[Civvie, with crusty voice quality]: It's not done, it needs to go back in the oven for another few months. Buckle up kids. It's gonna be a long one. And then four into this one... The damage in this game is some of the wonkiest RNG shit I've ever seen. Branded pieces of wood and metal... Look, this gravestone turns into cinder blocks. This thing turns into cinder blocks. [NPC]: Yeah, let me tell you what, you didn't see anything, okay? Nothing at all. [NPC]: Just... just keep walking. You saw nothing. [Pained laughter] [Laughter turns into sobbing] [Civvie, clear audio]: Monolith is a great developer. They made reliably fantastic shooters for two decades, like the Fear series, Condemned series, No One Lives Forever... They love having series. They make a sequel to anything. They love sequels so much, they made Aliens vs. Predator 2, and they didn't even make Aliens vs. Predator 1! That was Rebellion [who made 1], who I have a strong feeling will end up on this show someday. I'm tempted to do Aliens vs. Predator 3 -- also known as Aliens vs. Predator because fuck you -- -- because it has a locked 65 degree FOV. On PC. But Monolith made this game here, this classic, this final and arguably best game in the holy trinity of Build games, Blood. If you're a new school FPS fan you don't want to play Blood, because it's going to bend you over and turn your colon into no man's land. It's a difficult game but it's a beautifully atmospheric brilliantly designed darkly comic gore fest. That feels like a john Woo movie mashed into evil dead and was cheating a little on the side with a western. There's just this bouncy Joyful, movement unique and fun weapons one of the best shotguns ever put into a video game And a player character that despite being constantly murdered by the game's almost unfairly designed enemies is the baddest motherfucker in the world He makes duke nukem look like a slightly misogynistic boy scout he'd rip the duke's intestines out and play with them while cackling like a maniac and accidentally burning down an Orphanage I kind of have to catch everybody up on blood because today we're talking about it's absolutely bug fucking sane sequel But plenty of people aren't familiar with the original You play as caleb a gunslinger and devotee of the dark god chernabog sometime in the late 1920s, I think Chernabog :"Welcome My Servants" "My Slaves" Caleb: "What is your Bidding Master?" Civvie: You and a few others called the chosen made up of Ishmael Gabriel and Ophelia Caleb's girlfriend Chernabog decides that they've betrayed him and so he has his minions kill them before tossing caleb into a grave somewhere Chernabog: "I've taken your love" "Now I will take your life" "Consider my power" "In a hollow" "Grave" But sometime later caleb is just so angry about this. He wakes up quotes army of darkness and starts murdering literally everyone Caleb: "I live.... again" There are innocent people running around while you don't have to kill them They have a chance of dropping health and you'll need it because damn this game is hard. It's do-able But the easier skills called Still Kicking and Pink On The Inside are kind of like normal skills in regular games anything above that and Chernabog's cultists to start lobbing sticks of dynamite at ya It's a bad time but it's not what I would consider too unfair until you get to the higher skills Well Done and Extra Crispy anyway spoilers ahead for this game. Not that it really matters It's a 90s shooter while there's a story and it's not bad It's not what we're here for but Blood 2 requires some context In each of the four sections of the game you face a boss The first three are the monsters from the opening cut scene you find Ophelia in the first episode on an altar killed by this giant stone gargoyle Caleb: "Ophelia?" "NOOOOOOOOOO" "Show yourself! SHOW YOURSELF!" You hear that that's caleb's voice actor Stephan Weyte killing it his raspy maniacal sometimes deadpan always awesome performance is one of the things that really set this character apart After Ophelia you go after Gabriel or Ishmael. I'm not sure you fight another boss this time a giant spider Along came a spider and Sat down beside her and he said " hey, what's in the bowl, bitch?" OH! And you eat his fucking heart that's how you get health and blood you eat people's hearts or life essences Which is just metal as fuck Then you go after Cerberus the two-headed hell hound who took Gabriel or Ishmael and you kill him before finally going after Chernabog and fighting all of them again to get to him Chernabog: "I have awaited you "Kneel Before Me!" Caleb: "I'm gonna have to put you down" He's a giant skeletal monstrosity that sets you on fire by looking at you. Chernabog: "Can you not see?" "Every life that you have taken has made you stronger" "And you have returned to me with a greater sacrifice than I ever could have wished" "With the power you bring I shall throw open the door between the worlds" "And rule the Earth!" Chernabog had a neat plan this whole time see caleb becomes more powerful the more he kills And so Chernabog brought him back so that he could kill all the things and become more and more powerful So that Chernabog could kill him and absorb that power that turned out to be a mistake Caleb: "Good? bad? I'm The guy with the Gun" Caleb kills him walks off into the sunset and presumably does badass stuff for bad asses And then there's blood too funny thing guess what happened according to chase hall monolith ceo and seemingly awesome guy Jace hall being pretty diplomatic about the whole situation is saying the gt interactive which was being bought out by infogrames Which would later become atari? What the fuck all this corporate acquisition shit makes my brain hurt But it looks like here we are again talking about a game made by obviously skilled developers shoved out the door too early I guess didn't sell well enough to fund patching the game and perhaps just maybe if you release A finished game to the public. They might buy it just a thought It's easy enough to talk about a bad game on this show. It's entirely different to talk about a weird three-quarters finnish franchise Killer that has sadistic design choices like the first game without the polish to make it work oh and also the story graphics physics sound and gameplay are an endlessly fascinating train wreck of Frankenstein's monster of ambitious ideas and budgetary constraints, you know what i'm not here to shit all over blood too i'm here to celebrate it and Fuck this game with a pineapple. It's not done. It needs to go back in the oven for another few months How undercooked is this game? It's fucking loud Buckle up kids. It's gonna be a long one. We are the kebab I gideon am its sinister genius leader Servants of the one that binds the dark god chernabog until a century ago everything was going according to our evil Plans this guy knows his plans are evil. That's helpful Say hi to gideon and get used to him because he spent 98 of the game chasing him We never expected to be betrayed by one of our own His name was caleb caleb isn't actually a skeleton and also you never expected to be betrayed by him Chernobox sure as hell did since that was the whole point of his plan. I mean Did you kill him his girlfriend and the other chosen and expect that the insane wild west gunslinger would opt for a peaceful solution? He destroyed our god and absorbed the power of chernobog So fucking with him is a good idea. I will destroy caleb Mash's intestines beneath my feet like rotten grapes And caleb will die for the last time You can play as any of the four chosen who have slightly different stats ishmael has the best magical ability, which is great Except you don't get any good magical weapons until more than halfway through the game. Ophelia and gabriella are both a little more balanced Oh, yeah gabriel is gabriella Now that will be explained later and caleb has the worst magical abilities