[quietly]
Civvie: Dah, bu-bu-bu-bah... [quietly]
♪ On your way ♪ [quietly]
♪ Like an-- ♪ [static burst] William Shatner: I'm William Shatner, sometimes known as Walter Bascom-- Civvie: Oh, holy shit, It's William Shatner! How you been, man? I seen you on the Twitter acting your age, how can you- William Shatner: --in the future I created called 'TekWar'. Welcome to Capstone, and prepare to witness the technology of the future, today, in 'TekWar: The Game' on CD-ROM. [static]
Welcome to Capstone-- [static]
--Welcome to Capstone-- [static]
--W e l c o m e t o C a p s t o n e-- Civvie: Capstone... CAPSTOOO- If you're ever looking for trashy games made for DOS in the mid 90's - if that's a thing you do - Capstone is a good place to start. And end. I've covered them before. I mean, remember
'Operation: Body Count'? Well, Capstone moved up in the world, releasing one of the first games on Ken's Silverman's Build Engine which powered such classics as: Duke Nukem 3D, Shadow Warrior and Blood, and some not-so-classics - such as everything else ever made with the engine! Except Ion Maiden, I guess. Ion Maiden is actually pretty awesome. You should - you should play that. [car crashing and explosion sfx] This here - this has star power. Based off William Shatner's writings - which I haven't read, but I'll bet they reach the epic heights of such classics as 'Star Trek 5'. William Shatner: Captain Kirk is climbing a mountain. Why is he climbing a mountain? Oh, ok... There was also a TV show, I guess. It looks like the typical 90's mid afternoon syndicated schlock. But this - this is a video game, and this is ambitious stuff, kids. I mean - an open-world cyberpunk FPS game? In 1995, like six years before Deus Ex? Made by Capstone, the pinnacle of entertainment software, using this new engine? Could they finally escape the prison of Wolfenstein clones using Ken's Silverman's weird, honestly kinda glitchy engine? Is this what Capstone needed to really get their lofty ideas off the ground? Shatner: I suppose you're wondering why you're here. Civvie: Nope. Shatner: It's simple. You're the best. Civvie: Oh, thanks, man. Shatner: At least, I think you are. Civvie: Yeah, You're uh- Shatner: You've already figured out that if this weren't important, you'd still be in cryo sleep, so I'm not gonna waste your time - or more importantly, MINE. Civvie: Why are you lying to me, man? Why? Shatner: Last Month, Miyoshi Nakahara and her family disappeared while sailing a 40-foot wind cruiser around the world and are believed lost. Oh, in case you missed the relevance: Nakahara is a Nobel prize-winning cyberneticist whose forte is the Matrix. Civvie: You know what? Put me back in the freezer! I'm not running a 'Matrix' clip. It's too hacky! Shatner: If the TekLords have developed a way to broadcast Tek using the Matrix, addiction would be universal. I don't intend to let that happen. That's where you come in. Find out if there's a connection and eliminate the threat. Do a good job, and I think I can get you released permanently. [Shatner continues, inaudible]
Civvie: Oh shit. Seriously, can you get me out of here, Bill? I'd like that! I know you got friends in Hollywood who might know some people who own senators, but this is a lot to ask, I know - I just met you. So after that, the title screen appears, giving you some- Ooooh. Oh boy. The eagle has landed, kids! I don't think the technological advancements of the Build engine are gonna help Capstone if this is what I'm looking at. And this is - Ooooh, My God. ♫ [Iron Maiden - Flight of Icarus] ♫ ♫ [Iron Maiden - Flight of Icarus] ♫
♪ Fly ♪ ♫ [Iron Maiden - Flight of Icarus] ♫
♪ On your way ♪ ♫ [Iron Maiden - Flight of Icarus] ♫
♪ Like an eagle ♪ Civvie: So here's seven TekLords whose TekDays are TekNumbered! And up here, that's the Matrix. You need to kill these guys to get these symbols, so that you could use them in the Matrix, so I'm just gonna wait on that. Shatner: Quick! I'm uptown, and I just saw Marty Dollar. Get down here and help me bring him in! Civvie: Me and Shatner are gonna bring him in? Oh, this is good. This is perfect. Shatner: You start near Midtown, and work your way through the area. [typical bad 90's beat loop bgm] Civvie: This is not Midtown, this is the subway. Get used to seeing the subway, you're gonna visit it about 50 times. They retexture it, and add a little stuff in sometimes, but it's the same map. So all the characters in this game are eye gougingly-ugly digitized sprites that aren't scaled properly. I give them credit for this subway train though, because honestly, even if a chunk of it has misaligned textures, and also solid colors as textures, and their bars are... The bars are two-dimensional and- Oh, hey, we've got a bum here. He'll work for Tek, apparently. He's on the train for the entire game, and he does nothing. If you go into the bathroom in the subway platform, You can find a mirror and -
Oh, fuck me! ♫ [Haddaway - What is Love] ♫
♪ What is love? ♪ ♫ [Haddaway - What is Love] ♫
♪ Baby, don't hurt me ♪ ♫ [Haddaway - What is Love] ♫
♪ Don't hurt me ♪ ♫ [Haddaway - What is Love] ♫
