Christopher Titus • Love Is Evol • Full Special

everybody Christopher Titus how you doing except for the worldwide pandemic good listen I'm putting up love is evil on my website right now actually not on my website it's gonna go on YouTube my youtube channel Christopher Titus TV the entire special 90 minutes for free watch it it's my best well everybody says it's their best it's one everybody comes up to me and goes dude without that special man I was gonna kill myself so it's a bonus my impression is that I'm glad you didn't was it funny so anyway it's on my youtube channel Christopher Titus TV with a bunch of other content new Armageddon updates and whatever but we're putting the entire special up and we'll put a new one up every week from now on until this is over or until I run out of specials so we got maybe six weeks that being said when I get back in the clubs - all you staff to all the people that we work with every week that keep the audience lubed up that keep the tickets straight that handle dough pack in those clubs and then pack in another show in 30 minutes when this is over I'm gonna do one show week called last for the staff and any money we make on that show is gonna get divided up between the staff any other comments want to jump in on this now be awesome but you guys you know you make it work and you've made my life work for a long time so to all the staff all the clubs out there thank you that being said all you other people or run businesses that people you pay make you rich think about this try to do something for them okay you can only help where you can affect something comedy clubs is where I can affect something so to rescue industries and all you've CEOs and people out there maybe this isn't at a time to worry about protecting your ass you've been doing that a long time maybe this is a time to actually help protect the people that made you rich not that I'm rich but I've done pretty well I got a sign with my name on it behind me very good all right guys his love is evil - thanks [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] if you are in here tonight and you have never contemplated suicide then you have never truly been in love and if you're in here tonight you've never contemplated murder then you've never been divorced it is the worst thing I have ever been to in my life I would rather be the majority stockholder and a chain of Alec Baldwin daycare centers with Britney Spears as CEO man and here was my mistake after my last comedy special I said God give me a new idea for a new comedy special and Godwin you're getting divorced so turns out you got even more [ __ ] specific when you talk to God all right yeah don't just give God a blank slate let him run with that I filed for divorce on June 6th Oh six six six six yes which coincidentally turned my ex into a demon slithering from the fiery depths of Satan's anus but for legal reasons I have to call her Kate and I knew I knew things were weird I knew they were weird you know we were together 15 years and things started going kind of sideways 17 years ago because she had one of those families and if you're dating someone right now and you've met their family and their family is whacked and you think oh that's okay they're the good one then you are mentally ill okay cuz they're not the good one they're like a psycho tylenol gelcap man tick tock tick tock crazies coming her family irish-catholic autistic but not the happy special ones the real mean ones you know hey we're gonna fight they're gonna drink it with a drink at fight you want a fighting drink what what what what what what every neighborhood on the planet has a house like this on the block we've all driven past it a bunch of people living there too old to be kids but never gonna be adults you can tell that by the Aerosmith rocks banner in the living room window for sociopathic pitbulls roam in the yard at all times the brown one has one leg just flops to the fence every couple of hours you can tell the families double their net worth because they parked a new gutted Chevelle in the driveway the mailman is afraid to bring the mail so he just gives it to the cops cause he'll they're gonna be there anyway and if you don't recognize this house in your neighborhood you live in this house and your name [Applause] why do we stay with these people we've all done it we've all stayed with the nightmare why do we stay with these life sucking vampires man these soul-sucking the humps that just drag you through psychological bagua day after day and year after year to let the end of the relationship all that's left at you is an empty shell full of hate and fear by the way do not look at the person you are with right now it's a bad time to glance over I have to warn you about tonight's show tonight's show will fix your relationship or destroy it and either way you're welcome yes happy Valentine's Day there are some things I'm going to bring up later that you're gonna want to go [Applause] don't do it stay right here okay right here don't look at them why do we stay with these people we've all done it why you know why we stay because every one of us in our brain has that inner [ __ ] that little voice that tells you you're not good enough that you're never gonna be good enough that you're not good-looking enough you don't make enough money that little voice that little voice when you go I'm gonna ask for a raise because yeah well you're gonna get fired 80 go ahead ask for dummy mine's bad mom tonight my was like you're gonna do a comedy special you spell evil wrong idiot you idiot you're the idiot here's how bad my inner [ __ ] is if I'm in the freeway and the lane I'm in stops and I pull to the next Lane and that Lane stops my enemy tells you that was your fault the entire freeway is pissed off the youth right now I hope they pull you over and beat your ass idiot and the weird thing about that voice is none of us had it when we were kids we were just kids living life having a blast I'm gonna be an astronaut no I'm gonna drive an ice cream truck no I'm gonna drive an ice cream truck in outer space and then my dad saw that it was full of hope and joy and thought well that's not gonna work you little fruit you want to be an astronaut huh let's look at report card and see if that can happen hmm let's throw your grades into one word yeah [Applause] little spelling tests what are the words start with that fool feeble failure how about foster parents they'll buy me ice cream drunk and then my whole life my dad was just up my ass Little League Tim came in fifth should've came in first you're too slow you brought that team down you too fat you're too skinny you're too cocky shut up quit looking at me you're klutzy you're an idiot I was finally 18 and I said dad I'm moving out and I'm never gonna have to listen to your crap again as I hit the door a little voice went yeah but I'm coming with you for the rest of your life and by the way that was a very nice speech to your dad but you know you're gonna be back next week begging for canned goods and doing your laundry idiot so now I got this voice in my hand like getting relationship with these psychos man and I finally suck it up for years I finally get read you know what since I met you you've ruined my life I'm leaving right now and I never want