Christopher Titus • AMERiGEDDON • Full Special

everybody Christopher Titus hey well the things are still going like they're going look at my hair from god sakes let's end this just so I can get some clippers anyway uh putting up a Mary gettin on YouTube oh yeah that's right and with all that's going on in the country right now I think American really really really really really really says what I want to say enjoy guys ninety minutes of comedy next week Norman Rockwell's bleeding the week after that carrying monsters live stream event I'm so frightened which can only destroy and never create is not the only much less the most efficient means of assuring peace I speak of peace therefore as the necessary rational end of rational man they will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen why have we not been able to get together as a nation Donald Trump says he admires Vladimir Putin there is no collusion between me and my campaign and the Russians the trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant it's just that they know so much that isn't so politics of division of resentment and paranoia is unfortunately found a home in the Republican Party to get that son of a [ __ ] off the field right now out he's fired [Applause] yes we should deport them we should build a wall we should triple the Border Patrol I think there's blame on both sides what difference at this point does it make which is why I alone can fix it [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] yes yes Arizona it's a hundred and fifteen degrees oh I am doing my new show guys I wanted to write a show that was gonna bring the country together something we can all laugh about so it's about politics guns and abortion there you go talking about politics in America right now it's like trying to organize an interracial hoedown in 1840 I say are you an abolitionist you Dred Scott we'll take off the net turn a t-shirt on the Shamy fisticuffs you coffin bagger yeah joke number two sounds like history homework doesn't it yeah here's what bothering about the last election I could not believe we were fighting each other over these idiots like half was one of those arrogant pants suit wearing robot I call her she Threepio and ladies why was she wearing those square jackets was she running his lego Hilary and then the other half part of this arrogant orange delusional Alzheimers ridden rodeo clown and that's why we were pissed at each other you people our families were breaking up you guys do get that we get annuity in four years right you're gonna need your family to wipe you in 20 like families are breaking up over Thanksgiving is that who you vote for go Phil is anymore shut the [ __ ] up grandma well if that's you you're both on a hill I don't need you hit by a gas truck that's right or the boat and I hope you don't die I hope you lying there and the truck drivers got to revive you but he's got a bola and age I hope you get a bully shut the [ __ ] up I am NOT gonna shut up Uncle Phil gave you a kidney last year you want your nachi kidney back someone gave me a box cutter and some bathtub bourbon right now I'm gonna cut this kidney I'm gonna go pee first Uncle Phil I couldn't believe how we're treating each other and then this morning I woke up happy because I realized the comet that's gonna destroy humanity is Hardy on its way oh yeah there's a giant rock coming people oh yeah it's happened five times in the past restored everything it's not God God's not flipping that rock oh you guys keep dancing on Sunday I'm gonna Jack this place up you get ass better start having sex or a hole in a sheet again or I'm gonna blow torch this place only the Mormons are going to survive this [ __ ] there is there is actually a giant rock in space right now in orbit one day it's gonna pound into the earth and when it hits it's gonna destroy a million species instantly and Kanye I know he earned it then it's gonna set the atmosphere on fire that's gonna burn till almost all of us are going to the survivors are gonna have to live in an impact winter for an eon till there's only three of us left two guys and a girl how do you think they're gonna restart humanity but no both guys are gay so they're gonna kill the girl for food and steal her skinny jeans and then slowly make their way to Boca Raton Florida where they're gonna live out their final game days wearing speedos and shimmying to Katy Perry dance mixes on a solar-powered iPod I mean that last game man dies that'll be at humanity everything we have done everything we have built gone just another grain of sand and an empty universe full of useless effort and that's how I'm dealing with the election oh come on you know it was a bad one when a planet killing meteor is my optimistic plan oh come on the lad I don't care what side you're on and by the way there's only one side American that's the only fact but the last four people running for president my guy I could have picked four better candidates but just throwing a tennis ball to a severe trauma brain injury ward just chuck it in whoever goes ball and giggles you're our candidate you got a good attitude you knew what a [ __ ] ball was come on let's admit it Ted Cruz Ted every man in this room knows a guy like Ted Cruz who just roams the earth with this sentence constantly playing in his head no one's gonna wipe a booger on me again no one's gonna wipe before ground me again [Music] then you had a Hillary's got this wake of bodies behind her allegedly allegedly allegedly I'm saying allegedly because they don't want to die in a suspicious one car accident [Applause] they're gonna find me in an empty parking lot leaning against my car door trunk carpet fibers all over my body suicide note written in the language I don't speak allegedly allegedly and then he had Trump who was pretty amazing he made it through the entire election without finishing a [ __ ] sentence it was insane Traum didn't have a beautiful best ever reciprocal nobody peed on me oh that was almost a sentence nice job dude yeah we have a president with no military experience and no political experience but he has jazz hands when you're a jet you're a jet all the way and I have to be honest I feel bad for you Trump people because you know damn well every time that man heads towards a microphone you have anxiety W man how many teleprompter guys have shot himself in the face working with that dude because he's on the speech for a minute he's aids on the speech he's on the speech he's on the speech and then oh my god he's gonna improv and then you had Bernie I like Bernie yeah that Bernie was cool at the end after all that crap that didn't Bernie come across like a real grumpy model train enthusiast skinniness can you just see him in the basement of the White House mr. president led merkins on the phone I told you don't bother me when I'm playing with my trains this job takes up all my time I'd like to keep one percent thank you and I had friends get crazy too I had friends after the election they got real fatalistic they just started yelling crazy they're like good you know what I'm glad the insane guy won good let's just burn it down and start over man good let's just loop the whole thing to begin again as fun as that sounds I don't think it's gonna go the way you think she died people say stupid crap like that those damn road warrior movies yeah we think we're gonna survive Armageddon in fact every man in this room right now believes he's gonna be Mad Max in the apocalypse I've got seven guns in the case of Clif bars follow me come on let go hold on I got a tweet my followers let me tweet my followers yeah cuz in 2018 oh we all have followers just like Jesus did they help you move did they live for you in court then they ain't followers are they you guys you guys do reals what these phones have done to us now selfie selfie selfie is any surprise we elected the most narcissistic human being on the planet selfie selfie selfie get some damn friends take some dummies and us these come on goddamn it take more wheezies you get who we are now right we now take pictures of ourselves to send to people we don't know to see what they think about us did you get that picture of me that I took of me it's on my instagram under Christopher Titus stop me please comment on me like me follow me you know who does that psychopath that's who does that and by the way yeah if you want to follow me on Twitter it's at Titus nation the real Christopher Titus on Facebook those roads were and by the way gentlemen you don't want to be mad max bad max is always half a criminal he's always busted up looks like Rob Zombie after a bad whitewater rafting accident so he's got a leg brace you know eyepatch made out of his old knee cap he's kind of hole blown through his head that he stuffed with a booby trap grenade so when he gets cardigan to stay cool things like go ahead pull the pin you blow both our minds he's got some weird Armageddon dune buggy with metal sticking off of it some drifter chained to it followed him through the wasteland oh the guy can't ride in the dune buggy cuz Mad Max his dog sits in the passenger seat his two legged dog that they haven't killed for food yet because it still got one good front left leg and one good right back leg so it balanced it's like a shitty table at a Chinese restaurant I want that dog honestly I did those road war moves I think they're trying to get us ready for Armageddon and how come everybody