♪ No more ♪ Civvie: This is your player character, everybody! Whose idea was this? They are just precious. Duke Nukem: Damn, I'm looking good! Civvie: So far, the only weapons I have are this energy thing, and a pistol, which if you go to this empty ticket booth, or any empty ticket booth at any subway stop, you'll find 'pistol klips'...spelled with a 'K'? Sure, okay. And then the Orlow, the flamethrower, the bazooka; you can select them with the number keys, but that doesn't bring them up. You need to select them and then press fire to unholster them, and then you can use them. And civilians freak out whenever you have your gun drawn, because William Shatner didn't tell the cops that you're working for him. And so they all hate you. I think he's trying to get you killed to offset the expenses of cryogenically freezing you. Here's a map of the subway system, straight from my childhood experiments with MS Paint. This is a game that was sold for money, with a celebrity's name attached to it. There's no reason for it to be here, because it doesn't actually show you where the stops are, cuz the train doesn't stop at all of them, and in fact, it only stops at a maximum three of them in any given level, and it's the same map for every level.. But all the stops go to different places, and if that sounds ridiculous, WELCOME TO THE WELCOME TO THE FUCKING WELCOME TO THE FUCKING PARTY. Once you go through the security checkpoint, you're in Midtown...kind of... and you are immediately shot at by some guy on the back of a bus. Duck into this alleyway and shoot a couple of people, and you'll find health and a red keycard. [sci-fi gunfire SFX, pew pew pew] Cool, that didn't take long. So you have this HUD, right? 'H' is your health, 'A' is your ammo, and 'C' is...something. It never runs out or changes at all, but it's there. It's at a hundred percent, so I'm just gonna call that the 'crap meter', and move on. This game SOUNDS like complete dogshit; par for the course for Capstone. I mean, it's just a jumbled mess of 'pew pews' and ambient noises. [chaotic sci-fi SFX, reminiscent of dying birds, or a dial-up modem, or the howling abyss of CV-11's soul] Most of the maps don't even have any lighting changes; like, everything is full bright. That's...That's a paddlin'. Come on. I mean, ugh! It took me a while to figure out how this game works; See, you need to pick up the red key card and the blue key card. So in this first mission, I pick up the red key at the first stop, and the blue key is at the second, because despite what this subway map says, there are only two stops. And this operates like a hub, but not like a hub in Hexen, where they do it correctly; like, the enemies are dead, the items are gone. Nuh, you go back on the subway and those pistol klips - with a 'K' - from before are right there. Also, guess what? Because of this security checkpoint, you don't get to take any weapons or ammo you get in the map with you, so they're gone for the rest of the mission. So why even bother with the open world? Because Capstone is the pinnacle of breaking my balls! Fun fact: When you load a game from the main menu, the load game screen is an actual level. It's a box you move around it. It has a rug that really ties the room together. Also, when you press the Escape key, you bring up a menu that's giant and ugly and serves no purpose. That doesn't pause the game. Nothing pauses the game. Shatner: Prepare to witness the technology of the future, today, in 'TekWar'-- Civvie: The combat is... I mean, it's not the worst. It's pretty close to the worst. You can tell you're hitting someone, because they go into their pain states, but they're all still shooting at you while doing this. So far, this is endearingly shitty; like a child's drawing that you put up on the fridge. I just want to pat Capstone on the head, because they didn't trace over any Doom sprites this time. Most of your enemies do the same thing, which is hit scan you with the same one or two sound effects, over and over. But in every level you'll see a hologram of the tech lord you're looking for. It shoots at you, and you'll shoot it, but the game will say, 'Was a hologram'. Well, thanks, TekWar, I thought it was a fucking ghost! Other Build engine games had vertical mouse aiming, but TekWar? Nah, son, you're stuck with the keyboard. And since this game doesn't auto aim like other classic shooters, if there's a guy above or below you, you're gonna need a couple of seconds to aim and hit them, if you can hit them at all. It says you can hold out Caps Lock to aim with the mouse, but that shit never worked for me, and that's fucking stupid anyway. You know, I'm not surprised, Capstone. I'm just disappointed. Health pickups in this game are medkits. I'm sorry, I mean, 'medic kits'. 