to see you again I hit the door little voice cuz wait a minute if you leave right now a bigger loser is you are you're probably gonna be alone for the rest of your life take one last look at them maybe that's the best you ever gonna do and I know every time you fight she cut you but hey at least you got Glee healthcare at least until you get fired idiot I knew things are going bad you we all have hints we've had every time we relationship goes bad you have hints there was things like two years before we got divorced she got a boob job and gentlemen if you're dating a woman over five years and she decides she wants a boob job she ain't getting it for you she is putting fresh meat on a new hook that's all it is she is trolling for 88b that's right cuz you have not lived up to her financial expectations so she's gonna cast those double D's out into the dating pool [Music] in the two years before we got divorced my ex got new hair new eyes new boobs new lips I rebuilt this [ __ ] from the ground up man it was a frame-off restoration now some new guys driving her haha and I want to point something out about bhujette ladies if you're gonna get moved up for God's sakes I want to be clear I am NOT anti boob job as long as you don't use them for evil but don't get what you think men want cuz men don't want bigger is better we just don't we just don't want we own something that looks good on you don't go crazy my ex went insane man in my opinion she got she got boobs four sizes bigger than she should have if she was five feet taller than she already is she's five two got boobs to fit Shaquille O'Neal they had to modify her skeleton to hold him up I'm not making the strippers association filed a grievance ladies don't go too big no woman should stand up and cause wind shear and California is a no-fault state you split the assets down in the middle right well plastic surgery's an asset I want half the plastic surgery back and I don't want a cash settlement I want to leave court with a jar right then I want her walking out like the Elephant Man just a clump of hair missing one eyelid upper lip on Your Honor this is outrageous [Applause] she was seen two other guys I found out yeah one guy was 60 years old but he had 20 million dollars wow you bunch of [ __ ] really [Applause] ah [Applause] I have to admit when I heard 20 million I was like wow good job damn nice I'll tell you what he buys me a 0-6 Corvette I'll drop you off on Wednesdays but 60 I mean I got issues but 60 60 and how do you stay like focused in the bedroom when you're thinking they're gonna break a hip they're gonna break a hip they're gonna bring it out I mean I can see why you know he liked her I mean they just had a kid and you know she could wipe drool and change diaper so I get it bitter why do we stay with these life force killing ass nozzles why we have all done it we've all done it we all did it way too long except for my father my father refused my dad got divorced six times well he actually had divorce five times he wouldn't divorce a61 cuz he said he didn't want people to think he couldn't commit I don't want people not take me serious dad your last marriage was performed in Reno by an ordained lesbian Elvis impersonator who you hit on and everybody in this room everybody watching everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage and that cancer you took into every relationship after that everybody every woman in here got intimidated by a guy pushed around a little bit now your new boyfriend tickles you too hard restraining order every guy in here had a woman sleep with his best friend now your new girl hugs your cousin at Thanksgiving too long car bomb sorry dude I got a five-second rule and my father was destroyed early on ma'am I thought my father took no crap from him that's why I got divorced so many times woman to woman nothing it would do nothing hey Kenny I I gained two pounds really pack your crap and get your ass out of here right now lard ass well I lost the weight yeah well I gained two pounds pack your crap and get your ass out of here right now trying to kill me and these women like even if my dad flipped so hard that these women would be confused and they they'd be moving their stuff out of the house and half a dad stuff cuz California is a no-fault state and they'd always say the same thing to me ended by the remember I'm a little kid at this point I'm like eight they turned me go why is your father like that um have you met my mother because frankly she's a Batman villain after knowing my mom I'm surprised my dad didn't just roam the countryside killing hookers with a spoon showed up to my high school graduation in white thigh-high vinyl go-go boots and an army jacket so obviously there was something wrong or she was commander of the stripper battalion their entire relationship was built on the concrete foundation of sex and mental illness which my dad thought was I asked my dad if she was so nuts why did you stay with her he said son anybody can have a relationship but if you're with a woman who is so crazy in bed that if you're not wearing your Kevlar one night you may never see daylight that's exciting my mother shot and killed her last husband yeah my dad used to say hey dodged a bullet ha ha manic-depressive schizophrenic alcoholic my umbilical cord was a crazy straw but both my parents were little nuts just different levels of nuts you know my father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist my mother was on parole and lithium when they got married young too they remember my dad was in the National Guard my father fought for his country in the National Guard yes he did it thanks thank all right comment calm down he fought in the Watts Riots which means he defended liquor stores against rocks for a whole weekend one time but they were liquor stores so my dad was first meant in last man out my father was actually busted down from sergeant three times in the National Guard yeah it turns out you can't take your entire squad to the Holiday Inn pool and call it the mission he's militarily qualified to invade a Courtyard Marriott I asked him one time to tell me how is conceived you know you know why because I wanted one good story I don't have any good stories I have no romantic stories about my parents that don't end with this phrase so the cops finally cuffed the crazy [ __ ] I just wanted one you know cuz I wanted to see my dad getting nostalgic for a second cuz he wasn't that guy just seemed oh oh son gosh tonight we made you moonlight was shining up your mom's hair she wasn't hearing the voices I was sober ish instead he goes you really want to hear this alright just remembered you asked for it cuz I am not paying for therapy numbnuts so I come from the National Guard after summer camp I'm a private again turns out they don't like it when you throw up tequila shooters on the obstacle course yeah well put it in the manual douchebags so I get to our apartment I found all the furniture gone your mom gone I took the bank accounts totally empty so I checked the room for bodies wipe my fingerprints off the doorknobs and the phones and I get the hell out file for divorce three months later your mom called says she wants to see me one more time and son I go cuz your mom she was sexy she could do this thing with