Try Not To Laugh | Middle Eastern Comics | Laugh Factory Stand Up Comedy

so whenever I go up my dad in Beverly Hills people always think that we're digging yeah and it's only worse when I call him daddy comes the news News starts talking about a Pakistani terrorist but my uncle's like mm-hmm no you see these guys at the Sarah Pakistani they're actually Indians pretend to be Pakistani I was like how do you know that like because they're uncircumcised how do you know that I was like because after they blow themselves up they find the bodies uncircumcised so my uncle thinks after a terrorist blows himself up and the dust settles laying in the dirt is just an unscathed uncircumcised penis and then there's a huge government cover-up we gotta get these dicks outta here I got a lot of crazy roommates and the thing that sucks about crazy roommates is that you don't know that they're crazy right when you meet them when you can do something about it cuz crazy people aren't all crazy all the time you know it's not like you meet them and you're like hey I'm dan what's your name has I told her things that tell us because I had this one roommate this really stuck-up girl she came back from shopping one day I was like where'd you go shopping oh I went to tarjay you mean Target no tarjay since when does it make something more socially acceptable if you pronounce it in a French accent it's like dude where you've been the past six years Oh me I was in prison yes it's cool I committed a double home-ec I [Music] had this other roommate who's a huge pothead he pulled out this joint once I've never seen this before it was a clear joint and few guys has anyone ever seen this yeah alright chill ha aggressive pothead I've never seen the clear dry I didn't know what that was I was like what is that he's like instead of rolling it in paper I roll it in this vegetable based cellulose cuz apparently it's really unhealthy to smoke the paper what about the drugs like you're doing drugs don't sugarcoat it what's next heroin needles dipped in vitamin C like I can waste my life way with the heroin but at the same time maintain a healthy immune system because there's nothing worse than getting a sore throat when you're mugging a homeless guy my mom am I love my mom my mother is so caring and so loving you know because they're Middle East thing they like kill you with like feeding you in the head they feed you so much you want to die but you know my mom knows me so well she does this one thing it drives me crazy like you know I can't I came home the other day she says hey come here come here come here Mike watch because I put some organic tomato juice I hate Tomatoes she knows I hate Tomatoes and she doesn't like it's a secret it's great for you mom I don't like tomato just noted I'll have somebody cook for your head real hard for your brain for your manhood everything mom I hate tomato juice ok ok ok that means you're dead ok ok ok ok but she doesn't give up this is just the beginning you think it's really over no they set up the table my sisters come to cheering tomato juice will make over the fantastic to make sure oh you know you want some no I'm ok you don't know what you're missing it's ok they eat they finish my mom doesn't give up she leans in pours a whole glass of tomato juice just having it come on just hit for no come on having it 10 minutes you know at that point on losing like mom I don't want any tomato juice yeah what is wrong with you it's not like anybody forcing you nobody's twisting good on you don't wanna think you don't really care okay like you're their mom I'm sorry bring the whole bottle of tomato juice the whole bartender right yeah very good I'm just trying I'm just trying to stay alive fighting my kids cuz I got these two young kid anyone got kids anyone got kids here yeah how old oh right there oh you're growing up good for you congratulations like like you're not like running around in diapers anymore which yeah what's that graduated two majors good way to go whoa what are those majors what you were your majors philosophy and law and society that sounds like three majors young lady right there I think your mom's not giving you full credit for all three of those philosophy and law and society you see if you say it slower you can get away with saying it's three major I got three majors philosophy law and society what society I just study society it's the philosophy of law within society it's thought was really one niner really wasn't even a major so you got a minor - no what the hell have you been out of the house the past four years you slave driving are you getting two majors and a minor and at least one major this sounds like a second major yeah you're gonna get three majors and a minor and I don't care what they are we're gonna go to a comedy club and I'm gonna let people know you're gonna be embarrassed that's why I don't care I'm proud of you I'm gonna say it every time tell them what your minor is what your minor Marxist studies like communism huh a full-ride in Marxist study because that [ __ ] doesn't exist anymore that's why like yeah you want to study this [ __ ] fine Cuba that's it you can go to Cuba and China you go to China is the one duties like well we had an idea and didn't work out so let's just hang out for four years and stare at each other for four years yeah I hope you have some other majors cuz they ain't nothing I thought this happen oh yeah Society what what University will you at UC Riverside way to go girl and what