'Least they're using K's correctly now. Once you get the red and blue key cards, you have to find the one place in one of these maps where you can use them, so you can get to the TekLord's office and shoot him. Downstairs from his office there's some kind of establishment with square pool tables. You know, I wish I couldn't point to another Build engine game with proper interactive pool tables, but here we are: Duke3D. Upstairs is a turret on the ceiling, so you can really test how shitty the aiming is in this game. Marty dollar here, he's not like a boss or anything. He goes down easy, especially since I found this flamethrower that almost kinda works. [flamethrower sfx] [door closing sfx] I don't see him die, but then: Shatner: Marty Dollar's out of the way, but couldn't you have been more careful? The body count keeps rising, and it's harder and harder to justify it. We're not the killers, they are! Try to remember that! Civvie: Nah, Bill, look, everybody's shootin' at me for no reason, so...no. Next! Shatner: Dallas DeMarco was a small-time TekLord operating uptown, somewhere near the hospital. He may know something about what's going on. See if you can shed any light on the situation. He's worth more alive than dead, so don't get too trigger-happy. Civvie: Okay, I'll try not to shoot too many people in your shooting game, where you give me access to bazookas and flamethrowers in the first level. We're back to the subway. I'm gonna take a break for some notes. So I abort the mission, and: Shatner: What can I say, you blew it. If the need weren't so great, I'd have you on the next flight back to the freezer. But at least you didn't get any civilians killed. Now get out there and do it right! Civvie: Yeah, well, I didn't actually do anything. I don't see the need for Shatner to taunt you every time you want to take a piss or something, because the game itself doesn't have a fucking pause function! Doesn't help that I set the resolution to a crisp, cutting-edge 640x480, and the window changes every time Shatner pops up because he's in 320x200. And even then, you can tell that's a bad rug, you fuck! I know you can use your energy blaster thing to not kill civilians, just, as this game puts it, 'short out the targets nervous system'. You know, it's not so bad. You're not killing them. You're just giving them the symptoms of multiple sclerosis. It's Mission Two, and it's time to go into 'City1 map'. You'll see a lot of these solid waste containers around, and they always made me chuckle because you know, this game is solid waste. I'm not supposed to kill anyone, but they don't really give me much of a choice. Almost as soon as I'm in the map, I'm getting shot at from somewhere; sometimes, EVERYWHERE. There's a Capstone truck literally driving around, because of COURSE there is. [truck sfx, followed by player character death grunt] Yeah, instant death, hit by the Capstone truck. That sure is how it fucking feels! [SFX of...enemy weapons? bwoop bwoop] [suddenly, explosion!] I...I just...I just don't know. I don't know why she exploded, sometimes the pedestrians explode. So I go to the hospital, which I believe is called 'Our Lady of Microsoft Word Art'? So I go to the hospital and pick up a med kit, and then everyone starts shooting at me. What was I thinking, going to a hospital to heal myself? This thing is a wheelchair. I have nothing else to say about that. I escaped into a vent - as you do, except I walk right through the vent grate. This is fine. I want to use the Gordon Ramsay clips again, but they told me if I do that, they're gonna start taking my fingers. I found both the red and the blue keycards, so now I can find wherever the TekLord is hiding, and I can ask him some questions. With bullets. He's somewhere in this mess of a level. I find this building with a hallway where I could use the red keycard, so that's obviously where I have to go. But there's another switch, right? There's the switch that clearly isn't for this door, so that's an obvious trap. Delightfully devilish, Capstone. Let's see what you got. [siren...or maybe just whirring? these SFX are a mess] [more awful 90's beat loop aural assault] [death grunt]
[more awful 90's beat loop aural assault] [more awful 90's beat loop aural assault] Outstanding. Before I can face the TekLord, I have to take out six gun turrets and deactivate these force fields. Want to know how to deactivate force fields? You shoot at it once with a pistol, and it explodes. You see what I'm talking about? Capstone fucks up in different and interesting ways each time. First, you get force fields that don't actually block anything. Now you've got force fields that not only can't block anything, but will EXPLODE when hit by something. It's just... CAPSTONE. They fascinate me with how utterly incompetent they were at making video games. I would say that this game seems unfinished, but I honestly can't make that assumption with a Capstone game. How the fuck does this even happen?! The ceiling turret is moving around now. The stationary turret- -that you'd THINK would have no code that instructs it to MOVE AROUND- -is moving around. I don't even know how you fuck that up! I'm almost dead, and I got to face this guy and after a few attempts, I kill him. There's three holograms in this office, and NONE of them are going to fool me, because they're transparent and the guy...isn't, so... and one of 'em shoots me, and I die. But then: Shatner: You may have taken down DeMarco, but you also got a lot of innocent civilians hurt in the process. You know, the ones you're supposed to protect? I can't keep the law off your back if this happens again! Civvie: You know what, send me back to the freezer. I've been frozen, it's not that bad. Aaaaaand...