But you can only get the cutscenes if you play as caleb And you want to play as caleb because he maxes at 200 health unlike ishmael who maxes at 100 good luck with that shit All the other characters also can't carry as much ammos caleb caleb can carry 500 bullets while ishmael could carry 100 and so on It's mostly different health ammo and speed stats, but also each character is fully voiced but since stefan wade is back That day just got worse He's still the best out of all of them and hearing some of ophelia and Gabriella's one-liners will turn you off of those characters pretty quickly. He will not even have a chance to pull the trigger Your death would be dad of a weakling If you run you're only gonna die tired your fear is understandable It's gonna hurt the skill levels are genocide homicide and suicide but i'm gonna see if I can make those a little clearer genocide Insultingly easy. You can jib enemies with one pistol shot homicide Hair-pullingly unfair you son of a that's what I decided to play on because I have rules and I can't do it on easy I wanted to but I play it right city Yeah, that's normal skill right homicide i've done homicides before most of them weren't too hard confession noted You don't know me. I didn't say nothing suicide Don't even bother you get further tying your dick to a ceiling fan Every level has some text before it and here's a good one You just can't sit and enjoy your new issue of guns and jibs while suffering the subway in peace these days first that ticket guy dared to confiscate your flask of old red 99 and then that spineless conductor had to stop the train for an hour just because some snot-nosed brat in a baby carriage rolled onto the tracks Jesus, okay, man, i'm on board, but you were about to go up there and give him a piece of his own mind But then you recognized his voice and realized that your day was about to get interesting Jesus, I hope so. This is gideon your guest conductor Hold on tight the ride might get a little Bloody bring it on Wait did gideon put that baby on the tracks to stop the train so he could get on and try to kill caleb and undead lunatic with god-like power with a few goons on a train Amateur the last time someone tried to kill caleb on a train caleb instead killed the train and crashed it into a carnival God, that was fucking amazing. Wow This promises to be fun Looks like there's killing And the first person you shoot takes seven or eight pistol shots That seems like a lot for a pant-suited cultist, but hey You can dual-wield a few of the weapons in this game like the pistol any game that has you John, wooing within 10 seconds deserves some credit You're just making your way through a train while these guys shoot at you picking up their hearts for health because it turns out You're gonna hemorrhage hit points while being forced through a straight shooting gallery You can kill innocent people in this game too for health and holy shit. I just stabbed that guy and he exploded into jibs They won't even be able to use dental records to identify him. That's fucked up. Here's a weird thing I put like eight bullets into that first cultist and then two into this one and then four into this one The damage in this game is some of the wonkiest rng shit i've ever seen fucking rule Seriously are you feeling lucky because it looks like shooting you could either mildly annoy you or instantly turn you into chunky salsa you get To the front of the train gideon is gone. He laughs from somewhere The train crashes and everything fades to black except the blood effects fucking wrong suddenly you're on the train platform Hey buddy you alright. You'll look like hell Ah, this is not my day. Right? Okay, swearing is a no-no, but I can still kill every innocent person I find Yup. Just checking don't have much luck with trains Do you is that a callback because I think it's trains that don't have much luck with me end of the line You just made your second mistake You stuck around. Oh, really? What was my first mistake letting me live? He's not wrong. See this camera movement in the cutscenes honest to god This is as good as it gets you'll see but it's roll So you chase after gideon taking down more and more of his henchmen picking up an uzi a flare gun and destroying tons of stuff in the environment All shatters into uh, just random pieces of wood and metal Look this gravestone turns into cinder blocks. This thing turns into cinder blocks fucking rule. Jesus christ Here's this lady again. And there she is too ten feet away fucking wrong. He just stuck his head in too far, I guess I'm your best reason to be afraid I think I stunned her. She just stopped dead. This isn't terrible yet yet you follow gideon to the museum of Antiquities deckard spinner from blade runner shows up in the sky and you can blow it up giving you a nice 100 health pickup Then you try to go into the museum and museum of antiquities is now closed not Blood was available, but it didn't have janine over here being a bitch behind a pa speaker. Anyway. Fuck you janine I'm, not paying 17 to get shot at by religious fanatics Okay, fine, I guess that's my fault I didn't expect the speaker to explode like a fucking grenade I should have seen that coming and it blows up the lock in the chain over the door and it's still locked It's rough come on Random things in the game. You wouldn't think explode they tend to explode in this game You know when they don't shatter into random piles of rubble And explosion damage in this game is fun because it isn't negated by cover or hiding behind a wall It just plows right through and kills you You can still get into the museum Of course by blowing up a pipe on a fire escape to get into a vent and then onto the walden roof Now I have two uzi's which are inaccurate as hell but spit enough lead at the enemies that it really doesn't matter a hologram Of gideon appears for reasons and says a thing today. I witness the fall of the great betrayer Yeah, okay sure you will be purged the cabal will live again The cabal isn't dead caleb already was purged. Look how that turned out. Good bad. I ain't the guy with a gun I have a feeling that they just had random lines sitting around as Placeholders in the beta version and that gt interactive shipped the beta version, but this isn't too bad yet. Sure It has fuck all to do with the first game. The weapons aren't quite as interesting. I mean We have a flare gun, but it's I don't know. It really doesn't burn things very well. And it also has that problem Where you can shoot something one time and kill it or shoot something 9 or 10 times and kill it I feel like embedding 10 signal flares into someone's upper body might slow him down. But nah Here's where the cracks really start to appear cultists of any variety can wield pretty much any of the weapons You can not dual wield thankfully but they don't really need to because as soon as they see you there isn't any reaction time They've already shot you this bastard nails me with a flare and caleb screams until long after it's out Get used to that the voice clips in this game tend to be absolute chaos not getting cut off by death pain, whatever Everyone's gonna be talking but you'll be too busy dying and notice this is where the game is relatively easy Relatively, you get your trusty shotgun, which has gotten a serious downgrade. It's way less accurate It reloads a lot slower, but I guess it does more damage and oh, here's where the plot of this game collapses We're about 20 minutes in here's gideon his mad scientist guy mad scientist guy's magic singularity generator Which is basically a portal gun and that other guy is just another mook. He's not important the portal Gun, what the hell is this? That's unexpected. Hmm I guess i'll need to recalibrate the singularity settings. I mean I could go into why this is nonsense technobabble But remember how I said i'd explain why gabriel is now gabriella. I lied because I don't know and