has the cool haircut in the apocalypse all those movies we can't find clean drinking water but everybody gets a mohawk or spikes or che with your name in it so Army Rangers and Navy SEALs didn't make it to the apocalypse but somehow stylists pulled it off I was at the shampoo station I heard a noise I hidden in her death I don't know what happened now I'm changing this [ __ ] doomed but you don't get this at all we do and that last rotary movie fury road fury road aside gentlemen there are no hot babes in the apocalypse oh no all the skinny hot chicks died of malnutrition lack of moisturizer and chapstick all that's left is those two titty bison females that used to roam the cheese aisle at Walmart and they're not around either they're locked in a room somewhere getting milk to feed the bad guys kids did you see the movie cuz that scene is in the movie so now when you watch the movie you're gonna giggle when I saw it I didn't have me so I went that movie pissed me off so in the middle of the apocalyptic wasteland for smoking-hot runway models show up that doesn't even happen in porn and they're all beautiful their makeups perfect they're well adjusted they all get along well now I know it's a movie there are wearing hemp but thongs barely raped at all carbon in the apocalypse let me be very clear I love women I think women are by far the better sex I think but in the apocalypse there's gonna be some raping and I know sometimes I'm gonna be on the weeping side of that raping you can't look like this and not expect that I know sir my mouth is gorgeous and how are you Millennials gonna survive the apocalypse there's no app yeah Millennials hate that job hey shut up I'll be fine I do it always do man get up get my two-thirds decaf latte trim my lumberjack beard call an uber and make it brother my mom said I could be anything and I got a participation trophy to prove that a lot of you Millennials can barely light a candle let alone change a tire how the hell are you gonna distill drinking water from a rusted hot tub you're dead neighbor is still floating it you can't cook and eat your girlfriend Shih Tzu if the microwave doesn't work doesn't even beep anymore you better get on the internet [Applause] so can we all stop talking about burning our country down because it's getting this crazy because only two people win in the apocalypse Mad Max and the guy with the goat head skull ventilator thing and that's about it the rest of us ground up in a dust and our bodies used to pave the road to Valhalla so instead of talking about burn in our country on how about we all just come together and fix this [ __ ] called America how about that [Applause] yeah I think we all learned this year if you can break your idea down to three words dumbasses they'll follow you anywhere oh come on Nazis are back we had khaki pant wearing polo shirt Nazis out there this year that was that was insane I don't think they couldn't all be Nazis you know I think somewhere best by employees walking through the park on the way home and they just got sucked into the chant they blow their soil we gardeners what are we doing give me a torch what are we doing was a weird year wasn't it we had so much weird stuff happening hurricanes lining up off the coast like they're waiting for rides at Disneyland man they ran out of names at one point they're like what in essence the team well I don't know it's insane and the country were getting along so well god we haven't gotten along this good since a Manson family picnic with the Tate's oh really man oh shut up I waited 50 years to do that you guys can't be mad at a 50 year old Reverend my god World Health Organization proved that meat causes cancer great that a Super Bowl barbecue is just a smoky flavored war crime of course none of us have to worry about cancer cuz climate change is gonna drown half of us and set the other half on fire I'm so glad it doesn't exist it's a bad year Prince's dead Prince can't die he's imaginary and here's the sad thing for me I thought we were doing so well human beings we're doing so we're amazing the stuff we do I have a phone in my pocket right now I hit one button cause anywhere in the planet in a second while I'm doing that I can watch a video of a young child hitting his father in the testicles with a wiffle ball back that is next-level human beings we eradicated polio got rid of smallpox made it possible to live with AIDS but we cannot crack the code on the vaccine for stupid candidate how do you know if you're stupid well if you're 10th grade English teacher help you write your third birth announcement you're an idiot if if you spell pregnant pre ignored that's gonna clean up their hands [Applause] [Laughter] I'll tell you what this last election proved me prove me what I'm not I'm not a Democrat I'm not a Republican I'm not a conservative not a liberal I'm not a hobbit I'm not an orc I'm not Slytherin I'm not Gryffindor and I'm definitely not a Hufflepuff yeah screw that imaginary group of people I'm an independent 100% I believe in the death penalty I've really yes I believe in the death penalty but I also believe that once you get convicted of the death penalty they should put you in a penalty box and you get beaten to death by hockey players but if it's lethal injection it should be organic and gluten-free somebody might have an allergy you don't know I'm getting kind of itchy in here my last meal was supposed to have a claritin I believe in abortion but only if the mother is exercising her Second Amendment rights while performing it I guess somebody loves the Constitution a lot more than other people there is a when I wrote that joke I knew it was gonna get that reaction and my brain went say it anyway and I said okay let me tell you the problem with America right now it's the same problem throughout history the problem with America right now is they they who run things you know all they want is money all they want is power they all have small penises even Hillary she's swinging something like they're the ones who start the wars there's one who crashed the economy did you crash the economy sir no what do you do for a living maintenance it's kind of vague sounds kind of drug dealer you right there what do you do maintenance side do you need some more good I got some here yeah you maintain it alright maintenance of course you didn't catch the economy you know did you start the Iraq war dude now of course you didn't you worked at Ruby Tuesday's and prayed to God the hostess wasn't pregnant I swear to God no of course we did we never have anything to do it that it's always day and who are they well in America's history they are always old ancient silver haired white men a lot of them are Dracula's and they'll have that thing me I call it the Sith Lord flap Paul Ryan's got a little way Obama had one he just combed it back cool he made it look good Mitch McConnell all right I want to make it too fun much fun of Mitch McConnell because I loved his work is the Pelican and Finding Nemo awesome that's who they are and what they did this year I've never seen it this bad they convinced everybody in America it was us versus them Democrats versus Republicans Republicans versus Democrats we couldn't get along in fact everybody in this room right now has an opinion about someone who doesn't agree with them politically am i right hell yeah every conservative in this room is a four-wheeled truck-driving sister screw and redneck and every liberal eats kale salad at the butt of his boyfriend am i right yeah drizzle and raspberry balsamic combo that's what we think about each other it's crazy the same or same country same people too if I ask you if I ask you liberals to get up here and do an impression of a conservative you guys would lose your minds oh my god don't make me laugh Marcia I got stop it all right my impression of a conservative when I went to the Walmarts and the got me a savings gun then headed down to plant a bomb at abortion clinic then I went way down town and kicked a young black feather in the testicular jet I'm going out to a KKK rally at a Ted Nugent concert where I'm gonna shoot me an endangered species [Applause] if I ask two conservatives get up into an impression of a liberal you guys a beat each other's ass to get on this thing shut up Bobby I'm doing it cuz I'm better at it than you go ahead get up alright he's my oppression of liberal that round one what the hell just happened my impression of delivery here we go [Music] I'll tell you when it's okay to laugh all right liver yeah here we go oh my god you don't believe what happened I was at my job helping the lesbian manatees and somebody used the word oriental and I lost my [ __ ] I went down to the ACLU and I filed a hate crime goddamn it and I was so upset on the way home I adopted a petting zoo I actually have a llama that's a rescue now my mom weighed downtown is inside I'm really a woman and I am transitioning and I will use any damn bathroom I want and I want molest children like I work for the US Olympic Committee really being that all you want at least I'm current I don't know anybody like that I take that back I know three people had to live in Prescott Arizona one lives in Berkeley and I'm related to one I don't know anybody like that can you know it's not us in them the people it's we the people and we forgot that and be clear we do not have to agree but we have to get along where this [ __ ] burns down if we could