The Real Reason Your Parents Are Cheap. Chris Young - Full Special

yeah people we did not have ice cream at home my parents are getting older they're doing older crazy parent things my dad he was one of the cheapest guys i know anyone here have a cheap parrot yeah all right all right to be fair to be fair my dad was kinda cheap he was the kind of cheap that when i used to say hey dad can we stop for ice cream after little league baseball would say we don't need to stop for ice cream we have ice cream at home yeah people we did not have ice cream at home what we had was we had an old refrigerator that froze the milk on the [Applause] couch if you throw in some nestle quick boy and chip at it with the hammer you'll have ice cream my dad he's in his 70s though in his 70s he went out and bought a 68 000 lincoln yeah yeah he paid cash for it so now i know why we couldn't stop for ice cream all those years thank you [Applause] cool that's cool yeah no my dad like i said he's in his 70s and you know what those lincolns are these great big behemoths of a vehicle they got this big screen tv in the dashboard they got a camera on the back and i said well that's great dad now you can watch all the stuff you're gonna back over he did it too i knew it was coming we're sitting at my parents house at christmas dinner my dad eats like he always does real fast he jumps up he goes running out to the garage i hear this truck fire up and the next sound that i heard was crunch crunch crunch yeah i went running out to the garage and i looked and there underneath the axle of this truck was the brand new barbie big wheel power wheel thing that he'd just bought his granddaughter for christmas yeah i said dad did you not just see that big wheel power wheel thing on that big screen tv inside your dashboard and he goes well well yeah but you know me i don't believe everything i see on tv that was a long way to go for a joke ma'am and you shook your head but that's okay he clapped so i like him better than you right now but you can come around we'll get to that in a minute right i still like her but she's got on the curve we're grading that way right now i'm excited i'm in utah man i did something in utah i've always wanted to do i saw the mormon tabernacle choir sing right aren't they awesome [Applause] yeah they are amazing amazing voices i do not have an amazing voice as a matter of fact i don't even sing in church people ask me chris why don't you sing in church i said not only do i not sing well but every time i find my place in the hymnal it says refrain thank you my mom likes that joke no this is great he said my name is chris young and i do come to you from that place in michigan none of us want to end up right go go lions nobody wants to go lions right it's okay sir you tell me to go there that's on my way home it's fine start things off i am a parent do we have any parents in the audience cool there's like 180 people here and nine people will admit to their kids on a saturday night they're like we paid for the sitter dude you're here to make us laugh do it right now i have kids this was a long winter in the midwest in the midwest i know we get snow out here and things like that snow's awesome but in the midwest we had like 4 000 snow days i'm not kidding every day was a snow day right sir yeah after about 30 of them because i work in schools too i said to my kids i told my daughter he said you know honey dad loves you he will always love you but i think it's time that you and i start seeing some other kids [Laughter] it's okay right they're there too school oh i'm a parent i have kids but i have parents how many people in here have parents 15 this time 15 will admit to their parents they're going dude it is not sunday yet we don't have to go pick them up take them to church take them out to eat at bob evans then get them back before jeopardy or something comes on right yeah i don't know i have parents they're getting older and i love my parents to death so don't get me wrong i they i cleared this with them they said i could make as much fun of them as i want as long as it gets them a better nursing home someday yeah people i am not in vegas i am in provo utah tonight so unless they don't like sleeping in a minivan they better get to stepping no my parents though they're getting older they're doing the older parent things right anyone have older parents that you're worried about you people yeah yeah we have this attorney and he comes he goes you know mr young he goes i don't want to scare you but you are now the executor on their will say something happens to him you're going to be the one that gets the call from the hospital or say the police and i am and i said police obviously you've seen my parents sir but i had that mom i had that mom she told me she'd say you know christopher i don't care what you're doing who you're doing it with as long as you are safe and as long as you never call me from jail because i am going to pretend like i don't know who you are yeah that's redeeming isn't it thanks mom right well people i lived up to my end of the bargain i never went to jail now one night at college my roommate