neither does the game It's a long story save it for someone. Who cares. Is that anywhere to greet an old friend? Just look at how she's holding that minigun. How do you hold a minigun with one hand fucking wrong? Why is it a thing that games fuck up its fucking miniguns? I need to go with you find out what's going on Could you fill me in on it? I'm missing a lot of the details also The guy you're chasing is standing right there with a dysfunctional Singularity generator and your friend who they also murdered just showed up with a minigun. Why are you talking kill? Not my type Looked in the mirror lately, you'll not catch yourself What what is with the ding is that what extra dimensional portals sound like So you just keep going after that portals are bringing weird creatures into the world and you're just gonna have to deal with it So now that we've reached level three it's time to revisit level two No I mean most of the exact same areas again only with new monsters one of which being the shikari and the shikari is an ugly horny rat fucker from hell it jumps around a lot of the time landing right on top you spits out acid that can take At least 40 hit points off you screech is like a banshee And reliably takes three or four point blank double-barreled shotgun blasts to the face and they're fucking everywhere sometimes in packs Most of the time in packs when they do spit acid Which is most of the time they have the same kind of accuracy as every other enemy in this game, which is roughly 99.9999999999999999 I've read that it's weak to fire, but I haven't had any luck with that Then he had introduced to the laughably ineffectual soul Drudges and other common enemy melee only zombies that were humans before getting taken over by a bone leech They're actually less hazardous than the bone leeches themselves their obnoxious little bastards to screw Your ears and your face and the only way to get them off is to spam the use key But these things are so much more annoying making that horrible slithering sound the whole time Which is the only way you're ever going to know they're around because the designers like to hide them in dark corners or underwater The soul drudge is a joke, but also can be a bullet sponge because the damage system is completely fucked They're the stupidest enemies by far and they have a habit of standing around and doing nothing while the rest of their friends get attacked They telegraph their attacks, so blatantly that I can knife entire groups of them to save ammo Even if it takes forever You don't really need to shoot them if you can learn their patterns and because of the random damage. Well just look No one can stop me What are you gonna do bleed on me? You're not gonna look so good with your face ripped off Yeah, let me tell you what you didn't see anything okay, nothing at all, just just keep walking You saw nothing fucking wrong? So you go through the laundromat again, which takes you to you guessed it a sewer level fucking rule, man Do you hate sewers? You're not kidding. I really do Sewer levels are almost always cheap lazy easy levels full of carters and monsters and not much in the way of actual Interesting gameplay the text implies that gideon is going to a cabal safe house a funny thing to need when you have an international corporation of evil doers at your disposal But what do I know as soon as you get through the sewer it takes you directly into. Kobalco? Which is kinda handy is this the safe house the cabalco center for disease management nice digs anyway You have to make it through these labs to get to the elevator. That'll take you to the roof to do that You have to oh god damn it Bullshit, it's bullshit. Really you need one Goddamn shikari to spawn right in your face only for you to turn around and have another one spawn and boxy and fuck you You get your first energy weapon here when a cultist drops it It's the tesla cannon a holdover from the first game that has for the most part gotten a downgrade It fires slower projectiles at a slower rate eats up two cells per shot and the secondary fire is effective But wasteful I don't know why a hundred years ago. The thing was so much better I'm sure this is what nikolai tesla had in mind when he was inventing it too There's a lot of scientists just chilling out doing evil science stuff and they all have a bad case of goldeneye syndrome This level introduces you to the game's key hunting mechanics, which are all over the place See you can pick up one of these key cards for any number of locked doors But the key cards are really tiny completely flat and hard to see In the other levels you get real keys which are also flat and two-dimensional for some reason. It's real. Come on For fuck's sake the first game didn't have two-dimensional keys. And the first game was fucking two-dimensional They could get lost in a pile of rubble or just be too small to notice at first or even worse they can face you at a 90 degree angle and be invisible because they're completely flat you get into the elevator and then Spend the majority of the next level in that elevator See gideon's executive airship is docked at the top Which makes me wonder why he needs a safe house since he has a giant goddamn airship in a very large tower both of which Are full of armed guards this elevator ride lasts for about a minute and 20 seconds And the rest of this level lasts about 45 seconds, including the cutscene in the middle Hello The choice is yours walk now and live Stay and die i'm staying Then you're dying It's two rooms and then a bridge and walking onto the bridge exits that level that elevator ride was building suspense Because you were gonna fight this guy, you know, this guy lumpy you do however Get one of the most useful weapons in the game the sniper rifle and while it still takes five or six shots to kill a shikari It takes one shot to make these guys drop their weapons and become Suicide bombers I didn't even notice they did this until I randomly decided to not shoot one and see if he would get back up And kill me the animation lasts for so long I just figured he'd die a thirst before he got up again, but no he kamikazes You honestly i've played this game before and this never happened to me because I was too busy making sure all of them were properly Dead let's talk about the airship. I mean damn look at this one from the previous level You might be able to fit in the cockpit, but this one Maybe this is because it's the executive airship and so it's really really huge. I mean really huge It's two maps and I found that it was about here that the game really starts to mercilessly bone you You get lots of cultists in confined areas And hit skin weapons that they will hit you with the second you enter their field of view Unless you know exactly where they're gonna be You can't hit them first now groups of low-level enemies and blood were pretty easy to deal with because you had dynamite And you have similar bombs in blood too except they suck they're not even bound to the weapon slots You get them in your inventory You have to select them equip them toss them and then there's another key for the remote bomb to detonate Not all fire mind you because that's how that should work. You can't just toss one and have it go off You need to either wait use the proximity bomb and wait more Or use the remote bomb and get your shit pushed in because there is no way during a fight where the enemies are constantly Shooting you that you have time to go into the pecker sucking inventory Select the right colored bomb and toss it the alternative to this and the more effective method is using the bug spray canisters yes bug spray canisters You can load up on these things and at the cost of five vaguely defined units of ammo you can shoot One like a grenade from this duct tape attachment to the assault rifle. That's just there It's on all of them when you have ammo for this thing It's great against smaller