get together and show up and Washington together red baseball hats pink [ __ ] hats how you doing it yeah we worked our stuff out and I gotta be honest I love lavender organic potpourri my line and I don't think meat is murder anymore unless you eat people [Applause] we show up they are [ __ ] they wouldn't know they wouldn't know what to do they'd have to have a meeting the meeting would go like this and then after that meeting they would do what they always do when we go after they they would invent a new them over there always a brown them have you noticed oh yeah Iraq brown them Vietnam brown them all worried about the brown them of Mexico coming across the border right now yeah it's all brown there man we're all scared to death of a North Korean Asian weird hair cutted weird little fat guy then anybody here really afraid of North Korea cuz I gotta be honest I can throw a frisbee farther North Korea can launch a missile with a ton more accuracy that's why Japan was mad they didn't care about a nuke they don't know he doesn't have names like he he don't know it's gonna go gotta worry about the brown them in serious serious got chemical weapon Syria has always had chemical weapons and they've been at war with a bunch of people they can't beat with Russia's help and the guys they're fighting or attacking them driving Toyota pickup truck give me two boys from Tennessee in one tank we will jack up some toyota pickup truck but that's the way they do it that's the way they keep we separate talking about to them you know and also the brown them always hates our white Jesus remember that so oh they hate Christianity well the brown mom hates Christianity they hate the white Jesus I have to say this white Jesus in the Middle East in the desert really is Santa Claus also a telepathic unicorn because had Jesus shown up at that time this color if they would have killed him a lot faster the Bible would have been a pamphlet would look like a Bed Bath and Beyond coupons handing out Bibles doesn't get 20% off my immortal soul that's pretty good I'm gonna put that in the George go to April ad so don't buy it cuz this whole thing that's going on right now with our government it's gonna get weirder stay we don't let they distract you with the damned and one more thing do not tell they we talked about this I may disappear or they will turn me into with them and then I'll be in Russia with Edward Snowden going you got any threes weird time weird time poorly educated got pissed or an election they kept saying on the news the the poorly educated are voting big for Trump the poorly educated loved Trump they're voting for the roofer dump the poorly educated think Trump is amazing and you can say what you want about Trump like him or hate him you have to admit this man has no filter and the biggest balls of anybody we put in that office yeah so did Hitler don't clap I got a lot of friends that got big balls now I'm fighting over two parties at my house anymore because the cops follow Trump had the balls to get on stage in front of thousands of people after that poll came out he said I love the poorly educated I love the poorly educated and the poorly educated like he loves that he made fun of it in the same sense I think he did I'm sure I'm Paul educated I got to be honest with you I don't love the poorly educated they're dumb as [ __ ] and they have never helped not one time nothing cool was ever invented by a dumbass never happened they've never cured a disease he didn't fix your car better they didn't fix your phone you know when when the poorly educated do build something it always falls over and crushes the meth lab every time the poorly educated can sucked my left nut thank you very much and why can I talk smack about the poorly educated because I and one of them I am the poorly educated Lizard King I'm not making that up I'm not making that I did not graduate high school I was let go I was laid off from my senior year I showed them they went we filled your position so but I'm not done oh yes you are and I'm not making that up California public schools at that time were so bad it didn't matter what grade you got they just kept hurting you through the system I was like move couldn't spell move but I was moving on I'm not making this up and I'm not stupid obviously but I'm uneducated you know I I I was just smart enough to know I was a raging idiot I'm not making this up my last report card of my 8th grade year I got four FS and a D and I was like dude and I went to my teachers I guess I'll be back next year they know no you're a ninth grader now 9 is a number after 8 so I had to get smart after school because I wanted to be a comedian and just to be clear this is the only job I am qualified to do and I've already pissed some of you off doing it tonight but as a comedian you have to know what you're talking about you can't just make stuff up you can't be like Abe Lincoln was the best Cambodian president we ever had you know there were the kimchi Wars at 13 12 we signed the Declaration the codependence that was insane he does look like a dumbass so it'd be good at comedy so I was accurate I started studying after school I did I went back and I studied you know history and science and math I haven't written a whole lot of math jokes and when I did the exponent was wrong and that's the only math joke I have ever and I don't understand it so now when I wanna write comedy about something I have to study it really hard I've been studying the alt-right for the while round-eyed the alternative right they said Trump got helped by the alright the alternative right to help Trump if you don't know what the alt-right is best definition I can give you is it rhymes with all white let's leave it there and thank God thank God somebody's finally standing up for the oppressed white man in America we have had that boot heel of oppression on our necks for how long gentlemen my god we haven't committed genocide on a brown people in a Coon's age am i right let the white guilt flow why they come yeah amazing to me two hundred forty years of white presence we had one black guy in white II had a stroke forty three white guys one black guy who I feel like no more black guys not look like eyes no no no whoa why I'll tell you why the NBA in golf right there that's why right there and those sisters took over Tennyson North Korea's got ping-pong all we got left is white guys and you throw that thing in the icy asleep in front of it that's only look like it and a woman president are you out of your [ __ ] she's most qualified we ever had emails Benghazi Bill Clinton's deplorable penis [Applause] yeah we didn't want a bagina in the White House so we voted for the other side of the taint [Music] I know even a job people gotta be like alright it's a good joke that's a really good you let me tell you how good that joke actually is so I got rid of my OSHA bone the defect I wrote it filmed it got rid of it I always write new so because I always want you guys to come back to see new material you know it's not fair you guys keep me repeating something so I wrote the new show and I've been doing this so long I don't check where I go anymore so that Monday car made you go where am I going this weekend he was Alabama no I am NOT going to Alabama because Kevlar is expensive but if you know me at all you know damn well I'm going out home family I figure if I get shot I'll be super famous and I could really use a bump right now yeah I've been I've been thinking about sexually assaulting somebody just for the press sign up she did the door ladies or dudes let's get weird whatever you want to do so so I go to Alabama first night and in Birmingham Oh Bama and the show was so raw at the time I have 40 new pages I'm reading them off a stool and I think that's what saved me because in Alabama they couldn't believe I could do that he looks at the paper and then says what it says he's like a warlock and I wish I was only being half truthful about that show the second night though I went to Huntsville Alabama Huntsville Alabama is different because it's in order to speak for Alabama because it's got all the aerospace there Lockheed there is there you know and in all this crazy arrows NASA is there so in Huntsville Alabama its rednecks and rocket scientists and they've been a mangle in since the 60s so you'll be some weird ask people in Huntsville Alabama yeah we figured out the orbiter alpha Centuri for the next 1500 years and my mama makes a damn good lizard cornbread [Applause] so I got hunts with the brand-new club I'm the opening grand opening because they know Titus is gonna tell goofy stories about his dad and I'm doing this show and it was going well there's some smart people huh everybody's cool you know they were laughing a lot of them there was like nine people that really enjoyed it and there was a table right over here eight people and these people looked like they had swamp boated in I am not kidding everything you think Alabama is was sitting at that table one guy had like a beard this long look at Uncle Jesse from Dukes of Hazzard I keep calling him duck dynasty the ho show audience laughs he doesn't laugh because he thinks it's a compliment but the man next to him is this giant Bubba wearing a red white and blue jersey that says 45 and Trump across the shoulder and I'm doing Mischa both guys are watching the show like this I get to that joke and in one of Aegina in the White House that