Action! Shatner: Hold my calls. Civvie: Cap. You're looking at me when you say that, you're not supposed to-- Shatner: I want you to take down Carlisle Rossi's operation. He conducts business from somewhere near People's Park Try to bring them back for questioning. Civvie: Oh, yeah, I'll do that. Sweet, peaceful, nipple-hardening cryo sleep, here I come. Same subway, but this time there's a secret bazooka and someone trying to kill you in the back of the room. But since I can't take the bazooka into any of the levels, and there's nothing to shoot in the subway, and I'm not even supposed to be shooting anyone in the subway, you know, am I wrong? What the fuck. Time for 'Beach1 map'. It's supposed to be the file name - 'BEACH1.MAP' - but I guess they couldn't program in punctuation. Speaking of maps, this game has this one. You get the whole thing at once, instead of it being revealed as you explore the level. That's not a complaint. It comes in handy, because the level designers were clueless dicks; more on that later. In this mission, you have to search two maps for a red and a blue keycard, and then find the TekLord in his office and shoot him a couple of times. But this one has a beach, and guess what? G u e s s w h a t ? ? ? It's EMBARRASSING. First, I gotta explain this thing that happens in Build engine games, because they weren't actually 3D; there were places in, say, Duke Nukem 3D, where you would get into an elevator, and it would take you up or down. But they would also hide a sneaky little teleporter in there just as the elevator would get to the next floor. So it would give you the illusion that you're occupying actual 3D space. [rumbling sfx] [elevator sfx] TekWar tries that. You go into the elevator, teleport without the elevator moving, and you're on the next floor. Or how about when you go underground in the beach level, and it just jarringly teleports you past an invisible barrier on the other side? [more embarassingly bad 'futuristic' beat loop BGM] You see this? This is the pinnacle of entertainment software. You go underwater, and immediately holster your weapon and sink to the bottom; you CANNOT swim in this game. Going out underwater past this point here causes you to take damage, and die in a watery grave, next to these unrooted floating plants. There's a lovely gentleman on a cigarette boat shooting at me, who's nearly impossible to hit unless you're on the boat. Good luck with THAT. Alright, here we go. We're on the boat. [doing a pirate voice]
Arr, looks like choppy seas, matey! Found nothing on this level, or so I thought. I picked up a blue keycard without realizing it. Now it's time to go to the other subway stop, which is the park. Listen to this peaceful music: [peaceful piano SFX, overlaid by water SFX] [LOUD ASS DOOR SFX] [EVEN LOUDER WEAPON SFX CV-11 WHAT THE FU--] Oh, sorry about that.