are you gonna do with all these degrees go to LA wait look mom you're so proud way to go fantastic huh you wanted medical you're you're still upset mother this girl studied something that doesn't even exist anymore you still won't give her credit because of the ice cube song today was a good day yeah I didn't even have to use an a K which by that logic I've had all great days I've never once used a night cap you guys are like you look like you've used a neck hear that again that's racist yeah my grandmother died I loved her but I didn't use an ache a great day I feel like God had kids too early yeah if you look at earth he was clearly like a baby God when he made earth like for the first few million years he's just obsessed with the dinosaurs yeah just like the t-rex this one has a long neck and eats leaves and he hit puberty and he was like [ __ ] dinosaurs I hate dinosaurs I never liked dinosaurs I'll be in my room listening to music then he had Adam and Eve he was probably like a teenage God you know he didn't take on any responsibility he was just like listen guys just uh just stay right here and don't touch my stuff right he just left he comes back they touch the stuff and he's like what the [ __ ] get the [ __ ] out get out go move to your mom's starts having more kids starts getting more controlling laying down more rules don't stick your dick in this guy's butt go over here go talk about me to your friends tell your friends about me tell your friends about dad you know then at one point just drowns everybody it's like the number one worst thing you could do as a parent like they give you a baby at the hospital like first off don't drowned it you know he drowns everyone then tries to make up for it by making us a rainbow he's just like sorry dad we'll do it again we cool down then he has his favorite kid not supposed to have favorite kids has a man you went then he sends it down to earth but Jesus kind of a dick as most favorite kids are right because Jesus comes down to earth and he's like hey I'm God's Son they're like aren't we all God's children he's like I'm God's real son you guys are adopted no like what he's like yeah God said you're not doing it right you guys like this God be like me God dude that God be like better you're like well who the hell do you think you are is like I'm also got like no his number one rule there's only one guy well I'm got too so they murdered him according to God's own rules I think God came back he was like what the [ __ ] and then he never talked to us again just walked out on us never came back now the whole world has abandonment issues cuz half the world's like there is no God he's dead the rest of the world's like he's coming back he'll be back I heard the new Lady Gaga single anybody with our Kelly I like it I'm not really a huge Lady Gaga fan but it's catchy in the chorus she's like do what you want with my day to what you want I feel like do what you want to my body is not something that you say to our Kelly okay he pees on chicks without them saying do what you want to my body I feel like that's something that you say to a an accountant you meet at a bar because maybe doggy style is as far as he's willing to go you don't serve that soft ball up to R&B singer r kelly who's had sex with millions and millions of chicks oh you gonna let me do whatever I want to your body and see I might need a Richard Nixon mask and a slip and slide what to do by I want to do by to do comedy clap you know what Dubai is you know where it is okay see I apologize for asking but I just got back from Texas yeah your people have no idea what Dubai is all right just a bunch of blank stares like Dubai Dubai he goes well Dubai don't buy it please if you got the money you sumbitch you know Iran where did you run to Syria tell me you know Syria I hate Syria morning part of a well-balanced breakfast you understand tell your jokes mr. but I went I went to the Middle East and as crazy my dad is my dad's irani and my dad moved to America to get away from some of the crazy stuff and he met my mom who's blonde I don't know how they met but I can tell you one thing Persian men are very good at picking up on women all right yes if you don't know I'm talking about blonde girls go to Westwood right now you're a hot commodity all right and they're nice they're very nice at first if you turn them down they snap just a warning all right it starts like hi how are you you're blonde hi nice to meet you but if she walks away then they start over hi how are you you are not carrying I am you know they say once you go black you never go back once you go Persian there's no other vision I'm sorry in Krav Maga which is this really fast offense yeah um and it's taught by these retired Israeli soldiers and I can't tell if I love Krav Maga or just an Israeli right on top of Israeli um I was just recently eating deaf chocolate chocolate for sad ladies how do you have it and the rappers they say different sound lady things right my father said take the day off that is so presumptuous [Music] you [Music]

Channel: Laugh Factory

Views: 1,596,794

Keywords: laugh factory, best stand up comedy, stand up comedy, funny, Laugh, stand up, standup, Los Angeles, Hollywood, comic, comedian, hilarious, la, los angeles comedy, la comedy, ariana basseri, ahmed bharoocha, dan ahdoot, max amini, maz jobrani, kumail nanjiani, fahim anwar, k-von, middle eastern

Id: rN-ijxl4mL0

Length: 15min 16sec (916 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 25 2018