enemies and I found myself shooting it around corners a lot But it still doesn't do enough damage to make mid-level monsters even flinch also, they're not the best for close quarters combat Which means fun fun fun, especially on the bridge of the airship Which is where I found out that the enemies can shoot through graded floors at you now Let me just give you a little diagram here a little illustration of how fucked you are from this point on in the game These two guys are shooting at you with doozies under the floor long before you can ever see them this big guy a lumpy clone takes a ton of punishment and shoots you and these other two guys on the bridge shoot you You're getting shot from five different angles. Hope you saved your bug spray canisters asshole So you crash the airship get a parachute and jump out and I haven't seen gideon anywhere. Did he actually get on that airship? Because now we're heading for the safe house Which I feel like we could have gone to first since that was our destination four levels ago and we've been traveling in random directions like uh, up a lot of up before you get to the safe house you go through a Construction zone as your parachute only lands you within walking distance and here you find the worst and most broken weapon in the game The bug spray now from what I can tell it attacks like the shikari's acid Except it doesn't hurt the monsters as much as it hurts you naturally and it has almost no range The secondary fire ignites the bug spray with a zippo and I would tell you how that worked But I tossed the weapon almost immediately the wiki says that it works good against shikari But it uses my grenade ammo and doesn't work as well as the shotgun or the uzis or the sniper rifle or the grenades or harsh language wait We can't go to the safe house yet Because we have to run through the same city map from before for a third time Fucking wrong and also go to the cathedral where you have to fight a thousand shikari And then oh, here we go. These fuckers zealots They're flying teleporting assholes who make weird horse noises and explode on death unless you jib them So every time you see one of these guys and every time you kill one you have to haul ass There are slightly more powerful red ones that I don't actually know the real difference besides the color. I guess their attacks are stronger But to be honest by this point in the game, I was usually low enough on health to be one hit by anything They threw at me then you do a ton of awkward and obnoxious Platforming with the game being an absolute cock about spawning enemies while you're on narrow ledges three times fucking wrong No, no, it's not. It's absolutely intentional. It's a dick move by the level designers We haven't even started getting into the real dick moves yet This is an appetizer for the dickishness to come and a moose boost to prepare you for the grander. Forthcoming phallic acrobatics. Oh, yes We're only at the end of the first chapter Once you threw the cathedral and the surrounding rooftops and catwalks you face the first boss of the game the naga Tell you what kids. I like my bosses to alternate between ineffectual ground stops and unavoidable one-hit kill lasers that go through walls Oh, yeah, look at the way you enter the room. You can just see the level scripting playing out You kill the shikari and then the naga teleports in There's no reason for that shikari to really be in there except to be a button that costs six shells to press And then sometimes just when I enter the room the goddamn thing takes most of my health by I don't know. I can't explain it fucking wrong. Just look at this I haven't even gotten within 20 feet. I got into this room and I lose what little armor I have and 133 hit points I go for the 100 health on the other side of the room anyone hits me with a laser through a wall Oh you son of a so what I did is I waited to kill the shikari knowing that its death spawns the boss So you jump up to this other side of the arena while the naga causes screen shaking earthquakes to make sure you fuck that up As much as possible you can get a triple damage power up at the top and also a voodoo doll And here's how the voodoo doll works against it I ended up just spamming him with bullets from the uzis while I had triple damage on Someone's got to hold the train These things are everywhere out there The cabal must be pretty desperate to be creating such creatures. These aren't cabal then what are they? Hell if I know what do you care? You don't seem to be having any problems with them. I don't have problems. I saw them See v11 the guards have requested that you cease gordon ramsay impersonations Uh No, you don't fuck the police You're gonna replace those with actual clips and editing, right? Gabriella and caleb have a conversation through two walls about whatever monsters from another dimension What's really important is that we get to the beginning of the next chapter, which is the very first level on the train recycled Holy shit, we're at the safe house. It was a convenient subway ride away gideon is in fact here Also cardboard cutout of the creepy twins from the shining not that they stay long when you get close they disappear You can't kill them I tried So the cabal safe house is a nasty dirty tenement block located next to the highway and I mean right next to the highway This game has very few tricks up its sleeve but one that it loves is rounding a corner into unavoidable gunfire Which is especially fun when going up stairwells where it can happen at the top of every flight of stairs If you check out this basement like area you'll notice this big gun right here that's a howitzer. Yes It is a portable handheld howitzer. Oh, yeah, let's do this Right. I almost forgot. This is a fun little quirk of this game You have ten weapon slots one to zero on the keyboard and each weapon You pick up fills one slot And when you have all the slots filled you have to find a weapon in your inventory to drop to get another one this time It's easy because I still have the useless bug spray canister, unfortunately ammo for the howitzer is scarce And it doesn't deal anywhere near the damage to make it worthwhile But of course because the enemies take enough damage To convince me that bullets are actually topical headache remedies They still take at least two or three hits before they feel anything from a howitzer Guys I just I just I just can't anymore just look at all of they're gonna assume fuck's gonna fucking sue me for using hell's kitchen and it's just so f Fucking wrong. It needs to stop. It's just getting worse. It just keeps getting worse It keeps spiraling down and I don't know what's going on gideon is just kind of walking. He's just chilling there He's walking in a wall and then the scripting starts and uh, then lab coat gideon floats, you know Because why walk when you can just uh this better work this time, trust me My calculations are perfect this time Once you get to the roof you find gideon again, and then his mad scientist uses the singularity generator again And another one of the chosen pop-up again, and they're surprised ishmael This is a surprising development, not really, do you have that thing set to bring back dead chosen? Because that's all it's done so far. It's more of a plot hole generator at this point suddenly between cuts They've all boarded this helicopter, which I couldn't possibly hope to shoot down It's just not possible. Unless you consider the fact that I shot down two of them from that fucking elevator. Do you understand? How much damage you're doing? No ishmael. I don't I don't understand at all That's not what I mean you are the one that binds sooner or later Face nothing then know this We are the chosen we are here for you whether you like it or not They're not not a single. One of them helps you at any point during this game Blood to the chosen everybody, I don't need babysitting. Oh, yes. Yes ophelia, too