her leg and a nightstand dad don't make fun of circus people kid so we go over we start talking things get a little hot in heaven I realize all right I'm getting ready to drop the hog dad I don't even know what that means but please don't say it again what do you gain out what happened to you all right I'll clean it up for your tender sensibilities so I'm getting ready to do your mom and we start going at it just really great angry lovemaking but it's still your mom so I'm palming a blade and in the middle of it son I mean I'm knee-deep dad let me freakin finish alright in the middle of it who new boyfriend this little reporter guy she's dating starts banging on the front door neither why you doing this to me why are you doing this to me now I figure I could stop and get offended or I could get louder and become the offender so I start screaming as loud as I can that's a way you want a girl isn't it yeah that's what a real man feels like hey report this fruit cup here's a direct quote for the article and I finished up zip my shirt in my slide I walked the hell out of there as a walk past the front door he was standing there crying so I got to do your mom one last time then I made a new boyfriend cry it was a twofer three weeks later she called me said she was pregnant with you son you conceived during revenge sex wow that's just like the story of Christmas why do we stay with these disease-causing polyps why well then you know the real reason love all we want is love it's worth more than money or fame or an Aston Martin all we want is somebody we can fight with like crazy and then have the kind of makeup sex that makes your left side go numb I don't even know you're fighting can you make me an omelet somebody who'll go to court for you and lie somebody who makes you horny even after they have puked in your car somebody who can be with her 65 or 70 years of your life to let the end of the life you're sitting on that porch of the house you bought together and you're old wrinkly smelly and poop through a hole in your side and she's all wrinkly smelly and can't remember your name she just keeps calling you the nice man but you're still in love and you're holding hands and he's you gaze into each other's milky cataract sill the eyes your heart swell up explode and you both die that's all we want that's all we want [Music] and for that little evil drug love but we will suck it up with an idiot for years man you will stay with an idiot trying to change him making him better and you make it excuses the whole time man yeah no no no she's cool she's great with me I know if she would just stop sleep with my dad and my sister we'd be great it's coming it's coming it's coming I don't know he's not the same guy I used to know he stopped using the aluminum bat on me huh I hated that noise ting ting ting ting four years I took it for years for years we've all done it two years four years six years all of us and you know something the weird thing is you don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot you just don't death doesn't show up and go hey man I was gonna take you today but you're with that [ __ ] for like three years here's the coupon then we sucked it up and we take and you tried to change and we keep trying to do it you make them better it's gonna get better I'm just gonna suck it up for another year it'll be okay and you took it and you know what that's your life yet we go to Starbucks and they screw up your latte one time and you won't take that man [Applause] but rest up does that takes like an extra soy hot latte to you does it no damn right you're gonna make it again but you will suffer an idiot for years man I wish we had a relationship Starbucks because that's where you make it perfect you can get everything perfectly strawberries if we can just make a relationship one so you can walk in and go hi I'd like a new girl this time no jealousy and only half bipolar I just want a polar if that's okay jealousy the Auschwitz of emotions the relationship death camp I have been accused of sleeping with people I hadn't met yet I'm not making it up we were the thing one night we're dressing we're hanging out or just sit there when someone's jealous and you've been with him a while you don't have to look at him to know what happened you just be sitting there in your ears or pop and I feel her head turned [Music] now I got two voices in my head that little old man ah looks like a storms a comment my inner [ __ ] I'm going to the center I'm going to the cellar I can't do don't look in there so I figured all right all right I know what this I know where this is going I'm just gonna look here I'm not gonna look at her if I don't look at her I can't light the fuse on the fight so I'm just gonna stare but she just keeps staring at me and it starts to get uncomfortable cuz the side of my head starts to smoke don't you want me want you just do it right here you keep looking at her you keep talking to her while you just do right have its a parent-teacher conference [Applause] what the hell is wrong with you she asked me to go replace it with her go to the mall with her and I had to go to the Marx if I didn't go to the mall with her she'd be oh you calling your girlfriend I want to go you gonna call your girlfriend yes that's gonna happen so I could go to the mall with her because I didn't want her to be upset and I'm trying to find love so I go but he was my joyous time in the mall with her walkies the mall she's right next to me oh is that what you want to sell you look at her side in redheads I mean - I was just tall is that what your side look at her so you'll say look at her that you are you like those high heels I say you look at her and say look at her listen if I want to go to the mall look it's slightly overweight 14 year olds wearing Uggs I can drive myself in ladies if you're jealous and you're in the mall with your man and you think he's looking around I want to point something out to you if your man is in the mall with you he loves you [Applause] [Music] he is not thinking about other women you know what he's second man I wish I was doing something productive like cleaning out the gutters or coming up with a life goal or inventing a car that runs on shattered dreams and lost faith in myself but instead I'm Smeagol the mall minion sidekick to Prince's jealousy and her credit card of hate and one more thing ladies if you're jealous and you're walking through the mall with you man and you start pointing out hot chicks and he looks that's on you at that point you're just our wingman and that goes for guys too if you're that dude did you look at that guy and she goes you mean the guy that looks like he makes more money than you no but thanks for the assist jealousy is death man I don't even get so bad like we go to the odd go tomorrow and I have to stop before we go in and get ready I'd be in the parking lot like okay Paden loosen up cuz I knew would have to lock my neck for the next three hours cuz she was like a cold roof I moved my head please look at wait so I would walk to the ball like this and God forbid somebody hot walk into my vision because then I was screwed oh god she's hot look over here the girl just Cinnabon she's kind of hollow come here ah it's a hot mannequin wearing a bikini turn around it's a UPS