we voted for the other side of the taint and the kind of the beard goes all right goddamn it that's pretty funny [Applause] [Music] [Applause] monks lads will bring us together we will ridge the chasm with sarcasm so let's talk about the alright for a second they all right there's a group of white guys that believe America should be an all-white country like it always has been because they don't read a lot they don't like immigration brown people black people in Jews oh and they hate political correctness they want to keep it Raziel really you hate political correctness and why would you call yourself the alternative right you sound like a shitty Miley Cyrus metal cover band worthy alright and we're gonna rock you because if you don't like immigration brown people black people in Jews the non-political correct term is Nazi I'm not calling you a Nazi let's just go to the chart cuz it matches exactly in fact if you didn't know that's what a Nazi was you guys are like Nazi straw Damas that's amazing to me and why would you spend all that money and time marketing a new name when you ought to get a logo that everybody knows and that real cool high-five I love it the alternative right we don't call serial killers cadaver creators you guys don't buy your drugs from a street CEO dear yes I scored my meth today from the president of the company in his offices behind the dumpster I believe they're remodeling if you're a Nazi just say you're a naughty you [ __ ] Nazi I can't believe they're coming back man that charlotte's for thinking that that was a ragtag ass group of Nazis was that not that was not diversity I have never been offended for Nazis before those guys needed a seminar man they need like a Tony Robbins Nazi to help their ass I would like to point that some of you are late Nazis are late now I have a couple of announcements before we get started that's a break we will be having juice you don't like juice I love fresh please girls so Nazis let's talk about the details I saw the Charlottesville video won't all I have to say is details Nazis do not wear lynyrd skynyrd t-shirts we hate the lynyrd skynyrd we like the Eagles it's on all the logos some of the details I saw the flags you were flying yes yes I saw the flags you have like it's the Confederate flag oont is a Nazi flag which by the way don't tell anyone were two of the biggest historic losers of all time but I notice as you were flying the flags they were all wrinkled all the crinkled details Nazis if you're going to hate steam [Applause] that is my favorite joke of the new shop there's a lot of reasons why they say Trump won it's not because he's the best guy there's a lot of reason I said oh he won because Obamacare was too bad I disagree I think it's cuz Obamacare was too good I'm not making this up the top ten states that voted for Trump are also the top ten states with the highest prescription opioid abuse so Obama care was working its ass off people had all their drugs in Costco quantities and here's what bothers me about that you get busted for driving high but you can vote high whenever you want that's we need some damn checkpoints at the voting booths have dis troopers lined up the wrong guy comes in whoa I made a move on my man Dee sir can you step out of line please sir yes sir over here sir I'm gonna give you a voter sobriety test right now no sir there's no spelling relax so I'm gonna ask you a couple questions based on your answers we're going to determine whether you're capable of voting in an American election are you ready sir do you think 9/11 was a hoax hell yeah and then chemtrails killed my dog get on the floor right now [Applause] now yeah I got one can i tase him sorry no no no we're good my body camera was off so here's what I think happened in those states pika woke up the day after the election like damn baby what did we do yes barely feel my round is a good night I don't remember nothing you remember anything whoo baby I've got a sticker on my forehead says I voted with let's see what happened turn on the learning box and the news was crazy the new sense things this last election I got they kept saying things like the disenfranchised white male workers voting big big for Trump the disenfranchised white male from the rest of Alsace is loves Trump in his vote and big the disenfranchised white male how come when a black guy doesn't have a job he's lazy but when a white gay doesn't have a job he's disenfranchised no I'm not unemployed I'm disenfranchised and this is an amazing Chardonnay Mike will I have to be honest it's the only tell my life it's the one reason I'm happy away that's my word I use it all the time no no no my ex-wife did not cheat on me she disenfranchised me with two other gentlemen yes her lawyer disenfranchised the [ __ ] out of my bank account it was a bad year I was bent over a table and repeatedly disenfranchised [Applause] such a [ __ ] word it sounds like the taco boom there you got closed down and no more gorditas guys we've been disenfranchised but there's a grain of truth in it there's a grain of truth in that reason man you know why cuz in America we are talking the second one born you can be or do anything in America the American dream right the land of opportunity you can be in it if you start with zero you could be a millionaire in America you can be anything and after you hear that your whole life you find yourself 40 50 years old you haven't made it you're pissed I was there when I was 18 frankly no because with this kid in her school rod Conner Makapuu ah he was a Hawaiian so he was a brown them oh and then I found out Hawaii was a state so I let that guy but rod was our valedictorian straight-a student lettered in four sports on top of that he was a nice guy [ __ ] him we all know that yeah I was mad at him for a long time because he went to MIT full-ride scholarship started a company made a bunch of money and I've ever been mad for a long time with this guy and then one day I woke up to the fact I can't be mad at somebody who went to class got a degree and started a company while I bought four jet skis at 21% interest I could have gone to a community college you know I'm gonna said I moved to a rural area where things were cheaper there's a lot of people like me you know pasty furry angry smelling of Pabst Blue Ribbon and misspelled tattoos you know we'd sit it right up to the game on Sunday and [ __ ] about the elite running crap we'd say and then we play another round of racial slur jeopardy yeah we talked about that minority sucking at the government tip we'd say as we folded our welfare checks into our wallets not seeing the irony or knowing what irony means ironically and while we did that the nerves and the geeks nearly stood impossible things like read and not get DUIs well I'll let my fourth girlfriend pop on our seventh little diaper filler that scream get them kids out of my meth lab that's my mancave plus I just rebuilt it it might fall over and crush another one you don't know and then one day I woke up angry bitter you know unemployed in debt racist but I still had Netflix I'm gonna have to be honest with everybody tonight in America if you're a white man and you can't make something happen in this country it ain't China it ain't Mexico it ain't NAFTA it ain't TPP in America if you're a capable white man and you can't make something happen that's on you do you want to know how I know that I am a DF student on paper I should be being forcibly snuggled in a penitentiary right now and you guys paid to see me I love this country best place everybody I've been all over the world this is the best guy you want to know how good America is let me explain to you how good Americans in America if you don't have a job you can walk out into the middle of the Home Depot parking lot stand there and a job will drive up what well yes I am disenfranchised I would love to help you dig a sewer trench in your backyard man well after you man well you do realize I'm the foreman right that's a little joke for the alternative right that's me you guys I love this country there's no other place in the world I could do what I do and be successful at it you know what I hate more than anything when people insult America don't you hate when people insult America I only hey don't yell when people insult this country don't you I hate it man make America great again [ __ ] you it's great right now what are you talking about piss me off man this is the best country in the world and I want you to know I love it more than anything and that's why tonight we've got a last comedy show because tomorrow I start running for president of these United States now why should I be president well didn't we all look at the TV at one point in the last year's and go [ __ ] I can do this I'm a lot like him tall white guy with a giant head there you go my hands are bigger sorry and you're welcome I'm a lot like him I say stupid crazy insane [ __ ] on stage all the time but that's where him and I differ you know we started to split off there I don't I don't have any bankruptcies I pay my taxes late but I pay him plus penalties down I don't have any rape cases to settle I don't I don't have some fake-ass college Conn to pay off I have never paid off a porn star but I have been paid by one [Applause] I'm only on my second wife and I only grab [ __ ] when it asked politely [Applause] I'm also not part of any group either man you know I'm not I'm about to Vidya