She was the first To come through would have been nice to see that since the whole motivation for caleb's revenge in the last game was her being dead But she isn't now so Oh, I wouldn't miss this for the world. Then again. You just might end up destroying it Then the cutscene ends the game puts you back inside the door you walk out in 2000 shikari Spawn I guess. I lied about the chosen not helping you since ishmael drops a whopping 25 health when he disappears. Thanks asshole That'll really help me around the next corner I hope you like the safe house because now you get to go all the way back through it and it's been repopulated with enemies And now it's time for another asshole Trap where one shikari spawns on top of this dumpster another one spawns at the entrance to this alleyway and also a drudge lord At the very top and drudge lords are basically the evolution of the soul drudges It's just that now they're huge launch giant fireballs and as we've already seen explosions go right through solid objects To fuck you over these things become stupidly common as the game goes on They take way too much punishment and the game likes to put them at the end of narrow hallways And when the game is decided that trick isn't enough it puts two of them in or three of them at a time In a small room. This is about where I learned how useless the howitzer is next up is the sewage treatment plant It's a rehash of the first sewer level though It's not just the same area copied and pasted thankfully but we still got plenty of that ahead of us Don't worry trouble ahead The cabal has turned this place into an ambush trying to get through alive in that every level though There isn't a ton to say about this section except the game continues to ramp up its dickishness There's this huge open area with a bridge right through the center and on each side You have unreachable cultists who will snipe at you And in the tunnels between these you have these little bugs that like to jump and latch onto your face just like the bone leeches And they make an even more annoying sound And they make the screen sway around when they latch on there's no real point to them being here You have one face fucking enemy more than one is superfluous. So this game has three It's wrong here's my favorite part because as soon as you round this corner a cultist insta kills you with a howitzer Man I wish my howitzer did that now that I think about it this voodoo doll is practically useless too in the first game it Was kind of a novelty item, but in this one it's a novelty item that does next to no damage Or maybe it does and I was just unlucky. The only benefit is that it runs on focus your magical ammo which recharges But since it took more than half of it to take down a soul drudge i'm gonna drop It as soon as I see a better weapon, no, wait, sorry It only takes two hits for a soul drudge And if you use the voodoo doll without a target, you take the damage yourself. So yeah, fuck it Stop that zombie takes three sniper bullets when I die and have to reload my save We exit the sewers at the meat packing plant and just about as soon as you start the level two of these goddamn zealots spawn And I have so little health from the last level that when we get into the round to corner and immediately get hit by Unavoidable gunfire thing. It's always fatal. Oh you son of a If you're lucky you can exploit the game's broken ai here like I did since they don't respond if one of their friends gets killed In front of them and also if they don't see you, they won't move while getting shot Oh and also they hide a lot of these face humping leech enemies around tight corners And because you have to spam the used key to get them off when you die You're already at the load game menu. I guess that's convenient unless they kill you when you get stuck in this weird, hazy limbo Fucking wrong But you know what? I consider this level a win because if you're an avid secret hunter like I am you can find One of the most useful weapons in the game the cabalco death ray It's hidden in a tiny dark little alcove that you have to climb a bunch of pipes to get to You're not even getting this gun early. This is the only time it appears in the game. It's just sitting there Somebody left this 1950s era sci-fi energy weapon. Just sitting around It's this fucking death brave right on the side and you know what? It still doesn't do enough fucking damage This death ray as far as I know can't one hit even the weakest cultist It can stun lock them and the primary fire can bounce off walls, which can be incredibly useful even necessary Except it can hurt you, too Because of course it can it uses the same ammo as the tesla cannon except it does more damage Than the tesla cannon and uses half as much ammo And it's hidden. I only found it because i'm an obsessive Weirdo the death ray also looks a lot fucking better Once you walk into this room and get fucked by two cultists armed with napalm launchers and fuck no available slots What do I drop obviously the howitzer? It's shit It took like three hits with it to take out a zealot and I assume that the napalm launcher does this attack? That's killed me through walls 100 times already. Maybe it'll be better and I wish you wouldn't do that Oh my god, oh No, fuck you these goddamn fireballs have been pushing my shit in over and over again, and now that I can use them They're garbage. I fucking hate this game. I hate that pretty much from now until late in the game I have less than 50 health I catch one break when I get hit by this truck and it's kind of trivial Actually, I guess being the one that binds protects you from vehicle damage except trains But these goddamn shikari don't seem to mind getting run over by a speeding subway train. So why should I About the time the game really started ritual murdering me dismembering my corpse and pissing in my eye sockets See because of the whole your weapons do a random amount of damage thing And because this isn't a modern shooter where you can just run up to an ammo crate and resupply I started running out of ammo for everything because as a level designer It's probably pretty difficult to put enough ammo pickups around to deal with the enemies if the enemies take a randomly low Or high amount of ammo to deal with honest to god. I spent like five levels of this game Dangerously low on ammo to the point where I couldn't kill a lot of these larger enemies so I had to run away when I came upon this terrible part where i'm blocked in an alley with two drudge lords, I ran and the first time I tried this my health was low enough to immediately get one hit by a cultist through a window cool Do I have zero health fucking wrong and now I get into warlock station where guess what? I have to board another subway train But first I have to spend this whole goddamn level with next to no ammo Somewhere along the way I picked up the orb another magical weapon, which is his last stitch as you can get It's basically these things from phantasm And if you play as one of the characters with more focus say ishmael or ophelia You can use the secondary fire to guide it but fuck that it drills into a monster for a while even right? Into its head sometimes and it might buy you a few seconds to use real weapons to kill the thing The next level isn't a sewer level. Nope, definitely not a sewer level. Hey, wait a minute weren't we supposed to catch a train? Why am I running through more underground steam tunnels that are definitely not sewers. Oh, okay It turns out that they lead back into the subway station the one that was gated off before so now you can fight the third Thing that latches on to you the choking hands making a return from the first game except with terrible endlessly looping annoying sounds Great also If you want to put a door between one area and the next forget that just use a drudge lord Now that you've successfully navigated through three levels to get to the