guy wearing shorts look at the ground it's a high heels [Applause] cuz I wanted love you know but if it makes her better I'll gouge my own eyes out you know unless you can't be jealous anymore but I know what happened I'd douse my eyes out and then I'd be tapping my ass through the mall the next year you smelled that [ __ ] didn't you [Applause] crazy makes you crazy when you're with someone crazy they make you crazy keep looking at me because crazy people know they're crazy I this girl she started editing out my friends and family because she knew they were watching and their brains weren't fogged by sex so she would just like be like we'd have this family gathering and then they leave and she's someone you know your buddies Tom and Steve I don't really wanna kind of responsible really one of my I knew dad it's kind of a jerk to me and your sister was the best of me Thanksgiving you know so after three years I couldn't move because I really didn't know anybody who owned a truck I have to live with you for the rest of my life now another girl randomly punched me she would just punch me like if we got a little argument in her her response was packed by any measure of the Geneva Convention the crap dis chick did to me she should be up on war crimes at Gitmo right now but by the end of the argument she would do some heinous and then we'd argue and then I would apologize to her and it started to feel weird I started talking to my friends hey guys who's what happened like I woke up at 3 o'clock last night and she was sitting on me just popping me in the temple right so we talked about and then today I went out and got her flowers my friends would always say something like dude can you come my voicemail and say that exact thing so I can play it back for you then she found out I was talking to my friends about our relationship oh it was like I sold nuclear secrets to North Korea at that point but do you mean you're talking about our relationship sit down you had no business discussing our business that was our business what business was a diffuse to know our business oh yeah we we we we were just in the car talking because he he had to drive me home from the emergency room because I had to get those stitches where you stab me it's always about you isn't it I got stabbed I got I mean no no no it's kind of about you too okay cuz you stab me huh also now you points the finger you stab me you stab me your style but let me ask you this question what did you do to get stats I'm not running around stabbing everybody Emma I'm not the crazy stab a person I did not stab those [ __ ] in the morning or looking at either No so instead of taking no responsibility when pointing the finger at me and by the way when you do that there are three pointing back at you instead of that maybe you could take a minute and ask yourselves this question what did I do to get that okay well I was running away from you coz you had that knife and then you were screaming I'm going to stab you and then I got to the front door which you had locked and when I turned around you stabbed me yes that's what happened but who left their keys on the table so they could not unlock the door I'm so sorry I made you stabbing I deserve it I deserve it I deserve it crazy makes you crazy and you have to have the Armageddon fight the Ground Zero fight you know guys that fight we're at Home Depot the next day going I need two bathroom doors is this all the spackle you have that no-holds-barred fight we all get to that crazy place man what's uh in people that say this and crack me up our relationship ended fine you lying bastards really no relationship ends fine the only reason you say ended fine was because whatever they did to each other in that last fight they could still be prosecuted statute of limitations has not run out yet the story I'm about to tell you there's no resemblance to anyone living or dead no matter what my ex's attorney may say and I want you to know this is my side of the story if you want to go see her side of the story when she writes a funny little show and builds a big freakin set you go and see her too okay and one more thing I want to be clear about I know who I am I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy Center of raging arrogant a-hole I got it he's an idiot but amazingly self-aware but when a relationship is going bad there are signs people start acting different she was talking to me different hey Helen what do you think of this shirt I think that shirt is suck the joy from my life and enslaved me in a loveless marriage do the pants give you hope and she was sleeping with our kids one that she was sleeping with me which is just a bizarre conversation to have I see everything we brought up I smell creepy you know yeah what do they give you that I don't it was just odd so I finally got mad after pretend when I walked I said listen I said We Need to Talk I don't know what's going on we married a long time we're gonna work this out I want to talk about it she said no I don't want to talk about it and she was with the kids they I said no we're talking about it tonight and she said it went too and I thought something's wrong so I picked her up and on the bride across the threshold way again carry away from the kids put in another room and I on the bed I said listen we need to talk and at that point my daughter comes running and Danny Bobby don't fight don't fight and I did not want my daughter to see us fight I remember watching my mom and dad fight you know my dad hole in the chair my mom swinging the ax so I put her back in a room when I close the door my ex runs behind me into the kitchen I hear this crash and I don't look the hell happen I run into the kitchen and she's got a knife this long and she's going and I think we skip some levels [Music] and here's the situation she's 5 - I'm 6 - I all where'd that by double when I trained martial arts for a long time so my first thought was well I'm in Lord of the Rings fighting a hobbit so I took the knife away I put it on the ground and said listen we need to talk yeah which is the perfect response to somebody pulling a knife on you you're gonna be very helpful in the alley captain negotiation at that point my daughter comes running out again daddy mommy don't fight now I'm feeling horrible and my daughter and I've even reading these dr. Seuss books so I was trying to take the edge off it so I tried to rhyme it like honey go back in your room read a book turn the page where mommy and daddy's psychotically rage go come on at that point my ex jumps on my back and not gonna give me a piggyback way inside smaller blade I'm Way out of limbs so I grab my hand grab a bud I carry down the stairs I put her on the couch and I go left We Need to Talk yes young stupid you doesn't it now yeah and she stood up and went I wish you would kill yourself like your mother and your sister dead grumpy right and that was that switch moment you know that switch moment I looked at I was like wow did you just say that because if that's what you said then you are not my ice cream truck and I don't feel like an astronaut because this is definitely not out of space and what upstairs and I went to bed yeah again the perfect response to somebody wishing you were dead and pulling a knife on you now you're safe