demmer problem whatever he know is paying me I'm here and it's 115 degrees in Arizona appear America wonder-percent man you know I'm not part of any girl I believe what Groucho Marx said I would never be part of any group that would have me as a member great job you know you know I did try to join black lives matter that was a long interview man but a good leader listen so I went to a couple meetings and I sat there and just listen to what they were talking initially how do we stop being mad about slavery I said let's have a white sale it ain't go the way I thought it would yeah and I thought it was real funny because it was also Easter that's hilarious I'm not a racist or bigoted the only people I think she'd be killed instantly our family law attorneys and Toyota Prius drivers that's it right there sorry you Toyota Prius feel do you know what you do to the highways jiminy you just screw things up then you clear and we all go and then you come back you like to hurt me to the highway that's who you are here are three things you are never gonna hear in your life whoa look at that badass Prius well that Prius is haulin ass and that driver seems so competent dude I got my new Prius bring on the lady I do blame the preassure party election here's the thing I did not understand about why people were frustrated they keep time I ever was frustrated well if you look at the history eight years before this last election our economy had crashed and then at the end of that housing had gone up it was twenty percent higher than it was before the crash and the stock market it tripled and unemployment gone from 12 percent to 5 percent we'd save General Motors in crisis bin Laden got killed why aren't people frustrated Toyota Prius every Prius I've ever been behind at a stoplight that light turns green takes at least six seconds to drive away doesn't sound like a lot does it you behind that idiot one two 20 million Priuses on the road 200 million drivers that means a lot of us are behind these idiots all the time and after a day of it you don't know what's wrong with using a bad mood you get home your life goes what's the matter with you I don't know it just seems like I can't get anywhere in America anymore I just can't get ahead I'm stopped at every turn god damn it I don't know what to do I'm gonna vote for a reality television star it's Snooki running then sweet potato Hitler it is I know too rough too far too far and in fact if I could get to family law attorneys to get an opposing Priuses and have an 80 mile an hour head-on collision uh that would make me hard I'm a pure American I love capitalism and democracy that's why I should be a good president you know I hate communism any ideology who are you have to wait in line for toilet paper is very oppressive and very Pro skidmark I also don't believe in trickle-down economics I had to read about it talking here about uh since Reagan I actually spent three weeks to sky I can break down trickle-down economics to you guys in one sentence are you ready if we give rich people more money they will give it to poor people even the poorly educated like well that's a lot [ __ ] I bet you give it to us we'll trickle it up they trickle down I believe in is when I leave the men's room wearing light gray pants I've witnessed that one I'm not a libertarian either although in a titus administration we're gonna bring the size of government down a little bit but he's hardcore libertarian I don't want any government in my life good when I steal your car don't call the cops your house is on fire that's a [ __ ] no I'd call the fire department but I want to screw with your beliefs oh that insulation makes a pretty blue don't I didn't say I wasn't gonna be an [ __ ] president when it comes to legislate I'm by the engines I'm not a socialist either what did socialists become an insulted socialist do you guys know socialism is we all work together especially democratic socialism you work hard really together and we all share and we all build each other up that's what it knowing gets a billion dollars no one gets a doll that's socialist I think it's the ISM that bothers people you know communism racism you know Nazism I want I want to change the name to social gasm and we all get off then then try to use it as in zosocial gasps miss uh yeah sorry I got a little trickle down when it comes to legislation in the Titus administration we're not going to legislate where you go to the bathroom you look like a dude pee with a dude's pee you look like a chickpea with a chick's pee if you don't know though behind the dumpster weird are you creeping everybody out and when it comes to gay troops in America I'm sorry you want to step in front of a bullet to protect our freedom god bless thank you very much for doing that and transgender troops I'm want transgenders in the military are you kidding me you had the balls to cut off your own balls that's pretty ballsy I'm sorry that's a committed individual right there Titus who's the bravest man in your platoon Linda and I will follow him anyway in fact I'm gonna draft transgender people into the military and form elite groups of trans seals and we will never go to war ever again we are going to kill the infidel Americans who are they sending over well sir intelligence tells us they're sending over the trans seals ah who are these trans seals sir it's a group of people who cut off their testicles and sort of their vaginas ah they were prisoners it was punishment No they asked to have it done then paid for it themselves [Laughter] [Applause] changing hearts and mod that trans seal bid I did first time I wrote it I was doing it at the downtown club here in Arizona and in Phoenix and I did it next day my facebook lights up with his mom flipping out five paragraphs oh my god my son is trans and he loved you you're his favorite comedian and seeing you that transmit he hates you now and he wants you to know it's not a mutilation it's a restoration well restoration means you put it back the way it was originally at best it's a renovation and you really just remodeled the bathroom [Applause] call out everybody so as president I will I'm gonna give you a country with a little more automatic health got a little less automatic weapons a country where facts Trump opinion in facts about Trump change your [ __ ] opinion I bring you a country where known lies are convicted instead of elected in a country where sexual predators are put in prison with much bigger angry or sexual predators I'm gonna bring you a country where women are heard unless the game is on in just give me twenty minutes but at the fourth quarter why a country with a poor have a shot at being rich and the rich don't want the poor shot that's an America I can believe in and that's what America I will bring it because that's in America I was taught about in school when I wasn't paying attention and that's who I'm gonna be in 2018 thank you very much now why why am i running in 2018 because I think the new guy is gonna drop a deuce by Easter I really do it's getting weirder isn't it and I want to talk to you livers for a second because all I talk about the cheque is by the way if whatever side you're on you think there's no douchebags in your group you're a douchebag the only way we get back to we is calling on everybody on their [ __ ] we can't just call it one side everybody got to get called out on the [ __ ] that's how it goes man you know and I thought Trump was easy to get and you and you Trump people didn't do anything wrong and people who can mad at you guys you didn't know people think you had no liberals these guys voted with a guy they wanted that's what you're supposed to do as an American you know and you people that didn't vote or voted for Harambee you see that mushroom cloud of her Phoenix that shits on you what do you mean that doesn't look like a haboob it is not they just voted for the guy they wanted that he ended up this guy is you know he's a professional comment it's not their fault and I thought he was easy to get I was raised by an alcoholic father and I'm mentally a mother who better to deal with Congress ladies thank you very much here's how easy Trump is to get I have a 12 year old son and he's an idiot sorry he's not an idiot he's just 12 10 to 14 your boys have this amazing ability where they could take their brains out put him down and just walk away for weeks at a time all right here's a story about my son so last year was in seventh grade first to sixth grade when I had to pick him up I had to waiting that that drop-off pick up line they didn't sign a piece of paper then they'd do a DNA test and they do an iris scan and then I could pick his ass up then he became a seventh grader and now he can just leave when he wants because he's this much taller and nine pounds heavier I guess he's a ninja now when I was cool with that you know why cuz I hated waiting in that drop-off pick-up line with you chatty soccer moms driving Priuses oh my god I Drive a ram 1500 four-wheel drive and you don't know how many times I played a monster truck scenario in my head oh I was just sitting that line just thinking [Applause] how is today at school son so now I'm stoked that I could that I can dag and tell them that I go good you can leave here's what I want you do across the street stay in front of the church he's goes to a Christian school stand on the curb I'll Drive up picket we're out he goes cool first day I do it