are not two distinct people that is not the same thing as intimacy that's merging infusing and it's within the nine to merge and fuse so someone else's life becomes the motivation for your life their interests feel more vital than your own their opinions seem more valid than your own enthusiasm for their life has now become the focus of your life a beloved figure now becomes the focalizer of your life and that's why i said you know what does an i want in a relationship they want a friend or you might say a focalizer someone to wrap their life around i need a picture that i can then frame around look you are not a moon to someone else's planet okay nines you are not a moon to someone else's planet you are not a picture frame you are a separate and distinct planet yourself you are a separate and distinct picture yourself why not complement each other um and hang next to each other and support each other love each other but realize you know they are a separate person than you are the other's life becomes absorbed into your own life so key steps to interacting with a nine in a relationship show up fully in relationships can be difficult especially when there's pressure on the nine demands from others if you're a nine can feel exhausting it's important to relate to a nine and make sure that they that you listen to what they're saying it's easy to speak over nines remember nines sometimes they give you more details than maybe you want to hear and it's easy to interrupt them to push them to get to the point it's easy to dominate over them and to speak over them the never ever behavior for nines is don't ever interrupt a nine don't ever speak over them it's easy to do that they need to feel heard okay so that means you have to slow down maybe in order to fully communicate with a nine all right a nine might be thinking rather than i need to say what needs to be said they're probably thinking what do i need to say to make this conflict go away okay you might make the conflict go away but are you making the relationship better not necessarily because conflict that isn't dealt with often comes around again and if we don't discuss principles that we need to agree to then problems will just repeat themselves so um when the nine is speaking with you you're listening for what they're saying but you're also listening to what they're not saying um if a nine gets the courage to say yeah i i'd really rather not do that that's probably equivalent to someone saying no i'm not doing that i'd really rather do something else that that doesn't sound direct and straightforward enough that you get the intensity but think how difficult it is for a nine to say no so when you hear a nine say no you want to try to really hear that and at least appreciate their no um and understand how difficult it is for them to vocalize any obstacle to other people's agendas if they are pushed they will tend to dig their heels in and become stubborn and they may not talk about it anymore they just kind of stubbornly go quiet and refuse try to help them move beyond their own comfort zone without pushing them to to to a such a degree that they become stubborn you know nines need to push beyond their comfort zone help them sort out their priorities and make plans that are congruent with those stated priorities the least effective method for nines is probably just letting them initiate their own uh personal priorities you're gonna have to maybe take them by the hand and say okay well all right so you have an opportunity in front of you to you know to to choose a career path well what options are you interested in what well let me get let's talk you said before that you thought maybe teaching or nursing or and you might have to walk them through take them by the hand a little bit without without pushing them into a field because again nines that they could be easy to push into to a direction you don't want to push them into a direction you also don't want them to let them flounder you know flap around without ever really getting any traction so think like advisors you they they might need an advisor which is ironic because nines tend to be great advisors when i think of like you know the advisor uh if you looking for a job as a nine consider being an advisor like a school advisor or you know that kind of thing nines are great at advising people and taking their hand and moving them into career paths and that kind of thing the very thing they struggle with themselves they often do very well for others but you might need to take them by the hand and kind of advise them a little bit um they tend to believe in themselves when others believe in them okay if if i can see you doing great things then maybe you can begin to see yourself doing great things all right so i hope it's helpful i hope it's encouraging um and as always you know be present to life and for nines that means you gotta engage you gotta wake up you gotta realize whoa maybe i've been asleep and it's gonna sting it's gonna tingle when you start to stomp that foot and wake up but it's worth it all right take care guys blessings see you next time

Channel: Dr. Tom LaHue

Views: 15,974

Rating: 4.9382505 out of 5

Keywords: enneagram, type 9, type nine, relationships, personalities, family, home, love, parenting, marriage

Id: EuKHHLT7sD8

Length: 59min 46sec (3586 seconds)

Published: Fri Jun 04 2021