under the ballistic protection of the down comforter dead man sleeping but she didn't kill me get up the next morning meet in the kitchen we kind of have this weird tense to talk and we work it out crazy we go to dinner every night that week we talk about it we work it out she drops me off at the airport to my next gig the next Friday I love you I love you I get to my gig in Texas tried to call talk to the kids nobody there I tried to call her phone nobody there so we had had identity theft a year earlier a bunch of money had disappeared [Music] turns out I knew the person's identity they had pulled a knife on me recently and I had changed all the email accounts and I'd given her her password and she hadn't changed it so on a lark I went in and I wish I hadn't because I found an email that was sent the night before it was to her old boyfriend about her new boyfriend and the email said that the guy was in my house with my kids at 11:30 the night before in the email was sent at 5:04 in the morning and I have a show to do in an hour in five minutes yeah they see how funny you really are bastard come on I don't remember the first row I got a stage got off stage went to the greenroom at the comedy club and I was like wow 15 years of marriage I'm gonna kill myself like my mother my sister did and I started looking for a gun cuz I was in Texas I figured there's gonna be a gun but that's the mood I was in I was like you know what doesn't matter fifteen years God okay so you know everything you gather money in the houses and the kids in the hot rod I need a good lawyer so I went to the Yellow Pages cuz you're a genius I filed for divorce and I filed ex-parte and I filed a restraining order I went to court that next Monday and I was righteous I walked into court like a superhero Your Honor I no longer want to be married to the thieving harlot I knew I was right she got in front of the judgment Your Honor this man has beaten me for the last 20 years and beaten the children since the day they were born and it turns out it's not a defense in California Court not legal now why would a woman say that why would anybody say that if it didn't happen let me explain something about no-fault states this is also for Alec Baldwin a no-fault state everything is 50/50 no matter what you could literally walk in on the one you married doing a monkey and it's still 50/50 the monkey might get a chunk I don't know that didn't relate to my case fifty-fifty unless somebody claims domestic violence and then after the hearing if the judge believes it at all it's up to the judges discretion to give up to 100 percent of the marital assets and custody of the children to the damaged party and the only thing that ever made me wanna be a wife beater it's being called one your honor can I have five minutes to make her not a liar please [Applause] [Music] how about you just blink really long we were still in court two and a half years and after this show we're you know it's kids involved too that's the weird thing is like if you've been through a bad divorce or if you were a kid in a divorce and the parents weren't getting along and a normal divorce of people getting along it's fine I'm gonna pick the kids if I can see your money okay don't be late all right great in a bad divorce picking up the kids is like a hostage transfer every week it's not cool at all I mean I call all the way above 300 clicks from the house I will be in front of you at 3:00 - what I have a visual I have a visual I have a visual all right please walk to the gate all right stop take the kids back at the house and take off that crap you make them where I put all the cool stuff that I like up to where I'll be like three seconds one two all right come out I walk to the gate stop back up ten steps all right I'm dropping the alimony check on the driveway kids doors to the car open go it's tough on a man but divorce is just about change you know it's God saying you need a change now I'm gonna make it so your bank account only has change most expensive thing and I have three lawyers paying for her Laura my Laura and our children were assigned children's counsel they have a lawyer do not give a six-year-old that kind of power hey babe you order will clean your room dad I've talked to my attorney and there's the hearing on Wednesdays inside with my room is there it's not dirty now could you move you're violating my rights I'm trying to watch Hannah Montana yeah a lot of people tell me this - don't worry about it it's God's will you know you weren't meant to be together God's will you know twenty really God's will really got involved in this really twenty years with somebody twenty years my life pretty much gone all the money I made the career I chose pretty much torn to pieces to little kid's life shattered really God is that how you work this brutal disemboweling nightmare is you because if that's the case then there is no God and God said unto me Christopher I did this so you could meet a 29 year old five foot eleven diesel jeans model who has two college degrees and already paid for her own boob job [Applause] how shall I serve the Lord I got my Starbucks order read its its lyrics I didn't know I was gonna meet him like you've so unexpected it's like I wouldn't start I like to get a new girl oh god I don't know what I want yeah I know I should have thought about it before I got in line shut up okay I like like at all extra-hot Oh shot a mocha Oh [Laughter] nonfat now that just pisses some people off but let's say you're in a relationship you love right now and you're thinking how come it's not as sexy as it used to be how come it's not as hot as it used to be you have to be honest with yourself and so did I ask yourself this question am i within 5% of our first date wait now you can get mad at that joke or you can get a treadmill up to you you want it to work but this girl she's she's amazing she's 20% american-indian shot a mocha bad and she can track elk I'm not saying I'm gonna use that but it's a bonus but she is so far out of my league and looks and so far out of my league in brains my inner [ __ ] had a stroke I can't believe she's even talking to us man no here's my point is my point is my boiler and I look in the mirror that's you doing it dude you gonna do again her you yeah she's doing community service right now that's what it is Daniel yeah she's working up a drunk-driving tikkun going out with you that's when it's got to be amazing she's great she's like I've never met somebody like it she's younger than me which is weird yeah she's 29 and I'm not but I don't think age really makes a different relationship you know we fight like anybody else when I'm buckling her in her car seat she gets all fussy then I gotta go use your ward use your water till [ __ ] work she hates those jokes she gets very angry and then I give her a timeout she's amazing she's from from a good family too which I never had before that's that's weird for me like her family is really good I've never had that this is the only time in my life my in a [ __ ] and I really agreed on something because my in a retirement I'm he's like hmm they support each other with lovingkindness back away slow this is it real here's what I'm a nice person she is we date twice if she goes you gotta meet my father am I wearing a