[Sure you are. Dick.] There's a red key door in this place that I think is some kind of electronics store that they have at the park. Oh boy, this is nature at its finest; a hedge texture repeated ten thousand times that doesn't tile properly. We got footage of a Build engine game that did better natural environments? [vastly superior nature SFX from a vastly superior Build engine game] Awesome. There's even a hedge maze! Hey, we got footage of a Build engine game that did better hedge mazes? [gunfire and death SFX, along with creepy BGM from an infinitely superior Build engine game] Caleb: ...heeeere's Johnny... [B L A M] Civvie: You know what, I gotta stop that. It's not fun anymore. It's just DEPRESSING. This is supposed to be a hedge maze, you can tell; but it's so lazy! They put in just enough effort for you to understand that it's supposed to be a hedge maze, but... ...ehhh... But it's pointless, because this lady near the entrance and this booth has the red key. L E V E L D E S I N E ! ! ! All the bases are square in TekBall, because the field is way too small for baseball. Go into a building; more turrets, this guy shootin' glitches at you. I shoot this guy thinking he's another regular goon, because we're not in an office, but no; it's Rossi. Shatner: Don't be so proud of yourself. Sure, you brought down Rossi, but you made the People's Park sector look like a war zone! Civvie: Hey, I didn't arm all of these people, I didn't shoot first, and I sure as shit didn't leave a bazooka and a flamethrower lying around in a public park! Shatner: Next time use better judgment if and when you applied lethal force Civvie: Ummm... No. if you played Missions One and Two, you've played Mission Four, except in Mission Four, there's a theater. Hey, let's do that thing again. You know, the thing? [projector SFX from the daddy of Build engine games] [RPG launch SFX]
[projector SFX from the daddy of Build engine games] [explosion]
[projector SFX from the daddy of Build engine games] There we go. Anyway, Mission Five is just the pinnacle, kids, because it's not ONE sewer level, but TWO, in a HUB, plus one more level at the end. The subway takes you directly to a stop that takes you into the sewer, because sometimes, my eyelids twitch when I go pee. The sewer levels introduce miles of ugly confusing hallways that lead nowhere. It's every bad thing about sewer levels; packed with enemies that constantly shoot me, but I'm not supposed to kill. This level also introduces TekRats; as in cybernetic rats. And by 'introduces', I mean 'it recycles the rats from Operation: Body Count'. You didn't think I'd notice, didja? You didn't think anyone would play more than one Capstone game? Who would be stupid enough to do that?! Fuck these rats. You can only reliably hit them with the pistol, and you have to mess with the shitty aiming to do it. I just run past them. You wander around until you find the blue key next to the subway station. I'm thinking to myself, 'Man, this is a convenient subway train. Let's ride it out of here and see where it takes me.' [bleep]
[Shitty...subway BGM? Not sure what they were going for here.] [Shitty...subway BGM? Not sure what they were even going for here.] ♫ [Koji Kondo - Sky Land] ♫ Right back to the same stop! I'm curious, so I'm gonna ride on the front of the train to see this miraculous journey in all its glory. [pew pew]
[I can't even. Just...the music is so...] [...bad. Actually no, it's not that it's bad, it's just mediocre.] [Some people LIKE this soundtrack. I mean, I guess...no accounting for taste.] [Are we there yet?] The fucking... . . . P I N N A C L E . . . ...of Entertainment Software. The second level of this hub is basically the same. You don't think it's gonna be a sewer level when you see this big open area and a building, but then you're back underground, dealing with sewage. Oh, holy shit, look at this, there's lighting effects! Lighting effects! They did it! [party horn...noisemaker...thing] [clap................clap] I spent five minutes trying to find the red keycard in this level, to no avail; so I went onto the next level, and I found out that you can find it there, making the previous level completely pointless. And then I found that you can also get the blue key card here, making the first sewer level completely pointless. That's, uh...! [thud] [the sound of CV-11's Capstone-induced rage] [the sound of CV-11's Capstone-induced ragequit] If you hold the jump key, you can climb ladders really, really slowly. And if you also hold the run key while holding the jump key, you can climb ladders really slowly. Shatner: The aspirations to climb; to reach higher than yourself. Man, and this human being, uh...Kirk, representing all of man, climbing higher than himself. Civvie: Technically, this isn't a sewer level. It's just brown, ugly, and has hallways and ambient water noises and shit, but it's not a sewer! So I wander around for half an hour, and finally find the place where the blue key goes. [door whooshes open] [pew pew pew] Shatner: You may have gotten Sonny off the streets, but did you have to take half