train platform Please enjoy copy pasted train level number three except this time you get drudge priests and face fuckers And just all the annoying things the game can throw at you like 5 000 shikari spawning in your face This train level is different though Because you have to jump from one train to another one which is directly in front of it and then go through another identical train Yeah, it's the same exact thing except twice fucking rule and the train doesn't crash this time You just get to the front and it ends and guess what you're back at harlock station again And you do the thing right where you round every corner? And there's a guy 50 feet away will immediately fucking shoot you this time with napalm Yes, awesome. Let's go. This is where the game turns into a war of attrition if you can get 10 feet without dying That's a win look Here's an example a zealot spawns, of course, and so naturally you move backwards to put some space between you and him But then a shikari teleports in right on your ass and insta kills you say what you want about the original blood's difficulty Shit didn't just appear out of nowhere Speaking of appearing out of nowhere here are the drudge priests flying bastards that of course shoot balls of napalm at you and also Lightning i'd pop in and out for one of them not even for long enough to know if any of my shots land But the other one gets stuck and I just stand right there and shoot him in his stupid face. Literally a hundred times Oh and they drop bone leeches because of course they do Another day another corpse Another reason for making you finally get on the blue line and fuck. It's another guy with a howitzer right around the corner He wasn't even the one that killed me since I had two health because fuck this game So I go off and I look for some health and I find the entrance doors from one of the previous times I visited this train station, but they don't open and also they summon a drudge lord who immediately kills you with a fireball Why fucking why what is the point? There's no ammo or health there. There's no reward for the player for killing it There's nothing to find up there. It's just the game punishing you for exploring It's not like I found a useful item and a monster teleported in I found literally nothing The subway leads into the crypts because the artful design of this game lends itself to the feeling of a broken dream Where disparate areas can be connected because that's the logic of the dream I'm, sorry, I mean it's because this game is cobbled together from a bunch of beta content So now you get to face the game's second boss the behemoth who is the bullet spongiest monster out of all He's not even that much of a threat in terms of bosses. I had the easiest time with him He probably takes more punishment than the final boss of the game But if you keep far enough away from him and let him get stuck on those pillars He's supposed to be able to destroy which explode into cinder blocks obviously fucking wrong You just keep unloading on him until he dies. This is the only boss that doesn't have a health bar, too The only problem is that you get slowed down by ankle deep water. So you have to bunny hop everywhere honestly This might be the easiest part of the game so far I just unload on him jump a safe distance away unload on him again, rinse and repeat and oh no He's destroyed all the pillars I can hide behind Oh wait. No, it doesn't matter because he doesn't have any ranged attacks I timed this it took two minutes and 37 seconds to kill this thing. And before I even know that i've done it Ishmael teleports in out of nowhere and vainly tries to stitch the plot together. You're thinking about ophelia How very touching oh i'll do more than that. There is a permanent rift in gideon's temple It is a focus for all the damage that is being done and epicenter. So to speak you will find ophelia there Groovy. Yeah, groovy Your dead girlfriend is no longer dead and is in gideon's temple The existence of which again makes me question why he needs a safe house chernobug's destruction opened many doors between the worlds They can only be sealed by the one that binds that power lies within you this reality will perish Unless you restore it chernabog was destroyed 100 fucking years ago were doors open then we only waited until now to do something about it I realized caleb doesn't really give a fuck. Let it burn. I never liked this place anyway But dude isn't all your stuff here guns liquor all that stuff You think there's going to be a convenient mirror dimension where all that exists too? There is another reality forcing its way through the rifts ancient and revenues It is neither good nor evil. It merely is But it will devour us all yes Oh my fuck what is even happening here? So the cutscene ends you sit there for a couple of seconds before the loading screen starts and immediately you're in a tunnel watching A car crash into a wall and you have to lower the bridge and you know what? It's just that's just confusing. I have no idea how I got here and you get an extra raw just because i'm in a bad mood fucking But then a shikari spawns in Guys i'm i'm not gonna lie. I'm really not feeling too good right now Now i'm radioactive That can't be good eventually get into the city again, but thankfully not the city again but also fuck this part too because 20 000 shikari teleport in and jump across the rooftops and now a sniper Why in the fuck does this blood just hit the sky and stick there like it's a solid surface fuck this sniper into oblivion he starts infighting with the shikari, and I send a ball at napalm his way and I thought just for a moment that maybe Just maybe my napalm launcher wasn't an insultingly underpowered useless piece of shit But then I realized that it just blew him off the rooftop so he could land still be alive get a little stuck And then fucking shoot me again fucking wrong. What what are you gonna do? I'm already dead now. I'm pretty sure my foot is mutating into a flipper i'm gonna look like that guy from robocop And then there's a dude with a napalm launcher and oh fuck you game fuck you Look who decides to show up exactly one level after I already fought him and waste my fucking time and ammo. Alright kids Let's count them down 20 napalm shots 224 bullets 36 shells nine bug spray canisters One lucky orb hit and 37 sniper rifle rounds Oh, yeah, and he got stuck on a fucking lamppost for most of that The worst part about this is that after I beat him I looked over at the collection Of boxes and garbage cans that were placed about 20 feet in front of where the trigger to spawn him was Which I didn't even pay attention to before because the giant bullet sponge boss from the last level just teleported in on a spunk dunk In nowhere and started forcing me backwards like a horde of clear skeletons funny thing though There's a triple damage power up in there. But the whole point of the boss is the design of this area Is that the boss pushes you back through the streets? So when the fuck was I supposed to get that? finally finally Finally, we're at cabalco and we fuck around in there for a while before. Oh, look. It's a mini gun Hey, i'll take what I can get. Oh, wait, that's right I have limited slots when you find a minigun in a normal game. You just pick it up and start blasting that's Right laughing now just cut that shit out and hire a writer But in this game, you're not gonna have an open weapon slot for it So this little area designed around getting the minigun and shooting the enemies that spawn here with it doesn't work because you have to stop Cycle through your weapons find the one that you want to drop and by the time you've done that a shakari has already eaten Your face digested it pooped it out and sent it to one of the goddamn three sewer levels. I mean Otherwise the minigun is pretty useful it eats through your ammo like Well a mini gun And the wind-up is a little too slow