who couldn't run as fast as me he he went to jail [Music] when i said cops and he said what that was too long of a time not to start running you guys are great already man that's awesome thank you so anyways i am sitting at home on a rare friday night where i don't have a show i'm sitting at home and my phone rings it says ring ring ring ring wayne county sheriff's department and i'm sitting there thinking who could this be this can't be my wife she's home with me tonight she's not out with her boyfriend [Laughter] [Music] long as she pays her half of the mortgage sir i don't question you guys are making me laugh thank you thank you great great man so i pick up the phone and i hear hello mr young this is officer johnson here with the wayne county sheriff's department i have your mom here and i am thinking mom officer i don't have a mom quick [Music] 20 seconds later that phone rings again ring ring ring ring wayne county sheriff's department i pick up the phone and i hear mr young this is officer johnson yeah with the wayne county sheriff's department uh your mother tells me you're a comedian i don't think you're as funny right now as you do and i hear my mom across the table going i told him don't quit his day job he isn't funny he goes mr young i have your mom here tonight and he goes i would like to get rid of her and i am thinking now officer you are the one speaking my language man i'm the executor you have a gun and taser dude let's make this happen thank you wow [Applause] man i don't know if you guys can see this up here but these lights are hot i feel like i'm on one of those rotisseries you see in a restaurant start turning evenly right if i start to catch on fire up here sir you're going to let me know he's shaking his head going oh yeah yeah yeah sure he will they'll say i'll start to catch on fire and they'll say what happened on saturday night at the dry bar tape and he goes i don't know but some fat dude caught on fire on stage now that was worth the price of admission right there they're clapping for me catching on fire that's what they're doing jokes no but if he's going to catch on fire we will clap cool man this is great now my dad he's doing crazy things i'm even more concerned about my mom and i warned you about her since my mom has retired my mom has now joined a gang no my mom's joined a gang she now has a silk jacket it's got letters on the cross all across the back of it she's got a great big gold and silver emblem on the back of her car that says something like aarp yo yeah and i don't know what the motto of the aarp is but i'm sure it's something like we're old we're bold we will not stand our coffee cold yeah yeah we're rich and now we go to florida during the winter to spend our kids inheritance yeah that's a lot more funny to those people right now than it really is to me but my parents in the last couple of years they kind of became full-time snowbirds you guys know what the definition of a snowbird is don't you it's someone that moves from a cold climate to a warm climate doing the excuse me during the winter time only to call back up here and ask me what the weather's like is it true sir i get that call it's about 6 40 every morning it's always ring ring ring ring and it says sarasota florida and i got to pick the phone up because this might be the day i get to cash that inheritance in yeah and i always say something stupid i say cash call from florida and it's always my mom no no no idiot still not funny don't quit your day job go to work it's just your mom i'm calling to see what the weather's like in michigan today i said what's the weather like in michigan mom you guys still have that big screen tv down there in your condo yeah and you still watch the weather channel from like four in the morning till midnight every night yes so about every 15 minutes you're gonna get to know what the weather's like here in michigan you see that big swath of pink and white and blue covering the whole mitten state that should just say crap yeah that's what the weather's gonna be like for the next three or four months that is why you laughed but i'm stupid i always say this i say you don't want to know the answer chris you don't want to know the answer but i'm just being nice and i say so what's the weather like in florida and she goes oh oh it got cold down here last night it got down into the 40s your dad turned the heat on i wore my long nightgown and i wore socks to bed yeah i said thank you mom for telling me where your long night gown to bed because that time you or your short night down to breakfast i still need therapy for that cool you don't have to applaud for that someone's got to do some ironing that's all i got to say man this is awesome it's fun not my parents my parents they're getting older and these people now that i became a parent myself they came these super evil villains called grandparents right the kind of people that never did anything wrong now they want to give me parenting advice yeah people look at me these aren't people that should be giving anyone any advice for anything my dad will just say stupid things he'll say uh uh hey boy come over here for