it's raining in LA I get off the freeway I'm on the wrong side of the freeway I go past this 4-way stop I pulled on the curb my son is four lanes away from me directly across the street I look at the window of my truck and my son goes [Applause] [Laughter] and we look at each other for like a day and a half and I finally roll my window down I go across the street smart kid got it got it he grabs his stuff he goes to the corner I'm right there he hits the button this light turns green he crosses this Street turns and realizes I'm farther from dad now doesn't run back on the green hits the button to cross this street and it was the first time it came out of me involuntarily I said it before when you something silly but I was looking at the rearview mirror of my truck and I hear myself go the [ __ ] [Applause] he waits for that light to change crosses that returns and realizes he now has yet one more street to crawl he waits for that light to change cross the street gets in my truck and I go what are you doing and he goes I know right which I count his progress because he didn't used to know when he was stupid remember guys you hit about 13 and you're like oh my god what am i doing I'm never gonna touch a girl if I keep this up that's my son in so I'm writing this new show it's a while ago and and I'm watching the news way too much my family hates me because and just to Trump people I didn't want to write the show but it was on TV every night like like five things a day like how do you scoop 730 times in 500 days the only people happier Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan and Chris Brown they're like he beat our record alright so it's just coming out of me and I couldn't not that's what I do my job is to observe and do it so I'm it's coming out of me but I'm watching the news all the time and my fans like what are watching news I was like hey hey you guys want to eat I gotta go to Phoenix and it's 115 degrees so I'm watching the news one night I'm just writing my son sitting next me on the couch and this is not easy Trump is to get out of the blue my son just turns and goes how is Mexico gonna pay for the wall [Applause] I love you so much right now no I thought I was crazy I don't know son maybe maybe we're gonna get free landscaping at the White House for a while maybe maybe we'll we'll send him an invoice and they don't pay it I guess we'll just we'll just ruin their credit we'll be Mexico's ex-wife don't tell your mom I said that the chump even got to be tired of here and the wall thing is getting so weird the weirdest thing heard about the wall was when Spicer was still in spies that came out he goes part of the wall is going to be invisible even the poorly educated like I'll come oh man we're poorly educated we believe in spandex not magic and here's the sad part for the Trump people you guys don't know they now whatever he says I have a crazy he they got to back him up I got Frank fans in Texas on the border they got it being a visible wall yet they built it this morning look at that son of a [ __ ] right there here 320 foot invisible you're gonna go invisible go big am i right it's a high-tech sumbitch right there ain't nothing getting through that except for that little Mexican fella right there hey [Applause] rusted check the fuse box on the invisible wall and you voted for the guy you know you chump me who you voted for the man you deserve your wall to the victor goes this well in fact you know what I want the wall build now cuz every four years after that the Olympics we're gonna kick ass in handball I mean we're always gonna have to play Mexico in the finals because they also have a wall nine is a number after a and I can prove that no matter what who you voted for we're all the same in this country right now you know I everyone in this room has had someone come up to them ago to hear what he said today and then they tell you and you go no way and then you turn on the TV and you go damn it every single one of us the motor there was something he heard that he said about the wall that I didn't believe and then my wife and I were driving somewhere I'm listening to the Alabama speech the primary speech when Roy Mora was against the other guy and we have to give Alabama some props because we finally found out their line racist homophobic pedophile they were like nope you can hate just don't [ __ ] kids which is their new license plates so good job Alabama so so we're listen to the speech and he says this and I honest add to play it again I was like whoa what the hell is that he said about the wall he goes the wall needs to be see-through because drug dealers will take hundred pound bags of drugs put them on catapults and shoot them over the wall and they may hit innocent Americans in the head my first thought was my god the Three Stooges have started a drug cartel is that how El Chapo made his billions is it cuz I know the Sinaloa cartel just took over Mexico they have a big meeting one day ok everybody welcome to the meeting I have a know bitchin idea to smuggle the drugs no more tunnels my fingers hurt are you ready for this we're gonna build a catapult no not a trebuchet got it Paul I'm not going to argue with you anymore then we're going to take hundred pound bags of drugs put them in the catapult and then we're gonna chew them over the invisible wall now we may need to get some liability insurance in case we hit innocent Americans at the head who are vacationing near the wall okay everybody and drug dealers okay oh and here's the other thing about Trump if Chum was a nice guy it'd be easier to take you know we've had dumb guys in there before there were nice guys you know guys that weren't that smart about guy I met George W George W is a really nice guy like W you know I didn't agree with him on anything but I liked him I guess I mean I got to do a show for him a Christmas special with ABC and I got to be doing the comedy it was at Ford's Theater where Lincoln got shot which is weird cuz the booth is right there it's 12 feet from you and they don't anybody sit there cuz I guess they haven't caught the guy or they're still doing forensics I don't know what's going on so they asked me to the show and I said yeah I said Iraq was going on so could I do my Iraq material and they went no and I said no no it's not about the war it's about the troops and they said okay they should he cleared it cuz I was there a couple times and when I would go to Iraq and get these gigs I call it the comedian's as I go dude we're gonna go do shows to the troops in Iraq you wanna go and every comedian said hell yeah and then I call him - he's 40 leave we're leaving in two weeks I'm not going on rack I'm gonna go to Tempe Arizona where it feels like Iraq except with old people so the last summer when I invited this guy named Everlast everything I got to meet him every last a great musician he jump around and she's a great musician and he's also raised in Boston in East LA so I said you want to go to Iraq he's like yeah do I bring a gun or can we rent he's legit so we go to Iraq and any soldiers in there tonight if you're in it tonight thank you for doing the job I want you guys to know something when you clap for these shoulders I want you to just not clap because it's out wrote think about what they went through Iraq was the worst place I've ever been to in my life imagine if Mars got colon cancer that's Iraq nothing there when you got a plane it was so hot it was literally we say here except you dude accept dangers I yeah and they got the plane and and they had pellets of water and all the basement go tiny string someone oh I'm just hot and then I go to the bathroom and above every latrine there is a chart that shows you where your pee should be and it starts to get clear and then it goes sprite then it goes Mountain Dew then it goes mello Yello and I always peeing Aunt Jemima maple syrup down here and the lieutenant was like you're about eight minutes from death mr. Titus you got it nobody should pee chunks let's go and we did we did Fallujah and we did Missoula and we did to Crete and and I was over there before Obama just gave it back god damn it oh I'm sorry liberals lighten up three trillion dollars three trillion dollars and we walked away could we at least leave paul blart here please no the yards late yard ladies at my high school could have held off isis for a couple of weeks but obama was like nope george w signed a treaty and we have to be out by 2014 and we're gonna honor that treaty it's the first time we've ever honored a treaty but we have to this time because I'm the black guy yeah you conservatives thought I was AI oh that's a good point so where we get where we do our show and we're in Mo's when we get three days in Mosel we have to stay in Mizzou for three days because I can't get us a flight and staying in Mosul Iraq is not it's not sandals Iraq it's not good and it's just me and ever let's walking around the base and the soldiers like guys don't walk around the base if you're gonna they going to the to the you need to eat to the to the mess and get a move I'm like why and he's like because get where our musician of the comedian they were like that's how they explained it to us Oh so after our first day these shoulders show up they go hey we know you guys got a couple days offer hey if we get you guys a chopper ride will you guys go do show at a Forward Operating Base and I was like hell yeah cuz I didn't