if you use it when monsters spawn out of nowhere to fuck you But still it does more damage than most things. It wrecks the shikari, which is wonderful This is seasoned perfectly So in the course of running around this level trying to figure out where to go you come upon an office held by colonel lingus ha ha ha And you can just oh bullshit. Why does this desk explode? Why does this desk explode and spit out ammo that doesn't explode Why there are these force fields around this map that I have no idea how to open? It's not the button in this control room It's not any of these buttons right above the shooting range where I get the mini gun Or is it because I found out that you have to blow up these computers to progress, which is cool, I guess But I had no idea. I was supposed to do that to deactivate the force fields, but fine, whatever Let's keep going get through this hallway that inexplicably has pools of toxic waste in it. Where? And you jump up this ladder which somehow leads you into gideon's temple the temple of poon I get it because ophelia is there and i'm wondering if both participants are dead if it still counts as necrophilia Or if they're undead or if they're back from the dead for really poorly explained reasons I've been dreaming of you all tied up like that Um prince charming, I presume Hey lady You were into him too at one point like a hundred years ago caleb seems to be the only thing that hasn't changed Give me some sugar baby. See he's still stealing army of darkness lines Give me some sugar baby cut me loose and i'll give you a whole cherry pie. She's talking about vagina undead vagina Oh, yeah, and gideon's there on screen in full view the whole time Perv, I thought you might come here. Oh you again? Of course, he's gonna come here He's chasing you and even if he wasn't chasing you you kidnapped his girlfriend Which he's a touch sensitive about the last time someone fucked with her. It was your god who he killed? Good bad. I i'm the guy with a gun Good bad I'm the guy with the gun Why wouldn't he show up there? Sorry to break up this lovely reunion betrayer, but I need to keep you Motivated why? Why would you do that? Why do you want the homicidal maniac who already killed a god more powerful than you and also hundreds if you follow Fuck gideon wants to kill you so much that he sticks a mini boss on you one of the most obnoxious enemies in the game the death shroud which phases in and out and apparently can only be hit in the face when it isn't phased out and It's just a bitch. It's not broken or anything. It's just a pain in the ass they show up in some places and they're almost impossible to see until the shooting flaming skulls at you that also home in because Of course they do and they have a habit of just shooting those even when you're filling their face with bullets because of course Why not why have pain states? Honestly, the shotgun is the best way to deal with them, you know, like most things victims Aren't we all victims? Aren't we all and as soon as you're out of gideon's temple? Which I guess was built right in the middle of the cabalco tower Which makes me wonder where the stained glass windows open up to since it's I don't I don't know You get upstairs and there's another behemoth waiting for you and I just let him fight with this cultist for a while hoping he might Weaken him for me and then I put almost 500 bullets into it from the minigun and he's still going cool Here's my favorite part of this level It's just the best you get down these stairs and you have two hallways you can go down To your left is a death shroud which sucks and to your right is two cultists who will immediately hit you with flares Which also sucks but if you choose to go to the right and maybe get through the weaker enemies a death shroud spawns directly behind You because fuck you You guys don't even understand there's still so much left so I go upstairs looking for a key and oh good. It's another behemoth So I die twice trying to kill it sing most of my ammo into it and i'm not entirely sure that 20 napalm shots 224 bullets 36 shells nine bug spray canisters One lucky orb hit and 37 sniper rifle rounds wasn't me? Just getting lucky with the random damage output and then it might not take twice that so I run around look for some more ammo and drop a final 40 bullets into it to finally kill it leaving me to go to the next level with nothing but fucking flares Once you're done with this filler level it takes you no no god damn it. I'm back here, and it's completely repopulated with enemies Here we are again back at zero health and the game has spawned 2.7 million shikari But now this other door is open and you can go to research and development which is important because gideon is there did I say? Gideon is there because i'm lying he's not so why am I here time to do some research of your own? Find the wacky scientist and he might just tell you where he keeps that singularity generator Why why would I want that? Is it going to bring the other chosen back to help me fight? I mean, I guess that could be good. But from how this thing's been behaving the whole game It seems like it's kind of a crap shoot. I do still have this death ray. Is it better than a death ray? Hello. Hello. Hello Hello. Hello, welcome to research and development or as I like to call it r d You may call me doctor i've had some rather interesting subjects lately with all the fluctuations in the cosmic substrate, but I must say i'm especially looking forward to your dissection Please proceed to the main lab and we'll begin the experiment Great. Okay. Sure. Let's just fight 24.6 billion more shikari pick up a nearly invisible access card on the floor of this. Uh, Shikari cage and then you go into a nearly identical shikari cage room to shoot more shikari and maybe get some health from this scientist And the game crashed, you know what this game hasn't crashed on me yet Despite how fucking weird it acts so i'm gonna give this a pass this scientist just fell right through the floor I was afraid that the game was going to crash the next time that happened about a minute later, but now it's fine Then there's shit like this Oh, that's a paddling fucking wrong and then there's this area where you have to face 136 trillion shikari for all the monsters the scientist claims to have in his collection It looks like he only has fucking shikari and somehow they managed to make a hole in the floor into this. Uh, Flooded area with knee-high water and a goddamn drudge priest that's nearly impossible to fight especially since crouching in this water Which your head is clearly above causes you to start drowning? And I kill it with the death ray which ricochets back and kills me and I haven't even quick save since this whole goddamn other room full of Shikari now it's time to face the evil mad scientist Well, that was fun You shoot him so you can hit a switch to open a door to a room that has the singularity generator in it Which I have no slots for Guess where you go? Next write the fuck back to the last map. Yeah, no shit And now there's another fucking behemoth might as well. Try out this big fucking gun. I just got There's glass there you can't you can't see it but it's there It's almost over civi You have to find gideon soon. He can't have gone far unless he has another helicopter Or an airship or something that generates interdimensional portals Okay, we have a mid-range. Enemy on our hands here. The game's bfg should take care of it It doesn't it actually takes two shots and then there's another one right at the top of the stairs Looks like we're going back to the death ray Yeah, the mission objectives in this level tell you to blow up practically everything and you kind of have to if you want to have Any hope of finding the key card that unlocks one of these double doors not both of them Just one of them going to the offices and oh god, damn it. I couldn't even see the death