a minute let me tell you something he goes do you know what you need to tell your kids to do when they are riding the back of an open-air pickup truck down the highway and i am thinking dad because of idiots like you we can no longer do that stuff [Music] they'll say well you you need to tell them to watch out for rocks because the bridges are collapsing that's sound advice there genius right it's just like he would do he'd be driving one hand and put that little mcdonald's sliding window open and yell hey hey you kids be safe back there and then he would flick his cigarette out we'd have to jump out of the way and i grew up on a farm store there's a lot of times we had hay in the back of our truck yeah and you haven't lived have you had to stomp out a fire going down the expressway [Music] my daddy just says stupid things my mom has gotten vindictive my mom will now start a sentence with you know i don't mean to overstep my bounds here yeah i said mom if you have to start the sentence with i don't mean to overstep my bounds here there's a good chance you should just shut up right now right you guys clapping at that table you got that going on over there right [Music] she's your mom she's never gonna shut up you know that right she comes to me one day she comes to me and she goes you know christopher you know christopher i don't mean to overstep my bounds here and i'm thinking well here we go she goes i just heard this i just heard i'm thinking you've either watched or read something on tv again right she goes i just heard if you want to give your kids some meaningful discipline i mean meaningful discipline i heard you should never ever ever smack them on the behind whatsoever you shouldn't smack them she goes no what i heard you should do is you should just give them some good positive reinforcement and i am thinking positive reinforcement really we had positive reinforced when i was a kid it went a little something like if i messed up i was positive my dad was coming home from work to kick me in my butt right yeah yeah [Applause] and that was the day before cell phones or instant gratification and things like that right my mom couldn't interrupt my dad at work then i had to page the whole plan and he was a millwright and if they woke him up from his nap someone was getting it when he got home from work [Laughter] so anyways my mom just did the mom threat things and you wait till your father gets home all that stuff but right so i would keep it up and i knew my mom got mad because she quit talking to me so i knew i was in trouble that day right right so i knew that my dad got home from work at 4 10 every day at 409 i went somewhere and i hid in my house yeah it was about 10 or 15 minutes after my dad had got home from work and no one had come to find me yet yeah little did i know my mom never told my dad that i was in trouble that day she was just enjoying 10 or 15 minutes a piece of quiet [Applause] people that have kids or had kids is there anywhere in your house that you can hide that your kids can't find you in half a second nowhere i can't find my kids in my house i can come in yell at them for the top of my lungs i can't find them don't know where they are so you know what happens now though i think they can't hear me but the time that i think they're asleep and i pop a soda suddenly they're all ears dad dad what do you got right so i can't find my kids in my house but do you know now where i go in my house if i want to find my kids where i go i just go to the bathroom and no sooner does my butt touch that toilet seat and they find me you pop it that way thank you you guys know how it is right at my house it's almost like a horror movie i'll get home from work and i'll come run in there and find that little half bathroom it's got all my good catalogs and stuff and i'll go run and sit down and no sooners my butt like i said touch that toilet seat and i hear it it starts down at the end of the hallway it's [Music] and i'm sitting with my pants around my ankles my eyes are darting i'm trying to control my breathing doing it and at my house i have wood floors and my daughters are never not wearing like these hard plastic barbie clip-flop shoes up and down my wood floors and i hear coming it's this horrible clip clap clap and she's always singing something stupid all the time and i hear her coming and she's singing baby and i'm sitting there on the toilet trying not to get wrapped and go daddy so anyways i hear this clip-clop clip pop clip clop and it stops right in front of that bathroom door and i get that piercing daddy daddy are you in there going potty because i have to go potty and i am thinking your dad just raced home from work so he didn't go to the bathroom in his car and then have to bird on the side of the road somewhere and explain to your mom and the rest of us why we got to go car shopping today because you've all seen that haven't you you'll be driving down the road sir and you'll come up on this car that's just all burnt out it looks like a barbecue i think was that a dude that did not make it home to his bathroom and just decided i'm gonna spare myself the embarrassment and