know what a Forward Operating Base well here's where we are here's the Forward Operating Base here's where we're going and it's funny we got in this way to get this Blackhawk and they got the doors blown off it and they put on my flak vests it's like hundred twenty degrees and it's hot and I put on my metal hat my helmet I put on my helmet all right that's a joke but it really happened I was kidding ready to get in the chopper at my fight goes on tonight and put it down and I lost it and I again the chopper go anybody see my metal hat and all the soldiers win did you just say metal hat sir if it's made out of Kevlar on we call it a helmet don't say metal hat again okay sir because the doors are off this chopper ready so we fly across the desert and we're flying forever we had to divert around the sandstorm which is amazing because we landed my face was so smooth and we get close to this and we fly forever and there's nothing there it's deathly what are we here for there's just there's just rocks and dirt no trees and all of a sudden in the distance we see this town and it's in the middle of nowhere I mean there's no wheels water nothing what it looks like it's people got pissed at the Mosel City Council like you know what screw you we're gonna start our own town come on guys let's go and they started walking and they walked a biblical distance and somebody went [ __ ] it we're gonna build it right here I don't care now my flip-flops are all jacked up I can't I don't care what the white Jesus says so we're coming in as you see says that there's a town over here that 400 yards away there's this big giant complex and we found out later that was the old mayor of the talent he had this big giant mansion and we commandeered it I don't know what commandeered means you're gonna have to ask an American Indian Titus asterick Oh an historical so we come in and we land on the base and we're inside and it's gonna be sticking walls and this little antenna comes up to help he's got a little glasses like oh it's radar O'Reilly and nobody knows what the hell I'm talking about because they're 14 and I'm a thousand and seven and we get out we get out of the chopper and I look over and up against the wall as a tank and the turret is pointed over the wall directly at the town and I go to the commander I go what's the deal with the tank and he goes it's a reminder that's how we're changing hearts and minds I we're reminding them so the guy takes it and I want to say you want to talk about being We the People every soldier I saw white black Hispanic didn't matter whatever religion they were all working together you want to talk about we those guys did it every day and they were badass so this tenant this new credit takes upon the third balcony we're overlooking the town of the distance he starts talking about this town of Asura that we're at he goes he does this town of Asura is one of the smallest towns in Iraq and and all the bad guys the worst of the worst are coming here hiding out so we had to build this base here so we can go get him and our guys going every night and they don't know what's behind that door to kick the door in and they're knocking in rock and I was proud I was like yeah and then my anus clenched shut like I had this caveman fear come up in me like I don't know what happened but I turned around and about 20 feet behind us this special ops guy had walked out onto the balcony but he wouldn't come out any further any aid they have a lot of patches on his unify I don't know what unit he was in but maybe any military got the patch on his arm it was Satan raping a bear I don't know anybody want to fight those guys I'm not fighting those guys and this guy was crazy he was he he was he was she was she who is he he was an x-men that's what he was he was an x-men he had the waist of a 12-year girl like the shoulders of a Yeti was insane and he was also calm to know every man in this room who's been in a couple of bar fights you know the guys you can fight and the guys you can't fight the guy that's going that guy get out your phones he's getting his ass kicked and it's gonna be hilarious then there's that other guy that just goes sure you want to fight as a matter of fact I apologize and this guy was calmer than that guy it's Barry he's standing 20 feet behind us on the edge of this balcony and we're way out in the front of it he just goes gentlemen do you guys mind coming back here for a second please so Everlast turns because you heard his voice you heard it he ever let's walk past me I walk past him lieutenant walks past as we did almost nothing he grabs the front of his shirt and part of his nipple because the kid made a noise now he's getting carried drags behind this wall and the guys slams against the wall and I said I am NOT next I'm blaming him he brought us out here and the guy doesn't pay attention you know look it's right in the kids face and he goes you do know there are snipers in that town right now right and everyone else goes oh can I kick his ass and the guy was like no it's against army regulations plus I got to rape him in a minute anyway now I didn't tell that story at the Christmas special so here's what a nice guy W is I'm in front of him doing my show it's going alright Doug and his wife Laura sitting there in the middle of I go mr. president goes hard for me to call you mr. president can I just call you Hoss yeah and the whole room goes Bert I thought it would get a laugh not thinking that I just called the President of the United States cause and w looks at me and goes yeah Hoss I like that go ahead call me hast ya then at the end of that show we're all sitting up stage behind him and he goes to the mic to make a speech he walks if he goes how's everybody doing Hoss here ha ha ha then they invited me to the White House I got to go to the White House make America great again that's pretty great my god and I just got divorced and I met my new girl and and I got married or finally by the way my new wife is so far out of my league it's ridiculous yeah here's how it my league my wife is will be in an airport somewhere she'll get up to go to the bathroom and guys I don't know we'll walk over to me and go dude how did you land that I don't know bro I don't know I have no idea and don't you say nothing to her because she may not know this is weird so I called her I said you want to go on a date to the White House no not Waffle House White House she meets me there she's got on a ball gown I've got a tuxedo in line to get a picture with w and his wife Laura and here's what a normal dude W is as we walk over he glances sees my girl goes all right things are looking up fist bump mr. president like I told you to call me Hoss call me Hoss nice man nice man even when you see me in interviews now at Clinton whatever he's just he's self-deprecating this guy on the other hand our new guy hate tweets about civil rights leaders on Martin Luther King weekend does he have a calendar I'm gonna save this tweet till next Saturday maybe that would make sense he's gone after some of America's most hated terrorists Meryl Streep called Meryl Streep overrated she's been nominated for 20 Oscars in 1/6 I'm sorry you don't get to talk [ __ ] about anybody if your best skill is bankruptcy and the comb-over and Trump people I want you to know I'm not giving you my opinion this is a fact the man bankrupt for casinos do you know how casinos work people walk into the casita they hand over all their money and then they walk out of the casino [Applause] somehow he found the glitch in that but again the problem is liberals in our country here's why here's why liberals right now think they have the moral high ground actually all thinking that that you know these people are stupid that voted for Trump they're not they didn't know he was gonna be this guy and now because everyone's talking [ __ ] online like a bunch of digital [ __ ] everyone's got their back up you know you can't you said you [ __ ] you dude no one's gonna oh we're good hug me that's not what happens we gotta learn to be cool if for our fellow if we're gonna be we again we got to be cool people too making mistakes my grandmother's 84 years old she voted for Trump we're playing cards over Christmas and she and at the end in the middle of the playing card she just goes I wish this man would just put down the tweeter can't I believe I voted for the city I made a mistake and you know what I didn't do yeah [ __ ] watch you suck on that they know liberals they know they just don't know what to do about it you know they got are they're gonna write it out but they know trust me they go home there and we're all the same people we're all I can prove we're every one of us the same every single one of us in the morning grabs our phone hits a newsfeed sees what he says and says exactly what Paul Ryan says we're all the same every single one of us knows every time we see Kellyanne Conway on that television that's somewhere she's got a coat made out of dalmatian puppies [Applause] little difference well Americans but everyone in this room knows that from space Trump's hair looks like Doppler radar during hurricane season how do you comb your hair over from your neck man it's insane we're all the same cuz everybody in this room whether who you voted for when he walked up the stairs that day and that whole thing went bad [Music] we all know that's a dr. Eva moment oh my god and he's obviously part clam what