of L.A. with him?! Civvie: Really? Half of L.A.? Was half of L.A. hiding in the sewers? Shatner: Far be it for me to judge my fellow man, but the last time I checked killing was a bad thing. This may be war, but the ends still don't justify the means. I don't like having to wash the blood of innocents off my hands. Civvie: I don't have a lot to say about Mission Six. It's just the same thing. Thankfully, sewer-free. But..but can I just talk about how goddamn sinfully ugly this game is? I wouldn't be so harsh, honestly, if this wasn't so fucking egregious. Mission 7 is the same shit all over again, this time in warehouses. I guess this level is a little more interesting, it has a possessed forklift. I go for this guy, Janus. He's in his office. [pew] [pew] [pew] [explosion]
[Janus screams] Shatner: With Janus out of the picture, I can justify my decision to keep you thawed out. And as icing on the cake, nobody was hurt, but don't plan on any vacations yet. We still haven't solved this case! Civvie: Okay, so see, now, now we're almost done, right? I gotta put these seven symbols in the Matrix, and then we win right? ...right?? In the times of great suffering that lay ahead of me in my life... When all hope has left me... When my body, my mind, and my senses fail... I will, as an old desiccated wretch, knowing only pain I once thought unknowable, will look back upon my pitiful existence, and say: 'At least I'm not playing the Matrix level from from FUCKING from FUCKING TEKWAR!' This is it; this is bottom. This is below the bottom. This is the awful Shyamalan twist I've been keeping from you this whole episode. Inside of 'TekWar' - an awful, awful game - is an even worse game. How bad is it? Well, I have to put up a photosensitivity warning. I'm not saying that the game is gonna give you a seizure, I'm just not comfortable in a legal sense in saying that it won't. You start off in a room with a collection of teleporters. Oh, yeah, also you can fly now. It's not so much flying; it's more like the swimming is in Duke Nukem 3D. Which makes me wonder why they couldn't do the whole swimming thing, you know, in WATER?! Anyway, you can move up and down really slowly. And remember how there weren't many lighting effects in the rest of TekWar? Well, they sure make up for it here, because half the goddamn rooms have lights that flash from zero to full brightness at all times. You're supposed to go into these teleporters, but the first time you go in you're not gonna know which teleporter takes you to the place you need to go, or if they do that at all, because they teleport you into like eight different places that all have their own soul-crushing, retina-violating form of awfulness. And you know what you have to do in the matrix? It's fun; You have to find about a million switches that open areas marked with 'Access Required'. Which are, of course, sometimes hidden away, but you have a map that marks those doors, but not the locations of the switches you need to use, which will eventually lead into opening the room where you place the sigil in each area. But all the switches look exactly the same, and most of them don't clearly indicate what they do And so you're teleportin' to one area, getting nowhere, and then going back to the teleporter at the end of that area. Which, in a game that wasn't designed by Capstone, would take you back into the hub area, so you can access the other teleporters to go to those areas, but no; the teleporters at the end of each of these sections take you to the next section! And you run through every single section before getting to a teleporter that takes you back to the hub area! You know, unless you take the wrong one, and guess where that takes you? Come on, guess! Come on, guess!
It takes you back to the first section! And you won't find the switches the first way through, and you WILL die. You'd think that all these teleporters in the hub room were locked off, right? Well, no, you can go through those bars, exactly half of the time. You can enter them at the teleporter, but at the other side they're just there, and you can't go backwards through them, they block you now. You get one weapon: the glove -Insert your own power glove joke here- and it moves around the screen with you and shoots red balls, but not at first! You start off with no ammo, and have to collect it. And what do you shoot? Uh, Uh,
* Orbs Uh,
* Orbs
* Balls Uh,
* Orbs
* Balls