varsity jacket right now you get on my grown man right meet your father really I got to meet your father I've made my bones in this world meet your dad I'll tell you what here's my resume you tell your dad he can meet me then I find out her dad is a Purple Heart decorated Vietnam veteran Marine pilot and I'm not so I'm gonna meet him whether I want to or not but on his terms it's gonna be ugly you know I'm just gonna disappear for 24 hours then a vans gonna whip past her house at 100 miles an hour throw me out the door just naked and crying we have to break up you wouldn't want me now anyway [Laughter] so I agree to meet her dad but I don't want to cuz he's 65 he's still a badass she's a human Vee he still flies corporate jets he's like beating all these young pilots he's a baby this guy could kill me with a napkin he's out of his mind in a good way though like somebody we all want to be and I don't even want to shake his hand cuz what if he hits a pressure point my heart just goes so I pick him a Mexican restaurant I figured two white boys in a Mexican restaurant neutral ground and I'm freakin I'm full of anxiety cuz I'm just thinking at any moment I'm just gonna go I'm doing your daughter you know just a minor retires like man you're gonna say something stupid I can't wait thank you before you say some pseudo do me a favor stick your finger in that guacamole and write her a goodbye note because that's the last time you're gonna be able to say anything to her idiot but I'm like I got this I'm cool all right I'm a man I can handle this we got chips and guacamole and waiting the chips and guacamole and everything's going well it's man talk then I go watch it in Vietnam oh there it is right there yeah yeah he's good too want to relive that then after that you can ask about this prostate cancer scare and I don't think I said anything wrong until I say Vietnam and the dude he stops mid chip he's got a chip okok come on he goes so you want to hear about the Nam huh chip all right I tell you bout the day I got the Purple Heart so command tells us we got 12 guys pinned down upriver but Charlie knows we're coming so they send in four Birds low and fast and we hit the LZ and all hell breaks loose and at this point I don't know if he's telling me a story or he's there like I'm trying not to move I'm making my eyes extra round Oh beauty [Music] for and he's eating chips and just telling me this story it's a rough story visa so Tracy struck on a bullets start flying a grenade blows up under the chopper blew it right in half blew me through the instrument panel I fell a hundred feet to the deck it hurt now why don't you tell me let's Tory about yourself I don't even play Halo what am I gonna say to this guy man I got nothing you know but I'm an actor and I don't want to keep tonight on a punk out for my girls so I gave him a best shot I'm like all right you ever been to a little town called Santa Monica one day I was skateboarding in this half pipe down and I was on a board towards an inline skate and I'm not a fruit there was about eight inches of bird on this ramp right which is no big deal I'm going I'm doing it but some kid is full of coke on the rail earlier that day so I go over to do a 50-50 grind on my trucks hit the coke it stopped and I shot off the end of the rail when I hit the ground I tweaked my wrist it hurt too and I know I've made no impression because he got polite after that interesting you're a skateboarder could I get into the mojito so I know the guy thinks I'm a douche so I follow him out to the parking lot after lunch to try my last-ditch effort I meet him at his car I go sir I want you to know as long as your daughter's with me I'm gonna take care of her and this is a war hero stops at his running car puts his arm on the roof and he goes well if you don't take care of her one shot one kill [Applause] and then her brother goes and if you run you're gonna die tired ha I have never gone out with a girl from a good family ever I always dated women like my mom hey by the way any other woman I dated in my life if their family came after me I could just go it's crystal meth go and they take off running [Applause] but this girl her dad's a Vietnam veteran her mother's got a master's degree in fine arts her sister is a journalist and fitness expert in New Orleans and her brother it's a federal agent yeah so I pissed this family off you're just gonna see it on CNN hi Wolf Blitzer for CNN comedian Christopher Titus who disappeared three months ago was found today his body spread across four states federal agents are baffled [Applause] [Music] so I do a show in New Mexico and he comes to see the show and after the show walks up to me he just goes they're not gonna find you [Applause] they say weird it's weird for me cuz I hadn't dated anybody in 20 years my ex and I never cheated on her not once and I did this for a living and there was a lot of chuckle [ __ ] to be had but I didn't want to be my dad you know so I was true when I stayed and then it happened didn't so when I when I left my accident I didn't know how to even talk to women anymore because it's cool if your was something a long time as cool as you were and you met them that's as cool as you stayed you didn't have to get any better I still had a piano key tie in my closet when I thought we'd go out dancing and wake me [Applause] so I'm out of my league on dating so I asked her on our first date and I had first date arm really bad ladies on a first date with you he will drive with this hand we'll put this hand on the console and flex it as hard as we possibly can in case you brush up against us oh my god he's spun steel yes I am picked a restaurant out in Malibu like 30 miles away we got stuck in traffic on Armas flex for an hour and 45 minutes I get out of the car at valet it looked like I had an aneurysm she doesn't say anything and I think I'm pulling it off but I literally might over I did I couldn't move him my shoulder was jacked everything's fine until the check comes check homes and I think so I asked her if she wants to go back to my place and she said yes and I couldn't believe it I know me neither so we're back at my place again out of my element for 20 years but I got my arm around her and I'm kissing her and I get to this place where I'm stopped so I go to my move my 20 year old move which turns out is no longer a move it has been significantly downgraded to misdemeanor when I calm my arm 4-under and I'm kissing her ear I'm this close to here and I go [Laughter] the left or the women tells me that I'm lame and I continued to be laying for 20 years cuz no woman ever told me I was laying what is it why didn't any girl I ever dated tell me I was lame was it so I didn't get better for the next girl or was it so they could go to lunch with their friends next to him oh my god it on it had he got this idea guys it was at this summit a humidifier in my cerebral cortex had a mosquito living in my I was so human that pisses me off and I'll tell you why as a man talking to women all I want to know is what you want and that pisses me off that you don't tell us that's why we don't get along sometimes so tonight I'm gonna tell you women some things that men hate about you and the reason I am Telling You is because your man wants to tell you but he knows