just happened so I want everyone to be cool people's mistakes now we're all gonna in fact I'm gonna tell you a story right now but one of the worst mistakes I have made in the last five years and we're gonna laugh about it and that's how we're gonna be when someone says they voted any when next time they go dude what happened I can't believe I did this you're not gonna get mad you're not gonna need me hey hey [ __ ] he's not my president yeah you live here too [ __ ] yeah yeah by the way you don't have to like it but we got to figure out how to fix it and the only way that's gonna happen is we okay so let me tell you story and you guys the worst thing I did in the last five years I started drinking around 15 years old I stopped drinking at 17 because I fell into a bonfire oh I got really good at drinking that's that's gold medal level right there Alcoholics Anonymous sent me a certificate that just said Wow and then under that it said we can't help you so I stopped drinking at 17 years old I didn't drink again till I hit 40 when I met my new girl what dinner one night having dinner and I had water and she goes I keep not having a drink and I go cuz I fell into a bonfire when I was 17 and she goes but you're not 17 anymore you're a grown-ass man and I thought wow you're an alcoholic she said no I'm just saying you're not making the decision of a child you're a grown man have a drink I go do you run an alcohol distribution company what is wrong and then she said I'm just saying a real man would have a drink she's from Louisiana I said okay and she was showing a lot of side boob so I said I am only flesh and blood she was right that was an older man's different guy on a different life I had a drink I'm fine I can drink it's good everything's fine everything's my gang and drink but recently something happened and by the way and I'm the worst kind of drunk cuz I'm a happy drunk you can't piss me off you will be in a bar somewhere what the hell you looking at your hair is amazing is that a moose or a pomade cuz you are beautiful Brad Pitt oh you want to do me home oh no but we can get married legally now hell I'll even make you a cake [Applause] I'm gonna need to cover more of these though cuz I know my mouth is gorgeous I'm the guy when people are dragging me out I'm nothing I'm like away we're just talking no he's gonna kill you what is he mad like how I get me a hug come on okay yeah I'm a pain in the ass dude I'm the worst so you're like a drink everything's fine so I got but I got one okay so a while back I got home from one of my Road gigs and on Monday I take a day off and I watch my shows on my DVR cuz watching Street outlaws whatever it is and I had three glasses of wine hey they had three got a three I poured a whole bottle into three glasses of wine and I drank it over three hours he says to justify his behavior I got done doing it around I remembered I went upstairs and my wife is already in bed and I get in Ben she goes hey your throat sounds kind of raspy I want you to take this benadryl I didn't know this part see this is the part I don't take medication I did not know that wine plus one plus one plus benadryl equals oh my god no and that's the second math joke I have ever written so I took the benadryl can I love her and I cheesy way she does have me anything take this okay hello why am i foaming now she just counting money no reason keep going people I took that benadryl of the wine I slept like I have never slept in my life almost went into the light welcome the next morning like I had a blood transfusion right I feel incredible this must be what Oprah and Keith Richards do but my house was weird like my wife woke up we she was grumpy but she wakes up grumpy sometime then think about that but my dogs were inconsistent my dogs are very consistent every morning I wake up my older dog just face rate for me for five minutes it's what he does this morning though he was sitting at the end of the bed as far as he get away from me going our younger dog who's the Dark Soul he listens to Nine Inch Nails all the time usually under the bed shivering this morning however he's bouncing all over me like whatever I did last night we were buddies gonna hang on the smoking air and carve our initials in our arm I didn't think anything of it I just went about my day and my wife didn't say anything to me but instead as I'm going about my day she started to noise me into an argument oh yeah yeah you shouldn't say anything we're on I got my coffin working on hall and as she goes by me she goes you shouldn't know what I'm doing right now because I walk past for two hours later and she just went wow and I'm not biting I know it's come I'm not gonna bite I just keep taking command or there are two hours less walks past me and she just goes I'm believable what and she whips on me she goes do you know what you did last night and that sense is never followed by you saved a baby from a fire you cured cancer follow the patent and we never have to work again that's what you did last night so I sat down on the edge of the bed cuz I'd heard that sentence before when I was 17 and I said no what did I do last night and she said you were sleeping like I've never seen you sleep and I said I remember that she said about 3:00 a.m. you got up to go to the bathroom you shouldn't be that far ahead of me you got to go to the bathroom walked into the closet open your pants then opened your pajama drawer and filled it and I said with what because I didn't want the dogs to have one up on me she said then you pulled up your pants closed your pajama drawer and flushed it by flicking off the light switch I peed my pajama drawer now I know a lot of you more weirded out that I have a pajama drawer but my wife loves Jimmy Stewart and she likes me to sleep silky our safe word is Harvey I made a dumb mistake it's a dumb mistake cause it was the mistake so next time you deliver us once ethnics in trouble people go kind of over this guy and he man he's just he's this not living up to I wish I hadn't voted for him don't get in their face it's okay you peed in your pajama drawers all right but here's how we can save America if we can just get rid of the confidently stupid people I'm not about normal stupid who don't know we're trying I'm talking about the people that don't know and are proud they don't know and think they know gonna people talk about Peter just yelling you give them a factor like I don't believe that it doesn't care what you believe it's a fact where'd you get that fact NASA NASA bunch of nerds and geeks and elites cuz that's what stupid people do instead of just taking five minutes to look it up they came up with words to make fun of smart people you know words like nerd gig homeowner elite the dam and leach running it and I was on the elite boat for a minute I went there like sounds like yeah the elites then I looked up what elite means you know what it mean it means best of the best Italy means you're better than almost anybody at your job if you're a leader what you do you're in the top 5% that's who I want running [ __ ] not somebody who owned a beauty pageant do you know why because every man on the planet when it comes to boobs and butts is pretty elite but I wouldn't trust one of you [ __ ] with the economy I don't like the confidently stupid and you know how hard it is to be stupid and not knowing 2018 what time was being the smartest mammal to walk the planet every single one of us down to the dumbest person in here has one of these phones and in that phone clickety clack is every piece of information from the beginning of recorded history and it's four inches from your butthole all day long and you still found time to be a dumbass but gas pumps at the swee have a screen pump enough information while you're pumping gas and you're still stupid how is that possible stupid people must just get home tired every day yeah because it's so hard to be stupid now your wife goes what's the matter hon oh babe I'm so beat today was rough I had to walk to the world of void and truth and knowledge and facts oh it was horrible huh thank God you put that song on my iPod it was great I just don't want to think anymore babe I just want to turn my brain off put on Fox News please [Applause] quick fact for you peel that thing in this lip tart snowflakes thinking you think I read that Fox News was proven after a fact check him to be 17 percent accurate CNN's only 73 percent but 17 damn I did better than that in school and I got 4s and a deed Fox News is like the tofurkey of news because it's not what it says it is but I like Fox for a lot of reasons because as a older gentleman I know where to get a comfortable catheter don't need it yet waiting for a coupon do you guys know the people I'm talking about the competently stupid that are just so like they don't have any facts but they're loud about a certain one just backs off yeah I know I know 98% of climatologists say climate change exists but 2% say it don't so that makes it inconclusive okay so if I'm 98% inside your girlfriend is the sheet cheating on you or is it inconclusive either way I believe you've been disenfranchised [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you [Music]

Channel: christophertitustv

Views: 1,504,839

Keywords: Christopher Titus, Standup Special, Comedy Special, Ameriggedon, Titus

Id: J83gVedhv-o

Length: 101min 24sec (6084 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 22 2020