* Spheroids They all go down in one hit, I think, but now that your targets can actually move around, up and down, it makes the already awful keyboard aiming absolutely necessary to your survival! There's viruses and infected areas, and you'll know the areas are infected, because the computer will not shut the fuck up about it. Computer Voice: VIRUS DETECTED V I R U S D E T E C T E D V I R U S D E T E C T E D Civvie: You can shoot roaming viruses, but if you step into an infected area, your health drains really quickly. And that's fun, because you have to go through a whole area of this shit with crushing walls, And it's just the worst! The other kind of enemy is whatever this is. I would show you a picture, but guess what kids: I am! It's invisible! And when you get into areas like this one, where it's a really tall room, but you go up and down at the same speed as on a ladder and-- Wait a minute, was I swimming up ladders before? Is that what I was doing to get up those ladders?? O H M Y O H M Y G O D ! So you're doing this, but there are silver balls everywhere, and you're trying to shoot them, but there's also invisible ones. And you're trying to find the one hallway you can go through, that's either up or down a few hundred feet and the door over here isn't opened, and I don't even know which switch opens it. So I go all the way back up to this thing, on the map, where I almost don't see it, because all this solid blackness everywhere. And they know you can't see shit in their level, and they use it against you. And there's a bunch of random stuff that looks Important, but ISN'T. The health pickups are these glowy orb things, but not THESE glowy orb things. And the colorful room has all these floating peanuts; I don't know what the floating peanuts are. I don't understand the cyberpunk aesthetic of floating peanuts! There's all these non-force fields that don't do anything, they're just THERE; and the red rooms... t h e r e d r o o m s . . . Everything's flashing, and there are these traps that you can sometimes just run by, but others kill you; The blue cube bays; FUCK the blue cube bays! I know if you die after placing a sigil, it stays there, and you could go back to the hub room; that doesn't help me with any of the goddamn switches! and you know where you have to go; you can see it on the map. But where the fuck is that one switch I missed it all of this shit? And they make a bunch of places that you just slowly fly up, or slowly fly down to get somewhere and it's just a waste of time! Boy, these spikes look deadly; I'll bet there's a way to turn these off! Because every video game I've ever played has made spikes instant fucking DEATH! Not these! You have to fly and jump and crouch, and get over and under them, but it's FINE! There's a bunch of switches in the last section, where you're bombarded by flying drones in the fucking dark! Where you walk into the room and the lights turn off, and you can't see the switches, so you need to turn them back on while all these things are shooting you! And then finally, once you've figured out all of this shit, once you've gotten every hidden switch and had this game induce a migraine that would KILL a lesser man, This video game PHYSICALLY HURT ME, but I DID IT. And when you're done... There's STILL one more mission. And I'll tell you what, kids: being intimately familiar with the particular shittiness of a Capstone game, I was able to end it pretty quickly. You could blast through the whole level looking for the final boss, but I just looked at the map and said, 'Hey, where does it look like there's a shitty office?' Right here, not far away from the start of the level, right into this hole. You're almost there; you shoot the final boss one time, he's down, and it's over. [Shatner chuckling at your abject misery] Shatner: I knew you were right for the job. We've made a pretty good team. Civvie: FUCK you. You didn't do SHIT. Shatner: Putting the TekMatrix broadcast mode out of action, before it came online, saved this city from the greatest organised threat since that nuclear bomb scare by the anti-technology terrorists back in the 90's. Civvie: Anti-technology terrorists, using a nuclear bomb. Are you high??? [Shatner chuckling at your impotent rage] Shatner: I've convinced the parole officials to let you stay out of the freezer. Civvie: Oh, that's good. Shatner: As long as you continue to work for me. Civvie: Nah, I'll take the freezer. Put me back in the freezer. Here's how the last cutscene played; it wasn't working, so I pressed the button, and it kicked me right back into DOS. [That's probably for the best.] Capstone... Capstone...had AMBITION. That much is clear; they wanted to make an open-world, cyberpunk FPS game. Look at this: a big-name star, a fancy new engine. They were gonna soar. They were gonna touch the Sun... ♫ [Iron Maiden - Flight of Icarus] ♫ ♫ [Iron Maiden - Flight of Icarus] ♫
♪ Yeahhhh ♪ ♫ [Iron Maiden - Flight of Icarus] ♫
♪ Fly ♪ ♫ [Iron Maiden - Flight of Icarus] ♫
♪ On your way ♪ ♫ [Iron Maiden - Flight of Icarus] ♫
♪ Like an eagle ♪ ♫ [Iron Maiden - Flight of Icarus] ♫
♪ Fly as high ♪ ♫ [Iron Maiden - Flight of Icarus] ♫
♪ As the sun ♪ [FWOOSH] ♫ [Lee Jackson - How'd I Do? (Rise of the Triad)] ♫
Haddaway - What is Love ?
Okay so I found this playlist on youtube. I didn't bother to listen to every single one for that bit in the vid but they sound very samey, you might be able to find it there.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jrAKQS88bY&list=PLQ8CzKeCMgK_WPM5cLBqMCIxV6gI_7mmP&index=1
Ran it through shazam and had no results
OK so this song, is a free licence youtube song that recently got bought by someone and then claimed, it fucked the youtuber "streamers reloaded" who used it on the into for all of his videos.