there's gonna be a fight so the next time it comes up he can just look at you and go Titus we cannot stand how emotional you are and I don't mean that time of the month emotional cuz I hate comics to talk about that I mean all month every month from the beginning of time okay from the time the first amphibian crawled from the primordial ooze onto dry land and he didn't crawl out on the pond because he wanted to evolve he used to know what the [ __ ] she was talking about underwater right he was like you know what I'm just gonna go upstairs and grow some lungs and some arms because frankly I can't figure this out right now and it's a lot easier to become another species than talk to you cuz that's what it is wait you're on you guys are at the most illogical species I've ever met in my life because I'm a man men are men and men I'm just really simple ABCD every woman I've ever met ABF parentheses circle yellow sky playing far funny kitten but I have never I have never had a conversation with a man that went like this hey man what restaurant do you want to go to I am NOT my father we're afraid to have dinner with your family not the men in your family because all men have a douche bag tests it's pretty much the same across different if you we meet because we can get on with any guys cuz if guy walks up let's say guy walks up and he's wearing the goofiest shoes you've ever seen Crocs maybe [Applause] and he has a tie on but if you're supposed to hang out with a guy for a family Denis walks up and you go with the shoes if he goes these are my favorite shoes douche bag but if he goes these shoes I'm gonna wear these long as you wear that shirt brother that's the douchebag that every man has it he will be well I'll use it yes and we don't get that close to any guys we know all of them but you know it were over over a bros every woman has a member of their family that she's too close to it's your aunt or your sister or your mom and they're cool to us when you're there but when you leave the room they threaten our lives and sometimes it's grandma and that's the weird one cuz you're just having a good day you're just sitting there you know grandma's been cool all day and then you go to the bathroom and Grandpa George does it goes you're not half good enough for her you know that and if you heard I'm gonna make my special soup that's gonna put you in a coma for four days then I'm gonna bury under the house cover your body in lye so when you wake up you're going to be dissolving did you try the Apple brown Betty and the number-one thing that men hate capri pants [Applause] cuz it's so opposite of what we love about you II love how good you want to look for us but who did the Jedi mind trick on you women when it comes to capri pants he's like a piece of clothing the next you ask the quieter your legs look shorter and your feet look bigger what do you think it shows up that sexy veiny ankle areas how was your day nothing sexier than my chick looking like Gilligan thank you and guys if she's wearing them right now you have every right to call her huckleberry till she takes them off and then you top it off with a pair of wedge cork flip-flops you know what men love about cork shoes we can take the pushpin stick a note right on hey beautiful don't ever wear this [ __ ] again xoxoxo and if you're a man wearing capri pants you need to take your guy cut out of your wallet and pass it forward [Applause] then on the way home I want you to buy a tuba vagisil a BW convertible and have your boyfriend drive you the rest of the way home because you are dismissed ladies I will make you a deal if you will stop wearing these fashion abortions called capri pants and that's what they are they're just pants that didn't go full-term they're just preemie pants that's all it is if you will never again put on another pair of these and instead shave from here up do you think we're idiots if you'll never wear them again every man in here will never again put on another pair of tighty whities now I know there's some reticence from you gentlemen well that's tradition my friend I've got my dad's on right now but I had a little incident with my girl because I was a big fan of the TW you could laugh ladies but you don't know what it's like to get a freshly bleached load out of that dryer and you go sit in front of SportsCenter and you fold them up into tiny little squares like giant Chiclets then you take them into that bedroom and you put them in that dresser all perfect and white and you close that drawer like it's Christmas Eve because you know when you get up the next morning you gonna pop that drawer but with my new girl and I came out of the bathroom one night after freshening up 11 o'clock to get into bed and I had a nice pair on two little creases in them little red white and blue racing stripe push snap and I walked into the room and she saw me in the room when cold she literally looked at me and rolled over and I go what the hell is the problem when you come out of the bathroom looking like that wearing those it's like I'm making love to a mutant four-year-old [Applause] so anyway I go hey now that's not the whole move so then my arm around her still kissing her here's the rest of the move so this close to here and I go tell me what you like I didn't know I didn't know my son like a creepy serial killer I didn't know I didn't know she was thinking I better answer this right or gonna have to identify me with dental records I didn't know no woman had ever told me here's how smart and funny my girlfriend is instead of laughing in my face like you women did she backs away and goes what do I like I like it when a guy takes his throbbing member and sticks it in my eye [Applause] and my first thought was I haven't dated in 20 years I wanted to go to the Internet and google it and then my editors like wait a minute she's making fun of you in the middle of an intensive romantic sexual moment she decided to rip you a new one I loved his girl she taught me a lot she taught me something I didn't know but 20 I didn't know once in my life she took here's something she taught me that women don't want you to try to be cool they wish you were a lot cooler than you were she's told me that but they don't want you to try to be any cooler than you are the only time I've made myself look like a raging ass in front of this girl is when I tried to be cool so this just happened to worry about a month and half together that really sexy lusty time where it's just sex and food late night one night we got thirty candles lit in the shape of a heart around the bag oh yeah music playing couple glasses of wine and it's great food she's laying bet in front of me half naked I'm standing to end in the bed and I think I look pretty good exhaust 28 pounds of my divorce cuz well that's what a soul weighs [Applause] and it was one of those moments where I was feeling super cool because this girl is beautiful she wants me we're staring each other just electricity going back and forth and and I think I look so cool as I go to take my t-shirt off in front of her I hear porn music in my head and I start worrying she's staring up like she wants me so I'm like yeah [Applause] and I take my shirt off and I stick my hand in the ceiling fan over the bag [Applause] well I heard a lot in it you