throughout that time Did you guys did you guys see it go upstairs? And there's another behemoth because why not and I let this chuckle fuck shoot at him for a while to soften him up And then I just don't fight it because I already have the key and I don't want to waste all my ammo and it's still not over because there's another floor of enemies to kill and then you have to find This hidden button that opens a secret elevator that takes you to the roof and for once there's no cut scene You just walk onto the roof and gideon's right there. But now he's going super saiyan He's got similar bullshit lasers to the ones the first boss had you can find the life leech up here, too But that's a trick because you still have to empty a slot for it and pick it up And while the life lead shoots neat fireballs and gives you health back using it against gideon is suicide You get plenty of health off him But he takes it away just as fast so why the fuck is it here? The way this seems to work is that you shoot giddy And he basically teleports away normally to a position where he can immediately fuck you over and then he proceeds to fuck you over So you need to hit him get behind cover hit him again and just keep doing this until he gets bored You will never truly defeat me Then i'll just have to keep on kicking your ass He wants you to follow him. You dumb bastard. Yeah, ophelia's right How the fuck did ophelia get there welcome to the other dimension kids because this game is never ever going to end It's a battle to the death Preferably someone else's gideon's puppet strings can no longer be pulled and the puppeteer's comeuppance has just come up ancient one Are you listening? Then hear this Oh, yeah Did I forget to mention the ancient one the big bad demonic force that's been controlling gideon this whole time from another dimension Well the game forgot to mention it until well right Now you want to know what happens as soon as you get into the other dimension you immediately have to kill Another behemoth, I guess this is entertaining Anyway while i'm recharging my health off the thing this poor cult is armed with only an ooze He keeps shooting and eventually the behemoth gets him into a suicide bomber state And it weakens the behemoth enough so that I only have to shoot him 139 more times and then i'm just changing Into something unpleasant Bring it on. What do you think of my new look? Whoa, whoa giant spider Oh boy giant spider fight because it just wouldn't be right if we didn't have one of those The second phase is actually a lot easier. I can stun lock him with the death ray cool I'll take it to hell. Tell him I sent you you'll get a discount. No It's not fair I'll kill you now We just have to get through this level filled to the brim with fireball spamming drudge lords death shrouds and this many shikari The life leech makes everything easier since you have a way of getting health back now This is probably one of the easiest parts if i'm being honest, you know The penultimate level of the game the one that's really supposed to test your skills The monsters are still cheap as hell, but I had plenty of ammo. I was using the death ray for most of it it's a fucking crime that the death ray only appeared once in one really secret area and just look at this whole map the Architecture the sky the lighting. It's so different from the cramped hallways that make up most of the rest of the game It's like we pulled a reverse half-life where the other dimension at The end of the game is better than the shit that came before it That should be worth something you eventually get to an arena where the objective is to find the portal to the ancient one The arena is for another boss rush Fuck I love caleb even if he does like a bitch every 10 seconds Oh You're gonna hurt my feelings so they don't get together and attack you because the game for once isn't trying to mercilessly slaughter you well, I guess it is or it would be if ishmael got anywhere near me and if spamming both ophelia and Gabriella with the minigun didn't immediately kill both of them seriously ophelia jibs from the minigun in zero seconds flat and then I assume Gabriella portals right into my minigun fire and also dies. I fought all three of them and didn't lose a single head point i'm at 300 health 100 armor No wonder they die all the time. I guess caleb was the one picking up the slack in the old days Here we are the final boss the ancient one the boss of bosses In the words of some long forgotten and not so long wind kill it Oh, is that a giant stationary tentacle monster Don't let that fool you he'll fuck your shit up explosive laser beams that can one or two hit you with full health and armor Where have I seen that before? And you can only damage him by shooting him in the eye and he's got a ton of health But there's a triple damage power up if you can get to it This is gonna be a long ugly fight i'm gonna have to really step it up if i'm gonna beat him I'm, just kidding If you hide behind this one rock pop out shoot him and pop back in he can't kill you Unlike every other goddamn enemy in this game who have explosive attacks that cut right through walls. Not the fearsome ancient one Okay, just one more time guys. Just one more It is unadvisable to use the clip again. Cv-11 Um i'm doing it it's rough. Come on Cb 11. I regret to inform you that the guards have elected to send you to the flame chamber Flying chamber are you kidding? Just put a tarp down in here Okay, okay, okay Oh jesus that was not um, i'm gonna need some of these bandages to change soon That was some passion of the christ shit in there Can I at least see what happens to caleb and the chosen assuming that they're alive now? Which I guess they are. Sure. Okay, it makes sense and is in no way undercooked or as you might say Hey doc, this machine just called me an asshole. It's not over caleb You must seal the rifts you must rebind the fabric of this reality before it tears itself apart, yes. Hmm Yes, yes. Hmm. Yes Yes, I don't know nothing about that kind of stuff. The power is within you it is time. You used it Okay, just shut up. I need to focus so he does that and wait what? Katie didn't edit this it cuts directly from caleb trying to seal the riffs with a never before seen or used power to this And then them just walking through the credits does caleb really close. The rifts does ophelia get her two minutes of gif what the heck actually happened to gabriel or Gabriella, what if ishmael can't get home and where did he get those tattoos tune in next time on as it burns it Burns enjoy these answers and more soon. We promise in the meantime get into some bloodbath None of these questions are answered and some of them seem to address things. That weren't brought up in the first place What if ishmael can't get home? I didn't know ishmael was trying to get home Where is he from? Who the fuck is does sibi survive radiation poisoning? Do they ever change his bandages what happened to all the doctors will civvy ever escape his prison and reunite with his beloved uncle frank Tune in next time for these answers and more and also an extreme 90s movie with a rapping dog In the meantime, please. Enjoy this death reel Oh a bitch Yeah Oh Oh [Help complete the english subtitles]
The original trilogy was one of Civvie's best video series that established his formula of using video clips for comedic effect to highlight flaws with a bad game. This continues onwards to this day on his channel.
This video honestly needs more Gordon Ramsay clips, because Blood 2 really is "fucking raw." I look at some of the decisions that went into this game and I'm genuinely baffled.
If you told me that the mission introduction text was made up of placeholder developers in jokes and was never meant to be seen by the public, I wouldn’t hesitate to believe it.
Even with the game being so tongue in cheek the briefs are unusual and wildly out of tone with the rest of the game