torch this thing so anyways i make it home and i'm sitting there and i get this daddy i have to go potty and i am thinking there are two other bathrooms in this house you can't go to one of them but people i was quiet i thought if i can be quiet enough maybe she'll just move on and i can finish what i needed to start so i'm sitting there and i don't hear anything for a minute and i think i'm in the clear and all of a sudden though i hear some rustling and i look and here underneath the gap underneath the bathroom door comes this plastic barbie head shoved underneath there head all caved in barbie looking like and i'm looking down at barbie thinking well don't you judge me barbie yes barbie you live in a dream house but i don't know if you know this barbie but you are naked barbie watching a grown man go to the bathroom and this is at the point where my daughter says daddy i am opening this bathroom door and that's when i stuck my foot against the door and i said do not open this bathroom door because i only have enough money for therapy for barbie not you included but i hear this a lot now i hear this a lot from people people always tell me people say oh you gotta watch out for kids nowadays these kids are so much worse than when we were kids i don't think that kids are any worse do you guys think that kids are any worse yeah a few of them are going man have you seen them they got their pants pulled way down you can see their underwear in the crack of their butt hang out half the time they got holes poked all through their face if they ever sneeze with a soda in their mouth it looked like a launch sprinkler went off somewhere [Music] [Applause] i myself i don't think that kids are any worse i just think that kids don't do good wholesome things anymore am i right kids don't do good wholesome things these kids nowadays they will sit all day long in their rooms and play they don't know what it's like to go outdoors and go sledding all day long with your foot jammed in a bread bag then jammed down inside of a booth [Applause] a few of you people in here you guys remember these wonder boots [Music] yeah we wondered why our feet got frost bit didn't we and sometimes my mom wouldn't even take that last piece of bread out of the bottom of the bag before she'd stick my foot in there be about noon i'd come to the back door can i come in for lunch and she would say now why don't you just stay out there and eat that sandwich and i pack for you [Laughter] it's sick but you're with me i like you guys for that i like you but we would we'd be outdoors sledding skiing throwing snowballs and rocks at cars all day long until you get that one guy man he would throw his car and park and jump out and chase those kids yelling i'll catch you one of these days you wait and the only reason i remember that's i'm now the fat dude that couldn't catch those kids told you winter was bad in the midwest i had to get out of here this winter i had to go on vacation anybody in this room ever been on a vacation i gotta ask that man because a few places i play they're like oh dude since i put that walmart in town we don't have to go anywhere we can get beef jerky and suntan all who still uses suntan all [Laughter] but i i i had to get out of here i went to the islands i went to a caribbean island anyone ever been to a caribbean island i went to jamaica and do you know what i found that the only thing that the people of jamaica do fast is the one thing drive good got that bus ride from the airport to the resort was white knuckle my butt was puckered tight down to the seat of this bus and i am sitting there and i am praying every way i know to god at this point by this bus driver he's driving up and down hills and around corners and there's goats and mopeds and up this mountain road we go 3 000 feet up there is no guard rail and i look over and there is the ocean and there was also a busload of people that weren't very good at praying [Applause] [Laughter] you guys are with me man i love it i love it it's cool but why was it so anyways we're on this bus and it pulls up to this beautiful sandals resort some guy he comes up and pops me up off the seat and i'm walking around everything is oh [ __ ] man reloxmon have a red stripe i said have a red stripe dude how about getting me my luggage so i can get rid of this brown striper now i've got the back of my underwear [Applause] but while i was there i tried scuba for the first time and i'm what the dive instructors kept referring to as buoyant man [Applause] yeah i don't know about you dry bar but i think that is a fat joe hey provo you guys have been a lot of fun my name's chris thank you very much [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 437,788

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Chris Young, Chris Young Dry Bar Comedy, Chris Young Comedian, Chris Young Comedy, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Comedy Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Cheap, Cheap Parents, ice cream at home, we have food at home, crazy parents, dbc

Id: jqClByeZ44A

Length: 29min 9sec (1749 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 01 2021