actually bleeding it nice job oh she's laughing her ass ah dude you are done for tonight my friend yes you might go blew the candles out put the hog away cuz he's over no she fell off the bed look at that you said that's the bed yep while she's laying there gasping he must've grabbed her bud all right yeah yeah that's a hundred percent right there all right in an intense century romantic moment I stuck my hand in a spinning fan blade and this was Shreveport Louisiana in August it wasn't it wasn't goin swap swap swap it was on turboprop and the scene is this the most romantic moment I've ever been in music playing why beautiful to hunt people looking at each other and hears the noise that messed it up [Applause] and my first thought was cuz I'm a guy and she's laying there in front of me it was something sexy oh and my first thought was I can make this work then the pain hit and I dropped but how cool would I have to be to actually pull that off to come back from that deficit what would I possibly what could I possibly have done [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] you know that's how I like it now I want you to open that I why [Applause] pathetic that's not the worst story we live together now and I have found my great love I know that because she asked me to do crap I hate to do and I do it gladly do dishes yeah maybe you'll make dinner sure I'm on it only wash your car whatever you want clean the toilets I'm here you know why because I love you I'm happy and I'm whipped so she asked me to make your bed one night oh my god I make the bed but I make the bed like a damn man makes a bed I tuck it in four feet all the way around I got a staple gun Kapow Kapow it's me cuz I only want to make it once every fiscal year but when you're making bet with that kind of expertise you have a tendency to short-sheet it a tad and she's 511 so she couldn't bed that night and the she came up to her hip she's like I can't get what did you do my kid and I was wrapped around behind it how much your head is right here and I said hey baby calm down I got this for you and I grabbed the sheet and I go and my hand slipped and I punched her in the face [Applause] I have no words for this one I frankly believe you have outdone yourself here my friend that was extraordinary you have definitely skipped some levels I wish I could call everybody else's in the [ __ ] right now and brag about you [Applause] you better wake her up we go well while she's passed out you might as well grab her blood all right yeah that's some hot business right there okay all right that's not the worst story yeah you don't know I'm that guy dude this story happened on a very sad day for me I'd come in from the backyard after setting a trash can full of tighty-whities ablaze but the good news is I'm opening up 12 new boxes of underwear and their underwear in their own single box no three pack with a rubber band these are the badass box or the picture of a dude on the front that makes me really uncomfortable and I've taken those out of the box and put in the door ting map put him in the drawer oficina put in the door put Mike get down the last pair I take him out of the box and I put him right on and she goes whoa aren't you gonna wash him first they will never be this clean again [Applause] these underwear are very stylish tit got seams and crap in them and you know me like well you know they it seems and stuff on and she I could they're not my taste really but she she says they said she makes her think I'm sexy and if it makes me look sexy to her I'd wear whatever a clown wig and not see boots yevo let's go whatever let's go so I got him on and they're feeling weird I put them on not used to it and they're just kind of a bunch of they're just weird you know I'm not used to it I just and then I want a sudden sudden start tugging on one of my backup singers [Applause] [Applause] but but she likes some something and I I'm just gonna ride this out you know I'm gonna man up and be a cowboy I got this okay okay and it was it was weird go away for a little while you know it was like it was like a toothache and we just go away I'd forget about it and I'd be in the bank and you're like hey hey sure you okay yeah I'm good I'm all right I'm all right I'm all right and this goes on an all day and I can't figure out so I go home that night but I'm gonna write it up for her so go that night we gettin better go hey baby Jimmy's here can you check down there cuz something is just pulled on me I don't know what it is and my girlfriend has no diplomacy she's gonna laugh at you she's not just gonna laugh at you just gonna laughing point if she was negotiating for the US we would be nuked by Canada cuz humiliation is her game so she looks down and she goes ah my first thought is something crawled up inside of me and I go what she goes what look at man so she reaches it and fast I took my hex I know what's gonna happen and I hear this noise Shh but she pulls her finger back and there's a sticker that says inspected by number 31 which is kind of funny I get it but she can't breathe she's shaking like this and I'm going when she goes what what [Music] they passed [Applause] cool I am NOT yes now what's great about this girl is I found somebody who I can laugh with even we fight we end up laughing in my old relationship here's how that I exact story would have ended 31 and if you're with that person right now don't look but if you weren't the person who when you're home after work and you hear their car pulling the driveway in the second you hear your anus involuntarily slams shut cuz you know there's gonna be a fight you don't know why you just know six thirteen if you're sitting into the person right now in a weird cell phone number pops up on yourself on a number you don't even know you know that the next five days of your life is gonna be spent arguing that you are not sleeping with the t-mobile [ __ ] if you're sitting next to that person right now I want you to get up in about a minute and a half and say I gotta go to the bathroom then I want you to grab your stuff get in your car and drive away leave them with the check and your furniture and just get on with your life and be happy because you don't get a rebate and if you're sitting there right now where the person next you couldn't get up in a minute and a half you get one shot tonight you take them home you go a foot massage you form a glass of wine you sex I'm like the never been sex and you make them breakfast in the morning because you got some crap to make up for now you can look because I am the Martin Luther King of love in here tonight people because guess what I have found my ice cream truck every day whether is a day in outer space I have a dream because I lived a nightmare and you can be happy I proved it because there's three billion men out there there's three billion women out there and if you're bisexual you have no excuse to not be happy thank you people goodnight [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] you

Channel: christophertitustv

Views: 960,969

Rating: 4.8843441 out of 5

Keywords: Christopher Titus, Comedy Special, Standup Comedy, Standup Comedy Special, Full Standup Special

Id: xHyBMmhvsqo

Length: 86min 9sec (5169 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 17 2020